Oooh, co writer knows how to give all the feels! I really just beta-ed this chapter (probably poorly, I kept getting distracted by how good it was!)
-HTTYD-
With a sigh and a small smile, Astrid leaned back in her chair and stretched her arms until her shoulders gave a satisfying crack. After working through the entire morning, that was another job done now, and hopefully to her customer's satisfaction. Working as a freelancing web designer, she couldn't afford anything less than a perfect reputation. It wasn't what she'd planned for when applying to university two years ago, but during the past weeks it was all that kept the money coming.
And she needed that money. Gone were the days her parents paid her rent like at her dorm, and even though she still had some of her savings for university left, she tried not to tap into them too much. She knew she'd probably need those one day.
Her eyes wandered to the timer on her monitor, then she let out a deep breath. It was still about half an hour until... For a moment, she pondered getting started with another job or simply checking the last one over one more time, but then decided against either option. Now that she knew how late it was (in the grand scheme, as she'd worked through the night), she wouldn't be able to concentrate again.
Today was the day!
In an attempt to calm herself down, Astrid decided to make herself a cup of tea so got up from her chair and walked down the short corridor. The flat she was living in for the last few weeks now wasn't big or fancy in any way. It only contained her bedroom, a living room that also contained her 'office' in a corner, and a tiny kitchen barely big enough to hold a fridge, an oven, and a handful of random cupboards and shelves. In addition, it wasn't exactly a good area to live in either, the streets outside dirty and the neighbors loud and unfriendly. But it was affordable and, more importantly, had been available when she'd fled from Dagur's sofa. Which was all that mattered.
As she waited for the water to boil, her gaze wandered, as always, to the one picture she'd pinned to the fridge with a magnet, and something in her guts tightened. The picture didn't even seem to show anything comprehensible, just random dots of white on black background – except that it was more. It was the first and only ultrasound picture she had and one of those white dots was her baby.
Oh, please!, she inwardly prayed, though Astrid wasn't sure who to at that point as her hand dropped to her stomach. Being four months along now, the bump still wasn't visible when she chose to hide it beneath bigger and baggier clothes, but she could still feel it beneath her skin whenever she touched it. Absentmindedly, the tips of her fingers caressed over fabric and skin, her left hand staying over her belly even when the water for her tea was ready, and still when she stood leaning against the worktop and sipped at her tea, waiting.
Today was – presumably – the day that would decide over her future. Whether she had to start looking into cribs and pushchairs or…
No!
Astrid swallowed the lump that was starting to form in her throat at that line of thought, blinking away the moisture in her eyes. She would not go there, not yet. Not ever if she could help it.
Her eyes searched for the oven clock, and her heart jumped in her chest. Any minute now, the post… With closed eyes, she strained her ears, waiting and listening for a certain noise. When it came a minute or two later – the clattering of metal in its frame and a thud – she almost dropped her cup.
The post was predictable in its timing, early on the route and somewhat good for Astrid's increasingly frayed nerves.
In a hurry, Astrid all but leapt along the little hall, rounding the living room to get to the front door. Her hands were shaking. Her knees almost gave way beneath her, relief and trepidation flooding her like a wave when she spotted the thick envelope lying there.
Finally!
With the letter clutched to her chest, Astrid took in a deep breath and made herself walk back to sit down, just in case her legs really did give up on her. But once she sat down on her sofa, she paused, her eyes lingering on the name written on the paper. Astrid Hofferson. It was the name of her biological father, the name she should have gotten right from birth. Again Eret Sr's words rang in her memory, those he'd said to her face on that day and those that had ended up on her phones answer machine a few days later. No, she wasn't a Hunter any more – and probably never had been. Luckily, deed polls were pretty quick and painless, and so Astrid had been able to drop Hunter quite quickly...
Pushing those thoughts aside – mentally insisting that they only concerned her past and didn't affect her future – Astrid opened the envelope and pulled out the letter inside. As expected, it contained a formal greeting explaining once more which tests had been made for the genetic scan and what the results would mean – which she skipped, sifting through the papers until she found what really mattered. A chart, listing all tests again with the relevant results of those, and another with her and the baby's karyotyping test...
And all tests had come up negative.
"Oh gods!"
She gasped, her hand flying up to cover her mouth as joy and relief surged up inside her. Her other arm wandered around her body, cradling her bump, her baby growing within her as the papers fluttered to the ground.
"You're fine" she whispered as silent tears of joy welled up in her eyes "you're okay, little munchkin, you'll be fine. We'll be fine."
