CW: Discussion of sex and adjacent topics

Monday was a Time-Turning day, starting off with doubled-up Divination and Ancient Runes right off the bat. Blaise gave her a raised eyebrow as she slid into her seat at Ancient Runes, and Hermione winced. She strongly suspected Blaise knew something was up – she kept 'losing' him on the stairs and in hallways so she could quickly duck into an empty classroom and time-turn. Until he asked her point-blank, however, Hermione was going to keep it quiet. Minister Fudge had given her the impression her possession of the Time-Turner was not something she was supposed to let be public knowledge.

Charms was boring, though potentially helpful. Flitwick was teaching them the Impervius Charm, which made things (usually clothing) impermeable to many things, including water. With the British autumn just over the horizon, a weather-proofing charm wasn't the worst thing to learn – it was just something Hermione had learned before.

Though, that was her fault, really. If she didn't read so far ahead, she'd be learning it with the rest of the class.

Arithmancy had the class taking a decided detour from learning actual Arithmancy into learning formal Logic instead. Professor Vector had decided to teach them about fallacies. Though only formal fallacies would matter when composing Arithmantic constructions, Professor Vector was insistent on teaching them informal fallacies as well.

"It's irresponsible to only teach you some logic," she sniffed, arms folded. "That's how fools get into foolish arguments." She gave them a dark look. "There will be a quiz on informal fallacies, so be prepared for that."

Hermione was excited and took thorough notes. Logic wasn't included in the Arithmancy textbook for the course, and whenever a teacher veered from the textbook, class automatically became more interesting and more of a challenge for her. Though Hermione didn't know much formal logic, some of what Professor Vector went over, she did know, and Hermione was forced to stifle her giggles.

"Argumentum ad Baculum," Professor Vector said, writing it on the board. "This is what we call an 'Appeal to Force'."

She wrote on the board Example: The Weird Sisters are the best band around, and if you disagree, I will curse you and your family.

"The arguer here is posing a conclusion under the threat of harm to the listener," she said, thwacking the board with her pointing stick. "This is not a valid argument. This is a fallacy of relevance. A more common example you may have encountered…" She folded her arms and moved closer to the students, using every inch to loom over them and look down at them. "You do agree with me, don't you?"

She took a step back towards the board, retaking her pointing stick.

"Implied threats of violence are still appeals to force," she said. "Though they may work in the moment, they are very rarely genuinely persuasive at all."

Hermione enjoyed the class immensely as they went over eight fallacies of relevance, her notes scattered with examples like:

Straw Man:

P1. John argues for collaborative understanding between muggles and magicals
P2. John advocates taking down the Statute of Secrecy
P3. Russia's temporary removal of the Statue of Secrecy was crap
C. John's argument is crap

And:

Missing the point:

Crimes of theft and robbery are increasing in Diagon Alley
Therefore, we must reinstate the death penalty

Professor Vector's irreverence was highly entertaining, and even though nearly all the examples they were given were overdramatic and ridiculous, they illustrated the points being taught exceedingly well. Professor Vector taught them the fallacies of presumption, ambiguity, and grammatical analogy as well, and Hermione found her esteem for Professor Vector rising more and more.

The true treat of Monday, however, came after classes. All of the third years had the second afternoon block free, and today, they had been commanded to go to the Special Lecture, divided by sex and held in separate halls. Hermione had bet Tracey five sickles that it was a Sex Ed lecture, while Tracey was still unsure.

"Would they really just talk to us about that sort of thing?" she kept saying. "I feel like it should be taught at home."

Given the state and intelligence levels of some of the homes their classmates came from, Hermione privately disagreed.

The two rooms were across the hallway from each other in a back corner of the second floor, once used for much larger classes, complete with elevated seating, like an auditorium. Girls went in the door on the right, while boys went in the door on the left. Upon entering, Hermione saw that the entire front area of the auditorium had been bedecked with pillows, and Professor McGonagall, Professor Sprout, and Madame Pomfrey were standing at the front with a chalkboard on wheels. Professor McGonagall looked resigned, while Professor Sprout's eyes sparkled at them.

"Come in, come in!" she said. She gestured to the pillows. "Please, take a seat!"

Hermione quickly claimed seats with Tracey and Millie, with Daphne and Pansy nearby. Susan Bones also sat near her with Hannah Abbott – they seemed to be trying to sit as far away from the girls from Gryffindor as possible, who had taken up the more front pillows along with the Ravenclaws.

