-๑-๑ ஜ ๑- Chapter 46: Too much -๑ ஜ ๑-๑-

He had always listened to his guts. Be it in dangerous situations, be it with people, talking, telling things he should or should not. They had never failed him.

And right now they screamed.

He didn't really know why- he couldn't put a finger on it- but something had been off. About the flea.

He hadn't seemed hurt from the pieces that broke off the ceiling. But something was off.

"Are you seriously thinking of bringing mangas?" Kadota was complaining about his two friends who were very much enjoying themselves with a few light novels they had found on the ground.

"What? Shizuo-kun collected a book too, why can't we?" Karisawa complained with a whine- but Shizuo didn't really hear a lot of that as he stepped out of the store. Shinra was still busy checking on the medic section, or to be specific which ointments and tubes were still useful and which expired.

In other words, no one noticed him leave.

And that's what he wanted.

Because he had seen the flea leave.

Hurriedly- looking for a car according to his words- so why? Why were his guts screaming at him to follow?

Stepping out of the shop, Shizuo´s gaze wandered across the landscape. There was a car indeed. Not too far from them.

Remembering how easily Izaya had hotwired one, the day they decided to team up it was hard to believe that he would let this opportunity slip.

No way in hell did the flea leave to get a car.

A familiar hot feeling of panic overcame the blond as his head snapped left and right. The flea had already bailed on his once-

Was this the second time?

Was that why he slipped away quietly like that?

Did he still hold onto that stupid belief that Shizuo would be happier in this group they had found without him there?

Thoughts over thoughts swirled in his mind as he took off towards the street. He didn't even know where he was supposed to go-

And that's when he saw him.

Walking right past a wall he sat there, on the ground.

His body was shaking, the flea heaving as gasps of air left his lips in a fashion that caused goosebumps to travel down Shizuo´s spine.

Before he knew it, he was on his knees, scanning the flea from head to toe.

"Izaya?! What's wrong?!"

But the raven had no way to tell the blond what was going on- hell he had no idea himself what the hell was causing this suffocation.

"Did you get bitten-" he heard the blond speak- frantic- worried. Hah, of course he was worried, acting like this Shizu-chan had to think he was either going insane or suffering some serious injury.

Izaya wanted to answer, to at least shake or nod his head, but somehow his body just didn't act according to his wishes.

It was too much. The nausea suddenly welling up in the back of his throat didn't exactly help either as he choked on words that tried to leave his lips in between frantic breaths.

"Are you hurt?!" Shizuo was scanning the flea up and down- searching for injuries but not finding any. Horror instantly took over his mind as he remembered the last time the flea had sunken into himself like this with no visible injury.

Back then.

When that zombie cracked his ribs and Izaya almost died.

"I don't know-" And suddenly they came, the words, "It's just-" in short breaths, with no clear structure. "The head- I-" What the flea said made no proper sense.

Worse even- the more he talked the faster he started to breathe.

Everything was fine. Izaya tried to convince himself- and yet-

Everything just suddenly crashed down on him.

There wasn't enough air to breathe. His eyes were wide- yet his vision narrowed.

"Izaya-," Shizuo tried again, but the raven paid him no attention.

"Hey- Iza-" it was then that the confusion finally lifted.

Izaya was having a panic attack.

Clear like daylight that fact suddenly forced itself into the blond- and it caused two separate reactions.

For one thing- Shizuo was relieved. Way too relieved.

Because the flea wasn't injured. Nothing bad had happened to him- physically. And yet at the same time the realization broke his heart. The fact that Izaya feared those monsters in the first place had already been frightening but this?

Those bastards were breaking him- inside out.

"Hey." Shifting closer the blond tried to regain the flea´s attention. "Izaya look at me." Swallowing the fear welling up inside his chest Shizuo tried to keep his voice calm. No one would benefit from both of them losing their minds. "Look at me."

Brows furrowing the raven glanced at the blond for a brief second- he looked like a deer caught in headlights.

"Breathe." Shizuo wasn't quite sure what to do- what to say- he had never had to deal with something like this. And it seemed he wasn't much help either. Instead of slowing down the flea´s short gasps were only increasing in numbers. Panic surfaced from the back of Shizuo´s own mind.

Panic attacks were bad, right?

He was no doctor- but they couldn't be good right? Breathing this fast? Izaya looked like he was about to pass out- could people die from something like this? He had no idea-

"Izaya you are gonna pass out on me if you keep this up." The blond quickly continued, clearing the lump in the back of his throat as he got on his knees.

