-๑-๑ ஜ ๑- Chapter 42: I'm sorry Shinra --๑ ஜ ๑-๑-
"A cure?" Shizu-chan asked once more as the raven slipped out of the tent.
"It's Shinra we are talking about." How many days had it been since the society as they normally knew it to be collapsed like this? A week? A month? It definitely felt like more than a year had passed with everything that had been going on.
A lump formed inside the raven´s throat as the bitter truth of what Shizu-chan had said started to hit him. "He has been working with his father on a cure before everything went downhill," Izaya continued, ignoring the feeling as he made his way across the somewhat small space.
He may have been asleep for two days, but he had memorized the size of the camp Celty was providing with her shadows- and it was definitely growing smaller.
Another aspect that gave more food for thoughts. "For him to be this optimistic he has to know something we don't," Izaya continued, knowing that what he was saying was probably true, but to be taken with a grain of salt. "I wouldn't put it beyond his father to still be alive either."
The words were flowing from his lips like there was no tomorrow. Information, logical deductions and yet it didn't make Izaya feel better one bit to ramble about what he used to be an expert on.
Because he was an idiot.
Only slowly he started to realize that he was in fact no different to everyone else here.
Shizu-chan had phrased it pretty well.
They seemed to have given up.
But if not giving up then what was it that Izaya had been doing the past few days?
Before he met Shizu-chan he was keen to survive, keen to bring everything back to normality. That is until they met them, the nightly cretature.
In the bathroom- the scene where he saw the face of that disgusting thing seconds before it crushed his chest was still burned deeply into his conscience.
Sure, he had healed from the injury, mostly. But his mind was still stuck at that exact moment.
He had become careless.
Still pursuing the goal to create an antidote sure seemed like he was eager to live and survive but who was he lying to?
He had not been.
Far too long he had wavered in this limbo of just surviving
Every decision he had taken based on it.
What about the decision of just entering that school? He had justified the deed with various speculations about it being closed and shit, but honestly? He had known even back then that it had been more than just possible for someone else just like them to hide inside it- or worse to have turned inside the building and wait there for them to be eaten.
He had taken decisions based on what was probably not even a 30% chance of survival.
If he told Shinra exactly about what they had been doing, where they had been, he would probably say they were pretty lucky.
And they were, because Izaya's survival up until now was not due to his efforts, but to that of Shizu-chan and pure luck.
Had he given up?
Right now he wasn't sure, but back then he had.
Injecting himself with what he believed might have been an antidote was just the tip of the iceberg of idiocy that he had displayed the past few days.
He felt like he was playing a game. A long term strategic one - maybe chess was a good example.
Halfway through he lost focus and concentration- his enemies moved, and it was to shere luck that Izaya moved the right pawns in order to not get checkmated.
But the fact was that he lost most of his pawns and the game was in a mode where he now had to gather all his wits in order to win.
Taking a deep breath he ascertained his options, his choices at hand and his surroundings, including the possible threats within Celties walls for the first time since he came here and approached the one he had trusted since he could remember.
"Shinra." Still drooling over his beautiful soon to be wife the doctor turned to face the raven. "Any problem with your wounds? Want to sleep some more?" he grinned, imitating a syringe with his left hand.
"Indeed," the raven spoke, and all of his playful nuances or smirky features had been wiped off his face. "I do have some problems with my wounds, care to come and check them?" Izaya questioned, pointing to the small tent he had come from.
The doctor blinked, then adjusted his glasses.
Shizuo had said nothing, just being curious whether or not Shinra had really searched for an antidote just like Izaya had, but now even he noticed how quick the mood had changed.
"Sure." The doctor replied and so the two walked towards the tent.
Shizuo couldn't really pinpoint what it was that made him stay still. But something about how the raven was behaving reminded him strongly of the old days.
Back then when he was still throwing vending machines at nasty fleas that dared to walk into Ikebukuro that is.
Izaya had noticed of course, but didn't say anything as the blond stayed behind.
Shinra walked inside the tent and the curtain was closed.
Leaning against one of what seemed to be boxes filled with supplies he watched the brunette take a seat on the bed Izaya had been sleeping on.
