Chapter 15
Madelyn never understood why so many New York City apartments had popcorn ceilings – they were so incredibly ugly. As she stared up at hers for the better part of an hour the next morning, she had to admit that counting the little bumps provided one hell of a distraction from reality.
"You up, kiddo?"
Was she? Yes, Madelyn was no longer asleep, but was she truly awake? Danny's words from the night before swirled in her brain, making her think that as much as she's lived the last few years, she'd been half-asleep for all of it. Half-asleep and apparently self-sabotaging. Now, Madelyn was wide awake and was finally feeling the overwhelming emotions pouring in after realizing the damage she'd self-inflicted.
Her lack of response prompted Jamie to enter her room. She must have looked like quite the sight if the look on her brother's face was anything to go by. Madelyn could only guess her face was red and blotchy with mascara streaks everywhere, as she laid curled into a ball, hugging Ash's old t-shirt with a vice grip.
Jamie knelt down next to the edge of the bed, catching his sister's gaze.
I could look away, but any energy I've had to defend myself to their accusations or even just turn over in the bed is completely gone. So for now, staring at the wall, or whoever gets in front of it, is where I'll be.
Madelyn internally bristled at the impending emotional conversation Jamie was clearly chomping at the bit to have. She bit her lip in an effort to prevent herself from throwing the blanket over her head and ignoring him.
"You want pancakes?"
Jamie's question – so innocent in nature – surprised Madelyn. Jamie, the brother most willing to encourage an emotionally open dialogue in moments of distress, was clearly circumventing the entire situation with Elliott to offer her pancakes?
Danny must have slipped him a Xanax or something. But hell, I won't turn down Jamie's pancakes. I'll take advantage of the bribe before he tries to get me to talk.
Madelyn nodded, and Jamie winked at her as he left her room. Now, Madelyn realized, she'd have to not only get out of bed, but face the proverbial firing squad that was her family; that, and all of the pain, mistakes, and agony she both caused and endured the past few years.
"These pancakes better be fucking worth it," She murmurs as she puts on a pair of sweatpants. "Chocolate chips or I'm out."
To his credit, Jamie waited until Madelyn was halfway through her syrup-soaked chocolate chip pancakes to call attention to the elephant in the room.
"You want to talk about it?" The question, said so casually, caught Madelyn off guard. She had been expecting a laundry list of questions, a lecture, or even a demand for therapy.
"Is that an actual question?" She asked, skeptically. "Or is it an order disguised as a question?"
Jamie rolled his eyes, taking a sip of coffee. "The last time I 'ordered' you to do something, you were six years old and punched me in the arm. I learned my lesson."
Madelyn gave him a small smile. "I don't want to delve into this, but nothing about this family has ever screamed 'let go and let God,' so we both know this will be hanging over my head until I do."
Jamie nodded in agreement. "Why don't you want to talk about it?"
Madelyn raised a brow, as if to say, "you're kidding me right?"
"No, seriously. I would never judge you, kiddo. You know that."
Biting her lip, Madelyn pondered how to verbalize the California-sized tornado of feelings she had swirling inside of her.
"I think…I think subconsciously I thought I deserved it, and telling anyone, making it stop? Well I wouldn't' get what I deserved anymore."
Seeing Jamie's fists and jaw clench simultaneously, Madelyn exhaled deeply. Saying the words had been just as hard as she imagined, more so since Danny had broken the glass wall Madelyn had built years before. After he'd called her out on her self-sabotage, Madelyn had no choice but to see her actions for exactly what they were.
Why else would I not break Elliot's nose when he hurt me? Why did I just push it under the rug for so long? The old Madelyn wouldn't have…how did I not see it? I guess pain, guilt, and denial can serve as pretty good blinders.
"That's…That's so screwed up."
Despite Jamie's serious tone, Madelyn let out a dark chuckle. "Yeah," She replied. "It is."
"Whatever caused Joe's death, it wasn't you. You weren't responsible for it and you certainly weren't responsible for saving him."
Madelyn's eyebrows furrowed. "What do you mean 'whatever caused Joe's death'? We know it was a fire."
"Of course – all I meant is that no matter the cause, you weren't it."
Sighing, Madelyn pushed the remaining pieces of pancake around on her plate, staring at it blankly. "I hear what you're saying and I know that logically. But in the back of my head, I just can't get there; I guess I never could."
Jamie gently grabbed Madelyn's fidgeting hand, prompting her to make direct eye contact. "I need you to really hear me. There was no way that you could've saved Joe, okay? Even if you hadn't been knocked out. That fire was too fast and too powerful, and all it would've done was kill you too. It wasn't your fault."
Madelyn's eyes filled with tears, a few falling before she could even make the attempt to stop them. "Maybe it wasn't my fault and maybe one day I'll believe it. The rest, though? Elliot, everything with Ash…that's on me. And thanks to Danny's sudden increase in emotional intelligence, I'm fully aware of the shit-storm I've caused."
Jamie, to Madelyn's surprise, rolled his eyes. "Who do you think shared that insight with him, huh?"
One blink. Two. And then laughter that wouldn't stop, and then laughter turned into more tears. "That's' – That's incredible. I – I'm so s-screwed up, Jamie. I – how the hell do I come back from this?"
"There's nothing to come back from, kiddo. You didn't do anything wrong – not even with Ashton. You lost Joe and blamed yourself – you were hurt and no one can fault you for that. What you're doing now? Talking about it? That just means you're ready to move forward."
"Okay," Madelyn whispered back through tears, "Okay."