-๑-๑ ஜ ๑- Chapter 39: Love is mad - -๑ ஜ ๑-๑-
Why he was mad, huh?
"You-" the blond started, an angry frown decorating his expression, caused by the reason he had come up with for Izaya's acting. He was mad, he was mad beyond means, but not because of that woman, or how Izaya told her about Seiji´s death. No.
That wasn't it.
Hesitating he found himself pausing- his brows eased a bit and his gaze softened.
"Did you plan to get shot?" Despite the gravity of Izaya´s actions and his reasoning, Shizuo knew it was only because of him.
But to his great surprise the answer he received was a shake of the flea´s head.
"Actually no. That was an error on my part," Izaya mumbled softly- and it was the truth.
If he had really wanted to end his life then he would have done so by running out at night, probably while everyone was asleep and let himself get bitten.
No, he probably would have taken the easy way out, just ran away and waited for his body to turn. There was also the option of getting a pack of sleeping pills and simply end his life by his own choice as well- but neither of these options were something that crossed his mind at the moment.
He wouldn't have chosen to die like this, not when it endangered the blond too.
"Then why did you do that?" the blond suddenly questioned, not leaving off the topic.
Izaya was still lying there, on that makeshift bed constructed by nothing but those two boxes. Eyes closed for a second he sighed softly.
"Excuse me?"
The blond frowned softly. Moving towards the raven he sad down next to him, on the edge of those boxes, his back to the flea as he continued.
"You did that on purpose. The way you told that woman about her brother," it had been obvious, the sudden uncalled change in attitude and the way Izaya's so positive attitude had suddenly changed into something so sinister- Shizuo just knew it had to have been an act. one of the many masks Izaya sometimes chose to wear- the only question left was now- "Why did you do it that way?"
The only response Izaya was willing to give seemed to be a snort though.
"I'm a mean asshole that's why," he announced with a soft shrug, not particularly easing the pain the raven still felt from having his old wound torn open and sewed shut anew.
A frown, filled with worry but also curiosity creased along the blond´s forehead as he narrowed his eyes.
"We both know that's not true."
A mean asshole wouldn't act the way Izaya did.
Wouldn't care about Shizuo having killed his brother, about his birthday, about the way he felt, about how Izaya's actions might negatively affect him- these were all things a mean asshole wouldn't do, and that was not what Izaya was. "I don't want to turn around only to see you are gone again," it was quiet, just a low whisper, partly because Shizuo didn't want to speak these words aloud and partly because he feared someone outside the tent might be listening in on them by chance if he raised his voice.
Averting his gaze the flea´s eyes narrowed just softly at the words. He had already done that to the blond, twice by now. Or rather he had attempted to. "So tell me, what's going on in that complicated brain of yours?" Shizuo finished, turning his head as he looked at the flea.
And izaya couldn't help but realize that this was not a question he could just avoid. Usually he would keep these kind of things to himself,keep the secrets, keep his reasons, but now, with the blond- their bond had deepened to a degree that the raven didn't know whether he should love or hate.
And the worst was deep down he didn't even want to be secretive anymore.
Silence occupied the space between the two for a few seconds until the raven closed his eyes with a sigh.
"... if I told her her brother just died, what do you think would have happened?" he questioned, referring to namie of course.
How she would have reacted?
"... she would have been sad?" Shizuo tried, not really all too sure what the raven was trying to point out yet.
"Sad is an underestimation," Izaya announced, "You don´t know that, but she actually loved her brother, and I don´t mean platonic love."
A disturbed expression crossed the blond´s face momentarily as he spun around to look at the raven in a way that literally just questioned whether what he had just heard was actually true. "Thought you would react that way," Izaya hummed, a little amused even- he had always loved seeing the way Shizu-chan reacted to things, "but nevermind that, she was obsessed with him. If I just told her he died she would have no reason to go on. You saw her reaction you saw how desperate she was to find Seiji," the raven continued, "If she were to just lose him I wouldn't even put it beyond her to commit suicide." He had known that woman for far too long already to know what he was saying was true.
The love she held for her dear brother was more an obsession than anything else. her whole life was revolving around him, so what would happen once that center was taken away from her? She would drift off. "But like this, she can't because she still has to put a certains assholes life out," Izaya finished with a heavy breath. Despite analysing the situation like this and despite seemingly like he didn't give a single fuck, the decision he had taken hadn't been an easy one.
Shizu-chan stayed quiet for a moment and the raven turned his head, wondering if maybe he hadn't quite understood.
"Too complicated?"
But Shizu-chan shook his head softly- the frown still neat in place- but at least he didn't seem to be angry anymore.
"...no I get what you mean, though I still don't like you had to make her want to kill you instead," he explained, and honestly, Izaya understood that feeling far too well for his own tastes by now. "I'm not stupid you know? I get where you are coming from, you pulled the same shit with me after I told you I killed my brother. But you could have still ...I don't know- everyone hates you now kinda." Shizu-chan continued, that frown on his face now presenting itself to the raven as one of concern and worry instead of anger and annoyance.
