The Ninja of the Night and The Village Hidden in the Lemon Peels

Book 5: Hentai

The heavy wooden doors slammed behind the trio, locking them in a huge chamber with blood red curtains covering the walls, a floor of black onyx tiles so shiny you could see the ceiling... or rather, the gloom that hid the ceiling. Torches in black sconces gave an eerie orange sheen to the whole set up. The only furniture was in the center of the room, where, on a raised dais, a dark, ornate throne with two tall torches standing on either side held a woman pecking away at the keys of a laptop, typing up something that was written in the notebook on her lap. Without looking at her guests, she hit a few buttons, folded up the computer and stood, carefully placing the laptop, then the notebook, on top of each other on the seat behind her. She took off her glasses next, folding them up and placing them on the stack. Then, slowly, she descended from the platform. "Welcome, Uchiha Sasuke, Zabuza the Demon, and Haku of the Mists. I have been expecting you."

"Then you are prepared to die," Sasuke smirked casually, although sizing up his adversary in awe. The HentaiKage was an imposing figure, and not just because scantily-clad women are intimidating to teenage boys. She was dressed in a black corset, with a black leather miniskirt that seemed to defy some law of physics, although he couldn't say which one. Her black metal shinguards clashed oddly with her standard blue ninja shoes, from beneath which red-painted toenails poked out. The only other mark Sasuke associated with the leader of a Hidden Village was her headband, which was tied to her left thigh and had the insignia of LemonPeelgakure inscribed on it; a heart with a line drawn half through it. At first, he thought that she was wearing a floor length black cloak, but this turned out to be her hair. Red-purple eyes stared at him calmly.

More important, however, was that she didn't have a weapon on her. Of course, most would assume that this was because she had more powerful attacks at her disposal, but Squad 7's motto was that underestimating your opponent made things much more interesting.

"Enough of the preliminary chit-chat," muttered Zabuza, unslinging his ax. "I've been stuck out in those woods for days battling an enemy I can't see, we finally get to something I can fight, and I'm not in the mood to sit around talking."

The Kage laughed. "Why did you two have to die?" she sighed to herself. "I was rather fond of you."

Taking advantage of her preoccupation, the three avengers sprang into action, pulling out their various weapons while circling around and leaping towards their enemy.

"Stop!" she commanded without missing a beat. So fast it was almost impossible to see her move, she preformed a few hand signs, then threw her arms out, and all three of her assailants slammed into the walls. "Do not think you can defeat me so easily. My jutsu is unlike any you have encountered. It manipulates the hormones and chakra inside my opponent, allowing me to control them from the inside out. You had trouble with the barrier spells surrounding the village, you cannot handle me in person."

Sasuke very quietly activated his Sharingan and picked himself up, preparing for a rematch.

"Save yourself some pain and put those things away, boy," the HentaiKage advised, beginning another set of hand signs. "You'll only make it harder on yourself."

"Don't worry about me, watch your own back," Sasuke retorted, mimicking her perfectly.

With both of their attacks complete, the Kage smiled. "Your attack is meaningless. I already like boys." Sasuke went pale green. "Now, will you take my advice and stop with the eyes? You look like your brother with them and it's creeping me out."

It wasn't that he wanted to obey her request, it was that he was so startled that his Sharingan disappeared on their own. "You know Itachi?"

"Any good Writer has a working knowledge of the characters connected to her favorite targets."

"I see, and I'm one of your favorites?" Sasuke growled, unsure whether to be flattered or scared.

"Actually, I was thinking of the Akatsuki," she shrugged, hitting him with an attack that rooted him to the spot. "Why are you fighting so hard, child?" she purred, walking up to her frozen victim and running a hand over his cheek. "I have been watching you ever since you entered my lands, and there is no doubt."

Sasuke jerked his head away, causing the Kage to laugh. "You know what I mean. I can see it in your eyes. You want the power that I possess. You want to know my secrets. You've resisted going on this quest from the beginning, and this is why; at heart, you are a true Writer."

