As you all know by now, Isaac Hayes left the show. Unfortunately, that really screwed up my fic since Chef was still a character at the time I started writing this. I make a little joke about that at the end. I hope you all don't mind. :)
Thanks to all of my readers, beta readers, etc. for your continued patience. Enjoy the conclusion (or the whole fic if this is your first time discovering it) and read and review!
Stan had gotten into plenty of fights in his life, but none of them were as important or going to be as difficult to win as the upcoming battle with Damien.
With less than a day to prepare, Stan hit the gym and trained as hard as he possibly could. He racked his brain for anything that might be of some kind of help. Uncle Jimbo taught him some boxing once, so Stan worked on hitting a sand bag. Stan and his friends had also taken a martial arts class at one point, so Stan boned up on some striking and kicking variations. Really though, what good would any of this do against a kid with demonic powers? Unfortunately, it was all Stan had to work with.
"We have a problem!"
Stan sighed. 'We have a problem' was the absolute last sentence he wanted to hear right now. With only hours to get ready for the fight of his life, Stan didn't need more pressure piled on. He was already responsible for avenging his dead friends and making sure the afterlife was safe for other souls. What else could be going wrong?
Knowing what Damien was capable of, Gerald had spent the last several hours looking over the fight contract for any disputed points or potential loopholes. It appeared that he had finally found something, and called Stan's attention to it immediately.
Stan paused his workout and turned to face Gerald, who had rushed into the gym with the problematic news. Kenny and Butters were right behind him, as usual. Stanley was thankful for all of his continued support. Stan stared at Gerald with concern and braced himself for the bad news.
"What's the problem?"
"According to this contract, the rules of death will apply during the fight."
"So what does that mean?"
"It means he can kill you," Kenny explained on the lawyer's behalf. Kenny was of course all too familiar with the rules of death.
"He needs to justify the people he kills," Gerald continued. "If you're physically threatening him it's an obvious case of self-defense."
Stan gave the sand bag another punch.
"Dammit! Son of a bitch! And there's nothing we can do? Mister Broflovski, you're a lawyer. Can't you negotiate with him?"
Gerald shook his head. "Damien has all the leverage here Stan. He has little to gain and everything to lose in this fight. He knows if we don't play by his rules he can just keep on killing people and we won't be able to stop him. As much as it hurts me to say it, I think you should just forget this whole thing. If you sign this contract, you'll be putting your own life at risk."
Stan prepared to unleash another string of obscenities, but stopped himself before any words could get out. Gerald was right. Damien didn't have to gamble in this fight, but he agreed to do so anyway. He poofed up that contract for Stan to sign without so much as a second thought after his manhood and his ability to strike fear were challenged back at the beach.
If Stan couldn't outpower Damien, he had to outsmart him.
Back in Hell, the South Park group was trying to find a means of escape back up to earth. Cartman was the first to suggest an idea. He seemed rather excited about it.
"You guys! Why don't we tattoo a map of Hell on Kyle's body like on that prison show? I'll find some needles!"
"No," Kyle denied with an angry glare. "Look, there was a way down here. There has to be a way back up too."
"In case you forgot, Jew, Damien and some demons dragged us all down here. Who's gonna push us back up?"
"I don't think all of Hell -could- lift your fat ass!"
Before the two could bicker any more, Satan made another appearance before the group in another bright flash of fire.
"Excuse me? Hi," the dark lord greeted.
"Yah?" Tall Goth answered on the group's behalf.
"Listen, there's a rumor going around that all of you are trying to break out of Hell. I'm here to tell you that we can't have that."
"Why not?" Token asked.
"Well because then everyone would try to leave and the lake of fire would get super crowded. It'd just cause a whole lot of drama and I really don't need that right now."
Chef attempted to reason with the demon. The ladies were often swayed by his charm. Perhaps a big, red gay guy would be too.
"Look Satan, your son is abusing his power. Even you said he exaggerated how badly we sinned. Can't we just talk to Death and try to work something out? You told us all before that he could send innocent people back."
