PA2: Before we start this chapter, we have to address the elephant in the room.
MP: Insult me all you want, but I'm not dieting!
PA2: The other elephant in the room. The royal one. Seriously man, not everything is about you.
MP: Royal elephant? What happened to Babar?!
PA2: Can we stop dragging out this joke and talk about Queen Elizabeth already?
MP: Oh, yeah, that one. Honestly, I totally called this happening when we were writing this chapter. Remember, PA2?
PA2: Yeah, I do. So, for those who are reading this years from now, about two months prior to this chapter's release date, Queen Elizabeth II passed away at the age of 96. Normally, this wouldn't be worth mentioning in an author's note, but given that we're in the middle of our England adventure and the next few chapters were written months in advance of that particular event, well…
MP: The Queen gets more than a few passing mentions in this chapter. And in the chapters after that. We just want to say we respect Her Royal Highness, and felt we needed to acknowledge her passing.
PA2: And, more importantly, explain why the Queen keeps getting mentioned. We're not rewriting months of work for Charles of all people.
MP: Regardless of anyone's feelings about the monarchy, I think the world can agree she was a very classy lady.
PA2: Yep. Anyway, all that being said, please enjoy the chapter!
Jackie Chan Adventures: Olympian Journey
Chapter 19: Practical Magic (Not That One)
"These streets are a jumbled mess!" Eris complained as her chariot swooped over downtown London, her head spinning a full 360 degrees trying to locate Buckingham Palace. "I've never felt such a combination of pride and irritation! How does anybody in this town find anything?"
"You get used to it," Vanessa sighed. "At least you don't have to deal with traffic. Keep to the south side, we're coming up on it."
Pristine buildings and bridges flew by in a blur as the chariot swept over the river Thames. The group soared over roundabouts and flats until it finally reached a long, level stretch of green.
"There's Kensington Gardens!" Vanessa exclaimed. "Head southeast from here! I can see it in the distance!"
Eris grunted and swung the reins, the storm spirits whipping to the side and speeding over. A shape loomed up ahead on the ground below, an enormous square of majestic limestone surrounded by iron gates and marble statues and fountains. "Swanky place," the goddess commented. "Maybe I'll give it a makeover and move in when I rule the universe. Anyway, brace for landing - or don't. Personally, I like to be surprised."
In the back of the chariot, Zhixin was holding onto the railing with all four hands while a miniature paper Kasahara, who had been taking in the view from Vanessa's coat pocket, dove back into its depths. Hak Foo, his human glamour going strong, smirked and flung himself over the side.
"Flying squirrel catches bree-" he began, only to be interrupted by his face, unsurprisingly, slamming into a hard and unyielding surface. What was surprising, though, was that that surface wasn't the ground.
"Whoa, nelly!" Eris cried, yanking hard on the reins, but it was too late. With a sound like crashing into a brick wall, the chariot went down hard on what could only be described as a solid wall of nothing. While Hepheastus's work held up without damage, Vanessa and Zhixin were tossed from the back, sliding across thin air face-first before screechily coming to a stop. The storm spirits whinnied in distress from the sudden landing, dissipating out of their harnesses and blasting off into the air with a thunderclap, leaving Eris standing alone inside her vehicle.
"...well that was unexpected," she said blandly. Without a moment's hesitation, the Goddess of Discord proceeded to step out of her chariot, her feet solidly resting against the air. As she shifted her weight around, she continued, "Hm, slight incline here…can't believe we got this lucky. Alright, everybody up! Naptime's over!"
"Ancient wisdom," Zhixin moaned as the old monk pushed himself to a semi-upright position. "Though the spider returns to the catacomb, its tattered web must be spun anew."
"What does that even - you know what, it doesn't matter. What just happened?" Vanessa asked as she was helped up by Kasahara. Unlike the other Agents, the fold-up man seemed mostly unscathed by the crash. Perhaps inspired by Zhixin's words, he skittered around on the invisible presence in the form of a paper spider, save for his human face, only to begin slipping. "And what in the world is wrong with you?"
"It's too smooth!" Kasahara complained, morphing into a paper chimp, then an ant, then a lizard. "I can't get purchase!"
"Of course you can't, moron. There's nothing to get purchase on!" Eris snapped, scooping him up and depositing him on her shoulder. "Everyone just stay still! We were lucky enough to land at the top, but one slip and it's a one-way trip to the pavement."
"Ugh…" Hak Foo groaned as he began laboriously peeling himself off the air. "You mean…we've landed on an invisible dome?"
"No! Well, mostly no. It is dome-shaped," Eris admitted. She morphed her feet into snails and inched along around the group, leaving twin trails of mucus behind her. "But what we're standing on right now is a magical barrier. And a powerful one at that."
"Buckingham Palace has magical defenses?" Vanessa asked. "That's…actually, that makes sense."
"But why a dome?" Kasahara wondered. He finally found stability in the form of a paper snake, inching along with his belly pressed against the invisible barrier. "Wouldn't a giant magic wall be more effective?"
"Not from the air," Hak Foo snorted.
"Bingo," Eris congratulated, giving the martial artist a thumb's up. (Literally. She literally removed one of her thumbs and tossed it to him.) "A solid wall might seem nice, but there's only so high it would be able to go. A dome? You can press that down tight and cover the entire palace grounds." She regrew her thumb and stroked her chin. "Probably a full sphere, actually. Protects the underside, too.
"And with a curved surface, any intruders would most likely end up sliding straight to the ground," Zhixin mused. "If hitting the spikes on that fence didn't kill them, it would be easy for the guards to take care of them."
"Great," Vanessa spat. "And if they have the wall, they also have to have alarms. So now they know we're here, and we have to take the tourist entrance! And here I was hoping to have enough time for a manicure!"
"Ugh, maybe I shouldn't have wasted time conjuring that storm," Eris grumbled. "We might've been able to break straight through if my babies were at full power."
"Speaking of them, can you call them back?" Kasahara asked nervously. "If we stay up here any longer, I may faint."
"That won't be an issue for long!" Eris cackled. She spread her arms wide and placed her palms down on the invisible dome. "This big bubble might've caught us off guard, but it wasn't built to stand up to the power of a true god!"
The Goddess of Discord's face contorted with rage, her eyes bulging to the size of billiard balls and popping out of her skull, conveniently caught by Zhixin before they could get away. Veins popped in her neck as her face reddened, her arms swelling in size. Anger and pure strength were channeled through her fingertips, and after a moment, tiny glowing cracks spiderwebbed over the surface of the invisible dome.
