Epilogue:
Learning to Breathe / Destination
Disclaimer / Notes: I've joined the final two chapters to make this entire story into a nice, even twenty. You know the times when life runs away from you and leaves you in the dust? Well... Things have been pretty crazy with my mom (in her late forties and just found herself a new love of her life...her fifth one.) And many other things. Anyway, someone kill me so I'll stop rambling. Please forgive my lateness, but if you won't, then feel free to use the provided bats (points to wooden bats) to beat me over the head. My sincere thanks for reading. Love you all! I welcome honest criticism.
By the time the vehicle pulled to a jerky halt, Vash had leaned back against the sand and closed his eyes. It felt nice to rest like this. It was a peaceful rest, uninterrupted by memories or regrets. He couldn't remember the last time he'd felt like this.
Or perhaps he had never felt like this before. There had always been something to worry about, a decision waiting to be made.
Steve...Rem...the Fall...
July.
Always something. But now...
As his eyes slipped closed, he let his other senses thrive in the darkess. Sound; wind whispered gently across the dunes, joining the soft hum of an ancient engine, its rumble almost natural. Taste; the tangy taste of blood touched on his tongue. Smell...the smell of water in the air, all-encompassing.
He needed to sleep. In sleep, his body would begin to mend itself.
As the smells and sounds began melding together in exhaustion, a cry caught his attention, forcing him to open his eyes.
Meryl's expression truly would have been comical if not for the fear he read in it. Her small, slender body leaned over in front of him, contrasted against the ugly olive green of the truck she had vaulted from. Her huge violet-grey eyes widened as her dark hair slipped over them. Her mouth dangled open and then snapped closed like a curious goldfish's. A single hand was outstretched as if to poke him, shaking uncertainly.
"Um...Vash?"
He made an effort to look lively. "Hey, Meryl." His voice sort of slurred, though, totally ruining the effect. He blinked and let one eye remain open as he stared up at her.
Meryl trembled and bit her lip, her eyes hesitantly wandering to his blood-soaked clothing and the makeshift bandages that Doc had given him.
Vash laughed. "It's not that bad. I'm...actually fine, you know."
Meryl clenched her fists and managed to bring back a shadow of her old, commanding demeanor. "You're most certainly not fine! Help me get you up. We need to get to New Oregon and find a doctor." Meryl's eyes raked frantically over the distant settlement, squinting in the light.
"We shouldn't," Vash said. "I don't want to endanger them. Is there any place we can go...somewhere far away from any towns?" He allowed Meryl to help him up, and he helped as much as he could. He towered over her, though. He knew he was putting a strain on her, so he shifted his weight to the back of the truck as soon as he could.
A slick trail of blood followed him as he slid into the truck bed.
Millie spoke up slowly from the front. "We're near New Oregon, right Sempai?"
Meryl nodded.
"Well, if that's where we are then I know just the perfect place! My big big brother used to live there, but he left when he got married because his wife wanted to live close to a place she could shop in. And I'm sure that Andy wouldn't mind it one bit if we took Mr. Vash there. No one wants to go there because it's all alone." She smiled back. "Is that okay, Sempai?"
Meryl nodded again, frantically, as she spoke under her breath. She crawled into the back beside Vash and settled in, drawing her knees up to her chest. "Vash, you idiot...what happened...?"
But he didn't reply. He didn't hear her. He was... No, don't think like that! Meryl shook her head hard when she realized what she was doing. She was panicking. God! Just stop it already. She hated it when she got this way. She had not been raised as a coward, but as a strong, level-headed young woman. If her parents could see her now, they'd be disgusted. Odd that she thought of them now, of all times. But perhaps the beginning of something inevitably connected to the end.
And of course, when Vash was around, everything happened. The impossible suddenly became wildly and dangerously plausible, and everything she thought was certain melted at its foundations. She hated it and yet she craved it.
Warmth licked at the feet she'd pulled beneath her, and she jerked out of her thoughts. Her heart clenched in her chest when she realized that the warmth around her was Vash's blood.
"And you said you're all right? I can't believe you! If this is all right, I don't even want to see you when you're 'not too good'. You're...how much blood do you have, anyway?" She scooted closer to him and pulled her cloak off, pressing it around him with a tight frown. He resisted just a bit, but soon settled down. "Meryl..."
