Chapter Thirteen
"She's inside with Klink." Kinch's nod indicated Klink's office.
"Coffeepot?" Hogan panted, still slightly winded from his sprint topside.
Kinch's lips pursed and he shook his head. "Baker's working on it now. We're still deaf."
"And boy, will I feel dumb if she's here because she actually wants to be with Klink."
Kinch turned to him, disbelief clear in his expression.
Hogan jerked his head toward the barracks' door. "Lend Baker a hand. And remind me when this mess is over to put in to Headquarters for new equipment."
Without waiting for a reply, Hogan set off across the compound at a fast clip. He rushed past a startled Hilda, slowed his breathing, and flung Klink's door open.
Klink hurriedly slid off his desk, where he had been lounging in what had probably been meant to be a seductive pose. Risa was seated before the desk, looking slightly pained either from Klink's wooing or the fact that he had just landed on her foot.
"Hogan," Klink barked into Hogan's face. "this is absolutely the last time you'll burst in here uninvited!"
Hogan grunted in annoyance as Klink pushed past, stuck his head out of the office and bellowed for Schultz. Risa stopped rubbing her foot and gave Hogan a warm smile.
"It is very good to see you again, Colonel."
Hogan smiled back at her. "Fraulein Leidel, what a surprise. What brings you back to our fair Stalag?"
"The Kommandant had promised to show me about the camp, Colonel. Since I was nearby, I thought that now might be a good time."
Klink was suddenly in Hogan's face again. "This has nothing to do with you, Hogan." Leaning up on tiptoes, he bellowed over Hogan's shoulder, "SCHULTZ!"
Hogan flinched, mentally waved good-bye to the hearing in one ear.
Risa stood. "Actually, Wilhelm, I realize now that I might have chosen a bad time." She waved her hand at the wealth of paperwork scattered over Klink's desk.
"No time is a bad time for you, my dear," Klink gushed, taking her hand. "It wouldn't matter even if General Burkhalter were waiting to see me. You would always come first."
Her lashes fluttered, and she coyly looked up at him. "I am honored, Wilhelm. But I cannot possibly keep you from your duties. Stalag 13 needs your keen intelligence and guiding hand if it is to continue to run smoothly. I wouldn't want to interfere. Perhaps you could allow Colonel Hogan to show the camp to me?"
"But, he's a prisoner!"
"I'd be happy to give you the grand tour." Hogan started forward, only to be blocked again as Klink held his ground. The Kommandant's hands flexed in a throttling action.
"Hog-a-a-n-n-n . . . "
"Jawhol, Herr Kommandant?" Schultz panted, barreling into the room. Klink whirled, finding a convenient target for his frustration.
"Dumkopf!"
Risa quickly took hold of Klink's arm. "Why, Wilhelm, how sweet. I'm overwhelmed by your thoughtfulness."
Klink's head snapped toward her.
"How like you to think of everything," Risa went on in a sugary-sweet voice. "Sergeant Schultz can chaperone my tour. Your generous concern for my safety is touching. Between the Sergeant and Colonel Hogan, I'm certain to be safe as well as have contrasting perspectives of the camp." She ran her hand down the length of Klink's arm, sending him into shivers of bliss. "Klaus will be most impressed by your consideration."
A sappy grin spread across Klink's face. "Well," he sputtered weakly. "It is the least that I . . ."
She stretched to plant a delicate kiss on his cheek, rendering him mute and immobile. His glassy eyes followed her as she walked out of the room. Hogan flicked off a salute and followed. Schultz, seeing Klink's dumbstruck expression, didn't wait to be dismissed. With his own salute and a shake of his head, he followed Hogan and Risa outside, leaving Klink to his lovesick dreams.
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
"Get out of the way!"
"Move over!"
"Hey! I was here first!"
"I used to walk with that foot!"
"Where is she?"
"Do you see her? Have they come out of Klink's office yet?"
The bunk over the tunnel entrance shot up with a bang and Klaus and Hermann climbed over the frame and into the room. From the midst of the crush of bodies at the door, LeBeau noticed their arrival, and yelped in alarm. Thinking that he, too, was battling for a glimpse of the lovely Risa, the other men kept jockeying for position.
Klaus and Hermann kept coming, moving warily, their eyes tracing over everyone and everything. LeBeau braced his feet and jammed his elbows into the bodies on either side of him.
