Chapter 23

And I might as well just tell you while I'm drunk, yeah
The truth is that I think I've had enough
Emotionally messing with my health (ha)
How could I confuse that sh** for love? —Cut You Off, Selena Gomez

Bella

Jacob returned to California for Christmas break, which was an added kick in the gut. When he dropped out of my life without giving me so much as a clever explanation, or so little as a pathetic excuse, I never thought he'd go to this length to keep it that way.

That's not fair to him. I told myself as Emmett and I drove to the Clearwaters to collect Leah and Seth for a spur-of-the-moment welcome-back excursion to Port Angeles. But it was the way I felt. Jacob took a scare, and if I were honest about it. It was understandable and quite noble he'd want to spend his Christmas vacation with his mom now that she was better.

Why I wanted to see him in the first place conflicted me. Maybe I just wanted to snub him the way he snubbed me. Give him an icy welcome home—make him think his return didn't affect me in the slightest. God knows he deserved to feel every bit as awful as he caused me to feel.

Or did I just miss him? And want to see him again? Perhaps to hear from his lips how he missed me just as much. To hear how his world stopped spinning when I was no longer a part of it the way mine did when we suddenly stopped talking. Maybe it was for the simple opportunity to have his arms wrapped around me once more, holding me. Possibly even kissing me so well my head spun again with the clean scent of soap from his freshly scrubbed skin, while feeling his damp hair between my fingertips, like those times he sneaked over to see me after boxing practice.

A wishful sigh slipped from me. I quickly faked a cough when I thought Emmett might have heard it.

The biggest reason I'd longed for seeing him was to find out what went wrong between us. And I deserved nothing but the truth, regardless of how much his words of rejection would hurt.

We skidded into the Clearwaters' driveway, jerking to a halt. Emmett was a terrible driver.

Seth came out of the house alone. We already lost Jasper to Maria's self-centered whining, and it looked as if Leah might bail on us, too.

"So much for a Swan-Clearwater Christmas reunion," I said.

Seth had grown taller and sported visibly broader shoulders. It surprised me, though, how much his face appeared to have matured since last fall. His personality often reminded me of Jacob's, but now I noticed how much of a physical resemblance they shared. Squinting as he brushed a feather of wavy, black hair from his eyes, he shined a bright grin. Like his older cousin, Seth's natural, cheery smile could pale the clouds in the sky, reminiscent of seeing a bright sun after dark weather. I couldn't hold in my smile.

His eyes locked on me for the tiniest instant. Sensing the rapid warming of my face, I looked away, grabbing a tight rein on the startling spark of enthusiasm that surfaced. I was no longer mad at him, but I had distanced myself from him ever since the locker-room incident.

Losses put Emmett and Jasper in bad moods, so I didn't think too much of Seth's remoteness. But I was aware of the possibility of concussions and got worried when he closed his eyes for too long, afraid he was falling asleep. I leaned over him and touched his shoulder. "Seth."

Opening his lids, his eyes floated about my face. Then, as quick as a hawk, wings spread wide and swooping at its prey, he held me in his clutches and forced a bombshell of a kiss. It was a kiss I wasn't expecting, a kiss I never could have imagined, a kiss I didn't want.

He riled me to the point of wanting to smack him silly.

I almost did the next day when he snuck up behind me while I stood in the yard, inventing reasons for his out of character, caveman behavior and wondering what the hell he was thinking. But he grabbed me in a defensive bear hug before my ability to whirl around and punch him. "Stop it, Seth! Let go of me!" I forced myself the rest of the way toward him and broke free from his clasp, swatting at his forearms and shoving him away from me. "What is wrong with you?"

"So-rry." He grimaced as if I over-reacted to how he wrapped his hands around my shoulders with no shame for his behavior the night before.

Scowling, I gritted my teeth to control the rising of my voice so that nobody heard us. "Do you think your behavior last night is excusable? Forgivable?"

A swift and surprised broadening of his eyes transitioned into a genuine apologetic gleam. "I know, Bella. I know. I really am sorry. That's why I came over. Give me a chance to explain."

I glared at him, folding my arms over my chest and tapping my foot.

"Honest, Bella, I thought I was dr..." He paused and gave up a loud huff. "I thought you were..."

"Yes?" I snapped with impatience, arching my eyebrow.

Running a hand through his hair, he shifted his gaze over my head and smirked. But it wasn't a taunting smirk. It was more of an embarrassed, wary smirk. He was stressing about it as much as me.

"The point is, Bella, I didn't know. I didn't even realize what was happening at the time. I ha-hardly remember anything at all." He tucked his chin in, avoiding eye contact like a remorseful child who'd just been scolded. "So, please, please just don't be mad at me."

After thinking it over, I ended up believing him. His injured tone and the desperation he tried to conceal made me feel sorry for him, so I decided I wouldn't tell a soul. Not even Jacob. No matter how upset I was, Seth was my friend, and I cared about him. I couldn't humiliate him like that. Jacob might have gotten mad, Emmett would have teased him, and Leah and Jasper would have blamed me for telling if Seth got hurt over it. I thought it best to pull away from him. It was an appropriate act of loyalty to Jacob and a penance to ease my guilt over my decision not to tell him.

Seth chose to attend the boarding school his freshman year and unexpectedly left for Chemawa without saying goodbye to me. I hurt his feelings when I didn't forgive and forget. So, I waved a white flag in the form of a birthday card I mailed him, while sending a special Miss You card to Jacob. I'd turned to Seth when everyone else was busy. He always had time for me. He made me laugh and made me feel good. I couldn't deny that I missed his company while he was away.

Cool air flowed over my skin, contributing to the nervy goose bumps prickling up on me when he tugged the car door open. "No, Jasper?" he asked, climbing into the backseat.

