The Ninja of the Night and the Village Hidden in the Lemon Peels

Book 3: Lemon

To THE Shirt Ninja: Your review raised such interesting questions, I felt I had to answer it publicly.

First, as to Haku, I found out yesterday that he's 15! I was thinking 12. Haku, m'lad, this is pretty pathetic. At that age, you should have hit some form of puberty. (For the record, I love Haku to death, even if I don't always act it.)

Mmmm... Kakashi naked... now there's a thought... (nosebleed) Why would that be a crime?

Ah, Sasuke's motive, well, he... you wouldn't want me to spoil the story, now, would you?

As for the other villages, my contacts in Suna, as you will soon see, are in no position to comment on their local news. My spies report Oto to be strangely vacant, but Ame reports very little action, and we have reason to believe the Writers are focusing on Konoha.

Now, a word before we embark on this long-but-necessary chapter:

Please bear in mind that most of these are real pairings that have fics and fanbases and everything else. Some I like, some I don't, and a chosen few I pulled out of my ass while playing the 3rd Naruto game, which isn't out in the US, but which my friend NekoRaven bought from Japan, and since we don't understand it, we just make up what they're saying. (This is also the direct source of the Zabu-Haku and Naru-Hina fights later on. My friend Youkai-girl23 and I were the ones fighting, and I the one losing, both times. She's a tricky one.)

Sunrise dawned (um... is that redundant at all?), and the little group of ninjas continued their journey through the woods.

Of all of them, Sasuke felt he had gotten the least sleep. During his turn, Naruto had led the other two watchmen through a rousing round of campfire songs. I mean, I wouldn't even mind so much, if any of them could carry a tune...

Naruto tried to trip him as he walked past. Of all of them, Naruto felt he had gotten the least sleep. His had been the last shift, and everybody else had been alert, talkative, and ready to go as soon as possible. "Hey, Sasuke, wanna fight?"

"Sure."

"Come on, boys," Zabuza groaned, "Can't you even make it to noon without wanting to kill each other?" Of all of them, Zabuza felt he had gotten the least sleep. How could adolescent boys be so loud in the middle of the night? He had never been so noisy when he was their age.

"Oh, we're just sparring," Sasuke explained, dodging a sloppy kick of Naruto's. "We do it all the time on assignments."

"Keeps our minds off being bored... or, in this case, off each other," elaborated Naruto, throwing another punch at Sasuke, and being easily pushed away. It was obvious that neither boy was alert enough to really concentrate or to do any damage.

Back in Konoha, there was a problem.

Hinata shivered as she walked through the deserted schoolyard. Everything looked so peaceful, and yet... something didn't seem right.

"Why, Hinata-chan! What a surprise," exclaimed Iruka, emerging from the building.

"Sensei," Hinata blushed, pulling her jacket closer around her; she didn't like the way her old teacher was looking at her.

"There's not need to be timid," he told her, laying a hand on her shoulder. "You've got a lovely body."

"I- Iruka-sensei?" whimpered the girl, unsure what she should do.

Right on cue, someone came out of nowhere, attacking the suddenly-pervy teacher and knocking him away from Hinata. To her, to two combatants were little more than a blur.

"Get out of here!" her rescuer ordered Iruka, finally letting him up. "And never let me hear of you picking on little girls, ever again!"

"What are you talking about?" the man asked, rubbing his eyes like he had just woken up. "What's gotten into you all of sudden?"

"Get out of my sight, you sick bastard!" yelled the boy, and Iruka, examining his various wounds, decided to run first, ask questions later. Hinata's hero ran up to her. "Hina-chan, are you all right?"

Hinata shuddered, and collapsed on his shoulder, gasping, "Neji-nii-san!"

Neji led his cousin over to what was commonly referred to as "the orphan's swing" so she could sit down. "Shh. Don't cry. I'm not going to let anyone hurt my little 'cuz. Except me."

Her emotions under control now, Hinata kissed him gratefully.

