Young Adults (Or, The Popular People Part II)

A rooster crowed. Around the world, a generation of teenagers who'd been popular at church turned into young adults. Their heads snapped from their pillows, and they simultaneously thought: "Aha! The time has come. I must have a mandatory identity crisis!"

Two teenagers in particular were called Chestnut and Edward.

Chestnut rushed down the stairs with a sparkle in his eye, and poured a big bowl of cereal. "What identity crisis should I choose?" he asked himself as a rainbow shaped marshmallow fell out of the box. "Hmm," Chestnut rubbed his chin. "Can't beat the classics."

Chestnut ran to his mother's closet, and selected a dress. "I always knew I never fit in with all those do-gooders at my church. Clearly I'm a girl!" (This was ironic, since Chestnut had been the most popular person of all at his church, and everyone had worshipped him).

"Now, what do girls like?" he wondered. His eyes fell onto a plastic Ariel toy lying on the floor. "Disney princesses! I did enjoy that Frozen movie. Indeed, I am truly a girl."

When he realised he only got 100 likes on the picture he posted on the internet of himself being a girl, he rushed to dye his hair blue, and was happy to see the likes rise to 101.

Chestnut walked down the street, letting the breeze flow through his hair. "This attention feels great!" he said, just before a tomato landed in his face. "Wh-what was that for?" he spluttered as some children ran away. He'd forgotten that only other young adults fell for each other's identity crises, but they looked like huge fools to everyone else.

Meanwhile, in the home of another young adult, who only hours before had been a follower of the famous exorcist Fr. Mario...

"Ah, I've got it at last!" said Edward, excited that his sister, who'd decided she was a man because she liked plaid shirts, would finally not be the only one getting all the attention. He decided he was gay.

He glanced toward Fr. Mario, who he'd worshipped so much, when it had been the popular thing to do. "Our friendship ends here!" he said, slamming the door in Fr. Mario's face. Then he opened it again. "And I don't need these anymore!" He dumped all his Mario Bucks (a currency all his popular followers used) onto the floor.

Chestnut and Edward had a Mario Bucks burning ceremony that night. The bonfire was large, and crowds of young adults flocked to add their Mario Bucks to the flames of the majestic fire.

Fr. Mario wasn't too worried at first, for in the past all he'd had to do when one of his followers did something he deemed to be evil一whether or not it actually was一 was talk about it once at church. However, when he tried that this time, he found most of his former fan club was not there, and the people who remained didn't give a toss what he said.

Chestnut was too busy buying a pink, sparkly magic wand to be at church. He'd decided to take up a new religion: witchcraft. "Just the kind of minority I'll get lots of attention for joining!" He clapped his hands. "In the 1800s there were some witch burnings, so I can get instant victim points without any effort!"

The next day Chestnut paraded around his old church in some fairy wings, bursting out in front of parishioners who were walking out the doors. "Are you going to burn me at the stake? Huh? Huh? Are you?" He waved his wand in their faces.

"Umm, no. That's okay," said the girl whose way he was blocking, slowly backing away.

Chestnut didn't understand why no one wanted to persecute him. "I must have to do something terrible to make them hate me. Then I'll get all the attention in the world!"

Chestnut decided to do something drastic, so terrible that people would be horrified, yet publicly acceptable enough that he'd still be seen as a victim if people tried correcting him. "Maybe I should steal something? No, too much work. Murder someone? Too messy." Then he had a thought: Should he stage a protest against the Catholic Church which had done absolutely nothing to him? "Perfect!"

"Catholicism kills people!" he shouted into a megaphone, ripping up a pro-life sign. "Thomas Aquinas is nothing compared to being in tune with your true identity!" He pulled out a spiky bat and shattered a window. "No more violence!" He called. "Love and acceptance above all! Rainbows and sparkles!" he yelled into his megaphone. "Those are the things that last forever! Wearing this pink Hello Kitty dress is part of who I am!" He put on a Hello Kitty mask. "This is the real me!"

"No it's not," said a small child. "God didn't make you Hello Kitty."

"Foolish child! I didn't mean I was Hello Kitty! It was a metaphor. I meant I was a girl!"

"Well that doesn't make sense," the child pointed out. So Chestnut did the only thing he could under the circumstances. He had the child sent to jail for offending him.

"My heart can't take that kind of blatant offence!" His blood pressure rose. "Offending my FEELINGS is UNFORGIVABLE!" He grinned evilly as the child was dragged off for execution. Then he tripped over a book called The Emperor's New Clothes. "This looks offensive," he decided. "I say we burn it." Then he got an idea from the emperor in the story. "You know, maybe I should have a parade of my own. It will get me lots of attention!"

Chestnut did succeed in getting lots of attention, but instead of pitying him like he'd wanted, everyone pointed and laughed. "Why won't they worship me?" He scratched his head.

That's when he finally swallowed some pride and decided to ask advice from someone who knew a thing or two about getting attention. He bent down on his knees to scrounge up bits of the burnt Mario Bucks, then went to find Fr. Mario himself.

At first, Fr. Mario refused to talk to him; he was too good to speak to sinners. But after three weeks of Chestnut following him around and pulling on his ankles, Fr. Mario finally agreed to talk to him.

"If you really want attention," said Fr. Mario, drawing from his knowledge of being an exorcist, "you need to look for demons. Demons in everything. Demons in cartoons, demons in children's books. Demons under your bed." Chestnut had no idea what he was on about, and took it to mean he should abandon witchcraft and become a satanist. He cracked his wand in two and instead purchased a pitchfork. Chestnut got a tattoo that said 'I love demons' and proudly showed it to Fr. Mario.

Fr. Mario slapped his forehead. "That is not what I meant, you idiot!"

"Oh, well that's okay," said Chestnut happily. "It works anyway!" And he was right, being a satanist got him lots of attention. When he walked into the room, babies cried, children screamed, and old people fainted and sometimes even had heart attacks. Heart attacks were his favourite, since they always drew the biggest crowds.

He was just giving a particularly elderly woman a heart attack when he bumped into his old friend, Edward.

"How's your identity crisis going?" Chestnut asked him.

"Well, to be honest," Edward's expression was awkward as he rubbed the back of his neck. "...I was just thinking… Maybe this identity crisis stuff… Maybe it's overrated?"

Chestnut's jaw dropped. "So, it's come to this."

"I've just come to think…" continued Edward, laughing hesitantly, "that maybe there's more to life than rainbows and sparkles, you know? What I'm trying to say is… I think I'm growing out of this phase, now that I'm no longer a young adult."

(Now this is a prediction we will all laugh at when it comes to pass:)

Chestnut saw the light: it was time… for him to have a dramatic conversion. That would get him the most attention of all.

And so just like that, Chestnut became Catholic again, just so he could make a big deal about his conversion. Years later, after reading more theology, which he hadn't cared about before, since it didn't make people very popular, he became a speaker who travelled all over the world, trying to talk young adults out of their identity crises. Not only because it gave him lots of attention, but also because when he was successful, it kept other people's identity crises from stealing away his own attention. But although he would never admit it, nor put the two brain cells he'd grown to any real use, he was also finally just a tiny bit smarter (and just a little less popular).

The End.