After everyone was settled and the doors were closed, Professor Sprout clapped her hands and beamed at them.

"I'm sure you're wondering why we've summoned you all here," she said. "You're third-years now, and growing more mature every day. You are at an age where Hogwarts and the Board of Governors thinks you are mature enough to learn about the process of becoming an adult and what that means. We—" she indicated herself and the two other women next to her "—are here to help answer any questions you might have, and to make sure you leave here well-informed and confident in yourself and your body as you continue to grow up and go through life."

At this, she spun the chalkboard upside-down, revealing the other side:

Human Development
Relationships
Personal Skills
Sexual Behavior
Sexual Health
Society and Culture

"Madame Pomfrey here is going to start for us," Professor Sprout said, gesturing. "She will help go over the biology of it all."

There was murmuring in the crowd as Madame Pomfrey spelled a big poster that had an illustrated diagram of a uterus, ovaries, and fallopian tubes to the board, and Hermione snickered as Tracey wordlessly shoved five sickles into her hand.

Hermione's parents had made sure she had a good understanding of sexual development before she'd gone off to boarding school, and the next year her mother had given her a more extensive talk about relationships and sexual behavior. Hermione suspected she was ahead of her classmates in understanding such topics, especially after one girl asked, "If that's the uterus, where's the womb on that diagram?"

Hermione was impressed with the manner in which they gave the lecture, however. Madame Pomfrey was straight-forward about the biological changes they would be experiencing. Most of the girls seemed at least aware that they would get a period at some point, so no one was caught off guard at that, but many of them were caught off guard by some of the sanitary options Madame Pomfrey provided examples of.

Everyone recognized pads and tampons, of course, though several of the Muggleborns didn't realize you could get reusable ones from the Hospital Wing that would be cleaned and returned. Only the Slytherins, Hermione reckoned, would be familiar with a menstrual cup, and no one was familiar with the odd faceted jewel Madame Pomfrey had laid out on the table, runes carved into a few of its sides.

"This is called a 'Witch's Jewel'," she said. "Not to be confused with 'Lady's Jewel,' which is a slang term for the clitoris. But a witch's jewel is an old-fashioned method of handling one's cycle."

She then explained that the gem she had on the table had been enchanted to Vanish any blood that touched it. As soon as blood reached the jewel in the birth canal, it was Vanished.

"They require very little clean-up, just a bit of a rinse in the shower each day during, and a bit more thoroughly after your cycle is over," she said. "They fell out of favor a few centuries ago, however, with the introduction of other sanitary supplies. They are notoriously hard to keep inside of you – it's quite the pelvic workout, girls, let me tell you – and witches first learning to use them often had to hurry off to the loo to go stick them back up inside themselves after they fell out into their underthings."

"They are still used," she told them all, "but very rarely. You can generally purchase them at high-end ladies' stores. Dahlia's and Twilfit and Tattings both carry a small selection in Diagon Alley, and Madame Puddifoot's sells them in her back room, where she sells a small selection of goods for witches."

Even though she knew objectively jewels were often used for magic for their ability to hold spells and enchantments, Hermione still found herself fascinated at the idea that women had been going around with carved rubies and emeralds up their vaginas for years and years.

Madame Pomfrey left after her section was completed, and Professor Sprout took up the mantle of telling them about relationships and personal skills. Hermione was mildly surprised at the matter-of-fact way Professor Sprout covered different sexual orientations – she explained heterosexuality, homosexuality, bisexuality, and asexuality with a completely neutral face, not giving away that one was vastly more accepted by society than the other three.

"I would encourage you to not define yourself by terms like these," she told them all. "I would encourage you to use them in terms of behavior. A person has a lesbian encounter, not a person is a lesbian. While labels help some people, for most of history, terms have only been used to define the behavior of a person, not the person themself."

That was news to Hermione. She had figured terms like those had always been around.

Professor Sprout also went over personal skills with them, which was a short section on communication, negotiation, and good decision-making. After she was done, they were allowed to get up, stretch their legs, and go to the bathroom if they needed. In the hallway, Hermione could faintly hear Snape yelling through the door of the boys' room, and she stifled a snicker as she went to the loo.