She felt her cheeks tingle with warmth. "What?" she snapped.
He opened both eyes, but the lids drooped sluggishly over his hazy blue stare. "I'm sorry," he murmured. "I...you guys...looked for me."
"Of course we did, you broomhead! What did you think we'd do?" Meryl murmured. She shifted uncomfortably and looked away. "Vash...I—I wanted to—"
"Meryl." He stopped her before she could continue.
And what had she been going to say, anyway? Could she really tell him? No. Not now. When they'd settled down; when he'd rested. She'd tell him then.
"Meryl...I'm sorry. I can't stay long. I'll...have to leave again."
Meryl tried to form a comprehensive reply, but she failed. "Why? You just...when?"
"It's...it won't be too long. But we don't have to think about it right now." Vash smiled.
There was something strange about his smile, but it took her a while to place it.
She had never seen him smile like this. There were the huge smiles, so obviously fake that it hurt to look too close. There were those rare real ones, deep but still genuine, even though they were weighed down by sorrow.
This one... it wasn't heavy, like before. It still looked sad, but not uncertain, not frantic and fearful and tense. It was relaxed, resigned...relieved.
She couldn't ask him any more. Not now.
It, too, could wait.
She stared up to the clear sky and breathed in the warm air, closing her eyes.
"You know... everything...it's new." Vash spoke up softly. "Like learning to breathe all over again. I think...I've finally made the right choice. I always thought that I could stay, that perhaps...I could keep some of the happiness I'd found, but... I guess it was too much. I think I knew it all along, but I wasn't strong enough to make a choice. I hid. Thank you, for everything." He smiled softly. "I'm really sorry I have to leave, but it will be best. At the very least...you will remain safe. I'll do... whatever I have to do to...make sure of that..."
His eyes slipped closed, and soon, his chest rose and fell tentatively in sleep. His breaths deepened, and Meryl tightened her cloak around his body. I hid... She'd been hiding, too, for a long time.
But if he was just going to leave again, why not stay hidden?
No. She'd promised Millie...
She'd tell him. Sometime.
Meryl leaned over and let her own eyes close. She hadn't slept much in the last couple days, since they'd started their search for Vash. She rested her head against the vibrating metal. "Vash?"
Of course he couldn't hear her. It was better that way. "Vash, would you believe me if I told you something?"
Silence met her whisper. Tears of exhaustion and emotion built up behind her closed eyes and rolled down her cheeks. "No, you probably wouldn't. But... You know, it really does sound stupid, but the first time I saw you, you were everything I hated. Reckless, lacking order and composure. You made fun of everything. You ate my doughnuts, for God's sake! You chased skirts without subtlety or shame, and..." Meryl laughed and squeezed her eyes shut tight to get rid of the tears that lingered on her eyelashes. "You drove me crazy. Every single time I saw that goofy grin I wanted to slap it right off of your face. How could a person like you, a person who's been through all you've been through...how can you smile? But I understand, now. I think I've understood for a long time. And...I..."
She kept herself from saying the very words she had promised to say. "I just wish you didn't have to leave," she said instead. "But...I guess I understand that too."
From the front, Millie's voice rang out. "We're almost there, Sempai. Not too far now."
As much as she wanted to get there, she wished they would never have to stop this car. Inevitably, though, Millie pulled to a halt outside of a weathered little shack, and Meryl silently watched as her taller partner carried Vash inside. The door opened with a creak audible even in the moaning wind. Dust accompanied Millie's entrance. This place had been empty for a long time. Standing outside, Meryl watched as her partner laid Vash down on a bare bed and began dusting with her shawl. Millie opened both windows, allowing the rampant wind to play through the house.
Meryl wanted to go inside, but the wind captivated her, keeping her from entering the stifling shack. It was so free out here. The beauty of the cool breeze almost allowed her to forget what Vash had said. She closed her eyes and fell back onto the sand, relaxing into its warm embrace. The sky above swam with clouds that came and went from one horizon to the other and far beyond. Turning slowly to look at the arms stretched out beside her, Meryl was shocked to realized how dirty she was. She'd wrapped the cloak around Vash, so all she wore now were the long white shirt and violet leggings. The white shirt's top buttons, usually fastened tightly, had long since been opened to combat the heat. Once immaculately straightened sleeves had been folded nearly up to her elbows, and the clean white cloth had been faded to a sort of pure tan from dust. And her hair... when had she last cut it?
