Happy start of the school year! Thank you for continuing to support me! You are appreciated!
Loki slowly became aware of his chest rising and falling as he woke from the healing trance. There has little pain associated with breathing as he inhaled now and that was a welcome reprieve.
He could tell that there was light in the room even before he tried to open his eyes. He let them flutter open, fighting the urge to slip back into sleep. For a few seconds he couldn't even make out his location.
His gaze flicked around the room and he soon realized it was Asgard's healing chamber. He'd been to this room far too many times when he was younger. Normally it was more lively with wounded soldiers or the Warriors who had just returned from battle. But, from the silence, Loki concluded he was alone in the room.
He shifted to try and sit up, but found he was bound down to the bed. He glanced at the wraps around his wrist, gaze sinking slightly. They were reinforced with magic that suppressed his own. That might have been necessary for the healing enchantment over him, but he grimly realized that might not be the reason they were there.
There were slow footsteps from the medicinal room several yards from him. Eir appeared after a few seconds, carrying cloth and a wooden bowl of water. She paused as she saw that he was awake.
"Loki." her voice sounded surprised and slightly disapproving. She set her supplies down quickly and went over to him.
"You were not meant to wake for at least a few more days." she muttered in dismay as she reached down to the straps around his wrists.
"How long have I been here?" he asked, watching as she undid the left side for him. He still felt disoriented after waking from the spell, but he could imagine from the extent of his injuries that it had been at least a few days. He stretched out his fingers carefully, bending his wrist back and forth.
"Eight days. And I hoped you would stay under the charm for longer." was the reply.
Loki blinked in shock and the healer nodded.
"You had much internal damage. Many of the substances I found were foreign to me." she released his other arm from the spell and carefully unwrapped the binding "I imagine these helped but not quite enough. Your own power will repair the injuries now. And quickly, I hope."
She walked back over to retrieve her bowl and cloth.
"Are you in pain?" she asked "I can bring you a tincture to dull it."
Loki shook his head tightly, unsure how he was meant to interact with her at the moment "No."
Her careful look suggested she didn't believe him, but she didn't argue.
"I was coming to clean your wounds. You've avoided infection thus far, but I would rather be certain. Lie back down please."
The God of Mischief waited a second to follow her orders, as if he wanted to ask more. With a small glance at the doors to the chamber, he sat back. She proceeded to help him remove his clothing from the waist up. As she set them to the side, he looked at his arms. Most of the blue colored burns were only partially visible now, but he could tell there were going to be scars. The largest ones were still angry and red around the edges from the truly horrible extent of the burns. The cuts that had laced much of his skin were nearly gone. Asgardian medical maids had immense experience in that area, but they knew little about treating injuries reserved to Frost Giants.
Loki immediately lowered his hand as it began to tremble just from the effort of holding it up. He laid to the side of him carefully.
Eir dipped the cloth in the water and brought it to the wound in his abdomen. The gash was still lightly leaking blood, something that was unusual after being in a healing trance at all, let alone eight days. But it had closed significantly, leaving a thin line rather than a gaping gash.
She carefully pressed the cloth into the wound, checking his expression for a sign that he was in too much pain.
"I'm going to wrap this today and hopefully that will fully staunch the bleeding. I've never seen something such as this. I'll continue my thorough examination of the toxins in your blood. Those may be playing a role."
"Were you able to extract them?" Loki's eyes flicked up to her.
The healer nodded uncertainly "Yes, but not all of it. I'll need to do more today. It seems there is more each time I search."
The God of Mischief exhaled visibly. He winced as she wiped the cut and she apologized quietly.
"I will bring you bread and broth to eat." she said, though she was concentrating on cleaning "That is all you should consume during the first few hours of waking. I'm not certain how many days you went without eating before you arrived here, but you will need to temper yourself for now. If you feel well enough after the broth, I can request more. After you adjust your body to food again, I would like for you to increase your intake to gain weight. You will need that to continue recovering. I was concerned you might not have been able to fight the toxins within you in your current state. I have created a meal plan for you to follow once you can manage it."
Pulling back for a moment, the woman readjusted herself. Then, she extended her hands to very gently feel his throat.
"Does this hurt?" she asked, eyes squinted in concentration.
"A little, yes." the God replied evenly. Though, he was hiding a grimace.
"This one has been particularly difficult to treat. I'm hoping it will repair itself within the next few days. But for now I will give you something to coat the inside of your throat." she replied, gathering her materials. She gestured at the the wound in his torso she'd just cleaned "Let that rest. It is weakly mended so treat it with care. I'll wrap it after you soak in the pool. One moment."
As she left, Loki looked up.
"Eir?" he asked and she turned back with her eyebrows raised expectantly.
"The family from Anaheim. Did they come here?"
"The king and queen?" she asked with a hint of surprise. Like most in Asgard, she wasn't aware of his close relationship with the realm "Yes, they did."
He blinked slowly "Are they still here? Or have they returned?"
The healer set her bowl down on the table next to her. She looked puzzled as to why he was asking about them.
"I have not spoken to them since. I do not know for certain. Your father and Thor have been to check you, but others have not."
Loki was silent for a moment. Then, he nodded quickly.
"Thank you."
Eir nodded, despite not knowing the reason behind his asking "I will send for the king now."
"No. Don't." the hidden Jotun responded instantly after her. He dropped his gaze slightly, frustrated with himself for showing his inner unease. The healer paused for a moment.
"Sorry, I am under his orders, not yours." she said "He wanted to be called once you awoke." she took her supplies up once again "I'll have the maids bring your portions. Then, you should go and bathe in the remedial pool. I'd prefer you to soak if possible, but only to your comfort. If you need aid, I can assist you. When you are out, do not dress from the waist up. My attendant will tend to your back more thoroughly. "
Loki nodded again, allowing Eir to leave without another interruption. The vague reminder that everyone now knew his origins was hard for him to take in. He and Thor had always entered the healing pool together when they returned from battles. But, the younger brother had usually left early, which he now knew was due to the heat of the water they sat in. Eir had put the events together and deduced that already. Looking back, there were many things that could be explained by his being a Frost Giant.
Carefully, Loki leaned up and moved until he was sitting on the edge of the bed. He tried to push himself up with his arms, but paused as they began to quiver. He let out a deep breath. It would take a moment for his body to recover from the long suppression of his inner power. Energy was coming back little by little. Loki could feel it. But, his hands had been trembling before he arrived back on Asgard to heal. And they could potentially remain that way.
Several minutes later, the doors opened and his head shot upward in anticipation. One of Eir's assistants came through, carrying a tray of food for him and he blinked to calm his quickened breathing. The guards outside didn't escape his notice either.
"I'll move the table to you." she said, making it clear that he wasn't to move for her. She set the tray on a portable cart and moved it until he could sit and eat comfortably. As Eir had explained, there was a bowl of broth alongside several pieces of brown bread. Above both of them was a vase of water and a small glass of lightly orange liquid, which the maid picked up.
"Drink this first to coat your throat. Otherwise we risk aggravating the burns with anything you consume." she said "You may drink water as desired. Just be cautious that you do not consume it too quickly."
Loki nodded silently without meeting her gaze. She retreated without further instruction, leaving him to eat alone.
For a moment, the God hesitated, his expression contemplative. He finally reached up, watching his hand shake the whole way. With a discouraged sigh, he retracted his hand to gripped the bridge of his nose. The trembling was not severe enough to cause him to drop anything, but he was afraid at the prospect of this being permanent. It had not happened the first time he'd been at Thanos' tortuous mercy.
He looked back at the food. From Eir's demeanor, she was expecting him to be insatiable. He had taken in very minimal food for nearly two weeks now. They'd provided him with nutrition during his trance the last several days, but it was not near enough what he needed to maintain or gain weight.