"Wait," Vanessa said, raising her head as she realized something. "If we're up here, and the dome breaks…"
Her words were drowned out as the invisible barrier shattered to nothing, and the group plummeted straight down into the palace grounds.
0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0
"I forgot what a slog it was getting to this place!" Captain Black huffed as he collapsed on his knees, sweat staining his dark suit.
"You should've taken off your jacket," Tremaine told him, shaking her head. Her hair was a mess, but she was faring better than her boss, and dressed far better for the trip in cargo pants and a loose tee, her bomber jacket tied around her waist. "And worn something other than a sweater underneath."
"We're meeting with gods, Tremaine!" Captain Black snapped. "I need to look my best!"
"Right, drenched in sweat and about to pass out," Tremaine replied with a shake of her head.
"Get this all out of your system before we enter the temple," Tohru sighed, shaking his head. The sumo was wearing his usual outfit, albeit with one addition: a canvas duffel bag which rattled with the clank of metal on metal.
The majesty of the Ben-Shui Temple loomed before the trio, a cluster of tall sandstone pagodas surrounding an open courtyard. Even from afar, they could sense its positive energy: birds sang over the open square, and even the sunlight inside the courtyard seemed to be brighter. Tohru took out a cloth and did his best to wipe off the captain, then pocketed the rag and knocked on the only thing indicating an actual entrance: a walnut arch.
"Not big on security, are they?" Tremaine asked.
"It is what you cannot see that matters," Tohru explained. "The Ben-Shui order has nothing to hide. They are protected by a barrier of good chi that evil forces cannot pass without invitation."
"You know, the standard vampire clause," Captain Black added with a smile.
"I see," Tremaine said, quietly, And indeed, she did. Now that she was looking more closely, she could discern what seemed like a pane of glass filling the arch, blurring the courtyard beyond. It was subtle, but once seen, it couldn't be unseen.
In a few moments a figure waddled over. It was a small man with a round face and big, shining eyes, one with a shaved head and a simple orange cotton robe that went all the way down to the ground. He stared up at the visitor and broke into a huge smile.
"Master Tohru!" the short monk exclaimed. "So good to see you again! And I recognize Captain Black as well." He nodded in the captain's direction, then turned to Tremaine. "And you I do not know, but welcome."
"Name's Tremaine," the third member of the team said, reaching out a hand. The monk shook it, his smile broadening.
"I am Brother Tenzin. Welcome to the Ben-Shui Temple. Any friend of Tohru is a friend of mine." He released Tremaine's hand and waved them inside. "Come in, come in! We have been preparing for your arrival."
Tohru held the door for the others as they cautiously stepped within the temple grounds, into a large courtyard where many more robed monks waited. Some waved and smiled, while others were deep in meditation. A single breath, though, filled their lungs with some of the cleanest, purest air they'd ever had.
"I can see why you chose this place," Tremaine told Brother Tenzin. "I'm not exactly in tune, but even I can feel the good chi!"
Brother Tenzin chuckled politely. "You certainly are perceptive for one not trained in chi wizardry. However, it is not this place that blesses us with good chi, but the other way around. Generations of monks, led by a Chosen One, have gifted our home with immense purity. It is thanks to this that we may indeed have a chance of contacting the Eight Immortals."
"Though the task is sure to be fraught with difficulty," came a slow, sonorous baritone. Another monk stepped forth from around a corner. This one was taller than most, as well as older, with tan lining to his robe and a pointed beard that reached the top of his chest. He leaned on a heavy wooden staff, and stared at the group with shining eyes under heavy brows. "Hello, Tohru," he continued, giving a nod in their direction. "Please understand that the Immortals left the material realm for a reason. Contacting them is sure to be more difficult than simple meditation."
Captain Black stared back at the High Mystic, not blinking. "All we can do is try," he said. "This is bigger than all of us. That armor is our best chance against forces beyond our understanding."
"Hence it will not be given lightly," the High Mystic replied. "A weapon that can fight gods is not something that a god would easily grant. Still, I know of no better heroes to try-unless, perhaps, you have brought our Chosen One?"
"She ditched us," Captain Black said dryly. At Tohru and Tremaine's confused looks, he added, "With the way our lives have been going, would you honestly be surprised?"
"True or not, Jade may well have been a liability in this case," Tohru said with a shake of his head. "The Eight Immortals value patience, harmony, and spiritual awareness. Jade…does not."
The High Mystic chuckled. "Very well. Then let the ritual begin. Come, brothers," he announced, raising his voice. "We must prepare them for their spiritual journey."
One by one, the monks slowly rose to their feet and moved into the central building. A few monks took Tohru, Captain Black, and Tremaine by the hands and gently led them in. The interior was big and empty, and smelled heavily of incense. A fire burned at an altar opposite the door. The monks, save for the High Mystic, surrounded the trio, assuming lotus position in a circle around them.
"Seat yourselves," the High Mystic told the trio as he waved his hand over the fire. "And gather your thoughts. If this works, you will take a journey beyond space and time-"
"Just keep us out of the Twilight Zone and we'll be fine," Captain Black said with a smirk. He closed his eyes, though, and tried to banish distractions from his mind. Unfortunately, his efforts were…less than successful. The incense was thick, and the monks were humming something. The humidity was also very distracting. How could anybody be expected to meditate like this?
Cracking an eye, he saw Tohru and Tremaine breathing deeply before him, drenched in sweat but not moving an inch. They both seemed to be in pain, but took it in silence.
"Free your minds from their physical prisons," the High Mystic advised. "The discomfort is only a distraction. The Eight Immortals ascended beyond such things, and now so must you."
Captain Black took a deep breath and tried again. His mind was a blank slate, only thinking of his next breath. It was only a moment before the sweltering heat took him.
The floor shook as all three of the group collapsed, unconscious.
"Is…is that supposed to happen?" Brother Tenzin asked, looking around.
0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0
Hak Foo let out an angry yell as he struck the ground with his face, and Eris hit on all fours beside him. Moments later, Vanessa and Zhixin gently floated down, clinging to Kasahara in the form of a parachute. They lightly touched down and took a moment to pull their comrades up.
"I suppose that would be 'Angry crow crashes into tree,'" Vanessa snickered as she lifted Hak Foo to his feet. The martial artist snarled and swung a punch at her, only for her to blink out of the way and end up next to Eris. "So, now that we've made such a spectacularly stealthy entrance, how long do you think we have before-?"
