they should certainly be worth waiting for, right? In addition to the usual plot of this story, Satan makes an appearance in this chapter. A lot of potentially important stuff goes on here, so I hope you all will keep reading as this story goes along.
Also, I explained in here the purpose of the wheel death from the last chapter. Some of you were confused about that. Well it's explained here. I would've done those types of deaths from the start of this story, but I only found out about them in the middle of writing this. :)
Finally, I'd like to say that no real animals were harmed in the making of this story. Enjoy and review!
"Hey!" Cartman called out as he chased a still-walking Damien down the bike path. "Hey!" he
repeated. Receiving no response, Cartman began pedaling his bicycle faster in order to catch up.
The son of Satan finally turned around and acknowledged the other boy's presence.
"What?"
Cartman stopped his bike and pointed an accusing finger Damien's way.
"I saw everything. I saw what you did back there to Kyle!"
Small sparks of fire shot out the tips of Damien's fingers. He was fully prepared to destroy another human today if he had to. His deadly hands resting at his sides, Damien grinned and responded to Cartman by posing a simple question to him.
"What are you going to do about it?"
Cartman blinked. "What am I going to do about it? What am I going to -do- about it! I'll show you what I'm gonna do about it!"
The fat boy immediately hopped off his bike...and dropped to his knees, bowing. Damien raised a curious eyebrow and let the fire in his hands disappear.
"You are so cool!" Cartman exclaimed. "I noticed you went with the 'punishment in Hell' wheel death. That was a great call man. Oh, and you might wanna let them know in Hell that Kyle was a dirty Jew."
Damien blinked. "I see."
"Dude, the way you broke him was awesome. I'm seriously. In fact, I think we could make a good team."
"Team?" Damien echoed. "How so?"
"Follow me."
Once at the house, Cartman forced his mother to go into the kitchen and prepare a non-kosher
banquet in honor of Kyle's death. Of course Cartman ended up eating most of the food himself,
leaving very little for Damien to enjoy.
"Could we hurry this up?" Damien asked.
Cartman nodded and swallowed his mouthful of food. He got right to the point of his proposition.
"So we all know you have super awesome powers," Cartman began, "but you're limited. As a human, I can do things you can't. Together, I think we could kill a lot of lame people."
"What are you talking about? I have powers beyond your imagination. You're the one who's limited here."
"Well yeah but your powers aren't perfect. You have to have a weakness. Everyone has a weakness."
"Not me" Damien replied matter-of-factly.
"Nothing?" Cartman said, a bit surprised. "Oh come on. You mean you aren't afraid of like,
crosses or holy water or kryptonite?"
"You're eating a lot of food." Damien observed, not really answering the question.
"It's a special occasion." Cartman replied. "Look, you can't just go around killing people. This is a small town. They're gonna find out it's you unless you have someone helping you throw them off the trail. My one friend Stan's already trying to figure out who's killing everybody, and when he finds out you just smoked his best friend he's gonna be pissed."
"I don't fear mortals." Damien explained. "At worst they can only send me back to Hell where I came from, and once I'm the new Death, I'll be doing all the killing in the world."
"The new Death?" Cartman inquired before stuffing a piece of unkosher eel into his mouth.
"That's why I'm here. Death is retiring, and I've been given a tryout as his replacement. Every
meaningful death I cause in the name of the seven deadly sins gets me one step closer to a full-
time job. My victims' removal from this earth serves an important purpose and..."
Damien trailed off. He noticed that Cartman seemed to be eating more and more food with every passing second. It was quite possible the house was running out of clean plates.
"Can you stop eating?" Damien asked.
Cartman rolled his eyes. "Of course I can."
"Why don't you?"
"Why should I?" he countered.
Damien smirked. "Because gluttony is a sin."
"So? Look, there are a lot of people I know that deserve to die. Do you wanna be partners or not?"
Damien stood up from the table and made his way behind Cartman.
"I'm afraid not. But it was a pleasure doing business with you."
With a snap of his fingers, Damien turned the banquet on Cartman's plate into a collection of real-life rats, snakes, and toads. Before he knew it the fat boy was having his face shoved into the moving creatures thanks to Damien's hand pushing down on the back of his head. Cartman attempted to fight back, but felt his hands suddenly being bound by a rope Damien had conjured up out of thin air, much like the one he had used to restrain Kyle earlier that day.
The living animals were force-fed into Cartman's mouth one by one. He was made to swallow every last one of the disgusting vermin. It was considered the appropriate punishment in Hell for the sin of gluttony, just as Kyle's wheel death was considered the appropriate punishment for pride. Cartman whimpered in fear, knowing that the punishment he was currently receiving was the same one he would be facing in Hell. That could only mean that Hell was exactly where the dark prince's son was about to send him.
Slowly but surely, the snakes slithered past Cartman's lips. It was too much, even for the fat boy.
He choked to death with a cobra hanging halfway out of his mouth.
"That's for wasting my time, and for being a sinner." Damien said.
Damien shut his eyes and focused. Slowly the floor of the house began to crack, opening up a hole in the middle of the carpet. Like a hunter with an impressive kill, Damien proudly dragged his latest victim down into the gates of Hell with him. He suspected they had wanted to get their hands on this guy for a long time.
A few minutes later, a tired Damien finally plopped the fat ass corpse down at the feet of his father, Satan himself.
"Behold father, I have brought you another sinner."
Satan sighed from atop his demonic throne. "Damien, we need to talk."
"What do you mean?"
"You're out of control, that's what I mean!" Satan snapped. "Look, I know you want this job as Death, but you're really stretching the rules."
"I'm doing exactly as instructed of me." Damien defended. "I'm killing with a purpose, in the name of the seven deadly sins. I'm ridding the earth of condemned souls. How can you complain? Under my watch, you've already taken in more souls than any who tried out for the job before me could produce."
Satan rolled his eyes. "Now you sound like a politician. Look, son, there's something you're forgetting here. Death doesn't just send people to Hell. He sends them to Heaven too. The fact is all humans do some combination of bad and good in their lives. We can't punish everyone by taking them into Hell and God can't reward everyone by taking them into Heaven. The afterlife is a very complex system."
Damien scoffed. "Why should I help God? He is the enemy. I refuse to supply him with souls when we could easily claim them all for our side."
"Damien, that's not how Death does things. He's supposed to be impartial."
"Death's ways are old and outdated, just like he is. When I take over, things will be done my way."
"If you take over." Satan corrected. "I'm not happy with your performance at all."
Damien glared at his old man as the teen angst rose inside of him.
"Well I don't have to impress you! You may have gotten me the tryout, but it is Death's decision now! He wants results, and I'm giving them to him! I won't stop until all seven sins have been accounted for, and you can't stop me! The fragile system be damned!"
Satan sighed and put his head in his hands. "I so don't need this right now." he complained, his gay side shining through in front of his son. "Dammit now I have a migraine! I'll be taking a hot bath."
Satan walked away from his throne, literally about to wash his hands of the whole thing. Damien left Cartman's body for the demons to place in its proper location, and headed back the way he came. He was already anxious to return to earth and finish what he had started.