My eyes kept shifting between my husband and the crowds. No one was smiling, no one looked particularly happy. I suppose this was a really serious interview with a lot at stake, and if the guys here were anything like Loid, they had a lot riding on the line too. Closer and closer we inched towards the main building when this gnawing pit in my stomach continued to grow. I was getting more anxious by the minute but didn't want to show any signs of it. This was like entering the viper pit with these snakes ready to spring at any hint of weakness.
No! No, don't think about that, Yor; you'll just work yourself up into a panic, and this was NOT the time for a panic attack. I bit my lower lips, trying to keep my nerves in check. Then, somehow without my realizing, my eyes gradually wandered back to over to the side of Loid's face. He was currently surveying the situation, or he was until he noticed me side-eying him franticly. I hadn't even realized I was searching in his expression for any sign of reassurance. Loid simply was my reassurance; just his mere presence was like a drug, an antidote for all my anxiety.
My dear husband, for his part, didn't even crack a grin, but his gaze discreetly reached mine. We looked at each other…. He looked at me from the corner of his own eye, and it gave me a shiver… a succulent shiver. My lips parted a tad with nothing coming out. God, those endless eyes….. Those glorious angel eyes. Those eyes that've seen so much. For the faintest second a detected the slightest of apprehension, regret in them. And I have no idea why, but those words Mr. Henderson shared with me back at the castle echoed through my mind. What was it again? 'Your husband suggested you go? Well he certainly doesn't appreciate what he has then.' Oh yeah…. I still didn't understand what he meant by such a statement. Mr. Henderson didn't even know Loid…..
But I couldn't deny it. It was for the world's quickest moments, but I caught that flash of regret deep inside his eyes, and that's the first time I pondered if Loid actually wanted to join the club or not. Huh, I never thought about it really; I just assumed that of course he would want to become a club member for the benefit of his job, but perhaps this is something he felt he needed to do instead of "wanting" to do it. I wouldn't blame him if he didn't want to join; I definitely didn't. None of these people were anyone I was eager to spend time with, and that's all that joining the Garden of Eden club meant for me. Did Loid secretly feel sorry for me? For making me go through all this stress and hassle? Or… was it something else? Something different? Those angel eyes of his told me it was something deeper than the mere interview- more in line with what Mr. Henderson said to me….. I still had no clue what that elegant old gentleman meant, but I had the distinct impression that Loid knew….. Loid knew perfectly well.
"Oh no! I've carelessly fallen into the drain and can't get out!" A boy nearby suddenly cried out. Lots of people stopped to see what was the matter, including us. This poor child had gotten himself stuck in a rain drain. I- having raised a little boy myself- took it at face-value and assumed that he was really stuck. My mind went into maternal-mode, which I'm surprised the other women- lots of them mothers themselves- didn't bother getting involved.
"What am I gonna do? I'm in big trouble now!" He wailed. Immediately pulling my arm out from Loid, everyone watched in a sort of stun as I instinctively dashed over to the child. My arms flung out toward him. "Just hold on! I'll help you outta there!" The boy, for his part, stopped crying long enough to blink up at me quite astonished for some reason. He reminded me a bit of Damian in that instance, like he was used to being ignored and passed along to be another's problem. Poor kid.
Before either he or I could make another move, my husband stopped me by putting his hand firmly on my right shoulder. Once I was stationary and really confused as to what was happening, he kicked the grate with his shoe, stepped into the water, and with zero show of force, pulled the little boy up and out with one arm. "Are you alright?" Loid inquired after setting the boy securely down on the ground. The child ogled up at him like he was some sort of superhero. "Y-Yes….." He stammered, quite affected.
I ran over to the child, removing my shawl and draping it over his shoulders. This made him turn back my way in amazement; I don't think he was expecting this sort of gentle treatment, making me inwardly shutter imagining the kind of behaviour he was used to. Wrapping my shawl around me, I began to dry him with it, giving him a calming, kind grin as I did so. "I'm so glad you're alright. There, see? You're not so wet; you won't even catch cold!" "Get yourself checked into the infirmary just in case," my husband added and I nodded in agreement. The bewildered boy's vision just continued to shift between Loid and myself as I kept on drying him off.
"Are your parents here? Do you know where they are?" I politely asked him. He hesitated a moment, twisting his fingers together and looking down at his hands now. "Erm, yeah…. Um, I-I'm sorry." "Oh no, sweetie! Don't apologize! These things happen; it's not your fault. We're not upset; I'm just happy you're safe and didn't get too drenched," I patted his shoulder while closing my eyes and tilting my head a little. "We thought this might happen. It's a good thing we brought a change of clothes," Loid remarked, catching the boy off-guard. I nodded, giving his shoulder a squeeze. "You see, honey? No harm done. My husband has the forethought to think of these sorts of things." "I think my grey suit suits this club much better anyway. Don't you think so, darling?" "Oh yes! Very handsome. It does suit the club's colours well," I beamed up at him. Loid grinned back over to the boy who was still wearing my shawl. "I was about to make a fool of myself with my previous suit. Thank you for giving us a reason to change, young man." The speechless child's mouth hung open. I took the opportunity to dry his hair a little.
As I was doing so however, I got that awful, gut-wrenching feeling of being watched again. My head tilted upward to see some men in very fancy suits observing us from the high windows above. It was my first time seeing them, but the effect was immediate- and terrible. It was just like when I bumped into those two secret service officers right before I met Loid that one evening. You could tell by the way they leered at you that they were judging you…. and negatively so. They clearly didn't like what they saw when they spotted us, or rather me….. That disapproving glare, as if I was a stain on their precious snobby club. A rat, vermin, a pest that didn't belong- it was written on their faces. I suddenly felt sick, nauseous. They were going to destroy me….. It began to dawn on me. They were going to tear me apart inch by inch until they were sure that I knew my place…. and that wasn't here. If hatred has an expression, that was it. They could probably tell that I wasn't born into the same social class as every other woman here; I was the only one from humble origins in miles… and I was going to suffer for it. I could really tell…. And it finally hit me like a speeding train what Mr. Henderson meant all those months ago. My eyes slowly began to widen in horrific realization and profound understanding: I was the sacrificial lamb unknowing brought to the slaughter. Those men were butchers, and they were eying up their next prey. I saw the way they looked at me from high up in their chambers….. I saw it.
Standing beside me and looking upward, Loid saw it too.