"Bella" Sam sounded pained. I tried to stop sharing my emotions, the last thing I wanted was to hurt him. Sam wrapped his arms around me. "Stop. Please stop."
"Stop?" I questioned my voice sounding dead to my own ears.
"I will go after Kyle. Please, share your emotions with me. I need to know you are alive. I need to feel what you are feeling. I need you. Whatever happens, you have me, for as long as you want" Sam spoke like a prayer.
"You can have me for as long as you want, too" I tried to fake a smile, letting my emotions travel through the bond once again.
"Let's start with forever" He kissed the top of my head. "I will be back soon. Promise"
I nodded, watching him walk out beyond the porch, stripping his shorts at the treelined before transforming into my favourite black wolf. Returning to the kitchen, I busied myself. Debating if I wanted to test my DNA. With my hands covered in dough, I knew I was living in painful ignorance. If I held on for longer, maybe this ignorance could become something like bliss.
Chapter 20: Innocent Truths
As Always Happy Reading
I shaped and cooked the buns, watching each of them become golden in the oven. I injected each puffy circle with a generous amount of the savoury mixture I had in the fridge. I finished with that before the men came back.
I felt myself begin to panic. I was standing in my imprint's house alone. Each moment had me worrying more. What if the girl at the party was right? Maybe I was not the one who should be tied so sacredly to Sam. He was the Alpha, meant to represent the best the pack had to offer. Would he be able to achieve that with me as his imprint?
Fuck. Where was my head? I had been allowing myself to be a teenager. I knew more than anyone that I was not deserving of that freedom. Fuck. I should be calling home to get more shifts the moment I land. It was not time to dream about life here. Now was the time to focus on the truth. If I wasn't Charlie's daughter, I was Renee's. Maybe Charlie wouldn't ask for the child support back. Maybe he would. Either way, I was out of options to pay for the mortgage if he was not my dad.
I doubt a man who had never claimed me would be willing to pay. It would be illogical to think this River man would offer to help an illegitimate child, let alone three.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Kyle's parents left him here. Walking over to the phone that hung like an antique on the wall, I thought about what number to call. I knew that Charlie was still at the party, though maybe it was wrapping up now. Taking a deep breath, I ran my finger along the name list beside the phone. Picking it up, I dialed the one person who I thought could help.
"Hello?"
"Leah. It's Bella." I quickly spoke into the phone.
"Hey. What's up?" She sounded tired.
"Have you been in wolf form yet?" I asked.
"Not since the last leech left the party, why?"
"Um. I think they need your perspective right now."
"Bella. Give me more than that." She sounded like she was moving.
"A man talked to us at the party. He said that someone could have fathered Kyle and Embry and..." I let the sentence hang. Fuck. Her mom was marrying my dad. This was not the time for this discussion. I just thought she might be able to help the boys calm down. She had helped me calm down during the party.
The party was a celebration of our parents getting married. Fuck. I didn't think. I heard her speaking almost like she was talking to me from the other end of a tunnel. I dropped the phone, letting it dangle from the cord. Still hearing her talking, each new sound from the other end of the phone sounded more panicked. I needed to be anywhere but inside right now. Each slow second broke my soul. If I stayed in the house waiting, what would the men come home to? I could feel myself breaking.
I mindlessly walked to the cliff face. Sitting far enough away from the edge, I focused on the sound of waves crashing. I had to be Charlie's daughter. The old man was wrong. I had Charlie's hair, people commented all the time that it was the same shade. He cared for me like a father. Would that stop if I was proved to not be his?
I blocked out all thoughts except the sound of waves crashing. I could almost feel a barrier cover my skin, like I was creating a shield against the outside world. Each moment dragged, like someone was slowly pulling my lifeless frame over coals, skin burning against the chill of the air. Has it only been a few days since I left the warmth of Phoenix?
My head was heavy with unspoken thoughts. I could not support it anymore. My back scraped against the bark for the tree as I slumped to the ground, head finding the moss of the forest floor. My lungs breathed in the scent of life and fresh dirt. I took the scent in like a person who would never smell it again. Each dragging moment, I felt my soul detaching. Almost like the loudness of my brain was pushing my soul out.
Brain spiraling, each moment a new intrusive thought. Always the next worst then the last. Maybe Sam would love me because the imprint forced him to. Do I want him to love me because it is forced? Maybe Charlie will choose to love me as a daughter regardless. Would that be fair to him? Force the person I consider a father to parent a child of infidelity? Could I ask Renee? Depending on the amount of drugs in her system, could she be a reliable person to ask? Sam said that Sue could have tests done for us. Will Sue ask Charlie to leave me if I am not his daughter?