"OW! LOUIS!" O'Malley complained, rubbing at his ribs.
"Watch it, LeBeau!" Olsen shouted, shoving LeBeau in anger.
LeBeau reached up with both hands, grabbed their jaws and turned their heads toward the room and the advancing Germans.
"HEY!" Olsen and O'Malley yelled in perfect unison. "You're not supposed to be up here!"
The combined strength of their voices carried much better than LeBeau's over the cacophony. Heads turned. Eyes bulged. The door was abandoned in a rush. Utter chaos broke out as Klaus and Herman were swallowed in a tangled mass of men.
The door to Hogan's quarters flew open. Kinch sized up the fracas with a single glance and dove in.
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Hogan and Risa strolled away from Klink's headquarters, neither talking nor looking at each other. Schultz waddled along in their wake, loosely brandishing his gun across his belly. Every few steps, he took a small skipping step closer, until he was practically on top of them. He cocked his head to better hear their conversation, leaned as far forward as he could without losing his center of balance.
"Where are they?" Risa's voice held a hint of steel.
Hogan feigned incomprehension. "You're going to have to be more specific, Fraulein Leidel. Where are who? The prisoners?" He made a sweeping gesture, indicating the rows of barracks. "Most of them are inside right now. But as you can see -- "
"Do not presume to play games with me, Colonel. Not about this."
"I'm sorry, Fraulein, but you've lost me."
Risa's steps slowed. She smiled up at Hogan as though intrigued about his explanation of the Stalag's routines. But her eyes were hard.
"Where is my brother?"
"Haven't seen him around," Hogan shrugged.
Risa's gaze moved past Hogan to Schultz, then returned to Hogan. "I must compliment you, Colonel. You look very dashing in S.S. uniform."
Oh, boy. We're in trouble, Hogan thought.
"I wouldn't be caught dead in one of those monkey suits."
Risa's chin took on a determined jut. Hogan abruptly stopped and turned, causing Schultz to pull up short. Draping an arm about his shoulders, Hogan dragged him aside.
"Schultz, close your ears and back off. This is one discussion you don't want to hear."
Horror bloomed on Schultz's round face and he quickly moved out of Hogan's grasp. "I hear nuh-thing! Nuh-THING!" Schultz backed up a bit more just for good measure.
"That's a good boy." Tugging his jacket down, Hogan returned to Risa and offered his arm. She accepted it without hesitation and they resumed their 'tour'. She glanced up at him, her false smile still in place.
"Do not try to charm me, Colonel Hogan. I saw Klaus and Hermann leave Headquarters with you. Where are they?" Her fingers tightened on his arm. "The truth this time." Schultz, still close enough to pick up on the undercurrent of anger in her voice, glanced at them nervously and then looked around to see if anyone was approaching.
"Who's Hermann?" Hogan asked disingenuously.
"I saw them get in to the staff car with you. The Kommandant's staff car, perhaps?"
Hogan chuckled. "You'd make a good story-teller. Ever thought of becoming a teacher or maybe a librarian? With that imagination, you'd be great with kids." He held still as she reached up to touch the skin in front of his right temple, then held her finger up for him to see. To his dismay, he saw that it was tinged gray.
"You must have missed this in your haste, Colonel. Do not worry. It's gone now."
He smiled boyishly. "Hey, thanks. The fellas have been doing some painting. I must have gotten a little too close."
Risa dropped his arm. "Tell me, Colonel. How do you suppose Kommandant Klink will react when I tell him that I saw his senior P.O.W. parading around Hammelburg today, dressed in full S.S. uniform at Wehrmacht headquarters?"
Schultz let out a strangled sound of distress and nervously checked around them again.
"Now how would I ever be able to get my hands on one of those undertaker suits?" Hogan asked her in a somewhat patronizing tone.
"A man who can leave the LuftStalag when he chooses would find a way." She pursed her lips, cocked her head to the side as if considering an idea. "Perhaps Colonel Dinske would like to join me the next time I visit the Kommandant. That way, the two of you could meet again."
"It's always a pleasure to make new acquaintances." Hogan tucked his hands behind his back, smiled down at her.
"Colonel," Risa spat, with all the fury of a hissing kitten. "I have only just begun to give you an idea of the trouble I can cause. I was quite spoiled as a child and used to getting my way. If you do not take me to see my brother at this very moment, I swear to you that I'll start screaming and not stop until you do. My lungs are in very good working order. I can scream a long time."
