Not Like This

"Life is like an incessant series of problems; all difficult, with brutal choices, and a time limit. The worst thing you can do is to make no choice, waiting for the ideal conclusion to present itself." — Chapel the Evergreen

Disclaimer/Notes: Well, not much to say here. I don't own Trigun and I never will. (tugging at straight jacket) Never, never! Anyway, yeah. So I hope you all like this chapter. Thanks to everyone for their absolutely unmatched reviews. You guys keep me on my toes. I love you all! Anyway, this is another chapter largely in Knives' viewpoint. Like the other one, it will not be entirely in his POV, but it will center around his decision.

Millie spread her lengthy body out on the bed. They hadn't been able to get first class lodgings on this trip, due to their limited expenses and the fact that Bernardelli hadn't gotten back to them yet, but second class was much better than sleeping in the narrow cupboards of a spare room. Besides, all the passengers beside them were asleep, like any sane person would be at this ungodly hour, so it was just like they were alone.

"Sempai?"

Meryl jumped at the soft inquiry. She'd been expecting a yell of, "Stick 'em up! We want your money!"

Sandsteamers were not her preferred mode of transportation. These things went much faster than thomases and vehicles, though, and traversed the lonely parts of the desert that no other dared to cross, so they didn't have another choice if they were serious about finding Vash. She belatedly replied, "Yes, Millie?"

"Do you think—you really think we'll be able to find Mr. Vash?"

Meryl sighed. They didn't have much of a lead so far. If they found him at all, it would be pure luck.

No. Meryl didn't believe in luck. That was a concept that weak people used to explain away their horrible circumstances. There was no such thing as luck...only determination and perseverance.

"We'll find him," Meryl said with forced certainty. She nodded her head so that the charcoal bangs fell over her eyes, and she leaned back onto the lumpy pillow.

Despite Meryl's assurances, both of the insurance girls felt an odd feeling of hopelessness, a feeling not their own.

"Get some sleep, Sempai," Millie said, yawning. She shook her bed free of stray pudding cups, and closed her eyes, mumbling incomprehensibly as she drifted off to sleep.

Knives stared into his brother's wavering gaze, forcing him to maintain eye contact. He was so easy to manipulate. Vash's body trembled, and each breath taken in was a shuddering gasp. Knives didn't like playing with Vash's mind like this, but his dear little brother had to realize that this was an issue he could not remain neutral on. Someone had to die.

If Vash continued to save the humans, he condemned his own kin by allowing the humans to consume them. Alternately, if he wanted to save the Plants from being used, the humans would have to die. The Plants were the only things that kept them safe from the elements on this godforsaken ball of dirt.

"Make your choice, Vash," Knives said. "The spiders or the butterflies? You remember? You have to choose, or nature will make its own choice. It's simple logic, and I am honestly shocked that you have not even realized the obvious after a hundred years."

Vash shook his head, backing away. Fear and uncertainty showed in his eyes and the way they darted everywhere. The dull grey door blocked his escape, slamming shut behind him at Knives' telepathic order to the Plants.

Vash whispered, "I won't. I can't kill you."

"Why can't you? Why do you still listen to that stupid woman's ramblings? You remember Joey? Sometimes small sacrifices have to be made. If you're not willing to kill the spiders with me, then there's no other choice, is there? You have to kill me."

"No!"

"Then what, Vash? What will you do? You want to save both, but it's not possible. You've forsaken your sisters and your very own brother to keep that parasitic race alive, but more often than not...you only cause them pain."

Vash tried to turn away, but Knives made him keep looking. An indescribable agony lit Vash's eyes. It made Knives' stomach turn. Despite the way he acted toward Vash, he didn't enjoy seeing his brother in pain. It didn't matter, though. As long as he learned.

But what if he didn't learn?

"Why, Vash? Why do you do it? Can you even tell me?"

When Vash finally spoke his voice was small, but it held a hard tone. "Rem...she gave her life to save us...and to save them. I don't want her sacrifice to be wasted."

Knives' lips curled. "It depends on how you define 'wasted', brother. These people live without law and kill without shame. There is no government, and no one strong enough to stop them from doing horrible things. Their mere existence shames her sacrifice. They should have died before they hit this sandy planet. At least they would have gone out in the innocence of sleep. Their life on this planet is just a painful and prolonged waste, because one day, not even the Plants they rely on will be able to save them from the suns and the winds, and they'll die without having accomplished a thing. That, dear brother, is what Rem did for them. Her sacrifice does not seem so large when you look at it that way, does it?"

"Knives... Rem...what she did—"

"—Was naïve. It was suicide through another means, is all. She escaped the agony she's put these people through, and the agony that her ideals have caused you."

Vash's expression changed from caged fear to anger in a moment. He fought against Knives' hold. "You make it sound like I'm a brainwashed puppet, Knives. I realized a while ago...I'm not following a memory anymore. I made a choice to do what I do. I won't stop and I won't kill with you because I know that one day it will be possible for the people here to live on their own. One day...things will change."

Knives shook his head. "And you think that you can bring about that change? You're fooling yourself, brother!"

