Resting her head in her arms on her desk just for a moment too compose herself, JJ closed her eyes. Just giving herself a moment too feel. How can I do this? How can I go back and visit that life without losing myself? JJ thought too herself.
She felt a familiar fog start to overcome her brain and her chest started to tighten. JJ quickly sat up rubbing her hands over her desk surface and her feet on the floor trying to ground herself. I am safe, it is not happening right now, that is the past and this is the present the blonde coached herself.
It had been almost 5 years since she's last had a flash back and the nightmares were still, they're occasionally on certain dates throughout the year or on a particularly hard case. But she had learnt to manage them when they did happen. She knew with this can of worms opening all those nightmares, flashbacks, and images she battled through were going to come back with a vengeance.
JJ stood from her desk taking a deep breath and headed out of her office. She stopped at the double glass doors looking over her team, no they weren't her team they had become her family. How am I going to do this? How am I going to tell them everything they know about me is a lie. They're going to hate me for what I've done.
Morgan looked up from his desk and noticed JJ as she pushed through the glass doors into the main room of the BAU
"Hey Jayje." Morgan stood from his desk asking his blonde friend as she got to the group "How you doing?"
"Honestly? I don't know." She had her arms wrapped tightly around her middle for protection and didn't look up from the carpeted floor. She wasn't going to lie to them anymore. She had been doing it for so long. Keeping those Skellington's in her closet was exhausting, and she didn't have the physical or mental capacity to do it anymore. Soon they were going to find out how broken, weak, and disgusting she was anyway, what was the point.
"Erm Hotch" JJ turned towards her boss but refused to look him in the eye "I was wondering if I could get some time off? Please"
"Strauss has given us all a few weeks off." JJ looked up at him for the first time since she walked into the room with a confused stare on her face so he continued answering her unasked question "Strauss said you might need our support." Hotch put a reassuring hand on JJ shoulder. He could see in JJ's eyes that she wasn't the same woman he was talking to that morning. Her eyes seemed to dull a little.
"Oh right ok…" JJ looked at the rest of the team. This is really going to suck She thought too herself and just wanted to get this week over with as fast as possible.
"Listen guys I…" JJ was stopped by Rossi's hand on her shoulder and Hotch shaking his head at her.
"You don't have to tell us anything till your ready JJ." Hotch said then Rossi continued "And we will all be right here when you are."
You have no idea what you're talking about, you won't be here for much longer the dark voice inside her head explained to a scared JJ.
JJ looked around at the rest of her family and they all nodded in agreement. Garcia Took a few cautious steps over to JJ with tears in her eyes and pulled her best friend into a bone crushing hug. Tears filled her eyes again, but she pushed them back. She couldn't break down not right now, there was too much to do.
"What's happening next JJ?" Emily asked as she and Garcia pulled apart.
"Erm, I've just called some friends and they said it was ok to burry Jess up at Horizon but there's someone I have to see first."
"What's Horizon JJ?" Reid asked. It was an unsaid rule between the team not to profile each other but under the circumstances all the profilers were indeed profiling the blonde.
"It's the school Jess and I went to as teenagers" a small smile crossed JJ's lips remembering the safe place she once lived. She wasn't going to go into detail about the school and what they did there, not yet anyway "She loved it there."
"Ok when do we leave?" Morgan asked pulling out his Go bag from under his desk "And before you say anything baby girl we are ALL coming with you. No arguments"
JJ let out a small chuckle which quickly turned to a frown when she realized that once they all found out what she was, they were never going to want to be round her again let alone make her laugh.
"Erm…Yeah." JJ pushed those thoughts to the back of her mind. She had the Next 24 hours to deal with first "We'll leave this evening. It's a long drive up there and I need to make a stop on the way if that's ok with you all?"
They all nodded in agreement, and Emily took JJ's hand as support.
At 11pm the team found a motel that had enough rooms for all of them. Hotch and Rossi, Morgan and Reid, Emily and Garcia, then lastly JJ who had a room too herself, although Emily insisted that the girl's room be adjoined so they could be there for JJ if she needed them.
As soon as JJ's head hit the pillow, she was asleep, but it didn't last for long, for the first time in a long time the nightmares were back. He was there, she could see his face, hear his voice and feel the pain he was causing the small girl.
JJ woke at almost 2am gasping for breath and sweating. The adjoining door swung open too Emily with gun in hand and Garcia running in making JJ panic even more than she already was.
Emily saw that JJ was alone and safe in her room so holstered the gun in the back of her trousers.
"What happened?! Are you ok?" Garcia gasped out of breath, her eyes scanning the room for what could have made her best friend shout out. Emily didn't need to ask though. She saw the panic and fear on JJ's face and understood.
"Nightmare?" was all Emily asked. JJ just nodded still gasping for breath.
The friends went to take a step towards the bed, but JJ stopped them.
"No. It's fine. I'm ok. Go back to bed" she felt ashamed of the nightmare and that she woke her friends. This worried them even more than they already were.
"Jayje…." Emily took another cautious step towards the blonde.
"Please, really, I'll be ok. We've got another long day tomorrow, please go back to bed" JJ wouldn't meet their gaze, but Emily understood that she wanted to be alone.
