A/N:
I decided to write this songfic, because I think the song fits Kyo.
Well, sort of.
He never meant to hurt his Mumma. Poor thing.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
Warnings: Language.
Have you ever been hated or discriminated against?
I have.
Kyo swung around on his computer chair lazily. This was like a daily ritual, to him. It was his time to be alone; to think.
"Where's my snare?" He asked himself as he picked up his headphones. "There's no snare in my headphones."
He looked over at his closet. They were probably in there.
I've been protested and demonstrated against.
Picket signs for my wicked rhymes.
Look at the times.
Sick as the mind the motherfuckin' kid this behind.
These times were for him to remember all those moments. All those moments he'd been hit, yelled at, hated. Those moments he'd wondered why he'd ever been born. Was he really born just for people to hate? Just so everyone else could feel better about themselves?
All this commotion,
Emotions run deep as ocean's exploding.
Tempers flaring from parents,
Just blow 'em off and keep going.
He pushed himself from his chair and stomped over to his closet. He wondered what was in it. It'd been a long time since he'd cleaned it. He stared up at it, cat ears pricked back against his skull. He could just imagine, like in those anime's, opening the door and a heap of stuff toppling on him. Squishing him, killing him. Everyone would be happy then, wouldn't they?
Not takin' nothing from no-one,
Give 'em hell long as I'm breathin'.
Keep kickin' ass in the morning,
Taking names in the evenin'.
He remembered when he adopted the attitude that he shouldn't take anyone's crap. It'd been after that 'incident' with Kyoko. It was then, he forgot how to act normally. It was then he confronted Akito. It was then, he had decided that the only thing he cared about was beating Yuki.
"How foolish," He told himself. "I can't believe I used to think like that."
Leave 'em with the taste of the sourest vinegar in they mouth,
See they can trigger me,
But they'll never figure me out.
Tohru had taken her time with him. He was hard to understand; he knew all too well of this. He hardly knew himself. Sometimes, he wondered what was wrong with him. Was it a troubled past? Was it a troubled future? Or was it the constant reminder that he was born to be hated, lying across his shoulders like a big, wet blanket?
Look at me now,
I bet you're probably sick of me now,
Aint you Mumma?
I'm gonna make you look so,
Ridiculous now!
As Kyo stood, his thoughts stayed to his Mum. He'd never really believed anything anyone had ever said about her. About how she'd loved him. Did she really hate him that much? Was he that much of a monster to her?
"Nrrg…" Kyo gritted his teeth and rubbed him temples; this was giving him a head ache.
I'm sorry Mumma,
I never meant to hurt you.
I never meant to make you cry,
But tonight,
I'm cleanin' out my closet.
It was true; he'd never meant to hurt her. Would he really purposely hurt his own mother? Why did people always say that to him, if it wasn't true? Kyo could still remember his mother crying almost every morning. Just crying. His fingered touched the handle of the closet and he pulled it open.
He was just as normal as anyone else…. Right?
I got some skeletons in my closet,
And I don't know if no one knows it.
So before they throw me in my coffin and close it,
I'm-a expose it.
"No."
He told himself as a random assortment of things littered the ground before his feet. He scowled; he should have known. Every time Shigure asked him to clean up he just threw everything in there. He even had a photo album in there, as he had just discovered, he sat on the floor, headphones resting on his head, and skipped through it.
I'll take you back to '73,
Before I ever had a multi platinum selling CD.
There were some photo's of him as a child; a mere baby, if that.
I was a baby,
Must-a been a couple of months.
There were many pictures of him in his Mum's arms. He stared. Why was she holding him so far away from her body like that? Was he sick, at that time? His eyes skipped to the other page; there was a photo of just him, his distinctive crimson eyes staring straight at him.
Well, he smiled.
My faggot father must have had his panties up in a bunch,
'Cos he split.
I wonder if he even kissed me goodbye.
No I don't on second thought,
I just fuckin' wished he would die.
There was a photo of him and his father. His Dad didn't look too impressed with having to hold him. He wondered if there was something strangely unpleasant about him.
"Oh, right, I remember." He grimaced, his eyes turning to the beads on his wrist. "How could I forget?"
I look at Hayley,
and I couldn't picture leaving her side.
Even if I hated Kim,
I'd grit my teeth and I'd try.
Flicking over the page, there were pictures of him with Haru, Momiji and Kagura. He didn't discover Yuki until he was about ten years old. He looked at himself with curiosity. He looked so annoyed; he seemed to be annoyed to have people around him. But hadn't he always wanted to have people around him? To like him, to accept him?
"What ever happened to the good times?" Kyo asked himself, as he saw a picture of himself with Kagura on his back. He chuckled. "Gross."
To make it work with her,
At least for Hayley's sake.
I might have made some mistakes,
But I'm only human,
And I'm man enough to face them today. On the next page, there was photo's of just him and his Mum as a new born baby. He looked in the background; these photo's were taken in hospital.
