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Chapter 22.0
Jessie was up before the sun, rising early so she could have some time to think by herself without the interruption of other people. She quietly slipped out from under her covers and made her bed then changed in the dim light of the remaining coals in the fireplace. She looked down at Cindy, the girl had had another nightmare the night before and had ended up sleeping on the floor in front of the fire next to her stretcher. She was sound asleep, her heavy breathing the only sound other then the quiet ticking of the clock.
Carefully she finished changing then quietly slipped out of the living room into the kitchen and grabbed the loaf of raisin toast on the bench. She looked at it for a moment, contemplating taking a peice but her stomach churned nervously and her appetite abated. She didn't feel hungry. She hadn't eaten dinner the day before or much lunch either but the knots in her stomach took away any little desire to eat that she had. She glanced at the clock. It was just after five in the morning and every second that passed by was a second closer to Cindy leaving, and her new foster home. She closed her eyes, taking in a deep breath as her emotions threatened to overwhelm her. She needed a ride, she needed to clear her head.
A quick glance over at the desk confirmed that there was a pen and paper and she grabbed them, writing down a quick note explaining her absence so that neither Jack nor Cindy panicked. She was only going for a short ride, she'd be back in a couple hours. For a moment she considered writing that she wasn't coming back at all but sighed as she wrote the opposite instead. She knew there was no way she'd be able to survive the Winter when she had nothing. Sighing again, she signed her name and placed it on the table where she was sure that it would be found and grabbed some scraps to feed her mountain lion. She'd spent less time with Cougar lately, partly because she was worried that someone would see her with her and partly because she had been busy with Cindy. She still found time to feed her of course but she missed cuddling up next to the fire with her, listening to her loud purrs. It was another thing she was going to miss when she went to the new foster home, her and Warrior and everything else that she had come to love.
Taking her coat off the hook she put it on the slipped out into the cold, quiet morning. The first faint rays of sunrise began to light up the sky as she made her way to the barn, her breath misting in the chilly air. She shivered even though she was wearing a jacket. It was freezing, another reminder that Winter was just around the corner. The first snows were expected by the end of the month, the forecast predicting heavy snow when it did fall.
As quietly as possible she opened the barn door then closed it again as a slight breeze began to blow. Warrior snorted softly as he looked over his stall door, waiting for her with his ears pricked. 'Hey boy. You want to go out for a ride?' She asked softly as she approached him, stopping outside the door as he nudged her with his muzzle. She smiled sadly as she patted him then unlocked the door and entered his stall. The stallion bumped her gently as she grabbed his empty feed and water buckets, placing them aside to fill later when she returned and grabbed a brush and his bridle from over where the tack was stored. Silently she worked, brushing his fur with long, firm strokes. Slowly, she started to feel better, focusing all her energy into getting his coat gleaming and not the train crash that was her thoughts. Every bit of dust and straw was brushed out of his coat until she was satisfied with her work, the barn starting to light up as the rays of the sun drifting through the window got stronger. The stallion nudged her gently as she took off his halter and exchanged it for his bridle and she scratched behind his ears. 'Come on, we're going out.'
She led him out of the stall, trying to be as quiet as possible so she didn't wake Ty and alert him to her presence but Warrior's hooves sounded loudly on the concrete. She cringed as they made it to the door, glancing at the loft. There was no movement, no sound. She breathed a sigh of relief as she opened the door. Ty was still asleep.
Closing the door again she led Warrior a couple of paces away from the barn and halted him, grabbing a lock of his mane as she prepared to spring on. She winched as her ribs hurt from the exertion of pulling herself up but she pushed through it. What did it matter if she hurt herself again? She didn't care anymore.
Warrior shook his head as she gave him the cue to step forward, his hooves scraping loudly on the frozen ground. Jessie frowned. Had it been that cold that the ground had frozen overnight? She nudged him gently with her heels, the stallion smoothly transitioning into a slow canter. Turning him towards the trail they took the previous day she glanced back over her shoulder at the ranch house. No one had noticed her leave and she was thankful. She just needed to be alone for a bit. Alone to think.
