-๑-๑ ஜ ๑- Chapter 28: Aftermath -๑ ஜ ๑-๑-
"FINALLY- A SUCCESS!"
Roaring was to be heard, cheers, clapping and more. Crowds har gathered around Shizuo's troup. It was still night but the villagers made damn sure they were able to see.
Bonfires left and right in the middle of the street- music, the smell of someone actually cooking meat paired with laughter and joy filled Onigashima like never before
They had returned from the first part of their two part mission- with every single one alive.
People were bragging about having killed titans about how the wall would soon be claimed back.
Shizuo heard them all boast with glee.
It was true, they had actually accomplished something great. But his mood didn't match the crowd.
Too far was Kadota out there, probably in danger. Not now, but once the sun rose for sure.
Shinra had disappeared too, where Shizuo didn't know.
And then there was Izaya.
The fact that he was gone and the reason why. And on top of all that-
"Heiwajima! Come on, join us!" Shaking his head he turned away.
Away from the crowd, the cheers the light.
If anyone should not be there then it was him. He had turned into a titan before- for an unknown reason.
That fact was easily forgotten with what had happened out there. Shiki- his messed up plan, Izaya-
But right now with people all around him cheering over their first victory against the titans, being one himself he felt like a traitor.
He just felt so god damn alone.
Weary dragging his feet forward he took some distance from the crowd.
Darkness enveloped the blond like a cozy blanket as the pressure dropped from his shoulders.
It was cold, but he didn't freeze. Never unlike a certain captain.
He had noticed a couple times before. He was probably the type to dress up in multiple layers just to keep his own body temperature even.
Turning at a corner the blond faced the place that he always trailed back to when something bugged his mind.
To be fair, at night it seemed a bit creepy, but the hospital was his favourite place in this whole city.
Creaking softly the main entrance was opened. A lady sat at the reception. Lifting her head from a book she read during her night shift she cast a quick glance at the blond. A short nod was given as she returned to her work of fiction.
Shizuo had been here so often, at some point they just scrapped the visiting hours for him.
He was always quiet, collected and peaceful when he was here. Very unlike his usual composure.
Quiet, as if scared he might wake his brother, he entered Kasuka's room.
Nothing had changed. He was still there, attached to various cables, a machine beeping continuously next to the head of the bed.
When Shizuo first saw him like that he freaked out over every tune that machine gave off, over every number that appeared.
He had had hope- hope that he would just wake up after a day or two.
But then it became a week.
A month.
The costs were starting to pile up, as much as the frustration and sadness he felt.
He didn't even remember how high his debts were when someone approached him. Asking if he cared to join the survey corps in exchange for the hospital costs.
Thinking of it now, it must have been one of Shiki's men. It seemed as clear as daylight after today's events.
"Hey brother."
One would expect he would be awkward, talking to someone that never responded. It wasn't even like he did it for Kasuka. The doctors had been quite clear on the topic. He couldn't hear him, couldn't see him, couldn't feel.
According to them Kasuka had a 10% chance of ever waking up again- and that number declined with everyday that passed.
Shizuo hadn't bothered to ask what the odds were right now.
He didn't want to know.
And yet, coming here somehow kept his head on the ground.
"Today was…. crazy," he started slowly, trying to get the jumbled mess in his head sorted as he dragged the chair in the room over to the bedside.
"I was out, you know, fighting titans." Well fighting titans was probably not really accurate. "Or rather, watching out for them. The others did all the hard work while I could just stand by and watch really."
It was a miracle he survived anyway. Titans everywhere it was the others that took them out. Shizuo was still crap at handling the maneuver gear.
A deep frown forced itself into his forehead and he lowered his head.
"Izaya almost got killed. My captain. The one that helped get into the survey corps in the first place. The survey corps set that up. A guy called Shiki."
Izaya had fallen off the wall. One minute, no, one second later he could have been dead.
If Shizuo fucked up with the maneuver gear the second he saw Izaya fall he would have died.
It was a miracle really.
He managed to shoot that wire- somehow made it to Izaya, crashing onto one of the empty houses' roofs.
He should be happy, maybe even delighted because he did save the flea. He saved his life.
So why?
Why did he feel so goddamn useless?
"Kasuka, I lied to you," he swallowed hard. His brother was not even awake but the guilt of not telling him was still very much present.
It had been the reason why it had been a while since visited as well.
It was stupid but-
"You know what I did?"
He felt like he betrayed his brother.
"I turned into a titan."
Silence.