"God." Kyo said to himself as he looked at the picture in horror. "Mum looks so disgusted." On closer examination, Kazuma was there too. Kyo wondered what he was doing there, until, the realization hit him fair in the head.
"The beads." He nodded in total agreement of himself.
What I did was stupid,
No doubt it was dumb.
But the smartest shit I ever did,
Was take them bullets out of that gun.
Kyo could remember a time when he'd tried to kill himself. He'd wanted to die, so he could make everyone else happy. So everyone would leave him alone. So he could be with his Mum and apologize to her for everything. He'd heard from Kazuma that water and electricity doesn't mix. So he ran a bath and threw the toaster in it.
"KYO!"
Kazuma had only just come in time. His hand was so close to that water. To that freedom.
'Cos I would-a killed 'em,
Shit, I would-a shot Kim and 'em both.
This is my life,
Welcome to the Eminem Show.
Kyo smirked at the thought. He'd been on the edge every since then, Kazuma had. Watching Kyo like a hawk to it's prey. He wouldn't let the poor kid out of his sight.
"Master," Kyo had finally said to him one afternoon. "You're acting like my Mummy."
I'm sorry Mumma,
I never meant to hurt you.
I never meant to make you cry,
But tonight,
I'm cleanin' out my closet.
Flicking some more pages, Kyo found pictures of his Mum and Dad. How long had it been since he'd seen them? In these photo's they already looked old and tired; he wondered what they looked like now. Well, his Dad anyway. He never saw his Dad. Every time he did, he would usually burst into tears.
"And crying is for losers," Kyo concluded, reminding himself of the precious fact that kept him from sooking all alone every single day of his pathetic life.
Now, I would never diss my own Mumma,
Just to get recognition.
So take another listen,
Before you think this record is dissin'.
He'd never dissed his own Mum before. He couldn't bring himself to do it; it would make himself more. Make him feel even worse. But, as much as he didn't want to, he wanted to tell her exactly how he felt. But it was too late for that, wasn't it?
But try and put yourself in my position,
Just try and envision.
Witnessing you're Mumma,
Poppin' prescription pills in the kitchen.
He'd made her so sick… so frail and ill. He hated seeing her that way. He hated seeing her in such a way, just because of him. She constantly reminded him of her love for him, how she wasn't scared and how she would never leave him. How she would always look after him and make sure he was alright.
"No. You're a lairer!" Kyo suddenly burst out, punching the wall beside him. Tears pricked the back of his eyes. "Dammit…"
He was loosing.
Bitchin' that someone's always going through her stuff,
And shits missing.
Going through public housing systems,
Victim of Munchausen's syndrome.
Whether he wanted to admit it or not, he didn't want to lose to her. He didn't want to feel anything for her anymore, because then he would feel worse. If he could help it, the only time he wanted to be reminded of his Mum was when Akito felt like pestering him with constant 'It was your fault' and 'You're a monster'.
He figured if he cried Akito would let him be.
"I don't see Akito right now, though." Kyo told himself as he wiped a tear away. He blinked the rest back and sniffed loudly. He picked the album back up and opened it again.
My whole life I was made to believe I was sick,
When I wasn't.
Yet another memory flowed into Kyo's head. The memory of always being 'sick'. It was his Mum's excuse to keep him home all the time.
"You're sick, sweetie. I'll take you to Hatori in the morning."
He was always 'sick'. Every day of his life he thought he was going to die, because his Mum said he was sick. Sick with what, she never knew. But he was sick and that was that.
Till I grew up,
And I blew up.
Makes you sick to your stomach, doesn't it,
Isn't that the reason you made that CD for me Ma?
Kyo realized that the only reason his mother had been nice to him was to try and justify the way she treated him. But that didn't work. Because, even though he was only a child, he understood. Or he remembered enough to understand now.
See,
what hurts me the most is that you won't admit you were wrong.
So keep singing your song.
Keep telling yourself you was a Mum!
"Yeah." Kyo muttered under his breath. "Thanks a lot."
But how dare you try and take,
What you didn't help me to get.
You selfish bitch,
I hope you burn in Hell for this shit!
Kyo closed the album and tossed it back into his closet. He could no longer remember what he had opened it for anyway. He ran a hand through his hair, until he bumped into something.
"Oh, right." He grinned. "My snare."
Remember when Ronnie died,
You said you wished it was me.
But guess what?
I am dead!
Dead to you as can be!
Kyo felt at peace as he sat back in his computer chair and began to swing lazily around in it again. The sun beamed in the window with unforgiving heat, which was once again spilling down across his back. He felt as is he'd let something off his chest, yet he'd barely said anything.
The mind can perform wonders.
I'm sorry Mumma.
I never meant to hurt you.
I never meant to make you cry, but tonight.
I'm cleanin' out my closet.
A/N:
Phew! 9 pages! That's the longest thing I've ever written!
I'm so proud.
It took me forever to write.
Did you like it?
Hate it?
Please tell me!