When late morning came Peter gathered all the old Cliffhangers and the BAU round by the woodshed.
"Shel's been gone for a while now. We are going to split into teams and head into the woods to try and find her." They wanted to give her time on her own but when no one had had a glimpse of her for over an hour they started to panic, they were all worried about their friend. They had searched the open grounds for JJ but she hadn't been found so the next step was to split into groups and start searching the surrounding wooded area.
"I found her" Kat pointed from standing opposite Peter. Everyone looked to the tree line and saw JJ walking out towards the cabin. JJ felt that she was being stared at and turned to see that 14 sets of eyes looking at her. Some of them looked upset, some scared but most of them looked at JJ with pity and sympathy. That was one of the reasons JJ left in the first place, she didn't want or need it, JJ just wanted a normal boring life where none of the trauma she experienced ever happened. She hung her head in shame, hating what she was doing to all these people she cared about and continued to the cabin.
"Do you mind if Soph and I go?" Peter turned and asked Hotch as he and the team looked up towards where their media liaison was walking away "We would like a word with her."
"Be my guest, I'm not sure we would know what to say anyway. The incident this morning…that wasn't the JJ we know" at that moment in time being a world-class profiler wasn't helping any of them get through to their friend. They were all too close to this one to separate everything out like they would a normal case, plus JJ was the one that delt with the 'victims' and talked them through everything.
"But it was the Shelby we know." Daisy stated remembering the things Shelby used to get up to when she was a resident of Horizon.
"Thanks." Peter took hold of Sophie's hand ignoring Daisy's comment and together walked towards the old cliffhanger cabin JJ had walked into.
They didn't bother to knock. They walked in and saw JJ sitting on her old bed with her head in her hands.
"Shelby…" Sophie walked across the large room and took a seat next to the warn out blonde wrapping an arm around her shoulder.
"Don't Sophie" JJ looked up at them exhaustion evident on her face "I promised myself when I became JJ that I would never do something like that ever again. This morning I became Shelby. I acted the way she used to act. I could feel the anger and hate running threw me. She took over and I didn't even realise what was happening until it was too late."
"You have to stop thinking that Shelby and JJ are different people. They're not, they're both you. If you keep doing this, the hiding, fighting and running away you will lose the people out there that care for you, and you'll end up killing yourself." Peter sat the other side of her hoping the fear tactic would get through to her.
"I used to think killing myself wasn't such a bad idea" Sophie was shocked by JJ's statement not knowing this part of her story "I tried twice as well" Peter closed his eyes not realising how much the young girl must have been struggling at the time "once when I was on the streets and once when I had to go back to him when he was sick, I sat on the kitchen floor ready to do it but I just couldn't. I put the knife to my wrist, but I couldn't go any further" JJ shrugged away Sophie's arm "I'm sorry, I…"
"You need to stop apologising." Sophie instead rested a hand on top of JJ's that were resting on her lap "We don't know who you are anymore Shel, not really. The only people that can help you now are your team." JJ looked up at her hurt "That doesn't mean were not going to try, it just means they can help you more than we can. We will always be here for you Shelby no matter what you do or who you are."
"Once you tell them the truth about why you were here and what happened, you will see that they still love you and nothing will change that.
They will be there for you just like we all were and still are." Peter Joined Sophie resting his hand on JJs.
"Not everyone was there." JJ whispered looking down ashamed.
"Not at first but Scott came round though, didn't he? After he thought he lost you on your solo's he didn't care what you said, you used to be or what happened to you. He loved you for who you were scars and all."
They stayed like that listening to the world go round outside and remembering what things used to be like back in the day.
"Are you going to tell them?" Peter asked moving down to crouch in front of JJ.
She took a much-needed deep breath to push away the fear she was feeling and nodded "Will you stay with me while I do?" JJ hated sounding so weak and damaged, but she couldn't tell her new family alone she needed help from some of her old support system.
"Of course we'll stay." Sophie hugged JJ again making sure the blonde knew she wasn't alone.
"We'll stay for as long as you need us." Peter hugged his wife and the woman he loved like his own daughter.
