17
"What are we?"
It had been four days since our first time together and since then, this question floated around in my mind every few minutes. Whenever I had a quiet moment to think, the nature of my relationship with my boss found a way to distract me. Out of all of the things in my world, this shouldn't be too important. I had bigger things to worry about than a fling with my boss.
God, I hope this is more than just a fling. Could I handle something so casual? I'd never been the casual type. Maybe that was why my heart always had a way of getting me into deep trouble.
Since our evening together in the guest room of his apartment, we hadn't had sex again. We had barely talked about the night either—although, it seemed to be present in both of our minds. The majority of the time we spent together was at work. Between stocking and selling books, we didn't really have downtime for deep conversations.
Now, as I was posed behind the cash counter with an iced coffee and a pile of new books waiting to be added to our inventory database, I couldn't help but look at the question I had written. Edward hadn't seen it yet—and I wasn't sure if I ever wanted him to.
Would a question like this be too pushy? Admittedly, I wasn't sure how to pace things when it came to love. What was too little? What was too much? I didn't want to not speak up and appear uncaring. However, I didn't want to open my mouth too soon and ruin everything by overwhelming him.
Then, out of nowhere, I felt him behind me. Quickly, I reached out and smacked my hand down over my words on the paper. Edward was close enough to smell his nice, sandalwood cologne as he reached around me to grab a binder next to our cash register.
"Sorry to spook you," he muttered as he snaked around me again to grab a pen to write down the numbers for the day.
I peered over my shoulder, hoping to show with my facial expression that I didn't mind. Usually, I would write a snarky or funny response in return, wanting to be as playful with him as I could possibly manage, but right now, I couldn't move my hand away from the spot I was covering. If he read what I wrote, I wasn't sure if I'd be able to face him again.
"You ready to take a break? You can go grab some food, if you want."
Needing the fresh air, I gave him an eager nod, and then stood there waiting for him to leave. When he didn't move and I didn't move, things got awkward. He peered down at my hand, and his brows furrowed.
"I guess I can give you a moment to finish up whatever you're doing," he said awkwardly before stepping back with a small smile.
Edward pushed his glasses back into place and backed away from me. Then he stood a few feet in front of me with the binder in hand, probably waiting for me to get up so he could use the desk. When our eyes met, more of the awkwardness seeped in, and he chuckled to himself before leaving the floor entirely. Once I heard the employee door open and shut, I let go of the breath I was holding and removed my hand from the paper.
The sweat from my palm had smeared the pencil marks, but still, my words were bold and obvious. "What are we?" I picked up my pencil and thought about scratching the words out or erasing them. However, I couldn't bring myself to do so. Regardless of how shy I felt, I wanted—no, needed—to know the answer. If we were to move forward, we had to be on the same page.
I knew that … but I still wasn't ready. So, I closed the notebook, set my pencil down, and stood up to grab my bag and coat. Fresh air and some food would do me good. In the breakroom, Edward was sitting at the table with the binder open in front of him. Usually, looking at our sales goals and numbers was rather daunting—we were a small store after all—and Edward always appeared especially concentrated whenever he had to review the weeks and months to date. As I breezed past him to gather my things, he looked up from his notes to smile at me.
"You heading out?"
I nodded and returned his smile before I slid on my coat and took my bag out of my locker.
"I'll see you in an hour then."
My smile remained as I breezed out of the breakroom and back onto the sales floor, giving the store a once over before leaving for my break. It was a bit awkward since I quit Wanda's Diner. After my incident, I hadn't said a word to anyone on staff and never went back despite it being one of the only restaurants around. If I ever wanted hot food, Wanda's was my only real option. Being the coward I was, I always opted for bags of junk food and random assortments of snacks from the pharmacy a few shops down. I was a regular there, always dropping in to purchase dollar coffee and single portion bags of snacks.
The door chimed as I entered the pharmacy, and after waving a hello toward the staff, I moved toward the aisle I most frequented—the snacks. I grabbed a bag of crackers, and then moved to the drink section to grab a random soda. With my thoughts still entirely centered on the question regarding my relationship with Edward, I barely paid attention to what I was purchasing. I ended up buying something that would fill my stomach and tide me over until dinner before leaving to go sit outside on the bench.
Despite the cold weather, I liked sitting outside during my breaks. The fresh air burned as it entered my lungs as the temperature outside was colder than it had been all year. The way the air hurt felt like my body was being purified. I choked out a cough before opening my drink and taking a long chug.
Coke. Of course, I picked up Coke. Without my knowledge, my mind was still centered on that evening on the rooftop with Edward. Now, whenever I drank Coke, I would think of him. Jack and Coke would become my signature drink for the days when I needed the warmth and remembrance.
"Bella? Is that you? I haven't seen you in ages."
Without even turning to look, I knew it was Annie moving toward me. Her fragile, sweet-sounding voice could be recognized anywhere. Suddenly, I wanted to hit myself for not reaching out to her sooner. We had exchanged waves in passing but hadn't really connected since my rooftop altercation. I don't know why I felt too ashamed to face her. I'd been a victim, after all. Still, I didn't want to tell her about it. I didn't want her to think about that night every time she saw me. Sometimes, that's what coming forward with the truth did.
Once everything was out on the table, you were in a vulnerable place. When it came to things I didn't want to remember myself, I never wanted to talk about them with other people. The more people who knew things about my life, the worse and more uncomfortable I felt. I didn't want someone to look at me and see a victim. I wanted them to look at me and see me—a unique individual who managed to survive something horrible.
I waved, now wishing I had my journal to write in. When I didn't say anything to her in return, her smile faltered. Seeming concerned, she moved to sit next to me on the bench. Her body gently shook as she reached out and placed a comforting hand over mine.