Ignorance and charm had not put her off. Perhaps threats would. "Too much curiosity can be bad for your health, Fraulein."
Her chin lifted and she glared up at him. "The Kommandant knows that I'm here. Should anything happen to me, he will immediately blame you."
"And me!" Schultz squealed, hearing disaster in the making.
Kid sisters! Hogan complained to himself with a mental roll of his eyes. They're all alike!
The mini-volcano standing in front of him would not stand for any more playing dumb. He had no doubt that she would make good on her threat and start screaming. Klink would start roaring and tearing the camp apart, Hogan would probably find himself thrown into the cooler, Klaus and Hermann would worry about Risa instead of concentrating on the mission, which would then fall apart, Tiger would demand answers, and he would end up wishing he was stranded in Tahiti with a cool drink.
A drink or ten sounds good right now," Hogan thought wistfully.
Obviously fed up with waiting, Risa beckoned Schultz closer. "Sergeant. I would like to return to the Kommandant's office now. There is something he should know."
Schultz gulped, shot a quick look at Hogan and started forward in the tiniest of baby steps.
"Hold it, Schultz," Hogan ordered, putting out an arm to block him. Risa's green eyes narrowed.
"Colonel Hogan --"
That was definitely a scream building in her voice. "Give me a second?" Hogan asked, not wanting to push his luck.
She continued glaring at him for a few moments, then nodded.
Hogan spun to face Schultz, who flinched, but held his ground. Slipping an arm around the other man's shoulders again, Hogan gave him a little shake. "Schultz, we're friends, right?"
"Oh, yes, Colonel Hogan."
Hogan smoothed the lapels of the German uniform. "Good friends?"
"Very good. You give me chocolate bars and strudel, you help me find my rifle, you don't tell the big windbag when you catch me asleep at my post . . .What do you want?"
"Only a few minutes alone with Fraulein Leidel."
Schultz gasped, his mouth forming an 'O' of dismay and horror. "Das ist verboten! You ask too much! Absolutely not! Colonel Hogan -- !"
"Ah, come on, Schultz. I promise that we'll just be right over there," Hogan soothed, motioning toward Barracks Two. "You'll know where we are the whole time. In fact, you can stand guard outside the door so we can't leave."
"But-but-but-but --!"
"Thanks, Schultz! You're a real pal." Giving Schultz's belly a quick pat, Hogan returned to Risa's side.
Schultz watched him go, one finger pointing back and forth between them while he tried puzzling out the chain of events.
Risa's small foot was tapping out an impatient beat. Hogan smiled winningly at her. "Okay. Let's go."
"Thank you for not making me wait any longer, Colonel Hogan." She looked ahead curiously as they struck out for Barracks Two. Shultz, still slowly shaking his head from side to side, followed along in their wake.
They were only yards from the barracks door when it burst open and LeBeau tumbled out. Shouts and grunts spilled out through the doorway with him. Without looking around, he scrambled to his feet and threw himself back inside. Once Hogan had recovered from his shock, he quickly led Risa forward and stopped just outside the open door. The sight that greeted him tore a growl from his throat. Risa's hand flew to her mouth, muffling her cry of surprise.
A pile of men covered the floor just inside the door. Arms and legs flew and kicked, flailed, punched, grabbed and waved. Grunts, curses, yells and moans filled the air. The table lay on its side. One of the benches was a splintered pile of kindling. Bunks had been knocked askew and the communal laundry basket was a complete loss. One of the men wriggled free of the pile and rolled to his feet. Klaus turned and gave them both a rakish smile and wave. Hogan swore beneath his breath. Risa lunged forward into Klaus' arms, buried her face against his chest and hugged him tightly.
A loud gasp came from the doorway. Hogan glanced over his shoulder. Schultz - upon seeing a Wehrmacht officer where one should not be - looked ready to faint dead away. Hoping to avert the impending collapse, Hogan grabbed Schultz by the shoulders and shoved him back outside.
"Just a little roughhousing, Schultz. Nothing here to worry about. You just go ahead and guard the door."
Schultz's eyes slowly rolled skyward and he turned and put his back to the scene.
Hogan stepped back inside, closed the door and leaned a hand against it. Why did you think it was a good idea getting involved with those two?
A yelp of pain went up behind him and his head whipped toward the room.
"KNOCK IT OFF!!"
