The team had been back in the cabin for 30 minutes. Morgan had popped over to the cafeteria to get JJ a sandwich, which she ate quickly not realising how hungry she was. Then soon as JJ's head hit the pillow she was out like a light; the exhaustion was too much and she couldn't stay awake any longer.
"I still don't understand how we could get everything so wrong." Garcia had given up tapping away on her laptop and was sat on Emily's bed where the brunette lay watching her blonde best friend sleep.
"She's good, I'll give her that." Emily sat up and joined Garcia. The men were listening into their convocation "When the cases involving child abuse or prostitutes came up, we all just put her change in moods down to it being a hard case, we all have those cases that get too us more than others."
"None of us saw it because she didn't want us too." Hotch put down the book he was reading.
"When we were sitting with her out by the dock, she scared me. She was so cold and nasty. Nothing like our JJ. I honestly thought we would never get her back." Emily put her arms round Garcia as she let a few tears fall.
"We haven't got her back yet." Reid said from the other side of the room causing Morgan to throw a pillow at him and Hotch and Rossi to throw him glares "What! I'm not saying we won't get her back; I'm just saying we still have a way to go yet." Reid sat back and got on with pretending to read his book, it had been 3 minutes since Reid had turned the page and only Rossi and Hotch had noticed, the youngest agent was listening to his friends Conversation.
"The funerals in a few days; maybe we should do something tomorrow so get her mind of everything that's going on." Morgan suggested.
"Something fun so she can make some good new memories with us. She still needs reassuring that were not going to abandon her like everyone else." Garcia sat up loving Morgan's idea.
"That's a good Idea we can ask her later what she'd like to do." Hotch gave them all one of his rare smiles.
It wasn't long before nightmares started to fill JJ's dreams.
little JJ was sitting playing with a few of her favourite dolls and teddies, the sun shined through the circular window. Birds tweeting and the breeze blowing throw the trees. With a smile on her face and not care in the world.
Until the birds disappeared, the sky turned grey the wind blow the tree branches across the window. Snatching the child's attention, the door creaked open slowly, it was coming. JJ hands clutched one of her teddies and she quickly climbed into bed, under her covers. Hoping the shadow from the door would think she was asleep,
JJ held her breath as the shadow spoke "Now, now kitten, it's time for our special time together. Where are you hiding?" The dark figure started to pull the covers from the bed. "There you are"
"Please, I don't want to, please" she cried quietly. Only the hallway light illuminating the little girl's bedroom as the figure joined JJ on the bed.
"Please don't daddy. I don't want to, and it hurts so much." She pleaded, to the figure that now had a face. The teddy lay discarded on the floor of the room, thrown from the small girls' hands which were now being pinned above her head by her wrists.
The next moment JJ was no longer a child but her adult self. The nightmare showed him on top of her. JJ could feel the weight of his body on her, his hands holding her hips and his breath on her neck. Her skin was crawling, she needed him off her small frame. She could hear his whispers in her ear 'Oh my kitten, you're so beautiful. So tight my sweet, sweet Kitten. I've missed our time together so much'. JJ tried to fight him, to push him off, to hit him but he wouldn't stop.
She turned to look away from the monster waiting for him to finish and leave her alone in her childhood room. But what she saw scared her more than anything he was doing to her, there they all were, Hotch, Rossi, Morgan, Emily, Reid and Garcia. Standing there in the doorway just watching with disgusted looks. JJ begged them for help her, to stop him but they didn't come, they didn't stop him, just walked away. They turned their backs on her.
"No…" A whimper came from JJ and broke the quite whispers that were being spoken between the group "please…" Hotch, Emily and Garcia moved closer to JJ while the other men moved to the bed opposite JJ's so not to crowed her "Don't"
"Shhh JJ its ok." Hotch rested his hand on her upper arm.
"Please don't daddy. I don't want to and it hurts so much." Tears were falling down JJ temples as she lay flat on her back with her arms pined above her head.
"Jayje, your safe sweetheart, wake up for us." Emily whispered stroking JJ's hair away from her sweat covered face.
"NO! Please you're hurting me stop!" JJ started thrashing round but still seemingly pinned down.
"JJ wake you, he's not here. You're with the team, your safe" Hotch tried to gently shake JJ awake.