"HYUUGACEST!" yelled Sakura, magically appearing to push the couple apart. "Stop this! You're cousins, for chrissake!"

Kakashi limped into the playground, hindered by the the weight of his severely-pummeled and not a little confused fellow, Iruka. "Two attacks on Hinata in a row..." he told Sakura gravely. "I've never seen anything like this. We need to talk to the Hokage."

The Hokage's house was already swamped with outraged townsfolk, all prevented from seeing their leader by a guard in a business suit standing before the front door.

"Sensei called me up at 1:00 am and asked what I was wearing," shuddered Shikamaru. "I don't know how he got my number. I don't even know my number."

"Couples are making out all over the streets!" complained a middle-aged woman. "I've got a kid! He doesn't need to see that!"

"What's going on around here?" demanded a face in the crowd, starting an angry chant.

"Why do I have the sudden urge to see Kakashi and find out if he has any plans for tonight?" Gai shouted over the dirge of "What's going on? What's going on?"

"A hentai attack," came the answer from the back of the rabble. The crowd parted to allow Kakashi (still carrying Iruka) and Sakura to pass, followed by the two Hyuugas. "We must speak with the Hokage," he commanded the guard. "We have urgent information."

"The Hokage will speak to no one," the guard intoned.

"Please!" pleaded Sakura. "You have to let us by!"

"None shall pass."

"But, it's a matter of life and death! Look what happened to Iruka-sensei!"

The man's eyes widened as he stared at Iruka, who they now suspected had a concussion. "The Writers... did that?"

Neji fidgeted uncomfortably as Sakura crossed her fingers behind her back and nodded.

"Right this way," bowed the guard, retrieving his key.

Back with our heros, Sasuke and Naruto continued to spar, until Haku started to notice that Sasuke was a very handsome young man... and Zabuza started to notice that Haku was starting to notice that Sasuke was a very handsome young man... which Zabuza was also starting to notice. Oddly enough, the two Konoha boys didn't seem to notice the Yaoi Attack, probably because they were busy fighting... "Hey, Haku, do you want to practice the ice-mirror thing?"

Haku ripped his eyes... mask (whatev)... away from Naruto and Sasuke. "Um... ok... but..."

"Hmm?"

"Well... it's just... it takes me a few seconds to set the jutsu up correctly...I have to have that space, or I can't get it, and I'm really vulnerable... just for a few seconds... but you know all that, Zabuza-sama, so if you're expecting the attack, you can stop me then... and you usually kick me, and it usually hurts."

"I'll go easy on you, this time."

"... really?"

"Really. No kicking. Here, come at me..."

Naruto and Sasuke stopped to watch the fight.

Haku hesitated. "You promise?"

"Yes, Haku," the man sighed impatiently, "I promise."

"Ok," Haku zipped forward, and,

BAM! Zabuza kicked him right in the head. "I lied."

Haku dropped like a stone. Naruto laughed. Sasuke gasped. "That was horrible! And you, Naruto! Why are you laughing? You're supposed to be a nice person!"

The blond kept giggling. "Relax, Sasuke. I've done that before."

Sasuke and Zabuza were somewhat shocked. "You have?"

"Yeah," Naruto shrugged, and launched into a story.

"Um... Naruto-kun?" Hinata whispered quietly, coming up to him. "I've been working on this new technique, and I wondered if I could practice it on you... if you want to!"

"Oh, sure. No problem!" Naruto agreed enthusiastically, preparing for a little sparring match.

Hinata turned pink. "Thank you so much! Um... hey, there's one more thing... I'm not as fast as you... so, could you go easy on me? Just until I've gotten this technique down?"

"Of course! Just glad I can help!"

Hinata smiled shyly and began her attack...

And Naruto pretty much dropped her with one punch.

"Naruto-kun!"

"I lied. Believe it!"