A month ago, at the very least. The dark strands fell around her face and curled under her ears.
Though she was shocked by this realization, the thing that shocked her the most was that she didn't want to clean up right away. Dust was dust. It was all around. The clothes...well, she had to do something to ward off the heat. And her hair...
Meryl smiled when she realized what she was doing. She'd always been taught that allowing a bad influence into her life would influence everything around it. Perhaps that's what was happening. Perhaps soon she'd be just as bad as everyone else. Perhaps order would begin to break down and her meticulously ordered world would begin to crumble, too.
"I don't care."
She spoke aloud, and the wind played with her words before releasing them to the world. Meryl sighed. I don't care. She said it again to herself as she stood to her feet and patted the sand from her clothing.
She walked inside, unaware of the figure that watched from the far horizon.
Knives could see the human, and even though he couldn't see Vash, he could feel his brother's presence. "Hurry up, Vash. Return to me." Knives turned around, shaking his head in disgust at his brother's weakness. 'I'm getting impatient.'
Uneventful hours turned into days, and things continued in a sort of pseudo-normalcy. Vash awoke two days after they arrived, claiming that he was fine, at least until he tried to get out of bed. His wounds had begun to heal already, but he certainly wasn't ready for bouncing around yet. From that point on, Meryl took on the job of warden and sat either outside of his room or inside on the chair, depending on how determined the idiot was to escape. Most of the time it was inside. Arms crossed, reading a book or staring at nothing...
They didn't actually talk too much.
Even now, Meryl sat in the rickety old chair in the corner of the room. It must have been too large to take out of the narrow doorway when Millie's brother moved, because it was one of very few pieces of furniture left here. This little shack must have been built around the furniture. It had grown from the sands to become a home, something permanent...something to depend on.
Meryl's eyes moved slowly to Vash's face. Had he ever had something like that? A home?
Probably not. He was a self-professed wanderer. He'd finally found something of a home with her and Millie, and now...
Meryl's fingernails dug painfully into the skin of her hands, until she was sure that the skin was tearing. And now Knives had taken away even that temporary solace. Soon, Vash would leave again. "Damn him!" Meryl slammed her clenched fists into the arms of the chair, but they offered no resistance, easily bending to her anger.
It didn't help at all.
Meryl saw Vash moan and roll around in the bed, and she fell silent. He'd just fallen sleep a few minutes ago, after studiously resisting rest for days. He'd tried to stay awake, but in the silence here, in the cooing wind, there was very little to do, and he'd finally given in.
Sleep would help him to heal.
Maybe that was why he'd been staying up. But it was futile. He needed to heal anyway. There was no use causing strain on himself. "Rest well, Vash." And sweet dreams. I hope.
Meryl's anger melted away as she watched his resting features, loosened and almost childish... relaxed. Perhaps that was what his life would forever be; hell and pain during every waking hour. Maybe he would only find peace in his sleep.
Stop thinking like that.
She sighed and rubbed at her eyes. She hadn't gotten very much sleep either. Come to think about it... Vash was finally asleep, so...
Meryl gave in to the burning exhaustion and curled into the embrace of the armchair.
Sleep came instantaneously.
As soon as he heard Meryl's snores, Vash sat up in bed. He got up quickly and took one of his blankets, wrapping it around her tiny frame. He sighed and sat back down on the bed, laying down and curling into the blankets. He tested his shoulder's range of movement. It hurt like fire, but he could move it. Already, he was beginning to heal. The long, tender wound would soon seal, and after that, it would become just another scar.
And then he'd...
He'd have to leave.
Vash sat up, surveying the room, taking in the dirt and the little black ink markings on the wall, measuring sticks for growing children. The dirt, to Knives, would be a taint, the markings just memoirs of useless sentimentality. Vash loved it, though. He examined Meryl's sleeping form, relaxed but still just a bit tense, her brow creased in concentration. He heard her breaths, soft and real. Her knees had been drawn up under her chin and her mouth hung open just a bit. Vash laughed. She was drooling onto the sheet.
This was what humanity was.
The door opened loudly, but its progress was slowed as Millie realized Meryl was sleeping. "You still awake, Mr. Vash?"
