Chapter Five
Cristina was used to doing things that she didn't really want to do. She hadn't really wanted to go through and get her Ph.D and her MD, but she always had to have a back-up, that was the way she did things. There had been a time when she really did not want to socialize, or make friends with anyone within her internship program. She had planned on just doing it and moving on with her life, but things hadn't happened that way. Similarly, she did not really want to be sitting in an uncomfortable chair in the waiting room of the adoption agency on her day off, but she was there, staring at a magazine, with Burke sitting next to her.
Not that she had changed her mind about wanting kids. She did want kids. She just hated waiting in offices in general as well as answering prying questions which she was pretty sure that they were about to do. She glanced over her magazine at the otherwise empty waiting room and then at Burke, who met her eyes. She turned away, but he smiled at her reassuringly and caught her hand in his.
"Dr. Burke and Dr. Yang?" A woman in a business suit approached them and they stood, or at least Burke stood, pulling Cristina with him. "I'm Mary Alice," she said with a smile that showed off her teeth which were, frankly, far too white. Her sleek black hair was in a bun and she screamed businesswoman. "If you'll follow me to my office we'll get started on your profile."
"Profile?" Cristina repeated, as they filed into the small office. It seemed that her fears of prying questions had been confirmed.
"Yes," Mary Alice said brightly. "We'll start with basic information about what you two want, and then depending on what types of adoption you want to pursue, domestic or international, we'll make a profile with your basic information. Then we'll discuss our fees, the home study process and what else you can expect from the adoption process. I must tell you now that it won't be easy, and that there will be a lot of waiting involved. The end result, however, should be well worth it."
Cristina nodded, somewhat uncertainly, and Burke squeezed her hand. She wanted this, she had done that soul searching, and she was determined to get it. Determined-Cristina usually got what she wanted. She was just a little bit worried that too much of this particular thing would be out of her reach.
"Okay then. The first question I have to ask is: domestic or international adoption? I can give you information if you need-."
Burke put up a hand, in that way of his, and the overly bright woman paused. "No, we've thought about that. We decided that we'd prefer an international adoption." He looked at Cristina, checking to make sure she agreed, which was stupid. It had been her idea, when they discussed it two nights before. It was just that he was better with the talking to other people thing than she was.
"Okay then. We do handle international adoptions. We need to discuss from where you want to adopt."
From whence, Cristina thought, but didn't say, instead she said: "We talked about that too, we don't care what country our child is from. We want a child that's healthy, but we can care for one with special needs."
The woman nodded. "We'll you've done your homework. Have you put any thought into sibling groups?"
"We'd prefer to adopt just one, for now," Burke said. "Either gender."
The woman nodded, writing all of this down on a form. She went on to question them about age, to which they replied that they wanted a fairly young child. With both Bailey and Meredith having children five and under their child would have ready-made playmates. Along with, of course, whatever siblings Lydia would wind up with if Shepard and Meredith ever figured themselves out.
The questioning continued, going through their histories, their incomes (this seemed to please Mary Alice, although Cristina supposed she wasn't supposed to notice that) and explaining the process of the international adoptions. It was a lot of paperwork, which made some sense, as there were a lot of nutcases in the world but also seemed to exist only to prolong the process.
"You'll need background checks, finger-prints and passports," Mary Alice explained.
"I have my passport," Cristina said. "I did two semesters of study abroad, and I keep it renewed."
"Me too, I had a conference in London just last year," Burke added. Cristina winced at the mention of this conference. He had badly wanted her to go, but she simply couldn't have gotten away that week.
"Okay then. We'll have a social worker call to schedule the beginning of your home study. This can take a few months to complete, so we'll get it moving as quickly as possible. We'll also ask for the first payment during the home study," she continued, shuffling the papers she had strewn about into her file.
"Okay then," Burke said, reaching over the desk to shake the woman's hand. Cristina followed suit and they left the office together.
In the car Cristina found that she regained the ability to breathe. "We're on our way," Burke commented, his hands on the steering wheel but the key not in the ignition.
"Yeah," Cristina agreed.
He peered at her, sidelong, "Are you still okay?"
"Huh? Yeah I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?" Cristina asked, aware that she was being defensive.
"I don't know," Burke said with a shrug, "This is a lot to absorb."