As the sun rose higher in the morning, blanketing the horizon in brilliant shades of orange and purple it revealed paddocks snowy white with frost. The girl wasn't surprised. She had smelt the frost in the air, heard it as the grass had crunched under her feet on the way to the barn from the house. It looked beautiful, like a veil covering the ground but the frost came with another complication too. The grass would start to die off for the year now, reminding her again that if she took off to the wilderness like she longed to do Warrior wouldn't survive, not without food.
Slowly they made their way to the Overlook, the girl slowing the stallion at the top of the hill and turning him to watch the rest of the sunrise. She blinked as the sun rose over the horizon, a slight breeze ruffling Warrior's mane and her long hair. She breathed in deep of the cold air, her breath vaporising in front of her as she exhaled. It was cold.
Warrior shifted his weight from hoof to hoof, pawing the ground softly. His movements brought her back to reality and she nudged him forward gently, cantering down the hill to the pasture behind the ranch house. The pastures were still and empty, all the livestock being held in the paddock closest to the ranch so they could be cared for. She slowed Warrior to a halt near a gate, stopping only long enough to open and close it again then they were off again. She didn't know where she was going, didn't care where she was headed. She just needed something else to focus her mind on.
Warrior snorted as he started to slow again, a fence appearing in front of them. Jessie reined him in, turning him to go alongside it instead. She glanced down at the other side, it was a three-hundred foot drop to the bottom, going at a slope that only mountain goats would bother climbing. It was so steep the slope was almost a vertical cliff, almost, but not quite. Through the trees she could see that down the bottom leveled out to a flat pasture heading towards the mountains. Briefly she wondered if that was still part of Heartland then shrugged as she turned Warrior away from it and headed towards the forest.
Her mind started to clear as Warrior trotted his way through the trees into even thicker brush and slowed him to a walk. She looked around, they were almost invisible from how thick the forest was. A loud twig snapped and Warrior instantly halted, his ears pricked as he snorted. She glanced around nervously, he'd obviously heard something.
Jessie sighed with relief as Cougar slinked out from behind a bush, making her way over to them. 'Cougar, you silly girl. You nigh about gave me a heart attack.' She patted the stallion as she slid off, crouching down next to the mountain lion. Cougar purred loudly, rubbing up against her. 'Hey, I've missed you.' She quietly exclaimed. The puma purred louder, wrapping her body around her as she sniffed the girls pockets. 'Oh, you only want me for your breakfast hey?' She teased with a smile as she pulled the food she had taken from the house for her pet. Cougar lay down beside her on the fallen leaves, devouring her meal with gusto. Warrior ambled around them, nosing away the leaves to find the grass underneath. She closed her eyes, listening to the sounds around her as she let herself fully relax. Cougar's soft purr, the clank of Warriors bridle as he eat, the small tweets of the sparrows as they started to emerge from their nests, the soft clicks of the crickets hidden underground.
She sat in the stillness, listening. Concentrating her thoughts on what she could hear she felt herself starting to feel better. Her mind was clearing, she could think straight again. She started to think of Cindy leaving again and going to her new foster home but she pushed them away. All she wanted to do was be present, not think about those things at this time. She just needed to take some time out for her.
The sunlight shining on her face made her open her eyes and she looked around. Warrior was standing a few paces away, his head down with a back leg cocked as he dozed on his hooves. Cougar was curled up around her, fast asleep. No wonder she felt warm, she realized, looking down at the mountain lion. She was a portable hot-water bottle. She smiled, patting the cat behind the ears. Cougar opened her eyes sleepingly then placed her head on the girls lap before falling asleep again. She chuckled, rubbing the cat. Cougar was such a big baby.
She looked around again, trying to see the sun through the thick canopy of trees above her. The sun was almost up a quarter of the way in the sky and she guessed that it was around nine o'clock. She wondered briefly where the time had gone, knowing that she had to head back now. She'd missed breakfast by a long shot, somehow having her appetite returned to her by her ride. Amy and Mallory would be at school now, Lou would be off getting things ready for her dude ranch to open, Caleb and Ty would be off doing things around the farm and Jack would more then likely be with Cindy, starting to get worried about her.