Once their short break was over, Professor McGonagall was up. Stone-faced, she covered abstinence and sexuality throughout life with them, matter-of-factly conjuring chalk drawings of different sex positions without so much as an eyelid flicker. She taught them slang terms for oral sex and intercourse without flinching (Hermione had never heard of 'stirring a witch's cauldron' used in such a manner before), and when one girl asked how two men could possibly ever have sex, McGonagall conjured new diagrams and explained the premise of anal sex as well, her tone of voice never changing, despite the expression of growing horror on the face of the girl who asked.

Once she was done going over sexual behavior, McGonagall paused, and her face grew grim. She looked at Professor Sprout, who dimmed.

"Sexual Health is the next section," Professor Sprout told them. "While sexuality should bring joy to your life, there are things you need be careful of as witches as you go forward."

They started with contraception, which Hermione had expected. There was a Contraception Potion, to her pleasure.

"You will learn how to brew this potion sometime in the next month's Potions classes," Professor McGonagall told them. "I recommend not making a fuss about it. Professor Snape is notoriously unforgiving to those who would make inappropriate remarks during this particular lesson."

While it was not difficult to brew, Hogwarts did acknowledge that not everyone was gifted at brewing, and that there was a supply available at the Hospital Wing for any witch who needed it.

"It needs taken every three months," Professor Sprout reminded them. "A lot of witches will get three months of sanitary supplies for their cycle from the Hospital Wing at a time, and when they run out, they know it's time to take the potion again."

Hermione wondered if that was quite the most precise method of remembering one's birth control, but she didn't really want to bring it up.

There were also contraception spells, they learned: one that could be used on a man, and one that could be used on a woman.

"The spell for a woman is not easy," McGonagall warned them. "The Potion is much more effective. With the spell, there is no outward indication that it has worked. Nevertheless, if you have neglected to stay caught up on your potion, I highly recommend performing it on yourself anyway. Never trust a wizard when he says 'oh, no worries, I've done mine'."

The incantation was a challenge. It was from Ancient Babylon, and as such, it had a stem with sounds unfamiliar to all of them. "Pa'ra'nda-lo-ni-nje" was written on the board by McGonagall, who illustrated the wand gesture as well, and they practiced the incantation for nearly ten minutes before McGonagall was satisfied.

"Boys have a much simpler spell," Professor McGonagall admitted, "with a Latin incantation. That being said, it is known that an eager boy, in the heat of the moment, is liable to miscast such a spell. It is always better to be sure than to be sorry."

Professor Sprout took the next bit, and she looked grave.

"There are times," she said, "when an act occurs, and the witch has no time or opportunity to prepare or protect herself. In these instances, there is another potion that can be taken, to help purge any results of such an act."

"It is not a hard potion," she went on. "It is more tea than a proper potion, made of mugwort, silphium, and thistle. This, too, will be available in the Hospital Wing, should it be needed. This potion can be rather hard on the body, though. It is there should you need it, but it should be used only as a last resort."

They moved on to sexually transmitted diseases from there.

"Witches have far fewer worries here than wizards," Professor McGonagall told them matter-of-factly. "A lot of what we now call 'diseases' were originally curses placed by jilted witches on unfaithful wizards that interacted with other magic at some point, mutated, and grew. As such, there are only two with which you really need concern yourself."

The Muladhara Seal was the first, colloquially known as 'The Plug'.

"The Muladhara Seal can be caught by men or women," Professor Sprout said. "It causes a sort of clog in a person's magic, preventing them from using it freely unless they are having sex or have had sex recently. Treatment is an unfortunate full-body flush of toxins and foreign magic, but fortunately, prevention is much simpler. There is a spell that needs cast on you, once, that will protect you for life."

They all lined up there and then, with Professor McGonagall and Professor Sprout casting the prevention spell on each of them. With prevention being so easy, Hermione wondered how it was that this disease hadn't been eradicated yet, until she remembered the hedgewitches, who had no easy access to healers or professors to help with such things.

Yet another reason their magic was denied to them so often, she reflected.

"The second disease you need to worry about is very, very rare," Professor McGonagall told them. "It is known as 'Creeping Necrosis', but more commonly, it is called 'Crotch Rot'."

Hermione exchanged horrified looks with her peers.

"You can catch Crotch Rot exactly one way," Professor Sprout announced. "And that is by having sex with a dead body."

All the class reacted with horror and revulsion.

"Are you serious?" Lavender Brown demanded. "People do this often enough that there's a condition for it?"

"Isn't that Dark magic?" Mandy Brocklehurst demanded to know. "Anything to do with the dead or Inferi?"

