Hi all!

Update time! Sorry it's a little later then I expected to upload, things haven't been the best over my way atm... But I'm back now and hope you all enjoy the update!

Thank you everyone for your reviews, I can't express my thanks towards all of you enough. Thank you. You guys give great feedback and support. Thank you.

Anyway, that's all for now. Enjoy!

Chapter 9.1

Lisa was right. A nice long bath and a nap did do wonders for her. By the time she woke up, it was almost six. Dinner time. She sighed as she got up, sitting on her bed with her legs pulled in against her chest and her head resting on her knees. Her sleep had been good, she'd been able to forget everything for a couple hours but now that she was awake everything had come back. She guessed she must have been tired as she glanced at the clock. She didn't even remember sleeping. One moment she'd been hoping onto her bed and the next she was up again. She didn't even have a dream.

She could hear Lisa cooking in the kitchen, the faint ding of a pot on the granite bench top. She could smell something too but the aroma made her stomach do flip flops. She sighed again. It really was lovely how her body reacted to stress, not.

Jessie sat on her bed for a good ten minutes, hugging her legs against her as she thought. Even if she didn't realize it, that was a behaviour she'd started when she was just a toddler. Whenever people started to yell or argue she'd dive under the nearest bed or table and sit like she was now in the dark. It was a behaviour that she'd resorted to a lot as a little child and one that she did now without thinking if she found herself in a stressful situation by herself.

She heard something in the kitchen again and decided that it was probably time to get herself moving. Even if she didn't want to eat she could guess Lisa would still call her for dinner. She swung her legs down over the side of the bed and closed her eyes for a moment to stop the nausea in her stomach. She just wished the feeling would go away, for good.

She made her bed then headed out, heading up the long hallway towards the kitchen. Lisa glanced around as she walked in, stirring something on the stove and she smiled sleepingly at her. 'Need any help?'

'I think I've got everything sorted.' She replied, placing the spoon she was using to stir the sauce aside as she turned to her. 'Take a seat Jessie, dinner won't be long.'

Jessie sat down at the breakfast bar, glancing over at the pots on the stove. 'What are you cooking?'

'Spaghetti meatballs. One of your faves.' She took a seat across from her, lowering her tone and trying not to seem intimidating to her. 'Jessie honey, Jack rang while you were sleeping.'

'What'd he say?' The girl sighed.

'He wanted to make sure you got here okay.' Lisa couldn't help but notice the slight change in the girl's demeanor. 'He told me what happened Jessie, he's a bit worried about you. Do you want to talk about it?'

She shook her head, averting her gaze away from her as she looked down at the bench. 'No Lisa, please. I don't want to talk about it.' She was trying to hold it together, trying to keep it together. She couldn't look her in the eye. Couldn't bear to see that look on her face. If she looked at her she knew she'd break down. It was taking everything she had not to break down right this instant.

'Jessie.' Gently she touched the girls chin, making the girl look up. 'Whatever is going on, talking about it will make you feel better.' She literally could watch the walls the girl had built around her crumble as the girls face fell and she broke down sobbing. What was going on? 'Oh honey.' She quickly got out of her seat, going around to the girl and she wrapped her arms around her, fondling the girls hair as Jessie sobbed with her head on her chest. 'Jessie, it's okay honey, it's alright.' She kissed her head, just holding onto her. Jack had told her everything he knew, how Jessie had reacted to him and what she'd said but she hadn't been expecting this kind of response. Jessie had been doing so well, she hadn't had an episode like this for sometime. It really worried her. She held onto her tighter, trying to comfort her. Something was really wrong with her. 'Jessie, come on sweetie. It's okay.'

Slowly the girl started to calm down, growing aware of Lisa's presence and her strong embrace. She let out one last strangled cry then just lent against her, gaining strength from her hold. She closed her eyes, just concentrating on feeling Lisa's arms encircling her. Slowly she started to calm down, the sound of Lisa's heartbeat surprisingly comforting to her. Her breathing began to come normal again as she focused on just listening to her heartbeat. She felt so ashamed, so embarrassed. She couldn't control her emotions. She nuzzled into her embrace, wondering what on earth had just happened. She didn't have any control over herself. 'I-I'm so sorry Lisa, I d-don't know what happened.'

