Actions speak louder than words.
Louder than words.
Houstwift Canon Divergent.
.::.
Sitting at the bar in her kitchen she keeps staring at the text.
He's leaving.
He's truly leaving town and never coming back.
That's not what was supposed to happen, she thought maybe one day they would be able to at least be friends or have a chance but she can't go to Seattle, she can't uproot her entire life, his leaving changes everything.
She doesn't think it's the best idea but she can't help it, she calls him. He answers pretty quickly, simply saying hi. "Are you really leaving?" she asks, there's no reason why he would be lying but she needs to hear it.
"Yes." He says, "I just- you made it clear that you can't be with me and without you…" He takes a break, breathes in and out. "I have nothing holding me back here."
"That's fair," she replies, and god she didn't think she could be hurting more than she had before when it comes to him but she is, she is hurting so much. "Are you going to be happy?"
That's all that matters to her.
She wants him to be happy, if him being happy means moving to Seattle then she'll support it. Even if it kills her inside.
"I don't know," He answers, truthfully. "I will have my son, that's going to make me happy but…" He sighs, "I'm going to need time to move on before I can even try to be really happy."
On her hand, she knows she won't be able to, hasn't been able to in 5 years including the years she spent without him so she knows she's going to need some time too.
Inside, a selfish part of her doesn't want him to move on, doesn't want him to be happy. That selfish part of her wants him to love her for the rest of his life but that would be awfully unfair.
It is time to put him first. "I hope you find happiness." She says as her voice cracks. "You deserve it."
He thanks her and after wishing him a safe trip, she hangs up, eyes filled with tears. Again.
It shouldn't matter, she made her choice yet him leaving town just makes it more real, more definitive and maybe that's why it hurts so much.
That's how Leo finds her a few minutes later when he gets down.
She tries so hard to hide her red eyes, pretend like everything's alright and put on a smile but he's her son, he knows her. "Mom? What's going on?"
"Nothing," she says, "It doesn't matter." She busies herself pouring her tea and finishing getting the table ready.
Leo still pushes though, "I can clearly see that something's wrong, you've been off and sad all week and now you're about to start crying while preparing breakfast, what's going on?"
She thought she was doing a better job at hiding it, but apparently not. She can't tell him though, she told him she'd let Michael go and she knows he'll just get incredibly pissed if he knows she still has feelings for him. "Leo, trust me, I'm fine. You should eat your breakfast before you're late for school."
She takes her tea and busies herself cleaning up the house before she has to get ready for rehearsals, trying to distract herself from the pain.
.::.
The distraction works for a while, rehearsals are going well and they're going to leave for Boston next week.
It makes her smile how the closer they get to the first preview, the crazier Derek is getting. It shouldn't, he's being terrible and the cast is probably going to lose their minds if he keeps going down that road but from her point of view, she has to admit it's amusing to watch him.
Given the mood she's in, it's good that she has this to make her smile.
She's been sad and moody all week, has been able to keep up with her writing since it's the only thing that could distract her but she hasn't been herself and she knows it.
Today's significantly worse though and Tom noticed, has been telling her a few times to knock it off. He waits until lunch to corner her, when he does she knows she's going to have to talk to him. "Okay, want to tell me what's going on?"
Her first instinct to deny it is cut short when she hears Ted sing Lexington in the next room.
This was supposed to be Michael's song.
Michael was supposed to be here, with her.
But he's not, because she ruined everything and now he's leaving.
Forever.
Before she starts crying, she shakes her head. "Can we go? I can't- not here." She says looking pointedly at the door the music is coming from.
Tom nods and they take the elevator, deciding that they would go to his place.
.::.
"How are things going? With Paul?" She asks when they get there.
Tom chuckles bitterly and oh, that does not sound good. "He broke up with me."
She's surprised. Things seemed to be going okay between them, has she really been paying this little attention to him lately? "What happened?"
"He said I have feelings for Sam." he replies, looking down at his hands, "It's not entirely wrong, nothing happened but…"
"You're attracted to him." She knows the feeling all too well sadly because this is exactly what happened between her and Michael.
Tom nods, "Yeah." He sighs, "But I'm not sure what to do about it yet so I don't want to dwell on it, what's going on with you?"
