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ஜ Chapter 19: Reminiscence ஜ
-Shizuo´s point of view-
He felt rude to be asking such a sensitive question, and yet... he had seen Izaya get nightmares about it, he couldn´t just leave it like that.
It wasn´t like he was angry or like he wanted to remind the raven of what happened... but-
"You just said she died anyway," Kasuka turned fairly fast, it didn´t even take long, but was it the same for Izaya? He said he had time to research- that didn´t sound like it was over quickly...
"You wonder how, don´t you?" the raven sighed, turning just so much he was able to look at Shizu-chan´s face.
"...I do, but that´s not it." He really shouldn´t be asking this sort of thing- it wasn´t even as if he wanted to know because he was curious- that wasn´t it. "I mean if you don't want to talk about it it´s fine too, but I just thought... talking about Kasuka with you, you know, it made me feel better." That might have sounded stupid since Izaya seemed to deal with everything way better than he could ever dream to, but somehow he wanted to return the favors Izaya had given him. "Punching the shit out of you made me feel better, so-" Be it when he let him talk about Kasuka, or rather forced him to, and made him hit him to get rid of this tension inside his head... he just wanted to help for once as well. "I want to return the favor."
A soft chuckle was to be heard from the spot where Izaya laid. The candle Kasane had lit had remained in their half of the tent, allowing the blond to actually look at the flea.
"Want me to beat the shit out of you?" Izaya chuckled, twisting his head just the slightest bit to meet his glance. The blond shrugged, he wouldn´t mind, though he knew the raven was joking.
"If it helps." Izaya didn´t need to be a genius to realize that the blond actually meant what he said. And yet...
"... talk, huh?" He didn´t know if he wanted that sort of thing. He had been trying his hardest to just forget about it. It was nasty enough that he still remembered every single detail about that day, and now? Recalling everything and talking about it? He didn't know if he wanted to.
Silence filled the tiny space for a little while, almost making the blond regret his question. He had intended well with it, and yet...
"...sorry, it wasn't the best idea probably." Shizuo found himself mumbling and rolled on his back again, looking at the ceiling instead.
Maybe it was an odd way to put it like this but he wanted the flea to rely on him, to just know that he could talk to him, that he could do anything he needed to.
That he was there for him too. They only had each other right now, and Shizuo wasn´t so sure whether they would even meet anyone else they knew in a non zombified state.
Shizuo didn´t even get why Izaya did it, but he only helped him so far, he supported him in everything he did- in a weird sense he knew he could count on the flea.
Even if he hated the idea of the louse getting hurt over him or doing something that put him into danger like before- he just knew Izaya wouldn´t abandon him.
It really was almost as if they had become friends.
"...there just isn´t much to say..." having caught the spoken words the blond turned his head towards the flea once more- "It happened so fast you know..."
-Flashback. Izaya´s point of view.-
"Izaya-" panic was reflecting in the girls eyes- tears dropping down her face- her entire body was shivering and trembling. As if she were trying to hide it she tightened her grip on the wound on her forearm.
Heaving, rage still filling his heart the raven kicked the dog whose throat he had just slit with his knife. Blood was oozing out of the dead creature as it smashed against the wall of the abandoned apartment.
It bit her-
It fucking bit her-
Somehow he felt nauseous, he felt light headed, he felt himself silently praying that he was having a nightmare right now, that this was just a dream and he would wake up any second-
It couldn´t have bitten Mairu, it couldn´t- if it did-
NO. It couldn´t!
Mairu was everything he had left- she was the only one still here, she was his sister, his little sister-
Kururi had already died because of this shit- so she couldn't- she-
"Iza-nii... I don´t want to die-" the soft crying voice made him turn around to face his little sibling. His eyes softened at the sight, his lips curled downwards, the usual smile had been dropped long ago. NO, no he couldn´t be like this.
Swallowing hard he eased his expression back into a light hearted one.
Mairu was scared, the way she looked at him, she was just so scared. She was trembling, she was afraid, this wasn´t the time to succumb to panic and despair. Taking a step towards his sister he pulled her close without hesitation.