"NO! Hotch, Em, Morgan Don't leave me, please come back." A small trickle of blood ran from JJ's nose down the side of her face. The team looked up at each other with dread "Pen, Spenc, Rossi please don't leave me with him. Please Walt get off me."
JJ's eyes burst open, and she sprang up from the bed causing Emily and Garcia to jump out of the way almost falling over. She stood in the middle of the room looking round disorientated. Then it all came flooding back, recognition filled her eyes and she remembered everything that had happened over the past few days.
She brought her hand up to her mouth and covered the sob that escaped remembering the nightmare. Emily was the first to pull herself together and slowly walked over to JJ with her hands up in surrender to show the frightened woman she wasn't going to do anything. So, JJ knew she was in control.
"You're ok JJ. Were here and your safe."
"You left me." JJ removed her hands wrapping them around her waist and whispered.
"Were still here sweetheart. We didn't go anywhere." Emily frowned taking one smaller step closer to JJ when she didn't flinch away.
"No, in my dream." JJ's whole body was shaking with fear and her lips were as pail as her skin.
"tell us about your dream JJ. It'll take the power away that's its holding over you" Rossi stood but didn't make his way forward.
"O…one minute I was a little girl playing with my toys a…an…and the next he was there, Wa…W…He was there…o…on top of me. He wouldn't get of. I begged him but he wouldn't, he kept telling me how good it felt and kept calling me his kitten."
"Then what baby girl." Morgan moved close to JJ, she looked so fragile and broken, like a single gust of wind would blow her over. He moved closer to catch her if she collapsed.
"Th…then you were there, all of you, you were watching, none of you would help me. Then you left, you left me there…with him." JJ took a few deep breaths to try and calm fear and shaking coursing through her veins.
"Oh Baby." It was hurting Morgan to see her like this.
"Come here JJ." Emily moved the final few steps and pulled JJ into a hug "We would never ever do that to you, do hear me? If he ever comes close to you again, I will kill him with my bare hands."
"We all will." Morgan rubbed her back adding some extra comfort.
They all came a bit closer to JJ, they didn't want to over crowd the fragile woman, but they wanted her to know that they were there for good.
"I can still feel him on me sometimes, still smell him." JJ pulled back from Emily and looked at them all "For years, I longed for someone to know my secret, in the hope that they'd stop the pain and stop me from hurting." She felt Garcia's comforting arm wrap round her waist "I don't know how to handle this anymore, the nightmares, flashbacks and old feelings. I'm scared I'm spiralling out of control."
"We're going to help you JJ, were going to be right here through it all." Reid gave her a comforting smile over Emily's shoulder and that's when JJ noticed blood on her friend's shirt.
"Emily, there's blood on you." JJ looked at her concerned worried she had hurt Emily.
"It's yours Jayje." Emily gave her a sad look.
"Oh" JJ put her hand to her nose and pulled it away noticing that it was in fact her blood. She remembered something and turned a ghostly white.
"What is it JJ?" Hotch asked noticing the slight colour change.
"Erm…When I left here and went into witness protection. I struggled with the fact what I was leaving Jess and Horizon behind and then starting at University, well it was a lot of stress, and my body couldn't cope with it I guess." JJ looked down at the small spot of blood on her fingers remembering the day her health took a turn. "I started to get nose bleeds and I eventually collapsed in the middle of one of my classes. I was in hospital for a few days. The doctors said all the stress was causing my blood pressure to rocket and if I didn't get under control, I could have a stroke."
Rossi and Morgan ran their hands over their faces, while Hotch ran his threw his hair. This was starting to get life threatening now.
"And you're only telling us this now!" Rossi stated raised his voice, scared about the news he was just told. But his raised voice panicked JJ. She cautiously stepped back wide eyes like she was about to be struck. Rossi noticed the fearful response and held his ands up in front of him.
"I'm sorry Bella, I didn't mean to shout."
JJ took a steady breath realising where she was and that no one was going to hurt her.
"I'm sorry, I…."
"Don't apologise Bella, its ok it was my fault, I shouldn't have raised my voice. Were just so worried about you and now we find out this."
"It didn't cross my mind until just now, I should have said something. I'm sorry"
"Stop apologising JJ, its ok your human and can't remember everything. were just…going to have to watch you." Hotch reassured her. This was something else he had to worry about.
