-๑-๑ ஜ ๑- Chapter 47: Control -๑ ஜ ๑-๑-
For a second the raven was just too surprised by Shizu-chan´s all so prominent unpredictability.
"Leaving?" he repeated, "The group?" He was still not quite sure what the blond was talking about. "Without a word?" Or rather why.
A single nod was given, as if that motion would suddenly explain Shizu-chan´s weird train of thoughts.
"We can't just-"
"I already hinted to Shinra that we might not come back at all."
Wow.
This was an entirely new level of unpredictability. He had seen the blond walk over there and talk to Shinra. He thought Shizu-chan told him about his panic attack or how they needed time and how Shinra should keep the others busy for a while, but this?
What for even?
"It's not the group Shizu chan," the raven sighed.
"It is!" Harsh. The smooth tune to Shizu-chan´s voice was gone and a frown appeared on his forehead. He was angry. "You have to put on an act 24/7, think about what you say, what you do, what you act like- I can't even do something simple as ask you if everything is okay openly cuz you are afraid of them trying to kill me to get back at you." These things had bothered the blond far longer than he would have liked to admit, but it was the truth. Back when Namie wanted to shoot Izaya he couldn't even have done a thing about it. Standing close enough by chance had been more than just luck on Izaya's part.
What if the flea managed to annoy someone to the point they didn't just attempt to kill him? And all just because of his stupid acting.
"You probably just thought something along the lines of getting your act together so no one notices, right? That's exactly what pisses me off. After everything you had to go through it's almost like you are torturing yourself on purpose."
Silence filled the next few seconds as the raven took in the blond´s words.
Certainly.
He wasn't wrong.
About the fact of him having to act the whole time at least- as for the torturing part…
Izaya had never been the type to do something as petty as that, but he also couldn't blame the blond for concluding that much. He really hadn't exactly made it a point to lighten the burden of all these events.
Rubbing his temples the raven let out a deep sigh.
"... but we finally found them." After all, this had been their goal all along, no? Finding survivors. Possibly people they knew. Izaya had been searching for Shinra, all while trying to find a cure for this illness he had never forgotten that goal.
Sure, finding the cure had been more of a priority in their journey, but still.
"They won't disappear. As you said, Shinra will keep working on that cure. Celty will keep the barrier up," Shizuo continued, trying to get the flea accustomed to the idea. But Izaya looked anything but convinced by his words. "Also, we can return. I never said we have to leave for good. Just a day. Or two. A week and then we can join them again," he tried, offering at least this in return. "This shit is already everywhere, what could possibly happen in a week or two that would really matter?"
Considering the flea was usually a man of reason and logic he was behaving unexpectedly irrational.
And he knew it himself.
Hands still shaking softly he let his head thud against the cool wall behind his back. What Shizu-chan said was certainly true. He knew that. Deep down, that is.
But admitting to his own incapability was another matter entirely.
"You can view our groups as split from this second on. We won't go back today," Shizu-chan suddenly announced, and the flea frowned at the relief the words brought.
"... so instead we-"
"Go back to the library."
Back to the library.
He should feel guilty.
For splitting up with Shinra, when the man had spent the entire time searching for him. For leaving him hanging in his research when Izaya probably held something like a solution to their problem in his veins.
And yet-
He didn't.
Not a shred.
It felt good. Just good. Because at the end of the day- Shizu-chan was right.
He was nuts. These creatures, all the prior events- they had taken a toll on him whether Izaya liked to admit it or not. And now having to pretend everything was fine while having Namie out for him and having to be extra careful so they didn't figure out what was going on between him and Shizu-chan was also not exactly easy.
Guilt started to surface from the back of his mind as the ringing in his ears stopped. Felt almost like a betrayal.
Well, it wasn't like everyone would feel that way. But Kadota? Celty? She wouldn't be amused to find Shinra coming back from their trip without Shizu-chan or him. After all it had only been due to their numbers and gathered strength that she had even allowed Shinra to leave safety.
Finding out Izaya had abandoned his best friend would certainly-
"Izaya?"
