"God dammit you guys, we need to get the fuck out of here."
For once, everyone agreed with the bile spewing out of Cartman's mouth. Hell was bad enough on its own, but the little things made the situation a thousand times worse. Kyle and Cartman found it both fitting and annoying that the time they spent in Hell was being spent together. Chef was suffering from serious sexual withdraw. Tall Goth didn't mind the flames or the death, but he spent every day around murdered girl scouts listening to pop music. It was definitely driving him mad even though goths supposedly had no ability to feel. Token, who had since joined the group, spent his days listening to bad standup comedy. It was mostly racial material from black comedians. Token failed to see what was so funny about blacks and whites being different, especially since he wasn't one of the ghetto youths the comedians were catering to. The white guys in the crowd, most notably Jamie Kennedy and Fred Durst, seemed to find the jokes hysterical. Even the cats Damien killed were having troubles. They spent every day trying to capture a ball of yarn that was always dangled just slightly out of reach.
While Satan took things a bit easier on the South Park group due to what he felt was misplacement in Hell, they still had a lot to deal with. They needed a way out, and fast. Unfortunately, while everyone agreed with Cartman's sentiments about getting out of Hell, no one had any idea how to go about it.
Stan found himself a lawyer just as Butters and Kenny had suggested. Kenny and Butters even went with Stan when he did it-thus keeping their promise to help him out more in the future. Luckily Kyle's dad was willing to work for free on the case due to the person they'd be going after. He didn't question Stan's highly unlikely story. Gerald had lived in South Park long enough to know that some strange things happened there. Besides, like Stan, he wanted some form of closure. Some type of revenge. If Stan said Damien was responsible for Kyle's death, then Damien was the one Gerald wanted to see go down.
There was just one problem. Now that Stan had somebody capable of understanding and combating Damien's sheer evil on his side, he needed to once again find the son of a bitch.
Token's death was the last straw for the school board. Classes were officially cancelled for a week. This gave Stan more time to track down Damien, but it also gave Damien a reason not to hang around. Stan couldn't figure out why Damien chose to spend his time in South Park to begin with, let alone where else he might want to go. Since mister Broflovski was now on board, Stan decided to use Gerald's study as a base of operations rather than his own house. The last thing he needed was Damien randomly showing up in his bathroom again.
With school out for a week and nothing better to do, Kenny and Butters were once again able to join Stan on his mission. On their first day off, the boys spent some time in the study looking over various religious texts and a single computer until Stan broke the silence with a rhetorical question.
"If I were the son of the devil, where would I go?"
"Well not to Heaven; that's for darn sure." Butters replied in a totally serious tone.
The phone in the study rang. Stan picked up the receiver out of reflex, but regretted taking the call. This was Gerald's private phone in his private study. He probably used it for important lawyer business, which was probably what this phone call was going to be about. An actual paying client wanting to speak to his lawyer about his case-not some kid.
"Hello, Broflovski residence." Stan said into the phone's receiver, just in case someone out there confused a young boy's voice with the voice of their attorney.
"How's the search going?" Gerald asked on the other end of the line.
Although he agreed to help work the case, he wasn't doing much so far. Gerald couldn't deal with the pain of his lost son, and Stan couldn't blame him for feeling that way. He was sure Gerald's help would come in handy at some point, but for now dealing with Damien meant dealing with the fact that Kyle was dead and not coming back. Gerald couldn't deal with that yet, and it wasn't too easy on Stan either. For now, Gerald was literally phoning it in.
"Not too well," Stan replied to the question. "We don't even know where to start looking for him. We got lucky last time."
"Well the local police already have a warrant out." Gerald responded. "It's possible he left the state."
"The police?" Stan blinked at the phone. "When I told the cops my story they just laughed at me!"
"Most of the murders happened privately, so there isn't much evidence to go on." Gerald explained.
Stan raised a surprised eyebrow. "I didn't know there was any."
"Liane Cartman said her son was last seen eating with Damien," Gerald explained. "She only had a description to go on. Chef's lover had a vaguer description of a dark-cloaked figure breaking into Chef's house. It's not much but it's something. They could still find him."