His little sister... she wasn´t even that little anymore. She was almost grown up, just the slightest bit shorter than him. And yet right now, she looked so scared, every ounce of her usual cheerfulness and her usual confidence had simply faded away leaving nothing but the little girl he knew all life long.
"It´s alright, no worry. I will make everything okay again. I promise." He spoke intently, trying to give his best to sound as convincing as he could. The girl was still trembling violently, hot tears stained the raven´s shoulder.
"But you can´t- Kururi died too- she just-" Mairu choked out under tears.
It made the raven feel like crying too, hearing his sister sound so despaired and lost. Tightening his hug he shook his head softly, knowing she would get the motion.
"You aren´t Kururi and we already know what you have, those doctors were just too slow, okay? We can do this together." Grasping the girl´s shoulders softly he pushed her away, gently, just so much he could look her in the eyes.
Tears had gathered there, dripping of her face relentlessly as she wiped away at them.
"Everything will be fine Mairu, I promise."
He promised.
He told her he would save her. Mairu had smiled, just the slightest bit, even though was still trembling the whole time. He had a feeling Mairu knew how slim the chances were for her to survive and yet, he hoped he gave her just a little bit of hope at least.
It was way too late to stop the virus from spreading through the girl's body and the raven had no idea if he could even save her- but that didn´t mean he couldn´t make her feel better by saying what he did.
No time was wasted as the raven headed together with his sister to a nearby hospital- it was small, way too crowded by dead meat eating creatures. Stab after stab followed- he almost used up all his knifes.
The sun was already appearing at the horizon when he moved a shelf in front of a patient´s room- in it he had gathered every book he could find and every medical device he could grasp.
Electricity was down for the most part, the only thing spending light inside this room besides for the small window on the right, was a small candle he had lit on a desk he moved in here.
And so he read- he read and studied- he calculated in his head, wrote down countless of theories only to scratch them out after a few minutes again.
Paper after paper went flying as he tried to find a way, to find a solution to defeat this virus, to make it kill itself or develop some sort of amazing antibody that could kill the deadly virus in Mairu´s blood right away.
...
It only took a few hours until she developed the fever.
...
Slowly but gradually she was getting hotter. He told her to rest on the patient bed in the room and wait just a bit because he was almost done with it. A lie... again.
The fever rose by the minute.
He tried his hardest- and then... he found a way.
Leaning over his written notes he grasped the pieces of paper, going through his thought process again as an idea struck him.
He knew at that moment he had found it. He knew he had found a way.
And yet he knew he was too late.
The way he found, the time he needed to create this, the time the antidote needed to rest, needed to be heated and then put cold- it was a matter of seconds that it took until Izaya had calculated just how many days and waiting hours he would have to wait until what he had in mind was actually done...
He couldn´t bring himself to admit that he was just too late- that he just couldn´t do it-
Not paying attention to time or how long he should let the biochemical substances rest or how he should somehow put them cold in a world with no electricity he just did what he could- he skipped some steps, he shortened the time. Somewhere deep down he was feeling nauseous, he was feeling lightheaded, because he knew he wasn´t doing this in the right order... the antidote wouldn´t work. And yet he couldn´t bring himself to stop and give up.
There was this part in his brain, this one part that just cancelled out all logic and knowledge he had gathered, that kept telling him, maybe it will still work.
Maybe there will be a miracle and it will still work.
He couldn´t see it- he didn´t want to.
Hours had passed, almost 16 in total. It was evening... the sun was setting again when Izaya filled what he created into a syringe.
"Iza-nii?" the girl flinched softly, never having liked injections ever since she was a little girl.
"This will help you." Izaya mumbled softly, putting the now empty syringe aside. A soft smile was on his face as he sat down on the bed.
He had done everything he could... now he could only hope. Hope that it worked, and yet...
He failed. He knew it already, deep down, he knew it.
He failed.
And yet- he just couldn´t accept it.
It had to work-
It had to-
Feeling his brows furrow into a sad frown he leaned forward to hug his sister tightly. Wrapping her arms around him she hugged him back, she felt so hot and yet she was trembling like a leaf.
"Iza-nii, I'm scared..." she spoke with trembling lips. It tore Izaya's heart apart...
