There was such a lovely thunderstorm outside when I did this one, I wish there were more storms I could write while listening to.

-HTTYD-

Astrid resolved not to let Heather drag her out again. Those parties weren't doing her head any favours, and certainly not doing anything to dull her wayward feelings.

All it did was make her wish she was going back with them. Going home. Astrid ached as she thought of their hands and mouths on flushed skin, the taste of hungry kisses. More than that, she missed playful nights and comfortable mornings, warm and cuddled and safe.

Throwing up in a bin wasn't her finest moment either. At least Heather hadn't seen that.

Heather agreed to leave early when Astrid begged not to stay, and they got a little (more) drunk in her room instead while Astrid tried not to think of where she really wanted to be. One of her hands settled in the crook of her other elbow, nails digging into her own skin in an attempt to break the round-and-round of her mind. Heather ambled off a little later to sleep off the alcohol, leaving Astrid alone with her thoughts.

Burrowing under her blankets, Astrid tried to sleep, tried not to think of how much harder it was to sleep without their arms, their warmth.

Tried not to think of how they were obviously fine, could still just go out and pick up a number three for the night. They obviously weren't missing Astrid much; the only difference between her and any other girl was that the twins didn't have to mind how they touched each other around Astrid. Groaning into the pillow she pulled over her face, Astrid stared up at the ceiling and wondered maybe if she should be a little more... proactive in her trying to get past Hiccup and Eret. Maybe if she went out and found someone for the night herself the feelings would burn out faster.

Heather seemed surprised by her attitude the next morning, Astrid up and showered and even eating without Heather having to bring food practically to her bedside. Her clothes still felt a bit loose, Astrid noted with a slight frown as she rose from the table, resolutely not looking in the direction she could hear Eret's distinctive laugh from.

"You're up early. I was going to bring you food in like an hour."

Astrid smiled, though it felt false on her face and Heather seemed wary of accepting it as a sign of her mood..

"I have class."

"Well, alright then. Want me to bring dinner later?"

She was about to answer yes when the sound of Hiccup's voice reached her ears, and Astrid shook her head.

"No thanks, I think I'm gonna go out tonight."

"Last night you didn't even wanna stay an hour."

Shrugging, Astrid picked up the large coffee she hadn't yet finished and took a long swallow.

"That was then. You don't have to come."

Heather insisted she would anyway, which Astrid supposed was a good thing - if she got too drunk, Heather always ensured Astrid got home in one piece. And Astrid did the same for her friend. The university called it the 'buddy system', rather than address guys preying on drunk women, but at least most of the girls she knew looked out for each other.

Astrid's motivation had waned somewhat by the end of the day, worn down by the sadness that clung to her, the loneliness she desperately tried to ignore. But Heather turned up to get ready, and the way she asked if Astrid really wanted to go made her determined out of spite, because Heather could probably tell that Astrid was trying too hard to be ok.

Her fingers traced the ink on her hip as Astrid dressed in the bathroom, remembering she'd need to hide it from anyone who saw her that night if she actually went through with finding someone to take home, or to go back with. She wasn't dressed all that provocatively, but Heather still gave her the once over and whistled.

"Someones out to get laid then?"

"Eh. Maybe."

"Wow, you'll be fighting them off with that attitude."

Astrid rolled her eyes.

"You don't have to come out with me."

"Sure I do. You're on the rebound, and that means bad choices. I will serve as at some form of filter."

That was as much as Heather said on the matter of her assumptions that Astrid's depression was down to a break up. Given it was much more complicated than that, Astrid let her think that if it meant no more questions.

"Whatever. Come on."

The music in the bar was too loud, but with any luck Astrid wouldn't be there too long. She downed a couple of drinks with Heather first, reluctantly let Heather pull her out to dance a little and Astrid wished she could enjoy herself like she used to. Her body felt... disconnected, almost mechanical as she tried to move with the music. As soon as Heather had eyes on a cute blonde woman, Astrid shooed her over that way and shuffled back, away from the mass of bodies while debating whether or not to call it a night and give up.