Suddenly, as if plucked from the very ether, the Agents of Chaos were surrounded by a small army of palace guards, each in the traditional uniform of crisp red jackets, pleated black pantaloons, muskets, and, of course, large furry black hats. There were eight of them, six men and two women, all of them standing ramrod-straight with their ceremonial weapons out. "Identify yourselves!" said the smallest one, a blonde woman with an upper-class London accent who wasn't much more than five feet tall. She stood slightly in front of the others, pursing her thin lips and narrowing her rather large hazel eyes. "Where did you come from?"
"Oh, just some lost sightseers, out looking for the Royal Mews," Eris replied, her voice lilting. She tossed her mop of tangled multicolored hair behind her head with a manic grin. "Think you can show us the way?"
"Wait, I recognize that one!" one of the men, a broad-shouldered Indian man, shouted, pointing straight at Vanessa. "That's the thief Vanessa Barone!"
"Relic hunter, darling," Vanessa corrected. "And mercenary. And…well, I suppose thief as well, but that's hardly what I want to be known for."
"Looks like she's found a new gang of Americans," the smaller woman snarled.
"Actually, I'm Chinese," Zhixin corrected.
"Japanese," Kasahara chimed in.
"I predate international borders," Eris piped up.
"And I'm Canadian."
Everyone turned and looked toward Hak Foo, who shrugged. "What?"
"It doesn't matter! Put your hands in the air!" the smallest guard ordered. The others took aim with their muskets. "You are under arrest for trespassing, property damage, and attempted thievery, all in the name of Her Royal Highness!"
"None shall be higher than me!" Eris snapped, clenching her fists. "Or lower. Or further in any direction! Reality is mine alone to rule! Team, take them out!"
"Finally!" Vanessa cheered, stretching her arms over her head. "What shall we say, two each?"
"And what am I supposed to do, twiddle my thumbs?!" Eris snapped. She angrily ripped off her own digits, which indeed wriggled against each other. "No, you'll each get one and you'll like it! The rest'll make for a good warm up!"
"Does she think she kin rammy four o' us?" the other female guard, a tall and heavily muscled black woman, made even taller by her massive hat and higher than standard heels, asked in a thick Scottish brogue.
"Let's disabuse her of those notions. Charge!" the small woman ordered. The entire group hefted their muskets and marched inward in unison, drawing ever closer to the Agents of Chaos.
"I'm feeling a little cramped," Vanessa complained. In a flash, she was standing behind the Indian guard who had spoken earlier. "Much better-now I have room to breathe!" she laughed, snapping her whip, wrapping it around his waist, and then pulling him, spinning, right up to her. With a swift kick to the chest, she knocked him straight into a nearby hedge, one so thick that he would have disappeared from view if it wasn't for his massive hat.
Kasahara, meanwhile, took aim at a wispy young man with a face full of freckles, transforming into a paper horse and charging him, sending him back. As soon as he was on the ground, Kasahara transformed again, this time into a paper scorpion, and lashed his stinger down. The young man rolled to the side and popped up like a jack-in-the-box, slamming a fist into the tail, which crumpled at his touch. Kasahara recoiled, then morphed into a paper ninja with blades for hands, swiping at the guard as he backed away.
Zhixin pounced on another guard, a slightly heavyset middle-aged man with a fluffy handlebar mustache, using one pair of arms to choke him while the other pair forced his wrists behind his back. "Ancient wisdom," he snickered in the guard's ear. "The tiger is master of the jungle because he does not stalk his own kind."
And speaking of tigers, Hak Foo was currently engaged in hand-to-hand combat with the shorter of the two women, who was putting up an impressive showing. Despite her small stature, the woman was continuously able to match Hak Foo blow for blow, deflecting his strikes with the ease of someone who was used to fighting opponents much bigger than her. However, rather than being frustrated, the Black Tiger seemed completely relaxed.
"I was not expecting to find a worthy opponent here today," he said, a manic grin stretching across his face. "And I still have not. Gorgon claws shred fisherman!"
Hak Foo raked his open hands through the air, but the woman ducked away, nailing him with a kick to the chest as she did. The Black Tiger literally rolled with it, leaning back and forcing himself up on his hands to swing both feet at her. "Manticore stings traveler!"
The woman retreated only slightly, using her musket to block the attack, only for Hak Foo to leap by pressing his palms to the ground and wrap his arms around her knees. "Bukavac throttles deer!" he shouted as he clenched his legs around her neck, squeezing until her face turned crimson. The guard, undaunted, jabbed the bayonet from her musket directly into Hak Foo's butt, leaving him to yelp and retreat. "Wantley dragon suffers humiliation!"
As Hak Foo regained his footing, the lead guard drew a deep breath and slammed her bayonet into the ground. It morphed into a five-foot staff of ancient oak. She raised it above her head and called to her troops.
"This is no ordinary threat, men!" she bellowed, raising her voice for the first time. "Present your true arms! Do what is necessary to protect the crown!"
"Yes, Captain Lewis!" all seven of the remaining guards (even Vanessa's opponent, still mostly buried inside a hedge) answered back as they slammed their weapons in unison, transforming them into identical staffs. Zhixin's opponent moved first, swinging it into the monk's side and conjuring a blast of water with the strength of a fire hose's stream, blasting Zhixin back.
"You have magic?!" Zhixin sputtered as he crawled like a spider to dodge another spout.
"They have a magic barrier, why are you surprised?!" Vanessa snapped back as the Indian guard sliced his hedge prison to pieces with what seemed to be invisible blades.
"Water and air…" Hak Foo muttered, glaring at the two guards. "We're dealing with elementalists!"
"Surprisingly astute for a brute like yourself!" the lead guard declared as she slammed the butt of her staff against the ground. Immediately, the ground beneath Hak Foo's feet softened into quicksand, sucking him down up to his waist.
"Wait, then that means…" Kashara stammered, only to yelp and dive out of the way of a searing ball of fire launched by his own opponent. However, as soon as Kasahara dodged, the ball actually halted in midair for a moment and then went flying back at the fold-up-man. Desperate, Kasahara literally flattened himself and turned to the side, letting the fireball fly past him and light a shrub ablaze. Snarling, he lifted himself up and transformed each of his fingers into tiny knives, leaving the rest of himself in human form, and pounced at the freckled mage.
"You haven't a prayer!" Lewis announced. She lifted her staff and quaked the earth beneath Hak Foo, sinking him deeper into the earth while still staring at him with that fixed stern expression. "We guards have trained for a lifetime in ancient magicks, all to defend the throne of England! A few rogues such as yourselves could never know our mental and spiritual discipline!"