Stan sighed. It was hard enough finding Damien in Colorado, let alone out of state. And, even if they managed to find him again, then what? Stan got his ass handed to him last time. How were you supposed to fight a homicidal bastard with supernatural powers? As much as he wanted to avenge his lost loved ones and as much support as he now had, Stan was starting to feel pretty hopeless.
"Well just keep looking." Gerald said. "I'll be home later."
With that, the call was ended. Gerald sighed as he hung up his phone. He began to stare at a picture on his work desk of his smiling, departed son. He quickly buried himself in paper work before the tears could start to fall.
Back in the study, Stan hung up too.
"The police won't do shit." Kenny said in response to Stan's side of the phone conversation.
Stan briefly snapped out of his hopeless funk to turn his head and look at his friend.
"Why not?"
"If they get near him, Damien will just kill them too."
"But Satan said he can't kill people unless they've done something wrong."
"He'll find a reason."
That was probably true. This guy justified the murder of kittens.
"It just figures they give us this week off." Kenny added.
"Huh?"
"We were gonna have this week off anyway. They only 'gave' us this week off so we won't have to stay longer at the end of the year. It's such bullshit."
"What were we gonna have this week off for?" Stan wondered.
"spring break, dude."
A look at a nearby calendar confirmed it. A second passed. Stan blinked. He picked up the phone one more time and placed it against his ear before dialing Gerald's office.
"Get to Conundrum Hot Springs beach." Stan ordered.
That had to be where Damien was.
Conundrum Hot Springs was south of Aspen. It was considered a popular beach in Colorado. That was probably due to the fact that it was also a clothing optional beach. Needless to say, Kenny didn't mind tagging along on the journey. Butters came too, but kept his eyes closed the whole time once they arrived. Gerald and Stan were all business, paying no mind to the naked people around them. They were there to find Damien and do...Well, they weren't sure what they were going to do exactly, but finding Damien was key.
"Stan, I don't think I can do this." Gerald admitted.
"I know." Stan said. "But you have to try. You're here to be my lawyer. You have to keep your cool."
"He killed my son!"
"I know Mister Broflovski! I know, okay? I'm not saying it's gonna be easy."
"Just don't get all in his face." Kenny advised. "If you do he'll just get pissed off and hurt you like he did to Stan."
"Yeah" Stan said in a slightly annoyed tone.
Gerald sighed. "I'll try."
The group made its way past some kids building a sand castle. They maneuvered around empty beer cans that were strewn about the beach by all the spring breakers. A random woman flashed her breasts, drawing only Kenny's attention.
"What the heck are we doin' here anyway?" Butters protested, feeling uncomfortable around all the drunks and half-nude girls.
"When kids aren't sinning at school, they're sinning at a beach on spring break." Stan explained.
Stan's theory was correct. Damien sat on a beach blanket near the water, staring at the MTV camera crew as they filmed 'wild' spring break activities with only the most aesthetically pleasing teenagers. The activities mostly consisted of barely legal girls dancing for the cameras and had very little, if anything, to do with music. Growing bored with the lack of sin that he was searching for, Damien decided to increase the body count for his resume. Adding to the number of bodies he sent to Hell wouldn't count toward the job if the victims didn't die due to one of the seven sins, but spring break was still about having fun.
Damien left his blanket and approached Carson Daily, who was hosting the event for MTV. Security quickly got between the demon and the spring break party host.
"It's cool you guys." Carson insisted. "His dad's responsible for my success."
"I want a microphone." Damien ordered, not caring to make small talk.
His wish was soon granted, and he took to the stage.
"People!" he called out. "The most sinful person on this beach gets a reward. Who wants to be a sinner!"
People began loudly cheering. Some started to argue with each other as they pushed one another aside to try and get on stage. Stan's crew heard the commotion and turned their heads to observe the nearby ruckus. Stan spotted the unmistakable face of Damien on the MTV stage and moved toward him with the others.
"Remember, be calm." Stan said to Gerald. "No matter what happens, no matter what he says, you have to remain calm." Stan told Gerald.
"Right."
As soon as they got within ten feet of Damien, Stan lunged right for him.
"ARGH! YOU ASSHOLE! YOU KILLED MY FRIENDS!"
Damien pulled his sunglasses down to observe Stan. "So that's what this is all about?" he questioned, as if it were no big deal. Stan had shouted that Damien was responsible for the death of his friends the last time they'd met up, but it had never really sunk in to Damien's mind until now.