Satan shook his head. "No. He's very busy taking applications right now. Once he finishes that he'll pick the one to take his place. I can tell you that my son is being heavily considered, so unfortunately it looks like you're totally screwed."
Kyle protested. "But that would suck! You can't just sit back and let your son do these things Satan."
"He has the power of Death until his tryout is over. I can't tamper with that."
"Well you need to do something," Chef said. "Look, children need discipline. He's messing with people's lives here. He's sending them where they shouldn't go. You pulled some strings to get him the chance, and he blew it. When a child messes up you don't reward him. You take something away."
"My hands are tied. But I'm really sorry for all the inconvenience."
"Inconvenience!" Kyle shouted. "He killed us and sent us to Hell!"
"Tell you what," Satan offered. "Here's a coupon for a free sin."
"A free sin?" Cartman repeated. He seemed to have some interest in the idea.
Satan reached into his loin cloth and produced some small slips of paper. He handed them out to the South Park clique.
"These coupons are all good for one free sin for each of you," Satan explained. "It won't count against you for placement in Heaven or Hell."
Cartman briefly stared at his coupon, pondering the power it gave him.
"So, if I were to use my coupon to kill Kyle-"
"FUCK YOU!" Kyle replied. "I don't want some gay-ass coupon! I want to go back to earth where I belong!"
"Look, those coupons are the best I can do," Satan stated firmly. "Leaving would screw up Hell and I'm not about to let any of you do that. You're stuck here. Death can't help you and neither can I. Deal with it.""
The group groaned in defeat and headed off for another section of Hell. Before moving with them, Cartman had one final comment for Satan to consider.
"You know what? You shouldn't be red. You should be pink."
"Pink?"
"Yeah, pink. Because you're a pussy!"
The fat boy stomped off in a huff. Satan gave a sigh, staring blankly into the distance as he considered the group's words.
As agreed upon, they met at midnight. Damien didn't make it clear where at the abandoned school building the fight would take place, but he would no doubt show himself when the time came. Stan entered the school with the usual entourage by his side. They had been with him through the ordeal so far, and they weren't about to stay at home now.
"Are you ready Stan?" Butters asked.
"I guess."
"I just hope your plan works," Kenny remarked. "It -better- work!" he added with a hint of annoyance in his voice.
"It will," Stan assured him. "Just wait for the right time and go for it."
"Stan, I really think you should reconsider," Gerald pleaded. "You're risking your life."
"I don't care. Damien made me not want to live once already. I'm not letting him ruin people's lives anymore."
Just then, Damien appeared in another cloud of smoke. He gave Stan a demonic smirk and rolled up his sleeves, wanting to get right to the matter.
"All right, let's do this."
Gerald shook his head. "Not so fast Damien. We have your contract here, but we put a change in it. We want you to fight him like a man. No magic, no powers, just you and Stan."
The demon boy scoffed. "Why should I agree to that? You people are in no position to negotiate. I don't even have to do this if I don't want to."
Stan blinked. "Oh, I get it. You're too scared to fight me normally. You're afraid you'll lose."
"H'yeah!" Butters exclaimed. "Why, you gave him what for back at Raisins, Stan. B-before he made the glass ruin your face and all."
"Pussy," Kenny mocked.
Damien glared at them all. He had once again been insulted. Who the fuck did this mortal think he was messing with? Damien had killed many people, and this kid was taunting him?
"Doing it with your bare hands is more fun anyway. Fine, no magic. My first victim died from a stab wound in case you forgot. It'll be my pleasure to send you back down to Hell with him."
Stan glared. "We'll see about that."
But Damien wasn't stupid. He held up a hand to indicate a hault to the proceedings.
"Not so fast. I have a revision of my own. If this fight's going to be between you and I, it means your little friends here can't touch me. This fight is only between us."
The human boy nodded. "Deal! My friends won't touch you."