"Ugh, I hate that word!" Eris groaned, her voice echoing throughout the grounds. The four guards surrounding her were blasting away with all four elements, but she bounced and stretched like a rubber hose cartoon to dodge every one. "Honestly, discipline? Government? Stuffy old rules and traditions? Vanessa, if you don't change this place up when you move in, I'll have to burn it down just to eliminate the stench of order!"
"Ye'll pay fer tha' insult!" the Scottish woman snarled as she conjured a boulder and fired it at the goddess. Eris smiled and caught it in midair, launching it at the nearby water mage, who slowed it down only enough for him to roll out of the way.
"And really, you think to hand over Buckingham Palace to a pathetic thief like Vanessa Barone?" Vanessa's opponent asked incredulously, shaking the last bits of hedge off of his uniform.
"I told you before, love," came Vanessa's voice, whispering straight into the guard's ear. "I prefer relic hunter."
Gasping, the guard tried to spin around, only for Vanessa to slam a fist into his stomach, knocking the wind out of him. As he doubled over, gasping for air, Vanessa grabbed hold of his staff.
"Funny thing about air mages," she said with a grin. "Fighting close range is bloody tricky for 'em. Unless you want to try slicing me apart without nicking yourself, I suppose."
"Don't you dare underestimate me!" the guard snapped. While he couldn't break free from Vanessa's iron grasp, he did have just enough room to slam his staff against the ground. In an instant, a massive burst of air radiated out from him, buffeting Vanessa with incredible force.
"Not much to underestimate!" Vanessa replied confidently, but a slight sheen of sweat was forming on her brow. While the wind was not inherently damaging, it was clear that the intense currents were not only keeping her from moving, but also slowly but steadily pushing her away. Even so, she kept her hands locked tightly around the staff, dragging her opponent back with her.
In the meantime, Kasahara was busy just dodging streams of fire from his own opponent, tumbling and leaping to stretch himself past them as the lawn burned around him. He lunged in close, though, and used his bladed fingers to slash the mage's staff in two. The guard's face actually fell, betraying his disciplined training, until he spun the two halves and clocked Kasahara in the skull with both, then conjured two weaker balls of flame. Kasahara was hit directly in the chest and stopped, dropped, and rolled before the flames could do him in, then returned to fully human form and opened his palms, launching himself in with a karate chop.
Zhixin, on the other hand, kept his distance from his opponent, keeping his hands up against the chubby mage. He fired blasts of chi that the guard blocked with discs of ice which shattered on contact. As Zhixin charged a blast with his two left hands, though, the mage conjured an orb of water the size of a beach ball and flung it at the monk. Before Zhixin could fire, the inked inscriptions on his hand washed away, and his spell sputtered and died. Annoyed, Zhixin spun and launched a single blast from his right hand, catching not only his own mage in its blast, but also Hak Foo's and two of Eris's.
That brief moment was all Hak Foo needed. With a roar, he burst free from the earth and dropped his glamour. A dark curtain of sorts fell over him, spattered with small sparkling lights, like a miniature night sky. It fell around him, exposing the monster beneath. Hak Foo's body had mostly kept its shape, though he was slightly more hunched, but every bit of it was coated in a layer of slimy mucus that kept him moist. Silvery fish scales covered his torso, while his legs were smooth, greenish, and overly long, ending in oversized webbed feet, like a frog's. Between big, milky white eyes, an anglerfish's lure dipped out from his forehead, dangling over a mouth bulging with ultra-sharp triangular teeth that fit together like puzzle pieces in a violent sneer. His nose had flattened into his face, leaving only tiny slits that vibrated slightly when he breathed. Sets of five gills flapped on either side of his neck. His fu manchu-goatee combo had transformed into the wriggling barbels of a grotesque bottom feeder, though his hair, like his past transformations, remained the same.
Most disturbing of all, though, were the thug's arms. Like his legs, they were now long and smooth, his joints seemingly gone as they writhed in all directions. They were inky black in color, and scrawny near the shoulders, leading up to bulbous points at the end. Where his hands should be, though, were the heads of eels. The one on the right was enormous, with extra-wide hinged jaws lined with tiny but very sharp teeth in a mouth that nearly wrapped all the way around its head, while the one on the right was smaller and smoother, with dead-looking eyes and a circular mouth lined with dozens of teeth in concentric rows. He whipped the appendages, and they hissed and puckered in the air.
For possibly the first time in history, an on-duty Buckingham Palace guard lost control of her face. Her mouth writhed in disgust, gaping open like the deep-sea monstrosity Hak Foo had become. She took an involuntary step back and started dry-heaving.
"Yes, I know, hardly the most appealing sight," Hak Foo chuckled, his voice now slightly distorted, as if he was talking underwater. He crouched down, power gathering in his legs, as he continued, "But I've never been one to care for my looks-"
"Hey, you've never been hotter!" Eris catcalled, twisting into a wheel to roll between her own opponents.
"-when in exchange, I can achieve wonders like this! Ketos devours Andromeda!"
0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0
Captain Black was the first to awaken, groaning and dabbing his bald scalp with his sleeve. He pulled himself to his feet and rubbed his eyes. His surroundings brightened, but stayed fuzzy. It looked like the countryside near the temple. Did the monks drag them out here?
Tremaine and Tohru were in front of him. He roused them both. They, too, dabbed the sweat from their skin and let out exhausted moans. "What happened?" Tremaine asked.
"Your guess is as good as mine," Captain Black told her, taking another look around. They were on an old dirt road that stretched across the horizon in either direction. Rolling green hills and high, craggy mountains dotted the landscape, but there wasn't a single sign of civilization. "Maybe the monks decided we weren't worthy and dumped us outside?"
"I do not believe so. If we were unworthy, they would have turned us away at the door," Tohru mused. "Also, no matter how unworthy we were, I do not see the monks stooping so low as to loot our unconscious bodies." It was then that Captain Black noticed that Tohru was missing his duffel bag.
"And even if it was, they'd have a devil of a time hauling you," Tremaine added. "No offense."
"Do you mind taking this elsewhere?" a sharp female voice asked from behind the captain. The trio spun to find themselves face to face with a very old Chinese woman in a gray robe, glaring at them and rubbing her hands in frustration. "You are cutting in line! I didn't wait 38 years to be pushed back!"
Similar voices sounded behind her. For some reason, it took a moment to see their sources. A long line of people, mostly Chinese and all in identical robes, extended beyond the horizon.
"What the-?" Tremaine muttered, only for the woman to give her a shove.