Loki carefully picked up the water container and slowly poured some into the glass. It was ice cold and and vaguely he wondered if there was a reason behind that.
He took the small cup of medicine and quickly tilted it back into his throat in one swift motion. He stiffened as the liquid burned and closed his eyes. The sensation left very quickly, but it was enough to cause dizziness. Setting the glass back down, Loki waited for the psychological response to pass. He remained very still until he could finally begin to breath normally.
The Silvertongue continued the rest of his meal without any more trouble. Once finished, he did as requested and went to bathe. His steps were a little bit shaky at first, but he slowly improved as he entered the healing room.
Eir came from the elixir closet to take his tray a few moments later. She paused in surprise as she realized how little he'd consumed. He had only eaten about half of the bread. A fair portion of the broth also remained. The water vase was near empty.
She glanced at the door that led to the pool, wondering if she should call him back. Taking a few moments and then deciding against it, she gathered up the utensils and took the tray to the door.
Loki brought the warm water to his face with a deep exhale. Thor and the others would have already done this when they returned home. It was unsettling to do it without anyone but himself. The last time he'd returned from battle with them had been after the Thor's rampage on Jotunheim.
The water still stung on all of his burns, but it also closed many smaller cuts that were still healing. Most of them wouldn't leave marks behind, but the blue burns always did. They faded with time. So much that it was quite hard to see them with the naked eye. But, he knew where each of them were. And he was good at covering them with magic the rest of the way.
It only took about ten minutes for Loki to feel uncomfortable in the pool. He got out and dressed himself, leaving everything from the waist up unclothed as requested.
He walked back into the main healing room tentatively only to find it still empty. He inwardly sighed at himself as he let his shoulders relax. He wasn't certain if Odin would be coming sooner rather than later, but he favored the latter. The king would have spoken with the council, likely over a number of days. They would have debated back and forth about how to deal with Jotunheim from here on out. They would have negotiated on another treaty with Anaheim. And how to ensure that the remainder of Thanos' followers would not rise up for another war. Loki knew all of this already. He'd listened to it all as prince.
But he wasn't sure how the council would have decided to handle HIS current situation. Odin took their opinions seriously and used them heavily in his decision making. The members did not have a favorable view of the God of Mischief. They'd made that very clear when he'd asked for help getting to Anaheim. He also knew, however, that they would need his help in maintaining peace with Jotunheim. The Frost Giants would make short work of waging war if they found that their king was not returning again.
Eir had not seen the royal family of Anaheim since he'd arrived and Loki took that as a very bleak sign. For one reason or another, they hadn't come back. And, the guards outside the door only added to his certainty that he would be seeing the inside of his cell for sometime again. Whether it would be the full or reduced sentence with concessions added to temper Jotunheim, he wasn't sure. Asgardian law wasn't merciful. That was fact.
Eir's aid came from the medicine room as soon as she saw him there. She beckoned him over to the table rather than the bed.
"Come and lie on your stomach." she said gently "I'll put some oils on your back."
Loki nodded, but wavered for a second as he looked at the table. The woman moved next to it and glanced back uncertainly as she waited for him to move. He rolled back his shoulders to shake away an unpleasant memory and followed her.
The maid began opening bottles and vials as he settled down. There were still dark lines across his back, showing bruising more than open cuts.
"Tell me if this causes too much pain. The muscles were torn severely and there will be residual soreness for a few days. The oils and tinctures will help that."
Loki didn't say anything in response, but she began to drip liquid onto his back. Gingerly at first, she started spreading it around. After a few moments without any signal to pause, she started to rub the muscles carefully. The lines on his skin were still indented, but they were the easiest to heal.
The hidden Jotun stayed quiet even when the stretching of the muscles caused them to start hurting intensely. The woman could have sworn he was taken by surprise as she progressed into an outright massage. This treatment was the general luxury provided to the princes and Warriors when they returned from war for the realm. It was rare to have the whole Asgardian army gathered and therefore, the heirs to the throne were usually the ones to fight the common battles. They would be welcomed with high praise and near spoiled after they'd healed.
But the healers had known him as prince for centuries. And they would have been told of the horrific way he'd received most of his wounds.
He would be treated tenderly here. But he doubted his name had been treated as such over the council table.
Fading in and out of sleep several times, he wasn't sure how long it had been when the maid finally withdrew. Eir was waiting patiently with the bandages to wrap around his torso. She'd also brought clothes for him to dress properly in.
Loki carefully sat upright, one hand subconsciously covering his wound. The movement pulled at the healing skin and he winced.
"It should loosen as you increase activity." Eir said immediately as she saw his reaction. She walked over to him now, but didn't miss the involuntary fluttering of his eyes as he flinched. This time not from pain.
He stood for her and she first applied another substance over the thin line on his abdomen.
"It looks to be healing well. I'll continue to watch it over the next week as well as monitor the contagion in your blood." she tightly wrapped his stomach, sealing the bandage around his spine.
"Will I be receiving care here?" Loki asked the question plainly, though the woman understood the veiled query. There were arrangements made to ensure that prisoners received continued treatment, but it was done within their cell and with less vigilance than would be otherwise.
"I do not know. I've not been informed." Eir replied evenly. Loki nodded in acceptance, but wasn't sure if he believed her presented ignorance.
She left him now to his nervous anticipation. The food tray had been removed, but they'd refilled the water vase for him. He was surprised the royal healer had not mentioned his smaller intake of food, although that was likely to come later.
He stood tensely. There was little to do other then wait, but it felt condemning to simply sit. There were books in the shelves near the back of the room that contained healing incantations and spells. He remembered that. His feet eventually made his way over to them. He reached a hand to select one when he heard voices outside the entrance to the room. Of course, Eir would have given the king a timeline of when to expect Loki's care to be finished and the Allfather was rarely late. Seconds later, the doors opened.
Odin said something in conclusion to the guards and then dismissed them with a small dip of his head. They bowed slightly and proceeded to leave down the hall.
Loki stood silently as the king turned to look at him. He walked in further without speaking. His expression gave nothing away. He stopped just a few feet from his son before drawing in a breath and gesturing at the bed the God of Mischief had been in for the last week.
"Sit."
Loki paused, debating on whether or not he would do so. His face was already reserved upon seeing his adopted father. But, he grudgingly admitted that Odin wasn't giving an order, but extending an invitation. He stepped closer to it and rigidly took a seat.
The king waited for a second, but Loki did not look up at him. It was always easy to tell when Thor was anxious. He shuffled and asked questions harshly to get answers as he wanted them. On the other extreme, Loki sat as if comfortable, the only sign that he wasn't being the slight twisting of each finger one by one. Something he'd observed Frigga doing and learned to do himself when nervous.
"Loki Odinson." Odin said to begin his statement.
His adopted son still refused to look up, though his posture indicated he was listening. The tone in which his name had been said was not the tone of a father speaking to a son, but a king to a prisoner and the Silvertongue was very aware of that fact.
"The Asgardian council and I have come to the decision to grant you a full pardon for your crimes." Odin stated and Loki's head rose immediately, eyes wide with complete and utter shock. While the king did observe that, he carried on swiftly without allowing interruption.
"The decision was not unanimous, but was approved by a majority of fourteen to five. I favored, along with two of the three senior members." He conveyed this, though truthfully, it did not matter much. It was merely customary to disclose the outcome of a conflicted council meeting.
Loki continued to stare, though his eyes flicked in a million directions at once until Odin's voice cut into his thoughts.
"However." his voice was stern as he gained the second son's attention again. He eyed him seriously. "There are certain stipulations that must be met without deviation or we will revoke this offer. Is that understood?"
