June 2015

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Here we have Wanda's POV in the aftermath of the Confrontation. She's been dealing with the emotional aspect of this whole issue for a long time, so it would stand to reason that she would want to just move forward. But big emotional interactions like the one in the Confrontation rarely end with no fallout. Cosmo's different, but maybe that's not necessarily a good thing. Maybe it just confuses Wanda even more.

FOP doesn't belong to me.

I'm fine.

I may have come dangerously close to having my heart broken by the man I loved more than anyone else, but that's in the past. We talked it out. He's apologized and things can go back to normal now.

I'm fine. Really.

There's no need to keep dwelling on such awful memories. I mean, really, what would be the point? There's no way to change the past, no matter how much we wish we could. What's done is done. It's over. It's been a whole month since things changed, and I have my husband back. That's all I ever wanted.

Really.

He apologizes constantly now, no matter how many times I tell him to stop. Because it hurts. The pain in his voice, the tears in his eyes, it hurts and brings up painful memories. Memories I just want to forget. Memories I wish I could simply wipe clean from my mind.

Fine. I'm fine!

He's more attentive now than he has been in a long, long time. When he talks to me, his voice is soft and gentle. When he looks at me, his eyes never stray. When he touches me, his hands tremble. I tremble too, and I wish very hard that I could stop.

Because I'm fine.

That's right. There's no way I'm still reeling from the emotional aspects of . . . the way things were. There's no way I'm afraid to open myself back up to him because I'm afraid he'll hurt me again. There's no way that my heart's been abused so much it has shut itself down in order to keep from dying. No way, no how.

Because I'm Wanda, and I'm fine.

Sure things are a little awkward between us, but considering what happened, isn't that to be expected? Besides, the 'rough patch' went on for a long time, and we kind of got used to 'doing our own things' for the most part. Now we're suddenly thrown back together. It's going to take some time to readjust. It's no big deal. It'll just take some time.

Things will be fine.

I still love him, he still loves me, that's all that matters, right? Everything else will work out. We'll get over this awkward phase, and then it will be business as usual. No sweat. We've been through rougher patches than this before!

And come out fine.

Okay, so maybe we've never been through something QUITE like this, but the principle's the same. A problem arises, we face it, and things go back to normal. Things always work out in the end. The hurt feelings and pain goes away, and life goes on. Life always goes on.

Everything will be fine.

The hurt will go away. I just have to keep telling myself that. My heart will eventually stop hurting, and I'll stop trembling when my husband's near. I'll stop being afraid. It's really silly, when you think about it—me, afraid of my own husband? Especially now when he's being so kind and caring towards me? How ridiculous!

Because things are going to be fine.

I just need time. That's what it really comes down to. I'm just . . . a little unsure about how to really act, that's all. Soon this will all be a distant memory. One that I'll be very happy to never spend another minute thinking about ever again.

Soon everything will be fine.

I want things to go back to normal. I NEED things to go back to normal. That means he has to stop apologizing and looking at me with those big sad eyes and acting all somber and serious when I'm around. He's been different ever since that night and even Timmy's noticed. He doesn't joke around anymore, or act like himself.

He's spending so much time worrying and fretting over me that he's forgetting about himself.

But I'm fine.

Okay, maybe not 'fine' but I could BE 'fine' if he would STOP drudging up those god-awful memories! When he apologizes it's like ripping open a slow-healing wound and digging at the sensitive tissue beneath. Every time he says 'I'm sorry', it reminds me of WHY he's sorry, thereby bringing each and every hurtful comment, joke or insult to the front of my mind. My heart can't heal if I'm being overwhelmed with those hurtful memories a hundred times a day!

I'm -

It hurts. My heart hurts so much. I thought it would be better once things were resolved, but it's not. It's worse. Because now it hurts for two reasons—for myself and for him. The dull, throbbing pain so familiar to me from the months of 'jokes' I can deal with, but this new pain is harder to handle. It's sharp, like someone has my heart in a vice grip and gives it a good squeeze whenever I see the pain in my husband's eyes. And that pain is there an awful lot. It's almost too much to endure.

—fine.

I've never felt like this before in my life, and it scares me. I feel like I'm falling apart from the inside out. I'm numb. I feel like I have no control over myself. I'm afraid of my husband, unwilling to get to close to him or anyone else. I feel like I'm shutting down emotionally, and I can't seem to stop it.

I'm . . .

I don't want to be like this. I want to go back to being the same Wanda I've always been, the Wanda everyone else depended on. The Wanda who would comfort others as naturally as breathing. The Wanda who never let anything stop her or keep her from protecting the ones she loved. That Wanda was happy.

. . . always . . .