He doesn't talk much about his feelings, she gets it, she usually doesn't either except this time the feelings are so big when it comes to Michael that she feels like she has to. "Michael's leaving."
"What do you mean?" He asks.
"He's going to Seattle, Monica offered to let him go there and see his son so they can work something out. He's leaving in three days." Tom smiles.
Of course he does, it sounds like amazing news and it made her happy at first too. It's what Michael wanted, it's what she wanted for him too.
Yet… "He's not coming back." She continues, "He texted me this morning, he's moving there."
His smile fades, there it is. He knows it's hurting her, she doesn't need to say it, she already told him how she felt about Michael.
"Are you okay?" She's definitely not.
But this was not to complain, this was not because she's realizing she might have made a mistake, this was just to explain. "No," She says, "But he made his choice, he couldn't stay there knowing we couldn't be together."
Tom seems to think for a second before replying. "Did you ask him to come back?"
Why should she? Again, she doesn't deserve it. "I can't ask him to stay here and wait for something that might never happen." He even said he couldn't, she can't do that to him.
Tom sits in front of her then, taking her hands in his, sighing. "I'm going to say something that I should've said last week, I'm not sure if you're ready to hear it but you're running out of time so."
She looks at him, curious to see where this is going. "You already chose him."
What- that's not- she didn't- "I didn't, I broke up with him." She's getting defensive, tries to remove her hands from his but he doesn't let go.
"You already chose him, Julia." He's talking nonsense, absolute complete nonsense- "You chose him when you first started sleeping with him. You chose him when you did it again. You chose him when you met up with him after Frank found out, knowing how risky it was. You chose him again when you decided to let him go for what you think is best for him."
She's stunned.
Absolutely, completely stunned.
She can't speak or move, realization hitting her like a truck.
He's absolutely right, she already chose him.
She still needs to talk to Frank and it doesn't change the fact that she can't be with him unless she's 100% sure Leo is going to be fine.
But she's realizing that she already did forgive herself enough to be with him.
Her actions spoke louder than her words.
The guilt is probably never going away but she essentially was with him and she was okay.
Tom's not done though, "And I can't say it thrills me, or that you guys didn't do anything wrong but you clearly love each other, you've loved each other for 6 years."
That part she knew, doesn't need convincing anymore.
"If that man truly loves you," and he does, she knows he does. He left his wife for her and risked his son. He loves her. "Then losing the woman he loves is not what's best for him. Specifically if Monica is ready to work something out."
She remembers the pain, the sadness and the heartbreak in his eyes she could see every time she left him, more intense and present every time.
Tom's right.
Michael seemed so happy when he found for a minute that he could have her and get his son back, it was probably the happiest she saw him in weeks. Before that, the happiest she saw him was also when he could have both.
"You made a mistake." It seems Tom is hell-bent on telling her everything she needed to hear for weeks but refused to listen. "You both did, you paid for it and you're still going to." Their marriages are ending, yes they are. "But it doesn't mean that you should stay miserable for the rest of your lives."
Maybe not. Maybe it's not all black and white, maybe….
Maybe.
She's been listening to him so intensely she doesn't even realize tears are falling from her eyes until he whips them away.
For the first time ever, she feels hope that maybe she and Michael could actually be together. Maybe they wouldn't need to hide.
But she can't do that, there's one big issue that is the most important thing in her life. "Leo." She whispers, "I can't do that if it hurts him."
He's already hurt, she knows but she can't hurt him even more than he already is.
"Talk to him." Tom replies, "That boy adores you, he will want you to be happy."
"Which is exactly why I can't talk to him about this," Her voice is getting a bit louder and more steady now. "He's going to pretend he's fine when he's not because he doesn't want to hurt me."
Tom sighs, she's got a point. "And besides," She continues, "How would I even talk to him about this? Hey Leo I want to be with the man I destroyed our family with, how would you love that?!" Her voice is filled with bitterness and sarcasm. She's not wrong though, how would she even begin to talk to him about this?
"Maybe you should open your heart to him." She chuckles, it sounds so easy to say and so hard to do.
The problem is now that she has hope, now that this is the last reason she has not to ask Michael to come back, she finds herself wanting to try.