Loki blinked and then very slowly gave a nod.
The answer sufficient to him, Odin unraveled the piece of parchment in his hand to read.
"For the next one hundred years, your travel will be restricted to Jotunheim. Other than that, you must remain on Asgard at all times unless accompanied by Thor or myself. Information regarding the security and welfare of the realm usually granted to a Prince of Asgard will not be shared with you during that time unless deemed necessary by myself, Thor, or the council. Coercion to obtain that information at any time will be an offense and lead to the withdrawal of your exoneration. In the same one hundred years, any entry into the Vault or dungeon will be prohibited. And, if any artifacts or powers that extend beyond your magical abilities are found on your person, they will be taken and your rights repealed. This excludes the Jotuner Caskett, which may be used for Jotunheim at your discretion. It may not be used for any other purpose." he paused briefly, but Loki had taken in every word as it came. "There will be mandatory evaluation conferences with myself and the council when we feel appropriate. And, as it should not need stating, you will abide by the laws of this realm at all times. Any further conditions we see fit will be enacted after a consultation with you." Odin lowered the paper and rolled it without looking away from the man in front of him.
"Loki, do you accept these terms?"
The God of Mischief did not respond right away. The movement of his fingers had stopped. And despite what his expression suggested, he did not need the information repeated. Rather, the Allfather could tell he was trying to decide whether or not to speak his mind. Finally, Loki looked up.
"No." he said evenly "I must be allowed to travel to Anaheim. That's all I ask."
Odin's chin rose as he heard the beginning of what he'd been prepared to discuss.
"That was discussed, but it was rejected by the council. They do not feel it is a necessary venture. That will be granted when your probationary time is over." he replied, his voice steady, but firm.
"I just fought to defend Anaheim with my life, why is it being restricted?" Loki asked, his voice sharp with frustration. He immediately pulled back, knowing he sounded like a young child who was not getting his way.
"This is so that Asgard may see your willingness to comply with their wishes as well as being a sacrifice for the realm. The council feels it is best that you are here with little distraction. All if these conditions are to prove that you have indeed...returned."
Loki fell completely silent, brow furrowed. He was unwilling to complain further, but the devastation, and defiance, in his expression was unmistakable.
"The Anaheim family will be allowed to travel here, if that is a consolation." Odin said, trying to discern more. The words did make his son raise his eyebrows in mild surprise. He'd not expected that. But, it brought little alleviation.
"Do not jeopardize this leniency, Loki. It is not worth it." Odin warned solemnly "You will be caught and returned to the dungeon to serve out your full sentence. Do not make that necessary. Your reaction to this news would have been a great concern to the council. Which is why I requested to give this news to you alone and not with an audience present. The time will pass and Anaheim will be reachable again. Do not make it permanently unreachable because of an impatient and rebellious act. I know you, Loki. I know you are very patient. But I also know that you believe you could get away with fooling us. And, you may even be able to do so. But it is not worth the risk. Loki." he looked at his son severely "I want you to hear this. Please do not try to evade these limits."
Loki still said nothing, but he let out a resigned sigh. The Allfather still watched him warily, missing nothing.
"In fact, I shall speak to Valder and Svleiva. They may need to bar you from Anaheim for the time being."
"That won't be necessary." the response did sound sincere, but it didn't matter.
"Good." Odin responded "But I will do so anyway. To save you from the temptation and yourself." he shook his head slightly "Do not forget what you are truly gaining here. I saw very clearly that a full pardon was unexpected. Yet, you are already taking that for granted in light of the restriction of Anaheim. Let the time pass. Gain something greater with patience."
Loki didn't reply, but the Allfather could see that there was little more to say on the subject. The younger son had a sudden sheen of sweat on his forehead as a wave of the same feeling he'd had when taking the medicine before eating came over him. He twisted his head slightly, trying to shake away the sensation. But he couldn't and closed his eyes, wincing in pain.
Odin glanced towards the medicine room mildly "Eir."
"No, I'm fine." Loki said in an irritated, yet exhausted protest, despite keeping his eyes closed to try and regain control. He didn't see Odin's hand, which was mere inches away from his chest to prevent him from falling forward if he succumbed to the sudden weakness.
The healer appeared within moments, walking over to the former prisoner quickly. She set down the few vials she'd brought.
"Loki, lie back for a moment." she said, taking his arm to help him. He was trembling quite hard, but shook his head.
"No."
Eir frowned at him briefly. She set her eyes on the king, but he gave a brief shake of his head to indicate his opinion. It wasn't an arguement worth getting into, especially as they did not know the reasons behind the refusal to lie prone.
The Allfather stepped back to allow the woman to fully examine him. She was not certain if this was a response to physical discomfort or a psychological reaction to something that had happened. Perhaps both. But his expression suggested that something was causing pain and she suspected what it could be.
The sensation passed within the next few moments and Loki drew in several deep breaths. He opened his eyes, but they remained in a scowl.
"There is more poison to be removed." Eir said. She reached to take his hand, but he seized her wrist in midair. Almost threateningly. Then he released it with a slow blink, as if just realizing what he'd done. Looking down, he inwardly cursed, angry with himself for his reaction. But Eir did nothing other than hesitate for a brief moment. She simply took his hand and hovered her palm over his lower arm.
"There's more. Much more." she sighed.
"It replicates itself." Loki muttered "It'll have to be removed again."
"Do you know what they gave you?" Eir stopped and looked up at his face intensely.
The Silvertongue gave a small shake of his head, eyes low as he replied quietly "No."
"Fortunately, it is easy to extract. At least until I cannot find the last residue of it." the woman stood to retrieve a small glass. She pulled out the stopper and held it for him to take.
"What is it?" Loki asked the question without thinking, head turned to the side warily.
"This will make the substance simpler to obtain from your blood. Take it now. It will take around an hour to become fully effective. There is also a small dose of anesthetic in it. That will help then, but now also to prevent the toxin from causing you pain." She inclined it towards him.
Seeing he had little choice, Loki reached to take it. He tried hard to control the trembling in front of both her and Odin, but it was easily noticeable.
"The shakiness should go away with time." the woman said, addressing it directly and not allowing the man to try and conceal it "Your body has been through a great deal. I'm optimistic that this is just a temporary residual effect."
The God of Mischief took the tincture and she accepted the vial back. Without another word, she gathered the unused medicines she'd brought and returned to her separate room in silence.
Loki let the silence continue, unwilling to speak next. The feeling of the room was still very solemn. He was trying to wrap his mind around all that had been said and he hated revealing his vulnerability.
So, Odin drew in a breath, something else on his mind.
"Now. If you are able, I think we should speak of matters other than those pertaining to my role as king."
The younger man pressed his lips together apprehensively. His face suggested he'd rather not go on.
"There have been no discussions thus far other than our sending insults and resentments at each other. Clearly those have not been...effective." the king continued. His next statement came slowly "We've had...many misunderstandings between us in our lives. Many that should have been dealt with long before now."
As the Allfather spoke these words, Loki put his eyes to the side. His posture wilted subtly.
"Now, I'm already losing you." Odin said, immediately changing the direction of the conversation. The younger son looked up, eyebrows furrowed in surprise and confusion.
The king intoned grimly.
"Frigga often told me what to look for when speaking to you. When your interest left the conversation. I didn't believe it in the past. But, I can see it now. Her wisdom still follows me." he put his gaze on the window in the room "It was rare for you to speak with me as you did with her."
"And you never spoke with me as you spoke with Thor." Loki shot back instantly, woken from his typical passiveness.
"I would dispute that, but for now I will accept that this is your belief." Odin stayed composed. His thoughts wandered to their argument on Earth, where the anger and hurts had all come out.