"I HATE YOU!" Stan continued screaming as his friends and his attorney held him back from attempting to rip Damien's heart out with his bare hands.
"Most do." Damien replied. "Now leave. I already warned you what would happen if you fucked with me again."
"You just threatened my client with violence in front of witnesses." Gerald informed Damien, doing his best to stay in lawyer mode. "I suppose we can just add that to your list of charges."
Damien snorted. "You got a lawyer?"
"Yeah! I did!" Stan snapped. "And we're gonna get you!"
"Doubtful. The only laws I follow are the laws of death. And once I have that title, things are going to change. I follow no guidelines but my own. I am above your rules."
"You think you're such hot shit!" Stan spat. "Well guess what kid: I'm not scared of you! I don't care how many people you kill! I don't care how many powers you have! I'm still here, in your face, and I'm gonna be for as long as you're on earth! I'm not fucking SCARED of you and I'm sure as fuck not impressed!"
"OOH!" the crowd around them yelled. "Oh no he didn't!" added a drunk man in the background.
Damien's manhood had been challenged. He couldn't stand for that. This kid was becoming like an annoying little gnat to Damien. It was time to squash him.
"You won't be able to bother me if I find a reason to kill you." Damien said casually. "Which I will." he promised.
"Threats of murder!" Gerald accused.
Damien rolled his eyes to Gerald's remark as MTV's security team approached, wanting to defuse the situation before a potential riot broke out.
"Take them away." Damien instructed. "I have a job to finish."
Stan frowned as security got between he and Damien. He wanted to hurt this guy, and he wanted to do it badly. But how? How could he get his revenge? More importantly, how could he get Damien to fail at getting the job? It was a job that Stan already knew he shouldn't have. That was actually supposed to be his main reason for dealing with Damien at all, but Stan's selfish desire for blood was starting to take top priority. It seemed that the more people got between he and Damien, the more Stan wanted to rip the kid's head off alone in a dark alley.
As security told him to move along, the words of Damien echoed in Stan's mind. He had a job to finish. A job...
"WAIT!" Stan called out suddenly. "What if we made you a deal?"
"A deal?" Damien asked, not even pretending to sound interested. "What sort of deal could you possibly make me?"
"If I beat you, you have to give up the Death job forever."
"Give up the job?" Damien blinked. "Why the fuck should I agree to that?"
"Because if you beat me..." Stan paused for a moment, thinking of what he could possibly offer as a reward. "...If you beat me, my lawyer will give you a recommendation."
"WHAT!" everyone around Stan said in shock.
Damien's interest suddenly rose. "What?"
"Every applicant for a job needs references. If you get one from a lawyer, you're a synch to get the job."
"HE KILLED MY SON!" Gerald reminded Stan.
"Which would make a reference from you all the more impressive." Damien admitted with a smirk, making Gerald want to lunge at Damien himself and find his own attorney to handle the assault charges.
"Don't let him talk that shit!" one drunken man yelled. "Kick his ass!"
"You're on." Damien decided.
"Wh-what're you gonna beat him in, Stan?" Butters asked. "A pie eatin' contest? A dance off?"
"Fuck that." Damien shook his head. "We'll fight."
"Fine!" Stan agreed, a bit too quickly.
"NO! He beat your ass last time." Kenny reminded Stan.
"I don't care." Stan said with rising determination. If that's how Damien wanted it, that's how it had to be. This was Stan's only shot.
Damien produced a contract immediately thanks to his powers. He tossed it Gerald's way.
"Look it over and sign it." Damien said.
"Where is this fight going to happen?" Gerald asked as he skimmed the paperwork. "It doesn't say in here."
Damien shrugged. "I suppose we can do it at the school. I'm familiar with that area and no one will be around to break things up."
Stan nodded. "When?"
"Tomorrow. At midnight." Damien replied.
Butters gasped. "You're gonna make us stay up past our bed times like that? You ARE evil!"
"Thank you."
With that, Damien decided to take his own exit from the boring spring break scene. A cloud of smoke filled the area, making everyone cough. When it cleared, Damien was once again gone.
His absence made Stan once again want to destroy him even worse than before.