Laughing, Zabuza and Naruto walked off down the path, leaving Haku on the ground and Sasuke with his mouth hanging open. "Naruto! That's awful! I'm ashamed to even know you!" The others were fast leaving him behind. "Hey, Haku isn't moving! I think you knocked him out or something!" The others kept walking. "Hey!" They still didn't turn around. Groaning, Sasuke hoisted the other boy's comatose body over his shoulder. "And they say I'm the brooding, insensitive one who only cares about himself."

"Sir, this reeks of Lemonpeelgakure," Kakashi told the Hokage as he finished his group's tale.

The old man puffed on his pipe, almost hidden from behind Tsunade, who, for reasons beyond human understanding, was sitting on his lap. "The Lemon Peel shinobi have been nothing but hostile to us in the past. They have no reason to start behaving so... nice all of a sudden."

"You want to see hostile, just wait until Tsunade wakes up," Sakura quipped. "With all due respect, I can't believe these attacks are a friendly gesture. We need to send patrols out to secure the area around the village before they circle around and put us under siege."

"Oh, we're already surrounded," shrugged the Hokage. "I doubt anyone could get out of here, now."

"WHAT?" gasped the others. "Why didn't you tell us?"

"There's really nothing we can do at this point, anyway. If someone had snuck out before, we might have had a chance to send for reinforcements, but as is, we'll just have to weather this one out. Now, if you'll excuse me and Boobs here,"

At his second sentence, Hinata had turned pink. "Oh, Naruto," the timid young girl whispered. "Please hurry."

"Ooh, what's this?" Naruto gasped happily, pulling a citrus fruit off of one of the heavily laden trees surrounding them. "An orange! And right on time for lunch!"

"DON'T TOUCH IT!" Haku screamed, similar to the way you scream when the idiot hero on the horror movie goes into the darkened room on his own. Startled, Naruto dropped the orange. "We've been through here before, and that fruit... when you eat it," the boy broke off with a shudder.

"Oh, hush," Zabuza muttered. "We found all of our clothes in the end. They weren't too far from where we woke up."

Sasuke gulped and inched away from the trees, closer to Zabuza, who reached out to grab his butt. Not breaking a sweat, Sasuke inched back over to the orange trees. This is a serious no win-situation.

Uchiha Itachi, Sasuke's serial-killer, spastic older brother, couldn't help but feel that this was the most gaudy, hideous room he had ever set foot in. Violent green walls with huge safety-orange stars, garish yellow shag carpet, and fuzzy hot pink throw pillows spun together, making him want to puke. "Your decorator needs some serious medical attention," he told Orichimaru, not bothering to say "hi" after bursting into the pale man's Konoha-side lair uninvited.

"Charming to see you too, Uchiha," leered the room's owner sarcastically, leaning back on the fuzzy couch. "I suppose you didn't come just to pass the time?"

"No. I came here to warn you to stay away from Sasuke."

"Ah, fraternal love. How touching... and yet I don't seem to recall you being too fond of your family."

"I'm not," came the response from Ori's fellow villain. "I could care less if you kill him or whatever, but right now, with the LemonPeelers around, I want you to leave him alone."

"What I do is none of your business," Orichimaru growled coldly.

"I'm making it my business!" yelled Itachi, punching a hole in the wall right above his nemesis's head. "He's still my little brother, and I don't want you molesting him!"

"Oh, I see," smirked Orichimaru, unfazed by the plaster and green paint chips in his hair. "You want him for yourself? Well, you're just going to have to beat me to him."

Red eyes widening in horror, Itachi threw himself across the door, blocking it with his body. "Listen to me, you creepy fruitcake. Neither of us is going to leave this room until the Writers are gone."

"Very well. May I suggest you get real comfy, Itachi?"

Miles away, and blissfully unaware of the awful sacrifices his hated older brother was making for him, Sasuke was walking along.