Damien nodded in agreement and snapped his fingers, burning new words into the page. Stan took the contract from Gerald, removed a pen from his own pants pocket, and signed his name on the dotted line. He tossed the contract Damien's way.
Damien scoffed. He wasn't about to blow his job as Death thanks to a reworded piece of paper that some sneaky earth lawyer tampered with. He caught the contract and looked it over himself for any one-sided changes they might have avoided telling him about. As Damien looked over the revised paperwork, the rage once again started building up inside of Stan. He wanted to do this already. He loved punching the demon out and had been savouring the memory ever since. He wanted to do it again. Actually, he wanted to do worse things for a much longer period of time, and he wanted to do it right now! Soon Stan could finally get his hands on the one responsible for killing his loved ones.
"Ha! Some lawyer you have. He left in that the rules of death would apply."
Once Damien had finished looking over and finally signed the contract, the battle was on.
Stan's crew stood back against some nearby lockers while the two combatants circled one another in the middle of the hallway. It almost resembled a bare-knuckled boxing match. Damien landed the first connecting blow, socking Stan in the face. Stan, angered, ferociously began punching back. He landed a few shots to the chin until Damien punched him across the face again. Unfortunately, this sent Stan falling backwards into his friends.
"Come on Stan!" Butters encouraged.
Stan quickly lunged forward, throwing a quick jab. It struck Damien in the jaw. He quickly recovered and threw a devastating right hook to Stan's head. The throbbing was immediate. Stan recoiled, and nearly fell back again, but luckily the lockers were behind him to hold him up this time.
Damien landed two more hooks; One left, one right. Stan was losing the fight, but his friends couldn't make a move to help.
Stan covered up his face and hit an uppercut of his own to Damien's body, sending him reeling back. Next, recalling his karate training, Stan leapt forward and kicked Damien in the head with two side kicks, knocking him down. Stan took advantage, pouncing on Damien and punching away at his face. Damien fought back by nailing Stan in the nose with a brutal uppercut. Stan rolled off, feeling blood running down his face from the punch. The boys stumbled back to their feet and moved down the hall. Stan's crew followed.
Stan ducked into an open classroom. Damien followed. Stan moved back in quickly, but Damien was faster. Damien hit him three more times in the head. Stan went to punch Damien, but Damien ducked the shot and used the momentum to flip Stan over onto a desk. He gave Stan a massive headbutt, making the boy's head spin even more than it already was. He was now bleeding from both the nose and the head. Damien decided to try his hand at helping the boy lose oxygen. He wrapped his hands around Stanley's throat and began to choke him. As Gerald and company entered the room, Stan punched Damien as hard as he possibly could. Damien was knocked back against the blackboard, momentarily stunned. Stan got to his feet again and launched himself at Damien with a jumping kick. Stan fell on Damien as they crashed to the ground again.
The next punch shattered Damien's nose upon impact, finally drawing his blood.
As the red liquid flowed like water from both boy's bodies, Kenny, Butters and Gerald took cover against the wall while Damien and Stan traded more punches to the face. Stan grabbed Damien by the hair and slammed his head against one of the classroom desks, leaving a blood stain. Damien stumbled back and grabbed onto a chair for balance. He lifted it up and aimed it toward Stan's stomach, jamming one of the legs into him.
Stan hunched over in pain and stepped backward, knocking over a few desks along the way. He headed out of the classroom, and again Damien gave chase. They continued brawling all over the building while the others stayed a respectable distance away. Damien and Stan eventually reached the back of the school. Damien spotted a nearby window and brought Stan to his knees thanks to a kick in the groin.
"Come on you son of a bitch!"
"Oh jeez, Stan's gettin' his butt kicked," Butters remarked.
Damien took a moment to catch his breath and stop the bloodflow as best he could. Stan grabbed onto the ledge for support, attempting to get back up. Damien charged him, preparing to drive him through glass once again. Luckily, Stan heard him approaching, and whirled around, blasting Damien with a roundhouse kick. Damien fell against a table, but Stan wasn't letting him get off that easy. He grabbed the boy by his Death robe and hurled him into the glass. It promptly broke around the boy's face.