But I can barely remember that Wanda. It was a lifetime ago, back when I was whole. Now I'm just a broken shell, a cheap imitation of that Wanda who's skittish and shy and awkward and afraid to let anyone—even her own husband—get close. I suppose I'm 'protecting myself', but if I'm shutting out everyone and everything I've ever cared about, what exactly is there that's WORTH protecting?

. . . fine.

I'm really worried that this isn't just a 'phase' or some temporary thing. I wish I could believe it was. But the whole fact that I feel nothing—NOTHING—when I'm with my husband is scaring me to death. The only tiny little spark of hope I have is the fact that I WANT to feel something for him. I want so badly to simply let go of my fears and inhibitions and love him fully and unconditionally again. And as long as that want is still there, there's still hope that I'll 'get better', right?

Then things will be fine.

I want to love my husband again.

I WANT to love my husband again.

I WANT TO LOVE MY HUSBAND AGAIN!

I'll repeat it a million times over, like some magic chant if it would help. Maybe it is magical, because when I think it, when I write it, when I say it—far from his ears, of course—I feel SOMETHING. Some small thing, deep within my chest flickers—like some dying ember that has been given a healthy dose of fuel. It warms me, and I feel alive again. I feel whole. I feel like the Wanda I remember.

I feel fine.

But it never lasts long. Sometimes it simply goes away because I'm by myself and unable to sustain the fleeting ember for too long. And sometimes it's extinguished because I seek out Cosmo, eager to keep the feeling growing only to have him apologize almost as soon as he sees me. I wish he'd stop apologizing.

Because I'm fine.

But he won't. It doesn't matter how often I ask him not to, or how many times he does it, he'll never stop. Because he hurt me. He nearly had a complete and total breakdown that night I confronted him, and in all honesty seemed to be more upset than I was over the whole issue. All because of me. Because he loves me and doesn't like to see me hurt, so the idea of being RESPONSIBLE for my pain must have been like torture. He honestly had no idea how hurtful he was being.

It sounds funny, doesn't it? I mean, how could you make those types of jokes and such at your wife's expense and NOT know you're hurting her? Seems impossible, right?

Not for Cosmo. That's just the way he is. Our entire relationship is filled with examples of times he has said or done something that affected someone else, and he never realized it. Hopelessly oblivious, that's Cosmo.

But it didn't matter, because I was always there to keep him in check. We always balanced each other out, he and I. When he got too emotional or confused, I kept him calm. When I got too serious or angry, he'd make me laugh. We fit together perfectly, our strengths and weaknesses complimenting each other nicely. It was a good system, and it worked for thousands of years.

Things were fine.

Things are different now. We're both off-kilter emotionally speaking, and it's thrown our relationship out of whack. I was always the strong one, but after all that's happened, I've become weak. Cosmo is just as bad off, mostly because he's the one who CAUSED my weakened state and his guilty conscience is weighing his heart down. He can't be strong for me because he can't even be strong for himself.

That's okay. I'll be fine.

As ashamed as I am to admit it, I'd be lying if I said I didn't get at least some small glimmer of satisfaction out of seeing him upset over his behavior—I'd been living with the heartache on a daily basis for MONTHS, so it seems only fair that he experience at least some of it first hand.

But -

He's not 'upset' anymore. He's gone way past 'upset' and jumped into 'self-punishment' with both feet. He's dwelling on the whole issue for FAR too long. Yes I was hurt, yes he was the one who hurt me, but he's honestly seen the error of his ways and apologized. Over and over and over again.

I've accepted his apology. I want to let it go and move on. I NEED to move on. And forget. Forgetting would be good.

Then I'll be fine.

But he won't forget. He doesn't seem to WANT to forget. Why is he so intent on dwelling on it and torturing himself like that? Does he think I WANT him miserable? Because I really don't.

There's a big difference between wanting him to feel a little of the pain I'd been struggling with and watching him beat himself up about it on a daily basis. I know Cosmo, and dealing with very strong emotions is not his strong suit. I worry how long he can carry these heavy feelings inside him. How long before the weight crushes him?

Fine. Really.

It's ironic. It truly is. For all those months, I always wished he'd see how horribly I was hurting. I wanted him to see my pain, to understand my agony, if only for a moment. Now, he's seen it and is feeling that same pain, not out of empathy but because he's TREATING himself the way he treated me. He's turned his insults and hurtful behavior inward, on himself.

But . . .

He thinks I don't see. He thinks I don't hear. He thinks I don't know. But I do. I sometimes wish I didn't. But I'm glad I do. For his sake.

I'm fine. I have to be.

It seems strange that I would worry about him when I myself haven't fully healed yet. I guess that means I really do still love him. I just wish . . .

Because . . .

. . . I wish . . .

Because I'm Wanda. I'm the strong one.

I wish I could forgive him.

And I'll be fine.

But will he?

Will WE?