A/N: Thanks for your continued support of this story - as always, please keep letting me know what you think in the comments below!
Accio, I should let you decide this time. How do you want to be thanked for beta'ing chapter after chapter? Your call, and you're the best!
Things got a little interesting last time, no? Let's see if we can't ratchet those emotions up a bit…
September 16, 2012, 1:30am
The numbers on my alarm clock looked blurry to my unfocused eyes. Their harsh red glow was the only light coming from my side of the room, although a lamp was still on for some reason, giving the space a dull glow. A faint sniffing sound behind me caught my attention, and my brain tried to piece together the situation.
What would be making that noise?
All of a sudden, something clicked, and I remembered that I wasn't alone in my bed. My confusion turned to worry as I rolled over to find myself facing Hermione's curved back. Tiny spasms were rippling through her body, which was curled into a ball, her knees digging into her chest. I heard a sob, soft and dampened by the thick pillow, and her petite frame shook again.
"Hey, Frizz…you okay?" I asked, placing my hand on her shoulder.
With a small jump, she gasped and pulled the blanket up over herself. "Sorry, did I wake you?"
"What's going on? Are you alright?"
"Yes," she said, her staccato breathing a sure sign that she was lying. "I'm fine, you can go back to sleep."
I paused for a minute, not wanting to pry. Although, it felt like one of those moments where leaving her alone and going back to sleep was the absolute last thing she actually wanted. Unsure whether I was making the right decision, I pressed on. "Frizz, come on, talk to me. It's the middle of the night. Why are you still up?"
For several moments, she was silent. She took some deep breaths and exhaled through her mouth, and her body seemed to relax into the mattress, her shoulders dropping.
"You're worrying me. Would you…can we talk?"
"It's okay, you don't have to worry. I'm just kind of a mess, but, really, it's okay. I'll figure it out."
Of course I couldn't back off then. She was clearly in pain, and I was hoping she wouldn't keep it bottled up like she had in the past. "Please, Frizz. I won't make you say anything, but I'd really like to help. You know you can tell me anything, right?"
"I know," she said, flipping onto her back. Her eyes were red and her cheeks were covered with tear tracks. "It's just kind of embarrassing."
"You don't have to be embarrassed around me."
Her eyes flitted around the room and she dried her eyes with the back of her hand. "I feel so…lost."
"Lost how?"
"Kind of directionless. Ever since college ended, everything has been such a whirlwind. I'm relieved that I'm slowing down again, trying to return to some sense of normalcy, but I don't know, it's not what I expected."
"Strange to still have a foot in both worlds?" I asked, my hand sliding down her arm and picking up her hand.
"In a way, but that's the thing. I don't want to be in both worlds. I want to be out of that world."
"Right, you mentioned that."
"But just being in the real world or the normal world or whatever you want to call it, I feel like I don't belong. So if I'm out of that fake world and I don't fit in in the real world, then where am I? And what am I doing?"
"Of course you belong," I said, squeezing her hand. In response, she rolled towards me. Part of my mind was swimming in delirious bliss when she rested her head on my chest. "It'll take some getting used to, but you'll figure it out, I'm sure of it."
"For so long, all I wanted was that feeling of excitement that I got once I was out in L.A. I didn't want to get stuck back in southeast Michigan without seeing something, doing something, you know? When I first arrived, every day was an adventure, something new and interesting to experience. Not for long, though. Even when I was at the height of my brief celebrity, all I could think about was how lonely it was. It sucked. It all fucking sucked, to be honest. I think I've barely admitted that to myself, but it's true."
"Well, I'm glad that you're becoming clear-headed about it, I suppose," I replied, wrapping my arm around her and pulling her closer. "I know you had your moments of doubt during your time out in California, but you usually seemed happy."
"I was, for a bit. But after the first six months or so…I don't know, it got old quickly. Everyone was so fake. They were your friends only as long as it offered them status by association. Once the parts dried up and I wasn't on billboards anymore, they were nowhere to be seen."
