AN: wow, I'm terrible. I keep saying I'm going to get writing again, then go months without even opening the document. I will say, I have a good excuse this time. Recently welcomed baby no.2 and boy I forgot how hard it was to have a newborn. On to the update and bare with me, I will finish this story if it's the last thing I do
Meredith's alarm buzzed loudly, awaking her from the light slumber. She wanted to talk to Cristina before she left for work so she quickly hopped out of bed, not even bothering to stop as she stepped down each step to see Cristina heading for the door.
"Cristina, why are you avoiding me?" Meredith huffed, stepping in front of her before she could leave.
"Meredith, I don't have time for this," Cristina said while shaking her head and trying to move around her.
"No. You don't get to just ignore me and yell at me whenever you feel like it," Meredith quickly huffed, placing her hand at frame of the door.
"You know, I thought this would have been great. When you started your internship, I was ecstatic to finally get some ambitious competition. Instead, you have your head stuck so far up McDreamy's ass that you can see you're falling behind," she said, stepping back from Meredith.
"You don't understand Cristina! This, what we have is something you will never understand. He was the first person to show me love, some understanding even, you don't know the half of it I've been through and I'm trying here. I'm trying to please everyone, you're suppose to be my person," she breathed, trying to hold back the tears in her eyes.
"What am I suppose to do? You don't talk to me anymore, you blow me off to go hang out with your new boyfriend. You're going to therapy and I don't even know why! We are two different people than we use to be," Cristina said, shaking her head.
"I changed, I changed a long time ago. There are things you don't know about- things no one knows about. It's complicated, I went through something traumatic a long time ago and I buried it. You've never been the touchy friend, always the drink your worries away. I can't do that anymore, I am hardly sleeping at night anymore. For years it's just been me, we talked but it was never like it was growing up. We grew apart, it was hard but I accepted it. You are still my person, you will always be my person," Meredith could stop the tears flooding her eyes, she knew she would eventually have to tell her. She moved away from the door, letting Cristina pass by without another word. She was stressed, well that was much of an understatement to what she was feeling. She wiped her eyes with the edge of her sweatshirt, she needed to get ready. It was the first time she would be seeing Dr. Wyatt, she was suppose to be the best Seattle had.
As she started up the stairs, the phone began to ring. She wasn't sure if she even felt like picking it up to talk to anyone. She turned the phone over, seeing Derek's name light up the screen.
"Hello?" She said, trying to not let her voice crack to badly.
"Hey," he said, his voice far too cheerful to be up this early.
"Why are you up this early?" She asked, pacing the room. She couldn't help it, her nerves were completely shot and she was a pacer.
"I do have patients, even on your day off. What's wrong? You nervous about your appointment?" He asked, hearing the crackling in her voice.
"Yeah, yeah," she tried to reassure him.
"It's going to be great, you'll feel a lot better talking through your problems," he sounded hopeful, at least one of them had to be.
"I don't talk, I bury," she sighed.
"Listen, how about after your appointment you eat lunch with the hottest neurosurgeon on the west coast." he chuckled, she could see the smirk on his face through the phone.
"Yeah, that'll be great," she breathed, knowing he could make her feel better.
"Perfect," he smiled before they said their goodbyes. She turned and searched the closet, looking at the mound of dirty clothes piled in the hamper. She hated laundry- absolutely despised it. She knew eventually she would run out of clothes so for now, she would have to settle for an old sweater and jeans. She heard a loud crash as she slipped her sneaker on, quickly hurrying down stairs. A half-asleep George stood there with an empty mug in one hand and the coffee pot shatter on the ground.
"I think we need a new coffee pot," he muttered, standing there trying to process the events.
"Do I ask how?" She said, shaking her head at the clumsy man she had grown attached to. He was a great friend, supportive of her decisions and really just a great listener.
"48 hour shift, sleep deprivation," he muttered, grabbing a hand towel and throwing it on the ground.
"Pick up a new one on your way back home today, surgeons can't live without coffee," she said, shaking her head before leaving out the door. The coffee pot seemed like her life at the moment. She didn't know what was next, and she was scared to find out. She pulled into the opposite parking lot at the hospital, the one for patients. She gathered all the courage she had to open the car door. She breathed deeply, not even realizing she held it in for longer than normal as her steps to the hospital doors were long and slow. It was as if she was dragging her feet along behind her, trying to fight every single urge that told her to run.