"Let me take a shower and then we can do this." JJ pulled away from the hug.
"Ok I'll wait here, and Peter can gather them in his office, if that's ok with you?" JJ nodded her head and gathered her things heading for the shower room for the second time that day. Part of Sophie wanted to stay to make sure JJ was safe, but another part stayed because she wasn't sure if JJ would run away again changing her mind about telling her family.
"Ok" The smile JJ gave them never reached her eyes
Peter left the two ladies in the cabin and went to find the rest of the BAU team.
He was nervous for what the next few hours were going to hold. He prayed to God that it went ok and the BAU team took it well and not how JJ was thinking it was going to go.
Peter went back to the woodshed to see if he could find the team and saw them on the other side of the green sitting and talking at the picnic tables. He walked up with his hands in his pockets.
"How is she?" Hotch asked standing up from the bench.
"she's not doing well. She keeps referring to JJ and Shelby as two different people which is concerning."
"We had noticed that" Rossi spoke from his spot on the bench "She's still trying to separate her lives, her time as JJ and her time as Shelby. She won't be able to deal with it all until she stops and accepts that whatever happened in her childhood is part of who she is now."
"Were hoping that when she decides to talk to us and tell us what's happened it'll be the final connection the two worlds need for her to except everything instead of it being then and now." Emily stated holding Garcia's hand giving it a reassuring squeeze "Jess's death has brought all those feeling, memories and emotions back to the front of her mind, she's having nightmares and I think this morning was a disassociation protecting herself from what she was feeling. She's not just mourning Jess now but having to deal with the nightmares, flashbacks and Disassociation at the same time"
"it's no wonder out cupcake is crumbling. Our poor girl. We just want to help her" Garcia rested her head on Emily's shoulder.
"Well" Peter ran a hand through his greying hair "I'm hoping this next step will help towards that." He sighed "she's ready to talk to you"
"Really?" Morgan was shocked. The others heads all snapped up to look at Peter not expecting for him to tell them JJ was ready to talk to them. They all knew, well had figured it out. They weren't stupid, they'd seen some of the signs, heard some of the comments and arguments. They didn't need to be a profiler to figure some of it out.
The team silently followed Peter to his office dreading what was about to come but all silently thankful JJ was about to open up to them. Hopefully now they might be able to help her.
"Am I doing the right thing?" JJ asked stopping outside Peter's office, her hands were shaking, and her skin was the colour of a ghost, in all honesty JJ hasn't gained much colour to her skin since speaking to Strauss and US marshals just a few days before.
"C'mon Shel, we've talked about this. Whatever happens Peter and I will be right there. You can do this; we believe in you" Sophie held JJ's hand tight for support.
"Why could I never have a 'normal' person's life?" JJ sighed looking at the door knowing the next time she walked of the room, they would know everything about who and what she really was.
"Because it wasn't the hand you were dealt." Sophie winked at JJ and grabbed hold of the door handle "You ready?"
JJ took a deep breath steadying her nerves and shaking hands "I don't know."
"We're right here with you. You're not on your own"
The door opened revealing Peter sitting at his desk, Emily, Garcia, Reid and Rossi sitting on the couch and Morgan and Hotch sitting on chairs that had been brought in from reception. JJ avoided eye contact with all of them except for Peter who gave her an encouraging wink. she sat down on the last free seat where she was able to see everyone. JJ could feel their eyes burning into her again. The day she had told Peter everything was one of the scariest things she had to do because it was admitting it was real, that it had all happened and she couldn't hide from it anymore as Shelby, and now as JJ she was about to do it all over again. All she wanted to do was run and hide from it all again.
JJ was starting to panic I can't do this, I can't tell then and ruin the only good thing I have left. They will hate me for keeping these secrets and for what I've done. I can't do this.
"Peter, I…" She turned to look at the man sitting at the desk slightly shaking her head.
Before she could finish, he got up from his desk and knelt in front of her, holding both her hands "You can do this. You need to stop hiding from who you are. You can run and change your name, but it will never change what happened. Look at it this way if it didn't happen you wouldn't be the woman you are today."