"I think I slept for a little bit, but yeah." He smiled. "How have you been?"
Millie grinned. "I got some supplies from New Oregon! I made cookies, too! Wanna try one? I know Sempai thinks I only eat pudding, but I love sweets, you know. And I used to bake cookies with big brother Andy. I'm not as good as everybody else was, but they're pretty good, I think." She proudly held a brimming plate to him, and he took several cookies. "They smell good."
Millie beamed in ecstasy and waited, moving up and down on her heels.
"Okay. Um..." Vash took a bite. Several seconds passed, and Millie began to look nervous. "This is amazing!"
The beam returned. "Good! I'll leave them in here, then. Oh!" Millie's eyes widened. "Uh-oh, I think the next batch is burning!"
She ran out, and Vash laughed.
Humanity.
He'd miss it.
But at least...at least these two would remain safe.
"Yeah," He murmured. Keep telling yourself that.
The early morning suns shone with all their might, the child sun and its larger parent, both traversing the promising blue sky as they had done every single day before, and as they would do for many centuries to come. There was very little breeze, but the morning cool had not yet worn off. Vash looked out to the horizon ahead of him, to the hill where he knew his brother was waiting. It was time. His wounds had healed sufficiently, though not completely. He could feel Knives' anger.
Staying any longer would only compromise the girls' safety.
Vash hefted his bag onto his right shoulder, and looked over his left to the little shack. The light of the suns was just beginning to illuminate it. Meryl had been up an awful lot for the last several days, and she was still sleeping. Millie... Millie probably knew. And both of them would find the letter either way.
Vash tried to start his forward journey, but he couldn't. His step faltered and he found himself looking back yet again.
He'd left a letter. Usually he didn't have the heart to write more than a simple thank you, or a "don't look for me" kind of thing, but he'd been writing this one for a long time. It was still short, but...he'd said what he needed to say. He'd said goodbye. He'd told them that they had become his home. Millie, and...
Meryl.
They were his family, his friends. And that's why he had to go.
Please don't be sad for me. I'll be fine. I've finally found a way to do the thing I have always desired. You guys be careful.
And he had signed the note,
Vash the Stampede.
He turned. Perhaps he should have told them more. Perhaps he should have written the things that plagued his mind. Perhaps...
But if he went back in there, he wouldn't be able to make himself leave again.
Vash started walking. The sand yeilded to his soft footsteps, welling up around him like an enveloping ocean. One step, then another. Each foot followed the same pattern.
He didn't even hear it. He felt her before he heard the running footsteps behind him.
"Vash! Vash, where the hell are you going?"
Vash stopped in his tracks. He closed his eyes and then lifted them again, turning to face his pursuer. Light blue nightgown framing her petite body, she stood behind him with both arms perched on her hips. "Meryl..."
She saw the look in his eyes and she knew. The hands dropped to her sides and the fists she had tightened became loose. "You're leaving."
He nodded and turned around. "You should go back in now. Knives is waiting for me." Please go inside. I can't leave when the things I will miss most are so close to me. Please.
"No! Vash..." She squared herself and spoke. "I have something I've been wanting to tell you. I..."
Vash shook his head violently and lowered it, walking slowly toward her. He placed a finger on her lips. "It can't work this way, Meryl. I can't let you come with me. I...I know what you're wanting to say, and... But... I am destined to live like this. I have walked this planet in silence for a century before this, and I will walk it for centuries more. I can't put you in harm's way like I do to myself. If I took you with me, I think I might break my promise to Rem. She's gone now, but the people she died to save are not." He smiled. "I know this is what I need to do."
Meryl opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Tears that had brimmed in her eyes dripped onto her cheeks and she swiped them away.
"I promise, Meryl, that I'll see you again one day...even if you don't see me. I'll be watching."
Each tear that fell down her face felt like a needle piercing his soul. He wiped them away from her cheeks one by one, until just a few rested on her wide eyelids. "Please don't be sad. I'm not too sad, because I know now that I can counter him. I don't have to worry because I know I can keep you guys safe now. But..." He laughed, and it wasn't forced this time. "Next time Bernardelli tells you to follow some whacko creep, just tell them you've lost your mind from following me or something, okay?"
Meryl laughed too, and even more tears fell. Her body shook with sobs.
