Violet in the Moonlight

Disclaimer/Notes: I don't own Trigun, of course. Grr. Why am I still saying that? I've covered it (again, and again, and again) in previous chapters. I can't help it! Anyway, I'm starting to work out the plotline of this story, making sure I know the basics of the beginning, middle, and end, so it may take a little while longer for new chapters to get up. Then again...it may not. I'm hoping to make these newer ones a bit longer.

Knives...knives and blood. So much blood. So much pain.

I'm going to die...

She felt life draining out of her with each splash of the droplets hitting the floor. Scarlet pooled in the dusty cracks and crevasses, reaching out across the room, running everywhere that would carry them...running for help. But no one listened.

Vash! Vash, help!

Her inner cries were met with silence. No one came.

Anyone, someone...help!

All of her life she'd refused assistance, determined to live for herself, determined to make it. She wasn't going to fall, and she wouldn't cry. She'd be strong, just like her dad had always told her to be.

It was so funny and so sad and ironic that she had refused all the help so freely offered. She'd said over and over again that she was okay. Now, when she was calling for that offered help, there was no one to listen. She let tears run down her face. She was going to die.

People were all around her. Millie...oh, God, Millie...Go away. Please don't get hurt.

Her vision was fading slowly with her last ounce of awareness.

Vash...

He didn't come. No one came. Vision faded to staticky blackness where there was nothing but undefined shapes and colors.

She saw rage and she saw feathers, and then there was nothing.

Memories played and replayed. Each time, the despair was as fresh as it was the very first time she had felt it. The pain was just as strong. She felt soft whispers, a link to the world she'd abandoned, but she didn't want to go back. It hurt too much, back there...

Millie sucked both lips between her teeth and chewed them softly. She glanced at the small, unconscious woman in the bed next to her. The doctor had come and gone hours ago, leaving a small jar of ointment. He said it would help Meryl's wounds. Millie opened the jar of white-green slime and looked at it.

Its sharp, biting smell made her eyes water. She sighed. Poor Sempai. It would probably hurt her to have this stuff on her wounds. She remembered something her little big brother had told her a long time ago, wisdom that she supposed could apply to this situation. He'd said, "The most painful lessons are the ones you get the most out of."

Well...it had either been that or, "The bad-tasting stuff is the best for you!"

Maybe both.

Millie looked at the tiny figure in the bed next to her, hoping against all logic that her friend would move. She didn't. When she'd brought Sempai in here so many hours ago, the covers hadn't even been ruffled. Millie wondered where Meryl had been last night, but she knew. Meryl had seen Vash. It would explain a lot, especially Mr. Knives' anger.

The blond man was named Knives, Millie knew, and he was Vash's brother; Meryl had told her that much.

There was something Meryl wasn't telling her, though. Millie knew it. When they'd talked the night before, she'd felt that Meryl had wanted to say something and couldn't. That thought left Millie's head as fast as it entered, replaced with images of Mr. Vash and Knives. How could those two be brothers? Millie sighed and took Meryl's hand, squeezing it. "I'm going to make you some of that soup, okay? Remember the soup you made for Mr. Vash when he got hurt? I watched you make it. Wake up, Sempai. Please? You know, I'm very worried about you."

Meryl had woken only once since passing out when Millie had removed the knives from her shoulders. She'd seemed okay, but then she'd asked what had happened. Millie hadn't even been able to think up a gentle answer before Meryl remembered. Millie had embraced her, but Meryl had passed out. Millie was afraid that in some way, Sempai was afraid to wake up, afraid to face everything here.

The door opened from the outside, and Millie stopped, looking intensely at it and waiting.

It was Mr. Vash who poked his head in. He still looked pretty bad, but moving around looked like it was helping him, strangely enough. "How's she doing?"

Millie smiled brightly, but it faded under his questioning gaze. "I'm afraid for her, Mr. Vash. She won't wake up. She did once, but..."she had started sobbing and she'd passed out again. Millie knew Sempai would not have wanted her to tell that to anyone, especially Mr. Vash. Millie trailed off.

"Uh, insurance girl?"

Millie decided that she needed to trust someone with these fears. It would be best for Meryl, though she might at first resent it. She made Mr. Vash sit first, because he was looking a little shaky on his feet, and then she told him everything. "And...and I just think that it's been too much for her. She's been so worried about you—" Millie cut herself off.

Oh, no! Sempai would be very mad at her for saying that. "Well, she's so scared and she hasn't been sleeping much lately, and now she's hurt...I'm worried, Mr. Vash."

Vash nodded. "I'll try to help. Um...how about you go get some pudding? You deserve it after all this!" He flashed a huge grin and Millie returned it with a bit of her old enthusiasm. She walked to the door and waited there for a moment, looking at Vash as he scooted his seat closer to the small shape under the covers.