"The woman I am today isn't that great, she's a coward, she's weak, she's dirty and broken…" JJ didn't bother hiding her words from her family, they were going to feel the same way about her soon enough. They will agree with me soon enough JJ said to herself.
"No, she's not, your wrong. You are amazing Shel. Everything you've been through, most people would have given up a long ago, but you didn't, you fought to keep your sanity, your life and you've done it. You have a brilliant job where you save people's lives, and you have a family that obviously love you. It took Soph and I months to break down those concrete walls you had, and we still didn't get rid of all of them before you left, please don't build more. They're not going to think of you any differently than we do. Please open up to them, please let them help you heal." Peter wiped the tear that had fallen down JJ's face with his thumb. She nodded and let out the breath she had been holding. Peter kissed her forehead much like a father to a daughter and sat on the arm of her chair so she could feel just a little bit safer.
None of the team had ever seen JJ so scared. Their strong, confident media liaison looked beyond broken; she looked like she was completely shattered. Her once bright blue eyes were dark, life less and sunken, her bright lips were pail with a slight hint of blue and her face was whiter than a blanket of snow. In other words, Jennifer Jareau looked a mess. You didn't need to be a profiler to see that whatever had happened to JJ growing up was horrific.
Even with what Peter had said JJ was still struggling to open up. Hotch decided it was his turn to give his friend a little encouragement and hope.
"JJ" For the first time since walking into the room she made eye contact with Hotch "I want you to know that whatever it is that you're scared to tell us, it will be ok, were not going to abandon you, your one of us, one of our family and nothing will ever change that. We love you and care for you more than I think you realise."
"You accepted my biggest secret baby girl." Morgan hated seeing JJ look so alone and scared, she needed to know how he felt "I didn't tell any of you because I thought you would blame me, push me away for what happened but you didn't, none of you did. You were there for me Jayje, that first night back, you knocked on my door and we just sat and watched movies for hours." None of the team knew how much JJ was there for Morgan. "Please baby I hate seeing you like this, I love you like a sister. We just want to help you." Morgan wiped the tear from his cheek before anyone, but JJ noticed it was there.
"Morgan…I'm…I'm really sorry about this morning, I…" JJ didn't know how she could apologies because 'I'm sorry' just didn't seem enough.
"Forget about it Baby girl, I already have."
"Thankyou." JJ mouthed to him as the smile she gave still didn't reach her eyes.
JJ looked at them all. She could see the pleading in their eyes and the sadness. Last she locked eyes with Emily and Garcia. Looking at her best friends remembering the love and affection she had for her team she found courage and strength.
I can do this she told herself I don't want to push them away anymore. I love them too much to hurt them anymore with my lies. It's time to tell the truth.
"I don't know where to begin." JJ said with a shake still in her voice.
"The beginning is normally a good place, Kitten." Garcia gave JJ a small sad smile. If it was possible more colour drained from JJ's face at Garcia's nickname and her eyes closed tight with fear. You could hear the gasp come from Sophie and the small grown come from Peter, they knew what that one single nickname meant to the blonde woman. The team looked at each other wondering what was wrong with what Garcia had said.
"Please" JJ whispered and managed to push away the vomit feeling that rose inside her "Don't call me that."
"Jayje, I'm sorry, I didn't…" Garcia knew from the three adults' reaction that the nickname she used was a bad choice of words, but didn't understand why.
"It's ok" JJ opened her eyes and could see the hurt behind Garcia's brightly coloured glasses "You'll understand soon, just please don't call me that anymore." JJ didn't sound angry or annoyed she sounded scared and lost.
"Ok I won't." Emily's hand rested on top of Garcia's "How about Gumdrop is that ok?"
"All the others are good just not that one." JJ could see the hurt lift from her best friends' eyes.
They sat in silence waiting for JJ to start. What do I say? Where do I go from here…
When she didn't talk Peter rested a hand on her shoulder "The beginning Shel, It's always the best."
"The beginning…ok" JJ took a deep breath preparing herself for what she was about to do….