"You can get it from having sex with a corpse, inferi, or any other manner of dead body," McGonagall said coolly. She folded her arms. "This includes having sex with a vampire."

The class fell quiet at this.

"You cannot catch Creeping Necrosis from another person who has it," McGonagall told them. "Symptoms manifest as a black spot, beginning at the tip of the penis or clitoris, that then creeps downward to eventually engulf the entire external genital area. Once the entire area is engulfed, the affected parts will rot away and fall off."

The class gasped in horror.

"Treatment is possible for this, and it's rather simple," Professor Sprout told them. "It is part of standard Healer training. However, it does involve admitting that you have had sex with a dead body." Her smile was wry. "As such, it is far more common for women to seek treatment, admitting they were seduced by a vampire, than it is for men to seek treatment, who are far more recalcitrant when it comes to admitting the finer details of some of their sexual exploits."

"They'd rather their todger fall off?" Fay Dunbar demanded.

"If you slept with a dead body, would you willingly admit it?" Pansy shot back. She sniffed, tossing her head. "I imagine wizards are the ones far more likely to catch it from corpses than vampires."

Society and Culture was the last part of the lesson, which involved a somber discussion on the use of force.

"Love Potions are a thing and a part of society," Professor McGonagall told them. "They are strictly banned at Hogwarts. However, you will find that they are still largely legal in wizarding Britain. It is not uncommon for a love potion of some sort to be used in an arranged marriage, to smooth the way for a successful union. These laws permitting love potion sales are intended for willing consumption of the potion, but there is no way to govern how they are actually used."

"As such," she said, drawing herself up, her eyes blazing, "you need to be aware of various love potions, how to recognize them and their effects, and how to protect yourself should you find yourself dosed with one."

Hermione was horrified as McGonagall and Sprout went down an extensive list of Love Potions and Lust Potions, going over each one, its effects, how it could be recognized, and what to do if one found themself dosed with it. In most cases, the last was 'seek medical help immediately', but both professors acknowledged that seeking medical help was not always a possibility. The effects of the Kissing Compeller, for example, were not easily recognized until after a person had already been kissed, and then they were hard to break free from.

"If you are unable to seek medical help, the best thing to do is get to a safe place as quickly as possible," Professor McGonagall instructed. "There, either send for help, get a Love Potion antidote, or wait out the effects of the potion. Love potions with the most compulsory effects are largely time-dependent and will wear off over time; love potions that play more on the emotions will not render you incapacitated or delirious enough to prevent you from seeking medical treatment."

They handed out reference sheets to each of the girls, listing each Love Potion currently known, what symptoms it brought about, and how to recognize it. They also gave each girl a recipe card for a Love Potion Antidote, as well as an ampule of the clear, colorless liquid.

"It would delight me for you to never have to use these, ever," Professor McGonagall told them each, her eyes surveying the class slowly. "Experience has taught me that unfortunately, that is rarely the case, and it is better to prepare you ahead of time."

"If you ever need a replacement," Professor Sprout added, "Madame Pomfrey has these available in the Hospital Wing as well."

From there, conversation lightened to discuss traditional gender roles and sexuality in magical society, a welcome respite. There was a brief discussion on the pureblood societal concept of 'chrysalization' and what it entailed, which horrified several Muggleborn girls. Once McGonagall reassured them that it was only traditionally expected of purebloods, they relaxed, and Hermione felt vindicated that she wasn't the only one who had been horrified about hearing about announcing your period with a blasted butterfly.

After all that was covered, Professor Sprout passed out slips of parchment and self-inking quills.

"If you have any questions we didn't answer, now is the time to ask them, free of judgement," she encouraged them. She passed a box with a slot in the top around, and all the girls put their questions into the box as it went through the rows. After it made its way back to the front of the room, Professor McGonagall and Professor Sprout took turns taking questions from the box to answer in front of the class.

Some of the questions asked were rather straightforward: what to do if your cycle didn't stop and you kept bleeding ("Go to the Hospital Wing," McGonagall said crisply), how to know if you were pregnant (which involved a brief recap of the reproduction section of the lesson Madame Pomfrey had taught them), and how to know if someone wanted to be your sexual partner ("Ask them!" Professor Sprout encouraged. "Open communication is key in all healthy relationships!").

Some of them were questions Hermione was embarrassed her classmates would even ask, like if you could get pregnant your first time (yes), if you could get pregnant if you were on top (yes), and if you could get pregnant during a full moon (yes). She was relieved when McGonagall gave a brief but terse reminder: having intercourse with a man could always result in a pregnancy, and it was better to make sure you were always on the potion, or, if not, cast the contraception charm beforehand.