"Ok, but if you need us, we will leave the door unlocked" Emily took Garcia's reluctant hand and turned around to walk away closing the door behind them.
Once JJ was sure the door was shut, and her friends were no longer there she sobbed into her hands unable to hold it in anymore.
JJ didn't go back to sleep that night, she didn't want to have another nightmare. So she went for her first shower of the day then spent the rest of the night catching up on work on her laptop desperate for her mind too be occupied by something other than her past and what the next few days will hold.
At some point throughout the night JJ had made her way over to sitting on the bed as the small table and chair became uncomfortable.
She had nodded off whilst working and was woken by her mobile ringing.
"Shit' JJ cursed looking at the clock. It was 7:30am. JJ had managed to get another few hours and this time thankfully it was uninterrupted by nightmares.
"Jareau." She jumped up from the bed starting to get ready.
"Hey Jayje its Em, did I wake you?"
"No. What's up?" JJ gathered her items for another shower.
"I just wanted to make sure you were doing ok and let you know we have to be out of the rooms in 30 minutes."
"I'm fine and I'll meet you at the cars soon." Without another word she snapped her phone closed.
JJ Took a second shower scrubbing her body raw, changed quickly and then went out to the 7 seat SUV.
Emily and Garcia left their room and started to walk to their car just before 8 o'clock. They found Morgan and Rossi leaning against the car wearing casual jeans and button up shirts. Reid stood to their right, looking like Reid in his normal cardigan. The girls walked over with their bags in hand, Emily was wearing a red buttoned up blouse with tight fitting jeans. Garcia wearing her normal brightly coloured dress with a flower in her hair.
"What happened?" Morgan noticed once the girls go closer the look of sadness on their faces.
"I just want to help her" Penelope dropped her bag and walked into Morgan's strong opened arms "it was so heart breaking"
"Ok someone start talking please." Rossi stepped forward.
"JJ had a nightmare in the middle of the night and started shouting" Emily started explaining what happened during the night "we ran in, but she didn't want us there, she practically kicked us out, she then spend the next 45 minutes sobbing until we heard the shower turn on."
"She looked so scared and small in that bed. I just wanted to hold her and make it all go away" Garcia untangled herself from Morgan's embrace.
"Guys she's coming" Reid pushed off the car.
JJ walked out of her room closing the door behind her. She could see the team waiting by the car. She took a deep breath and walked towards them when a hand touched her shoulder making her jump out of her skin.
"Sorry JJ. Are we all set?" Hotch apologised for making her jump and took JJ's bag from her, they continued to car. He was wearing one of his many suits but to seem less formal he wasn't wearing a tie. JJ gave a tired smile as they reached the rest of the group, and everyone started to climb in.
"Right where we heading to?" Hotch put the key in the ignition and the car rumbled.
JJ ruffled round in her jean pocket and pulled out a slip of paper with an address scribbled on it.
"To my mother's" the team could hear the fear in JJ's voice that she was trying to hide. The team looked at JJ with shock and worry as she sighed and looked out the window as the SUV pulled out the parking lot.
3 hours later The SUV pulled up outside an average sized white two floor house on the outskirts of a small town. They all sat in silence waiting for JJ to do or say something. They could see her trembling from the front seat as she looked up at the house with pure fear in her eyes. Emily who was sat in the seat behind JJ lent forward and put a hand on her shoulder making her jump and pull away from Emily's touch. Emily pulled her hand away quickly.
"I'm sorry." JJ whispered as she saw a hint of hurt in her eyes as she looked in the review mirror.
"It's ok Jayje. Do you want one of us to come in with you?" Emily asked with a reassuring smile.
"No, it's ok, I need to do this by myself." JJ undid her seatbelt and opened the door.
"Ok, we'll be right here when you're finished." JJ climbed out of the car and handed another slip of paper over to Hotch.
"That's the address of Horizon, can you have it ready for when I come back?" JJ asked her voice was shaking a little as well as her body.
"Sure" Hotch took the paper "And take your time, we're not going anywhere." JJ gave him a reassuring smile and slammed the door closed.
JJ turned away from the car and up to the house, the one that held most of her nightmares. She took the first step hoping and praying her legs will hold her up. As she reached the steps she wanted to run, to turned round, run back to the car and too never step foot in that house again but she stopped, she had to this for Jess, she didn't want to face the woman that knew everything, but she had no choice. Jess and their mother had a good relationship; they had a relationship that JJ always wanted with their mother. What ever happened to JJ or rather Shelby and Jess their mother had every right to say her last goodbye to her daughter
JJ reached the top of the steps but before knocking she took a few deep breaths trying to settle her nerves and sick feeling in her stomach, shaking her hand JJ knocked. The few seconds that it took for the door to be answered seemed like hours, JJ routed her feet to the ground refusing to let her fear run her away. She could feel the butterflies in her stomach, the hot panic running through her veins. She was scared to see her mother again but most of all she was scared to step foot in that house again.
The old rusty door handle turned, and the door opened to show a woman in light jeans and a house coat. She had short, curly blonde hair and Brown eyes completely opposite to JJ's long straight blonde hair and bright blue eyes.