It seemed as if they were waiting for her as she stepped into the office, signing her name on the sign in sheet. It was overly comfortable in there, lots of soft lighting to make the room seem like it was trying to hug her. She saw Dr. Wyatt sitting at her desk as the assistant led her to the room.
"Have a seat where ever you are comfortable," she smiled warmly, standing up and going to the chair on the opposite side of the room. She had a notebook and a pen waiting on the table for her.
"Thanks," she nervously smiled, sitting on the couch next to the chair.
"I'm assuming you've never been to therapy?" She asked lightly.
"Nope, first time," she unintentionally tapped her fingers against her knees trying to take in all the surroundings.
"We can start by telling me what made you decide to come in?" Dr Wyatt asked, pulling the glasses from the top of her head to the bridge of her nose.
"I've been having these dreams -nightmares for a while now," she said, her breathing started to get heavy just thinking about the dreams.
"Can you tell me what you see?" She asked.
"Sometimes I'm just in an empty room, no doors or windows. I hear a baby crying and loud noises all around me. Sometimes a door appears without a lock. I've seen a figure holding a baby, screaming for me to help them," she felt her organs shaking inside her as the nerves ran hot through her body.
"Can you see who it is?" She asked.
"No, just a blank face," she shook her head.
"Well, I wanna change the subject a little bit. Tell me about you, or much more your childhood," Dr Wyatt said, watching Meredith's demeanor switch.
"I didn't have a bad childhood, if that's what you think it is. I mean, my mom wasn't around and my dad abandoned me. But I had a few nanny's that were great. I did a pretty bang up job of raising myself," Meredith quickly stammered over her words.
"Do you ever wish you had a normal childhood?" Dr Wyatt asked causally.
"I did a lot when I was growing up, I mean but now it's all over. I've grown, I realized my mom did the best she could," she quickly corrected.
"Do you really believe that?"
"I do, I mean if you knew Ellis Grey, she was an extraordinary surgeon."
"Yes, but she was also your mother."
"I'm well aware Dr. Wyatt. Not everyone gets the luck of having a present parent," she quickly defended her mothers choices.
"But you wish you did?"
"Sometimes. Yes. I do wish I had a present parent but I didn't. I've learned to live with the cards I was dealt."
"Then why are you here Meredith?"
"I-" she paused. She wasn't sure, she couldn't give a definite answer.
"Exactly. You don't want to admit you're damaged Meredith. Everyone is damaged, everyone has trauma and it takes a long time to grow from it and do better."
"I do, I mean I know I'm damaged goods. One thing my mother always told me was to be extraordinary."
"What did she mean by that?" Dr Wyatt asked.
"I don't know. She always just said it," Meredith said.
"Mhm, well I think we are off to a good start. I'll see you again next Tuesday," Dr Wyatt said as she closed her notebook and stood up.
"That's it? That's all we are talking about?"
"Do you have anything else you want to add?" She asked.
"I thought you were suppose to give me answers to why I keep having these nightmares?" Meredith quickly questioned.
"You know, as a doctor you know all the answers. It's finding them that's the problem and why you're here. I'm not here to give you all the answers in life, I'm here to guide you into learning how to cope with your traumas," She replied, looking deeply at Meredith.
"I didn't sign up for this."
"Technically, you did."
"I- fine," Meredith huffed, standing up and exiting the room. It wasn't like she expected at all. She thought she would feel relieved leaving therapy but she's more confused than when she arrived. She walked through the corridors, lost in her mind as she found her way to the cafeteria. Derek was already sitting at the table, he had gotten her lunch waiting for her. A smile grew on his face when he spotted her.
"How was it?" He asked.
"Confusing. You know, it's not like I thought it would be," she answered, sitting across from him as she opened the top to her salad.
"Well, it'll get better. Has Lexie said anything about Mark recently?" Derek asked as he ate his sandwich.
"No," she murmured, her mind was to clouded to really hold any conversation with him.
"What's wrong?" He asked, noticing the spaced look on her face.
"It's just, me and Cristina got into an argument this morning and she said some hurtful things. She use to be my best friend, the person I would run to for everything. Lately she's avoided me and acted like she could care if I even existed," she admitted, the hurt in her voice crackling gave away the fact she could cry at any moment. She wasn't a person who cried, but this hurt more than she realized.