For several minutes that was all she could do, laughing and crying at the same time as the fears and worries of the last weeks fell off her. Her baby was alright and healthy, as far as anyone could determine at that point. So she would get to keep it. Over the last weeks, the fear of it being otherwise had plagued her constantly, the thoughts about what she'd swore she would do. She'd still been determined to stick to her original plan, but at the same time, the idea of all the chaos of the past months and her having lost her family having been for nothing, of losing her baby and of being all alone…
With determination, Astrid pushed all those thoughts aside, inhaling a deep breath and letting it out again to calm herself. She wouldn't think about that anymore, she didn't have to. Her baby was alright and that was all that mattered.
For she couldn't say how long, she just sat there, caressing her bump and smiling to herself, basking in the sense of relief and joy. Everything would be fine, and she could begin looking forward to the next month, when she was told would be a good time to start feeling them move. Eventually though, she turned her attention back to the letter, picking it up from the ground where it had fallen. There were two more test results in there somewhere, and even though she didn't think they mattered, she still wanted to know. Now that she knew that she could go through with this, she wanted to know as much about the person growing inside her as possible.
Determining the sex when performing such a thorough genetic scan was practically a given, as the chromosomes were looked at so closely, and Astrid hadn't minded getting informed about the result. It wasn't as if she cared whether her baby would be a girl or a boy, but she was done with surprises. Skimming the test, she nodded to herself and her lips twitched into a content smile. A boy.
For a short moment, her mind came up with how pleased her father would be to know that his line of heritage would continue with another male – until she remembered that the man who used to be her father would never meet his grandson, would never know, probably didn't even want to know. The thought ached, but she pushed it aside quickly, used to that by now.
Although… there was still the last result. Gulping and with shaking hands, she pulled up the last page, the one about the paternity test. What would it say, H or E? She hadn't dared to put their actual names in there, lest someone draw the right conclusions. It was the same as with the baby's sex though, the result didn't matter. She just wanted to know.
But at the same time, thinking about them still hurt so much.
Out of reflex, her hand reached for her favorite cushion lying next to her. She'd sewed it herself during the first days after moving there, not really knowing what she was doing but having to do something to keep herself from falling apart. It hadn't turned out great – especially the stitching on the left had come out crooked so she usually placed it on that side so as not to be reminded of that mistake, too – but she'd kept it nonetheless. Because of what it was made of. The fabric of (formerly) Eret's shirt might not smell like Hiccup anymore, but she still remembered being surrounded by them every time she clutched the cushion tight. And the picture on the front – the logo of Jonsi – always reminded her of happier times, of warm summer weeks a few years back when Hiccup and Eret had listened to one album and nothing else for weeks on end and she'd had fun plotting their demise. Or that of their music player at the very least.
Holding on to that cushion and the memories of easier times had become something of a reflex whenever her thoughts drifted to where she couldn't bear them. But now as she was about to find out who of them the father of her child was, it all came crashing down on her again. The playful bantering and the lightness of being with them, the heated kisses and skin beneath her hands, the ecstasy of their nights like the one where they made the baby in her belly. Their smiles, their warmth, the sense of safety and home she'd never felt anywhere but when cuddled between them. Gods, she missed them so much! Half a year had passed since that night right after Christmas, the last time she'd truly felt all that happiness. But she still wasn't over her feelings for them – and probably never would be. All she could do was hope that it would become easier over time.
Even though, deep down, she knew that such hope was probably futile.
Her eyes found the line where the result was printed, her free hand reaching so she could trace the single letter with her fingertips. Heather had been right in insisting she take that test, she mused, feeling numb. Knowing who the father was, with absolute surety, was good. Another thing she was certain about, had control about while everything else seemed to have spiralled out of control long ago.
Thinking about Heather made her eyes wander to the shelf near the window where her phone was charging. In the note she'd left all those weeks ago, she'd promised to call Heather, but so far, Astrid hadn't felt comfortable enough to do so. And truth be told, she still didn't. But with this news, with the joy and relief still glowing warmly in her heart, it would be easier. If she didn't do it now, she probably never would.
Going through her contacts for Heather's number and not finding it right at the top among the 'recent contacts' felt a little weird though. Why she'd listened to that message from her mother, she still didn't know, but after hearing that awful message with Eret Sr's harsh, angry comment on her mailbox, Astrid had changed her number, hadn't wanted to hear something like this ever again. And not having to delete unread messages and the notifications for missed calls all the time made going on with her life so much easier. By now, she only used her phone to call doctors or customers, to make appointments or to ask for clarifications. And she really wanted it to stay that way.