"So-" Shinra started slowly, "Came back to your good old self?" the man questioned, and Izaya couldn't help but smile at the fact that Shinra was still noticing the slightest of changes.
"Yeah, you could say so."
The doctor hummed, misschief glittering in his eyes.
"Shizuo and you, am I allowed to ask what's really going on?"
"All your guesses are correct if you really need confirmation," the raven shrugged, not really willing to delve any deeper into that topic.
Shinra and him might have been friends forever but dulging into their love affairs was never something they did to begin with.
And Shinra´s face immediately changed from the goody-two shoes to a more serious one as he dropped the fairly needless topic.
"So from my point of perspective a few things didn't add up when you entered our camp," he started slowly, "One, Shizuo being with you of course and you being alive nonetheless." He rose his hand while talking, counting his points with his fingers. "Two. The fact that you seemed to not care about losing your life in front of Namie." Izaya had to frown shortly at that, knowing that he had to explain more than he had actually wanted to in front of the doctor. " And three. You cried. I suspect mere minutes before you met with our group. No one except me should have noticed that, but it was more than imminent that something had really thrown you out of your mind." A moment of silence followed as the two asserted each other's reaction.
Izaya had expected his life long friend to be perceptive, but not that perceptive to be fair.
"I take it you have come up with some theories regarding these odds?" he questioned, wanting to know how much the brunette had already deducted on his own.
"Well the first was easy, especially since witnessing your first passionate meeting- and to say I'm glad you are finally not trying to kill each other anymore would be an understatement," Shinra started,"The others I couldn´t really pinpoint to be honest," then he paused. "...you aren't the type of man to waste away- if anything and you saw no future you would probably rather choose to end yourself then to waste away until your sanity fades."
Certainly.
Shinra was not wrong with what he was saying.
"... And yet you seemed as though you were welcoming death with open arms."
Sometimes Izaya wondered whether he had just become too easy to read or whether the doctor was getting sharper the longer he knew him.
He had still to decide whether he liked that trait about his old friend or not.
"Sorry about that," he replied with a sigh, not quite sure how he was even supposed to start and explain.
After everything that had happened things would be easier if he could just show Shinra instead of tell.
"So?" the old friend started again, "What happened since this virus broke loose?"
The raven shrugged. Not quite sure where to start.
"I guess telling everything in detail would take longer than reestablishing society in the current state of the city, but I can sum it up for you-" he took a deep breath, knowing that what he was going to tell his friend now was neither what he expected nor anything he wanted to hear.
"I wanted to die."
Silence.
Izaya didn't really know what he was expecting, or what he should, as Shinra just stood still, his face unreadable. "Or rather, I was fine with the option being in my set of depository choices," Izaya continued, for the first time feeling a bit uncomfortable talking to Shinra.
He had always been there for him. Patched him up after his fights with Shizu-chan, cleaned up his mess sometimes when Izaya messed with the Yakuza again, hell he even had that shitty job because of Izaya.
And on top of it he was his friend.
Of all the things Shinra would forgive Izaya sometimes wondered what it would take to go too far.
Adjusting his glasses the brunette sat down on one of the boxes. A frown crossed his forehead, something the raven had barely ever seen before. It almost looked as though he was angry.
"Any reason why?" he questioned and the raven couldn't help but feel the heat crawl to his guts. Not because of what he told the brunette, but because of what he hadn't.
The dot on his arm where he put the needle was burning with regret.
"I was searching for an antidote. Long before I met Shizu-chan by chance," he continued, knowing he had to get this out now.
"That made you discard your goal?"
"No. Fact is I saw things, Namie´s brother for example, going completely batshit, a girl dressed in pink being torn apart while laughing- then screaming. And the worst, one of those nightly creatures and the scenes from that night haunts me until today…" he faded out. The memory so old yet still so fresh inside his mind. He had witnessed a lot of things in his life, death, misery, psychos and people that liked to torture others in the most horrible way.
Hell he had been victim to torture in his life a few times already as well, and yet that night had implemented an amount of fear inside his body he couldn't fend off.
