I seriously wonder what the world is coming to. What the hell happened to
Lily – going out with both of the people she would be least likely to go
out with in the whole world – in the same week.
I swear, my life is so much like a soap opera, it's not even funny.
Lily and James – I told her she should give him a chance a long time ago. She was horrified, but now she goes and throws herself in his arms.
I want her to stay with him. Never ever, ever go back to that demon from hell.
After keeping that horrible memory buried in the farthest corner of my mind and having it all come back the moment I saw Snape and Lily on that couch together, it's been driving me crazy.
I need to let it out. I never talk about things, about the terrible parts of my life, but I've remembered. And I can't forget again. It will drive me mad if I don't tell it.
My fifth year was when it happened. I remember the day exactly.
I had woken up suddenly at midnight, horrified as I realized I had left my diary downstairs in the common room. This was before I learned about Locking Charms.
I leapt out of bed and dashed down the stairs, without even bothering to throw a bathrobe over my nightgown or put on slippers.
At the bottom of the stairs, I stopped.
Severus Snape, a boy in my grade I didn't know too well but had never liked, was kneeling in front of the fireplace. Talking to someone. I listened, horror-struck, by their conversation.
"And once you kill him, my power will increase--"
"Yes, my Lord," he muttered.
I stared. Aghast. What was going on?
I forgot my diary. Who cares about silly schoolgirl secrets when there is a to-be-murderer in the room? Perhaps he's already killed someone, I thought and I wanted to scream.
I began to dash back up the stairs, but then I looked back. He had noticed me. He was holding his wand straight out at me and muttering a spell. I tried to duck it.
Suddenly, I felt slightly light-headed. I lifted my foot to run, but it moved so slowly, it was like a nightmare. One of those terrible nightmares in which you try to run but you can barely move. You try to walk, but each step is so slow, it's futile.
I lost my balance and I collapsed on the stairs.
With long strides, he came up to me. I started to scream, but the wand was at my throat again.
I was mute.
Mute and almost-paralyzed.
He grabbed my arm roughly and dragged me down the stairs. Ow, ow, ow, I screamed in my mind. This wasn't right. You can't do this to me. I don't even have a wand.
Deciding the sound of each stairs I hit as he dragged me down were too loud and might attract attention, he picked me up and carried me down.
He dropped me on the sofa. I glared. I didn't know what was going on, I didn't want to know. I didn't want to be there. All I wanted to be was safe in my bed. Away from this horrible murderer. I was shaking. Angry and terrified.
"You will never tell anyone about what you heard," he commanded.
I stared with enormous, horrified eyes. I couldn't reply. Yes, anything you say. Just let me go.
That wasn't all. He pushed me into the sofa brutally. His weight was on me. No, no, no, I screamed silently.
I wasn't paralyzed but it was bad enough as if I were. Determinedly, I lifted my hand to scratch his eyes out. How could he do this? I shook with rage and humiliation. Tears poured down my face. As if they could wash me clean.
But he just brushed my hand out of the way. I moved so slowly there was nothing I could do.
I screamed. I screamed and screamed. But no one heard my voiceless cries, saw my motionless lips moving.
My face burned with wet tears. He glared at me. The whole time, he kept his eyes focused on mine, burning holes into my soul. He spat. It landed on my face and I just couldn't stand it any longer.
What did I do to deserve this? I sobbed. I cried out, wanting someone to hear me. Mama, Abi, Azim, Lily, someone – come save me.
No one came.
Finally, he shoved me deeper into the sofa as he pushed himself to an upright position. He stood over me, lowered his face to mine, and demanded, "You will never say a word." He left.
I sobbed.
I don't know how long I lay there, on that sofa, alone.
Finally the spell faded. I could move. Slowly, because it wasn't all gone yet, but I could move enough to keep my balance. But as soon as I got up, I collapsed on the floor.
It was too awful.
I made my way to the bathroom. I had to have a bath.
My nightgown was torn. He had ripped it.
As soon as I was inside, I locked the door. I leaned against it, breathing shakily. I began hyperventilating and now more tears flowed down my face as I cried hysterically.
The tears, the water of the bath. They washed my skin clean but no more than that. I would never be the same again.
I was only fifteen. It was a crime. I've finally written it. I've finally admitted what happened.