Though the numbers for Valka, Eret and Hiccup were all scribbled down on paper and shoved away somewhere. Just in case.
But after everything her friend had done for her, Astrid owed it to Heather to at least let her know that she was doing okay. So she changed the settings to suppress her number, clutched the cushion to her belly to gather her courage, and pressed call.
The reply came within a matter of seconds, a hint of confusion in their tone.
"Hello?"
Her friend's voice felt like a wave of warmth to Astrid, making her smile.
"Heather? It's me. Astrid."
Grimacing, Hiccup pushed the food on his plate from one side to the other. He should eat, he knew that, but he just wasn't hungry. As so often lately, his mind was very much focused on another topic, making concentrating on anything else incredibly difficult. Including studying for finals. Eret was the only one who could cajole Hiccup into eating most of the time, but his brother was distracted too.
It was almost two months since their birthday now, and they still hadn't heard anything from Astrid. They must have called and texted her a thousand times now, had asked around if someone had seen her, had searched what felt like the entire city... but it had all been for nothing. Astrid had vanished and Hiccup knew her well enough to know that they probably wouldn't find her until she wanted to be found.
That didn't make accepting her cutting them out of her life any easier though.
Hiccup was just about to push his lunch over to Eret when he got torn out if his gloomy thoughts by a shadow falling onto the table between them. Again was someone approaching them in search of a heated tryst? It made him grit his teeth; they hadn't hooked up with anyone since the last time with Astrid, but every now and then there were still people who thought they could try. The thought turned his stomach. When he reluctantly looked up however, his face went slack, his eyes wide, his heart suddenly beating in his throat.
In the beginning, he and Eret had contacted Heather on a nearly daily basis to ask whether she'd heard from Astrid, though without success. For her to approach them now on her own volition had to mean that–
"Did you hear something?"
Eret asked, a little breathless as he put Hiccup's thoughts into words. Hiccup couldn't take his eyes off the black-haird girl, anxious and hopeful for any news she might have, and from the corner of his eye he noticed that his brother was suddenly just as tense as he felt, too.
Heather nodded.
"She called me just now. I had to sneak out of Professor Wing's class, but it was worth it."
She motioned for Hiccup to scoot over so she could sit, and he obliged without hesitation, though Eret frowned.
"Is this really the right place for this conversation?"
He threw an apprehensive glance around the crowded room. Some people were throwing them curious glances.
"Maybe not" Heather snorted "but with your lack of... social contact lately, sneaking away to talk privately now would draw a lot of attention, much more than us just talking like this."
Conceding her point, Eret nodded. She wasn't wrong, but in all honesty, Hiccup couldn't have cared less either way.
"What did she say?" he inquired in an urgent voice. "How is she? And where?"
Holding up her hands as if to ward off too many questions, Heather shook her head.
"I don't know where she is, she didn't tell me. Even blocked her number so I couldn't call her back if I wanted to. Probably still doesn't want to be found by anyone." Her grimace clearly showed how unhappy she was with Astrid's behaviour too, but she didn't comment further on that point. It would have been futile anyway. "She did let me know that she's doing alright though, and judging by how she sounded, I believe her."
Two identical sighs were audible, and Hiccup felt relief flood his mind, slumping as his body became weak with the waning tension. She was okay. That was all that mattered, really. More or less.
"And… the little one?"
He asked in a low voice, eyes intent on Heather. Eret looked up as well, mouth set in a tense expression. Heather had told them about the genetic scan Astrid had wanted to do, and by now, the results could have come in. Not that they paid lots of attention to possible milestones in development… Again, Heather gave a nod.
"The results came in; that's why she called, I guess?" she took a deep breath, then leaned in and lowered her voice. "The baby is healthy as it can be, from what's possible to say at this point."
"So, she's going to keep it?"
Eret asked in a tense voice, letting out a low curse when Heather nodded in affirmation. Hiccup glanced at his brother and saw the same hopeless desperation he felt mirrored in Eret's eyes. It was bad enough that they'd made Astrid flee and hide, but the thought of her being pregnant, giving birth, raising a child all on her own without any help or support was even worse. Because it was (almost) all their fault, her leaving, their baby, the entire mess. More than anything, Hiccup wished they could go back in time and… and just change something!
Locking the bathroom door, lying to their parents, tackling their father to go after Astrid... just something. Anything to change what had really happened.