"So, Sasuke, are you gay? Because there are an awful lot of beautiful chicks throwing themselves at you," Naruto asked. "I mean, Sakura is all over you, and she's a total babe, and you're like "blah" and she's all like "Sasuke, I luv you" and you're all like "Shaddup" and she's all like, "but I luv you," and you're always "Shaddup," and she's always,"

"Is Sakura that girl in your cell?" Haku asked. When Sasuke and Naruto nodded, he cooed, "Aw, but she and Sasuke would make such a cute couple!"

Naruto wrinkled his face. "Yeah, except Sasuke likes little boys!"

"I like Sakura ok," Sasuke mumbled. "I just don't want a girlfriend, that's all."

"'Cause you like boys!" Naruto shouted triumphantly.

"Just you," Sasuke whispered.

Naruto blushed. "Really? You... you mean that, Sasuke-kun?"

"Stop it, boys," Zabuza said from the back of the group.

Sasuke kissed Naruto tenderly.

"Ok, really," Zabuza raised his voice a little.

Naruto pulled his teammate closer...

Haku sent an acupuncture needle right through Sasuke's neck.

"AAAH! Do you have any idea how much that stings?" gasped the dark-haired boy, yanking the needle back out.

"We must be getting closer," Naruto informed them over Haku's apology.

Tenten was washing her hair at the bathhouse when Ino joined her. "Hey, Tenten. You hear the alert?"

Tenten shook her head, sending soap suds flying.

Ino gasped. How could she not have heard? "The LemonPeel village is attacking! We're on code pale lilac!"

"That high?" her fellow girl gasped. "It must be really bad." Quickly, but deliberately, she pulled her hair, still wet, into balls on top of her head, grabbed her pale pink bathrobe, only half wearing it as she moved to the door. "I have to go hang out near Neji and hope for the best, see ya!"

"Tenten, this is serious! We aren't talking cute fluff here, we're talking hardcore sex! Our virtue is at risk!"

Still not taking the threat seriously, Tenten winked. "All the better. Neji, darling, here I come!"

"What if you get attacked before you find him?" Ino tried to yell, but her friend had already opened the door.

Jiraiya was standing there, mouth open, staring at Tenten, who hadn't tied her bathrobe yet. Shrieking, she slammed the door shut.

"I told you, it's dangerous," Ino lectured. "Although, that might not have had anything to do with the Writers..."

Rock Lee was sleeping. In the middle of the practice court. It wasn't the first time he had passed out while training. It was the first time he had slept while in so much danger.

Waking up, he opened his eyes. A pair of aqua blue eyes stared back.

"Aqua blue is redundant," Gaara of the Desert said, as if reading his thoughts. "Because the color aqua is a form of blue."

Lee scuttled, crab-like, a safe distance away before he stood up.

"You were practicing again," Gaara remarked, cold and puzzled at the same time. "Why do you train so hard?"

"I have to be strong so I can prove that I'm just as good, no, better, than any natural genius. And yes, I know I sound just like Naruto, so don't say it."

"I wasn't going to," Gaara said. "But, why bother?"

"Because... it's important to me," Lee frowned at the quizzical look Gaara gave him. "You're a very cynical person, aren't you? As the Great Gai-sensei would say, cynicism is neither youthful nor hip. Don't you have anything that's important to you?"

"I live only to kill," hissed Gaara.

Lee took a couple of steps backward. "Um... ok... not quite the answer I was expecting..."

Gaara of the Desert said nothing, only glared at Lee.

Lee, unsure what else to do in this situation, glared back.

Gaara took a step forward, then another, closing the gap between them. "I find myself attracted to you, and I don't know why."

"I feel light and happy, but I have no emotional attachments to you!" Lee gasped, horrified. He realized, you see, that he was going to kiss Gaara, and he had no control over this whatsoever. The green-clad boy leaned forward, and, instead of a mouthful of Gaara, got a mouthful of sand.

The red-haired boy woke from the attack with a start, hugging his gourd like a shipwreck victim hugs a floatation device. "Thank you, oh magical protective shield sand!"

Just then, Sakura and Kakashi's Lemon Patrol (made up of whoever felt like tagging along) arrived. The overwhelmingly-pink girl rushed to the coughing Lee's side, mouthwash in hand. "Here! Get the sand out of your mouth."