"Doesn't feel too good does it!" Stan mocked.
Despite the glass in his face, Damien saw the next jab coming a mile away. He moved his head just far back enough for the punch to miss. His left arm came out like a missile, nearly breaking Stan's jaw. He threw a few more light jabs a couple inches away from the old man then danced back and forth. Then out of nowhere jabbed the right side of the old mans head causing him to step back a little but otherwise retain his posture. Damien hit another punch, but this time Stan blocked it. This left Damien's side exposed. Stan took advantage and hit three hard punches to the ribs. Damien sneered as Stan wound back his fist for another hit. In one swift moiton Damien stepped back and ducked slightly. The punch missed and the demon came back up with a strong uppercut of his own. It was so hard it knocked Stan a good three feet before he came crashing to the floor.
This time as Stan got back to his feet, Damien tackled him. It knocked both boys further back and closer to the next wing of the school: The cafeteria.
Damien straddled Stan, hitting him with a barrage of lefts and rights. Stan pressed a hand to his throbbing head, finally stopping the bleeding but not the pounding in his skull. He was feeling weak already. He was able to block the next few punches and even returned some of his own, but the blows weren't as heavy. The human was exhausted.
Finally, Damien got off Stan. His adrenaline was starting to run thin as well. It was time to finish this.
Damien agreed to no use of magic, but he said nothing about not using weapons. Just like wit his first victim, Damien fetched another knife.
But so did Gerald.
"NOW!"
Kenny lowered his head. He was promptly stabbed through the head by the concealed weapon in Gerald's pocket. As Damien moved in on Stan, his beeper went off.
"What the fuck!"
"The rules of death apply," Stan reminded him. "That means you have to follow them. You have a last-minute pickup, asshole!"
"But you said you wouldn't interfere!"
"Wrong! We said we wouldn't touch you, and we're not," Gerald explained with a triumphant grin.
Damien growled under his breath. He had been outsmarted. He made a mental note to never tell another soul about Death's requirements for last-minute pickups. He turned away from the ongoing battle to do his doty. He opened up a hole in the ground and quickly disposed of Kenny's lifeless body. The distraction allowed Stanley time to get back to his feet and move behind the boy. As the son of Satan turned around, one of his fanged teeth was sent flying by a hard right cross. Damien countered with a left hook. It hurt Stan, but not enough. Damien tried to hit a right and then a left jab, but Stan dodged them both with revived hope and quickness. He saw Damien's fist coming to hit him in the body next, so he moved to the left and hit Damien with another left hook. Stan followed it up with a jab. He continued hitting Damien with all the strength he had left, until his momentum was quickly ceased thanks to the still-hidden knife in the other boy's hand. Damien cut Stan open with an angry thrust of the weapon, making the boy howl in pain.
"Now we end this," Damien promised as he raised the weapon again.
But it wasn't over yet. To Damien's surprise, Kenny was back. It was as though the blonde had appeared out of thin air. His stab wound had also somehow disappeared.
"Where did he come from!"
"Do it again!" Ken encouraged, pointing at Butters.
"What! B-but Kenny, I don't wanna stab you. You're mah friend and-"
"JUST DO IT YOU FUCKING PUSSY!" Gerald demanded.
"AH!" Butters jumped. "OKAY OKAY!"
A scared Butters nervously snatched the knife from Gerald and instinctively plunged it through Kenny's heart. He looked away as he committed the very wrong deed.
Beep, beep, beep went the cursed pager of Death. Damien opened up another hole and summoned some demons to once again take Kenny away. A frustrated Damien finally hurled the beeper against the nearest wall, breaking it into pieces. The rules of death be damned! A victory here would get Damien what he wanted.
In more ways than one.
Noting that the knife was still in Damien's hand, Stan used the momentary distraction to find a weapon of his own. He dug the pen used to sign the contract back out of his pocket.