"You require a deeper prying than the outer layer. Thor does not. But, Loki, I cannot have this be a lecture from me to you. Where you will half-heartedly listen and then appease me. There came a point where now I know that is all that happened and it did nothing for either of us. This must be an honest conversation, otherwise little will change. And, it must change for us to go forward. I don't expect this to resolve today. But, I hope it can in time. Your resentments were only ever spoken to the one person in the family whom you had none against. An inefficient way of having them addressed, I might add. Speaking openly to me when you were younger would never have changed how I thought of you as my own child."
"Was I meant to address my feelings of inadequacy when compared to Thor with you?" Loki asked honestly, eyes narrowed "They rarely came up even with Mother. She just simply saw through it. To come to you with such a seemingly petty idea would have only made you think less of me. I knew you would treat it lightly. Because, in truth, I knew how it appeared, Odin. I knew it seemed childish, but I felt slighted nevertheless. I held you at a distance because you held me at a distance. Everything between Thor and me was frivolous to you. So, yes, I refrained from that topic being the focus of our conversations." he winced as his side wound twinged and readjusted his position.
Odin laid Gungnir against the table before taking a chair from beside the bed and setting it facing the God of Mischief. Sitting down, he exhaled and briefly brought one hand to his chin. Loki leaned back to an upright position as the Allfather spoke.
"Loki, I'll admit I was ignorant to the issues you have spoken of in the past few years. After you fell from the Bifrost, I still had little knowledge into the true problem. I did not think there was one. Or if there was that it was just between you and Thor. And your resentments there. I've come to realize that our feud didn't start once you discovered your origins. That was simply the moment of declaration." The king pondered that for several seconds. Loki let his gaze drift again, but continued to listen.
"Your accusations in the Vault...I'd heard similar ones reported from Frigga. But, even when you yourself spoke them to me, I honestly dismissed them as ludicrous. Not because they were insignificant, but because I don't have-and never have had-a predjudice. You and Thor...your belief that I favored him..." he pressed his lips together "If your anger comes from my having to work frequently with him as I trained him in the ways of a king...I could not have changed that. And I am not sure how to settle your bitterness."
Loki stiffened at the words.
"Was it I that spent days on end in the arena with you? Was it I that led charges? Was it I whose bedside you sat next to when we returned from battle?" he drew strength into both his posture and tone "Were my skills praised every moment they were shown? Did you present Mjolnir to me despite the fact that I already excelled in strength? No. This was Thor. It was always Thor. The heir that everyone loved."
"Do you think I never cared for you?" Odin asked abruptly "Honestly?"
Now it was Loki's turn to pause as the questioning was turned on him. He scowled at the ground, but his eyebrows creased to the side in consternation shortly after. From this vantage point, he looked much younger. Much like the boy he'd been just a few years previous. Odin asked the question plainly, completely open to any response. Loki blinked and shook his head.
"No." he said, nearly inaudibly and with a hint of reluctance. Then he stopped entirely. He swallowed, trying to put his thoughts into words.
"But after I found out who I was, it was hard-near impossible-for me to believe that your love was without condition. And that your love was for me and not because of what I could do for you. Or anyone else on Asgard. That it was not forced or learned. That your admiration for Thor as your true son didn't always come above me. He was the one you looked to, whether you deny that or not. I do not feel as though I was more than a means to an end. And now." Loki dipped his head with the fierceness of his words "Now, it seems as though the reason you and I were never as close as you and Thor was because you attributed all of my shortcomings to my true parentage."
"Shortcomings." Odin echoed this without comment.
"Yes." Loki replied, no indecision in his tone. So, the king just nodded in assent.
"I'll acknowledge that you believe these things, but I also need you to be willing to accept that they're not true." he drew in another breath "What you believe I felt is probably beyond the depth of my emotional spectrum. Thor was similar to me in my youth. He was louder and perhaps somehow that created the idea that he needed more attention. You were couth and quite past need of some of the things I instructed him on. It never did seem out of proportion to me. Thor was the one to be criticized and reprimanded far more than you had to be."
As Loki listened, his mind half-drifted to a conversation he'd had with his mother on the day of a return from battle. He'd felt Thor had been Odin's sole focus when they first arrived. And...he had. His brother had been worse off, granted, and poisoned by the unknown beasts they faced. But the king had not even looked in Loki's direction until after he had returned from finishing the battle himself. When he returned, he'd finally gone to Loki to see him. The Silvertongue had simply relayed to his mother that Odin would always naturally gravitate towards his older son and love him more because of that. Frigga disagreed with him, though she'd observed her husband's actions with the same worry. She'd known the love he had for their younger son, but he was dense when it came to realizing that any hint of favoritism, however unintentional, spoke volumes to Loki.
"We did not relate in the same way Thor and I did, but neither did Thor have the same relationship with your mother as you did. This was not because of your blood. That was never the case. It is because we were different. And I simply accepted that. I know I allowed our conversations and our interactions to become too formal at times and then grew accustomed to it. This was my fault. But this was not for a lack of love, Loki." he eyed his adopted son with a fervent gaze "Never for a lack of love, or pride, or anything else that you have blamed me of withholding. I loved you just as Thor. But I am far from perfect. I sometimes fell for Thor's bravado as others did. As I've said, it was akin to my own youth."
"Something I will never share." Loki muttered.
"You share it same as Thor. Obviously neither of you were there. It is no different whether you are my blood or not." Odin responded seriously.
"Is it truly not though? You seemed to love Thor's arrogant and outright charisma and dominance. But I didn't follow in those exact footsteps. I wasn't your childhood replica. Thus, no, I do not, and cannot, share it. I share it with neither you nor Frigga. Do my personality traits come from Laufey? Am I his replica?" Loki asked bitterly, bringing the name of his born father into the open.
"Truthfully, I don't know. Your physical attributes perhaps. His character was a mystery to most. But his subjects revered him, which would not have been truth if he were a selfish, barbaric ruler." Odin replied "Whether some of your traits come from him matter little though. You may not see your mother or me in you, but I certainly can. Rather than repeat my youth as Thor did, you decided to imitate what you observed in me as you grew, but then allowed Frigga's tenderness to incorporate as well."
The God of Mischief stayed silent. He knew he could allow the conversation to end here if he acted pacified. They would part amiably as they had in the past after an interaction. The son would accept statements made, but privately continue to foster hurt while Odin believed the conversation ended there.
Almost as if reading those thoughts, the Allfather saw he still was not breaking the barrier held up by his son. Something that always come so easily Frigga. He decided to speak again once the quiet had extended long enough.
"When I first brought you home, I fell stuck in my narrow minded thinking. That this would be a glorious unification of the realms. You and Thor would reign in peace and love. And I foolishly expected everyone to share this vision without issue. But, as Jotunheim became passive, there was no need for you to leave any longer."
"Because they were not necessary, not because you wanted me. Jotunheim was no longer rebelling. You'd lost your heir to banishment. You couldn't have sent me away." Loki snapped, letting his anger present itself again.
"Loki." Odin halted him immediately with a reprimand. His voice sounded perplexed and vaguely injured "You speak as if I brought you here a prisoner. As if you held no more worth than a mere trophy of my triumph. A treasure in the Vault. You were never thought of as the Frost Giant child I stole out of spite. My son. Our child. It was not two sons of two separate kings to reign and bring peace. It was two sons of the same king. You are our family. I wanted to raise you."
"Why?" Loki asked sharply "Because it was easier to have me bond with Thor if I believed he was my brother? I was your sworn enemy's son."