"So then why did you stay?"
Her breath warmed my neck as she sighed. "Who knows? I think I was just trying to recapture that feeling from the first several months. It all started out as such an exciting frenzy, and I couldn't help but tell myself how amazing it would be if I could just find one more part, to get myself back on top again."
"Right, I see. I'm sorry it never happened for you."
"Don't be. Honestly, it was for the best. I'm not cut out for that lifestyle."
My heart pounded harder as I decided that it was time to bring up the topic that had been making me nervous all night. It felt like the most natural segue I was going to get. Of course, part of me was terrified about how she might respond.
"So, if you don't want to do that any longer and you're not enjoying your life as it is now, what's next? What do you really want?"
A sharp breath echoed through the room as she rolled the fringe of my blanket through her fingers. "Wish I knew," she said. "But I can't keep doing what I'm doing now."
"Well, and don't shoot the messenger here, but I'll ask again. What about finally trying to make the store happen?"
"Oh, stop with the store."
"Frizz, it's a great idea!"
"In the right hands, maybe, but what do I know about any of that? What do I know about anything besides standing in front of a camera and filing paperwork anymore?"
"Don't say that. You're brilliant, always have been. As much as I'd miss you if you left Cisco, I think it would be for the best. You're too talented to be spending your time with us."
"I don't know, I guess I just don't have your confidence."
"Easier said than done, I know, but you should, there's no reason not to. I think you need to just take some time and think about what you want. Then jump in full force. You won't fail."
"But I'm so clueless and I keep changing my mind!" she exclaimed, tapping her fists on her head as tears leaked out of her eyes again. "I feel like I'm never satisfied and I'm always scared that I'm making the wrong choice or that a better choice might come along. It's like I'm incapable of realizing the opportunities in my life when they're right in front of my face. I get so stir-crazy and overly ambitious sometimes. Ambition should be a good thing, but I don't know, it's cost me so much over the years."
"Like what?"
"Like you!"
June 4, 2002, 11:20am
It had only been about forty-eight hours since the trio had returned from their senior class camping trip, but the dynamic between them had quite obviously changed. Hermione hadn't spent any significant time with Ron and Harry since arriving back home, and the few times they had run into each other during the last fun-filled, stress-free days of high school, her cheeks had reddened and she had zoomed off in the opposite direction as quickly as possible. Every night before he went to bed, Ron cursed himself again for not doing more to narrow the growing divide between them, but he had no idea where to start. She had nearly confessed that she liked him, for God's sake! It should've been an easy transition to being her girlfriend! Instead, he was left wondering how much of their friendship could be salvaged.
Just as Ron and Harry were sitting down to lunch, Ron's eyes scanned the room, looking to see if Hermione would join them. His heart sank when he finally found her in the crowd, seated halfway across the cafeteria next to some friends of hers from the after school environmentalism club. With a sigh and a slump of his shoulders, he grabbed his fork and picked at his macaroni and cheese.
"Have I mentioned how sorry I am?" Harry asked, his lips pursed.
Ron snickered as he washed his lunch down with some Yoohoo. "Only about a hundred times."
"Well, I am. I wish I'd known what was going on. I feel responsible for this weirdness."
"It's not all your fault, man. If she really wanted it to happen, I'm sure she wouldn't let a little embarrassment stop her. I guess she just wasn't that interested."
"Don't say that, and don't give up hope. Nobody belongs together more than you two, I'm sure of it."
"I wouldn't let Ginny hear you say that if I were you," Ron said with a smirk.
"Honestly, she'd probably agree with me!"
"Ugh, dude, just give it a rest. I really don't want to talk about it anymore. In case you hadn't noticed, the ball is in her court, so what can I do?"
"Try to talk to her? Tell her how you feel? Just march up to her and lay one on her right in the middle of the hallway?"
"Ha ha, very funny."
"I'm completely serious!" Harry cried, his eyebrows flying to the top of his forehead. "It's Hermione!"