"I'll be fine. Go on."

"I was just going to ask if you wanted any pudding." She grinned and cast a knowing look at the two before walking down the hall. "I'll leave you two alone now!" Pudding sounded good. She had some of her favorite flavor in the cupboard.

Vash sat close to the bed, staring down on the woman in it and wincing every time her chest rose and fell, because he knew he was in for some serious verbal abuse when she woke up. He'd really wanted to get back to her and to Millie, but how could he have? How could he subject her to Knives?

Vash's hands clenched into fists. But she had been. He'd been asleep while Knives had...had...hurt her like this. Vash's eyes followed the lengthy rolls of gauze all over her shoulders and chest. Both arms were nearly bound to her. Any movement above the elbows would be impossible and very painful. He supposed his shoulder wounds probably matched hers. A dry smile blew across his lips, there and gone like the desert wind.

"I'm sorry I wasn't able to stop this," he whispered. Meryl looked pained and Vash lifted a wet rag from a bowl Millie had placed beside the bed. He wrung the rag out and wiped it over Meryl's face. His arms protested at the movement, but there were much more important things now.

He poked her gently. "Hey...hey, wake up. It's okay now. I'll die before I let Knives touch you. Aw, come on..." He poked her again and then awkwardly pulled away, leaning back in his seat. "Wake up already...please?"

Vash looked at her. Was Millie right? Was Meryl afraid to wake up?

There was really only one way to find out. Vash would have to ask her. He looked at her tranquil features and hated himself. He didn't like using his powers to interfere with someone's most private thoughts, but he couldn't leave her alone with those memories, either.

He closed his eyes and allowed himself to take a peek at her mind. He was drawn in immediately. He watched through Meryl's eyes, through her memories, as she sat by his bed. He heard her soft words to him, and then the memories shifted. Knives pulled her up and threw her against the wall, making sure she stayed there by pinning both shoulders to it. Vash felt the pain she had felt, saw the blood she'd bled, and he saw himself, unable to help. Nausea welled in him, and in that moment, he hated himself more than he'd ever hated anything.

Meryl must have felt his presence, because the memories became harder to access until they faded completely. Vash withdrew. 'Meryl?' He tried to maintain his connection to her, despite the fact that she seemed to be withdrawing. 'Meryl, this is Vash. Can you hear me?'

There was a long silence, but he felt her presence and her feelings, a feverish kaleidoscope of constantly changing moods. Everything was dark. A soft voice echoed from the blackness, clear in his mind. 'Help me...you—you didn't help me.'

Vash paused. 'Meryl...everything's okay now.'

'What do you mean? Go away! I don't want to talk to you right now. I don't...don't want to come back. I saw... You're not...'

Not what? Not human? Vash winced.

Meryl continued, her voice soft and toneless. 'What are you doing here? I want to be alone. I'm safe here.'

'Meryl...we're all scared for you. You can't escape this way. Believe me, I've tried, and it doesn't work. Soon enough you'll have to face up to what happened. You'll have to wake up.'

He felt himself being pushed away by the strength of Meryl's frantic will. He allowed himself to be pushed out. Should he stay, should he keep doing this?

'Get out! I don't want to wake up! Go! Oh God, go...' Vash felt Meryl's emotions. He felt pain. He felt fear—horrible, gut-wrenching terror. He felt disgust, and hatred.

He saw the memories she was forcing herself to relive. She was driving herself mad in her own mind.

Her soft cries made him wince.

'Not again...' she said. 'Please don't make me watch again...'

He forced himself back into her mind at those words. 'What? Who's making you?' he asked.

She was silent.

'Meryl, please, you have to answer so I can help!'

'Knives... It's Knives.'

Vash swore. He tried to search for another presence in here, but the only one he could sense besides Meryl's was his own. 'It's time to wake up, okay? Knives can't touch you when you're awake, okay? Please...open your eyes.'

She had drawn deeper into herself. Her voice was vague, childish. 'I can't...'

Vash shook his head. Knives... you bastard. He would have to pull Meryl out of it by himself.

He found where she was and he latched on, trying to surface again. He had never tried this before, and Meryl's will, combined with Knives' demands on her mind, was almost too strong. Every time he thought he'd nearly reached consciousness with her, he plunged back down. After another long while, he'd finally reached the top. He could feel the chair he was sitting on. If only he could take this last step...

If only.

He realized that if he did not make it this time, they might both be lost. He didn't have enough strength to fight Knives any longer. He tried one last time, using all his remaining strength. All or nothing.

Sight came back gradually. He gasped, leaning over the chair. He'd made it. But... "Meryl!"