"Just because you died young doesn't entitle you to special treatment, missy!" the old lady snapped. A line of people behind her grumbled in agreement. "Processing is done in order, and that's that! You'll get your chance at reincarnation just like the rest of us!"
"I'm going to be a peony blossom," one man in front of them said, his voice serene. Others around him nodded and complemented his choice.
"Yeah…" Captain Black drawled, stepping out of the line. "We'll, uh, leave you to that. We're…we're just visiting."
The stern woman's face softened. "Ah, so you're those types. Should've figured. The big one practically reeks of good chi."
At that, Tohru started. "You can tell that much?" he asked, his eyes alight. "You must be a powerful wizard yourself to notice."
The woman laughed, a snort oddly similar to his mother's. "Not at all, dearie. But dying tends to open your eyes to a few things."
As Tohru pondered this, another gust of wind blew through, lifting up the hem of the woman's robe. However, what was revealed was not a pair of feet, but rather a wispy tail, floating inches above the ground. He averted his eyes, blushing at the sight.
"Just go to the gates, dearie," the woman said, pointing ahead in line. "They'll put you right through. Probably take you less than a year."
"Um…thank you…?" Tremaine said, tilting her head in confusion.
"Don't mention it. Or rather, please do! If they know I helped you out, they might push me up a few places!" the woman chortled.
"Hey, no fair!" yelled the man behind her, before he started shouting in rapid-fire Mandarin. As the woman began arguing back, Captain Black and the others quickly started jogging along the outskirts of the line.
"So, we pass out in Bhutan and wake up in a line of ghosts. Where the Hell are we, exactly?" Tremaine asked.
"'Exactly' is right," Tohru answered succinctly. "This is Hell. Or rather, 'Diyu,' the Chinese equivalent."
"Why exactly are we in Chinese Hell?!" Captain Black sputtered, his face reddening both from exertion and from frustration. "Are we really that unworthy that we needed to come here?"
"It is not that simple. While Diyu is called Hell, it is actually far closer to Purgatory," Tohru explained. "All souls are sent here when they die, good or bad. They go through punishments for the sins that they had committed in life, and then they are reincarnated once their slates are cleared."
"Okay, I guess that makes sense," Tremaine said. "But why are people lined up for punishment instead of clawing their way out?"
"Three reasons," Tohru said. "One, because it is the only way to reincarnate, which is in turn the only way to eventually achieve immortality. There is no Heaven as the west understands it in this system; Paradise is for the gods and the enlightened. Two, because they are on the way out of punishment for their assigned reincarnation."
"And what's the third reason?" Captain Black asked.
"Paperwork," Tohru answered bluntly. "The more they fight and shove, the longer it takes to be processed."
"Better get a move on, then," Captain Black sighed, staring at the impossibly long line ahead of him. "We've got a ways to go, and too much is happening topside for us to stand around jawing."
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With a mighty leap, the Black Tiger shot forward as if flung from a spring, his massive mouths wide open and sharp teeth glistening. Yelping, the guard quickly tapped her staff onto the ground, causing her to sink through the earth like it wasn't even there. However, she wasn't fast enough, as Hak Foo's "hands" each managed to take noticeable bites out of each of her arms.
As Hak Foo landed, he quickly spun around, only to see the top of the guard's huge hat disappear under the earth. "Hm, sneaky little thing," he muttered, absently licking the blood off his claws with a thick, slimy tongue that was ringed like an earthworm. With a rumble, the woman surfaced behind him, now coated in a thick layer of earth that tripled her size, forming around her like some sort of mech suit. She swung a staff of cracked bedrock, but Hak Foo slipped under it, springing and ramming into her chest with a surprisingly hard head that cracked her armor, crying "Capricorn bash!"
The guard stumbled back, panting hard as dirt crumbled from her suit. "You are stronger than I expected, creature," she admitted, twirling her staff like a trained martial artist. "But I shall not disappoint Her Majesty!" She slammed it down on the lawn, and mounds of earth rose up beneath Hak Foo's feet, sending him off-balance. As she moved to strike, though, he blocked with his right arm and launched the eel on his left directly at her face.
"Empousa drains animus!" Hak Foo snarled. Lewis let out a muffled wail as the lamprey arm latched onto her forehead, its body pulsating as it drained something from her. Her rocky armor began to fall away, but before too much could be done, she stomped the earth and raised a mound of rock directly under the eel. The wretched creature stretched and strained, but eventually broke its grip on the guard, who quickly patted the circular scar between her eyes.
"How did you-?" she began, only for Hak Foo to start laughing.
"Do you really think my mistress wouldn't prepare me against wielders of magic?" he taunted, flexing his lamprey arm. "Your power has a wonderful taste. Let me take some more!" he shouted, launching himself at his opponent once more.
Vanessa, as this went down, swept her leg beneath her own guard's feet, but the guard pushed them both upward with a strong updraft and began pushing them back and forth through the air. Vanessa, grimacing, let go of the staff and teleported aside, only to crash down on the lawn as the Indian guard landed harmlessly ten feet away.
"Teleporting doesn't work so well in midair, does it?" the guard chuckled as Vanessa collected herself.
"As soon as I move in, you're fired," Vanessa replied with a sneer. She launched her whip again, but this time the guard was too fast. He conjured a tornado and pulled Vanessa into it, trapping her within the vortex. The relic hunter writhed and squirmed as she was wrapped up in her own whip and ponytail.
"Go ahead and warp," the guard chuckled, straightening his hat. "You'll be flung straight to Dover!"
Kasahara stayed on the defensive on his side, leaping and rolling away from explosive fireballs from his own opponent. "It's no use to resist," the freckled guard warned him. "The fire shall soon consume you!" The fold-up man just grunted and threw himself at the guard, latching his arms and legs around him and quickly turning his fingers back into blades.
"I do not care to mince words," the art thief hissed into the guard's ear. "So I shall make this quick and relatively painless."
"Funny," the guard chuckled in spite of the situation. "I wouldn't have granted you the same." He spun his broken staff and two mounds of flame appeared, shaping themselves into animal forms, a lion and a unicorn. The lion let out a crackling roar and pounced on Kasahara's back, scorching his robe, while the unicorn speared one of his legs with its horn. Kasahara released the guard, gritting his teeth in pain, and forced himself away on his good leg as the guard and his twin creations advanced. With a grunt, the fold-up man leapt into the air and transformed into a paper eagle, swooping away from the blazing constructs as fast as he could-that is, until they sprouted wings of their own.