"It's not like they loved me before," he pointed out, not particularly convincing the blond of his methods though it seemed.
"You know what I mean," he sighed and Izaya couldn't help but grin softly at the reaction.
"Worried about good old me?" he questioned, and the frown on Shizu-chan´s forehead lifted.
"What if I were?" Almost teasing the blond had replied and Izaya couldn't help but smile at the way their relationship had changed.
And yet- it was just a second that he felt this feeling of being accepted, accepted for who he was, what he was doing, just as a whole being- and it was just then that reality decided to hit him straight in the face.
He liked this. He liked him to a degree he couldn't even express and yet, now, right now- his fate was already doomed.
Lowering his gaze, averting the blond´s eyes he let them travel to the floor instead as a heavy sigh fell from his lips and his brows furrowed.
"Shizu-chan, I might as well be dead soon. Or a zombie, you choose." He didn't need to look up to know that the frown on Shizu-chan´s expression had probably returned tenfold, nor did he need to hear the blond´s thoughts on the topic because he knew what he was thinking, and yet- "It's easier to deal with a zombified asshole than with a zombified friend." he had to say these things, say them as often as possible, until the blond finally realized just what a bad idea it was to continue to stay with him. "I have tried changing your mind about me exactly this way but you weren't so easy to fool after all the time we-" He wasn't really able to continued as a soft brush across his cheek caused him to pause.
It was a hand.
"Stop." Shizu-chan´s hand, cupping his face. "Your reasoning is fucked up you know that?" the blond questioned softly, and the frown Izaya had thought would be there was in fact nonexistent. "Instead of making them hate you, just in case shouldn't you enjoy the time you have left?" Shizu-chan asked- and honestly the idea sounded really tempting.
Izaya knew that was what he could do easily, what he probably would pull off if it weren't for Shizu-chan by his side. As much as the blond had changed in these past few days, the raven had also.
"Shizu-chan they didn't like me that much in the first place. It's better to be killed without regret than to know they will be feeling guilty and bad over it," he tried to explain, tried to get his point across, but somehow it was terribly hard to meet Shizu-chan´s eyes while doing so.
"... aren't you scared?"
Quiet.
The question had been asked in a fashion so carefully, as if the blond thought Izaya was going to break like a fragile sculpture of glass if he asked it too loud.
A soft shrug followed from the raven.
"I came to terms with it." That was a lie.
Of course it was.
"The hell how can you come to terms with the fact that you might-" and Shizuo paused- because he noticed how Izaya's eyes narrowed at his words just a little bit, how his posture tensed just in the slightest. Barely visible yet terribly obvious to the blond.
He hadn't come to terms with it. Not at all.
… but he was trying to act that way. Just for Shizuo.
It touched him in a way that left him impossible to just stay and keep acting like he didn't know how the flea was feeling.
Bending down his arms just sneaked around the flea almost by themselves, as if they had a life of their own, trapping the raven in a hug.
"Everything is gonna be fine," he whispered softly, his face partly hidden in the raven´s neck. He knew the flea probably wouldn't want the blond to see his face when he was already trying this hard to keep up a mask yet again. "I tell you it will, my guts tell me so," he continued, the flea´s hands grasping his shirt softly as he snorted softly.
"Your guts, huh?" He sounded amused, but Shizuo knew he was not.
"They never fail to tell me when you were near in Ikebukuro," he continued, knowing that talking about something, anything, was probably more pleasant and calming to the flea than to not talk at all- or worse, discuss the open issue at hand.
The wrist.
The actions Izaya had chosen.
The fact that he might not see the next sun rise or sun set depending on how fast the shit in his veins worked.
"Too bad this isn't the same good old Ikebukuro anymore," Izaya whispered, and the blond leaned back, just a bit, just so much he was able to look at Izaya's face.
"Maybe but you are still the same good old flea," he tried, and really, that statement did cause the raven´s lips to somewhat curl into a smile.
"Heh, the same? Really?" he repeated, his eyes filled with so much nostalgia.
Ah right-
"... maybe not quite the same," the blond mumbled and leaned forward. It was soft, just an action of affection as his lips brushed across Izaya's.
Ah.
Certainly, something had changed compared to their old days in Ikebukuro.
letting his eyes flicker to Shizu-chan´s lips and back up to his eyes as he left off the raven, Izaya hummed.
"Heh, so casual." It was a statement, a mere description of the situation.
"You dislike it?" Shizu-chan asked, and honestly no, Izaya didn't mind it.
"Not at all." in fact he loved it. But there was still one problem.
"... but don't do this where they can see."
A moment of confusion crossed the blond´s expression.
"What?" Izaya chuckled softly, leaning forward once more to capture the blond´s lips in a quick kiss.