For a minute or so, all they could do was stare at the table between them, and only when Heather abruptly stood up did Hiccup even remember that she was still with them..
"Anyway," she said in a voice that was cool and clipped all of a sudden, at odds with the way she leant down closer "I just thought you'd want to know. Also, it's a boy," she went on, then pointedly looked at Eret "and he's yours."
"Okay, thank you for letting me know, son. That's not what I'd hoped to hear when you said you have news, but you're right. Knowing that Astrid is doing alright and the little one is fine is better than nothing. I–" Valka paused, her voice lowered when she continued "Oh! I have to go."
Grimacing at the beep, Eret glanced at his phone, then placed it onto the kitchen's worktop. This was how phone calls with their mother usually ended lately – with her abruptly having to hang up so their father wouldn't know they were still in contact. To put it mildly, Eret Sr was not happy about his children's incestuous activities.
Or more precisely, he'd made it clear that neither of them was welcome under his roof and that he didn't consider them as his family anymore. As a Sami man, Eret knew it was the deepest cut the man could have made. Sighing, Eret rubbed the back of his neck. Thinking about their father hurt.
Their mother was… well, she wasn't understanding, not really. But she was more accepting, willing to ignore in favour of keeping in touch and maybe even supporting them. Eret could only imagine how difficult and tense their parents' marriage and life had been lately, but in all honesty, that wasn't something he was able to care much about; there were others who needed his support more urgently.
Astrid.
The baby.
Hiccup.
He finished preparing two mugs of tea, then went over to where Hiccup was sitting on the sofa, also busy talking into his phone
"Yeah, no, I understand. Thanks for being no help at all!"
Hiccup angrily slammed his phone onto the table in front of him and then buried his face in his hands. With a heavy sigh, Eret placed the tea in front of his brother and sat down next to him, easily able to guess what that had been about.
"They still wouldn't tell you anything?"
"No" Hiccup grunted "even though they have her new address, her phone number, everything. The guy I just talked to now even confirmed that it's been updated only recently. But…"
He trailed off, his shoulders slumping in defeat. Eret sighed.
"Well, that was to be expected, wasn't it? Of course the university has her new information, if only to send her documents and all. But she's old enough; nobody but herself has access to this information. Not even mom or dad could get them. It was a long shot anyway."
There was a twisted sort of irony - if it wasn't Astrid they were looking for, they would have had someone capable of breaking in to the records and getting whatever information they needed.
"I know…" Hiccup muttered as he lifted his head "but I just had to try again! It's so frustrating. These people know where she is! If only we could find her, Eret. Talk to her. I mean… I get why she ran away after what Dad said, but… but why would she disappear without talking to anybody? Why won't she let us help, dammit? If Heather is right and she's going to keep the baby…"
He trailed off, his face again buried in his hands. Eret let out a pressed sigh but didn't know what to say either. He felt the same, after all. Pain and confusion about Astrid's behaviour, worries for her well-being, her where-abouts. And the baby… Gods, he couldn't even think about what that meant…
"It's all my fault," Hiccup eventually broke the silence. "I knew she wasn't quite herself. I should have stopped her. I could have-"
"It's not your fault, H."
Eret interrupted him insistently. He knew his brother too well to let him spiral down that road again. But Hiccup didn't seem to be in the mood for anything reasonable.
"Oh, it's not? Who was it who brought her here? Who saw all the signs of her being so off and chose to ignore them?"
"Hiccup…"
"Who let her kiss him instead of insisting on getting answers? Who was so eager to get her back into bed that he willfully ignored everything else?"
"Hiccup..."
"I should have known better, should have made her talk! But I was just too stupid, too happy to have her back, and… and now, she's Odin-knows-where, pregnant and alone, and–"
"Hiccup!"
Eret kept trying, but Hiccup seemed not to even hear him.
"–all that is my fault! She's our sister, family! And the baby–"
"–is not even yours!"
From one moment to the other, thick silence filled the space between them. Eret gulped. He hadn't meant to snap yell, hadn't meant to say these words at all. But gods, Hiccup wouldn't have listened to him any other way. He hadn't meant them like that anyway. When he saw the pain and betrayal burning in Hiccup's eyes though, he instantly wished he could take the words back.
Hiccup's face twisted into a painful grimace and, averting his gaze, he nodded.
"Right," he grunted, getting up from where he sat "your child. None of my business. Why do I even care?"