Back with Zhixin, the monk was angrily firing blasts rapid-fire from his right hands, sending the bolts of green energy out like machine gun bullets. While his opponent was able to dodge most of them, having encased his body in a massive orb of water that slid and spun around the battlefield, the onslaught forced him to focus almost entirely on defense. The husky mage switched tactics, whirling himself at top speed directly through the blasts, repelling them as he moved in closer to the old monk. Zhixin had just enough time to gasp as the water pulled him in, then froze around him, leaving him trapped in place. Channeling his chi, Zhixin blasted his way out of the sphere, one of his last two hands now washed clean. The mage simply chuckled from within the airy center of his sphere and conjured two more bubbles just like it.
"Ancient wisdom," Zhixin muttered. "The mongoose kills one cobra, but flees from ten."
"You are pathetic!" Hak Foo shouted as he once again charged his armored opponent. "How could you be so unprepared for a weakling like that?"
"I don't see you coming over here and helping!" Zhixin snapped, glaring at the chimeric martial artist.
"Not a bad idea!" Kasahara called as he returned to human form in midair. He dropped down, dodging the twin beasts of fire, and transformed into a paper spider, jabbing his sharpened legs into the lead guard's stony armor. "I've got this one! Hak Foo, take the water mage!"
Hak Foo rolled his bulbous eyes. "Babies," he muttered before turning to his new opponent. "Selkie dive!" With his frog legs doing most of the work, the thug leapt through one of the spheres of water, and then another, undaunted by the change in momentum. His aquatic body simply pushed through it, and then another, and finally a third where he seized the water mage, disrupting his spell.
Now freed from threat, Zhixin moved on to the air mage, his one remaining source of chi blasts not even slowed by gusts of air. He let his robe billow and leapt up, riding the currents from above to fire the deciding blast to incapacitate the air mage.
Once freed, Vanessa smirked and teleported past the fire mage's guardian constructs and used her whip to knock the two halves of his staff from his hands. She threw them directly into the beasts, which burned up the wooden pieces and fizzled out on the spot right before Vanessa gave him a high-heeled boot to the butt.
"This is impossible!" Lewis shouted in dismay as she looked at her fallen comrades. "We are the elite protectors of Buckingham Palace! We cannot fall to mere thieves!"
"We are hardly mere thieves," Kashara scoffed, dislodging himself from her rock armor and shifting into his paper samurai form. "We serve a much greater purpose. A purpose that will rock the foundations of this world!" And with that, the fold-up-man slashed and sliced his way through the guard's protections, carving her out of her armor with incredible ease.
The defeated commander tumbled to the ground, barely catching herself with her staff and panting hard. Her traditionally straight face had slipped away, replaced by a sweat-stained glower as she turned to the sound of an explosion over her shoulder.
"Shouldn't you fools have learned by now?" Eris chortled, her voice much deeper than usual. Clad in a red overcoat over a charcoal suit, a scarlet fedora, and a pair of orange sunglasses, she towered over the unconscious bodies of her opponents, wielding an elaborate gun in each hand. "It takes a man to kill a monster. And you four don't even rate that high."
"We really need to try and limit her screen time," Kasahara whispered to Vanessa, who sighed and nodded.
"The throne of Britain shall never surrender to you!" Lewis snapped, panting and sending out a tremor that nearly knocked the group off their feet-"nearly" being the operative word.
"Don't act all high and mighty," Eris glowered, slowly advancing on her. "You're a glorified mall cop playing a game of statues. Your mages aren't prepared to handle a force such as us."
"Says the woman dressing up as a servant of the crown," Lewis spat out, punctuating her words by actually spitting on Eris's fancy riding boots.
"...you're lucky you actually recognized my cosplay, or I'd be tearing your arms off right now," Eris said coldly. She pistol whipped the guard and knocked her to the ground, before grabbing her by the scruff of her neck and lifting her up to eye-level. "You've got class and you've got skill. But you're really trying to talk tough right now? You're surrounded, you're beat up three ways to Tartarus, and you've got nothing in the tank. What makes you think you can get away with talking to me like that?"
"The full power of Her Majesty the Queen's Guard, that's what!" the earth mage spat back.
"The one we just humiliated?" Kasahara asked, raising an eyebrow.
"And then some," Lewis replied with a smirk. As if summoned by her words, a larger group of guards emerged from every door, gate, and shrub in sight, their muskets already transformed into staffs. Upon seeing their captain in Eris's hands, they immediately started attacking with bolts of their various elemental magicks.
"Retreat!" Vanessa ordered, gathering the group behind Hak Foo, who took the brunt of the enemy's attacks. Eris let out a growl and followed suit, slowly working backwards to their true goal, the Royal Mews.
"Don't worry about these losers," the goddess hissed to her subordinates. "Just focus on getting me to the Mews so I can take that trident. After that, maybe I'll just sink this whole island."
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"Ugh, it feels like we've been at this for hours!" Tremaine groaned, sweat dripping down her face. "How much further do we have to go?"
"Maybe…this is the trial…?" Captain Black asked, taking great huffing breaths on every other word. "Test of…our persistence?"
"I am afraid that seems unlikely," Tohru replied. Out of the three, he was the one who looked the least exhausted from the run, although his temples did glow with a noticeable sheen of sweat. "But I do think we are getting close. Look up ahead."
Panting, Captain Black and Tremaine managed to raise their heads enough to look up. While the landscape had remained static for basically the entirety of their run (green hills, high mountains, and vague shades of people), the three could now see what looked to be a river in the distance, complete with a picturesque bridge stretching across it.
"What is that?" Tremaine asked. "The way out?"
"In a sense. That's Naihe Bridge, where Meng Po lives," Tohru explained.
"Meng Po?" Captain Black repeated. "Is he the boss here or something?"
"She is the Goddess of Forgetfulness. She waits here at the end of Diyu and offers the dead soup to wipe their memories of their previous lives before they can reincarnate."
"Great, fantastic. And this helps us how?" Tremaine grunted.
"Diyu is a bureaucracy to end all bureaucracies. There is bound to be a clerk guarding the bridge to make sure the souls are ready to cross," Tohru said. "That will be our best option."
The ground finally went into a slope beneath them, and the trio eagerly sprinted down to the bridge with the last of their energy. Tohru was right; there was indeed a clerk on duty, signing and stamping papers as every spirit passed.
"Hello there," Tohru greeted, approaching the desk. The clerk's bent head tilted way, way up to see him. It was a man with a very long mustache and beard, all the way down to his waist. He was wearing a dark robe and a hat with a square top.
"Oh dear," the clerk sighed, before pointing with a long bony finger. "You're in the wrong line, aren't you?"
"Wait, you can tell?" Captain Black asked.