"I don't think I can, Knives. Not me, and not alone. I'll keep doing what I believe to be the right thing. I know a lot of people who are motivated to do the same. It might not make any sense at all to you, but it's what I believe. One day... maybe I won't even be alive then, and maybe, by then, I'll no longer care—but one day things will change, because if there's anything I've learned from knowing the people of this planet...it's that they're resilient, and they hope even when hope seems futile."

Knives stared into Vash's eyes and finally released his brother. He stepped back. They stood only inches apart, but an endless barrier spanned the space between them. It had almost always been there. Knives had just refused to acknowledge it. Now it was right in front of him, impassable, impenetrable. A cold realization settled inside him.

That barrier would never be broken. Like the suns and moons in the sky, they would always be on opposite sides, so firm were they in their beliefs. Though the suns rose in the morning and took the same path as the moons across the sky, they would never meet.

His and Vash's opinions would never alter. His brother would continue to live the same destructive life that had carved so many scars into his body.

"I'm sorry you think that way." And I'm sorry I thought I could save you. I'm sorry that I can't think of any other way to show you the pain and futility of your endeavors... "You'll never listen, will you?"

Vash looked up, his eyes flashing with a recognition much deeper than the words that had just been spoken. More than understanding what his brother meant, he understood the finality of Knives' inquiry. Vash's eyes had always been like that. Even when they were children, every emotion poured from those orbs that Rem said were blue like a shallow, shaded ocean, a magnificent aqua-green that reflected everything...just like the water, she said.

Knives had never seen an ocean.

"I listen to everything you say, Knives. I just...I don't believe it's right. I'll listen...but I won't change. I won't become what you want me to be. I think you know that."

Knives felt emotions churning inside of him. Questions flashed through his mind, but the answers were nowhere to be found. Maybe he saw no answers because he was only looking for the ones he wanted. Maybe...if he looked deeper, he'd realize that there was only one answer.

I'll save you from yourself, Knives repeated to himself, remembering his resolve when he'd stayed by his sick brother's side.

...No matter what it takes.

Vash watched. More than seeing it, he felt the certainty that coursed through Knives, the cold moment in which he made a decision he would not be able to go back on.

You'll never listen...

And he gave up hope in that moment. Vash felt it like ice in his soul, like a cold shudder. Just like a thousand people Vash had met, Knives had backed down. He'd given up. Knives didn't realize it, and would never acknowledge it, but he was so much like the humans he hated.

"What now?"Vash asked quietly.

"I won't let you continue to harm yourself and fraternize with those humans, Vash."

"Knives..."

"I gave you one chance, when we fought. I gave you another after that. It's taken me a long time to realize the truth, but I finally understand."

Vash looked around the room they were in, seeing his surroundings for the first time. The walls around him were dull grey, the lights dim and faded, nearly the same color as the walls. Countertops were stacked with papers and technology long lost to the general population of Gunsmoke. Lights flashed and chemicals rested tranquilly in jars, awaiting use. In the corner, there was something that looked like a cold sleep chamber.

"No...Knives?"

"I don't want to kill you, Vash. Brothers don't do that. But I can't—I won't let you go again. I can't change you, but maybe...maybe one day I'll find a way to start over."

Vash backed up, not daring to turn away from his advancing brother. The fingers of his prosthetic left hand scrambled for the keypad to open the door, but nothing happened.

"There is no way out."

"I won't let you do this, Knives!" Maybe there was a time when he just wanted to sleep, wanted to forget, but now...he couldn't. He couldn't leave the girls behind. Meryl...

"You'll do it or you'll die, brother."

Vash shook his head.

Knives spread his arms beside him. Vash felt the power inside of Knives, and scythe-like blades grew from his brother's arms. The bladed wings unfurled, spanning several feet in either direction, their color a whitish-silver. "Then you'll have to fight. I'll have no mercy, Vash. I won't hold back anymore."

Knives held his hands up in front of him, and independent daggers slid through his fingers. Vash did nothing.

"Damn you!" Knives released a fusillade of daggers at the door. Their makeup and the force with which they were flung made them stick into the metal of the door. Vash rolled and dove behind a counter."Fight or I'll kill you, Vash!"

In the silence, Knives listened for any reply. He heard nothing but labored breathing. Vash's black-clad hand gripped the counter, scattering glass jars as he stood.

"God, Vash!" Knives growled.

Despite the deep scarlet of Vash's coat, his blood was even darker. His shaking right hand pulled at one of Knives' blades, which had embedded itself into his side, far past the hilt. He pulled the knife out, and dark red blood dripped down the coat and spattered to the floor in huge droplets. Its soft splash was audible in the silence. He flung the knife to the side. Knives felt Vash's pain, but even stronger than that was his sorrow.

"It's not supposed to be like this," Vash whispered.

He activated his arm.

Author's Notes: Sorry for the cliffhanger, and for the fact that it took longer than usual to put this chapter up. I really had a tough time with this one, but I do believe that, after realizing thatVash would never change, Knives would rather have Vash dead or in cold sleep than alive and living with the humans he sees as parasites. Even though he drove his brother to kill, the ultimate sin in Vash's eyes, Vash got past that and promised to keep doing what he thought was right. I try to get in the characters' heads and let them go where they need to go, so... what do you think of the direction of the story? Reviews will soothe my tormented soul!