'It's okay honey.' Lisa gently assured her as the girl hiccuped again, exhausted from her sobbing outburst. 'It's okay.' She stroked her back, letting the girl gather herself together again. She glanced over at the stove, checking how much time the timer had left on it. She had plenty of time till she needed to take it off. 'How about we go sit down in the living room hey?' The girl nodded as she opened her eyes and she let go of her and took a step back to let the girl get down off the chair. 'I'll just turn the stuff on the stove down so it doesn't boil over, I'll be in there in a moment, okay?'

Jessie nodded again, soberly leaving the kitchen and heading into the living room. She headed over to the couch, sitting down and curling her legs up underneath her. She couldn't even really describe what had happened to her. One moment she was fine, just trying to keep it together and the next she was a sobbing mess. She had broken from the stress, trying to hold herself together was exhausting. She sighed, moving around so her weight was on her other hip. It wasn't a surprise to her that she'd broken down like that really, she knew it had been building up for sometime.

'Okay, dinner is taken care of.' The woman said softly as she walked in, taking a seat down beside the girl. She looked at her tenderly, the girl looked so troubled and haunted. There was something in her eyes, something that she hadn't wanted to see again. It was the same look in her eyes she'd had not long after the second time she'd been in the hospital when the girl had been so broken and upset. It ran deep to her soul seeing her like this. It stirred her mothering instincts. There was nothing she wanted more than to help her, to take away her pain and make everything right for her again. 'What's been happening honey? What's been going on?'

'I don't know.' She replied. 'I don't know what happened. Everything's been fine and then-' Her voice was barely above a whisper, she couldn't even look at her she was so embarrassed. 'I feel so stupid Lisa, I should be able to control my own emotions for crying out loud.'

'Honey, it's because you've been controlling them for too long.' Lisa gently replied, taking the girls slim hand in hers. 'You can't keep them bottled up inside you, you have to let them go as they come. Tell me what's been happening my girl, I've got all the time in the world to listen to you.'

'I've been going so good.' She sniffled, wiping her eyes with the back of her free hand. 'It's been like a dream come true being able to stay at Heartland, with you, Jack. The trip on the weekend was the best weekend of my entire life. For a while I was able to forget, forget my memories.' She paused, the woman squeezing her hand gently. When she had composed herself she continued. 'I don't know what triggered it but for the last couple of days I can't get Robert out of my mind.'

The woman nodded, listening to what she was saying. 'What are you thinking about, about him?'

'What happened right before he died.' She managed to get out with a slight crack in her tone. 'I've been trying not to think of it because I'm trying to not live in the past but today when I tried to help Jack and he was slightly harsh when he refused it brought back memories. It was so stupid, I shouldn't have overreacted. Jack didn't do anything wrong. He's a good man, I trust him. He's been trying so hard with me, helping me-'

'Jessie, slow down honey. Take a deep breath. You're getting worked up again.' She cautioned gently, waiting for the girl to do as she asked. Jessie closed her eyes and took a deep breath and she nodded to let her know to continue once she was calm again.

'He didn't know. It was just the last straw, my memories overwhelmed me because of that trigger.'

'Him refusing to let you help him get on Paint was a trigger?' Lisa asked gently, trying to piece everything together. The girl nodded again. 'What was it a trigger of?'

'Robert never let me help him, never let me take care of him.' The girl paused, trying to find the words to say. 'After- After Lillian died, he started drinking. At first he'd only have a drink before bed to help him sleep but overtime it kept getting worse and worse. He was getting older too, he refused to take care of himself. Things got worse. I had to carry the lion's share of the work around the place just so I could eat and keep the place somewhat together.'

'How old were you?'

'Around ten when it got really bad. I don't know exactly, time wasn't the main thing on my mind.' Jessie fidgeted with a loose thread on her shirt. 'He even stopped going into town for supplies, the only thing he cared about was his drinking and he'd drive to another town to get his whisky since he couldn't get what he drank in Pike River. He drove away the few people that he kept in contact with till he was alone. Old, drunk and alone.'

'And you were the only one to take care of you.'