The pile went motionless. Angrier than he had been in long time, Hogan put his hands on his hips and glowered down at what looked like a spilled bag of man-sized pretzels.
"If Leidel's here, Nuechterlein can't be too far away."
A fist pounded on the barracks' door. Over Schultz's stammered assurances, Klink's distant bellows could be heard growing in volume.
"Get this place cleaned up!" Hogan clapped his hands together. Leidel! Nuechterlein! Get below!"
The pile flew apart, men scattering in every direction. Kinch and Hermann were last off the floor. Kinch unclenched his fists from Hermann's collar while Hermann released his double-handful of Kinch's shirt. They surged to their feet, still balefully glaring at each other.
Klaus backed out of Risa's embrace. "I'll explain later! Go home!" At her mutinous look, he repeated, "GO HOME!" then dropped a quick kiss on her forehead and grabbed Hermann. Risa gasped as they jumped through one of the bunks and disappeared.
The Frenchman from Klink's supper party materialized at her elbow, startling her into another gasp. He apologized, did a fast re-introduction and guided her to a seat at the table. As she sat down, Risa glanced back at the bunk and her mouth fell open. A man was now lying on the bunk, casually turning the pages of a book. She started to stand to go investigate when another man – this one in R.A.F. uniform - dropped onto the bench across the table from her. Smiling from ear to ear, he doffed his cap and quickly introduced himself.
The barracks door crashed open and Klink stormed inside. Hogan rushed to meet him, deliberately blocking Risa from sight to grant her a few extra seconds to pull herself together.
Schultz peeked around the doorjamb; one eye squinted shut in dread. Upon seeing the room in order and all the prisoners casually going about their business, he opened both eyes and smiled.
"HOGAN!" Klink shook both gloved fists so close to Hogan's nose he felt a draft. "What is the meaning of this?! Where is Fraulein Leidel??"
Risa waved over LeBeau's head to get Klink's attention. "There is no need to shout, Wilhelm. I'm over here."
Klink almost bowled Hogan over in his haste to get to her. He crowded up against LeBeau, shoving the Frenchman tight against the table's edge. "Are you all right, my dear?" Klink asked Risa solicitously, taking her hand. LeBeau's eyes rolled and his lips curled in disgust.
"Of course. I've been having a wonderful time. Monsieur LeBeau was just describing his recipe for the delicious veal he prepared for us the other evening. And before that, Corporal Newkirk was telling me of some of his exploits with the RAF."
LeBeau and Newkirk beamed. Klink's gaze bounced suspiciously between them.
"Really, my dear, it is most unusual for you to be here like this -- " Klink threw a dark look over his shoulder at Hogan.
"Of course. I understand your concern, Wilhelm." Risa stood and once LeBeau had slipped out of the way, she sidled closer to Klink. "But the temptation to meet and speak with these men was one I simply couldn't resist. Colonel Hogan and Sergeant Schultz tried to dissuade me, but I was very persistent. They have overseen the visit and the men have been complete gentlemen and very kind. And I have you to thank for allowing it all."
"Yes. Well -- "
"Oh, my," Risa exclaimed, pulling her hand from Klink's. She put on a show of looking at her watch. "I had no idea that it was so late!"
"May I give you a ride back to town?" Klink asked with apparent eagerness.
Risa's polite smile slipped. "That will not be necessary. I already have transportation." She moved past Klink to stand in front of Hogan. "Colonel. Thank you for the tour, short as it was. Perhaps we might finish it sometime?" One of her brows arched in deliberate meaning.
Hogan tipped his head, acknowledging her veiled warning. "I look forward to it, Fraulein."
Her green eyes darkened and her husky voice went flat. "As do I, Colonel." She stiffly nodded farewell to Hogan and extended her hand toward Klink. "Would you see me to the gate, Wilhelm?"
Klink leapt to her side. Shooting another glare at Hogan, he tucked her hand onto his arm with a proprietary air and led her from the barracks. Schultz, still looking mildly queasy, hefted his rifle to his shoulder and lumbered after them.
Hogan looked around the room. His gaze finally stopped upon Olsen, who was propped against a bunk, one hand slowly rubbing his jaw.
"Olsen, take look-out. We've had enough surprises. Kinch. LeBeau. O'Malley. You're with me."
Turning on his heel, Hogan led the way into the tunnels.
To be continued . . . sooner next time. (Glancing fearfully around at muttering plot bunnies) Promise!