He sat up abruptly, looking at the bed. Meryl's eyes flickered open. "Vash? You're here! What are you—? I mean...what just happened? I thought you..."

He smiled, glad that she didn't remember right now. She needed some real rest. "Um...yup! It's me. I woke up again a bit ago. Hey, you remember last night? I heard what you said. I still need to catch up on all those slaps, you know."

Meryl let out a soft sound that was supposed to be a laugh, but it sounded a bit more like a sob.

"Whoa...hey, are you okay? Does it hurt? Do you need some medicine? I'm really glad you're awake, ya know." Vash said.

He got up.

Meryl opened her mouth as if to speak, but then she closed it. In her usual collected tone, she said, "I'm fine."

Vash nodded. She wanted to be alone. "Well, I'll be going, then. Hey, hope you feel better soon. And...I'm sorry. About everything." Before she had a chance to reply to that, he left the room, closing the door behind him and leaning against it. Telepathically, he called to his brother. 'What the hell were you just doing?'

There was no reply, just a soft laugh.

'Knives!'

'Oh please, Vash. Don't get so worked up about it. I was testing you. I wanted to see what you could do.'

Vash felt anger well up in him. 'You could have killed her!'

Knives' voice was clear. 'Like I said, I was testing you. Killing her would only have brightened my mood, however.'

Vash calmed himself down, and his next words were spoken with cold honesty. 'Don't touch them, Knives! I'm not going to let you take them away from me. I'll do whatever it takes to make sure they stay safe.'

'Of course you will.'

Knives was silent after that, and Vash was left to think about what his brother meant.

He sighed and walked down the long hall. The day had been a hectic one. Twilight was already falling, the twin suns casting maroon and indigo streaked clouds across the fading sky. Golden light still tinged the edges of the clouds, but it, too, faded with the suns. The cool of the night was already beginning to show itself with a soft breeze. Vash lifted himself up onto the porch bannister and sat there in the blackest corner, thinking, allowing his mind to wander. What he had said to Knives...he had meant it.

Whatever it took...

An image of a face long lost came to his mind. Where it had been so clear for decades and decades, he couldn't recall every specific feature like he used to be able to. Rem.

Is it bad that I'm forgetting you? No; it's not that I'm forgetting you. I'll remember you forever, because no one else seems to know or care about what you did for them. I'm not forgetting your words, either. I just...I think it's time I made some choices for myself.

Vash leaned forward onto his elbows and pressed the heels of his hands to his face. Why don't I know what to do, then? Why can't I think of a compromise, a way to make sure everyone's happy? That's what Rem said to do. There must be a way. There always is, right? Right? Rem?

Vash closed his eyes. It sure was different this way. So much had happened since that time on the ship, since the quiet days they spent in the Rec Room with Rem. Because no matter how bad things got on the ship with Steve, Rem was always there to fix everything. As much bad as there was, there was more kindness. And innocence...

He'd seen so much since those times. He'd committed a sin that time would never erase, and in quiet times like this, it still hurt. Vash looked out on the bleak landscape and wondered if these people had ever had a chance at innocence. From the very first moment they awoke upon this planet, if they were not warring with themselves, they were fighting the elements for survival. If Wolfwood was here, Vash imagined he'd be on the receiving end of a lecture about thinking too much. Maybe he did. But what else was there to do than think?

Millie walked down the hall and stopped outside of the door. From the light that shone into the hall on the right of her, she could tell that the door to Sempai's room was open, and darned if she didn't see movement in the lamplight! Millie grinned and shifted the weight of the tray she balanced on her hands. "Mr. Knives?" Silence responded to her soft request. "Mr. Knives, I've made you something to eat. You really should eat, because it'll make you feel better."

"Being near you parasites has destroyed my appetite. Leave me."

"Oh, no! You really do need to eat. You need your strength." Millie pushed the door open with a foot.

Knives glared at her from the bed, his eyes holding an icy malice that made Millie shudder despite herself. Knives spoke softly and slowly, as if to a child. "Fool, do you not remember this morning?"

Millie bit her lip. "It's no good to dwell on those kind of things."

"You sound just like my brother, you know that? Is it you who have learned it from him, or have you infected my brother with this childish philosophy?"

Millie looked into the glass of orange juice settled on the tray. When she lifted her eyes, her usual smile was on her face. "Here." She placed the tray down on the little table by the door. Knives drew a breath that hissed through his teeth, impatience and anger obvious in his eyes. Millie also saw the hollows in his cheeks, though, and the way his skin was pale. He probably hadn't eaten or slept much in days. Millie didn't think he was a very nice man, but she couldn't let him starve.

Making sure the tray was steady, she turned to go.

"Wait."

Millie turned, eyes wide. "Hmm?"

"Lift your hands again."