God, why did he have to put these ideas into her head?
"Maybe I should try that." She finds herself saying. She'll follow whatever Leo feels like, obviously, if he's not comfortable she'll back off and won't ever mention it again…
Or she can just not bring it up.
Play it safe and just stick to her word, Michael might still not forgive her anyway…
Her damn heart though is beating faster and now that there's hope fueling it… Maybe it could be worth it, maybe it could be the beginning of a good life with Michael.
Maybe it's worth trying.
She knows what she wants, she's not sure yet what she'll do but she knows what she wants.
.::.
Frank finding that song and then finding out it wasn't the first time she had cheated on him had been so chaotic, so unexpected that none of them had actually thought things through.
He was staying somewhere else, which means that he got back to the house the next day he rang the bell and waited for her to open the door.
It just felt wrong.
They had been living there for almost 16 years now, moved there from their little apartment when she got her first gig as a writer. Both of them wanted to get a nice house to be able to raise Leo in and maybe, hopefully, more kids.
That's not going to happen anymore.
It's getting dark out when he gets there and when she opens the door she smiles at him, he seems better. "You don't have to ring the bell, this is still your house." She says as she opens the door.
The house is in both of their names and they're going to need to figure out what they're going to do with it, does one of them keep it? If yes, who? If not, are they just going to sell it? The idea of that, selling the house and the memories of the life they've built together just feels wrong.
Their marriage might be over but she doesn't regret it, never would.
She still cares about him so much and she had a good life with him, knowing it's ending, even if it's for the best, still hurts.
"I was thinking we could have dinner, while we talk?" She offers, taking his jacket to hang it. Just where he used to hang it himself.
"Dinner?" He says, looking at her smiling lightly, "Now if you cook we're not going to, no."
She laughs softly at that.
He sounds less angry, less upset and she likes that. Likes that they can share a laugh, even for just a second.
When they reach the kitchen, as they had done before for so many years, they start preparing dinner together. It's just for them tonight though, knowing it would be for the best, Leo went to spend the night at his best friend's place so they could talk. He shouldn't be here for this.
Frank cuts and cooks while she sets the table and gets him everything he needs.
It feels like old time, sort of, yet it's not.
She wants to have a quiet night, hopes this won't end in yells and tears.
She sits at the bar, looks at him cutting the vegetables and tells him. "I think we need to make a decision."
"I think we made it." He simply says, smiling sadly.
She returns his sad smile.
They agree then.
One of them needs to say it so it makes it real, her brain is still having difficulty processing the whole thing. Since she's the one responsible for their downfall, she decides to take her courage between her hands. "I think our marriage is over." She simply says.
He nods at that, "Yeah, I think it is." It sounds so formal, so sad.
"I'm so sorry," She says again, and she probably needs to stop apologizing so much but she can't help it.
This time though, when she says it, she can see that he is listening. He is hearing her.
The time they spend apart might have been what they needed after all.
He puts the knife down and looks at her sighing. "Can I ask you something?"
"Anything." She owes it to him.
"How did it start?" She wasn't expecting him to want to know to be honest.
She doesn't want to fight, she hurt him enough and this would just upset him even more than he already was. If tonight is their last evening together as a married couple they should remember it as a quiet evening and a nice dinner. "I don't think-"
"Please," He interrupts her, "I don't need every detail just… I need to know what happened."
After all these years, she was expecting that he would need that and she figures she owes him. What he needs to process is more important than her not wanting to fight. "I met him for the first time years before you knew I did." He seems surprised, she gets it. "It was some event I went to with Tom, the premiere of a new show."
At the time, she hadn't been paying attention to him. She always found him handsome but never let herself really pay attention. "For a few years we would just bump into each other and it truly wasn't anything more than just exchanging a few words."
He nods at that, he seems to trust her. To be fair, at this point she has no reason to lie to him anymore. "We then cast him for Ready Money and we just started talking more, we got closer and it was getting harder to pretend nothing was happening."