"C'mon, man. I said I don't want to talk about it," Ron said, shoving a huge bite of food into his mouth and starting to get up from his seat.
Harry reached out and pulled his arm back, forcing him to sit back down. "Okay, okay, I'm sorry. Change the subject, I got it, no problem. Hey, did you get the notice from Northwestern about our dorm assignment?"
"Yeah, Bobb Hall. Do you know anything about it?" Ron replied, pulling the information sheet he'd received in the mail out of his backpack.
"Not really, but I looked it up on Yahoo and it seems to be one of the biggest dorms on campus. So that's nice, I suppose. Lots of opportunities to meet cool people, at least."
"I guess, yeah. It doesn't matter, does it? A dorm is a dorm, right? Cramped rooms, communal bathrooms, shitty food?"
"Yeah, you're probably right. Since we're rooming together, though, should we start figuring out who's bringing what?"
"Maybe later, man. I don't know if I have it in me at the moment. Plus I have to talk to my mom. I know Percy and the twins have some old stuff that I might be inheriting, but I want to make sure before we figure it out for real."
"No problem."
They continued to eat in silence. Ron wanted to get excited about college and planning for dorm life, but he just couldn't. Not while things were so weird between him and Hermione. Especially since they'd been so close to something more.
Ugh, why do I have the worst luck in the world? Which god in whichever heaven hates me so much that they keep screwing me over like this?
As he speared another forkful of macaroni, he chanced a peek over his shoulder again, briefly spying Hermione laughing with her other group of friends before he turned back to his lunch and rubbed his eyes. He knew that Harry was watching him, trying to figure out a way to help. It's not that he didn't appreciate his friend having his back, but sometimes his support could be a little much. Sometimes a person just needed to wallow.
"And Ron, one more thing. I don't know if you knew, but I was talking to Hermione. She's going to be in the same dorm as us."
"Oh," Ron replied. He swallowed hard as his head dropped to the floor. Why hasn't she told me? "No, I didn't know."
"Got it. Well, it was probably just because I happened to run into her after school yesterday."
"You don't have to, it's fine. That's great, we'll all be," Ron said, faking a smile, "together."
"Yeah, I thought so. Because this is just a little blip on the radar, I'm sure of it. We'll have a lot of fun hanging out together once we get to Evanston."
"Hope so. It'll be nice knowing someone, at least."
"There's the spirit!" Harry said, giving Ron a punch on the shoulder. "We'll get football tickets together, check out the campus, find the best places to eat, and then all come back home together every night. It'll be awesome!"
"I'm sure it will."
"Just promise me this. When you two figure things out, and I do mean when, promise me that you won't, like, bring her back to the room? Or at least give me a better warning than last time?"
Ron's silverware dropped onto his tray with a loud clatter as he peered back up at his friend, shrugging and throwing his hands in the air. "Are you like not even paying any fucking attention or something?"
"Oh, c'mon, I'm just kidding around."
"Honestly, Harry, I'm getting a little sick of your fucking rosy attitude. Something has changed! And I'm sure I don't need to tell you this, but it hasn't changed in the way I'd hoped it would!"
"Ron. I'm sorry. I'm just trying to lighten the mood. But I'll lay off, I promise. I just…I don't think this is going to be the big deal you think it is in the long run."
Sighing again and dropping his head into his hands, Ron replied, "I really hope you're right."
August 28, 2002, 1:35pm
"Knock knock," Ron said, peeking his head around her door frame.
"Oh, hi," Hermione replied before blowing her nose into a tissue and wiping her eyes. "Sorry, odd timing."
He slipped his hands into his pockets and snapped his head in the other direction, feeling as though he was intruding somehow. "I'm sorry, I can come back later."
"No, it's fine, come in. My parents just left…didn't think it was going to be that difficult."