Cristina sighed. "If I'm in anyway not okay, it's simply because I don't like the idea of a group of people deciding whether or not I am fit to be a mother," she said.
Burke nodded understandingly. "Ah, I thought it might be something like that. You have nothing to worry about, Cristina. First of all, you're a successful surgeon with a very good stable income which will please them. You've had no psychotic episodes, your background is clean. Moreover, you are an amazing woman, and a hard worker. You have every qualification to be a mother." He pulled her hand up to his lips and kissed it. "Who ever has told you that you wouldn't make a good mother?"
"Well," Cristina said with a smirk, "My mother, but she's still in shock that I actually brought you home, let alone married you, so maybe she shouldn't count."
"Maybe not," Burke agreed with a smile.
"I just don't like not being in control," Cristina grumbled. "It's stupid, I know, but--."
"I understand, completely," Burke said. "But you're a surgeon, you know that there are certain things we just can't control."
"I know," Cristina sighed. "I just never thought having kids or not would be one of them."
Burke squeezed her hand, and then started to pull out of the parking lot.
"Plus, that Mary Alice bothers me. I mean, what's up with the royal 'we'?"
"How do you know it's a royal 'we'?" Burke demanded as he pulled out. "Want to go get coffee?"
"Of course. Well, unless she had an invisible conjoined twin, she was using royal 'we'."
Burke shook his head and laughed. "I love you."
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Something was not right. Nothing had been said out right, hell, nothing had been done out right, but there was something different in Derek's world. He thought about this as he cast his line out in the early dawn light by the creek on his property. He often came out and fished on mornings when he didn't work, it gave him a chance to think.
When he had come home the night before, he had pulled up to the house at the same time as Meredith did returning from her father's. He had planned on meeting her there and surprising her, but the flight had been slightly delayed and it had taken him a while to get Addison situated to his satisfaction at her house, so he had decided to wait at the house.
He had kissed Meredith hello and moved to get Lydia out of the car, but Meredith was already there. She was obviously working on Meredith-autopilot, so he let her carry Lydia in and begin her bedtime ritual.
He had greeted the dog, and gone upstairs when he heard bathwater running. He'd put his arms around Meredith's waist and she'd leaned into him. "I'm glad you're home," she murmured. "You must be tired."
"Not any more than you, I'm sure. With two observations and Lydia sick, that seems to equal no sleep for Meredith to me."
"I guess," she'd said, shrugging and pulling away a little to offer Lydia her arm and help her climb into the tub. She'd knelt to help the sleepy child wash and Derek had retreated. He'd kissed Lydia good night before Meredith read to her, and then gone into their bedroom to wait. When Meredith climbed into bed she had leaned against him and let him hold her, so that, at least had not changed.
"How was your dad's?" he'd asked, as she turned off the lamp.
"Lydia had fun with her cousins," she had replied, and there had been something rough around the edges of her voice.
"And you?" he'd prodded; gently rubbing her shoulders and feeling her relax against his touch.
"I liked seeing her happy," she'd replied simply.
She had gone to sleep without much more conversation, but he'd lain awake trying to figure out what the hell was going on.
There was a tug at his line, suddenly, and he began to reel in the fish that had bitten. This took his full concentration, and he smiled as he finally landed it in the pink
light.
When he turned to the house he saw Meredith in the window, he smiled and she waved at him. He took the hook out of the fish's mouth and took it in to clean it.
"I didn't realize you were going to go foraging this morning," Meredith teased, replacing three cereal bowls into the cabinet.
"I'm home, I forage," he said, kissing her on the forehead. That was one thing about Meredith; she never minded the fish in the house so long as he cleaned up after himself.
"Want some trout for breakfast, Lydia?" he asked.
Lydia was sitting at the kitchen table with her head in her hand. She shrugged.
"Someone's still sleepy," Meredith said, running a hand through Lydia's curly hair and stifling a yawn herself.
"More than one someone I'd say," Derek said. "Well, sit down, my ladies, and await this wonderful trout fish the man is providing."
"Chauvinist," Meredith said, poking her tongue out at him.
"I call 'em like I see 'em," he said and she laughed. He turned back to the fish and was surprised when he felt Meredith's thin arms around his waist and her head on his shoulder.