"No," Sasuke whispered, but he sounded unsure.

"Oh, yes. And you have the potential to be great. Join me. None of my followers are talented enough to take over my role as HentaiKage when I move on; but you... you would make a Writer worthy of my title. Come, Sasuke, say the word, and all my power will be yours,"

Only one of the avengers had not been thrown against one of the walls, and that was Haku. He had actually hit against the throne in the center of the room, and he hadn't moved since.

Now, as Zabuza would be quick to brag, nobody can analyze a battle faster than Haku, and it was obvious to the boy that they were up against a force that required different tactics than your traditional shinobi styles. He placed one hand on the seat of the throne, hoping to prop himself up, and found the stack of writing materials; the glasses, the laptop, and the notebook. It was the notebook that he picked up. He flipped through it, catching phrases here and there, mostly of a nature that made him blush crimson.

Sasuke hesitated, staring at the HentaiKage, who continued to smile. "Sasuke, a natural talent like yours is not meant to be squandered. Join me."

Haku slammed the notebook closed and held it out over a torch. The Kage screamed when it caught fire as though she felt the pain herself and turned around quickly, abandoning Sasuke to save her precious writing. With a speed borne of desperation, she knocked the notebook to the ground and smothered the flame with a hand motion.

For a second, all four stared at the smouldering paper. The Kage shrieked with rage and slammed a fist into Haku's stomach, knocking him off the dias and down on the ground. "You androgynous little bitch! You'll pay for that!" she screamed, beginning a sinister-looking series of kotas.

Before he could think about the possible consequences of his actions, Zabuza sprang back to his feet, launching himself at the Kage and getting close enough to stab her in the back with a kunai, growling, "Leave Haku alone!" into her ear.

The Kage glared at him, more in annoyance than pain. "Yeah, and you expect us to believe that you two aren't screwing each other?" she laughed bitterly, throwing the angry ninja off her with an inhuman strength.

It bought enough time for Haku to struggle to his feet and snatch the glasses off the throne. "If you touch Zabuza-sama, I'll smash them into a million pieces!" he threatened boldly.

The Kage turned to him again, and broke into laughter.

"I'm not joking!" Haku said, bending the frames.

"Go ahead, boy," sneered the woman. Haku hesitated, and she froze him with the same jutsu she had used on Sasuke and retrieved her glasses. Before their eyes, she snapped them into pieces. "I only wear them because I like the way they look. I bought them at Dollar General, if you must know. As a matter of fact, it's the same store where I got my notebook, only the notebook is much, much more valuable. Which reminds me, you still have to pay for what you did to my work."

Thinking fast, Haku used his last card, his true secret move, one that he had developed as a scared little orphan boy on the mean streets of ... well, where ever. He whimpered, looking up at his angry opponent with tear-filled eyes and a weak smile. "Pl-please, don't hurt the others," he whispered. "My life doesn't matter, but,"

The Kage stopped, surprise in her eyes. Haku would have preferred pity, but as long as she stopped. "That jutsu," she whispered.

"Jutsu?" Haku asked.

"Yes, that technique. Where did you learn it? My top Mary Sues spend years and years mastering that technique."

"It's a technique? I just use it when Zabuza won't buy me ice cream,"

"You mean, you had no training?"

"No."

"Amazing... that one so young could master such a skill, and untrained... Tragic no Jutsu is an art few can even begin to use. I have underestimated you, Haku of the Mists. A prodigy like yourself is one in a million, no, not even that, one in a trillion. You have to develop this talent. You and Sasuke both show astounding potential... you two could be the greatest Writer Ninja ever to set fingers to keyboard."

Sasuke, still rooted to the spot, heard something rustle behind him, he thought about looking back, but something advised him against it. Out of the corner of his eye, while the Kage talked to and about Haku, he watched a little lump move around the room, hidden underneath the red curtains.