She nodded. 'I had to. He wasn't going to. He loved Lillian with all his heart, he was a good man but going to the bottle to solve his problems that was the worst thing he could have done. He seemed to forget that he still had me, he didn't care about me. It didn't matter to him that I still needed someone, that I wanted him to love me and look after me. I was only little for god's sake. I shouldn't have been the one trying to look after him.' Tears were filling her eyes again and she wiped her cheeks again, trying to pull herself together. 'I had no one but him and he didn't care. I tried so hard to help him, I would keep the house clean, I'd do all the cooking and the hunting, I kept the little farm we had going, I did everything while he sat drinking the rest of his life away.'

'It's okay honey.' Lisa motioned for her to come closer and the girl snuggled up to her as she placed her arms around her. She kissed her gently, resting her cheek on her head. The girl had said little bits and pieces of her past but she'd never mentioned any of this before. Her heart went out to her. From what she could gather she'd turned into an adult overnight when Lillian had died. She couldn't remember how old she said she was when that happened, was she nine? Anyway it didn't matter. She shouldn't have had to go through that. 'Keep going when you're ready honey, I'm right here.'

The girl stopped crying after a few moments, pulling herself together again as she leaned against her. 'I-I tried to help him. I tried to take care of him but he kept pushing me away. I wanted so hard to help him, I wanted things to go back the way they had been before Lillian died. I wanted a normal life again. I wanted the real him back. He just couldn't see that I needed him.'

Jessie paused again, biting her lip for a second then continued once she'd been able to get the crack of breaking out of her voice. 'The last time we spoke, we argued. I'd had enough of the drinking, of him being drunk. I was at my breaking point.' The memories started playing over in her mind again like she was watching them play out in a movie. Why are you so stubborn sometimes? She yelled. 'Why won't you let me help? 'I yelled at him, I got angry with him because he was pushing me away again. I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have yelled at him.' I don't 'need' your help. Robert snarled, pouring himself another drink. I'm just fine. 'I just wanted to help him.' You're not fine. She insisted, snatching the bottle off the table. It's been two years. She's gone Robert, you need to let her go. 'We yelled at each other, I took the bottle of whisky he had off the table and threw it against the wall. I was so angry, angry at him, angry at his drinking. He wouldn't do anything to help himself.' I care about you, I want to help you. 'I tried again to get through to him but he wouldn't listen.' I don't need you. I don't need your help. She could still remember the slap he gave her, her cheek stung just from the memory of it. 'He hit me.' Her voice was wavering again as she struggled to stay in the present and not be taken by the memories of the past. 'I just wanted to help him and he hit me.'

'Oh honey.' Sorrow filled her heart listening to the girl's tale. You poor child. She could imagine how that action would have crushed the girl. Just listening to her she knew the whole reason the girl was trying to help him. You were trying to help him so he would love you. All her life she'd been trying to find a father figure that would love her, she wanted that of that man and he had let her down. She felt angry at the girl revealing he'd hit her but Jack's words played over in her mind. Getting angry wouldn't help her. She needed her to be there for her, she didn't need her to be angry. 'So when Jack said he didn't want help you just couldn't handle it any longer, you couldn't hold it back.'

She nodded. 'How can I trust him when I trusted Robert and he treated me like that?'

'Jack would never hurt you honey.' She could see the vulnerability and fear in the girl's eyes. Was it really a surprise the way she had been treated? 'He would never ever hurt you.'

'I thought Robert wouldn't hit me either but I was wrong.' Jessie's voice cracked as she struggled to hold herself together again. 'After that I ran and didn't look back. I took off with Warrior, I didn't return until night. When I did come back he was still in his chair, drinking another bottle. I can still remember the way he looked at me, his eyes were red and glazed, like he was possessed by something. We never spoke to each other again. I took my rifle and things and fled to the mountains to go hunting. When I returned, I found him.'

Jessie cautiously halted Warrior outside the cabin, patting his shoulder as she glanced around. The stallion nudged the top of her boot and she ran her hand over his coat. 'I'll be okay boy.' She assured him then dismounted, grabbing her rifle from the scabbard. She had decided she was going to apologise to Robert for the way she'd been. She knew she'd pushed too far, that was why he had acted the way he had. She'd pushed him too far. He hadn't meant to really hit her. It was just a mistake.