"What did she say?"
"Just that I've changed. She blames you," she sighed with her reply, obviously upset with the fact her best friend isn't being supportive of her situation.
"Mer- I mean I understand but I don't see how you've changed for the worse," he frowned lightly, looking at the hurt over her face.
"I'm fine - it's fine. She will get over it," Meredith quickly shook her head, trying to focus on the lunch sitting in front of her.
"You know she loves you, in her dark and twisty way that you two share," he tried to reassure her with a smile.
"I don't want to talk about it - how's Grace?" She asked, changing the subject.
"She's good, getting stronger every day," he nodded, watching her move her food around with her fork, not bothering to even take a bite.
"I'm sorry, I am just not feeling great. Too much talking today," she frowned at him.
"Hey, it's fine. You did a lot of talking today," he reached over, grabbing her hand and squeezing gently.
"I- I gotta just go," she held back the tears threatening to fall from her eyes. She quickly got up, taking her barely touched tray over to the trash can and leaving. She has never been a woman who cried, she hated the feeling of it. She was too flustered, searching through her bag to find her car keys when she crashed directly into someone. The files they were holding fell into the floor and scattered all over the floor.
"I'm so sorry," she leaned down, trying to help the woman pick up the files.
"Maybe you should watch where you're going," she hissed, snatching the papers from Meredith.
"Cristina-" she started, looking at her.
"No," she shook her head, walking away before letting Meredith speak. Meredith watch, deciding to follow her.
"Cristina!" She said , jogging to keep up with her.
"I'm not doing this right now Meredith," Cristina said , trying to ignore her.
"Well I am," Meredith said, grabbing on to her arm to stop her.
"I don't have time for this! I have all these files to look through for a case and I'm just not in the mood," Cristina said, jerking her arm away from Meredith.
"You can't keep avoiding me! I am going through a lot right now and you are not helping! You are suppose to be there for me," Meredith pleaded with her.
"We are grown ups now Meredith, if you wanted to talk you should of came to me. I don't play these games," she hissed.
"There aren't any games! I am trying to find happiness, I am trying here! You have no idea-"
"You're right, I have no idea because you don't talk to me! You never talked to me," Cristina cut her off from speaking.
"There's just - Cristina it was a long time ago. I never spoke about it with anyone. Anyone ever. I- it's hard just to come out and say it ok!"
"You don't need to explain yourself, I get where you stand now," Cristina scoffed, turning again to walk away from her.
"I had a baby, ok! There. I said it. I had a baby, and she died," Meredith blurted, holding her fingers close to her lips. She didn't mean to just blurt it out.
"I- what?" Cristina immediately stopped in her track, turning slowly to look at Meredith.
"It was in Europe. I didn't know, she was born early. I was 19, and dumb. I had no idea what I was doing," she said, quickly wiping the tears that fell.
"Why did you say anything? Meredith that was years ago, why couldn't you tell me?" Cristina quickly spat back.
"We barely spoke, I didn't tell anyone. It all just happened so fast, one minute I was in bed with someone who I couldn't even remember the man's name and next thing I know, I was in the hospital finding out I was nearly 6 months pregnant. You were in college, worrying about that kind of thing while I was trying to fix what my mother had broken," she finally broke, it almost felt releasing to tell someone besides Derek.
"I- you know I would have been there in a second without another thought," Cristina almost scolded.
"It's in the past now, but I'm trying to work through it and move on. And instead of being my friend, you've been an ass," Meredith tried to keep her voice down, but the rage was building inside.
"I didn't know, but it's not just about being distant, it's the thing Derek," she said, shaking her head.
"Why do you think all of this is bothering me? Cristina it was his baby. Being back in his life just brought up all this unresolved trauma and you've been cold and heartless," Meredith said, shaking her head.
"How was I suppose to know all this?" She quickly added.
"You weren't! And I was going to tell you eventually," Meredith's voice carried off.
"I'm sorry, I really am. I don't ever say that, you know that but if I had known-"
"No, you haven't treated me with an ounce of decency. It doesn't matter now, but you know and that's that," Meredith said, wiping her eyes again as she turned and walked off. It was like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders but she was still feeling it in her core. Like the wound had been opened back up and she felt so alone again.