Vash knelt down and wrapped her arms around her. Her tears wet his shirt. He reveled in their warmth. This is why he'd wanted to leave right away. But now... he just wished he could take all of her sadness away. "I'm very sorry."
Meryl stilled and tighened her arms around his back, gripping on as if for her life. Her fingernails dug into the skin of his back. She buried her face in his neck and just stayed there.
It seemed like forever. Vash pulled away, blushing, and Meryl stood there, looking sort of dumbstruck.
"Um...yeah. I'm really sorry about that. I..." Vash remembered the last time he'd impulsively hugged her. It had ended with a rather nasty concussion. "I couldn't help myself."
Meryl shook her head. "No...thank you." She smiled. She took a step backward and wrung her hands in front of her, glancing up at him and then back down at her hands.
Vash got up and started walking again. "Hey, I'll see you! Don't forget me, okay?"
He walked until he was no longer visible over the dunes, until the light of dawn completely obscured him.
Only when he was gone did Meryl finally speak. "You idiotic broomhead. You really think I'll forget you?"
The suns had risen farther in the sky and now beat down upon her back. She turned to face the glaring light and walked back to the cabin, her footsteps mechanical. She arrived at the door and opened it, closing it automatically as she sat herself down at their makeshift table—a large, wide wooden crate. She didn't notice Millie there until her friend and partner softly cleared her throat. "Did you tell Mr. Vash?" she whispered.
Meryl nodded, not daring to look up as her vision blurred with tears. Meryl reached up and touched the little necklace he'd left for her before he had gone that last time. The jewel's blue was the color of the immortal sky, the color of his eyes. She smiled. "He's gone, Millie..."
"Don't worry! We'll see him again one day, Sempai! I know we will. Don't you worry."
Far away, Vash watched the suns rise on the little shack, watched as it was engulfed by the bright light of the suns. I promised... One day.
One day, he'd come back, if only for a moment... if only to stand right here and observe them, unseen.
He turned away. He had a lot to do. Knives was waiting for him close by.
It wasn't like he expected to change Knives. He'd realized that particular goal's futility recently. No amount of physical pain or force could alter a person's views. Only Knives could change himself. All Vash could do was give him the tools to make that change possible, and see if Knives used them.
Even now, Knives hated the humans they shared this world with. He thought of them as flawed beings, unworthy of existence. As long as Vash was with him, though, he could counter Knives, each forever the other's stalemate.
This was what he was destined to do. Perhaps...one day, they would free the Plants. Doc was working hard to make that possible. But that day was far in the future. For now, Vash had his work cut out for him. A smile crossed his face. This was what he was meant to do. This was something he could do...for today.
Tomorrow, maybe his goals would have changed, but now...
Vash crossed the hill and saw his brother exactly where he had known he would be.
"Knives."
It didn't hurt to go, this time. He was ready. Closing his eyes, Vash wished the girls goodbye for one last time. When he opened them again, he had wiped bis face clean of emotion. "Let's go, Knives."
Silently, his brother followed.
I, Meryl Stryfe, of the Bernardelli Insurance Society, am writing my final report on the outlaw Vash the Stampede. Now that he is gone, he no longer poses a threat to the agency, and therefore I would like to request that I and my partner Millie Thompson be removed...
Once the two of them had been taken off of Vash's detail, there had been very little to do. All of her coworkers sent word to her and asked many questions, but Meryl wasn't in the mood to answer any of them. The society sent her to take the vacation she'd been saving up for years. She would be gone for a while.
Meryl wrote quick letters to the few people she knew in the city. She'd never been much of a friendly neighbor, so very few messages were sent. Millie, however, flooded the post with gargantuan stacks of farewells. Meryl told Millie many times that she did not need to leave.
"I made my own decision, Millie. I don't have any regrets staying here. In fact...I think this is what I want to do. But you don't have to. You have an awful lot of family you won't be able to see for a long time."
"Don't worry, Sempai! I talk to them through letters most of the time since we're always gone. And my big big brother always says that I should find something I want to do and go for it! And I want to do this."
Millie had looked out of the window, away to the horizon, and Meryl knew she was thinking of Wolfwood.
"He'd like this," Millie said.
"Okay. Millie..."
They had both stood.
"Hmm?"
"Thank you."
Millie beamed. "Oh, no problem, Sempai! It'll be lots of fun."