"What do you say?" The Kage continued, recovering her composure and silky voice. "Will you join me?"

"Never!" Haku and Sasuke shouted with one voice.

"Think it over," she advised. "Haku, you know this battle is mismatched. I could kill you in seconds... all of you," she looked pointedly over at Zabuza.

Seeing the turn this conversation was taking, Zabuza, who hadn't quite recovered from his last bout with the Kage, gasped out, "Haku, don't! It's not worth—,"

"Silence!" ordered the Kage, hitting him with a jutsu that clamped the meddler's jaw shut. "All I ask is that you train with me, and he will live."

Haku bit his lip, and the HentaiKage, seeing she had made a hit, turned to Sasuke. "And you. You have a mission in life, don't you? A blood oath... someone to kill. Itachi knows the skills you have learned in Konoha, and he knows them better than you. If you ever hope to avenge yourself, you will need to learn something he cannot defend against... I can guarantee he does not know the techniques I will teach you."

Sasuke tried to take a step forward, but was still frozen to the floor. Even in the dim torchlight, you could see the desire on his face. "I-,"

"All right, that's enough!" Naruto burst from behind the curtains, completing the circle around the Kage; Sasuke before the door, Haku across from him on the throne, and Zabuza and Naruto on either side. "You have officially hit the Lowest of the Low, Ms. Kage! How dare you use Sasuke's inexplicable hatred of his brother,"

"It's not inexplicable!" Sasuke protested.

"I said," Naruto repeated, clearing his throat, "How dare you use Sasuke's inexplicable hatred of his brother to draw him into your twisted web of Sex, Drugs, and Rock 'n Roll? I demand that you release my friends so we can kick your ass!"

"No, Naruto," Sasuke said, interrupting in that same, strange voice he had used in the LemonPeel dungeons. "If this is what I must do to defeat Itachi,"

"Oh, shut up about your damn brother for once in your life!" Naruto demanded. "I get freaking sick of listening to you whine! We've all got problems here, we don't act like total morons because of it!"

Sasuke woke up, and the Kage swore under her breath. She had, of course, been working her jutsu on the dark-haired boy. "All right, Naruto. You've been ruining my plans for far too long." She started in on him, making some hand signs the others had seen earlier.

"Naruto!" Zabuza yelled, drawing on some last strength to throw the laptop at the boy, just as the Kage rounded on him, freezing him in place as well.

Naruto caught the portable computer.

"Do you want to turn it on?" purred the Kage smoothly, hiding her signs of nervousness well. "You'll find some cute stories in there... who knows, maybe you'll find a pairing you really like... NaruSaku...NaruHina..."

"Don't pull that on me," Naruto snapped. "I know your kind don't write het."

"Oh, but I do!" the Kage said earnestly. "Lemons, that is. Go on, take a peak. A boy your age must be curious. Or maybe you just want to know what a certain young lady is like in bed..."

Naruto's mouth popped open. "No thank you!" he yelled. "I get my kicks as nature intended; from Kakashi-sensei's personal library!"

And with a dramatic yell, he split the laptop in two.

The Kage didn't scream, as she had when Haku set her notebook on fire. Instead, she let out a hollow choking noise. The chamber around them vanished, to be replaced with simpler surroundings; onyx tiles melted to Berber carpet, the dias and throne turned to a bed piled with bright pillows, which Haku immediately sunk into awkwardly, the curtains disappeared from the walls, which turned out to be festooned with posters of anime characters and bookshelves of manga, the torches were replaced with a ceiling light on a ceiling much closer to the floor. All in all, the average teenage bedroom.

"An illusion?" Naruto gasped.

Sasuke jolted forward as the binding spell was lifted. "Her chakra was in the laptop!" he cried, noting the expression on the Kage's face. "We've defeated her."