"How are you feeling? I've been hoping to run into you."
It was clear from her face—she knew everything. I wished we could go back to the simpler times we spent as strangers. However, we were past that now, weren't we? I had overstayed my welcome. There was no turning back. The more people who knew me and my story, the worse I felt. Still, Annie was different, wasn't she? Despite being old enough to be my grandmother, I wanted her as a close friend. In the short time I'd known her, she made me feel so incredibly loved. That was probably rarer than I truly realized.
Love between friends was one of the most beautiful things on Earth, wasn't it? A true friendship was worth its weight in gold. All of my life, I had never had many friends, let alone ones who I was incredibly close to. That made Annie even more special to me. Whenever I left this town, she'd be one of the people I missed the most.
Well, I guessed she would have been the only person who I would truly miss outside of my handsome boss. If only I could take them with me. If only I didn't have to keep moving forward on my own.
After a few heavy moments of silence, I dug around in my purse for a pen and some scratch paper. I found a pen, but of course, all of my notepads were back at work. With Annie's eyesight, I doubted she would be able to read text on my phone. So, I kept on digging until I came across a random receipt. With a grateful sigh, I pulled it out and began to write.
I didn't know how to explain it. My voice was there one moment and gone the next. Knowing how small this town was and how quickly gossip spread, I was sure Annie knew everything already. Compared to everyone else in this dive town, she was practically a hermit. She kept to herself and never pressed for gossip like others did. However, when the population of a town was this small, you tended to know everything about everyone whether you wanted to or not.
Still, I humored us both by pretending that Annie had no idea. That sort of lie was soothing. It made me feel as if I could be semi-normal around her. I was sure that if I never brought up anything regarding that night, Annie wouldn't press me. She wasn't the type to fish around for information like that.
"I've been feeling a lot better! I'm still working at the bookshop and renting out a room nearby. How are you?"
It was easier to avoid all of the painful explanations. I'd save them for another day. Or maybe I could explain everything once I'm better. If only I could speak again … there was so much that I wanted to say to her. Even though we hadn't known each other long, Annie felt like family. She felt like the mother or grandmother that I'd always wanted growing up. Just feeling her hand on top of mine now was so comforting that I could cry.
"I've been good. I'm better now that you're sitting next to me. I've missed you, sweetheart. You'll have to come visit me in the shop sometime soon."
I nodded before picking up my pen to write, "Of course! I've been meaning to drop in. You're on my mind a lot."
"But you've been busy, I'm sure. You're a young woman, after all."
That made me want to laugh. As an introvert and a bookworm, I doubted I was that much more active than her. If it weren't for my nights with Edward, I would be a total loner. He was the only thing that made me feel my age—and even he was older than me. Sometimes, I forgot that I was in my twenties. Life had aged me before I even hit the age of consent. I felt fully grown as soon as I began puberty.
"I've been spending some time with Edward," I wrote as a blush covered my cheeks.
Even though I was never keen on diving into my personal life, I wanted her to know. I felt proud of my blossoming whatever-I-had with Edward. He was beautiful and brilliant, and around him, I felt beautiful and brilliant too. Just having him near made me feel special. So, having this chance to talk about him now made me feel as if I were floating on cloud nine.
"Oh, sweetheart, good for you. Edward is such a wonderful man." She patted my hand then as if we were sharing a secret. The way she spoke was so cute. She sounded very much like a teenager gossiping about dates and boys. "He's so lucky to have you."
He doesn't have me though, does he? I mean, I wished that were true. The question from earlier came rushing back: "What are we?" Whatever the answer, I would accept it. Whether he wanted to be friends, lovers, or even something more. Even if he wanted to go back to being boss and employee, I would learn to accept it. Although, the thought of having him as a boss only made my insides ache.
"We're lucky to have each other," I settled on writing before adding, "He's a great friend."
"That's all he is? A friend?"
My blush deepened until the tips of my ears burned.
"I guess so … For now, we're friends."
"But you want to be something more?"
I shrugged. Who wouldn't want to be something more with a man like Edward? He felt like something from a dream.
"You should go for it, Bella. If you want him, don't let him go."
Was life that simple though? For some people, maybe. For me however, things had always felt like running up a steep hill.
"I'll try my best."
"He may be hard to reach at first, but don't give up on him. I've known him for a long time, and after that accident, he's kept everyone in his life at a distance. The fact that he's warmed up to you so quickly—that you're seeing each other outside of work—speaks volumes. Don't let him push you away out of fear. If you're patient with him, I'm sure you won't regret it."
Annie really cared for him. I had never realized it until now. Maybe the whole town did. So, he was secluded by choice. He was similar to me in that way. It was strange, thinking that he was just as scared as I was, but it made perfect sense.
Life had been hard on us both, and we had every reason to run away from a new experience. If there was a chance at happiness, it felt like a risk that may not be worth taking because a chance could mean failure too. If you chased after happiness and were only met with more disappointment, what would that do? Did Edward and I fear being broken further? Was that a good enough excuse to keep us from exploring and living our lives?
A new experience was frightening, but I was willing to push myself outside of the comfort zone I'd created for him. Would he do the same for me? Was I worth it to him? Or was this a possibility he could pass up?
A/N: It's so nice to see Annie again! I actually named her character after my grandmother and gave this character the same personality as my grandmother too! Hope you're enjoying this story! Sorry I haven't been posting every day. My internet has been super spotty and fanfic . net hasn't always been working for me!
I'll be back with another post tomorrow!
Thanks, Sally, for always editing this so quickly for me! You're the best!