Odin looked away, jaw clenching as he put one hand to his eyes and pulled back. The God of Mischief withdrew quickly, the awful experience in the Vault flashing in his memory. He'd thought his father was dying in that moment. No matter how angry he'd been, the terror was memorable. That was enough to make him hold his tongue.
When the Allfather did speak again, his voice was soft.
"You were an innocent child. Had never brought harm to me nor Asgard. Knew nothing of the animosity between our realms. The plans for you to be returned to Jotunheim were not necessary as years went on. But that...is not why they were absolved. I made this decision several decades before the expected coronation. At the time where I would have arranged a mediation with Laufey to present my intentions. When you and Thor returned from the battle on Alfheim is when I informed Frigga of the decision. Where Thor came close to death. I came to speak to you after the invaders had been driven out, as I had neglected to do so previously. Do you recall?"
Loki tilted his head as the same battle he'd thought of only moments before came into the conversation. He nodded.
"You were not like Thor in wishing to return to the war. You accepted it was a battle that had been pointless to continue. I saw you whom I had raised near the same amount of time I had raised Thor. And I did not want to give you up. You were needed and wanted on Asgard. We did not borrow you, we adopted you. I would have found another way to temper Jotunheim if necessary. I feared for you when Thor led you and the Warriors there, but that was overshadowed by his banishment. I never intended for you to know your true lineage after it was decided you should stay."
Loki readied himself to say something indignant to that, but Odin continued without letting him speak.
"Hena is correct in what she has said concerning your anger." he said and the God of Mischief perked at the name.
"We should not have treated the truth as if it were an ailment to you. Acting as though you should be ashamed by keeping it hidden created a bigger problem than hiding it solved, but I was concerned for how Asgard might treat you if they knew who you were. We'd lost so many in the war. In time they might have been able to see you for who you were, but not then. Loki, you must remember that you've only known you were of the Frost Giant race for the past three years. I've known your entire life. I commanded that battle and I still wanted you."
"You blamed my origins for what I did." Loki spoke certainly, even though his conviction faltered at Odin's words "And this is not a debate. I know what you said to mother when you sent Thor to retrieve me on Midgard. Hena isn't the only one who can see memories." His eyes narrowed angrily as he spoke the words he'd taken with him from the said memory "'I should never have let a Frost Giant into Asgard.' As if I were innately more likely to be a traitor than any Asgardian could be." he looked down with a small shake of his head "You would never have let a monster have your throne."
"You're not a monster." Odin replied.
"What do we call the sons of frost?" Loki asked with a small laugh, repeating the same words he'd said to his mother when she'd given him the throne in the king's absence "Beasts. Monsters. Evil. Cruel. You drenched yourself in their blood. They're worth nothing to you." He tried to curb it, but his mouth trembled.
"It was war, Loki. I did not enjoy it. We lost many as well. They are more dark in nature. But you are proof that their nature may be learned. Or encouraged. They teach their children to hate others which are not their own."
"You saw them when I brought them to the battle." Loki said in disbelief "They attack to kill. They don't care about their own lives if they can overpower something else in the long run."
"Yes. Yes, they are more ruthless in that matter. And, yet, quite selfless. You found that shocking, I know. Asgardians have followed in the same savage footsteps that the Frost Giants have at times. The first battle that Thor was commander of was death-filled and terrible. Far more than it should have been, if you recall. He would have killed every creature who defied him had I not ordered a withdrawal. Jotunheim is not taught to mitigate their slaughter as we are. And because of this it has become part of their nature over tens of thousands of years."
A very brief expression of uncertainty passed over Loki's face. A quick survey of that showed the king that he'd managed to place a seed of doubt in the firm hatred of the icy realm.
"If Laufey had raised me, which he obviously had no wish to, I would have been the same as them. By nature, that is who I am."
"By nuture it is not. I've seen the struggle it has been to maintain any ruthlessness. And, Loki, I'm certain you would have been a strategist there as well. You would have been intelligent just the same. Gentler and calmer than others. They have their warriors and their tacticians as we do. Most are both, but lean one way or another. It is their choices that define them."
"And did my choices define me as good? Wasn't I just the Frost Giant you 'never should have let into Asgard'?" Loki asked. The softness of his tone indicated that he didn't truly want an answer to the question.
"We have more to discuss surrounding the decisions you made. But if you want it defined so simply, I can say that making a rebellious, and heinous, choice and then correcting it may be defined as 'good'. You did not have to live up to the image you thought you were." Odin's eyes flicked to the side "As for my...tactless words to Frigga regarding your lineage several years ago, and the ones spoken on Midgard these past weeks...forgive me...for those. They were said in anger. You were meant to be ours and I do not regret bringing you here."
"Your pity on the rejected son of a Frost Giant." Loki said "I wouldn't have been raised there even if you had not taken me. I was left for dead. It is surprising that the Jotuns followed me against Thanos. I wasn't wanted by Laufey."
"But you were wanted by me." Odin reminded him.
"Beings who aren't monsters don't abandon a child because they consider them weak." Loki suddenly sounded more angry again.
"You're stuck in the perception that because the race you come from is more cold-hearted than others then you must be." Odin argued "Are you? Would you do what Laufey did and leave your child to die? If the answer is no, then stop comparing yourself to him."
"But you do." Loki demanded.
"No, I do not." Odin denied the accusation with a small shake of his head.
"You wanted me to be someone different than who I was!"
"Again, no."
"Then why were Thor's strengths loved more than mine ever could be?" Loki asked sharply.
"Your talents were valued, Loki." Odin sounded vaguely annoyed, but he forced himself to remain patient "But I did not practice magic as Frigga did, so I did not have the appreciation she had for it. Nor the understanding."
"Thor was always drowning in praise." Loki replied in cold amusement "Always told what a glorious king he would be. Praise from you. Anything he did was magnificent. And nothing he did seemed to be an issue." he backtracked slightly "I know this may not be the truth in its entirety, but it very much seemed this way. You gave him Mjolnir when he already exceeded me by far. The time he challenged me with her, you said that magic would never be an equal foe for the hammer. I know it was not said to me and as a reprimand to Thor for challenging me to such an unnecessary duel. Perhaps I better understand now what you meant. In a straight battle without its wielders, Mjolnir would win. But, you never realized how discouraging that would be to me. That drew a fine line between Thor and I deeper than ever before. I did not hold Mjolnir, therefore I would never equal Thor. I would never be strong enough to beat him, so I must always be beneath him. He had the king to back his actions and skills."
Odin inclined his head to show that he acknowledged the words before replying.
"I have heard your viewpoint. Now you must hear mine. You were clearly offended by the fact that Thor received things because he was first born. The elder son. He was heir to the throne, yes. Mjolnir was given to him because of that, but also because he needed something to channel his power. Thor was reckless, you were not. I did not have to worry of you constantly risking your life in foolhardy situations. He needed something to protect you and your friends when he led you into battles. You had your magic, but he had only himself. I may have paid more attention to his loud and obvious talents than I did to your quieter ones because he made sure that they did attract more attention. Modesty may have been a part of that. You, your mother, and I could always share some sort of a laugh about Thor's pompous attitude, if you'll allow yourself to recall our times untainted by contention. Your skills were often hidden, Loki. So much that we knew nothing of your ability to transport yourself through illusions until the duel with Thor you spoke of. Something that was uncommon even in our ancestors and had long been laid to rest. It was not shocking to me though. I had already seen what you were capable of and I was certain you might go further. If you needed further validation and I failed to deliver...I'm very sorry. Thor was confident and I always believed the same of you. Maybe I was wrong."
"I was always confident in my abilities." Loki insisted "But no one else could say the same. Except mother. Though, even she didn't know what I had learned. It was not appreciated, so I did not show it."