He made attempts to push past Eret, to get away. Eret refused to let him, inwardly cursing himself as his arm went out to block Hiccup's way, his hand closing around his wrist. He wouldn't let his brother walk away thinking that was how Eret felt.
"Hic, wait!" he said urgently. "That's not what I meant!"
He was fighting to keep his voice calm despite its trembling.
There was no question in his mind as to whether that child was his or Hiccup's. It was theirs. If the past weeks – that past year, really – had taught him anything, then it was that the idea they'd originally had, about just fun and stopping if they found someone else, was bullshit. He would never find anyone for whom he'd be willing to part from his twin. Astrid was the only one who'd gotten in between them for real, but even she had only been an addition, equally but not more important.
Losing her had felt as if someone had ripped out one of his lungs; incredibly painful and he would never stop missing her. Losing Hiccup too, though? That would kill him.
And now, he thought Eret wanted to exclude him from his- no, their child's life? Never. He'd just spoken without thinking to try and stop Hiccup's personal descent into the darker parts of his mind.
At first, it seemed as if Hiccup wouldn't listen though. He pulled away, fighting against his hold, and Eret was just about to let go so as to not hurt him and let him cool down first when Hiccup became calm again. Almost eerily calm.
"Oh? It wasn't? Because it damn well sounded like it."
"No, it wasn't," Eret repeated with emphasis, desperate for Hiccup to listen "what I meant is that it's not your fault."
Hiccup snorted and now tried to wriggle out of Eret's hold again. But Eret held on tighter, refusing to let Hiccup walk away, to lose any more to misunderstandings and unspoken words.
"No, listen. What I mean is that part of this mess is the fact that Astrid is pregnant with my child. So, unless you tied us both up and forced me to fuck her against both our will, then that is not your fault! You can't take the entire blame upon yourself, you hear me? That's not how it works."
Hiccup snorted again, but it sounded different this time. Less hurt and more dejected.
"How does it work then?"
Eret took a deep breath, relieved that this small but severe outburst seemed to be over. After everything that had happened lately, he couldn't stand the thought of losing Hiccup too.
"If anything, then we're all to blame. I noticed her odd behaviour just as clearly as you did, but I didn't interfere and demand answers first, either. We both fell asleep and let her slip away. And whatever happened, Astrid is to blame, too. She initiated it, wouldn't answer, slipped away and ghosted us, refused to talk to us! I don't know what was on her mind then or what is on her mind now, but… gods, I don't think there's anything she couldn't tell us. So, if anything, then it's all our fault. And now, we're in this together. You, me, and her. We all started it, mutually, happily. I… I can't even say I regret what happened up to the fall out with dad. Now, we just have to find a way out of this mess. We, not just you. Together."
For an endless moment, Hiccup only stared at him. Eret could practically see how his words worked their way through his twin's mind before he slumped, his head bobbing.
"You're right," he mumbled, thankfully not resisting when Eret pulled him into a hug "thanks."
Eret grunted but didn't react any further. For a while, neither of them said anything. They just held onto each other, unwilling to part, to let go. It was so soothing to feel Hiccup's warmth, his arms around him in return. If nothing else, at least they weren't alone in this.
Eventually, Hiccup broke the silence though.
"What do we do now?"
Eret took a moment to think, but then shook his head.
"I don't know," he sighed. "I don't think there's much we can do. We already tried everything to find her and failed. So unless she lets us know…"
He trailed off to silence, which held until Hiccup nodded.
"I have an awful feeling you're right. I just…" He paused, shaking his head again, more vigorous this time "gods, I can hardly believe she's really going through with this. A baby…"
Eret gulped. Yeah, that was the crux, wasn't it? After Christmas, they'd settled on giving Astrid time. Sometimes, she was like that. Sometimes, she needed a few hours, days, or even weeks to herself to get grounded again before she went on with being her smug and humorous self. But that tactic hadn't worked back then, had only made it worse.
If they'd confronted her directly, if they'd made her talk…
Waiting for her to come to her senses hadn't done them any good and giving her even more time wouldn't solve anything at this point either. Because she was pregnant, for fuck's sake!
And yet, waiting for her to reach out to them was all they could do.
Instead of answering, he drew Hiccup closer, his twin's hand tightening in his shirt at the same time. There was nothing they could do right now. All that was left to them was hoping that, eventually, Astrid would contact them again. That she wouldn't cut them out of her… of their life for good.
It left him feeling helpless, incompetent, and only knowing that he at least had Hiccup made it possible to keep breathing.
At least they would always have each other.
-HTTYD-
Ooooh, them feels! Delicious.