"When I was 8 my mother married a man. His name is Walt" JJ visibly winced at the use of the monster's name "We seemed like the Perfect little family. It was me, Mum, Jess and him. They both used to drop Jess and I of at ballet and pick us up together. I remember our dance teacher talking to them saying how we all looked like a perfect little family. I was happy, we all were." She looked down at the coffee table remembering her childhood and the few memories she had before her hell started.
"I had never really had a father figure my biological father left when I was a baby, only heard from him at Christmas and birthdays which was only ever cards and gifts and well Jess's father didn't want anything to do with her. We grew up just us 3 until Walt. So, when he would come into my bedroom at night and watch me sleep or lay next to me calling me kitten," she could see some understanding in Garcia's eyes as she let out a small audible gasp "telling me how much he loved me, I didn't think anything of it, I thought that's what all dads did. I really was the happiest little girl in the world, Until" JJ stopped taking a deep breath and to steady her shaking hands; this is where it got hard.
"Until my 10th birthday. We had a massive party with all my friends. Balloons, clowns, bouncy castle you name it I had it there. It was an amazing day, but it was and still is one of the worst of my life." JJ knew by the look on her team member's faces, Morgan's clenched fists and Garcia's and Emily's tears that she didn't have to keep explaining but if she was going to tell the whole story she had to. She couldn't stop now, or she would never start again.
"When it came time to go to bed, everything seemed normal. Mum tucked me in, and I fell asleep." The first tear fell from JJ's face and Sophie reached over with a box of tissues, she handed one to JJ and put the rest on the coffee table pushing them towards the BAU team where Hotch handed them to the ladies "I woke up hours later with a hand over my mouth….Wa…W…" JJ gritted her teeth; she didn't want to be afraid of a name "Walt was on top of me. He whispered in my ear how pretty I was and how special I was. Th…then he r…ra…raped me. I was so scared, and it hurt so much, all I could do was beg him to stop but he didn't."
Morgan, Hotch and Rossi looked angry, Reid looked sad, and Emily and Garcia didn't even bother to hide the tears that were falling for their friend. JJ tried to compose herself and stop her tears falling. For a few moments it worked but overall, it was no use there was still too much to go over. The story hurt too much to tell and to keep calm at the same time.
"After the first few times I got over the shock and started to fight him, but he said if he didn't do it with me…He would go to Jess's room and play his games with her. I couldn't do that to my baby sister, she was still so innocent."
"JJ, baby, I'm so sorry." Garcia sniffed. All she wanted to do was hold her best friend and let her cry in her arms.
Don't stop now JJ pushed herself.
"Please, I need to finish. You all deserve to know everything." JJ received a nod from Garcia "he said he would find Jess, so I kept quiet. Then after a while it wasn't just during the night, it was whenever he got the opportunity. I'd just let him get on with it, I'd do what he'd tell me to do, what he wanted, no matter how much it hurt or how disgusting it was. I had no choice, I had to protect her. When I was 13, I couldn't stand it anymore. So, I ran away from home." Peter handed JJ the glass of water from his desk. She took it saying "Thankyou." And took a few sips. JJ hadn't realised how dry her mouth had become.
He took the glass from her hand and whispered to her "You're doing really well, your almost there." JJ nodded and continued.
"I ran away but mum found me before I got too far and took me back. So, I learnt from my mistakes, I saved more money and bided my time until I knew I could get far enough away." JJ was about to reveal her dirtiest secret.
"Just after my 14th birthday, I don't know what happened, but he changed. He got more vicious; he liked hurting me more and leaving me with bigger bruises, cuts and causing more pain" JJ could feel her heart trying to beat its way out of her chest and the sick feeling start to rise again.
Keep going JJ your almost there she continued to push herself. The story was almost over.
"After one of his most brutal attacks I ran again, but this time I got further. For the first few weeks I did ok on the streets. I was sleeping under a bridge one night and I stumbled across Heroin and Barbiturates." JJ took a glance at Reid he no longer looked sad and upset for her but shocked at what she just admitted. She knew how much he had struggled with his drug addiction and at one point she had come so close to telling him but as she was about to tell he had fallen asleep, and she promptly changed her mind.
"I became addicted to both and that's what I ended up spending the rest of my money on. After another week or so I had run out, I didn't even have anything to buy food the drugs for my priority. So, I started begging and routing threw dumpsters for something, anything but it wasn't enough. After a few days the lack of food and the withdrawal of the drugs started making me weaker and weaker."
Please God don't let them hate me. Here goes nothing JJ said to herself. She was about to tell them the thing she was most ashamed of.