"It may have appeared that way." Odin agreed with him with a dip of his head "Yet, we all respected your quiet and patient personality alongside Thor. He may have been king, but he would have needed temperance. You did not have to be exactly like Thor to equal him. He would have needed you to rule wisely. He possessed strength, but you possessed the wisdom. You allowed your imagined slights to blind you from the fact that you were unique. And it was fortunate that you were."
"Imagined slights?" Loki echoed, pulling back his face in clear offense. The flow of the conversation halted there. His eyes widened utter disbelief "Imagined?"
Odin's eyebrows rose at the backlash, oblivious that his words would cause such a reaction.
"Don't you...dare tell me they were not real." Loki continued, refusing to allow any interruption. He was absolutely furious. "Thor was the true Asgardian among our friends. The one they cherished. I was never as important as him. I was never as strong as Thor, never as loud as Thor, and never the leader among them. I couldn't be as good as him, so I turned elsewhere." He clenched his jaw as if holding onto a vicious insult "I mattered little to everyone here. Do you know the Warriors betrayed me while I was interim king of Asgard? They left to find Thor on Midgard. Which, as I understand it, was against what you would have wished anyway. Mother gave me the throne. I didn't ask for it. It is what everyone thought I wanted. And for a moment, I thought I did as well. But, it changed nothing. Everyone looked at me as a fraud. As if I had stolen the throne from you and Thor. Taken it by force."
He held out one finger in a fierce point "That is the one of the few things in my life I feel anger towards Mother for. She should have corrected those whispers. I never stole your place. It was put on me. Everyone still saw me as the second son of Odin who would never be able to rule as Thor could. Despite the fact that it was my right at the time, they did not, and never would have, accepted me. I was still the inferior brother, even with Thor having been banished for his attack on Jotunheim. They brought him back to Asgard to defeat me."
Finally his voice broke and Loki started blinking away furious tears. He paused, unable to control his speech for several moments as he recalled the most painful part of that memory. Then, he looked at his father's face "You said nothing as I fell from the Bifrost to as far as we knew should have been my death." he shook his head helplessly. He held back the confused wail that he'd wanted to release for so long. To plead to know why it seemed his father had cared more for Thor "You did nothing to try and stop it. The last thing I heard from you was another rebuke. Another refusal to acknowledge what I'd tried to do. That I was wrong. That Thor was yet again the better son." he glared now "You let me fall and thought nothing of the reasons why I chose to do so. No. I will not listen to such disdain from you. Not one more word. And if that is what you have to say, then leave. Don't tell me what I felt was insignificant to you. I understand that already. I've understood it for a long time."
The God of Mischief looked away, hands shaking harder than ever even as they rested. He put his gaze on the ground, away from the king's in front of him. He couldn't bring himself to look in the eyes of the man he had always loved as his father after such an outburst. No matter how much he angrily tried to suppress it, he knew he still craved validation and respect. The silence extended as Odin ruminated internally.
"Loki." he said, but the man refused to look up.
"Loki, look at me." Odin repeated and still received no response.
The Allfather raised his chin with a labored sigh "You've just killed the God of Death and forged a firm alliance between half a dozen realms and yet, you are not able to look at me now." he put one hand on the bed by Loki to ensure he had his son's attention even if he wouldn't look.
"I did not mean to infer that you had no reason for how you felt." he continued quietly "Many of us did not relay our admiration for you. You were not the inferior brother because of that. He led you and your friends, yes. Loki, you may not have been as loud and strong as Thor, but he was never as intuitive and intelligent as you, never as patient and gentle as you, and you were always the one to deter rash decisions from him. They listened to you for strategic advice more than anyone else." he removed his touch and sat back as Loki finally met his eye. Comparisons caught his ear, but especially these ones that favored him. Odin continued "The traits I suspect Hena most admires. She would never love someone with Thor's personality. In fact, he often felt embarrassed by your ability to defeat him in any battle of words. You could think quicker than him on any point. He undervalued that skill, but he always wished he could possess it."
Loki let the breath he'd been holding leave with a shaky exhale. He did not speak and Odin thought he'd finally managed to reach him, even if minimally.
"That moment on the Bifrost is one that Thor and I relived constantly, Loki. To return bearing that news to give to your mother was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. Telling her that I had only saved one of our children. And I know now that I played a part in your decision to...to let go. I...it was not a moment I took lightly. I did not forget it as if you were a burden to be removed." he went on solemnly.
"But, you did. You all did. I was alive. Alive and very aware that Asgard was still thriving without my presence." Loki said, letting the wetness in his eyes remain and dissipate on its own.
"The loss of your presence changed everything." Odin replied, speaking more sharply than he intended and then he calmed his tone "But we still had our realm to oversee. I didn't value my children based on their future rank in the monarchy, Loki. I missed speaking with you. I missed your company and our discussions as a family. And since you were not returning to Jotunheim, I had prepared myself to have those moments for a long time."
"I'm not certain you truly believed I was dead." Loki nearly cut him off, but the Allfather didn't rebuke him. The eyebrows of the Silvertongue went up "Perhaps it was easier not to entertain the other possibility. And, after all, I was a traitor. You shouldn't have come after me. Or searched for me."
"We maintained a cold and near nonexistent relationship with Anaheim. As far as I was aware, you were well beyond the reach of this life. Do you think I would not have come for you if I had any hint of what Thanos was doing to you after you left Valder and Svleiva?" Odin asked, his voice incredulous. His jaw tightened "If that is that you believe, then I truly did fail you in every aspect of being a father. I would have come for the lowest citizen of the nine realms in that situation, let alone the son I raised. Every single one of us would brought the entire Asgardian army to retrieve you."
"What would you know about what Thanos did?" Loki asked quietly, scowling as his father spoke with utter certainty. He hadn't told anybody about his time after Anaheim "Why do you think you have any idea?"
The king reached to take his wrist and pulled back the sleeve so that part of his son's lower arm showed. With shocked eyes, Loki watched as Odin waved one hand by. Older burn scars became a lot more visible by the fresh ones as the continuously maintained spell was dispersed. He looked up at his father with a guarded, yet timid expression.
"This is what I see now, Loki. I don't know the extent, but Thor made it clear that you experienced torture previous to the time two weeks ago. And you hid it from us when you returned from Midgard." Odin said and then released his hold "Torture. Something I never expected my children to have to endure. I am sickened by the fact that you did. Especially in the savage manner that Thanos exhibited. And for you to believe that I would leave you there as punishment is...appalling."
Loki pulled his arm back swiftly and adjusted the sleeve to cover the scars again. He pointedly looked away for a moment before intoning quietly in frustration.
"Do you understand why I might now?" he asked sincerely, hoping he'd justified himself.
"No. That I would never understand. I will try to understand your feelings elsewhere." Odin told him "But, not with that. I would never leave someone to suffer such barbaric treatment if I had a say in it."
"I don't necessarily mean that." Loki replied stiffly, trying to get away from the topic, though he subconsciously felt relieved at his father's words "Do you understand why I believed you favored Thor and would have rather forgotten me than come free me? He went to Jotunheim when it was forbidden and killed hundreds of Frost Giants within minutes. But those were the beasts we deem unseemly, so he was sent to Midgard with a very obvious way to return home. I, however, was put in prison. Even nominated to be put to death. I think the inequity in that is obvious."
"You want to compare his raid on realm that knows us to your attack on a realm that does not? Thor's actions, though stupid and cruel, were in response to an invasion. Loki, you later killed more Frost Giants than he did by unleashing the Bifrost on their realm. And then there is Midgard after that. Bringing a foreign dark army with the intentions of conquering and forcing them to bow to your rule. Your ruthlessness in that realm shows the difference."