"Hey there," he said, turning his head to her a little.
She didn't say anything, at first, just nuzzled into him. Then, after he had to shift a little to work on the fish, she murmured, "I missed you."
"I missed you too," he responded, "So much."
She nodded into his shoulder, and he got a feeling that the week hadn't been as easy as she claimed it had been. Probably, having to spend an entire afternoon at her father's had been the breaking point. He reached up and took her arm, bringing it up to his lips and kissing it. She giggled.
It was a perfect moment, one in which he decided that everything was going to be okay after all. And then there was a crash.
Meredith pulled away from him and they both whirled around. Spock had started barking, and Lydia lay on the floor, thrashing. Meredith was the first to get to her, because Derek paused for a nanosecond to wipe fish goop off of his hands.
"She's seizing!" Meredith announced.
"The shunt," Derek groaned. "It must be malfunctioning."
"Thank you, Dr. Obvious," Meredith snapped, pulling Lydia onto her lap and holding her as well as she could. "Call the OR, we're taking her in."
Feeling ultimate helplessness Derek went for the phone and dialed the number automatically.
"Debby, it's Derek Shepard, page Dr. Weir," he said, watching Meredith rocking back and forth on the floor, with their daughter in her arms the seizure was stopping, and the dog was hovering over Meredith's shoulder, being Lydia's guard dog, as always. "Damn it, hurry," he swore into the phone. He knelt by Meredith, holing the cordless phone between his ear and his shoulder. He put his hand on her back and she looked up at him with wild eyes.
"Daddy?" Lydia murmured, coming out of the seizure, "Mommy?"
"It's okay, baby," Meredith murmured. "You had a seizure. We're going to take you to the hospital."
"For day-care?" Lydia asked, and Meredith let out a sound that was halfway a laugh, but perhaps closer to a hysterical sob. Derek held her shoulder firmly.
"Hello?" the voice said in his ear, and it took him a minute to place it.
"Huh? Oh, Dr. Weir. It's Derek Shepard. Lydia's shunt is malfunctioning and we're bringing her in," he said, in a no-nonsense voice. "Book an OR."
"Yes sir," the doctor said on the other end, and Derek hung up the phone.
"They're booking an OR," he said, "Let's go." He took Lydia from Meredith's arms so that she could stand up. She ducked into the living room and got a blanket to wrap the child up in. Derek put it around her, and put his other arm around Meredith's shoulders, leading her to the car.
She climbed into the passenger seat and took Lydia onto her lap. The little girl was crying softly, her fingers curled in Meredith's hair. The half minute it took for Derek to get around the car did nothing but piss him off. He wanted to be at the hospital already.
It was early, at least, so the traffic was not bad. Derek knew that he broke a rule or two attempting to take the fastest route to the hospital, but he found that he could not care less. Meredith clutched his hand. Her was mouth in a firm line as she murmured to Lydia. He knew that she was fighting to hold onto her control, in the same way that he was, and she was doing well. He squeezed her fingers and at one traffic light that threatened to last forever he brought her knuckles to his lips and kissed them.
They didn't go through the ER, instead he pulled into the garage and they went through onto the OR floor. Dr. Weir was waiting for them by the elevator, alerted by a frantic call from Meredith's cellphone. Derek wasn't even sure that he had brought his wallet.
They took Lydia to a room and Meredith began taking off her Little Mermaid pajamas. For some reason, being put into a hospital bed made Lydia begin to cry even harder, in a bone shattering way that was reminiscent of her mother. Derek pulled her into his arms, sliding onto the bed, and murmured to her. "It's okay, baby," he soothed, "Daddy's got you, and Mommy's here. Just take deep breaths, baby, deep breaths."
Meredith stood by the bedside table, folding the clothes almost obsessively, and he could tell that she was following his instructions as well. After a moment Lydia's breathing steadied, and he laid her back on the pillow, wiping the teardrops from her cheeks with one finger.
"There," he said, "No more tears."
Meredith sat up on the bed with them, and he pulled her to him, her head on his chest. "Don't," she whispered, pulling away. "I'll lose it." She smiled shakily, and took one of Lydia's small hands.
"Dr. Grey, Dr. Shepard," a nurse said, coming into the room. "I'll need one of you to fill out the paperwork so we can admit her and get this going."
