Disclaimer: I don't own HP or any of these characters. That belongs to JKR, Scholastic Books, Warner Brothers, etc.
Chapter Thirty Eight : Sleepless Night
Practice hadn't been any near as horrendous as coming home had been. Though after he thought about it, most of it had been his fault.
After getting those tickets for Ron (and extorting a promise from him not to bet against the Arrows), Harry was left to return to Hogwarts by himself. Along the way, he kept turning and turning Malfoy's insinuations in his mind. Yes, Ron was right that Hermione wouldn't be like that. But then, there had been that time when she had stayed mad at him forever. There had also been that time when she would hardly spend any time with him, instead choosing to spend that time with Malfoy. Clearly, it had seemed, he didn't know Hermione as well as he thought. And that little voice, that always sat at the back of his head, was prodding him, reminding him that Hermione could do so much better than him, that if she went with Krum she would have more of a normal life than she would have with him.
Somehow, along the way, that voice had convinced him that too much of Malfoy's story had rang true for it to be a complete lie. It had convinced him to confront Hermione about it, to see if she really did meet with Krum and to learn if Krum really did have a pet name for Hermione. Learning that she had met with Krum, that he had called her Mione—something that he wasn't really allowed to do—and most of all, of him fixing a problem of hers—well, that last had been one too many innuendos for him to take.
Which left him in his current position. Which was feeling like the biggest prat in all of England . . . or rather, all of the world. Because after she had left the room, common sense finally took over and it hit him what Hermione must have been talking about. She hadn't been implying anything about his ability to please her when she had mentioned Krum taking care of a problem for her. She had meant that he'd been able to help her figure out something about the bloody charm that was on her.
After that had finally dawned on him, everything else fell into place. She must have spoken with Krum about the charm, and he must have said something that had led to their protracted conversation. Just what that was, he didn't know. She probably was going to tell him, but he had effectively cut that off.
Which led back to him not only being the biggest prat in the entire world, but the stupidest one to boot.
Harry sighed and go to his feet, beginning to pace back and forth in front of the couch. It was quite obvious to him now that he owed Hermione an apology. And he had to explain to her that he did trust her, he really did. It was just hard for him to believe, at times, that she would want to be with him. And it was kind of hard for him to trust anyone completely and that the most paranoid part of him surfaced when it came to someone keeping secrets from him. Not that Hermione was going to keep her meeting a secret—or rather, he wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt about that—but the whole bit about her sneaking out without telling him aroused the paranoid side of him.
He didn't think she'd take that well. She'd correctly point out that he had no right to know what she was doing every single part of the day. And he didn't want to be like that, but it was hard for him to know that she had snuck out without telling him and believe that she wasn't keeping other, darker secrets from him. Actually, he did know it—he wasn't that stupid. Unfortunately, it was incredibly difficult for his head to convince his heart of the same.
Glancing at the clock, he noticed it was already past eleven and Hermione still wasn't back. This was such a mess. He considered going out after her. He was willing to bet that she was either in the library or her office. Then again, maybe she had fled Hogwarts entirely for the safety of her parents' house. Harry winced. He hoped she hadn't done that. Not only was that putting herself in danger because of the charm, it was also making it less likely that Mr. Granger could ever not want to strangle him on sight.
Just then, the door opened. Harry whirled around and strode towards it, not wanting Hermione to sneak in behind him. Guilt struck him harder than before when he reached her. She had looked as though she had been crying.
He hated it when she cried.
"Hello," he said. "Um . . . I just—"
"I really don't feel like fighting right now," said Hermione. "So if it's all the same to you, I just want to take a nice long soak and go to bed."
"I don't want to fight either, Hermione. I wanted to say . . . that I'm sorry, I'm the world's most gigantic prat, and that I do trust you and—"
Hermione raised a hand to forestall his apology. "Harry. It's easy to say those things, but it's not so easy to believe that you trust me when you started grilling me about seeing Krum when I first got home. What sort of a witch do you think I am?" she finished, her voice becoming slightly shrill at the end.
"One who is too good for me," Harry said simply.
"If that's the case, why do you think I'd chase after another wizard while I'm still with you? That's not what a good witch would do!"
"I know. I know." Harry took a deep breath, trying to calm himself and collect his thoughts. "You said I didn't trust you. But I do. With my life, I do. But when I heard about you meeting Krum . . . all my life, people have been keeping secrets from me, Hermione. And they've never been good ones. Those secrets have always come around to bite me in the arse, and I wish I had known everything from the start. So when I heard about that . . . it's kind of hard to listen to reason then, when the worst side of you comes out, the part that's been betrayed over and over again and finds it hard to believe in anything, much less that someone could actually love you."
"Do you really doubt that I don't—"
"No!" Harry took a step forward, taking Hermione's hands in his and looking her in the eyes, willing her to believe him. "No, I never doubted that you don't care for me very much."
"Caring isn't the same as love."