"That was when I mat Patty. She showed me how to survive…" JJ looked down at the coffee table she could deal with them all knowing about Walt and what he had done to her but knowing what she had willingly done on the streets, JJ didn't think she could deal with that. She didn't want to see the disappointment and disguise she sees every time she looks in the mirror in their eyes too.
"I started turning tricks." She paused waiting for one to them to either walk out or tell her how much of a disgusting whore she was. When nothing happened, JJ didn't look up from the table but continued with her story.
"It was the only way I could get food and the fix I needed. Myself and Patty we stuck together, we watched each other's backs. Made sure the other was safe." JJ stopped to wipe tears that were freely flowing away "I had been doing it for about 3 months, when I got home from a trick…Patty was lying on the couch. She was dead. She had OD." JJ found the courage to look up at the team and all of them Hotch and Morgan included either had tears in their eyes or were crying.
"I grabbed her I.D and as much of my stuff from the place we were staying, and I walked out leaving her body to be buried as a 'Jane Doe'." JJ just wanted it all to be over now.
"No more than a week later this car pulled up in front of me and who should roll down the window but my biological father, the man I hadn't seen for years. As soon as I saw him, I kicked of my heals and ran, but he caught me, he dragged me into the car kicking and screaming. I thought he was taking me back, that he was sending me back to him, but he didn't. We drove for hours. I found out that mum had called him asking for his help in finding me" She felt Peters hand on her shoulder, and she looked up at him. JJ could see the pride on his face. Her story was starting to get a little better from this point.
"Anyway, eventually we stopped, and I was dragged out of the car to be faced with Peter. My Father had brought me here, to Horizon." JJ Smiled a small smile that for the first time in days finally reached her eyes.
"I got clean, and I spent the next 6 months in counselling sessions and group therapy with Peter and Sophie, while they chipped away at me trying to get me to open up to them."
"Which you did….eventually" Sophie gave JJ a light hearted smile although she knew her story was far from over.
"Yeah, I just spent the first 6 months being a complete bitch to everyone."
"Why?" For the first time since JJ began to talk Hotch asked the first question. Feeling like he knew what the answer would be but still asking. For the first time JJ looked Hotch in the eye she didn't see hatred or anger on his face but sadness, understanding and the kind face she knew well.
"Why?….because treating everyone badly pushed them all away and stopped them wanting to be my friend and get close to me. I was always scared that if someone got to close enough, they would figure it all out and then Jess wouldn't be safe anymore." JJ sighed wiping away more tears that were rolling down her face.
"Everyone in my life had hurt me, left me, or let me down. I didn't want to get hurt again, I didn't trust anyone, not even myself on some level. With everything that had happened, and I had done I didn't feel like I deserved them all to care, I was too broken and damaged to be saved…" Hotch nodded in understanding.
"Keep going Jayje." As JJ's best friend, Emily knew her well enough to know that JJ's story wasn't over yet.
"I had been here for a while, when I got a phone call from my mother saying that Walt" It now wasn't just JJ that shivered at the name, but Emily and Garcia also did "Had a heart attack. I prayed so hard that night that he would die. That I would never have to be afraid of that monster again, but he didn't, and mum said I had to go back to look after him while she worked and Jess was in school." Garcia raised her hand over her mouth as fresh tears fell and Morgan was looking angry "So that's what happened. Mum pulled me out of one place I was safe and took me back to my very own living hell…." She didn't want to do it anymore; she didn't want to tell the rest "That's enough Peter, please no more."
"I can't make you do anything Shel, but you are doing so well. You're almost done." Before Peter could say anything else, Emily Let go on Penelope's hand and rose from her seat, knelt next to JJ and took the blonde's hands in her own.
"Keep going Jayje. Were still here, aren't we?"
JJ took another steadying breath "When I got back he looked so weak and pathetic. It would have been so easy to kill him right then, I wanted to, I was going to." She felt Emily's hand tighten round hers "But I didn't. I did everything for the man that abused me. For weeks I cooked for him and took care of him, but he still couldn't leave me alone. Whenever I got close he would touch me and tell me how much he missed our special time together." The next part of the story always broke JJ's heart and was the reason she's felt so much guilt "That was when I found out…he…erm…" JJ was shaking "He did it to Jess too." JJ put her chin to her chest and low sobs left her mouth as Emily moved to hold her tight.