"I hate to say it, but whereas Shizu-chan is the brute with the brainless strength and I am the witty and smart one- it has actually been him that took the smarter choices in most cases. Whereas I, without my wit, was left with nothing."
Big words.
Trying to evade the main topic.
He knew it and Shinra knew it too.
The way he was sitting there, tense, he knew Izaya had yet to tell the worst.
Not delaying it any further Izaya lifted his arm, presenting the tiny dot that had probably sealed his fate.
"I made the foolish decision to become a guinea pig."
A short flash of confusion overrode the doctor's expression before the meaning of what Izaya had said doomed on the man.
"... you mean-"
The raven nodded shortly, not quite mustering the words to simply say, yes.
Yes, Shinra, I injected myself with a substance that might turn me into one of those nightly creatures and would make you probably have to kill me.
"I created an antidote. Or rather what I believed it to be, and injected it myself."
Izaya didn't want to imagine what he was doing to his friend telling him that. After all his father had been one of the first to die from this pandemic, the only ones left he had were Celty and him and now he was basically telling him he was losing another one.
"Why?" the doctor questioned slowly, hands folded as though he was trying to keep his calmth.
"You know what's ironic? I did it for Shizu-chan," izaya replied honestly, because it was all but what the doctor deserved, "I was at the end of my wits hours before we met up with you guys. I thought everything was futile, we hadn't met anyone even remotely sane, we were barely surviving ourselves, discovered more and more facts about this new world and these shitty creatures-" he paused, the reality of their surroundings crashing down on him once more. "And to be fair I saw a timer floating above both our heads. I realized there is a limit to how long humans can survive in this kind of environment, and to be honest for the first time in my life maybe, I panicked." The grip Izaya had on his hands tightened. "I lost control. And you know how much I love my control."
Izaya was torn between feeling guilty and relieved.
He had talked to Shizu-chan about everything. Everything but the demise he was in from time to time. Because Shizu-chan was strong, but never had been in that sense.
Bringing up that life right now was going to be useless anyway would have probably ended in them both giving up what they were doing.
Hell Izaya wasn't even sure how long the blond could have dealt with this situation if they hadn't ran into each other.
"Oh yeah, I do," Shinra replied slowly, a soft smile on his lips despite the seriousness of their conversation.
Or maybe exactly because of that.
"So the antidote-?"
Izaya shrugged.
"Either I just killed the virus and injected basically nothing but dead cells into my arm, or I actually created an antidote," Izaya had somewhat come to terms with the fact that he was a walking time bomb. Especially now that Shizu-chan knew about it and Shinra as well.
Shinra would make sure Shizu-chan didn't turn into a zombie. And he would also prevent him from doing anything stupid once Izaya was gone.
Not that he liked to think about it, but the option of him turning into a zombie and then biting or worse killing Shizu-chan was an idea that disturbed him greatly.
Not because of the act of killing itself, but because of the degree of monstrosity it would display. More than any of the nightly creatures Izaya was afraid of becoming one himself.
Having been caught up in his own world for a moment the raven lifted his head again to meet the doctor´s glance who hadn't replied a thing until now.
"You mad?"
But Shinra shook his head.
"There is no use crying over spilled beans now is there?" Another moment followed as the two sat there in silence.
Izaya decided for once there was no need for him to fill it as he let the piece of information sink in.
"How long has it been?"
"Since I injected it?" The doctor nodded.
"The day I arrived with Shizu-chan."
to be continued~
Hello guys~!
I know this is quite an uneventful chapter xD But trust me! Things are gonna get intense soon C: C: C:
I wanted to post this on Halloween, but yah xD I'm a slow fuck xD
Now, now as mentioned in my other update on "Sinful Desire" you will be seeing updates much more often from now on!
What does this mean?
This!
UPDATES from now on - twice a month on every story C:
I will try to update as many of my stories as I can every 15th and last of a month.
So:
31st October, 15th November, 30th November, 15th of December and so on~
For today I only managed to get two updates done, but hey it´s a start xD I really want to kick this off for real now xD
Also! Big announcement, "A single touch" is now being continued! and you can read the new update right now C;
Well then, with that being said, Happy late Halloween~!
Till 15th of November~! ;3