"I didn't doubt that either. I never wanted to hurt you, I never wanted to make you cry." Harry looked down at his hands and was startled to see that they were shaking. "And I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I'm a bit broken, that it's hard for me to trust someone absolutely like I know I should trust you. And I'm sorry that I made you cry and I'm sorry that I made you think that I thought you hated me or whatever I made you think. And I . . I'm just really sorry, okay Hermione?" He looked up at her once again, to see that she was holding back tears.
"It's not okay, Harry. It's not okay. It hurts to think that you could ever doubt me, despite knowing me for so long and everything we've been through. I like to think that you know me better even than I know myself. But if you can sometimes thinks that—"
"Hermione. Please. Don't you ever have doubts? That little voice at the back of your head telling you that you're not that good, that you don't deserve to be loved, and that sooner or later, everyone's going to wise up to that fact?"
"I . . . I suppose that everyone has those moments when they doubt that . . . but I don't let that rule me, Harry. I don't take it out on you. I don't accuse you of trying to cheat on me or leaving me behind. I know better than that, though sometimes it's hard to believe. I never give voice to those doubts."
"But you still have them. So you can understand, kind of understand what it's like for me. I'm not trying to make excuses, Hermione, really I'm not, I know I should be better. And I'll try, really I will. But for me—"
"For you, you had been unwanted for so long that it's hard for you to ignore those doubts," said Hermione, closing her eyes. "Yeah, I guess I can understand that. It doesn't make it any easier to deal with what you said, with what you thought."
"I'm sorry." He didn't really know what else to say to her.
"I know, Harry, I know. I'm sorry too." She opened her eyes and looked solemnly at him. "But it's not okay. It's not fine for—"
"For me to act like that. No, you deserve better. I . . . I wish I could promise you that from here on out, I'll be the perfect man, never making you cry. But the best I can promise you is that I'll try."
"I don't want the perfect man. I want you. And I want you to trust me, to believe in me when I say that I've not done anything with any other wizard. No! I want you to believe in me, without me having to say anything, to believe in me no matter what someone else might say about what I've been doing. Because I'm not like that, Harry. I'm not like that at all. And it hurts to think that even for a moment, you thought I was."
"I'm sorry." He bit his lip, not wanting to break down into tears in front of her. "I know you deserve better than me, but you still chose me . . . and I hope I've not chased you away."
"I'm still here, aren't I?" She smiled up at him wanly. "I don't believe in running away. And I'm not going to start now. So long as you're willing to try and trust me more . . . I'll stay. If you and me end, it's going to be you who does the ending of us, because I'm not going to take that step."
With that, relief coursed through him, flooding him with bittersweet joy and making it impossible for him to hold back his tears. He pulled her into his embrace, burrowing his face in his hair, whispering to her how much he loved her and would never leave her.
Things weren't all right, but he was determined to make them that one
day.
Author's note: Sorry this chapter is a bit late, but I've been busy. I had wanted to get two chapters out next week, instead of just one, but that doesn't look very likley right now. Oh well. One can always hope. In the meantime, I hope you enjoyed this chapter and I'd appreciate it if you could let me know what you thought of it in a review. And I'd like to thank everyone who reviewed the last chapter: Shawn Pickett, SunFactoryGirl, chisox727, Mrs.HarryPotter12, Tiffie101, Leah6 (yes, well that's how things go at times), Tywyn, juliet's rose (thanks! And they will!), Jabba1, funvince (yes, he does, but his trust issues won't go away just like that. He'll have to work at them), justin-4902, Mergincia Phoenix, liongirrl4eva, EuphoniumGurl0 (if she's honest with herself, a part of her did because she was angry with him since she felt she always had to stay at Hogwarts so he wouldn't worry. But that's the sort of thing that is hard to own up to), HyPPerBuBBleGum143 (it's not bad--I don't think that they'll never fight after all), Haystack8190, gaps (she didn't hook up with Viktor--or maybe you're not using the same meaning that I'm thinking of? She just talked with him), LeslieGlady (it wouldn't be fun otherwise), lee74, ray1 (to be fair, many people don't know when to keep their mouths shut, men and women), xxbabysparklesxx, TheGreatFox2000, PoTtErSPaYnE, Sheilalein (doesn't it, though? Am glad that someone else likes that as well ), ExcalibursZone (good call on Hermione not dumping him ), CookiMonstr08, l-xFaTaLx-l, wyndnfyr, malu (yes, Ron would take one look at Hermione's tears and do his brotherly duty by her. Which would mean hexing Harry to hell and back, thus earning the respect and admiration of Mr.Granger forever. But it would be painful for Harry), myman-harry526, Ophelia Eternal, Gamali Howell (there's always H/Hr action, except when they're fighting, it's just been hinted at more subtly lately), Sadistic Shadow, Anonymous, Miyoko5800, aliceinwonderville (yes, Ron is fine! He was having a nice dinner when his friends started fighting. And lucky for him, they're not the types to drag him in), and Scarlett Angel (ah, I'm no good at writing D/Hr, though I can see your scenario).