"Sakura-chan," Lee turned bright red in the most embarrassing moment of his life, "I (cough cough) this isn't (cough hack cough) who I am! Don't get the wrong idea (cough cough cough)" the poor boy hastened to clarify.

His crush patted his arm kindly. "Just worry about that sand in your mouth. I know it wasn't your fault. I've done stuff I'm not proud of, too."

"Yeah," smirked Kakashi. "In fact, she did stuff she wasn't proud of on the way out here."

"Sensei!" Sakura gasped, turning a shade of red to rival Lee's blush, "you said you wouldn't tell!"

Gaara, meanwhile, had disappeared. He wasn't gone, he was just buried under his sister.

"Ah! I'm so sorry! I'm a horrible sister!" Temari wailed, squeezing the air out of poor Gaara. "How could I let this happen to my baby brother?"

"Gosh, 'Mari, give him some air," Kankuro laughed. "Look, you hurt the little bugger."

True, Gaara was crying, but more out of happiness than pain. "You've... never hugged me before," he whispered in shock. A tear ran down Temari's cheek.

"I'm a horrible sister," she repeated quietly. "I should be taking care of you two... and I've never even hugged my own little brother,"

Gaara kissed her, and Temari whipped out her fan and smacked the boy upside the head with it, sending him flying into a wall. "Boy, you stop that! We ain't the Hyuugas! We ain't the Uchihas!" (Itachi, who, it just so happens, was trapped in a nearby building, took issue with this, but was unable to stand up for his clan against the desert girl, as he was standing up for his clan against the snake man.) "The Sand Siblings have our dignity! I will not have a brother of mine stoop to incest!"

"It would seem Temari of the Sand has an unusual resistance to Lemon attacks," Kakashi observed. "Eh, Sakura? ... Sakura?"

Sakura and Lee had slipped off into their own world, not too long ago, since their clothes were still on... for the time being. Good thing, too, for Kakashi was prevented from doing anything about this by a giant fan whacking against his back.

"What the hell is wrong with you? Don't jinx me!" Temari screamed at him. "I've had enough of this screwed up town! I'm taking my family and leaving, and if any of you had any sense, you would too!" she announced, pointing an accusing finger around the assembled crowd of Lemon Squad-ers. "Kankuro! Gaara! Back to the hotel! Pack your suitcases!"

Awoken by Temari's barrage, Lee ran for Gai. "Gai-sensei! I've done something horribly unyouthful!"

"I thought you liked me anyway," Sakura muttered sullenly, feeling insulted.

"Don't mention it again, Lee!" Gai told his prodigy. "Give me a hug!"

Kakashi tackled him, knocking his rival away from the boy. "Stay away from that poor minor!" Within minutes the men were engaged in a suggestive-looking wrestling match.

Sakura and Lee turned green. Temari, looking a little sick herself, reached out her hands to cover the eyes of Kankuro and Gaara, standing on either side of her. "Come away, boys, we need to get back to the PG-rated streets of Suna."

Gaara returned an hour later, alone, with a suitcase, to find Gai and Kakashi separated. "Temari says I have to wait here, because I'm the one attracting the attacks on her and Kankuro."

"Why didn't you just kill her and go it alone?" Lee asked.

"She's my sister. I can't kill my sister."

"I thought you lived only to kill," Lee muttered sarcastically.

"Shut up, you Beatle wannabe."

Kakashi winced and turned to Gai. "Having the desert boy is not going to help matters. He's an obvious target, with his angstyness and his fuzzy hair and his cute liddle nosy and , LEE! Get away from him!"

Temari and Kankuro limped into the practice court, leaning against one another. "It would have done an awful lot for the relations between our villages if you had told us that Konoha was entirely surrounded," growled Temari tiredly.

"Ha! Take that, you little desert bitch!" yelled someone out a nearby window. "Teach you to mock Uchihacest! AK!" the yelling cut off abruptly as though the man had been yanked back into a room, probably to be molested.