The thoughts in my head became a dull roaring to my ears. Each thought overlapped the other, making them into a jumble of gibberish. Every moment cast a frost across my shield. The world was freezing me from the outside in. At the centre, the only thing holding me from falling apart was Sam. Without him, I would crack and break and become nonexistent.
Swallowing my fear, I counted the crashing of the waves. Willing myself to stay warm, be warm. With each thought of warmth, I pictured my body melting a snowflake along the shield.
1
Inhale
2
Exhale
3
Inhale
4
Exhale
5
Inhale
6
Exhale
7
Inhale
8
Exhale
9
Inhale
10
Warm arms encompassed my body. I did not need to focus my eyes to know who held me. The shield cracked around me as he held me, his body flush against mine. I felt his body moving against me. We swayed back and forth. I was momentarily confused by the motion, until the warm lights of the house flooded my vision.
People shouted. I did not pay attention to the sound. My body was exhausted because of the constant worry.
He did not falter in his movements as he walked us up the stairs. To the protest of someone, he shut the door behind us. I felt the bend in his body as he sat on the bed. His arms did not falter as he held me. I felt my body thawing little by little as he held me.
"Sorry," Sam whispered. I could hear the emotions in his voice. The word itself came out almost a choked whisper.
Slowly, his body rocked us back and forth. With every moment, I felt my soul stitching itself back together. I felt the pain in my heart with every beat.
"It's..." I started. The words failed me. What was I meant to say? I told him to go check on Kyle. I thought I could keep myself together. Years of holding myself together failed me. I failed. All because, in this short time, I became vulnerable here. As this man held me, I could feel how easy it would be to voice my fears. Yet, did I want to do that? What if the imprint was not strong enough? I was still under an obligation to go home to Renee. With Charlie as my father, I knew I could transfer schools and live here relatively easily. If he wasn't my Dad, would I be able to come back here?
Renee fought to get out of Forks. Was it because I started looking like I wasn't Charlie's kid? Was it because my bio dad was back in town? If Charlie was not my father, she kept it from Grandma. Grandma Dwyer told me everything, at least I thought so.
"Tell me about fishing with Charlie and Billy" Sam asked.
I felt my mind focus on his request. It was like it was more than a question, more like a request.
"I got up early in the morning. The first thing I noticed was that my bed was outrageously cold." I smiled at that memory. "Charlie was in the kitchen making us coffee. He had all the gear stacked up on the table. The same table that I had helped put Embry's leg back together on. I carried the cooler. Truthfully, I was afraid to break the fishing equipment. Now that I have gone fishing, I would be okay loading it, I think. Charlie tarped everything in the back of his truck. It was a short drive to the lake." I recited the memory.
I started feeling more calm as I spoke. Each moment in his arms brought me away from the fear at the cliff. Sam's hands brushed against my back. I leaned into the warmth of his body.
"Short drive?" Sam asked. I could tell from his tone he was trying to keep me talking.
"Yeah. We only drove fifteen minutes to the lake" I told Sam with a smile. Remembering the four short songs that repeated over and over again.
"Was Charlie speeding?"
"No. Why?"
"What did the lake look like?" Sam asked.
Maybe Sam had gotten the distance wrong. I hadn't gone there more than once. Charlie could have hit some luck in the drive. No traffic could have allowed us to get there faster. Humoring Sam I described the lake.
"It was beautiful. If I ever needed to explain to someone the magic of this place I would bring them there. A mist almost coated my skin when I got out of the car." I laughed "Is that a normal thing, moisture hanging in the air?"
"It can be" Sam sounded more serious than he had since he picked me up at the cliff.
"Sam, it was so pretty. I don't think I would be comfortable driving the boat though" I admitted.
"Why?" I could hear an icy note in his voice
"Honestly, I don't know how Billy knew where he was going."
"Why?" The ice seemed to force him to whisper in panic.
I lifted my head off his chest, feeling completely in control of myself. I smiled to myself thinking of the wonders this imprint thing does to me. Normally, I wouldn't shake a fear of that magnitude for days. With Sam, I was able to centre myself in less than an hour in his arms.
"Haven't you gone fishing with the Dads?" I asked. My heart stung slightly at that word, dad.
"Yes, I have. Why did you think Billy did not know where he was going?" Sam looked me in the eyes. I saw the need for him to know my answer.
"Because the fog was so thick. I was sitting in the front of the boat and I couldn't see out from the boat at all. There must be some science behind why I could still see the Dads." I rambled, waiting for Sam to take a breath. He was holding a breath, not releasing it. "Anyway I am fine. No injuries" I tried to stop him from feeling like I was in danger. I knew how he was worried when he found out I used to ride a motorcycle without a helmet.
"What did you do on the boat?" Sam asked.
"I had some beers, caught fish, talked about what it means to be an imprint." I tried to give him the gist of what happened on the boat.
"Did they ask you questions?"