Once they had taken care of their business in the city, she and Millie left the shack and joined Doc at the remains of Sky City, doing what they could to help him in his goal of harnessing solar and wind power. Seeing his progress brought Meryl hope. Perhaps there really was a way, a true compromise to this situation.
They'd never know unless they tried.
And maybe...just maybe, Vash would return some day.
Meryl wanted to be sure that she would have something special to show him. Forget waiting. Forget following. She wanted to do something to change this place.
"Aww, Sempai, lookit!"
In New Oregon, Millie smiled as the two of them wandered the street before sunset, shopping for goods. Doc helped all the others, but he always seemed to forget about himself. It was a wonder the ancient artifact of a man was still ticking. The two girls had made it their job to keep the workers fed. Millie, an apt strategist, helped out as much as she could, and Meryl soaked up information from the people around her. Meryl learned quickly, and was already assisting a young woman in her research.
She'd come with Millie today because the Doc had ordered her to get some fresh air.
"Sempai? Have the suns gotten to you?" Millie asked jokingly. "Look over there."
Meryl snapped up. Her eyes wandered to a light pole, where a news report was stapled. "Sighting of Outlaw Vash the Stampede," she read aloud. Then she sighed. "Why won't these rumors just die?"
She walked up to the pole and looked at the old picture they had included below the headline, the photo that had once been on the wanted posters. Vash's face looked unbearably goofy, but if you knew where to look, you could see the sadness.
"Meryl?"
"Yes?"
"We should probably go."
Meryl nodded and stepped back. "Yeah."
A small voice interrupted her and she felt a tugging on her skirt. "Heeey!"
She started, stepping out of the way to see a little boy with messy, pale hair and blue eyes. His mother stood over him, shepherding him around the wandering people. "Dear, it's time to go."
He looked about five. "I don't wanna, mommy! I want some candy! Go back to the candy, mommy!"
"No. I already told you. We need to get food for Daddy. No candy today." The woman nodded to Meryl. "I'm very sorry."
"Aww! You're mean," The boy whined. "I want candy!"
The boy's pink lips stuck out in a defined pout as his eyes traveled up the light pole. "Who's that?" he murmured.
The mom's eyes glinted, as if she'd had a flash of inspiration. "That's Vash the Stampede. He's a bad, bad man. A crazy person, and he goes after people who don't listen to their parents. He might be watching right now."
"He might," Meryl said softly.
The harried mother smiled in relief. "See? That woman knows it, too. So be a good boy and come along."
"But he won't hurt a fly," Meryl continued, "so you don't need to worry at all. You should listen to your mom, though. Maybe one day you'll meet Vash."
"An evil outlaw!" the kid was yelling. "Awesome!"
Meryl smiled. He might be watching...
Her gaze scanned the twilight sky. Maybe.
Maybe one day.
"Let's go, Millie. There's still a lot of things we need to do." She smiled, and her friend smiled back.
"Okay!" Millie jumped up enthusiastically and followed Meryl. "I want pudding."
Meryl laughed.
Yes, there were a lot of things ahead of them, but they'd meet them as they came. If anything, Meryl had learned that from Vash. She stopped as a cool wind whispered over her, and she closed her eyes. "You better be all right, Vash, you broomhead. I'm counting on it." Her voice was covered by the wind, made almost inaudible.
"Sempai? Are you okay?"
Meryl stopped. She'd always been told to answer pleasantly to such a question. One's troubles were not to be shared. This time, though, she answered honestly. "Yeah. I am. I'm fine."
They had fallen, but this planet would stand again. Many had died, but so many more could live. Things could change.
They would change.
"I'm fine," Meryl repeated. The wind was cool and refreshing... new. "Let's go get your pudding, okay? And Doc needs something sweet. Donuts. Let's get him doughnuts."
Millie laughed and skipped off, and Meryl wandered behind, enjoying the breeze.
Author's Notes: Thank you to everyone who's read this. Thanks for sticking it out with me, and special thanks to all those who have reviewed! I appreciate every single review that was given and I hope I was able to reply to them all. Anyway...I hope the ending is okay. I didn't want it to be really cliche. I tried to develop the characters throughout this story and show that they had finally accepted some things and come to terms with themselves, and I hope I was able to make some progress in that. Thanks again. Later, everyone!