"You don´t need to be you will be fine. I found a solution, the antidote is working. You will get better now." What a lie. What a blunt lie.
There were only a few rare moments in which Izaya was amazed by how own acting- and one of these was right now.
He knew this was it, this was the last time he was getting to talk to his sister- it was the last time he would hear her voice, the last time he would hear anyone call him Iza-nii.
His throat felt constricted to the point he felt like he couldn´t breathe, because he knew he had been too late... he had used the wrong things, he hadn't waited the necessary amount of time, he hadn´t-
"Iza-nii, I´m sorry for always saying you are a useless brother. I didn´t mean it." She sounded oddly calm, peaceful. "Thank you for being such a great brother." He could almost feel her smile against his neck.
...
It was odd, Izaya felt this heavy sadness in his chest, this feeling of emptiness, this cold painful feeling, his throat felt constricted and yet he couldn´t cry.
He couldn´t. Somehow he just felt detached from his body. As if this weren´t real.
"What are you saying? I´m pretty useless aren´t I?" Trailing his hand up he softly stroked the girls hair in an attempt to comfort her. In attempt to stop the tremors.
He didn´t want her to be afraid.
If anything he didn´t want her to be scared. He wanted to be there for her. He wanted to keep her safe.. and happy... he really wanted to-
She was everything he had left-
Tightening his hug in the slightest he nuzzled into his sisters shoulder- she was shivering.
"Are you still cold? Do you want me to get another blanket?" His voice almost broke halfway through the sentence, the sound almost hurting his ears.
But Mairu didn´t answer.
"Mairu?"
The tremors stopped.
"Hey, Mairu?" Softly unwrapping his arms the raven leant back, disbelieve written across his face- Her eyes had closed.
NO- not yet- she just- she was still-
And then suddenly she moved.
Opened her eyes again.
...
Glazed eyes.
And all of a sudden it was as if someone had robbed all emotions of Izaya´s heart.
-Izaya´s point of view. Present-
It had been... just so quiet. So, so quiet.
His tongue felt heavy with every word he spoke- he didn´t even know why he was telling this the blond in the first place- he was almost struggling to get the words out and yet...
Somehow he suddenly found himself trapped in that moment.
Maybe he had been ever since then anyway.
He just felt so empty and cold.
"I promised her, you now," he mumbled dryly. He didn´t expect Shizuo to understand nor did he want to hear his opinion on what he did.
He knew he should have just stayed somewhere safe instead fo wandering around with her at night-
He knew he should have just spent the time he had to be with his sister instead of reading these useless books.
Looking back at it he had wasted the precious time she had left.
He wasted it.
"It was over just like that. Didn´t even take long just a day." It was almost funny to think about... it happened so fast, just a single day and everything was over.
"Now you know." After that he didn´t really know what he was even doing. He remembered shoving the things he used into his bag pack without much of a care actually and then he headed out.
Away. Just away from there. Somewhere in the back of his mind there was this voice calling out to him that he knew a solution to everything here. That he could save everyone that hadn´t get turned into one of these creatures yet.
But somehow that thought was only far back in his mind.
He wandered around until he came to an empty hall. He re-watched the videos from before this shit escalated. From before this happened to Mairu. He pretended it never happened.
He tried to forget.
Just ignore it.
When Shizu-chan came along he thought he was having bad luck. That brute would just kill him, ne? But truth to be told with everything that happened he was glad for his presence, for him being there.
He was about the greatest distraction you could get out there.
"... are you... okay?" It was only when he heard the question that Izaya finally turned his head to look at the blond again. He hadn´t even realized he was staring at the ceiling all the time.
"What?"
"... well... you..." the blond faded out, feeling as though he shouldn´t spell it out loud and instead he just pointed at his cheek. The raven seemed to get the hint as he touched his own.
It was... somehow really hard to see the flea like this.
Realizing what the blond meant the raven quickly wiped at his face.
"Ahaha how embarrassing." While Izaya had told his story they had just started to flow by themselves, the tears. He didn´t think Izaya even noticed them. He just kept talking, telling him about his sister.