"Yeah. I figured that went without saying. It was time spent with Charlie after years of little contact. Sure, he asked questions."
"Did you feel like you could not refuse to answer?"
"Why would I refuse?" I asked
"Did you tell them things you would not have told them?" Sam's eyes burned.
I thought about it. I had not planned on telling Charlie anything about my life with Renee. At least, not any of the negative things. I knew he would worry, or force me to stay.
My body shook with a chill as I remembered the feeling.
"What is it?" Sam asked.
"After I told them everything they asked. It was almost like the mist had barbs to it." I shook my head.
"Tell me. What do you think the mist wanted?" Sam asked.
"I think" I started to speak as phantom barbs, like a brush of memory, stung my throat. I clutched my throat at the memory. Sam waited for me to speak. I could feel him not breathing as he held me. "I think they wanted the truth."
I watched as betrayal flashed briefly across his face.
"What?" I asked him.
"Bella." I could feel the anger in his voice. Our bond told me the anger was not directed at me.
"Tell me" I begged him.
"If anyone asks you to go on that lake again. You scream. You scream as loud as you can. A member of the pack will come and get you. As my imprint, you should have been protected against the lake's full effects."
"Full effects?" I asked.
"The lake the Dads brought you to is one that holds an old magic. One that Alpha imprints of the past had learned to control. That is not the point. The point is, the mist on the lake makes hiding the truth, even filtering one's thoughts, becomes near impossible. Without the imprint, you would have been telling them the full truths. You were still able to choose your words, right?"
"For the most part. Sometimes, it felt like the words had been almost clawed from me." I admitted.
Sam growled. It was a growl of anguish. "I failed you. If I was a good imprint, I would have noticed the connection dropped when it did. I had thought, I guess, I thought I was still learning to read your imprint. I spent the time you were fishing to focus on feeling your emotions. When I couldn't get a reading from you, I assumed, stupidly, that you had simply not changed your emotion. Sometimes, when an imprint is content, the wolf feels safe enough not to search for the emotions as deeply as we normally do."
Sam brushed his hair back. I could feel him slowly pull his hair, the frustration obvious on his face.
"If I had known, I would have swam to get you. I promise you I would have gotten you off that lake. You would not have been forced to tell the truth without your consent to them. Father or not, Chief or not, forcing you to tell the truth is crossing a line that I will not allow to be crossed again." His eyes held mine. The promise in them had my heart skipping beats. His vow forced the last of the mist to escape my body. For the first time since I got off the lake, the impulse to tell the truth slipped out of my body.
"Thank you" I felt myself settling into my body again.
"I promise I was searching for you. I should be able to tell if someone takes you on that lake again. I will know what that feels like in the bond. I promise" Sam looked at me, almost submissively.
"Did you know when I got off the lake?" I asked.
"It was like a rush of your emotions. Each one was too deep for me to fully understand. Mainly because the lake broke that connection between us, I think. I wasn't able to feel the build up around you that I normally feel."
"I felt something different when I got off the water." I told him.
"Different how?" Sam lowered his lips to my forehead. I could feel in the bond his wolf needed the lip contact.
"It was - " I paused, trying to phrase it properly. "Almost like a shadow of emotion. It clung to my skin. I was able to move it and focus it into my palm. When I felt it there, I knew it was a worrying emotion. I slowly stroked it until it disappeared from my skin." Sam's eyes lit up as I spoke.
"Wow"
"Wow?" I asked.
"What you are describing hasn't been seen in an imprint in generations. An imprint that could focus and affect the wolf's emotions. You are something special" Sam smiled, breaking the intensity that had filled his face for the past few minutes.
"You are something special too" I brought his lips down to mine, needing reassurance. "I am sorry I went to the cliff"
"Don't be. I should have stayed."
"No. I felt overwhelmed. I needed to get some air, you needed to be with the pack. I understand that. It was me, I guess I felt scared. If my lineage is different, could that affect us?" I voiced my fear.
"Will whoever is your bio dad affect our imprint?" He reworded my question.
I bit my lip and nodded, too scared to restate my fear.
"Bella. I will be whatever you want me to be, forever. Whoever your father is has no effect on what we become." Sam kissed the top of my head.
For the first time since the party, I took a truly deep breath, breathing out all my fear. I trusted Sam. He would not lie to me. I was starting to love this man in ways I never experienced before. Breathing him in once more, I brought his lips to mine, losing myself in the sensation.
Authors Note: Please let me know what you think! I have been holding the truth about the lake for a while. I was not sure how it would come out, but I am really happy with how it came to light. Did anyone see that coming?
On a personal note thank you for all the reviews. I have been feeling numb recently after losing someone I knew my entire life. I hope that I am still able to produce the amount of emotion that you are used to reading in my story.
Please Tell me what you think in the Reviews!