"Yes, it's blindingly obvious," the clerk replied, his voice dripping with snide disdain. "The three of you are dripping with life. Of course, that's why I'm going to have to ask you to leave. This is the line for reincarnation. The line for familial visits by mystical practitioners is about 3000 li that way." He pointed over his shoulder with his thumb.
"But we're not visiting family!" Tremaine snapped, putting her hands on her hips.
Looking from side to side, the clerk leaned in. "Look, I'm trying to do you a favor here," he hissed. "You really don't want me to send you all the way back to the Hell of the Wrongful Dead for karma purification. Trust me, you can get a lot done with these souls and free up my workload. Just get going."
"But 3000 li is over 900 miles!" Tohru objected. "We are only visiting the afterlife! We do not have time for such a journey!"
The clerk sighed. "Ugh, tourists," he muttered, shaking his head. "As the still living, you have ample spare chi. With a little effort, you'll find that you can travel much more quickly than you think. Just crouch down and jump."
Captain Black gave the clerk a funny look, but did as he said. That one jump propelled him up and out of sight. He soon came crashing back down, screaming, only to be caught in Tohru's outstretched arms. "Thanks, big fella," he said, wiping his brow.
"Anytime," Tohru answered, setting him down. "And thank you for your help," he continued, nodding at the clerk.
The clerk gave them a disaffected wave, and the trio smiled and crouched down once more. With a leap, they flew across the landscape.
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"Well, at least that nightmare is over!" Jade said, stretching her arms as she took her first steps into Heathrow Airport. The high ceilings and cool air were a welcome change from the plane's cabin. As usual, the passengers ignored any sign of magic, taking their lost time as an unfortunate change in air pressure temporarily knocking them out. The storm had delayed them enough that no one questioned it further, and the pilots were too busy retaking the controls to think about how the plane stayed up while they were all out. But after that there were terrible free cookies and sandwiches, so that was something.
"You mean the storm, the Monkey King, or having to fly the plane?" Jackie whispered.
"Nah, that was awesome. But those seats!" Jade shuddered at the thought. "Just awful. Now I know how Uncle feels when he falls asleep at his desk! Now c'mon, let's get a cab to Buckingham and…buck…some…" she sighed and cracked her back. "Ugh, I'll come up with a one-liner later."
Suddenly, Uncle's entire body started shuddering and shaking, his teeth clattering together and his eyes widening. "Ai-yah!" he shouted, looking around frantically. "Uncle has the willies!"
"Again?" Jackie gasped, reaching out to take hold of his uncle's shoulders and try to keep him still. "Why are they so violent this time?"
"Because there is so much magic in the air!" Uncle answered, shivering uncontrollably. "It is sending Uncle's senses crazy!"
"What does that mean?" Jackie asked, biting his lip. "Are we too late?"
"Tch," Jade dismissed. "You think this airport would still be standing if Eris got that kind of power?"
"No, not yet!" Uncle declared confidently. "Magic burping lady's magic is present, but is clashing against other types of power. Buckingham Palace must have magical defenses! Powerful ones!"
"Then we still have time," Jackie said, his voice filled with determination. "We need to get to the palace as fast as possible while we still have a chance!"
"What, you still think you can take my baby down?" a familiar voice cackled. "Hate to break it to ya, pal, but you ain't got a snowball's chance!" A colossal snowball rolled down the hall and into the gate, bursting open to reveal a very cold Monkey King. He shook the icicles from his fur and wrung the moisture from his tail before charging the group, staff out.
"What does it take to get rid of this guy?" Jade demanded.
"Wait a minute…" Jackie muttered, his eyes widening in horror. "Did you just say 'take my baby down?'"
"Oh? Penny finally dropping, eh?" the Monkey King chortled, his head literally transforming into a massive penny. "It's true," he continued, adopting an impression to match the stovepipe hat and false whiskers he was suddenly sporting. "Fourscore and seven centuries ago, two gods brought forth on a distant continent a new love, conceived in Chaos, and dedicated to the preposition that all men are equally deserving of torture and the occasional wedgie."
"Hang on," Jade gasped. "You mean you're working with Eris?!"
"Oh, is that what the kids call it these days?" the Monkey King answered, his head returning to normal. "Boy, children sure are sheltered now!"
"First off, ew!" Jade muttered, sticking her tongue out. "Second, why's a class act like you playing second banana to a washed-up hasbeen?"
At that, the Monkey King literally turned red, his body expanding and swelling until he stood ten feet tall. "DON'T YOU DARE TALK ABOUT MY BABY THAT WAY!" he screamed, the force of his shout expelling all the air that had inflated his body. "If it weren't for killjoys like you, the two of us'd be living the high life right now! And I ain't no second banana; I'm a first-rate boyfriend!"
"Magic burping lady freed Monkey King?" Uncle whispered to Jackie. "She is more foolish than I thought!"
"I don't know," Jackie said through gritted teeth. "Something about this whole situation seems off. But that is not important right now. Uncle, take Jade and hail a cab. Get to Buckingham Palace as quickly as possible," he continued.
"What about you?" Jade asked as she and Uncle slowly began to move away.
"I will meet with you later," he answered calmly. As the two suddenly started to run off, he moved in front of them and stared down the practical joking primate.
"So you want to go for another round, eh?" the Monkey King asked, his voice taking on a distinct posh British accent. "Well, sorry to disappoint, guvnor, but I ain't got time for that nonsense when my baby needs me! Cheerio, Chan!"
With that, the Monkey King leapt into the air and landed on top of his staff, which magically transformed into a garishly decorated penny farthing. His clothes now a classic three piece suit and a handlebar mustache on his upper lip, he pedaled straight at Jackie, forcing the archaeologist to dive out of the way as he shot cackling through the halls.
Thinking fast, Jackie seized a briefcase from the nearest traveler ("I'm sorry, I'll bring it back, thank you!") and hucked it directly into the bike's oversized front wheel. The Monkey King was bucked off and went flying, smashing through a glass window, but only laughed as he took to the air by opening an umbrella, gently floating away as he changed into a dark dress and flowered hat.
"Chim-chim-cheroo, Chan!" he laughed. "I'm off to give my baby a spoonful of sugar!"
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"Ugh, finally!" Tremaine cried, raising a triumphant fist as she saw the sign over the reception desk.
"Been searching a while, eh?" the clerk in front of her asked. She was a chubby woman with full, rosy cheeks, dressed the same as every other clerk the group had met as they leapt across an impossibly long landscape.