"Do it slowly. Look." he tried, showing the flea what he meant by mirroring his actions.

"Slowly, okay?" But the flea seemed as if he hadn't even heard the blond- he was completely out of his mind. Trapped in bad thoughts he couldn't escape from.

So much pain reflected in his eyes-

He had to snap him out of it.

And so he did what first came to mind.

He kissed the raven.

Shortly.

Quicker than anticipated the raven shoved him away with a glare settled on his forehead. Izaya's lungs were burning- his mouth dry, his head lightheaded and the brute had nothing better to do than to rob him of his ability to breathe even more.

But at least the blond succeeded in one thing.

Izaya was looking at him.

"Slowly," Shizuo repeated, inhaling deeply as if to demonstrate what he wanted the flea to do. "Izaya, breathe. Slowly. Look," Again he inhaled. "Like me."

Still glaring at the blond Izaya's eyes narrowed, but at least his gaze was still locked onto the blond. His lips. His chest. For a second he just watched it raise and fall.

Watched how the blond was executing a task so difficult to him with such ease.

"Come on, you can do it. You look like a gaping fish like that, you know," Shizuo joked and for a second he almost thought he saw the corners of Izaya's mouth turn up.

Izaya was still breathing faster than he was supposed to, but at least he didn't sped up anymore. "No really. Like a carp. Simon said you hate carps. Why do you hate them?" Shizuo continued- not even sure what the hell he was talking about.

The flea was still breathing, but focused on him. "Is it the eyes? The huge eyes? I understand- that means I can't catch us some fresh fish to eat right? You would be disgusted. Or do you want me to catch fish, Izaya?" He was rambling nonsense alright, but somehow he felt sitting here in silence was only going to drive both of them insane. "Want some ootoro?" No answer. Of course.

But something had changed. The flea was shaking, but it seemed like he was actually listening to his nonsense.

And so he continued.

"I can try to make it." He would just continue rambling until the flea had calmed down if it helped. "Of course not showing you the eyes."

Because what else was he supposed to do?

He wanted to hug the flea, wanted to tell him that everything was alright- but would that be a good idea? He had glared at him after the kiss- what if trapping him reminded him of the zombies again? What if he started to panic more?

Where was Shinra even?

Should he head back? Should he get the doctor? But that meant he had to leave Izaya here- alone.

Should he just yell for him?

Should he-

" ... ice." Snapping out of his frantic thoughts the blond looked at the flea again.

"What?" He hadn't even noticed he had stopped rambling about fish. And he hadn't noticed how Izaya's breathing slowed down.

"... sounds- nice-" the raven suddenly said, and despite the words sounding like they afforded way too much concentration from the raven, they relieved him beyond means.

"Right?" Shizuo exhaled the breath he hadn't realized he had held, "I will definitely get you some Ootoro, you just gotta tell me where to fish and what one looks like, okay?"

The flea was listening. Nodding softly even as if to agree with his words.

His breathing had calmed down a bit, not nearly as much as Shizuo would like it to, but it did.

Reaching forward the blond circled the raven´s shoulders, trying to keep him steady, drawing soothing patterns in the process.

"Are you okay, Izaya?" A soft snort followed, sounding almost like a stifled laugh.

"No more fish talk?"

"Depends. Do you need it?" the blond let his hands trail down encircling Izaya's. They were so cold.

Trembling.

Sweaty.

Almost like a fish freshly caught from the pond.

The flea gave no answer- instead he just heaved, a frown suddenly appearing on his forehead.

"Izaya-" Panic spiked instantly in Shizuo´s mind as the flea withdrew his hands from his own only to lean away. Nausea increased tenfold as the raven leant away, vomiting nothing but bile onto the ground next to him.

Fuck.

He felt like crap.

His whole body was shaking.

He could feel Shizu-chan´s hands on his body, his waist, his shoulder- the slight grip he had on him to keep him steady.

Heaving the raven turned again, the back of his head hitting the cool wall shortly as he concentrated on breathing.

Slowly this time.

"Must be gross, huh?" he managed to croak, a bitter smile decorating his expression.

"I saw worse." Ah right.

In terms of grossness Seiji had probably topped everything with his sawn off head.

"Right." The memory didn't exactly help in chasing away the nausea the raven currently felt.

Trying to chase away the picture now re-emerging from Izaya's worn mind he glanced around the corner of the building he was hiding beneath.

He could still see the group from afar.

Shinra, Karisawa, Kadota- they were quarreling about something that suspiciously looked like a torn manga.

Taking a deep breath the flea pushed himself off the ground.