"I'll do it," Derek said, sliding down. "They need to do the scan ASAP, and get her onto the table," he reasoned aloud.
Meredith nodded once. "It's my specialty," she said, blandly, her eyes not leaving Lydia's face.
Derek went out into the hall and began to sign forms, filling out the information on the shunt, and where it drained to (her left lung), remembering the day that it had been put in. Five years was and unusual amount of time for a shunt to last in such a small child, he reassured himself as he signed the CAT scan consent form.
Just as he was about to go back into the hospital room, Izzie Stevens nearly ran into him. "Sorry, Dr. Shepard," she said, automatically, and then her eyes widened. "What are you doing here?"" she said with a harshness, that he assumed came from preoccupation.
"Lydia," he said simply and her eyebrows shot up.
"The shunt?" she asked, and he nodded. "I'll let everyone know," she said. "George, Callie and Alex are on duty, but Cristina and Burke aren't."
"Call them," Derek said and then he went into the room. Meredith was still sitting on the edge of the bed. He came up behind her, putting his arms around her. "I saw Izzie. She's alerting the troops."
"Good. They're her family," Meredith said. "Family," she repeated. "Should I call Dad?"
Derek took a deep breath, "Probably, Mer," he said. "He'll want to know. Susan will want to come up here and fret."
"Did you just say fret?" Meredith asked, shakily pulling out her phone.
"I did," he affirmed. "That's the word to describe your stepmother. She frets."
Meredith laughed, but it was hollow and her eyes darted to Lydia. Derek took the little girl's other hand and squeezed it, mouthing 'kiss de girl' at her as he leaned in to kiss her forehead. She giggled.
"Hi, Daddy. It's Meri," Meredith said into the phone, one finger nervously twirling her hair around itself. "Yeah. Something's wrong. Lydia's shunt's malfunctioning. We're at Seattle Grace, and they haven't tested yet, but Derek and I know. You don't have to come up right now, but I'll keep you--. Oh. Fourth floor, room 421. Yeah. Okay, I'll see you then." She closed the phone and let out a huge whoosh of air.
"He's coming. They're both coming. To wait with us," Meredith said, as if she could not believe it.
"Of course they are," Derek said. "They love her, and you."
"Yeah," Meredith said. "I know…. I guess I just think of family as being us, and George, Callie, Izzie, Alex and Cristina. I never--." She was cut off, however, by a nurse coming into the room. She carried a small cup of sedative that would calm Lydia for the CAT scan.
After that it was all a rush, and a waiting game. They waited for scans and for results, and for Dr. Weir to finish rounding. This never seemed to take as long when you were on the other side, Derek mused, when he and Meredith started their fifth game of I Spy and Lydia slept.
"Um… oh, the flounder on Lydia's PJs," he said in response to 'something yellow', and then there was a knock at the door before Cristina Yang barged in.
Meredith automatically put a finger to her lips and the outburst that was about to come didn't, as Cristina glanced at the sleeping Lydia. All the anger in Cristina's face, probably from not having been called directly, melted and she went to the little girl, as Burke came more sedately into the room and nodded at Derek, he nodded back.
"Pauvre ange," Cristina murmured over Lydia, and then looked up at Meredith and Derek. "So she didn't have your bug then, Mer?"
Meredith winced and shook her head.
"Mer? Were you sick?" Derek asked, and Cristina pointedly looked away.
"Yeah, I didn't want you to worry," Meredith said, pulling her legs into a cross-legged position. "I wasn't that sick." Cristina snorted. "I wasn't!" Meredith protested.
"Okay," Cristina said, "But I beg--."
Then the door opened and Olivia came in. "We're going to take her back now," she said. Meredith and Derek slid off of the bed, and Burke and Cristina stepped back respectfully. Meredith kissed Lydia's forehead and her eyes flickered open.
"Hey baby," Meredith said. "It's time for your surgery now. Olivia's going to be with you, okay?"
"Mommy!" Lydia cried out, tears springing to her eyes.
"Hey there, big girl," Derek said. "None of that. You're going to be just fine. We'll all be here when you get done, okay? Grandma Susan and Grandpa, Aunt Cristina, Aunt Izzie, Uncle George, Uncle Preston, everyone. You're our brave girl."