"Nope. No Jazz," Emmett said, talking to him through the rear-view mirror. "He said he might show up later if Maria's up for it. I hope she's not. It defeats the purpose. I take it no Leah, either."

"She just now changed her mind. She's too busy." Seth tapped me on the arm with the back of his hand. "She wants to talk to you before we leave, Bella. She's in her room."

Entering the house, I took a purposeful inhale and relished the faint smell of sweet grass Harry burned each night to keep the bad spirits away. Turning from the hallway into Leah's doorway, it shocked me to see her normally tidy bedroom torn in shambles. A sturdy, silver footlocker lay open on the lush foam-green carpet. Two smaller pieces of luggage nesting on the star-quilt dressed bed cried out to me, like grating sirens. Not her, too! My mouth fell open, calamity already settling in my stomach.

Leah exaggerated a sad frown, the way babies sometimes did prior to bursting into tears. "Don't, Bella. You'll make me cry. I'm having enough trouble with going away to school already."

I obeyed, grabbing hold of my lip with my teeth before I could replicate her frowning expression, if I didn't already do it. "Why didn't you tell me you made this decision?"

"Because I wasn't sure. I mean, I signed up a few weeks after Seth left because I missed him. My parents said I could have until now to change my mind. And I did until last night."

I cleared aside a pile of clothing and sat, settling into the bed. "But if I had known. I could have prepared and gotten used to the idea. Now it feels like we have no time." Christmas vacation flew by too fast as it was. "Are you sure you want to go?"

She nodded. "I'm wasting here, and ever since Sam, I don't like the person I've become. I feel so stupid."

I saw nothing different about her when she and Sam split up. I thought she got over it fine. I admired how strong and levelheaded she was throughout the ordeal. "What are you telling me, Leah?"

She lifted a sweater from the bed and began folding it, presenting obvious loneliness. The problem became crystal clear. Me. I'd been a terrible friend, always withdrawn and too caught up in my heartache to bother seeing how life's trials affected others, and not paying enough attention to the people I loved and cared for the most. I was unforgivably self-centered.

"Half the time, I don't know whether I'm coming or going, and it's been months. I force myself to hate him. Most of the time it helps. But sometimes..." She minimized the emotional crack in her voice. "I just want back in his life. I miss him so much, Bella, and it's not right."

The more she spoke, the more ashamed I became. We could have leaned on each other through our painful situations. Yet, I was just discovering her devastation. "I understand, Leah. I should have been there for you. I'm so sorry," I said, blinking back tears. "Some best friend, huh?"

She shrugged. "It's not important. What's important is that I get far away from Sam to start fresh."

"But... Do you think running away is the best idea?"

"I do. No offense, Bella. I know you've loved Jacob since, like, forever, but your relationship was nowhere near the level of mine and Sam's."

Relationship level? What? Then it hit me. "Oh, no, Leah! You and Sam didn't... Please tell me you didn't." She was way too young.

She pushed a piece of hair behind her ear, revealing the reddened rim; the trait she shared with Jacob and Seth, I'd learned, showed a blush. "Of course, not."

It didn't escape me that she didn't look me in the eye.

"I just believed him when he said he loved me. He told me he loved me, and with all my heart I believed him. What an idiot to trust him."

Though, leery of her answer, I let her off the hook. I saw no point in dredging up a huge mistake that she probably realized with substantial amounts of devastation that she couldn't undo, no matter how much she might want to. If I had been paying closer attention to her, Sam would have gotten a mega beat-down. Jacob or Emmett would have enjoyed the opportunity. They still would if they found out my fear.

"And to top it off," she added, gathering me from my thoughts. "I've found I have twisted stalker tendencies."

"What? You're stalking him?" I slapped my forehead. Where have I been all this time?

"Not literal stalking," she explained, lifting finger quotations. "And... not Sam, either."

"Who, then?"

She reached down, pulling open the drawer of her bedside table. "Look at this."

She held up a photo of her, Sam, and Emily. I recognized they had taken it the night of the bonfire. Leah was in the middle, cheek pressed close to Emily's, smiling cheesy.

"You kept this? Why?"

"See what I mean? I'm obsessed with her. I stare at it, at least once a day. I've memorized every single, obvious to subtle facet of her face, comparing it to mine. Wondering what she has that I don't. Wondering what Sam saw in her."

"You mean, besides braless boobs and a phony smile?"

She laughed. "For real, Bella, how sick is that?"

It's out there. I didn't answer out loud, because fearing you're crazy made you sane, in my opinion. Reaching over and putting my arm around her, I gave her a small hug, thinking about what my mom might say in this situation. "We know, sweetie. The same thing they all did." She gave me a slight roll of her eyes. Mom must have hated whenever I gave her that look. "I'm serious, Leah. Emmett told me all about her when he heard what happened."

Emmett told me a lot of things about girls like Emily. He also told me a lot of things about "typical" guys. A little too candid, I'd often thought. "Believe me, it's nothing to be proud of."

"I know, but it doesn't make it hurt any less."

I pulled together an understanding smile. "If change is what you need? I'm all for it, but the healing process begins here." I took the picture from her hand and lifted it before her eyes, my fingers meeting in the top-center for a split. "Do you want to do the honors? Or should I?"

She gathered her lips, holding back a smile. "I'll do it." The first split in half was thoughtful and slow. With each additional rip, her eyes brightened, until she shredded the entire photo into several pieces. A job well done.

Both sighing, we exchanged grins.

Leah would be fine; she was tougher than me. She was definitely better at hiding things than me, but I was having trouble deciding if the latter was an admirable characteristic or not.

In the next update, Bella will give us more details of what played out between her and Jacob. I hope you're enjoying the story and the fast updates. 😉