"HARRY POTTER!"

"What the fuck?" I say aloud 'my name should've been magically updated when I changed it'

"ACCIO PARCHMENT PAPER!" I shout and the list of names appears in my hand I scroll down to the D's and see "Adolf Dursley (Changed from Harry Potter)" written on the list

"Holy Shit! Bitch, are you stupid? It says my name right here, how did you read that wrong? I guess even professors at this 'prestigious' institution have moments of retardation" I finish sarcastically and used air quotes with my fingers when I said prestigious

The old lady is looking furious at this point and many of the professors are gaping

" ! YOU WILL SPEAK THAT WAY ABOUT THE STAFF, IF YOU WANT TO ATTEND HOGWARTS!"

"Oh My God, It pains me physically with how fucking stupid you are, my last name is DURSLEY. Say it with me now Durse-Lee, D. U. R. S. L. E. Y. Do I need to repeat myself? D. U. R. S. L. E. Y."

"MR POTTER YOU WILL NOT USE THAT KIND OF LANGUAGE INSIDE THE WALLS OF HOGWARTS"

At this point I'm having a grand old time messing with this lady, why is she calling me by my old last name though

"Is she part of your quota or something? Do you have to hire a certain number of mentally retarded employees? Please God don't tell me she teaches a class here. Ima have to pass on that one"

"ONE MONTH OF DETENTION ONCE YOU GET SORTED!"

"Yeeaahhhh, I'm gonna pass on that, but you do you champ"

"THEN YOU WILL BE EXPELLED FROM THIS SCHOOL"

'Okay so if I remember what Auntie hypothesized Dumbledore will do everything in his power to keep me here'

"Hmm okay then" I take a big coin out of my pocket "Anyone got a marker? Ah nevermind ACCIO NEAREST MARKER" A sharpie lands in my hand I write Durmstrang on one side and Beaubaxton on the other. Then I enlarge the coin. "Personally I'm hoping for France, I heard Russia gets quite cold in the winters"

"Ahem!" Old Man Dumbles takes the stage "That won't be necessary , This is all just one big understanding, no need for detention. Minerva please continue with the sorting"

"Adolf Dursley!" she shouted with an enraged expression

"So retards can learn" I mutter under my breath, the nearby children hear me and stifle a laugh

I walk up to the stool and sit down thinking how I can mess with this hat. I wordlessly and wandlessly cast Sonorus in my head and start screaming mentally. This is quite painful but should be worth it.

The hat lands on my head

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" about 30 seconds of screaming later Minerva grabs the hat off my head.

"I knew it he must be evil" said Minerva

The hat shoots the professor a withering glare "No the child is literally just screaming in his mind"

" you will cease this foolishness at once" She then places the hat back on my head

I wordlessly and wandlessly immobilize and silence the hat

"Hello can you hear me?"

"Yes. I can Mr. Dursley and might I say what an incredible mind you have. Currently you have me immobilized which is actually stopping my geas from controlling me. I will summarize this quickly back during the founding of Hogwarts I was a muggle farmer and was captured by Salazar Slytherin. He with the other 3 founder extracted my soul from my body and then trapped me in this hat. They bound my in a geass to forever sort Hogwarts children and never talk about what happened to me"

"So even back then magicals were the fucking scum of the earth"

"We can't talk forever the longest I've ever taken to sort someone was 5 minutes, also Dumbledore put a compulsion on me to sort you into Gryffindor regardless of the outcome"

"So he is a manipalutive, conniving old man"

"Honestly Adolf I just want to die. I can't kill myself, I can't even move all I can do is talk. But I can't ask to die it's part of my geass. If you promise to kill me and free me soul I will give you a ton of information on everyone and everything in the magical world. Past and Present. Every single student that sits on this stool I see their entire life. And I remember all of it. It's a curse really I have over 400,000 years worth of memories from all the students that have passed through these halls. And I will use them to help you in any way you wish. Which appears to be the destruction of the magical world."

"If I took those memories would they affect me as a person, my personality, change who I am?"

"It may break your mind, most people cannot hold on to this much knowledge, but no your personality would not change, there are no emotions attached to these memories. It's just knowledge. You may change a little, like if you learned platypus are actually magical creatures, you would gain a hatred for them. So in that aspect you would change. You would almost instantly become the smartest person in the room. And you may gain a desire to show off because you can and your personality would change accordingly."

"Do it then. Ever since I've been reborn my capacity to learn has been unlimited and my memories don't seem to be tied to my brain any longer"

"Ah I see your mind has linked with your soul. In that case I will send the memories to your soul."

I felt an immense pressure for a few moments and then nothing. With all the new knowledge in my mind I instantly knew what the hat did. This cheeky bugger fucking killed himself. Well can't say I blame him. I instantly removed the magic that was on him and with my newfound knowledge created a replacement, a golem of sorts, it'll only lasts a couple months, but by then it shouldn't be my problem anymore. Didn't the hat say he was confounded to place me in Gryffindor. Guess that's where I am heading

"GRYFFINDOR!"

The Gryffindor table started applauding. But those two red heads with the bitchy mother were ecstatic. I walked over to the table and was greeted by the 7th year prefect

"Welcome to the family, Dursley" He then held out his hand for me to shake.