Lily was in a talkative mood today. We were sitting in the dormitory; I was swinging my legs back and forth and listening to her ramble on.

"Let's go to the lake," I said suddenly. "We can walk around and talk." I haven't talked to Lily like this so long – I really wanted to talk, too. My diary's fine, but it's always a one-way conversation.

So we strolled down to the lake. Lily was telling me about her wedding plans with James. Yes, she's getting married! And I always thought I'd be the first to be engaged.

"Do you really love James?" I asked, curious. Lily had never been in love before. Not real love. Now engaged, she must be in love, right?

She paused. "Dahlia, I don't know," she said soberly.

"But you're engaged," I replied, surprised.

"I know you won't want to hear this," she began, "but I haven't totally forgotten about Severus."

I stopped walking and grabbed her arm. "Lily," I exclaimed, "you are going to be married to James Potter. You can't be thinking about that, that--"

"Dahlia! Don't call him that! James is great, but I can't help it if I remember..."

I wanted to slap her to wake her up. Or maybe push her into the lake. How can you be so stupid, Lily? I tried to bite my tongue. I remember our last conversation about this – the pillows and insults whizzing through the air.

"Hey, Lia, why do you hate him so much?" Lily asked me, starting to walk again.

I didn't want to answer. But I did too.

I almost said "I don't hate him" automatically. But I couldn't. Because now his face swam in front of my eyes and seething hatred swirled up inside.

"He's awful," I said simply.

"Dahlia, you don't even know him. How can you say that?"

"I do know him. I know that his soul is pure evil – no wait, he has no soul."

"He isn't that bad!"

"Oh, yes he is." I wanted to kick the trunk of the tree we were passing under with all my might, but I controlled myself. I can do that. I can hide my feelings for years. But right then anger was surging through me and I cursed in frustration.

"Why?" Lily stared at me. "What did he ever do to you?"

What a perfect question. It would answer all her questions. But I wasn't going to answer it.

"I just hate him," I said stiffly.

"You can't hate him without reason, Lia," Lily nagged. "You have to have a reason. Like how I used to hate James for being such a jerk to other people."

She ran her fingers through her hair.

"Actually, I still hate that about him. I hate his fifth-year self. But he's reformed now. To my knowledge. He'd better have." Then she returned to her interrogation. "So why do you hate Severus, Lia?"

"Like you said. Fifth year." I was being vague, but still I worried that I was telling too much. I bit my lip and stayed quiet.

"Fifth year," Lily muttered out loud, thinking. "Oh – then!" she exclaimed suddenly. "I get it!" I knew she couldn't have figured it out, but her words still sent a shock through me. "He was a jerk in his fifth year. I remember that."

"Once a jerk, always a jerk," I said in a sing-song voice, wishing frantically that the conversation would change subjects.

"He called me a Mudblood," Lily continued. "I stood up for him and called me a filthy Mudblood. He didn't appreciate it at all! In fact, it was James who was tormenting him. Hanging him upside down... Good thing James has reformed."

"And you say you love a person who treated you like that after you saved him?"

"I don't love—" she began. Stopped.

"He's an evil person. You can't love evil." I spoke firmly.

"He changed. You can't hate him just because he was mean to me two years ago."

"That's not why—" I protested quickly. Oops.

"Why then?" Lily turned to face me. I held up my hand, my fingers blocking fragments of the bright sunlight.

I sighed. "He is evil," I repeated.

"Dahlia, you keep saying that. WHY? What did he ever do to make you call him evil?"

"But he is. Haven't you seen him, always gazing towards the restricted section of the library?"

"That doesn't make him evil He's always been fascinated by Defense Against the Dark Arts."

"It's not defense. He is into the dark arts."

"How do you know? And what did he ever do to you?"

"Defending your old lover?" I asked.

She pushed me gently. "Dahlia. Really."

I sat down under a tree. Leaned back into the calming shade.

"Dahlia, Lia, Lia," Lily badgered. She sat down next to me. "Tell me."

"I've told you," I replied. "And anyway, why do you care so much? I hate him. So?"

"You've never hated anyone this much. It disturbs me."

Hmm. Perhaps I'm not that good at hiding my emotions.

I let out a long sigh. Said nothing.

"Dahlia, I know something happened. You hate him for some specific reason. You've already said that it wasn't because of what he said to me. What is it?"

An ant crawled across a leaf.

She continued. "You're my best friend, Dahlia. Maybe we've gone through bad times, but you're still my friend and I want to know. Please tell me."

I bit my lip. "It doesn't matter. He was a jerk, he's still a jerk. End of story."

"No, Dahlia. I know it's more than that. What is it? You always avoid eye contact with him. You go out of your way to not see him in the hallways. I saw what happened when he gave you a piece of parchment. Your hands touched for a second and so you scratched away the skin. I can see that this is serious and I want to help you."

"When did you start thinking this?" I asked, taken aback. Never would have expected that Lily noticed so much about me.

"Not too long ago. Pretty recently. But I put it together with things I remember but never really thought about. It adds up. But there's one piece missing."

"I never really was into jigsaw puzzles," I muttered to the ground.

Lily put her hand on my shoulder.

"Please tell me, Dahlia. I'm your friend. I care about you."

I bit down on my tongue. Metallic blood filled my mouth. I stopped biting and swallowed the bitter blood.

"Can't you just let it be," I sighed.

"Dahlia, I can't let you suffer alone. Stop staring at the ground and tell me."

I pulled my head up suddenly. She was analyzing everything I did. I'm not so invisible anymore, I thought.

Tears sprang to my eyes. This is crazy, I thought. I don't cry. I can only remember four times in my life that I've cried. Why am I crying now?

As a tear left a burning streak down my cheek, I struggled to control myself. Lily put her arms around me and whispered, "It's okay. I'm here, I'm listening. Just let it out."

I wiped my eyes furiously, wondering how I could possibly be making such a fool out of myself.

I ran. Past the lake, up the stairs, I ran.