She sighed as she started to get up, forcing the cat off her. Cougar growled softly as she was rudely awoken and yawned, showing off her fangs. 'Sorry girl but I have to go.' She gave the cat a pat on the head, Cougar instantly going from growling to purring under her touch. 'Oh you giant baby.' She chuckled then saddened slightly. 'I'm going to miss you girl.'
Cougar rubbed up against her, having no idea what the girl was talking about or thinking. She licked the girls face with her long tongue, making the girl laugh. 'Cougar, yuck!' She complained, wiping her face on her jacket. 'I know you love me but save the licks. Goodness only knows where your tongue has been.'
Jessie whistled quietly as she stood up, giving the mountain lion one last pat as Warrior ambled on over to her. 'Off you go girl, go hide.' The puma slinkered off into the underbrush again, disappearing as quietly and as quickly as she had appeared. She took one last look in the direction the cat had gone then picked up the stallions reins and mounted. She sucked in her breath from the ache in her ribs then turned the black towards home. 'We'd better head home boy, they'll be wondering where we are.'
Warrior picked his way carefully through the trees at a walk then jumped into a canter as they emerged from the forest. The frost had all disappeared, melted by the sun that was warming the ground up. It was still cold though, Jessie could see both Warrior's breath and her own as it misted and disappeared. She sniffed the air then sneezed from the cold. Snow was coming, she could smell it. Robert had taught her how to read the signs of the weather and everything she was seeing pointed to snow coming earlier then the weather station had reported. She knew the first snows would fall in less then a week, not the end of the month as they said it would.
The stallion lengthened his stride as they came down the hill towards the ranch, heading for the fence. 'Warri-' Jessie started, trying to rein him in. She knew what he was up to. The stallion loved jumping and took every chance to do so. This however, was a barbed wire fence. 'No.'
She tried to turn him but the stallion took the bit in his mouth and plowed on. He slowed slightly a couple of strides from the fence then took off, tucking his legs up high underneath him. The girl threw herself forward over his neck to stay with his movements, her heart in her throat. Warrior stuck the landing though, continuing on down to the ranch like nothing had happened. She relaxed her body in relief. Jumping barbed wire wasn't something she liked doing. One small slip up and it was all over. Barbed wire and horses were a fatal mix.
The ranch came into view and Warrior headed straight for the barn. She knew exactly what was on his mind. Food. She slowed him to a trot, then finally a walk for the rest of the distance to allow him to cool off properly before she took him back into his stall.
As she rode quietly into the ranch yard, she saw Jack and Cindy waiting out front, obviously looking for something. Lisa was there too, on a phone call it looked like but she put her phone down when they saw her riding in. They hurried up to her as she approached and she cringed inwardly. Jack didn't look extremely happy and neither did Lisa for that matter.
'Where have you been?' Lisa asked as the girl halted her stallion beside her. 'We've been worried sick about you.'
'I needed to clear my head.' Jessie answered as she dismounted, gathering up the stallions reins as he dropped his head to graze on the lawn. 'I left a note so you guys knew what I was doing.'
'But you said you would be back ages ago.' Jack replied. 'We thought something had happened to you. Do you know what time it is?'
'Nine?'
'Almost ten.'
'Sorry.' She mumbled, looking down at the ground. 'I didn't mean to worry you. I just needed to get away, I just needed some time by myself.' She lifted Warrior's head, the stallion quickly grabbing one more mouthful of grass as he was pulled away. 'I'm going to go put this guy in his stall.'
She turned to lead him to the barn when she heard a car coming up the drive. Warrior halted, his ears pricked and his head high as he snorted nervously. She didn't recognize the car and neither did the stallion. 'Easy boy, easy.' She quickly started to turn him around in a circle and moved him closer to the arena away from the driveway as the car slowly pulled up. Warrior snorted again, shaking his head and she patted him quickly to reassure him.
Cindy looked at the car for a moment, almost like she was unable to believe her eyes. Wasn't she supposed to be here tomorrow?
Jessie looked at the car, unaware that she was holding her breath. The car door opened and an elderly woman stepped out, looking towards Cindy, Jack and Lisa.