This is the part she doesn't want to get more detailed about, she doesn't think it'll be any good to tell him about how Michael had been incredibly supportive, interested in her and her work. Doesn't think he would appreciate how she talked to him about how frustrated she was with Frank at the time for always asking her to take a step back from her job. "Things were not the greatest between us at the time," she settles on saying, "I tried staying away but after a while…" She takes a deep breath, knowing these words were about to hurt him. "I just couldn't."
Frank smiles bitterly, she can tell it's hurting him yet he's putting on a brave face. "You fell in love with him."
There's no point in hiding or denying it anymore, might as well just be honest. "Yes. But it's not because I didn't love you," she almost whispers. She does love him, she was married to him for 18 years. "I just didn't love you the right way."
There are tears in her eyes as she says it, she's grateful to know Michael and the way she felt with him… she can't regret that, ever. Yet at the moment… "It's over though, with him it's.. it's over." She doesn't know why she's telling him that. They're over too anyway, yet she finds herself wanting to tell him.
"It's not though, is it?" The confusion must be written all over her face because he genuinely chuckles. "Leo told me what happened."
Oh.
She should've expected it.
What Leo doesn't know though is that she has made the choice to let him go, most of it for reasons she now regrets, now understands she was wrong about but not everything. She's still too scared to lose Leo to bring it up. So yes, it is over. "It is," She says, "He's leaving New York. Permanently."
She would expect Frank to smile, laugh, gloat. She would deserve it.
Yet he doesn't. He reaches over and gives her hand a squeeze. "It must be hurting you, I'm sorry."
She's surprised to see that he seems to genuinely feel bad for her, he shouldn't, of all people he's the one who deserves to enjoy the fact that Michael is leaving the most.
He returns to preparing the food so she barely hears what he says next. "I'm not ready to forgive you yet." She looks down then, understands. "But I can't hate you either, I don't enjoy your suffering."
She meets his eyes and realizes that he means it. He doesn't hate her. "I think we can, have to, still be a team. For Leo."
"Yes," She replies, "He should come first."
They're on the same page it seems, it feels nice. Sad, bitter, but somehow also peaceful and nice.
During dinner, he talks to her about how his job is going, she tells him about Bombshell and their struggles with Rebecca.
They talk a bit about him wanting to move out, how he would want Leo to stay here but would like to see him as well and they decide that he would spend his weekends with him if he wants to.
He almost found a new place, he's going to visit the apartment tomorrow actually and she finds herself hoping it works out. He agrees to let her keep the house, she's the one who found it in the first place and fell in love with it first anyway.
Not everything gets sorted out but she feels like this evening is what they needed and they can now start the official process of ending their marriage on cordial terms.
They will be okay.
.::.
That night when Leo gets home, he doesn't really ask her how dinner with Frank went.
He's always been an observant kid and he probably knows that they didn't discuss how they would get back together.
He gives her a hug though, the first one he's given her, accepted even, since she told him they were firing Michael.
It feels like an eternity ago given how crazy things have been since, so she closes her eyes and squeezes him tight.
She makes them a salad and grilled cheese while he unpacks and she almost burns herself, completely unfocused.
When dinner's ready he joins her at the table, she can tell his anger at her has softened by the way he tells her bits and pieces about his day, about his ideas for college and his future and she feels so emotional.
He's growing up way too fast for her liking.
When he asks her how she is though, she doesn't know how to answer.
On one hand, she feels better than she has in weeks, feels lighter now that she and Frank had been able to talk and start to heal.
On the other hand, though, Michael is leaving tomorrow and it's killing her.
She misses him so much, stays haunted by the possibilities she won't let herself have and the heartbreak of knowing that tomorrow he'll be gone, he'll be gone for good.
"I'm okay." She says, doesn't want to worry or upset her son, putting on her mask of pretense.
"You're not though." He replies, looking at her like he knows, she's not really that obvious is she? "I talked to Tom." He shrugs.
He- what- Her face falls. "You- talked to Tom?" What even would Tom say to him, a million questions are running through her head.
"You seemed off and sad all week Mom," He doesn't look at her and just keeps his eyes on his plate. "And then two days ago it just got even worse so I called him."
So she had been that obvious apparently. She looks down too, ashamed that she hadn't been able to protect her son from the mess that is her life. "What did Tom say?" She's scared. So scared.