A hand touched her shoulder, had Astrid jumping in surprise and whipping around. The guy held his hands up in a placating gesture, mouthing sorry to her before tipping his head toward the bar. Astrid followed, if only because she wanted another drink; the bar was warm and she was thirsty.

"Can I buy you a drink?"

"Sure, but I'm on soft now."

Expecting him to try and convince her toward alcohol, Astrid was pleasantly surprised when he asked if she wanted coke or lemonade. Sipping her fizzy drink, she looked him over. He was cute enough, light brown hair a little too long and hanging over his face, brushing past his shoulders but far neater than Hi-

No. Not going there, brain.

His blue eyes were different enough that Astrid opted to focus on those instead, his smile small and straight rather than toothy and lopsided.

"I'm Matt."

"Hi Matt. I'm Astrid."

Matt was clearly looking to pick her up, but he was nice about it - looked at her face, didn't try to get her drunk, wasn't all over her before Astrid displayed any reciprocal interest. It was a refreshing change, so used to less patience and courtesy from most guys she met on nights out. Except-

No.

Determined, Astrid downed the last of her drink and did her best to appear genuinely interested. She bid him to wait a second while she checked on Heather, who looked quite happy with her new friend, so Astrid sent her a text saying she was leaving and that she hoped Heather had fun. Matt led her out, letting Astrid know he lived walking distance away.

"I'm guessing you go to the uni that way?"

He gestured, and Astrid nodded.

"Don't you?"

"Nah, I was never one for class. I like working with my hands."

Well, at least she wasn't going to risk running in to him again, which was probably a good thing.

His place was reasonably tidy, and he offered her a drink before he kissed her. Astrid wondered when she'd forgotten how to kiss anyone other than them, mouth unsure how to respond to this stranger. She tried anyway, determined to get through it and show herself she could, asking if he had condoms before they got close to his bed - if he tried to get out of using one, Astrid wasn't going near him. Thankfully, he just said he did before moving to take off her shirt. He glanced briefly at her inked hip, but didn't ask and Astrid didn't worry; he didn't know the twins, didn't go to her university, couldn't spill the secret.

Matt was neither thin and wiry nor stocky and broad, Astrid's arms unsure how to fit around him for a minute before she forced her hands down to undo his belt, ignoring the sense of wrongness all the while. He wasn't aggressive, nor selfish about it either, boosting Astrid up on the bed and tugging clothes from her lower half in one go before fingers were exploring her. Astrid had to close her eyes and picture anothers touch to even get wet, angry with herself for cracking so soon and shoving those thoughts away forcefully.

Astrid had to fight the urge to turn over, had to make herself look, to know who it was on top of her because it would have been too easy to pretend if she didn't. He didn't fit her just right, didn't fill her blood with fire. Astrid was all but numb, turning her head away and fighting the nauseous twist in her stomach that grew tighter with every touch, and feeling sheer relief when he stilled over her. Was it over already?

"You're not really into this, are you?"

She looked up, saw concern writ across his face.

"I'm fine."

She had to be.

"You look like you wish you were anywhere but here, and it's not doing much for me. Just say so, it's alright."

Astrid found herself frightened to say anything, but he got off her anyway and rolled off the condom with no actual complaint.

"Get dressed, I'll walk you back if you want."

Guilty and in distress, Astrid just wanted to get away. She pulled her clothes on and mumbled that she'd get a taxi instead, apologised profusedly and fled as slowly as she thought wouldn't seem rude. The scent of his aftershave clung to her skin, her shirt, thankfully dulled by the cold air outside when she began to walk. She barely noticed how far she'd gotten until she was letting herself into her room, pulling off her clothes and scrubbing herself under the shower. Astrid slammed her fist against the tiles, tears lost in the shower spray as she stood beneath the water.

Was this how she'd be stuck forever? Lost to her stupid, impossible feelings for her brothers?

She cried until she fell asleep, regretting not drying her hair when it was a tangled, knotty mess the next morning though given the tears, Astrid doubted her pillowcase would have been any drier for it.