'Grandma!' The girl exclaimed excitedly as she ran towards her, the old woman opening her arms wide to embrace the child. Cindy wrapped her arms around her, looking up at her with those blue eyes. 'Oh I've missed you so much!' She kissed her cheek, holding her tight. 'I thought you were coming tomorrow.'
'They let me out a day earlier and I just couldn't wait a moment longer to see you.' The woman smiled as they let go of each other and she looked her up and down as she placed her hands on her shoulders. 'Let me look at you. You've grown so much.'
'An inch.' Cindy chuckled. 'And the food wasn't bad here either.'
'I've missed you so much.'
'I've missed you too.'
Jessie turned away, leading Warrior quietly over to the barn as Cindy and her Grandmother reunited. Her feeling of calmness disappeared as quickly as her breath blew away in the breeze. She knew that she shouldn't be jealous, her grandmother was all the family Cindy had but at least she had her. What did she have? She had nothing, no one.
Silently she led Warrior into his stall and let him loose then headed to where the feed was kept to grab his breakfast. Her eyes started misting as she measured out the stallions oats into his bucket, their reunion playing over and over again in her mind. Oh what would she give to have a person who loved her as much as Cindy's grandmother loved her. All she wanted was someone to love her, someone who cared for her. No one really did. Why would they? Her doubts started to take over, her mind fighting against their grasp but losing to them. No one would ever love her, it was just something she knew she had to get used to. That she wasn't worthy of anyone's love.
Grabbing the brush she had left outside the stallions stall she headed back in and hung his bucket up, the black diving instantly into his breakfast. Normally she would laugh at the way Warrior eagerly devoured his food but there was no joy in her soul. She remained emotionless as she vaguely went through the motions of brushing his coat then closed his stalland headed back out without saying a word.
She looked out the barn door, Cindy was still there with her grandmother talking to Jack and Lisa. She turned away. She didn't belong over there in their conversation. She walked over to where her things were kept, looking at the ruined jacket of Lisa's that she had gotten her hands on. She sighed, glancing back out at the group then made up her mind. They didn't need her around to get in the way, she might as well go and do what she had planned to do a little earlier. They wouldn't miss her absence.
She grabbed the buckskin she had cured from a buck she had shot nearly a year ago and placed it in her saddlebags, picking up the rest of the things she needed to do what she was going to. Once everything she needed was in her bag she quietly snuck out the back door of the barn and headed towards the quietness of the pond. She needed to get away. She couldn't stay a moment longer. It wasn't anyone's fault for the way she was feeling, she knew that, she just couldn't bear to be around them.
She trudged over the pasture to the pond, seating herself down beside the old overturned boat on a huge shelf of rock. She glanced down at the ranch yard, the people had disappeared now and she guessed they had gone inside. She blinked away tears that threatened to spill down her face. Why couldn't she have what Cindy had?
Quietly and soberly she set to work, needing to do something to keep her hands busy or she knew she would break down again. She hated the way she felt, how the slightest thing could threaten to undo weeks of hard work of moving forward. Hopeless, sad, terrified, they were the best words she could think of to describe how she felt. Everything was happening so fast. She thought she had the entire day left with Cindy before she had to leave but now her grandmother was already here. It brought her to a new sense of reality. They were going to be separated and then she was going to be shipped off to the city with a couple of strangers. She was exhausted. Totally and utterly exhausted of being strong for so long. What did it matter anymore? There was no point in fighting any longer.
Her hands worked to undo the stitching of the jacket furiously, almost like she was taking out every bit of anger and frustration she had on the single strand of string she held between her fingers. Tears welled in her eyes, her vision going blurry as she quickly blinked them away. The jacket came apart in record time, she couldn't remember ever un-picking something as fast as she just had. She tossed the pieces aside as she rolled out the buckskin then set to work.
P.S. You guys remember that gorgeous jacket Lisa wears in the cattle drive episode? Well, in this story I had to come up with a way to include it (I absolutely love that jacket, it's so beautiful! I want one like it one day lol) and so I figured out a way to mention how she came to get it... Anyway, till next update, adios!