It was Shizu-chan who had interrupted his train of thoughts. An emotion Izaya had gotten to know far too well by now was displayed on his face.
Worry.
"And what else do we do now?" he distracted quickly, trying to smooth over the uncomfortable string that was choking his neck.
Funny how the tables had turned. A few days ago it had been Shizu-chan who had questioned their next actions.
"Whatever you want to," the blond shrugged, as if it were the most obvious answer to be.
"And if I want to keep sitting here?" the raven joked, but the blond didn't take him up on that one.
"Then we stay here."
Izaya had hoped for the blond to get mad, maybe ask him if he was stupid even suggesting such a thing when there were potential creatures strolling around just waiting for the sun to set to gnawn their flesh off their bones.
He didn't even know why he wanted to get the blond mad.
"Nonsense, what purpose would be there in just sitting here drawing thumbs?" he tried again- but the blond didn't get angry.
"Then talk. Fill the silence."
He just took him upon his request. As if he were serious.
In control.
So much more than himself.
Maybe that's why he wanted Shizu-chan to get mad. So he lost control as well. So that Izaya could get rid of this feeling of inferiority.
Silence covered the moment as the blond shifted and sat down next to the raven.
He reached for his pant's pocket, only to halt halfway.
He was probably craving a smoke.
Days had passed and with Shizu-chan having been worried for Izaya's life most of the time he probably already smoked them all.
But despite not being able to stifle his cravings he remained calm.
There was no frown, no obvious displeasure or annoyance. Just calmth.
For any normal human being that was probably about normal, but for Shizu-chan that was an enormous improvement.
The monster had grown unbelievably perceptive and reasonable in the short time span they spent together. Well, then again it was to be expected. With the constant pressure of their life being endangered they had to learn quickly in order to not die. While Izaya hadn't drawn too much out of these past weeks, Shizu-chan seemed to have added a ton of new skills to his assets.
Mostly regarding perception and logical thinking. Combined with his very simplistic ideas of action they were set for a pretty stable mind and actions.
It was laughable.
With all the knowledge Izaya had gathered over the years so he could stay independent and on top of everyone at all times, it seemed to be Shizu-chan who had nothing of that sort done, who was cut out for this kind of scenario.
For survival. For staying sane.
More so than himself.
It wasn't that Izaya despised Shizu-chan for managing so well- it was his own lack of accomplishing the same, that deteriorated his sense of reason.
Swallowing hard, the raven tried to swallow the lump of frustration growing inside his throat.
He was weak.
Weak.
Excruciatingly so.
The sky was turning darker- clouds filling the air. It was probably going to rain soon.
"It's ridiculous," Izaya started slowly, feeling the cold air creep up his spine in more sense than one.
"What is?"
HIs head was lowered, the words somehow feeling just so heavy and… humiliating.
"I'm scared of them." The admittance of that fact seemed almost worse than the injuries he had suffered so far. "I'm scared shitless of those stupid ass creatures." He felt like he was swallowing needles. Mouth dry. Yeah. He wasn't sane.
Not with those creatures face to face. "I can't do anything about it, I just need to see them, or suspect they are there and I just-" It was scary.
Nauseating.
The fact that he wasn't in control over his own body. Of the danger that it brought. Had that head earlier been alive, what would Izaya have done? Nothing. He would have stared at it, frozen in shock. The creature would have had all the time in the world to bite him. To infect him- and finally turn him into one of those rotting walking piles of corpses.
Feeling his heartbeat accelerate to an unhealthy level the raven took a shuddering breath.
Great, just thinking about a scenario like that caused his body to react.
"You almost died from one of them. I doubt there is anything ridiculous about being afraid of them." Shizu-chan suddenly threw in, only adding to the frustration.
"It is when I hyperventilate because of a dead head!"
Loud.
The words had spilled in a manner the raven didn't quite want them to.
Almost sounded as if he were yelling at the blond for his own fucking behavior.
But Shizu-chan didn't say anything, didn't complain.
More and more guilt accumulated the longer the silence moved on.