Her head was throbbing despite not drinking much, and her phone battery was beeping low - likely because of all the times Heather tried to call and text her. Groaning, Astrid plugged it in, cleared the notifications and texted Heather to reassure her she was alive. It was still early, so hopefully Heather was sleeping and wouldn't immediately turn up. Dragging a brush through her hopeless hair, she'd barely tamed it back down to braid when Heather was at her door.

"Where did you get to? I thought you'd been kidnapped!"

"Shhh. Headache."

Perching on her desk chair, Heather looked her over with a light frown.

"Hungover?"

"No. I only had a couple" though her alcohol tolerance had gone down with the lack of decent eating... "but... long night."

"Oh really?"

Heather grinned suggestively.

"Not... well, sort of like that. Met a guy, but it didn't go well. He was nice about it though, even offered to walk me back."

Sighing, Heather moved and sat next to her, rubbing Astrid's back with a sympathetic look on her face.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to push you too soon. You're not ready for the rebound yet."

It was pointless even trying to refute Heather's idea that she wasn't getting over a broken heart; she hadn't bothered for a while now, and if it meant Heather wouldn't keep trying to make her go out for that kind of 'fun', she'd let her friend think what she liked. And she wasn't even completely wrong, was she? Astrid was suffering from a broken heart – it was just different from how Heather though it was.

Heather fed her and then told her to go back to bed, and it seemed the zeal to drag Astrid out of her little funk had faded. Worn out by two overly emotional nights, Astrid did crawl back into bed after changing her pillow for a dry one, and though sleep eluded her time slowly ticked on by. Astrid only realised how long she'd laid there, staring and trying not to think, when Heather came back to check on her.

Naturally independent and self-sufficient, Astrid wanted to resist all the caring Heather was doing. She shouldn't need feeding, being told to shower and get out of bed and go to class. But she didn't care enough to do it without nagging, apparently, as proved by the sadness Heather's eyes showed when Astrid got up to go to the bathroom. It was gone quickly, but Astrid knew where it was coming from. She hadn't lost a huge amount of weight, but since Astrid had always been slim and active, she didn't have a ton of weight going spare. She'd always had a healthy appetite and burned it off with running and the gym, but all those things had suffered. Astrid dreaded to think what her run times might be like after a month of barely leaving her room.

Her moping was still in full swing a couple of weeks later, but with Heather's birthday upcoming, Astrid had to get up a few times for things like buying her friend a gift, and buying a new top that didn't hang off her, plus a belt to hold up previously-tight jeans. Her favourite skirt barely stayed up, and Astrid didn't care for pulling it up all night. Dagur had arranged a party for the occasion, and given the sheer amount of effort Heather had put in to taking care of Astrid lately, going to her birthday party was the least she could do really.

Since Heather had given up a while back on the twins being anything to do with Astrid's secretive behaviour, it wasn't really surprising they were invited to her party. Astrid wondered when the last time she had gone six weeks without even speaking to them was. Even when they were at university before her, they'd spoken on the phone, kept in touch. Now they didn't say a word to each other. Well, the twins sent words to her in text messages, but Astrid never answered them and the amount of missed calls and texts had tapered down week on week.

"Astrid!"

Dagur greeted her warmly, hugged her tight and pointed her over to the birthday girl. Heather hugged her tight too, thanked her for turning up and then again for the gift pushed in her direction.

"How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine, if you fuss about me instead of enjoying your birthday I will... confiscate your cake."

Heather laughed, shaking her head as she squeezed Astrid.

"Alright. But try and have some fun? No boy fun, I know that's not your thing yet, but yanno. Drink. Dance. Come find me if you feel like smushing cake in someone's face."

Astrid found herself laughing, the motion feeling almost alien on her face; she was out of practice at smiling and that was a sobering thought.

"You got it. But I'm only having fun for your sake!"

Leaving Heather to be well-wished by the others there, Astrid grabbed a drink and searched for somewhere to fade into the background. That was weird for her too; Astrid was many things and shy wasn't really one of them, but her social skills were dulled and she wasn't sure what to even say to people.

"You're looking lonely."