Of course, what else? Did he expect a scolding? Maybe.
"I don't know why, I don't know how, but-"
It was funny since Kasuka probably didn't even hear what he said, but he still felt the need to explain. But seeing as he was lacking information on that as well they were both just left hanging. Sighing deeply his hand found its way to his forehead. "I want to help but all I seem to do is make everything worse. Izaya is covering up for me too. I just don't know what to do. I probably don't even get half of what's actually going on."
Deafening silence filled the room. Silence and emptiness.
He had told Kasuka everything that had been on his mind. But somehow this time he didn't feel any better.
Just empty.
With no solution at hand.
Swallowing the lump that had formed inside his throat he got up and pushed the chair back into its original position. His lips were shut tight as his gaze fell onto the older brother.
Anger, frustration, regret and blame took their leisure invading his mind and Shizuo's fist found itself to be the outlet as he punched the door on his way out.
There was literally nothing he could do.
…
Was it the same for Izaya? Was that what he had felt before? Was that why he had laughed like a maniac? His behavior had made no sense at the time, but right now Shizuo felt as though he understood too well to his liking.
Izaya hadn't even seemed relieved to not have died.
Ice cold clutched the blond's throat for a second. Too vividly he recalled the way the raven had acted and disappeared from the crowd after returning to the wall.
…
He wouldn't do anything to end the situation, right? He wouldn't-
Rushing out into the corridor the blond's steps evolved into a full blown run.
Fresh air hit his face, along with the first sun's rays as the night was already coming to an end. He could hear his comrades cheering from the main road, drunk- they had the following day to the mission off from training and all duties so they were enjoying themselves like there was no tomorrow.
All of that was ignored as the blond raced on- towards their headquarters. He didn't even know if Izaya would be there, it was simply the only place he could check. The only place he concluded the flea might have returned to.
The building wasn't far. Pulse accelerated, steps were passed as he flew up the staircase of the building.
Endlessly long seemed the corridor to his captain's room, and hot like iron the handle to it as he pushed the door open.
It was a mess. That was the first thing he noticed. Izaya's room that is. Bookshelves had been emptied, every object in the room displaced or knocked over- but most importantly, in the middle of all that was a certain man.
And god bless he was not dangling from a rope around his neck.
Like a deer caught in headlights the raven's expression spelled surprise as his eyes met the blond. He was sitting on the ground in the midst of the chaos, holding some book.
"What the hell happened here?" For a second the option of someone having tried to assassinate the raven again crossed Shizuo's mind- but his captain seemed way too calm and collected for that to be the case.
The way the room looked as well- it had been torn down as if someone had searched for something- but only the lower half of it. The books at the very top of the shelf had been neglected.
As if the culprit had not had the capability to reach the top.
…
Was it Izaya?
Did Izaya himself create this mess?
"What are you doing here?" quiet and awfully slow the question followed, his captain, despite asking, not really seeming like he cared a lot. Izaya's whole composure somehow emitted a certain flair of whatever.
Ah.
What was he supposed to answer? I thought you wanted to kill yourself that's why I ran here all the way from the plaza to stop you?
It was the truth, but not exactly anything he wanted to mention to the flea. Who knew, worst case he would consider it as an offer.
"Dunno, everyone is out celebrating and just…" he rather opted for a different option. "It's weird to accompany them knowing they might as well kill me if they knew what I am."
And regretted it almost instantly. The raven's eyes shifted, acknowledging his dilemma and considering a solution it seemed.
Great.
Not only was Shizuo useless in battle, instead of helping the flea in any way he just kept loading his own mess onto him.
Wasn't he nothing more than a burden to him that way?
But Izaya didn't seem to be fazed, just tranquil, like nothing the blond told him right now would actually make a difference.
…
Well considering what happened during their mission it was only natural. Only barely the blond grasped a portion of what Izaya might be going through at the moment and it was already more than he could chew as his guts tied themselves into a knot.
It was suffocating- just this much- just how was the raven dealing with this?
Still sitting there still, the raven's gentle gaze left the blond with a soft sigh.
He seemed to notice he was troubled, even if he probably misjudged why.
"Well as you can see I have quite the mess to clean up, if you wanna keep me company I wouldn't mind."
… so it had been Izaya after all.
The one who turned this room upside down.
Considering what Shizuo had done in his life when he lost it this was a relatively mild outbreak.
Approaching one of the shelves he picked up a few of the dozend books scattered on the ground. Most of them were thick, their content probably too hard for him to grasp in the first place. Philosophy, History, Medicine- a book about arithmetics fell into his hand next as he bowed down as if to prove him even more stupid.