"Great, now you all have an excuse to stare at me some more." JJ said coldly but regretted it quickly "Sorry, I didn't mean it to sound like that I just…" Hotch gave her a smile and shook his head understanding the small outburst from her. Although she had opened up to the team and let them in there was still a lot of emotions and hurt in her that needed to be dealt with.
"I'm gonna go for a shower." JJ moved round Emily and grabbed her things.
"But that's the third one you've had today" Reid stated as a matter of fact. He was curious as to why she had started showering so much. JJ stopped with her back still to them.
"Reid don't, just leave it man." Morgan but his hand on the youngest team member's shoulder. JJ heard him and continued walking into the shower room. He was correct it was her third shower of the day, and she still wasn't clean.
Almost an hour passed, and JJ still hadn't exited the bathroom from her shower, they were all glancing at the door every few minutes worried about what she might be doing in there and if she was alright.
"I'm going to check on her." Emily said abruptly standing from the bed. She couldn't take the uncomfortable feeling of dread any longer. You could cut the atmosphere with a knife, everyone was just sitting and thinking, worrying about their friend so she was going to do something about it.
The others didn't say anything or try and stop her because most of them were about to do the same thing.
Emily gently knocked on the door and waited for a reply. When she didn't get one, she opened the door and walked in. The bathroom was filled with thick steam and as soon as she entered the bathroom the heat hit her like a smack in the face.
It took a second for Emily to adjust to the lighting and new temperature. When she did, she noticed JJ was standing at one of the sinks with a white town wrapped tightly at her body staring into one of the mirrors with her arms wrapped round her middle for protection. As Emily got closer, she could see that JJ's eyes were bloodshot from where she had been crying again. The skin that wasn't covered with the towel, Emily could see was bright red and blotchy in places from how hot JJ had turned the water, but what worried Emily most was that JJ had new blood spots and scrubbing sores mainly on her arms but there were a few on JJ's chest too.
"Oh Jayje." The pity poured from her voice and made JJ shudder. Emily stepped over to the steaming hot shower switching it off. Then took a few more steps over to her blonde friend. Emily reached out to gently touch JJ's arm but as soon as she made contact with her hot skin her best friend flinched away
"Hey, it's just me, I'm not going to hurt you." She whispered not wanting to spook JJ anymore. Emily didn't let the hurt be heard in her voice, although JJ didn't need to hear it. But JJ could tell the small involuntary action hurt her friend. She felt she owed Emily an explanation as to why she didn't want her touch.
"How can I expect anyone to touch me when I can't even touch my own skin? That's why I've showered so much over the past few days. I feel dirty and disgusting all the god damn time again." JJ was looking at herself with the most disgusted look. She looked at herself like she was the dirtiest most hated thing she'd ever seen.
"I would give anything to be clean, to be whole." JJ turned from the mirror and looked at Emily, she pointed to the marks on her chest "I haven't done this since I left this place and this life behind Em. I hate that I'm feeling this way again"
"Wait here for a second. I'll be right back, ok?" JJ looked down and nodded. Emily softly rubbed JJ's arm and let out a small sign of relief when JJ didn't flinch away again. Emily walked over to the closed door and stepped out breathing in a deep breath of fresh cold air.
5 sets of eyes shot up and looked at her concerned.
"Don't worry she's…ok-ish. Erm…have any of you got any antiseptic cream with you"
Hotch ruffled threw his bag looking for the item Emily requested. He was sure he had some. With the number of injuries his team kept getting on cases he had a fully stocked medical kit in his go back.
"Why?" Garcia asked. Fear struck her and not for the first time that day.
"She's been scrubbing her skin raw again, by the time we leave she won't have any left is she keeps this up."
"Why does she do it?" Reid looked curious. He had wanted to ask JJ the first time they spotted it but he didn't feel comfortable and with how unstable her emotions had been he didn't think it would be the right question to ask.
"Because she wants to feel clean." Morgan looked down at his hands remembering the number of times he had done it as a teenager.
"But surely talking the shower would do that. She wouldn't have to scrub her skin till its raw."
'Reid is so naive sometimes' Hotch thought to himself shaking his head a little. He found the cream he was looking for and handed it to Emily.