"All we need to do now is finish the job!" Naruto exclaimed, dropping the laptop to begin a jutsu.

"Your time on this earth has come and gone," Sasuke declared, making a move to join his comrade.

The two Squad 7 proteges attacked swiftly, but the HentaiKage was swifter. She dodged, jumping nimbly onto an open window sill, her broken laptop suddenly in her hands once more. She leaned out over the edge of the window, turning to face the company one last time. "You think you have beaten me, but only for today. The spirit of LemonPeelgakure cannot be killed in a mere battle. I will always be there. Every time Orichimaru wants Sasuke's body, I'll be there. Every time Gai and Lee embrace and run into the sunset, I'll be there. Every time Sasuke steps into the line of fire to save Naruto's life, I'll be there. Look for me when Hinata gives Naruto a gift, when Gaara wants to watch Lee sleep, when Iruka goes looking for his former students. You may not see me, but I will be there. Don't you see? I am only a recorder. You create these pairs." And with that, the HentaiKage, the Pervert Shadow, the leader of the Village Hidden in the LemonPeels leapt from the window, and disappeared.

Haku managed to disentangle himself from the pillows and hop to his feet, all the while staring out the window. "Do you think she's right? Do we really pair off on our own?"

Sasuke shook his head, whispering, "of course not. How would that explain crack pairings, like GaaSaku?"

"What the hell is GaaSaku?" Naruto asked.

"You don't want to know."

Naruto looked at him funny, but decided Sasuke was right. "Pairings happen, whatever the cause," he said sagely. "All characters like us can do is keep on trucking."

In Konoha, the clouds seemed to have parted.

Not literally, of course. It was an unusually sunny day, but the pall that seemed to hang over the town during the siege had lifted, giving the whole place the atmosphere found after a particularly severe thunderstorm has passed by.

The crowd in front of the Hokage's office finally got to speak to their leader, when an irate Tsunade power-flicked the old man through the doors and into the hands of the angry mob.

Sakura, left alone through some miracle, had been wandering the streets, trying to break up pairings on her own, but failing. She returned to Iruka's house, to find Hinata and Neji leaving, both fastening as many buttons as they could find on their jackets, both beet red.

"My father can't find out about this," Hinata was saying.

"Nobody can find out about this," Neji shuddered.

"Find out about what?" Sakura asked.

"NOTHING!" screamed the cousins.

Iruka and Kakashi emerged next. "Uh... hey, kids...uh...looks like the LemonPeelers are gone... why don't we... uh..go find everybody?"

"Yeah, good idea!" the Hyuugas agreed eagerly. "Let's go!"

Ino and Tenten were still holed up in the bathhouse. In fact, they had barricaded the doors and were huddled in a corner, preparing to ward off Jirayah, Anko, Kurenai, Asuma, Gai, Shikamaru, and Lee (all of who had tried to break in at some point) clad only in their bathrobes.

The furniture against the door splintered as someone hit the door.

"They're breaking in!" shrieked Ino.

"What are we gonna do?" Tenten yelled.

"I don't know!"

"Oh, God, please don't rape us!" Tenten pleaded with the intruders. "I've seen after-school specials strangely similar to this, and they never turn out well for the victemous young heroine like me!"

The doors finally gave in, and Sakura poked her head in. "I'm not going to rape you. The attack is over!"

Ino and Tenten looked at each other, unsure if this was a trick.

Hinata joined Sakura. "Don't worry!" she said. "Kakashi and Iruka and Neji are totally killing all those creepy stalker people we found outside the door!"

Once again, the two trapped kunoichi exchanged glances.

"Neji! Wait for me!" Tenten exclaimed, running for the door with Ino. "I want to kick some pervert ass!"

"Silly boys!" Ino yelled, joining the fray. "Jutsu is for girls!"

A/N: Stick with me. One more chapter to go... and it has a twist! After all, you don't think that the Writers backed off just because the Kage went down, do you?