"Yes, of course, because the precious humans are worth all the more." Loki growled.
"Do you know what you did?" Odin demanded, furious that the man still treated the lives lost on Earth with such indifference "Forget what Thor has done for a moment and focus on your own sins. Do you know the lives you took? In cold-blooded murder? The destruction and mourning you caused there?"
"I know exactly what I did !" Loki's voice had unexpectedly risen to a shout as he glared at his father.
"And do you regret it? Do you feel some kind of remorse for what you have done?" the king did not back down from the yell "Because I have yet to see it. Show me that you feel something. Something for the innocent people you killed! Show me that you did not completely lose your compassion for other beings during the last three years!"
Loki looked down with a disgusted growl. His chest rose and fell, head moving side to side in an agitated shake.
Odin continued to stare fiercely at him, though his demeanor softened slightly as the Jotun scaled back his open defiance. There weren't many ways the previous statement could be answered, but the king expected it to be turned back against him in some way or another.
When he'd readied himself, Loki drew his head up boldly.
"Seventy-four." he stated.
Odin tilted his head to the side as if he misheard. He waited expectantly for his boy to continue.
"Seventy-four mortals died that day. I took seventy-four lives. Fifty-three men, fourteen children, and seven women." Loki continued dully. He narrowed his eyes "I know exactly what I did that day, Odin."
The damage done to Earth had been reported by Heimdall as it happened. There were wild speculations about the damage and death toll by U.S. officials. The numbers had been far overestimated at first, leading everyone to remember it as a massacre.
The Allfather deflated at the response and allowed some inner fears to leave. Loki knew the lives he'd taken down to specific numbers. And that was enough evidence of guilt for him.
"Thor killed hundreds." the son repeated in a whisper, changing the focus. His voice stalled as he just barely held back from addressing the man in front of him as 'Father.' "Hundreds in the pointless attack he led us to on Jotunheim. In less than fifteen minutes. I fully realize they were already acquainted with Asgard and that they were battle-ready soldiers, but...why is that slaughter not remembered? I remember mine. He doesn't remember his. He betrayed our law by going there. It is because he was just a boy?" he near spat at the word.
"I do remember the death he caused that day, Loki." Odin replied and would have said more, but the God of Mischief continued swiftly.
"You told me...that you would have easily put me to death when I returned here. That mother was the only one that would have grieved my execution-"
"I never said that." Odin denied, breaking him off "By our law, you know what would have been required as punishment for your actions. You gave the king of Jotunheim open passage to our palace. Tried to kill your friends and brother. Then came Midgard. What did you expect when you arrived? You understand the law. You have seen our law take place. Is that what you were seeking when you arrived? To see what I would do?" his voice became certain "To prove to everyone that I didn't care for Thor's younger brother. You were almost challenging me to grant leniency because you're my son. But you knew. You knew it was impossible for me to do that. Yet, you use that as justification for your actions. As proof that I never loved you when the sentencing was not based on that at all. And, you know that was an unfair test. Damned if I did and damned if I didn't. Loki, I had to do what I did, but that does not mean it was easy."
"It was easy to forget me to prison." the Jotun said, portraying less hurt than he felt. He carefully rubbed this neck as if trying to dull pain.
"I did not forget you, but nor could I feel guilty for the decision I made. You came to my mind often." Odin pressed his lips together thoughtfully "I realize that I could have helped reverse some of your anger for things real, perceived, or learned by being more...receptive."
"Learned?" Loki asked, leaning forward in irritated confusion.
"Yes, from Thanos. I am aware there was some degree of mental manipulation as well as physical torture. Though, there was no proof of that to present to the council members."
"I was not controlled by the Mind Stone." Loki responded. That would make a good case for less probationary time, but the last thing he wanted was for his father to believe that he didn't have a personal reason or justification for his actions.
"No and you did make many of your own adverse choices. But, there doesn't need to be dark objects involved for someone to put thoughts in one's mind." Odin told him. Grimly, he brought up another topic "Did you decide Midgard or did Thanos? Thor thought it might be because that was the realm he had developed a strong bond with, but I believe it might have been more out of spite towards me. I defended Earth against Jotunheim before and you had just found you were of that race. Perhaps it was a combination of the two."
"They had the Tesseract." Loki responded warily.
"Yes, but I'm certain there were numerous other realms you could have traveled to instead. Left that one for another."
He noticed as Loki subtly brought his hands together again, indicating nervousness. There was not a way for him to answer evasively to such a direct question. So, he put the subject back to the council.
"Why did they pardon me?" he asked quietly "If they had no knowledge of the manipulation, then why give me leniency?" his fingers rubbed together as he blatantly-and unintentionally-admitted of the foul influence from Thanos.
Odin wasn't surprised by the query, though he would have preferred to finish the other conversation.
"The council was heartened to pardon you for your betrayal to Asgard because of how you fought for and with our army on Anaheim. The attack on Midgard was more controversial. I had to acquit you myself as I had a better understanding of the events. Reduced punishments were negotiated back and forth for both crimes until we arrived at our decision. We do not have full knowledge of your time with Thanos and they were not going to be gracious without it. I would like to gain that in the coming weeks."
"Why the one hundred years of confinement to Asgard? Why not return me to my cell for the time?" Loki asked.
"I would certainly not prefer that. The hundred years are partly because you are not receiving a full punishment for Midgard. They would see no growth from you in prison. They want to view and observe you if you are going to be free after the century. You showed a renewal of loyalty when you went to them to request sending our army out. Loki, as horrific as the attack on Midgard was, the crime that had the most impact on your punishment was allowing Frost Giants into Asgard and your ambush of Thor. It happened not once, but twice. They want to see your fidelity to our realm first. Because, as Prince of Asgard, conspiring with the king of another realm to organize an attack against us is considered one of the highest forms of disloyalty. Trying to kill the heir and his friends so that you could remain in command and setting up a ploy so that you could justifiably kill Laufey. Then proceeding to destroy their world of living creatures. Following that, you attacked an innocent realm, which had nothing to do with your vendetta here. The probation is just as well as pragmatic."
Loki visibly ground his jaw.
"Yes?" Odin tilted his head to view his expression. He'd said nothing untrue.
The Jotun king just shook his head, refusing to voice his thoughts aloud.
"You have an opinion and I will hear it." Odin said and waited calmly.
So, Loki began to speak. Quietly and with much more patience than he had previously. The Allfather took that as a positive sign.
"Letting the Frost Giants into Asgard during the coronation was never about betrayal or helping myself." he said "You were going to give Thor the throne. He was not ready. He was far too arrogant, cruel, and selfish of a man to rule, but that behavior evidently didn't burden you. I spoke of this, but was not heard by you or mother. So Thor was going to become king. Had he been king, do you think Jotunheim would have lasted very long? Do you believe I am the only one who would have destroyed them? I did what I felt had to be done for you to see his nature before you gave him power. Loki inclined his head to the side in submission with a sigh "Yes, jealously was a factor, I concede. But I stand by what I did, because I did not have Asgard's ill in mind. I won't apologize for that." And now his eyes darted away from Odin's, expecting consternation. Over the past few years, he'd responded to any chastisement from his father, warranted or not, with defiance. But the reprimands still stung when they came.
"Thor was not ready that day, but Mjolnir would have left him if he were truly a danger to Asgard." Odin sounded contemplative rather than angry. "He meant well, but he still had aspects of the foolish boy he'd been. Aspects that were not tempered as well as they should have been and that blame falls to me. Though, that does not excuse your actions. In the long run, it would have been better for you to endure his irrationality as it came than to damage your own standing."