"He said Michael is leaving town." God, he knows. Part of her wants to kill Tom, what if Leo gets too upset this time? He doesn't look like it, she's just really scared. "He said you love him but you let him go."
"It's true," she says, barely above a whisper. "I did."
Leo seems to think for a minute before he speaks again. "He said you let him go because you were too scared of losing me, because you didn't think you deserve to be happy."
She's definitely killing Tom.
Those are her private thoughts and feelings, he shouldn't say that to her son, she won't have him feel guilty for her mistakes. "He shouldn't have talked to you about that."
"No, I insisted." That actually doesn't surprise her, she knows her son is a curious boy and he would want to know what's wrong with her, he cares about her. "Is that how you feel?"
She's torn, she wants to be honest and talk to her son, he's old enough and she always did talk to him about the importance of honesty but should she? Should she be this honest with him? "Yes." Is all she decides to say.
"I want you to be happy." He responds, moving his chair a bit closer to her. "I love you Mom, and I'm still…" He takes a deep breath then, making her realize that he's not completely over everything yet. "I'm still upset, but I want you to be happy." His eyes are shining and her heart starts pounding.
"You won't lose me." He says softly.
Her vision is blurry, tears filling her eyes and for a second she feels like her heart might explode in her chest.
She doesn't dare say anything, doesn't even know what she'd say. "I'm not ready for the family dinners yet, but…" He's still going and she hears him, she does; she just doesn't feel like it's real. "You were ready to sacrifice your happiness for me, you shouldn't. I'll be fine."
"I can't do that to you." She whispers.
Against her wishes, joy and hope start filling her heart but she shouldn't, she can't force her son to accept Michael when they ruined his family.
He doesn't seem to agree. "Mom, I promise you I'll be fine." His hand is still squeezing hers and she can barely believe this is happening. "Give me time, but don't let him move. Not for me."
This is- God this is giving her hope. This makes her want to listen, this makes her want to try to see if Michael can forgive her.
"You're my son," she replies, "You're my first priority any time."
He smiles softly at that. "I know. So listen to me, if you love him, go get him."
She does. She does love Michael.
She looks deep into her son's eyes, trying to find traces of doubt but she can't. He means it. "Mom, go. Go to him."
He says that as he pulls on her hand, forcing her to move and it's what she needs to get on her feet.
She won't lose Leo.
Leo will be fine.
She wants to be with Michael and now, if she can make things right and he still wants her, she can be.
She needs to go see him.
Tonight, before he leaves tomorrow.
She should go.
Before taking any steps though, she looks at her son. "Are you sure? I'm not doing it if there's any part of you that can't forgive me for it."
Leo just chuckles lightly. "Mom, I told you, I'll be fine. Go."
And that's all she needs.
She hugs her son as tight as she can for a minute. "Thank you." She whispers in his ear, gives him a quick kiss on the cheek. He hugs her back, she loves him so much. He's so kind to her.
Then she puts her shoes back on, her coat and takes her keys.
And then she runs.
.::.
When she reaches his place she hesitates for a second.
She hurt him, she broke up with him when he risked everything to be with her, risked losing his son.
What if he doesn't want her anymore?
What if he's too mad or upset to forgive her?
Should she risk it?
She imagines for a second, just one, what life with him would look like. Imagines herself waking up in his arms, going through the everyday routine together.
Her heart fills with joy, she knows she wants that.
It's risky but she loves him too much to not try now that she knows Leo will be alright.
So she knocks.
She waits for a second, two, a minute.
It feels like an eternity.
But then he opens the door, shock coloring his beautiful face. Her heart speeds up, so much she's once again scared it might explode. "Julia?" He asks, "what are you-"
"Come back." It's been on the tip of her tongue ever since she left her house, she can't hold it in any longer. "Go get your son, work things out but come back." His face just shows more and more surprise. "Come back to me."
It takes him a few seconds to recover, to find the words. "What are you doing? You broke up with me, I'm leaving tomorrow Julia, what-"
"I know, I know," She interrupts him, "I shouldn't have, I love you." If there ever is a moment to pour your heart out, it's now or never, isn't it? "I love you so much, I was wrong, I shouldn't have ended things." She sees his eyes melt, his guard is still up but he's listening. "Please don't move to Seattle."