Sakura blinked up at the window the voice had come from. She could have sworn she had seen Sasuke... a sure sign she was going crazy. But it reminded her of something she had once read, and, fully aware of Kankuro and Lee staring at her butt, Sakura excused herself and ran to the library, to research the jutsu that she knew would be the best use for her chakra.

Our intrepid heros began to set up camp for the night, preparing their ramen over the fire, sitting as far away from each other as possible and remarking how unnatural it was that there was no game in the forest, no fish in the streams, and only those date-rape oranges growing on the trees (which weren't even orange trees!).

Sasuke stirred the fire gently, watching it turn blue and purple. It took him a couple of seconds to realize this was unusual, long enough for the miniature form of his well-known comrade Sakura to appear before him in the fire.

"Help me, Uchiha Sasuke," she pleaded, staring at a fixed point ahead of her, clearly unable to see Sasuke. "You're my only hope. For years, we have been companions at the Ninja Academy. Now I beg you to help me in our struggle against the Lemon Writers. I regret that I am unable to deliver this message to you in person, but my Village has fallen under attack, and I'm afraid that my mission to assist you and Naruto has failed. I am sending information vital to the overthrow of the Kage of LemonPeelgakure to you. Naruto will know how to retrieve it (he's best with my handwriting). You must overthrow the Kage and return peace to Konoha. This is our most desperate hour. Help me, Uchiha Sasuke, you're my only hope. Help—,"

Sasuke leaned closer to the fire. Konoha, under attack? Great, he couldn't leave anybody alone for five minutes. The little Sakura held a scroll up, as though handing it to him, but her image flickered. "Help me, Uchiha Sasuke," she repeated. A door slamming echoed in the background, and she looked over her shoulder, and screamed. "Shikamaru! What are you doing here? Why are you wearing that?"

The scroll dropped from her hands, and the image flickered out, and never returned.

"Yo, pretty-boy!" snapped Zabuza, sick of watching the kettle boil over and too afraid of contact with the others to get the water himself. "What are you staring at?"

Sasuke glanced around him. "Uh... nothing. Nothing at all," he lied.

Iruka had been returned to his bedroom where Hinata and Neji were watching him, hoping for signs of improvement, so Neji wouldn't get charged with anything too serious. (The hospital was too crowded to take him. This was odd, since Lemon attacks are rarely physically harmful, but t'is a Law of Nature that when a village is under siege, its hospitals are crowded.) So far, their teacher had done nothing but stare cross-eyed at the wall and mumbled incoherently.

Kakashi poked his head into the room where the cousins were keeping their silent vigil. "You kids look tired. Why don't you go join Sakura and get some sleep. I'll watch him."

Hinata thanked him with a yawn and shook Neji from his doze, and they slipped into the living room, where Sakura was already sleeping on the floor, her chakra too exhausted to try to reach Sasuke again, her nerves too frazzled from fending off Shikamaru, and from learning that he had only been looking for Ino, thank God. Within minutes, all three were fast asleep.

Kakashi took a seat next to his students' beloved teacher. "Hey, there, Iruka. Look, don't take things too hard on Neji. He was just trying to look out for Hina. They didn't know that about the Attack. Poor Hinata, the poor girl was practically in tears when she found out what had happened,"

Iruka mumbled something. Kakashi leaned closer to hear. "What's that?"

Iruka mumbled again, a stream of nonsense words and slurs.

"Pardon me?" Kakashi asked again.

"My point..." Iruka seemed to lose his train of thought, and sought frantically to find it, "my point is..." he paused to take a deep breath. "Dolphins!"

"Yes, dear," his caretaker said reassuringly, calming the patient down by patting his arm. "You get some rest now, ok? Kakashi will keep you safe."

Iruka smiled like a little kid and rested back on his pillow. Under his face-cover, Kakashi smiled, too. The Ninja Academy's teacher sure was cute.