"Something like that," Tohru grunted. The problems had started as soon as they landed at the Visitation Center, which was an empty wasteland. The chi wizard privately believed that the clerk had only sent them there because he had expected them to run off purifying damned souls as soon as they were out of sight. The situation being what it was, though, they instead headed to find another clerk, who'd taken one look at them and promptly sent them down the chain.
So far they'd been to the departments of Reincarnation, Visitation, Torture, Promotion (which was depressingly vacant), Accounting, and about ten more before finally getting pointed in the right direction. "Well, we're happy to have visitors. Doesn't happen much nowadays. Anyway, welcome to the Divine Quests Department. What can I do for you?" the woman said cheerfully, a customer service smile lighting up her face.
"We're here to see about repairing the Armor of the Eight Immortals," Captain Black explained. "Or getting a new one. Either way."
The woman gritted her teeth and gave a sharp inhale. "Ooh, that's a tall order. The Eight Immortals are pretty hard to reach, but I think I can help you. I'll arrange a guide immediately-but don't expect an easy quest."
"Believe us, that's the last thing we were expecting," Tremaine grumbled.
"I have just the deity for the task," the clerk said with a smile. She pulled out a sheet of paper, had the trio sign it, then stamped it. A door magically appeared behind her and swung open. "He's right inside."
Captain Black entered first, followed by Tremaine and then Tohru. The door swung shut behind them, nearly smacking Tohru on the butt. They were now in what looked an awful lot like a colossal banqueting hall, each table covered with platter after platter of food. Dumplings and buns were piled into mountains, tureens of steaming soup on the end of each table, and trays of mixed vegetables smothered in black bean sauce wafted their aromas in every direction. Strangely, despite the sumptuousness of the hall, all of the dishes seemed to be vegetarian, with not a single piece of meat in evidence.
"Where are we?" Captain Black muttered, rubbing his chin with his hand. However, out of the corner of his eye, he saw Tremaine absently reaching for a nearby dumpling and whipped around, slapping her hand down.
"Ow!" she shouted, clutching her hand to her chest. "What was that for?"
"Don't touch anything!" Captain Black warned. "You don't need to be an expert in mythology to know you never eat the food in the afterlife unless you're already dead!"
"Especially in a trial such as this," Tohru said. In spite of that, his ample stomach let out a growl.
"Fine, fine," Tremaine grumbled. "I guess you have a point. But speaking of trials, when is ours gonna start? There's no one here!"
Indeed , the banqueting hall was completely empty, with only a single large door at the very back. However, before anyone could say anything, sound started coming from behind it.
"Ugh, I still don't see why I've gotta do this!" came a gruff, displeased voice. It had a nasty quality of alternating between a grunt and a squeal, and the nose sounded stuffy.
"Seriously?" came another voice, jovial and carefree. Tohru didn't know why, but he let out a shudder upon hearing it. "You don't see why you get the grunt work? I could point out a few moments in our own quest, if you need a refresher!"
"Oh, you make one mistake fifty times and you never hear the end of it!" the first voice whined back. "Fine, fine, I'll do it! But this is the last time for at least a hundred and fifty years! I wanna achieve enlightenment too, ya know!"
"Fine, fine, whatever," the second voice replied dismissively. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta get out of here. Have fun!" As soon as he finished speaking, there came a sound that somehow conveyed the sense of falling onto a featherdown mattress, immediately followed by the sound of a motorcycle revving and taking off. A smell that mixed incense, peaches, and motor oil filled the room.
"Ugh, my aching head," the first voice grumbled. "I swear, every time this happens he gets worse. I don't care what the head honchos are saying, there's only so much of this a guy can take, ya know?" After a brief pause, the voice shouted. "You gonna get over here or not? It's rude to lurk in doorways, ya know!"
The trio, recognizing being recognized, stepped forward to the other end of the hall as the door slowly swung open, revealing the figure on the other side.
"Whoa, nelly!" Captain Black exclaimed, jumping back. Tremaine and Tohru were right behind him.
The cranky speaker was a short and thickset man in blue robes, carrying what looked a lot like a garden rake. The robes were obviously of decent quality, but it was hard to tell under the food stains that were splattered over the sleeves and sides. Not that anybody noticed those - the pig's head sprouting from his thick neck was very distracting.
"What, never seen a guy with a pig's head before?" he snapped, putting his hands on his hips. "You humans are always so judgy!"
"It is not that," Tohru said, before tilting his head slightly. "Well, not only that."
"Um, it kinda is only that for me," Tremaine added, raising a hand. "Sorry."
"It's just that…well, you're not quite what we were expecting when we walked through that door," Captain Black said.
"What, you think that just because I'm a vegetarian doesn't mean I can't keep myself fat and happy?" the pig-man grunted. "That's a stereotype, ya know!"
The three Section 13 agents exchanged glances at that, before Tohru cleared his throat. "I…suppose I can relate to the sentiment," he admitted. "But who are you exactly?"
"Wait, you seriously don't know who I am?" the pig-headed man asked incredulously. "Have you been living under a rock? I'm everywhere these days, ya know!" he let out an exasperated sigh. "You're standing in the presence of the one and only Heavenly Tumbleweed, former Marshal Canopy and commander-in-chief of 80,000 Heavenly Navy soldiers, and the one and only Cleaner of the Altars! I'm Zhu Bajie and you all better show me some respect, ya know?"
"'Zhu Bajie?'" Tremaine repeated, her tone confused. "Is that supposed to mean something to me?"
Tohru, however, was staring at the newly identified man with a look of shock and horror. "Zhu Bajie?" he gasped. "As in…the former traveling companion of-"
"Tang Sanzang, yes," the pig-man grumbled. "Yeah, yeah. Oh, were you thinking of that other guy? Yeah, he gets all the fans, ya know?"
"What am I missing here?" Captain Black whispered to Tohru. "I'm a little behind in obscure Chinese legends."
"There is nothing obscure about him!" Tohru replied. "This is Pigsy, ally to the Monkey King!"
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MP: Any Journey to the West fans out there? Thought this'd be fun.
PA2: Indeed it is! And believe me, we've got a lot more of that coming in the next few chapters! After all, if Pigsy's here, that means that Journey to the West actually did happen. And if it did, then a lot of things start getting confusing, don't they?
MP: Don't think about it. Your brain will implode.
PA2: Actually, please do, because we want to hear your theories! Reviews and speculation keep us going as we keep writing! But theorize fast, because the answers will be revealed in all their glory next time! Tune in for Chapter 20: The Poseidon Adventure (Not That One), because it's going to be a whale of a ride!