Millie lifted both hands and stared down at them, looking for a stain or something.

"The priest's crosses. On your sleeves." Knives smiled.

Millie looked back up, her smile faltering. "Mmhmm. Those are his."

Knives' eyes went to the food and to her innocent face, and back to the crosses. "He was a killer, you know."

"I—" the tall woman shifted on her feet, hardly daring to turn. "He told me he'd done bad things."

"Did he tell you that he was a Gung-Ho Gun? How about the fact that he was going to kill Vash? Did he tell you that?"

Millie shook her head. She felt tears coming to her eyes. She swallowed and spoke with cracking cheerfulness, "Well, Mr. Vash is alive. Mr. Priest was a good man."

"Oh. You think so? What would you think if I told you that I ordered him killed? I didn't personally kill him, of course. I wouldn't stoop so low."

He smiled as silent tears rolled down her face. She turned around, unwilling to let him see her weakness. She started to leave.

Millie picked up the tray on her way out.

Knives' voice echoed through the nearly closed door. "What are you doing, spider?"

She stayed on the other side of the door, and spoke with deliberate care. "You weren't hungry, remember?"

Millie stopped outside of the door and leaned against the wall, trying to compose herself. Her hands shook. She shouldn't have done that to him. It was wrong. She got up and walked into the living room. What must have been twenty minutes passed in silent contemplation. She got up, brought the tray back in, and put in on the chair. She did not wait to hear any more. Why did Mr. Knives tell her those things? Was he trying to prove something to her, to himself?

Millie snuggled into the ragged blankets spread over the couch, and she fell into a deep sleep.

"Ah...this isn't...ow!" Meryl could not stand it anymore. She was tired of laying in the bed and wondering if the shape above her carved in ceiling slime looked more like a mountain or a thomas. If she didn't get outside and get some air, she was going to go crazy.

The weakness in her body reminded her that this was not something she could brush off. Her upper body was mummified in huge white bandages that strapped both shoulders to her chest, limiting movement in her arms. God help her if she fell. It just felt so horrible knowing that Vash's brother was in the next room at the end of the hall, and that she could not do anything if her returned.

She made it past a sleeping Millie and opened the door. Three moons were visible from the porch alone, framed over the skyline of a city of clay and sand. She sat down in the cushioned chair beside the door. The furniture was a recent acquisition, but it had been placed in the exact spot she had stood when Vash had passed her to leave and find Knives.

Meryl floated in comfortable oblivion until a soft voice woke her from her thoughts.

"Nice night, huh?"

Meryl jumped. It cost her. Pain coursed through her shoulders. "Who is it?"

Movement in a dark corner to her left drew Meryl's eyes to a dark silhouette against the navy sky. She could not see much detail, but the wacky hair immediately identified the intruder as Vash. "What are you doing out here? Are you following me?" Meryl asked irritably. The fact that her question was illogical didn't matter to her.

"Nope, I've been sitting here for a while. Just thinking." His goofy smile had an ominous look to it, since it was the only thing visible that wasn't black.

"Well...ugh. Can't a girl have some privacy?" Meryl tried to get up, but she realized her mistake. To sit down, she'd only needed to let herself fall into the seat, but to lift herself out would require the use of her arms, which were not in good working order at the moment. Suddenly the silly gunman's silhouette seemed that much more annoying. She hated being seen like this. She willed him to go away, but he didn't move.

He finally got the hint after about a minute of impatient tapping. "Well...I'll leave if you want to be alone."

Meryl looked at him, giving him one of her glares that usually made him snap to attention.

He got up and vaulted over the bannister. She heard a hiss of pain and couldn't help smiling. He still hadn't gotten used to not being able to jump around like a cat. Meryl shook her head. "Idiot," she mumbled.

Vash started walking away, but then he stopped, looking hard at her. She glanced back. "What is it?"

"Did you know that your hair looks violet in the moonlight?"

Meryl didn't know why that observation made her feel so bare. "Didn't you hear me? Go away before I run you away! Eat donuts or something."

Vash ran off.

Meryl sat there for a while. She lifted her hand gingerly to her head, and a secret smile passed her lips. Violet?

Author's Notes: Yikes! That was...that was...that was long! (points frantically at chapter) It just kind of started and wouldn't stop until I had finished it. Well...what do you think? I know that some pretty strange things happened in this chapter. Millie was unusually cruel, but she can be that way when something she feels strongly about is threatened, like in Little Arcadia. Anyway...Wow, this is my first chapter of when Vash is awake with the girls. What do you think? Reviews are like candy to me! They don't give me cavities, though... (Remembers horrible dentist experience today and clutches mouth.) Anyway...REVIEW now, spiders! I command you! And now I'm going all Knives on you guys. I'd better stop talking!