He's still hesitating though, seems lost and confused, "I told you I can't do this anymore, how do I know you won't end things again? how do I know this is for real?"
That's more than fair, things are different this time though. "I talked to Frank." He's back to being surprised, "We're getting a divorce." A smile appears on her face. She's free now, free to do what she wants. She knows it won't be enough though because she already told him she wasn't going back to Frank last week. "I talked to Leo as well," she adds, because he knows that was one of her biggest worries. Her biggest obstacle. "He will be fine. He wants some time but… he's okay. He will be okay."
If her hands weren't slightly shaking, if her heart was pounding and if she wasn't feeling so many emotions all at once she would laugh at the shock on his face.
He didn't expect her to go back on her words.
He might have thought that she'd let him go but she never wanted to, it was killing her inside.
It takes him again a few seconds to respond, still too stunned to react straight away. When he does respond, it's with a voice barely above a whisper, "It's real?"
Maybe he feels like he's dreaming, but it is. It truly is.
She takes the step separating them and puts her hands on his cheeks. "It's real." She whispers too, "I love you."
For a second she leans in, wanting to seal her words with a kiss but it might be too soon, he might not be ready for that yet so she doesn't. Simply puts her forehead against his, breathing in for a second.
It takes her back to that night, the one he stopped her from walking away from him.
The night she realized she loves him.
"I do feel it," She whispers, "the love between us, It's here and I want to experience it for as long as possible." He asked her back then if she did feel it and she hadn't been able to really say it but now she can.
He puts his hands on her arms and takes her hands off his face.
For a second she panics, she's terrified he's going to push her away.
She scans his face, she thinks she can see him smile softly, thinks she can see the love in his eyes but she's not sure.
He intertwines their hands though and pulls her inside and she smiles as she takes a few steps in.
She's still smiling when she turns to him and he closes the door.
She's still smiling when he looks at her, still a bit shocked but with love filling his eyes.
And when he crosses the few steps separating them and kisses her, she's still smiling through the kiss.
His hands are in her hair as she wraps her arms around his neck and a thousand butterflies are dancing in her stomach.
They stay there for a minute, holding each other and feeling their hearts beat to the same rhythm.
It's him who breaks the contact first, still caressing her hand. "Did you have dinner?" He asks.
With all the emotions she's been experiencing since she talked to Leo, it actually takes her a second to think about it before she replies. "Yes, I did," she replies. "I can go though, if you want some time to think?" She recognise that this was really sudden so it would only be fair if he did.
But he just holds her hand tighter. "No please, stay." She decides she will.
Leo is 16 years old, dinner has been done, she knows he can handle a night alone and he's still leaving tomorrow, she did ask him to come back but she's not sure he will.
Frankly she also just wants to.
So she nods, smiles at him and after texting Leo to tell him she'll be home in the morning, he takes her jacket and purse to hang them.
For the rest of the evening, they first decide to sit on his couch, discussing everything that happened in the past week. He turns the tv on, some random game is airing but they're not paying attention to it.
When they get tired, he offers her one of his shirts to change into and she likes it. It smells like him.
"I'll come back." He whispers as they lay in bed in each other's arms.
Instantly, she smiles. "Thank you." She says, raising her head to look at him.
His only reply is to kiss her. She still is having trouble processing that this is not one of her dreams, they can actually do that now. It's what prompts her to pull him on top of her.
For a while he keeps kissing her, even lets his kisses fall to her neck and his hands wander on her stomach, her naked legs. She lets hers wander on his back, but then he stops.
He breaks the kiss and pulls back just enough so she can't chase his lips for more.
They're both a bit breathless when he does, yet they're both smiling. "I think we should take it slow," Her face falls and he notices, knows she's scared, so he continues. "I'm coming back, I want to be with you, it's just…" He's scared.
After everything she put him through, he's still not totally sure he can trust that she's not going to run away again, it's fair.
All she hoped was for him to give them a chance, and he is, she'll give him as much time as he needs. She nods and squeezes his hand again.
That night they fall asleep in each other arms again but their hearts are light, filled with joy and beating as one.
It's the beginning of the rest of their lives.