He had visited school, together with Kasuka, but apart from the three years spent there he didn't really receive any more education after the fall of wall Maria.
Everything had turned into a mess that day. His brother had been gone, their parents never been there in the first place and he suddenly needed to pay for hospital fees more expensive than he had ever thought possible.
Putting yet another book into the shelf he paused- it had been familiar, but upon glancing at it he realized it was the same school book he had owned.
Funny, just how broad the difference between them seemed to be.
It was only when he had made his way through half the cupboard that he realized he was the only one moving.
Still sitting there in the middle of the room, Izaya still held the book he had been skimming through upon Shizuo's entry. Carefully turning one of the already yellow and thin pages the blond realized his captain was actually reading.
A shadow looked over the raven as he blinked softly, glancing up.
"... what is that about?"
Shizu-chan seemed to be intrigued.
… come to think of it, this was the first they spent so much time in one room without the need for training, discussing plans or anything else that regarded their retarded missions.
Putting the book onto the ground he brushed across the old pages, showing illustrations of various artists.
"It's literature about a world beyond the wall," he informed fondly.
He had actually forgotten he owned that one until it had fallen into his hands. It had been his all time favourite of them all when he first joined the survey corps. Little had he known about what was about to come. Should have read the job description before agreeing to a deal with that basshole Shiki.
"Beyond the wall?" Shizuo questioned, snapping the raven out of his less than joyful memory.
For a moment he glanced at the blond, not quite sure if he was pretending to be clueless. But then he remembered not everyone inside this wall was actually crazy enough to purchase and keep a book that went against the church.
Judging Shizu-chan these kinds of theories also probably had just never been of any interest in his list of priorities.
With Kasuka to pay for it must have been hell to even survive after the Wall's fall. His stomach churned thinking about their similarity when it came to their siblings. Mairu and Kururi were at least alive, their hometown was intact- Shizu-chan's not so much.
Rising the book to his chin he allowed the blond a closer look. "Have you ever heard of the sea? Or something called a desert? Just imagine, there is sand wherever you go," he inquired, showing the blond a page with illustrations of said places.
Curiosity obviously caught Shizu-chan reacted for the book, looking at the various pictures as he skimmed through.
"I heard people talk about that from time to time. Aren't those fantasy stories?" he questioned, stopping at a particular page that illustrated frozen water dripping from the sky.
"I don't think so actually," Izaya shrugged, "The world is vast, I have been the farthest from the wall and the world doesn't seem as though it's going to stop existing past the next forest."
Looking at the illustrations Shizuo couldn't help but feel like there was some truth to Izaya's words. They had no way of knowing what laid beyond the titan´s territory.
The thought only sparked another question.
"But- then who wrote that down?"
A cheshire smirk drew acros Izaya's expression as he glanced at the blond.
"That's the most intriguing question isn´t it~?"
"Maybe it was the guy who built the wall."
"Blasphemy Shizu-chan? Don't let that hear the holy entity," Izaya chukled, "I was thinking something along these lines as well though, to be fair." Flipping the book over, Izaya reached out for another one. Showing illustrations equally stunning he flipped through the pages in a short spark of joy. "It would be amazing to explore these places- just imagining already feels like a small trip outside these walls." He started to rant as he skimmed through the book.
The mood of the room had shifted. The mess was still very much present, but somehow it wasn't as oppressing as it had been before.
He had never thought the captain of the survey corps would have such a side to his character. Sure the survey corps mission was to gather intel on the outside and how they could get rid of the titans. In a way they were all about exploring- but somehow the blond doubted most were actually looking forward to what the world had to offer like Izaya did right now as he skimmed through the pages.
He really liked seeing this side.
He seemed happy.
At least right now.
Somehow Shizuo felt like he had to treat moments like these like butterflies, fragile like glass, shattered by the slightest disturbance. The peace that was held by the walls was similar to it.
Mesmerized by the illustrations of a land covered in white ice, Izaya's attention shifted from expectant and curious, to a quizzical one.
"Do I have something on my face?"
Snapped out of his thoughts the blond shook his head, before resuming to rearrange the mess.
"I was just spacing out."
to be continued~
Yoooooo this was slightly less depressing at the end :3 For once. xD But hey I promised some neat Shizaya soon to come in this and here we go xD Things are going to be wayyyy more lovely soon~ xDDD and maybe… steamy xD
Oh well enough teasing, see you in the next update on July 1st ;3