It was a drizzling and dreary move-in day on campus, and each member of the trio had spent the morning unloading their stuff and unpacking in their new rooms. Harry and Ron had worked for hours with Sirius and Mr. and Mrs. Weasley to make their tiny space look just right. While Sirius took Harry out to go shopping for his books and get one last meal together, Ron's family headed into the city to have lunch with Percy, who'd been living in Chicago and working for the mayor's office for the last year. Ron had politely declined the invitation to come along. If he never again had to hear Percy brag about how his new electronic system for parking meter repairs was going to revolutionize the world of local government, it would be too soon.
One floor down, Hermione and her parents had been arranging her possessions as well. Her roommate wouldn't arrive for another couple of days, so she got the first pick of her side of the room, claiming the half with better natural light. Ron stepped into the immaculately decorated space and found it decked out with a combination of Northwestern memorabilia, her Northville pennant, and several posters reminding her to do her part to save the planet one decision at a time. As Hermione sat down on the bed, she twisted the sleeve of her shirt around her finger, her eyes glued to the floor.
Why can't I think of anything to say? She's hurting, just…I don't know, be comforting.
It was easier said than done. Their relationship had been repaired to some degree over the summer, but he still felt the need to tread carefully around her at times. The level of comfort that they once had with each other had yet to return, meaning that, just like after the Lavender Brown fiasco, they relied on small talk more than deep conversation. And unfortunately, this was a moment that demanded a deeper conversation.
"It's super weird, isn't it?" he offered.
She didn't respond, instead just looking out the window and watching the gentle pitter-patter of rain against the small rickety window.
"Is everything alright, Frizz?"
"Hmm? Oh, yes, I suppose," she answered, dabbing her eyes with another tissue. "For so long I couldn't wait to be free of them, to live my own life, but now…I've barely had a chance to miss them, but I miss them so much."
Plucking up his courage, he sat down on the bed next to her and placed a cautious arm around her. Her head immediately fell onto his collarbone, and he tried to help her relax by rubbing her shoulder. "I know…it's not what I thought it would be either. But at least we still have each other, right?"
As she pulled away from him and stood up, she nodded her head before stepping over to her desk and organizing her pens and pencils. He wasn't exactly surprised that she had left his side so quickly, but it still left him even more discouraged about the state of their friendship.
A few months ago she was practically sleeping on top of me. Now she can't even stand to be near me for more than a few seconds. God, this just keeps getting worse.
"So," he continued, "Want to take a walk with me and check out the dorm a bit? Or bring an umbrella and see what's nearby on campus?"
"Umm, maybe later. I think I'd like to just finish getting settled for now. Kind of tired."
"Okay, no problem. Anything I can help with?"
"No, I think I'll manage."
"Got it," he said, trying to conceal his frown and remain upbeat. Inside, however, it was killing him that she was shutting him out. "I guess I'll give you some space. Maybe you could come to breakfast with me and Harry tomorrow, though?"
"Sure," she replied, her expression glazed over.
Everything inside of him screamed that he should stay and comfort her. It was clear that she needed support, and who better than someone she knew and trusted to provide it. Self-doubt, however, had managed to infiltrate his mind, the kind that kept reminding him that, no matter what had happened before, she just wasn't interested anymore.
Rising from the bed, he walked towards the door, stopping along the way to give her a brief pat on the back. Just before he left the room, though, a fire lit inside of him and he spun around, determined to give it one last try.
"Frizz, I hate seeing you like this."
"I'm sorry, Ron, it's just that I'm in a really weird place."
"I know, and I'll bet I'm going to feel the same way later tonight after my parents leave, I totally get that, but are you sure you wouldn't like a friend?"
"I'll be fine."
"An amigo?"
"Ron…"
"A compadre?"
"Can you just-"
"Want me to tell you a joke? Make milk come out of my nose? Maybe trip over my shoelaces?" he said, winking at her.
A chuckle escaped her mouth and her lips began to curl up into a smile against her will. "That's a cheap shot."