"I don´t think it is." Shizuo would have never thought it would be so hard to listen to someone´s story. He didn´t think it would hit him so hard to see the flea like this.
"You were a really good brother." Undoubtedly. "An asshole flea maybe, but a good brother."
Izaya snorted, wiping away the last remains of the clear liquid and glanced at him.
"The hell is that supposed to mean? As if you could judge what kind of brother I am."
"I am an older brother too you know? I can judge." Maybe not in the same way that Izaya's sisters could, but still- "You did everything you could… I doubt there are many who would do what you tried." The raven sighed, rolling on his side as he glanced at the blond.
"You mean the majority would just shoot her through the head?"
"The majority would have probably left her behind in the first place."
Ah... Izaya couldn´t really deny that being true...
He had seen the way humans acted when they were in danger- it wasn´t only once he saw some parent sacrificing their child in order to get away...
Times like this surely brought the dark side to the surface of everyone.
Was Shizu-chan trying to cheer him up?
He couldn´t help but smile at the thought.
"Thanks, I guess." Really... this was developing more and more into something he really found himself liking.
To be continued~
Daaaawwww, now wasn´t this cute? Kawaii flea finally admitting how sad he was over his siblings after all. He did sort of report coldly about them so far. Yahh, ignoring won´t solve the issue Izzy. If you are wondering, now I´m done with everyone´s sad past part xD Some pretty cute and aw my GAWD stuff will be happening next time C: and even more OH MY GAWD will follow after that xDDDDDD
See chu on Monday the 2nd January again~! Cx
Unknownr234: I am I am xD no worries~ C:
RandomReader: yes antidote xD hehehe, and more sad past story x'D but I am really done with that now C': so look ahead to some scary and fluffy shit C: xD
Guest 2: haha indeed he has an idea how to solve this entire shit C': even if it didn´t work on his sis, poor girl... aw gosh YES xDDD he is relying so much on Shizuo and yet he doesn´t even realize it xD dawww yes xD hahah good then C; awwwwww xDD gosh x'D Yeah even if it makes a good plot twist, i really dislike it when the plot just shoves soemthing totally unexpected in there that feels out of place or something, i always want an explanation afterwards on why that happened now and here xDDDDDD aw gosh- you lil genius or are you a wizard? You guessed right xD Izaya did tell him hehe poor flea naw 3
ON a side note:
-OOOOOOOOOOOOOO- IMPORTANT INFO -IOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
- I´m already warning you ahead of time, in January there will be NO UPDATES apart from sotd and bcd on Monday the 2nd xD It´s exam time and I have really a lot of important exams to study for this time C': So I will only continue updating regularly again starting 6th February C:
Plz forgive me xD I really need the time to study C': I will be trying to draw some Shizaya pictures meanwhile tho so look forward to February the 1st cuz I most definitely will be uploading at least one picture then xD
And for everyone who is wondering why ast hasn´t been updated: I´m kinda stuck there xD give me a bit of time I will definitely write more, just right now I´m stuck C':
And about bcd and the LAST chapter of ne, these two will be coming out tomorrow~! With that being said, see you guys xD
Now, now I have an important announcement to make :C
Sadly sadly, I will be gone now for about a month xC University exams are approaching and I really need the time to study for them all C': to be more specific I´m a nervous little shit on top of that so even when I get time I can´t concentrate on Shizaya chapters xD
Ahh, anyway, the next chapters will be coming like this:
-๑-๑๑- FEBRUARY 2017 -๑๑-๑--
Sometime this week- "No escape" the end I WILL UPDATE/finish THIS ONE XDD
Wednesday 1st
Picture(s) ? Chu will get a little eyecandy or two as a treaty for being absent so long C:
(Done: 1 of ? eyecandies)
MoNDAy 6th
The wish to disappear (36)
A single touch (8)
Sinful Desire (10)
MoNDAy 12th
Survival of the doomed (20)
Behind closed doors (18)
START: NEW STORY: Shingeki no Shizuo (Shingeki no kyojin crossover) (1)
So this is how it´s going to be C': Sorry for being so late again xD And for the breaky C': see you all in February! *0* With hopefully all exams passed and done- xDDDD