"Okay," Lydia said, sniffling.
"We love you, baby," Meredith said, kissing Lydia's forehead once more. Olivia and another nurse began to move the bed, and they followed her into the hall. Those of their little family that were on-call were in the hallway, and stopped to talk to Lydia and give her kisses. When they got to the red line Derek and Meredith kissed her once more, and Meredith buried her face in Derek's chest as they wheeled Lydia through the doors.
Gently he supported her as they walked back to the hospital room. He sat in the big chair and she perched on his lap. He rocked her gently, and he felt her whole body shudder as she started to sob.
"She's going to be just fine," he soothed. "You know that."
"I know," Meredith sobbed. "I could do that procedure in my sleep. But it's not someone else's child Derek. She's ours."
"I know," he agreed, "I know."
As he held Meredith, others began to trickle into the room. Burke and Cristina both sat against the wall opposite, Cristina's head on Burke's shoulder, Alex came in, filling out a chart. Izzie wandered in after scrubbing out and ran a finger over the shirt of Lydia's pajamas before having to dash out again on a page. George's shift ended, and he took position on the floor against the dresser.
"Cristina?" Meredith asked, after a while, when Derek had thought she might have fallen asleep.
"Yeah, Mer?" Cristina asked, sitting up a little.
"How'd the adoption thing go?"
"Pretty well," Cristina smiled. "It'll be a while, but hopefully within the year Lydia will have another playmate."
Meredith nodded, as the hospital room door opened again, to reveal Thatcher and Susan. "Hi Daddy," Meredith said, and then surprised Derek and probably herself by standing up to hug him. "She's in surgery. No word yet."
"Here, Susan," Derek said, offering Susan his seat. He sat back on the floor, and Meredith reclaimed her place on his lap.
"Do you want me to go observe?" Alex offered, suddenly, looking up.
"No," Meredith said. "Please stay."
Alex nodded and looked back down at the chart he was writing in.
The hours crept by, although he had to admit the pack in the room were very good at inventing games to make time past. He suspected them of long hours spent doing this as interns.
George went to the gift shop and returned with a book of Disney trivia. He bought it for Lydia, but they ended up going through it. Derek was rather surprised with Cristina and Meredith were tying for the lead in their small battle.
"I had a Disney obsessed roommate once," Meredith explained, "And I'm raising a five year old girl. What's your excuse?" she said to Cristina, who was building a tiny fort out of plastic straws.
"My mother," Cristina said simply and Burke laughed.
"Dr. Grey?" Dr. Weir said, coming into the room, "Dr. Shepard? We're through. Lydia made it through very well." Meredith jumped to her feet, pulling Derek with her and smiled.
"Can I see her?" she asked.
"In a little while, since she's a minor," Dr. Weir said, and then hurried out. Derek made a mental note to ask for further details on the procedure lately. In half an hour a nurse came to take Meredith up to recovery, and they soon brought a very drowsy Lydia back to her room. She woke off and on through the afternoon, sometimes crying, but always there were plenty of people to comfort her.
Susan and Thatcher brought her a stuffed bear from the gift-shop, and George brought her candy. Cristina told her a story, having to do with a 'not stupid princess'. It was late in the evening before they were alone with just their daughter. She was dozing, and Meredith was lying on the floor, her head on Derek's lap.
"We made it through this, Derek," she said with a smile. "She's going to be okay."
"Yeah, she is," he agreed. "She's strong, just like you."
"I'm not that strong," Meredith disagreed. "I just pretend to be." She yawned then, and Derek did not want to argue, he just shook his head and resumed stroking her hair.
A few moments later, there was a knock at the door. "Dr. Shepard?" a nurse said quietly. "Phone for you."
He stood up, curiously, and went out into the hall, blinking at the light.
"Hello? This is Dr. Derek Shepard."
"Derek?" Addison said, sounding slightly panicked. "It's Addison. I think I need help. I fell, and I think passed out. I don't know. I don't know what to do. Derek, I'm scared."
Fear was evident in her voice and Derek's heart went out to her. He thought of his little girl in the big hospital bed, and thought Addison sounded just as scared. Except Lydia had a whole pack of people ready to fight for her, and Addison didn't.