"Even if it safeguarded Asgard?" Loki asked pointedly "I know you think I didn't care, but I was still a prince with love for his realm." he traced his bottom lip with a finger restlessly and blinked in frustration "Trust me I...I wished many times that I had just remained static. If I had just stayed as the pathetic passive son while Thor was gone then maybe...everything would be different. Perhaps even Mother's fate."
Odin paused briefly. He'd expected his queen to come into the conversation at some point.
"What did you say to her that day in your cell?" he asked. Frigga's mention of the event before she returned to Valhalla had piqued his interest.
Loki's brows furrowed over at him, caught completely off guard "Why?" now his voice had bitterness "That's not privy to you as king. Unless you would have punished her for coming to see me."
"I turned the other way when I suspected. It does not matter to me as king, but as her husband and your father, I am merely curious."
Loki still looked wary. Then, he resigned to the query.
"She asked...if you were not my father if that meant she was not my mother. I told her...she was not. Then she left and died shortly thereafter. Of course the last thing I should say would hurt her. I never...would have said it if I'd known..." his eyes immediately grew wet and he tried to blink them away by scowling "If I'd been there..."
Odin intoned "Don't blame yourself for that. Both Thor and I have done it, but the fault is not any of ours to bear."
"But, I wasn't there. Wasn't anywhere near where a son should have been." The Frost Giant almost sounded angry that he wasn't being held accountable. Odin neither agreed nor disagreed with his statement.
Loki brought one hand to his forehead and drew in a silent breath as tears unexpectedly began rolling onto his cheeks. He closed his eyes, no longer caring that his fingers trembled in front of the Allfather. They fell into a silence. Yet for once, it was not because they had nothing to say. They took the moment to share the grief they had not shared yet.
Odin sat patiently, mourning alongside his son. Thor had grieved and moved on, but the younger son had carried the despair with him all these months, as he did with most things. It was still as raw as the day her murder happened.
"She said she would never have left you like that if she'd known it would be the last time she saw you. Take her advice and forgive yourself for that moment. I saw you worsen after her death. And I'm sorry...that you grieved for her alone." Odin said sincerely.
Loki's face lifted in brief surprise through the tears.
"Yes, I did check on you unobtrusively from time to time after she died, not knowing she had done the same thing previously. Your guards also voiced concern. I never enjoyed putting you there, Loki."
"Then why didn't you or Thor come to tell me of her death yourselves?" the Frost Giant asked painfully "Even if I was in the dungeons, you could have at least treated me as some...some SEMBLANCE of family." But he didn't actually want an answer to the question. Instead, he gathered his emotions back together and asked another.
"Did the guard come to inform me out of courtesy or was that your doing?"
"I sent him." Odin replied.
"And her send off?" Loki pressed intently, his eyes still aching for the reason behind his exclusion. The tears threatened to come again, but he cleared his throat "I know some think it would have been inappropriate for me to attend that, but if the king is meant to be your father and the queen your mother...then..."
"I try to separate my roles entirely, Loki." Odin responded "And ruling takes priority. I contemplated my decision afterwards for many days. Even felt regretful. I still must stand by it. Though, I am sorry I could not be your father in that moment." he looked over at the window again, as if viewing something in particular "Valhalla took pity on all of us and allowed us the true closure we did not receive. I wish more than anything that your mother could have come back home with us after the battle. I hoped to join Valhalla before she did. She would do better in this situation than I. But she is closer than we sense and we owe it to her to continue living as she would want."
Loki sighed. That was one thing he and his father definitely agreed on.
"I know. We both have rather pessimistic temperaments." Odin spoke with grim amusement "Our lives must go on. You have a renewed start and it has a chance of only improving from here. As you allow it to do so. Hena will make a wonderful wife and queen, if that is your intention." he sat back as he sensed the conversation coming to an end "I am sorry that it came to this, Loki. I was always proud and aware of you, no matter how much you doubted it. I hope that we can mend what was broken between us. Thor may have overshadowed at times, but I know we had times with just the two of us."
Pulling his hands apart and resting them lightly on his legs, Loki let out a very burdened breath.
"I didn't have an unhappy childhood." he admitted quietly "Not the majority of it."
"I'm glad to hear you say this because raising you was a happy experience. You do have the resilience to endure difficulties, but you need not do it alone as you have in the past. Enjoy the good times with your friends and family, but don't forget that you can let them in on your hardships as well." Odin peered behind him at the healer entering the room again. She nodded briefly at her king before leaving, but it was a reminder that the tincture Loki had taken would be taking effect soon. Prepping for the removal would take longer with the Jotun awake.
"Eir will give you instructions for how to proceed from here. She has certain precautions set in place to ensure your recovery. And, the advisors will come to speak with you before you leave."
"To make sure I haven't been driven mad?" Loki asked dryly.
"I worry for psychological recovery as well as physical recovery. The ailment in your blood is dangerous, but at least that can be dealt with directly." he nodded his chin down a bit "Is there anything else you wish to address right now?"
Loki paused, though he knew exactly what question he wanted to ask.
"What...what do you know of my birth mother?" he queried, gaze flicking up "You've told me nothing of her."
Odin's eyebrows bent upward, but he didn't look bothered. His response came slowly.
"Her name was Farbauti. Her and Laufey were wedded for centuries before the battle with Asgard. Honestly, very little is known about Jotunheim's queen. He did not reveal much of her, but that is common among Frost Giants. They guard their women by privacy."
"Is she dead?" Loki asked.
Odin nodded once "I believe so."
"Did Laufey have other children? Or did she?"
"If he did, the Frost Giants would have crowned them once Laufey died. I am not certain of Farbauti. There may have been some before her marriage to Laufey. She is believed to have died shortly before or during the war."
"Did we attack their women?" Loki asked. Each question came with very little emotion as he tried to untangle the maze of his beginning.
"No. Laufey may have been her killer or she may have taken her own life." Odin folded his lips inward as he thought "These are the tales we've heard."
"Because of me?" Loki now sounded more present and he straightened "If I was an inferior heir, Laufey would not have been pleased."
"Yes, that may have been the case." Odin replied, not wanting to lie "Though I do not know the strength their bond had."
Loki pondered that for a moment. Perhaps Laufey had killed his wife when she failed to give him a strong child or she had felt ashamed and decided to taken her own life. Or, even if they had decided together not to keep the child and wait for another. Maybe Farbauti had loved and wanted her child. Maybe it wasn't as personal as he believed.
But, he shook the speculations away. He didn't like to imagine that he'd ever had family in Jotunheim. As angry as he was about the lies and his relationship with Odin and Thor, they were the ones he'd grown up with. He felt closer to them than he ever could with his blood family.
"Anything further?" Odin asked calmly.
Loki shook his head in response and the king stood, taking hold of Gungnir again.
"The council will have your pardon interrogation tomorrow evening. You already know what this consists of. I remind you that I cannot speak during it. This will be for you alone, but I'll be in attendance. Valder and Svleiva have been informed of your waking. They should be here this afternoon. I imagine Hena will come as well." he looked behind himself "Eir will be pulling the poison shortly. I'll return for that if needed. After that, you're welcome to leave when Eir releases you."
Loki watched him turn to leave and hesitated on speaking. He felt he should say thank you for the thoughtfulness concerning Anaheim, but the Allfather exited the room without anything else being said.
As soon as the doors closed, the Jotun king drew one hand to his face. He was overwhelmed with everything that had been said, yet the strongest emotion was one that he hadn't felt in a long time.
Relief.
As he cried, tears spilled over his fingers and down onto the paper with the full explanation of his vindication.
This was definitely my most favorite chapter to write yet. I want people to remember that I genuinely like Odin, so his words don't have hidden meanings, I promise lol. Please leave a review if you enjoyed it!