"You're probably right," he said, walking back toward her with a sly grin. "But it worked, didn't it?"
A tear leaked out of her eye as she continued softly laughing, and she fell into his outstretched arms when he reached her. He enveloped her and set his chin down on top of her head, laughing along with her. It still didn't feel exactly right, but it was infinitely better than leaving her alone and crying in her dorm room.
"What a strange day."
"You can say that again."
"You okay now?" he asked, releasing her and holding onto her shoulders at arm's length.
"I will be, thanks."
"Any time. Okay, I'll let you get back to it."
"Yeah. Lots of stuff to organize."
"You have my number, right?" he said, pulling out his new Nokia flip phone. "Give me a call anytime you want to hang out."
"I will."
"And breakfast tomorrow?"
"Of course."
"After that, Harry and I were thinking about taking the El into the-"
"Let's just worry about breakfast for now," she said, turning back to her desk again and plugging the ethernet cable into her brand new Dell.
"Oh," Ron said, the expression on his face dropping. "You don't want to check out the city with us?"
"We'll see…"
"Okay," Ron said, faking a smile. "Well, we'll see then. Alright, take care, Frizz."
"I will. And I'll see you tomorrow morning. Say goodbye to your family for me, will you?"
"Course. Later."
August 28, 2002, 7:50pm
"So, this is where the best parties will be, huh?" Hermione asked as she sauntered into Ron and Harry's room.
"Uhh, no, probably not," Harry responded with a laugh.
He had just finished putting up all of the posters in their room. Barry Sanders, Tyler Durden, Dave Grohl, and Neo all stared down at Hermione from their various locations on the wall. A TV/VCR combo and Playstation 2 sat on top of one of the dressers, a microwave on the other, and each desk had a new Sony VAIO laptop hooked up to an array of speakers. Piles of clothing still lay on each of their beds, forcing Hermione to sit down on Ron's desk chair instead.
"Ron's out to dinner with his family," Harry continued. "But they should be back in a half hour or so."
"I know, he told me."
"Oh. Okay, so what can I do for you?"
"Nothing, just popping down to say hi," she replied, fiddling with the loose knob on Ron's desk drawer.
"I see. Well, it's nice to see you. How are you, you know, how are you doing today? Kind of a strange feeling, huh?"
"I know what you mean. My mind is just everywhere at the moment."
"Right."
Hermione picked up a photo off of the desk, surrounded by a simple oak frame. The picture was of her, Ron, and Harry at the senior homecoming dance. When Harry saw her smiling at the image, he walked around behind her and chuckled. "Hard to believe that was almost a year ago, isn't it?"
"Hard to believe those same three people are all here now. It feels like a different life," she replied.
Deep lines of concern etched into Harry's forehead, and he sat back down in the desk chair after swinging it around to face her.
"Not that it's any of my business," he said, "but are you two okay? I can tell that things have been a little…off for a while, and I don't mean to pry, I just don't want to make a fool out of myself because I'm out of the loop, you know?"
She set the picture back down on the desk and pulled her feet up under her body, sitting cross-legged on the chair with a quizzical expression. "No, I know. And I'm sorry, I don't mean for you to be in the middle of this or uncomfortable or anything. That's honestly part of the reason things got so complicated."
"Oh, God, I'm so sorry, I never meant-"
"No! No no no, it's not that, and it's not your fault, please don't apologize. Ron and I are both such good friends of yours that…I don't know, I think that, to an extent, neither of us wanted to risk what we all had together for," she said, gesturing ambivalently with her hand, "something else unless we were absolutely sure."
"Okay. And I appreciate that I suppose, but is that what you want? Because I'll be honest, Hermione, there have been a lot of times over the last year or so where that seemed to be exactly what you wanted. And if that's what you want, then by all means, go for it. Also, I don't think I'm revealing too much to say that Ron would be pretty on board, you know?"
"No, trust me, you're not betraying his confidence. Believe it or not, Ron's not that big of a mystery to me," she said with a melancholy smile and a chuckle.