"Wrong kind of clean kid." It was with that small statement from Morgan that Reid knew what he meant now and felt guilty for not realising, for making another of his friends sad. Morgan received sad looks from everyone as they all remembered what they knew about his past.
"Thankyou." Emily gave Hotch a smile and returned to JJ in the Shower room.
JJ was no longer stood by the sink; she was sat up against the wall opposite the door. Emily joined her on the floor and held out the cream.
"Would you like me to do it?" She asked.
"What's the point. They're not worth the effort, I'm pathetic." JJ refused to look at Emily. There was an I'm comfortable flutter and Emily stomach, she knew that feeling all too well, not feeling worthy, not feeling good enough to be taken care of.
"Hey now, you stop that" Emily replied with a stern voice but didn't raise it not wanting to scare JJ.
"You are worth every second of my time and me taking care of you. I will do it for as long as I need to because you are worth it JJ. I will sit here after every shower and put cream on your sores if it means saving you. We will always take care of you even when you don't want us to" Emily gave JJ a small smirk receiving a smaller one back.
That's better than nothing Emily thought to herself.
"Now, if you don't want to put it on yourself, please can I do it?" Emily held out the cream and still gave JJ the option. She wasn't going to be another person in her life forcing her to do something she didn't want to do. JJ didn't take it, she just nodded at the brunette and Emily set to work beyond thankful that JJ was letting her in and letting someone take care of her.
As she carefully and gently covered the first few sores in cream Emily noticed a distant look in JJ's eye. Understanding the trauma that JJ had been through now Emily knew that thisw could turn into a flashback or dissociation and wanted to keep JJ's mind in the present.
"We were all thinking we could do something tomorrow. Something fun, to get your mind of things for a few hours. Maybe make some good memories with us being here at Horizon" Emily paused waiting for a response "What do you think?"
"I think that would be nice." JJ answered after a minute with a twitch of a smile.
"Do you want me to stay and wait for you or shall meet you outside?" Emily asked JJ once she finished applying the cream and stood helping JJ to her feet.
"It's ok, you go. I'll be out in a few minutes." JJ replied taking some shaky steps over to the small table where her cloths lay.
"Ok I'll be on the other side of the door when you're ready." Emily wanted to reassure JJ that she wasn't going anywhere, and she would continue to do this until JJ understood that she was not going to be abandoned by her family.
Emily walked out the bathroom closing the door behind herself.
"Thanks again Hotch." Emily went to hand him the cream back.
"Keep it you might need it again." He gave her a sad smile and she gave him one in return placing the cream in her go bag understanding that yes, she must like well need it again.
"I asked JJ if she wanted to do something tomorrow and she agreed." Emily said and saw Garcia and Morgan sit up straighter with a smile.
"Really?" Garcia asked and was answered by Emily's nod.
JJ walked out the shower room and without warning was wrapped up in Morgan's tight and comforting hold. At first she stiffened in response to the unexpected touch but once she felt Morgan's warm embrace she relaxed into it slightly.
"Baby girl" He whispered in her ear so only she could hear "If you ever need to talk, day or night you know where I am. I might not know about everything your going threw but I have an idea about some of it." He looked at her face and her eyes filled with tears. It meant a lot to her that Morgan would say something like that, as she was worried Morgan would resent her for not telling him about everything when he would confide in her over the years. There were many times in the past that JJ wanted to tell Morgan everything when he was struggling just so he knew he wasn't alone but she couldn't bring herself to do it.
"Thankyou." She whispered back and placed a soft kiss on his cheek causing him to blush a little. He pulled away but kept one arm wrapped round her shoulder.
"So, what is there to do round this place?" he asked with a glint in his eye.
"This place is practically a summer camp. If it wasn't for all the delinquent teenagers and screw ups, it properly would be." They all chuckled as a small spark appeared in JJ's still dull blue eyes "Don't worry, I have a few ideas." Hotch and Rossi worried slightly when they caught the mischievous look on her face, a look the all recognised from many nights out when JJ will cause trouble and get up to no good "It'll be an early one though."
All the men visibly groaned but Emily and Garcia didn't care if they had to get up early. They were just happy their best friend still had a little spark on her they all knew and loved.