After a minute she took a shaky deep breath and continued "I should never have believed him when he said he wouldn't touch her if I didn't tell. It was my fault, if I hadn't ran, he would never have touched her. If I had stayed and let him have me, she wouldn't be dead today. I came so close to killing myself that night, I couldn't deal with the guilt. As I held the knife to my wrist, I realised there was nothing from stopping me reporting what he had done to us now, so I did, I called the police" JJ could feel Emily's hand tighten round hers again
"They came and took him away. When Jess denied what had happened, the officers said that they would have to take us away but mum didn't want that, she didn't want to let Jess go. So that's when she came out and admitted…She knew what he was doing to us. My mother knew that monster left her bed every night and came into my room, into Jess's room and raped us and she didn't stop him. Our own mother." Emily grabbed a tissue for herself and JJ.
"I was sent back to Horizon till the court case. And I begged them to let Jess come to Horizon and get help before she turned out like me. They did and that was when I started to open u, I started really talking to Peter and Sophie." They both smiles at the fragile woman "The court case came about 6 months later, and he was released on a technicality. The officer that arrested him didn't read him his rights." You could hear Hotch and Rossi give a loud sigh.
"myself and Jess both came back to Horizon a few days after the verdict. Jess did really well, she was talking to her counsellors and dealing with everything. I on the other hand, I couldn't deal with everything. The guilt and anger, I could feel myself slipping back to my old ways, pushing people away building up those walls that we had spent so long knocking down, I couldn't be the person that hurt everyone again. I knew Jess was in a safe place, so I called my father. I said I needed his help with something, and he came and picked me up in the middle of the night. I thought it would be better for everyone if I just vanished, so they couldn't stop me I guess."
JJ looked up at Sophie "Someone once told me it was called spoiling. That every time I had something good, I would ruin it before I ever had a chance to get hurt." Sophie let out a little chuckle and a nod of her head, she could remember that conversation she had with teenage Shelby.
"Anyway my Father had a lot of money and contacts in high places for example Strauss." Hotch and Rossi rolled their eyes, 'they should have known' both men thought to them self's.
"He pulled some strings and got me into witness protection. That's where I met Agent Willis and well the rest you know. I became Jennifer Jareau and eventually joined the academy." JJ finished her story.
JJ looked up and glanced at her family. They looked at her with the pity and sympathy that the cliffhangers and councillors once did but there was something else in their eyes to and JJ couldn't tell what it was, all she could do was guess and she jumped to the conclusion that it was the emotion she feared the most, they were disgusted with her.
Emily went to reach for JJ's hand, but JJ pulled away. Emily pushed the hurt away her best friend needed her to be strong. Emily was confused as to what had happened, JJ was ok while she was talking.
"Jayje its…" Emily went to reach for the blondes hand again but JJ practically jumped out of her seat and ran towards the door.
Sophie could see the blonde starting to panic and knew what was about to happen. Sophie stood up and beat her too the door, she wouldn't let JJ threw, "Shelby, don't do this, please."
"Move Sophie." It wasn't JJ talking anymore it was Shelby. JJ let her take over because she couldn't deal with the rejection, she thought she was getting from her family but Shelby knew how to handle it.
"Shel…" Peter said with caution then came up behind her "It's going to be ok." He put a hand on her shoulder, but she swung her right arm around and almost hit him in the face.
"Don't touch me!" JJ screamed and turned back to Sophie "Move!" JJ could feel the panic rising in her chest "Get out of my way!"
"No, I won't let you run away from something good again Shelby." Sophie didn't move from the door. The others were all on their feet watching JJ losing control.
Hotch took a step towards JJ to try and calm her.
"JJ, you need to calm down, we can talk about whatever it is that has scared you. Please come and sit back down. Talk to us…."
"Stay away from me!" She turned facing the group of agents. Tears were streaming down her cheeks, and she was shaking with fear and anger. JJ put her hand to her chest she wanted to rip herself open so she could get the air she needed "Sophie, MOVE!"
"Shelby, please let us help you." Peter didn't touch her this time, knowing she would only panic more.
"NO!" She started subconsciously Scratching at her chest "You can't help me, none of you can. I don't need your help I just need to get out of here." Blood started to run from JJ nose and was seen by everyone in the room. JJ wiped her nose with the back of her hand and saw the blood, she looked back at the woman in front of the door "please." JJ begged like a small child.
"Sophie its ok, you can move." Morgan saw how desperate JJ was and the scratching and blood worried him even more "you're just going to clear your head, aren't you JJ?" She didn't look at him but nodded. When the team had found out what happened to him as a child all he wanted to do was get away from then and clear his head.
When Sophie did eventually get out of the way, it didn't talk a second for the door to fly open and JJ to run out.