Harry shifted in his seat, propping one leg on top of the other and folding his hands on his lap. "So then what's the problem? It can't just be me, I hope."
"No, I suspect both of us knew that you'd be fine with it if that's what we wanted. There was a time when I thought-" she stopped, shaking her head. "Well, it doesn't really matter anymore."
"I understand that was the situation then, but what about now?"
Her face screwed up in thought and she scratched her cheek and spoke slowly. "I'm not sure. It feels like a window is closing, I suppose. It's not closed yet, but it's getting harder and harder to imagine squeezing through. Ron has always been so supportive and wonderful, but, well, nothing ever happened between us. I kept waiting, thinking it would, sure that he would say something, but it just never happened. After a while, I think I started assuming that either I was misinterpreting or it wasn't meant to be and just moved on in my mind, to a degree, at least."
"Well, for what it's worth, I don't think you'd have trouble convincing Ron if you wanted to try to…how did you put it? Squeeze through that window before it closes?"
"Oh, I know," Hermione said, wrapping her arms around herself. "Part of me wants nothing more, you know? But a different and probably bigger part of me…I don't know, it just seems like an inopportune time to be taking that step."
"How do you mean?"
"Look, Harry, you'll always be one of my best friends in the world, so I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I want to meet new friends, too. So many people warned me not to let college become an extension of high school, where you keep spending time with the same people you've known your whole life just because you're afraid to move on or try new things. I'm not saying I don't want you or Ron in my life, of course that's not true. But I don't want just you and Ron in my life, if that makes sense."
"It makes complete sense, and trust me, I get it. I'm not offended."
"And I worry," she continued, her eyes welling with tears, "I worry that if Ron and I finally make that commitment, th-then I'd never know, right? I'd never know what I was missing. I'd be setting into motion a sequence of events that would end with me moving back to southeast Michigan and popping out ginger-headed babies by the time I'm twenty-five."
"They won't necessarily be ginger-headed," Harry joked, trying to lighten the mood.
Hermione gave him a quick chuckle and dried her eyes. "But you understand, right? When I was growing up, I traveled the world with my family. And I loved it. I want to have that again at some point, probably when I'm young and don't have anything tying me to one place."
A resigned look came over Harry's face as he nodded, turning to face the wall when he didn't know what to say next.
"I'm sorry. I know this puts you in a difficult position," Hermione continued. "And I promise you that I still want to spend time with both of you. Lots of time, but that can't be it for me."
"I understand, and I would never have assumed that we wouldn't make new friends. Ron might be a different story, but I totally understand," he said with a hard gulp.
"Are you furious with me?" she asked, her voice meek.
"No, not at all. In fact, I'm glad you told me all this. It explains a lot, actually. And you don't have to worry about me, Hermione. I'm your friend no matter what. Whether we're hanging out every night or once a month. I'll be happy to see you when I see you."
Harry barely had a chance to finish his sentence before he was nearly knocked off his seat by Hermione. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she steadied him and sighed. "Thank you," she whispered into his hair before letting him go and stepping back.
"Course," he offered, blood rushing into his cheeks.
"Oh, and one more thing. Could you…"
"Not tell Ron any of this?" he finished.
"Yeah," Hermione said with a snicker. "Just for now. I'm trying to figure out a way to have this conversation with him, but it should come from me."
"I agree. But just be gentle, okay?"
"I'll do my best. Ugh," she said, shaking out her arms as she moved toward the door. "Soon, I promise."
"Sounds good. Breakfast tomorrow?"
"Ron already asked. I'd love to."
"Perfect, we'll come find you around ten."
"Night, Harry, and thanks," she said, slipping around the doorframe.
"Night, Hermione."
September 16, 2012, 1:45am
I was dumbstruck. Had I heard her correctly? Did she actually just say what I think she said?