I can't cry now, but it's out. I pray it will not haunt me for the rest of my life.
I swear, my life is so much like a soap opera, it's not even funny.
Lily and James – I told her she should give him a chance a long time ago. She was horrified, but now she goes and throws herself in his arms.
I want her to stay with him. Never ever, ever go back to that demon from hell.
After keeping that horrible memory buried in the farthest corner of my mind and having it all come back the moment I saw Snape and Lily on that couch together, it's been driving me crazy.
I need to let it out. I never talk about things, about the terrible parts of my life, but I've remembered. And I can't forget again. It will drive me mad if I don't tell it.
My fifth year was when it happened. I remember the day exactly.
I had woken up suddenly at midnight, horrified as I realized I had left my diary downstairs in the common room. This was before I learned about Locking Charms.
I leapt out of bed and dashed down the stairs, without even bothering to throw a bathrobe over my nightgown or put on slippers.
At the bottom of the stairs, I stopped.
Severus Snape, a boy in my grade I didn't know too well but had never liked, was kneeling in front of the fireplace. Talking to someone. I listened, horror-struck, by their conversation.
"And once you kill him, my power will increase--"
"Yes, my Lord," he muttered.
I stared. Aghast. What was going on?
I forgot my diary. Who cares about silly schoolgirl secrets when there is a to-be-murderer in the room? Perhaps he's already killed someone, I thought and I wanted to scream.
I began to dash back up the stairs, but then I looked back. He had noticed me. He was holding his wand straight out at me and muttering a spell. I tried to duck it.
Suddenly, I felt slightly light-headed. I lifted my foot to run, but it moved so slowly, it was like a nightmare. One of those terrible nightmares in which you try to run but you can barely move. You try to walk, but each step is so slow, it's futile.
I lost my balance and I collapsed on the stairs.
With long strides, he came up to me. I started to scream, but the wand was at my throat again.
I was mute.
Mute and almost-paralyzed.
He grabbed my arm roughly and dragged me down the stairs. Ow, ow, ow, I screamed in my mind. This wasn't right. You can't do this to me. I don't even have a wand.
Deciding the sound of each stairs I hit as he dragged me down were too loud and might attract attention, he picked me up and carried me down.
He dropped me on the sofa. I glared. I didn't know what was going on, I didn't want to know. I didn't want to be there. All I wanted to be was safe in my bed. Away from this horrible murderer. I was shaking. Angry and terrified.
"You will never tell anyone about what you heard," he commanded.
I stared with enormous, horrified eyes. I couldn't reply. Yes, anything you say. Just let me go.
That wasn't all. He pushed me into the sofa brutally. His weight was on me. No, no, no, I screamed silently.
I wasn't paralyzed but it was bad enough as if I were. Determinedly, I lifted my hand to scratch his eyes out. How could he do this? I shook with rage and humiliation. Tears poured down my face. As if they could wash me clean.
But he just brushed my hand out of the way. I moved so slowly there was nothing I could do.
I screamed. I screamed and screamed. But no one heard my voiceless cries, saw my motionless lips moving.
My face burned with wet tears. He glared at me. The whole time, he kept his eyes focused on mine, burning holes into my soul. He spat. It landed on my face and I just couldn't stand it any longer.
What did I do to deserve this? I sobbed. I cried out, wanting someone to hear me. Mama, Abi, Azim, Lily, someone – come save me.
No one came.
Finally, he shoved me deeper into the sofa as he pushed himself to an upright position. He stood over me, lowered his face to mine, and demanded, "You will never say a word." He left.
I sobbed.
I don't know how long I lay there, on that sofa, alone.
Finally the spell faded. I could move. Slowly, because it wasn't all gone yet, but I could move enough to keep my balance. But as soon as I got up, I collapsed on the floor.
It was too awful.
I made my way to the bathroom. I had to have a bath.
My nightgown was torn. He had ripped it.
As soon as I was inside, I locked the door. I leaned against it, breathing shakily. I began hyperventilating and now more tears flowed down my face as I cried hysterically.
The tears, the water of the bath. They washed my skin clean but no more than that. I would never be the same again.
I was only fifteen. It was a crime. I've finally written it. I've finally admitted what happened.
I can't cry now, but it's out. I pray it will not haunt me for the rest of my life.