"I hate it, you know? I hate that I can't turn this off, that I can't rationalize it to the point it becomes meaningless-" and suddenly the words just flowed, like a waterfall streaming from his lips. "I know that there is no reason to freak out like that, nor that it is useful in any way- the opposite, panicking like this it´s only more likely I would die to some creature like that because I can't think straight. But I can't do anything about it, Shizu-chan! I can´t control my own fucking mind!"
His hands were shaking- whether from anger or as a result from his previous panic attack Izaya didn't know. Rubbing his temples he tried to get rid of the emotions swirling inside his head. The anger. The fear. The feeling of loss of control.
He felt trapped.
So trapped.
Wet.
Raising his head the raven looked towards the sky.
A droplet of water had hit his nose straight on. One glance was enough to tell that it was going to pour down in minutes.
So he got up.
Albeit a bit unsteady. And Shizuo noticed.
"What are you-"
"To our hideout. We can't stay here forever after all," Izaya quickly interrupted, not up to hear more.
He already felt like he lost. Lost what? He wasn't quite sure. Just defeated.
He had no idea how to fix this.
How to fix himself.
No grand plan. No scientific backup plan from skimming through psychology books when he studied humans and their behavior.
Nothing.
The rain started pouring harder and harder by the second. They were barely down two streets from their initial location when it intensified to the point they couldn't make out their surroundings.
A bridge was their next goal as they quickly headed underneath the construct, evading most of the water.
Before the raven knew it a shirt was dropped onto his head.
Shizu-chan´s.
A glance to the side was enough for the blond to explain.
"Can't get you sick, injured and all," he merely shrugged as if it were natural that he was standing there topless and wet in freezing temperatures.
"And what about you?" Izaya questioned, half appreciating the gesture, half despising it.
"Some cold water can't get to me."
A snort followed.
Of course.
Shizu-chan was a monster after all.
It was then that the sound of metal creaking caused both their heads to snap around. Instantly Izaya's hair stood on ends.
What was that?
Or rather where did that come from?
Again.
Alarmed Izaya's eyes darted around and his body froze up.
It was still daylight. Sure it was pouring hard, but it was too bright for those nightly creatures to come out- right? Right?
Everything was drowning in grey, the streets, the buildings, the sky- and suddenly he saw them.
A car not too far from their location, and a hoard of the normal, way less dangerous creatures gathering around it. Not many. Just a couple.
The rain pouring down from the sky had accumulated and was now pouring down from the bridge right onto the engine cowling creating a rather loud noise. That was what had probably attracted the monsters.
Feeling his own stance relax Shizuo glanced at the raven. He had seen his reaction. Saw how his eyes were locked onto them.
The way he just didn't calm down.
"Let's go," he whispered slowly, as to not attract any unwanted attention.
The sooner they were home the better.
He didn't know yet how exactly he could even help the flea. But anything was better than what they had been doing so far.
And so they ran. Quickly.
The rain still poured- after some minutes they were both soaked, the shirt he handed to the flea doing close to nothing to keep him from freezing.
But the rain wasn't too bad. The noises of droplets hitting the streets, the lamps, the rubbish lying around was a more than just great distraction. They didn't meet any more zombies. No fast ones either. Nothing. They had probably all gathered in some particularly loud spots. A few steps splashing across the pavement were too quiet to disturb that. And so they ran.
For minutes.
Close to half an hour.
Coming to a halt they finally reached their destination.
Their home.
The school building and the library.
Shizuo didn't realize how far they had run from their home when he had been chasing Izaya. The fear had been all he was able to think about. Fear of losing the raven- losing, and finding him again one day. But different.
Pushing the door open they both slipped inside quickly.
He was going to find a way to help Izaya overcome his fear.
to be continued~
Wooohooo and again I managed to update xD This time I pulled off 3 updates at once, I'm getting better and better at this hahahaha
This chapter was a bit calmer now, sad even but soon things will get nice and fluffy :3 Shizu-chan wants to help Izaya after all, right?
With that being said, see you again on December the 31th xD With fluff, and spice and everything nice~