Every time I opened my mouth to try to respond, nothing came out. My mind was drawing a blank. Not that it mattered; I doubt she would've heard me. She was weeping into my shoulder, her arm wrapped around my body and clinging to my waist. The front of my t-shirt was drenched with her tears, but I refused to let her go. Even though I was a little flattered, it was breaking my heart to finally learn the depth of her existential crisis, but I wanted to be there for her more than anything.
"I mean, what now?" she cried. "I have nothing! No plan, no prospects, no skills. Who would even hire me?"
"Frizz, don't talk like that," I said, trying to get her previous comments out of my head. "You have a degree from one of the best universities in the country, one that holds a lot of weight around here. You have so many options. But please don't settle for something just to get a job. The last thing you should do is settle. You're too smart to settle."
"I'm not too smart for anything!"
"You are. I know you are, but you need to believe that you are, too," I said, my eyes stinging as I held back tears.
Dammit, Frizz, why do you have to be so stubborn!
"And for the record, just to be absolutely clear," I continued, "you never lost me."
Her breathing slowed, although she still had to speak between sobs. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…I don't know, I'm just sorry. Told you I was a mess."
"Shhh, you have nothing to be sorry for," I said, smoothing her hair.
"Of course I do!" she blubbered. "I just totally freaked you out!"
"You didn't freak me out," I said, rubbing my hand back and forth along her arm as I swiped at my eyes with my other hand. "I'm glad you're opening up, honestly. I had a suspicion, maybe, but I didn't know any of this before now. Thank you for telling me."
"You definitely shouldn't be thanking me for insight into my fucking minefield of a brain. If I were you, I'd run."
"Do I look like I'm going anywhere?"
She sat up straighter, her breath hitching and her nose nearly brushing against mine as she captured my gaze. "No, you don't."
"And I won't."
For a second, I thought she was going to lean forward and kiss me. The fire in her eyes was spellbinding, and I couldn't look away. I didn't want to, either. She cocked her eyebrow at me as lines of concentration appeared on her forehead. Her tears had dried up, and her red nose twitched as she sniffed one more time.
"Thank you," she said. "You have no idea…just, thank you. Do you realize that you're the only one who has ever supported me no matter what? Even my own family stopped talking to me for a while. I'm just starting to regain their trust now."
"I'm sure that's not true."
"It is," she said with a sigh, her head falling back onto my shoulder. "When I emailed them that I was moving back to the midwest, they didn't even respond. They just called me a few months ago for the first time in a year or so."
My chest tightened as the respect I'd had for her parents started draining away. How could a parent do that to their child? "That's horrible. I'm so sorry, Frizz."
"Losing them as a support…it really threw me. I figured if they didn't even believe in me…well, you can probably assume the rest. Let's just say my self-esteem took a hit. And there were plenty of less than savory people around to try to artificially prop it back up."
I winced as her words caused the invisible knife to twist deeper into my gut. Listening to her talk about how bad things had become was sending waves of nausea through my insides, the lasagna threatening to come back up. More than anything, I chastised myself; I should've done more, should've been able to figure out how much she had been hurting during that time. Some friend I was.
"I-I had no idea," I stuttered.
"Oh, please don't think I'm blaming you. At least you tried. You reached out more than anyone. I was the one who shut you out, not the other way around."
"Still, if I'd known, I would've jumped on a plane right away. You know that, don't you?"
"I do," she said, cracking a small smile. "Why do you think I didn't tell you?"
After a long pause, I posited a guess, hoping I was wrong. "Because you didn't want me to come?"
"Because I knew that if you did show up on my doorstep, I'd break down, give it all up, and come back with you in a heartbeat."
Again I found myself speechless. Where was all of this coming from? There had been portions of my life when I'd suspected that Hermione had feelings for me, but nothing about her recent behavior made me think that she considered me any more than a platonic friend. To hear her openly talking about how much she cares about me and how much she values my friendship was jarring, although in the best way possible.
"Well, you're here now, right?" I asked.
"Right. And now I just need to figure out what the hell to do with my life."