"Shelby?" The woman also known as Alice Blaine stood in the doorway her face covered with shock.
"Hi mum." JJ looked up at her mother. Her hands crossed over her waist trying to protect herself from the assault of memories slipping back into her mind. From the smells, the sounds coming from inside all of JJ's natural senses were on edge. It was taking all of JJ's strength and grounding techniques to stop the fog filling her mind, from letting the memories take over.
Alice pulled JJ threw the door and into a big bear hug.
"I'm so glad you're alive, we thought you were dead." Alice pulled back and examined her daughter "Look at you. You look so good, so healthy. How have you been? Where have you been?" Alice guided JJ into the living room.
JJ's breath hitched in her throat, the room Infront of her had not change a single bit in the almost 10 years since she was last there. His armchair was still in the same spot, the coffee table, the couch. All of it held memories JJ didn't want to remember.
"I've been ok thanks, mum. We need to talk." JJ parched herself on the edge off the couch.
"What have you been up to?" Alice asked completely ignoring what JJ had to say.
"I work for the FBI now." JJ replied trying to stay focused on the matter at hand and not let herself look around her childhood home
"FBI! That's brilliant! Wait till Jess hears." JJ's head snapped back to look at her mother and she felt her heart miss a beat at the mention of her sister.
"Mum listen there some news I have to tell you." JJ took her mother's hand in hers.
"Ok" Alice looked at her daughter waiting for her to speak. JJ opened her mouth for the words to come out but was interrupted by the front door opening.
"Honey, there are FBI outside saying you have company, who…." A man walked into the living room. He looked to be about 60 with grey hair. He was wearing a checked shirt and faded blue Jeans.
When JJ saw the man, she thought her heart was going to burst out of her chest and her stomach turned inside her. It was him, the man that hurt her and Jess for so long. The man that stood in front of JJ was the reason that Jess was dead.
"Shelby" The man whispered looking over the shaking and frightened blonde "Kitten is that you."
At the use of the nickname, she hated so much JJ snapped out of her trance.
"Don't you dare call me that." She spat and looked to her mother "How could you!" JJ almost yelled.
"You don't understand Shel. Walt was sick; He didn't mean to do those things to either of you." Alice looked at her husband, the stepfather to her girls and took a step towards JJ who stepped back away from them both.
"I don't understand? Are you serious?!" JJ was fuming at her mother and petrified of the man that stood just feet away from her "NO! The only thing I don't understand is how you could take him back after what he did to us, to your children!"
"Kitten, listen to me." JJ visibly shuddered at the use of that name again. Walt took a few steps towards JJ. She put her hand on her hip where her gun sat and said, "If you take another step towards me I will shoot you."
He put his hands up in surrender and didn't move further "I can't even look at you right now, you disgust me!" She looked at her mother.
"Don't talk to me like that Shelby!" Her mother was getting angry "He's not the reason you're such a screw up; he took care of you."
"NO!" She couldn't believe her mother was saying these things to her "He didn't take care of me; I took care of myself the best way I could. He IS they reason I'm such screw up and he's also the reason Jess is dead." JJ saw her mother visibly pail.
"What…no she can't be…" Walt went over to Alice as her legs started to buckle from under the woman and supported her.
JJ cringed slightly she could feel Shelby start coming to the surface and forced her back down. That wasn't the way she wanted to tell her mother.
"That's not how I wanted to tell you, I'm sorry. That's why I came; to tell you she's gone." JJ refused to make eye contact with her monster "I wanted to let you know that I'm burying her at Horizon this weekend. It's the one place she felt safe."
Alice looked up at her remaining daughter with fury in her eyes.
"How do you know where Jess felt safe? You haven't been round for the last 10 years." Walt let go of Alice and she took a step towards JJ "It's not Walt's fault she dead, it's yours!" Alice spat.
JJ wasn't going to sit round and be told what she already knew so she took one last look at her furious mother and stepfather who was also looking shocked. JJ walked around the couch away from the couple and walked out the door.
When she reached the bottom step and glanced at the SUV loud voices came from behind her. Alice came flying out the door. JJ turned to look at her angry mother.
"If you hadn't had left, Jess wouldn't have been the way she was. If you had stuck it out, she would be alive right now. Its you're FAULT!" Alice screamed with Wilt standing behind her. He was looking at JJ. It was a look she remembered from her childhood. He was wearing the same look every night when he would come into her bedroom.
Tears trickled down JJ's cheeks for the first time that day and she turned without a word towards her friends who were stood outside of the car listening to the shouting.
"GO ON SHELBY RUN! RUN AWAY LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO! AS FAR AS IM CONCERNED YOU KILLED HER" Alice was dragged into the house by Walt and the door closed behind them.
JJ reached the SUV with tears staining her face.
"Buttercup are you ok?" Garcia asked her best friend.
JJ didn't say a word, she didn't even register someone was talking to her; she was zoned out unable to control her tears and fear. JJ walked round to the other side of the car, got in, put her seat belt on and just stared at the road not making any connection with the team. A few seconds went by they joined her in the car without a word and drove off to their next destination.