"This. If they know what's going on between us they might not only get mad at me but at you too, and I don't want to have to worry about them trying to ditch or kill you to get back at me," Izaya explained, the thought itself already sounding unbearable to his ears. Before, when Namie had drawn that weapon and aimed at Shizu-chan it had already caused his heart to stop for a second.
"They wouldn't be able to kill me." Shizu-chan announced, and damn he was sure of himself.
Izaya knew Shizu-chan was strong, who else would know better about that than him?
And yet- at the same time he knew that Shizu-chan was not invincible, was not going to survive a headshot, was not going to survive being bitten.
"Shizu-chan," he sighed, "Give me a peace of mind okay? Just for once." It wasn't an order, nor was his wish tied to anything that would have made the blond follow his commands, but it was a wish- one Shizuo could so easily fulfill.
"Kay," and so he would, although unwillingly, "I don't like it though," he declared, tightening that hug of his once more to emphasize his point.
"Pft, want to brag or something? With me?" Izaya questioned, thinking that maybe he wanted to tell Shinra I caught the flea finally or something along those lines, or just tell his old friend about it, but no-
"Just wanna make clear you are mine."
Surprised Izaya blinked- not having seen that response coming at all.
"Oh, am I?" he questioned and honestly speaking- he had neither expected the blond to be this possessive of him, nor that he would really like the feeling of it.
"Would you rather not be?" Shizu-chan questioned, ahh and Izaya really didn't need to answer, because the response was already clear.
"Hmmm, I wonder."
No one else would he ever dare allow to call him his.
"Shizuo?" Turning their heads the two looked towards the tent, a certain brunette reappearing from outside. "We got some food, wanna join?" Wanna join huh? Shinra certainly looked as though they had already started eating anyway and he only just now remembered that the two of them were still in here. "Oh, you too Izaya," he added, looking at the flea that was still laying on those two boxes.
"Sure," Shizuo announced, getting up from the boxes as the brunette scurried over. He still needed to wrap that flea up. The wound had to be covered again after all.
It took just a minute, and the flea was already on his feet again.
Darkness, or rather, Celty´s shadows had covered the outside of the tent in the form of a huge dome that was shutting out anything that could possibly harm the small group.
It was emitting a really pleasant feeling of safety. Almost like a home would.
Pausing in his thoughts the blond stopped for a moment- the two had already stepped out of the tent, Kadota and his friends, Celty and Shinra were already sitting around a small fire, cooking some food cans and roasting food above the fire as a question crossed the blond´s mind.
Hand brushing softly over Izaya's he whispered lowly.
"Flea, what about the school?" After all this was where they had stayed until now- it was somewhat their home, they had a safe place to return to, but the flea quickly shook his head, a stern glance directed at the blond for just a second.
"No word about it. It's our emergency retreat if anything goes wrong," he quickly hissed underneath his breath, before spreading a huge smirk across his lips again. "Now what do we have here~?" he chirped, addressing the small group sitting around the fire.
As if on cue Vorona and a certain pretty pissed brunette emerged from the second tent, not too far from the raven at exactly that point in time.
Glares, sharp like daggers were shot from the blonde's eyes as she shoved her way past the raven.
And namie- hostile, pissed, angry, hurt-
"I will kill you," it was just a soft hiss, nothing Shizu-chan or the others could have possibly heard as the woman moved past the raven, not even stopping for the fraction of a second. And Izaya knew what he had brought upon himself, his lips just curling into the familiar smile he always wore as he whispered back.
"I look forward to it."
to be continued
Hey hey *0* Lol this is the third update I'm getting out this week, damn people I think I'm really going to actually stick to my schedule xD So hey let me say- I`M HAVING A GREAT RETURN HERE *0*
Which basically means I will be updating punctually and on time again like I used to a year ago xDD god this is an awesome feeling xD
Gonna get some updates out ohohoho~
Talking about the updates, the next is gonna be up by 24th november 2018~! C: Relish in the calmth my friends xD Because as peaceful as everything seems now- knowing me- it won't stay that way for too long xDDD
Guest 2: haha who doesn´t love Shinra, honestly? xDD or maybeeee it´s not that the fast zombies didn't find them, but rather that maybe they just… don't attract them? C: C: C: who knows~ xD ship ship ship *0* lol don't worry btw xD Vorona and namie are gonna grow more sympathic soon xD lolol Shinra is so blissfully unaware xDDD
Dullahan: awwww you are so sweet 3 yesu the operation went fine! better than expected now actually xD I'm 100% healthy again xD hehe and what´s more important, I'm so back to writing ohohohoho girl, three updates in four days phew I'm on fire x'DDD and this time it´s no cliffhanger haha C;
Unknown: xDD haha aw you are such a supportive little cookie, do you know that? btw I hope this update got your heart beating again x'D two months without this, huh? I guess your lifeline looked pretty flat till now x'DDDD