"We have to go back," he suddenly announced, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. Frown growing deeper the blond pushed the raven down by his shoulders before he even had the chance to protest.

"The hell you are."

A glare followed, meeting his own gaze, but not more. Izaya wanted to argue, wanted to push the blond off and just get on with it, but he was just too exhausted at that moment to act on his urges.

"Wait here," Shizuo suddenly said, pausing briefly "Don't you dare move."

"... was that an order?…" Izaya asked bitterly, but the blond had already stormed off anyway.

He could see him. He was walking right towards Shinra. The doctor was inspecting some object he had found on the ground it seemed. But it was too far off for the raven to discern just what exactly it was.

Quick words let the blond´s lips. Shinra turned, his expression showing a couple different connotations as it morphed from happy and excited to frowning and smiling again.

The quick talk took no longer than maybe two minutes, before the blond turned around and stalked into the direction of Izaya once more.

"What did you... ?" Izaya started slowly, as always surprised by just how unpredictable the blond could be.

"They won't search for us," Shizuo merely shrugged, as if that would have answered anything.

"Are you abducting me on a date?" Izaya tried to joke but somehow it sounded empty and dull to his own ears.

Sitting down the blond pulled one of his precious birthday cigarettes out of his pocket.

"Yeah, I definitely should sometime afterwards," he mumbled between tight lips as he ignited the tip of the cancer stick.

"After what?" The blond sure took his sweet time answering as he first took a deep breath of nicotine. How the hell someone could enjoy this kind of activity was still a riddle to the raven.

Of course, the specific brand of cigarette Shizu-chan used, and their specific scent had a calming effect on the raven for some reason, but apart from that?

"Talking," Shizuo finally said, looking straight at the raven, as if to urge him to start.

A frown was the only thing that started to appear on Izaya's forehead, however.

"Talking? We could have done that in the camp," the raven snorted, obviously trying to distract from the obvious topic at hand.

"Izaya." Shizuo´s voice was quiet, but firm.

"Everything is okay!"

Again excuses.

"That's bullshit and you know it." That's all the flea was giving him recently, excuses. "As I said-"

"Izaya you just had a panic attack!"

That had been harsh. Maybe he had been a bit too harsh. But what was he supposed to do? Izaya was lying. Not specifically at the blond, but rather the flea himself.

Said raven was shaking softly. Partly because it was getting cold, partly because of what was happening inside his mind.

He felt weak.

Shizuo was right. He had a panic attack.

Pathetic.

His head was hurting and the frown growing deeper and deeper with every second that added to this conversation wasn't exactly helping.

"Usually you slap people you know, to snap them out of a panic attack. You don't kiss them."

"As if I would hit you when you can't even breathe."

Right.

A soft sigh escaped the raven´s lips.

"That's not the point- I-"

Crap.

He had to tell the blond, right?

He didn't want to because he didn't want to get his hopes up for nothing but ultimately he wasn't going to let this topic go unless he did right?

"Look," the raven sighed, swallowing tha lump that was somehow still sitting there in the back of his throat. "Shinra. He developed something, something to revert zombies to humans. It's not reliable yet but he is on it. Whatever it is I developed could be the missing piece he needs in his research. We need to work together, research together and-"

"Can you do so once you are dead?" Confused the raven paused in his rant.

"What?" What the hell was he talking about?

Dead?

Who?

Him?

How so?

Smoke was blown into the air as the blond tried to find the right words.

"Izaya I am not as smart as you, but even I can see how much this is wearing you down."

This?

Was he talking about trying to save the fucking word? Finding an antidote? Or…

"The zombies?" Funny it was the first time Izaya used that term to describe these gross creatures. But somehow the longer they spent outside with them the less he seemed to care.

And yet it wasn't what the blond was talking about.

"The group."

Confusion rolle across Izaya's face- The group?

"What?" He would have expected Shizu-chan saying something about how he should rest, how he should avoid zombies, maybe even how he should stop working on the antidote, but this?

And then the blond went even farther, driving that finishing nail into Izaya's coffin of perplexion.

"We are leaving the group."

to be continued~

Well well, now what did Shizuo mean? xD things will take a small turn now for a while haha - before the big events start xD

Happy late Halloween haha 3 xD I didn't get Sns done this time same as ast, but next update batch they will be there included xD

Now what will happen from now on? One might think, okay, most of the plot is already done and over with, but oh my people, you have no idea what´s waiting around the corner hue hue hue

C: C: C: C:

This is the calmth before the storm 3

With that being said, see you again on November 30th xD