Astrid closed her eyes and tamped down on the nausea at the sound of his voice, turning to Thuggory in the hopes he wouldn't try to invade her space while she wasn't looking. No real luck; he was far too close for her liking.

"I'm alone, not lonely."

It had been over a year since she fucked him out of desperation, but Thuggory still thought he could keep trying. Astrid really looked forward to him leaving the end of the year. She tried not to think about who else would be leaving...

"I could ease the loneliness."

"Thuggory, if I wanted that, I'd have responded more favourably to your last dozen attempts to hit on me."

His smarmy grin began to wear thin, and Astrid's patience was close behind as he scowled.

"Quit acting like you're too good for me, I made you come you stuck-up b- ow!"

Sick of listening to him, Astrid grabbed his hand and twisted it until he sank to his knees with a pained whimper, wrist bent back at an unnatural angle.

"And I had to pretend you were someone else for that to happen, you ignorant ass. I fucked you out of desperation, and it was not worth it. Now leave me the fuck alone!"

He dropped back heavily, cradling his arm with a pained expression on his ugly face. He was yelling at her too, but Astrid didn't hear it, instead remembering who her mind had put in his place that night and how her body responded. Drawn by Thuggory's pathetic screaming, people were crowding, her skin prickling with cold sweat and someone put hands on her arms. Astrid tried to move them but they held fast, and it took seeing Eret kneeling next to Thuggory for her to realise the hands on her were Hiccup. That didn't soothe her the way it should, but before she could fight him off Hiccup was murmuring "come on, come on" and pulling her away.

Brisk evening air hit bare skin and she shivered. Hiccup slung his jacket around her shoulders.

"Why're we leaving?"

She murmured, mainly to distract herself. Hiccup leading her away from a party… that was so close to the day they'd first kissed…

Hiccup snorted, and it sounded amused, if only a little.

"It's possible that you broke Thug's arm. I'm absolutely certain he deserved it, but it would still be better if you stayed away from him for tonight."

Astrid blinked, a little stunned.

"Oh…"

She breathed. Had she really been that rough? She barely remembered, but that would at least explain Thuggory's yelling. Gods, was she really that out of control? Seeking comfort, she pulled the jacket closer around herself, but regretted the motion only a heartbeat later. It was so warm, the leather-and-sandalwood scent so familiar she almost cried.

He seemed to notice her emotional state and started leading her with a comment of "we should get you out of here", and Astrid was too weak and emotionally wrought to argue. It was the closest they had been to each other in nearly two months, and a large part of her wanted to run away and not face him, but Astrid followed him anyway. She was just too tired, too numb to do something else. He explained that taking her back to her dorm would look too obvious, when he saw her looking confused by the front of the building he and Eret lived in.

Their flat smelled like vanilla and cinnamon, though Astrid could still smell his jacket when she'd taken it off and shoved it at Hiccup. She took only a few steps further in, almost taking off her shoes out of habit. Hiccup hovered near her, glancing down at his phone for a minute before he put it aside and looked up at her.

"So... what was going on back there?"

Astrid shrugged, voice stuck in her throat. What did it matter what happened at the party? Her mind was too occupied with her current surroundings to care. Everything was the same as it had been before, so very familiar and just being there was wearing at Astrid's already-thin defenses. Hiccup approached her slowly, concern all over his face. He reached for her, faltered when Astrid backed away. She felt the wall at her back, and Hiccup pushed the advantage. He didn't touch her, but he was so close and Astrid could barely look at him.

"Talk to me Astrid. What's going on with you? What did we do? Whatever it was, I'm sorry!"

Oh gods, oh gods, Astrid was not prepared for the conversation Hiccup was asking for – and probably never would be. But him being so damn close, close enough to feel his body heat despite them not touching, only made it worse. She could feel his breath on her skin, the scent of sandalwood and him invading her mind, and his eyes drilling into hers as she looked up, demanding answers.

Oh, Gods, she wasn't strong enough for this. She'd stayed away from her brothers for a reason.

"Not now" she begged, her eyes dropping to his mouth just an inch or two away from hers "please, not now."

-HTTYD-

Oh Astrid, if not now, then when?