Yes, I know. Please don't kill me. It's been, like, a year and forever since I last updated. But...ummm...Leggy went away for while (right...) and there went my inspiration (ahem) threats! So, here we go, and let's hope I can get back into the swing of stupidity!

Legolas: HOW long did you tell them I was away?
Kalayna: Well...a long time?
Legolas: It was TWO DAYS!
Kalayna: Legolas! I suggest you shut your pie hole right now before you get me murdered!
Legolas: Pie hole? I don't get it...
Kalayna: Ugh. Read this. (tosses him Kalayna's Dictionary of English Slang and Figures of Speech)

Alright, so the wonderfulness of me and the terribleness of...well, of everybody else...begins RIGHT NOW! So listen up.

Went to scary wizard-tower thingy and found tiny shrimps

You know, these guys are really starting to irritate me. These two little shrimpy things, Wedding and Peppy, I think? I mean, here we are, going on a valiant trek, risking life and limb to save them (code for me being dragged along by a stinky dude with delusions of grandeur, a cocky trick magician, and a sassy dwarf). We find them, and what are they doing? Smoking, drinking, eating decent food--all the things I COULD be doing if I hadn't decided to go on this feral hen hunt (what? It's "wild goose chase"? Right, I knew that). Anyway, the shrimps are bugging me.

Confront owner of scary wizard-tower thingy all by me lonesome...

Alright, maybe I had a little help. But I was the action! The only thing the other less important people did was flap their jaws and yell for a while, just distracting until I could shoot the slimy Wormy dude that I KNOW I've met before... Anyway, it was all my doing, and once again no credit. Is it just me, or am I the only one who recognizes the greatness of me, ME, MEEE? Oookay, apparently so. I see how it is.

Little shrimpy dude finds bad-looking bowling ball and gets in trouble!

Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah! For once it's not me the mean old bossy Gandoofus is yelling at! I give Peppy a stern look, of course, but on the inside... HAHAHA! Then it's back to horsey-castle, where my best friend and hero Eomer is. Of everybody in this whole Middle Earth, I like Eomer the best. He saved my life by giving me horses. Smile!

Um, you would think that you would leave the evil bowling ball ALONE!

But NO. Not the stupid shrimp. He's got to go PLAY with it. Ay-yay-yeesh! Little shrimps. Gotta hate 'em. At least his little seizure of fire got him a quick ticket to elsewhere, and got rid of Gandoofus in the bargain! If I'd known it would do all that, I would have handed it to him personally!

OK, so now we have to go save Stinky's city?

Uh, one question...WHY? I don't mind killing more things, of course, but puh-leeze. Why is EVERY battle we fight because if we don't fight it, the race of Men goes bye-bye? Has anyone else noticed that little trend? Sigh. I guess I can handle it, as long as slaughter is involved! Off we go to the Whitewashed City!

Dead army, big scary mountain, TERROR!

No me likey caves, no me likey caves, where's my teddy bear, aaaagh! I don't wanna do this! I have gotten so good at putting this little mask on my face and being trembling with terror on the inside. I mean, as far as Stinky and the red-bearded ogre know, I'm so-cool elfy dude. Let's keep it that way! The prince of Mirkwood is frightened of no one and nothi--yaaah! Was that a bat? OK, so now the dead army's fighting for us, and I feel a wee teensy bit better about our odds--BUT NOT MUCH!

That--that dratted Dwarf knocked my shot!

How dare he? How DARE he? HOW DARE HE? You get the point. Wait... huh. He made me kill something. Cool! I am grudgingly grateful--what? No, I take it back, I'm not. Never. How could an elf be...ugh...grateful to a dwarf? Anyway, onto the pirate ships we go, and the hold isn't homey, but it's a place to sleep (while the other guys sail, heehee).

Weee! Over the side we go, with such a pretty landing...

On my part, that is. The Dwarf was just...awful. Have you ever watched a goose land? Yeah. And Stinky...nothing special to speak of. Me, I landed light as a dove on my toes after leaping from the deck and soaring like the bluebird--FEMININE! Who said that? You are on the top of my hit list now, buddy--I broke a nail. Oh, my.

I killed the Oliphaunt, hey! I killed the Oliphaunt, ha!

Rejoice, all ye peoples, at the gloriousness that is me! Can't you just hear those fangirls cooing? Yeah! Scaling the side of a monstrous beast--who, by the way, seriously needed moisturizer and a better toothpaste--to bring it down with several perfectly aimed arrows through the skull. I rock. I am the undisputed best.

What does he MEAN, it only counts as one!

That is beyond toleration. Would it be all that bad if the Dwarf somehow fell on the field, his tragic demise brought about by an Easterling arrow (fired from an Elven bow)? He'd never know what hit him, right, and no one would ever guess. Poor, poor shrimpy. NOT! On second thought, I'd better not do that. It would look much better for me to save him from some ugly Orc. Yeah. Good plan. I'm gonna win in the end anyway.

Well, it's about TIME this battle ended!

For once, I'm actually glad the fighting's over. I'm REALLY tired. In fact, I'm so exhausted I'm about ready to fall over. I almost got killed a couple times, my clothes are all dirty, and absolutely worst of all, I think my hair has flyaways! Noooooo! I must see this place's best hairdresser immediately. Stinky and the Boys can clean up this mess. By the way, the Steward jumped off the wall--Stewhead, I think is the better name for him--his son's just about dead (uh, that's Bora-weird's brother), the horsey princess almost got killed (which is only upsetting because she's related to Eomer, my idol), and Wedding might not make it (ha! Revenge for the smoking and drinking and salted pork). And the horsey-king is dead, too. I never particularly didn't like him, and he's Eomer's uncle, so I might be able to pull an especially sad face for his funeral. Although that makes Eomer king now--a pretty good step up, if you ask me. Lucky duck. At least he's heir to a MORTAL throne. Me, I have to wait until my Ada DECIDES he's done being a rich, all-powerful, luxurious-living, mighty, and honored king so I can take the spot instead. How likely is THAT to happen? How about not? Grrr.

OK, that's gonna be it for now, and I know they're not as good as the other chapters. I would have finished off the 3rd movie (needless to say, this doesn't follow the books), but I want to have a little left for another chapter. Next chapter: the battle at the Black Gate, the coronation ceremony, and an explanation of Legolas' actions after the end of the books. Adios, amigos! Thanks for reading and I'm sorry it's been so long. Senior year of high school and all. Bye!

Legolas: AHEM.
Kalayna: Ah, yes, I was about to say that. R&R, PLEASE, everybody! Put down the knife, Legolas. You have a sea of fanmail waiting in the other room. Why don't you go open it?
Legolas: (eyes light up with excitement) FAN mail? YES! puts on the Schwarzenegger voice I'll be back.
Kalayna: groans Please don't be. OK, y'all, later! Hopefully not too much later.