Questions began to get more involved and complicated as they went, as if all the heavy questions had sunk to the bottom of the box.

"'What happens to my menstrual blood?'" Professor McGonagall read aloud. "'Like, where does it go after it's cleaned from my pads. Does it just get Vanished?'" She looked at Professor Sprout pointedly, who sighed.

"At Hogwarts, at least, menstrual blood is cleaned out of sanitary products by the House Elves," Professor Sprout said, "who then return it to the earth." She looked uncomfortable. "Blood has many nutrients in it, and offering it to the earth can act as a fertilizer to many plants. At a person's home, it is up to them to decide how best to dispose of it."

The reaction to this was one of giggles and grossed-out noises, before they settled back down.

"'I know Dark wizards use blood for Dark magic spells," Professor Sprout read next. "'How do I prevent someone from stealing my cycle's blood and using it against me?'"

Professor McGonagall straightened up at this one.

"Menstrual blood is what is considered 'dead blood' by magic," she told them all. "As such, the only spells or rituals it can be used in are ones performed by the witch whose blood it is." She looked out over them all. "No one can use your own menstrual blood against you."

Hermione was reassured by this. She'd seen rituals involving menstrual blood in one of the books Quirrell had given her, but now that she thought back, they were all ones with effects on the person who was doing the ritual – enhanced fertility, enhanced attractiveness, etc.

"Is sex banned at Hogwarts?" came up, which made both professors sigh.

"While sex itself is not strictly banned at Hogwarts, the Hogwarts rules do their best to prevent it from being easy," McGonagall told them. "There are strict rules against sexual activity in public places and rules against having sex while underage. There are other methods as well; a curfew is mandated across Hogwarts, dorms are gender-separated, and boys are unable to enter girls' dorms – they will either not be able to enter the hallways, or the stairs into towers will turn into slides."

There was giggling and chatter from a couple of the Ravenclaws at this, which Hermione caught. She wouldn't put it past some of the Ravenclaw boys to try and turn the tower stairs into a slide on purpose just for fun.

"Why isn't sex just against the rules?" Susan Bones asked.

"Because there are old fertility rites and rituals strictly protected in the original Hogwarts charter that involve sex," Professor Sprout said, reciting it rapidly. "The rules of Hogwarts do their best to make it against the rules in every other case. However…" She gave them all a piercing look. "We are well aware of teenagers' propensity for breaking the rules. Which is why we are teaching you all these things, even though you shouldn't be having sex within Hogwarts' halls."

The last slip of parchment came from someone who clearly knew a lot about sex – they had written a lengthy list asking questions about very specific things, such as the legality of using the Imperius Curse upon a willing partner, if the Engorgement Charm could be safely used on body parts, and the viability of using the Devil's Snare as restraints during sexual activity. It was clearly a prank, in Hermione's opinion; no one could expect a professor actually to answer such things. Professor Sprout's face paled dramatically as she read the sheet aloud, and there was a distinct pause before she started to answer.

"That's enough!" Professor McGonagall cut her colleague off abruptly, standing up. Her eyes flashed. "These questions are outside the scope of this special lecture. If you submitted these questions, I advise you to research them yourself. This lecture is dismissed."

Stifling the giggles, Hermione couldn't help but wonder who had made that list.

The girls all got up, chatting and mingling as they stretched, their bodies sore from sitting on the floor for so long. Several of them were giggling over the last questions that had been submitted, making up ideas for what Professor Sprout might have answered.

Hermione stretched herself, considering what she wanted to do. The Special Lecture had taken hours, going right up to dinner time, and she wasn't sure she was ready for another two hours sitting on the floor of the boys' lecture right away. She didn't want to go to dinner right away either, though – she'd rather go after she heard the boys' as well, so she would get all the references made, no matter who made them.

Finally, she settled on excusing herself from her friends for a moment, sneaking back to her dorm, and Time-Turning back four turns instead of two. That gave her time for a quick nap to recharge herself, time for a snack to give herself a bit of energy, and time to write down a list of questions for Harry and his friends to ask Snape.

She grinned to herself as she penned questions down to parchment, nibbling on the end of her quill. She did so like her Head of House, but even she couldn't deny that the prospect of Snape talking to students he despised about sex was a hilarious one.