"It's okay. Frizz, don't give up hope. I'll help you, I promise."
"You'll help me?"
"Of course I will, anything you need," I answered, beaming at her.
"Of course you will, because you're fucking amazing."
A warmth spread over my lower body as she slid her leg over mine, a blatant reminder that she was wearing nothing but my shirt and her underwear. At the same time, her fingers crawled up my chest to my cheek, pulling my face closer to hers. I closed my eyes, savoring the feeling of her soft lips pressing against my cheek and gliding against my stubble. Before I could react, she kissed me again, this time closer to my lips.
Suddenly, my brain kicked in, dead set on protecting me from the same kind of pain that had been inflicted by multiple situations just like this in the past. It was clear that this was becoming a different thing entirely than our normal hugs and pecks on the cheek. This isn't right. This is a bad idea.
Of course, I ignored the thoughts. I was finally getting the thing I'd wanted for over a decade, and I didn't much care that the timing was quite obviously suspect. My grip on her shoulder tightened as she snuggled closer to my body, her hand now running through my hair. A soft moan escaped her lips when I placed a kiss on her forehead, and she trailed kisses of her own along my jawline to my chin before diving down my neck, leaving a pleasurable avenue of nerves in her wake.
You have to stop. She's incredibly vulnerable right now. You'll both regret it.
But I still didn't stop. My fingers tangled into her curls as she brought her head back up to my level, planting another kiss on my cheek. With my other arm, I reached over and grabbed her waist, tugging to tell her I wanted more. She responded by lifting more of her body onto me. Her leg slid further up mine, the inside of her thigh moving high enough to brush against my growing hardness. Eyes flying open, I inhaled sharply and cleared my throat as I pulled back and removed my hand from her body.
STOP THIS RIGHT NOW!
"May-Maybe we should, umm…time for sleep, huh?" I said, my eyes avoiding hers and my voice shaking with anxiety.
"Oh," she said. When I glanced back, her brow creased for a moment before she shook her head and smiled back at me. "Sure. I guess I am pretty tired."
"Right, me too. Busy day preparing for the party and all."
I slid down the headboard and remained flat on my back, happy that she didn't move over and instead laid her head back on my chest again.
"Is this okay?" she asked, her body still pressed against my side.
"Course," I replied. My whole body was warm, and I'm sure my cheeks were burning red, but I still wanted her there.
For several moments, the room was silent as I tried to process what had just happened. A girl I'd been in love with for years had just thrown herself at me, and I had said no. A few more seconds and I suspected that nothing in the world would've been able to stop me, but I still stopped. Was it just Lavender all over again? No, of course not. I shot down Lavender because I didn't care about her enough. With Hermione, if anything, I cared too much.
As my mind cleared, though, I knew I had done the right thing. I'd done enough therapy to know that people need to be in the right mindset to make major decisions, and Hermione definitely wasn't at that moment. If anything, it made me realize just how lonely she was feeling. Still, part of me was screaming and raging about how I may have forfeited a golden opportunity.
"Ron?" she squeaked, clutching my shirt in her fist.
"Yeah?"
"Are we okay?"
"Yeah, we're fine," I replied, trying to believe it myself.
"Okay, good," she said, pulling the top sheet up over her shoulder.
As her breathing slowed against my ribcage, I tried to fall asleep myself. No matter how hard I tried, though, my brain wouldn't turn off. I kept wondering what would happen next. Would she wake up tomorrow morning and just pretend it never happened? Or would history repeat itself and things would get weird again, just like back in high school? Despite the worry, I didn't second-guess my decision; I knew that a late-night hookup probably would've spelled disaster. But it may have come close enough to happening to cause a fracture in our relationship either way.
Every time I tried to close my eyes, I couldn't get her passionate expression out of my mind. It was torture, and I could only hope I wouldn't regret the way things had played out. As I finally drifted off to sleep, one thought kept playing over and over again in my mind.
What the fuck just happened?