"I'll be right there," he promised and then hung up the phone.
"Mer?" he said, quietly, going back into the room. "Addiosn's in trouble."
"What's wrong?" Meredith asked, and to her credit, despite the danger her own daughter had just been in, she sounded fearful.
"She collapsed and she thinks she passed out. I'm going to go over there and see what's going on, and then I'll go home and get your things and Lydia's. I'll be back in a few hours, okay?" She nodded and he went over and kissed her. "I love you. You amazed me today, but you do that every day." She smiled and shook her head as he went over to kiss Lydia.
"Get better fast, baby," he whispered. "I love you to the moon and back."
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Izzie sat cross-legged on the top bunk of an on-call room. She should have been sleeping, she was on-call all night, but she couldn't. In a strange way, she couldn't focus enough to sleep; instead she sat there, staring at the wall opposite her. Her mind was full, thinking about how frightening it had been to see Lydia going through what she had been through today. Also watching Meredith and Shepard. Knowing what she thought she knew. It was confusing.
She had watched Shepard carefully when she was in the room with them and she couldn't really tell what was going on. If anything really was. But she couldn't explain seeing Shepard with Addison any other way.
And Meredith depended on him so much. She couldn't bear to see her friend break, which was why she hadn't said anything. She sighed to herself and threw a pen against the wall. As it hit the floor, the on-call room door opened and Alex came in, bounding onto her bunk in one swift leap.
"Hey," she said in greeting.
"Hey," he echoed, sitting close against her, shoulder to shoulder. "You okay?" he added after a minute.
She shrugged. "I guess. It just sucks, you know, to have a kid that little be going through all that."
"Yeah it does," Alex agreed, sucking a hiss of air in between his teeth. "She's a trooper." Izzie nodded and smiled as she thought of the times she had watched Alex playing with Lydia. He would swing her up in the air, with Meredith watching nervously off to the side. Lydia would squeal with excitement. He was natural with her.
"Alex?" Izzie asked, nervously, twirling a lock of hair around her finger.
"Yeah?" he said, laying his head in her lap.
"Alex, I need to tell you something, it's serious."
"What is it, Izzie? I'm listening," he assured her, peering up at her with concern.
She paused for a minute to figure out exactly how to word what she was going to say. "I…. I don't know how to tell you this…. The thing is…. I'm not sure that I want that….." she trailed off, uncertainty winning over.
"Want what, Izzie?" he prodded, gently, taking her hand in his.
She took a rattling breath. "I don't know that I want kids, Alex. I used to, used to have the white picket fence image, but now, I don't know. It's not perfect, ever. I like my life. It's not that I don't' want to be with you. I do. But I just thought you should know that I'm not sure if I ever want kids."
Alex nodded slowly, and then sat up, his hand still in hers. He slowly took her other hand and met her eyes, turning her head with his eyes to make him face her. "Isobel Stevens, it's you I want to be with. Yeah, I kind of want kids, but if you don't, it's okay. It's not the end of the world. Hell, many people would be happy if I never passed my genes on." He smirked and Izzie laughed, although tears were welling in her eyes. "You don't have to worry about losing me, not over that…." He paused and licked his lips. "Not over that," he repeated, "and not over anything else. I don't want you ever to leave me, Izzie.
"Izzie?" he said, and as he continued she thought that she might be dreaming. "Will you marry me?"
"What?" she burst out. "You're proposing? Here? Now? Seriously?"
"What better place?" Alex said. "It's where we spend most of our time. I'm sorry I don't have a ring, but if you want to pick one out…. Assuming of course…, Well, what do you say?"
Never before had Izzie heard Alex be so near to speechless, and she had to admit that it was amusing. In response to his fumbling she kissed him to shut his mouth, and then nodded. "Yes," she said. "I'll marry you."
Alex's face broke out into a grin. "Well all right then," he said, and then kissed her, leaning her back on to the pillow. She wrapped her legs around him and felt a weight be lifted off of her, even as his weight was on top of her.
A/N I'm at school! Very exciting. I think I may have just realized that this one may not be as long as I Wish I May or Serenity (chapter wise, on that one, as I think it's already much longer than Serenity….), but after this I have the last chapter of In My Daughter's Eyes and a one-shot that is completely different from all of these :)
Review!