She headed up the stairs, pushing the door open and looked in. Everything was dark and as she looked around she could see there were things out of place. Something wasn't right. 'Robert? Robert?' She asked as she cautiously took a step in, wondering what had happened. She pulled her rifle close against her as she took another step then the smell of blood and rotting flesh reached her nostrils. She looked down at the floor.

Robert was lying on the ground, the floorboard soaked with his blood. She dropped her rifle as she ran forward, falling to her knees beside him. Her hand went frantically to his throat to check for a pulse but even before she touched his skin she knew he was dead. She just had to know for certain. His skin was cold and clammy as he lay face down on the ground. Tears started to flow down her cheeks. He was gone. As she turned him over his open eyes stared at her, boring holes in her and she had to look away. A thousand thoughts raced through her mind. Why? Who? What had happened? Then, her eyes fell on the note laying beside his body.

'My father killed him.' She sobbed. 'I should have stayed. I shouldn't have been there to look after him but I was off nursing my hurt feelings. I never got to say goodbye. Our last words were angry words. Our last words were us arguing.'

'Jessie, honey, none- none of this at all is your fault.' Lisa replied gently but with loving firmness. 'Jessie, both of those men made their choices. You had no control over them. You did the best you could, you tried to look after him, you tried to help him. In the end it was up to him. You couldn't change who he really was. If he really loved you and cared for you he would have been there for you, he would have cared for you. It should never ever have been up to you to look after yourself sweetheart. You did what you had to do. You tried your best. That was all you could have done.'

'Your right.' Jessie finally admitted after a long pause, letting what she had said sink in. Lisa was right. 'He never loved me. He said sometimes that he did but his actions didn't match his words. I always wanted to please him, to do my best for him to earn his love but it wasn't enough.'

'You can't earn someone's love Jessie, no matter how hard you try. If you have to try to make someone love you then that person doesn't deserve you. Love should be unconditional, it should never have to be earnt.'

'I feel bad for speaking of him like this.' She did, it was the reason why she hadn't said much about him before. She had wanted to keep her view of him as it was, she didn't want to see him for what he really was. 'I know he was a good man, he really loved Lillian and-'

'Jessie, I know you try and convince yourself that he was good but honey-' She stroked the girl's cheek gently. 'Honey you need to let it go. You need to let him go, you need to let go of your image of him and see him for what he was. From what you said of him sweetheart, he was almost as bad as your father and Howard-'

'He wasn't like that. He only hit me that once.'

'He might have only hit you once sweetheart but he wasn't giving you the love and nurturing a child of your age needed-'

'I know.' She interrupted. 'He was emotionally and mentally abusing me. I know.'

Lisa was slightly taken aback by the girl's bluntness but the girl had said exactly what she was going to say. 'What makes you say that?'

'I was doing some reading. I guess I came to that conclusion a long time ago but never had the guts to actually say it outloud. I guess I thought if I didn't actually speak it it wasn't true.' She bit the cuticle of her nails without thinking. 'Is Jack okay?'

'Jack is just fine, he was more worried about you.'

She smiled bashfully, still looking down. 'I really feel bad about what happened. He had no way of knowing what I was going through. If he did I know he wouldn't have said what he did. Jack has been very good to me. A lot of other guys wouldn't be so patient and understanding.'

'No, your right honey. Jack is definitely one in a million.'

'Can I call him after dinner?' Jessie asked after a moment. 'I need to apologise. I need to talk to him.'

'Sure honey.' She smiled, tucking a lock of the girl's hair behind her ear. 'Do you feel better now getting that off your chest?'

'Yeah.' The girl nodded. 'Thank you Lisa. I really needed this.'

'I know you did honey. Anytime sweetheart, you know I'm always going to be here for you. You're going to be okay, you know that?'

'I do.' She smiled, this time a genuine smile. 'Thanks Lisa.' The sound of the timer going off in the kitchen reached her ears and she glanced around. 'You know what, I've actually got an appetite. Is dinner ready?'

Lisa chuckled, glad that the girl was asking to eat something. 'Let's go see, shall we?'