When Kenny was again out of sight, Damien refocused his attention on the fight. Now more than ever, he wanted it to end.
Stan could feel his anger reaching an all-time high. He remembered all the things that had happened to him. All the pain Damien caused for nothing more but a job. With all he had left, a furious Stan jammed the pen into Damien's eye. Not once or twice, but six times. He went deeper and deeper with each thrust of the knife until it successfully punctured Damien's brain. Stan saw the blood gushing out of the other boy, and guiltfully relished in the moment. He couldn't stop, but he did briefly hesitate. Stan rarely hurt or killed anything in his life. He couldn't even stand to hunt dangerous animals with his uncle. But Damien wasn't an animal, and he was also certainly far from a human being. He was a heartless creature who had taken the lives of other innocent people. People who were Stan's friends. Damien deserved to pay for that.
Stan continued stabbing the boy in a fit of blind rage. He was doing it! He was beating Damien! He was winning the fight and finally getting his revenge! Stan knew Damien was hurting, but what he didn't know was that he would soon be hurting too. Very badly.
"LOOK OUT!" Gerald and Butters shouted.
With his last ounce of life, Damien reached his hand around and plunged the blade of his knife into Stan's side, cutting deeply enough to hit his appendix.
It was the last thing Stan felt before he died.
The deed was done. Seemingly, Stan had won the fight. Damien's plans of becoming Death were ruined. Stan had won the fight. Strangely, despite this, a smirk appeared on Damien's face just before his own life faded away. That was because although he may not have gotten the coveted letter of recommendation, he had still accomplished his goal.
The duo woke up side by side in Hell, each still looking beaten and tired. The South Park group rushed over to their fallen friend immediately.
"Stan!" Kyle exclaimed. "Stan, are you okay!"
Stan slowly opened his eyes, adjusting to his new surroundings. "Kyle?"
"Did you win the fight?" the redhead questioned as he helped his best friend back up to his feet.
Stan paused and looked around, still getting his wits about him. "How'd you know about that?"
"Kenny was here. He told us what was happening," Kyle explained.
Stan blinked, taking a quick head count of his friends.
"Where -is- Kenny?"
Kyle shrugged. "He probably went back to earth again."
"So did you win or not?" Cartman asked impatiently.
A smile came over Stan's face as his brain processed the answer to the question.
"Yeah. Yeah I did. It's over."
"Guess again," Damien informed him as he pushed himself up with the aid of a nearby rock.
"Oh no, it's over asshole." Stan shook his head. "I killed you. I won!"
"Yes. And why did you kill me?"
"To stop you from becoming Death."
"That's why you fought me. Why did you -kill- me?" he repeated with the appropriate emphasis.
"Because you..." Stan paused, his face turning white. "...Because you killed my friends..." he reasoned.
"Congratulations," Damien said. "You completed the circle. You gave me my seventh sin. You committed the sin of wrath. Why do you think you're back in Hell?"
Stan's injured jaw dropped. He was right. Stan had sinned and died in the process. That meant that he was now dead. Dead and stuck in Hell for all eternity. Stan may have had the brilliant idea to use Kenny to his advantage, but Damien had his own master plan in mind. Whether it was the sin of wrath or a case of self-defense, Damien had all his bases covered. He had a reason to kill Stan no matter what happened. There was no way Stan could have truly won the fight, and he didn't.
"You son of a bitch! You tricked me!"
Damien's smirk grew. "Did you really think you could outsmart me? Did you really think you could beat me? I'm the son of the devil. And now, thanks to you, my tryout is over. I completed my mission and I'm still eligable for the job. It's only a matter of time until I become Death. You can't beat Death, mortal. I'll judge all sinners how I see fit and there's nothing anyone can do about it."
"Yes there is," a voice announced from the distance.
Satan appeared before the group once again. He pointed to Chef.
"I was thinking about what you said. My son does need discipline in his life. I might have gotten him the tryout for this job, but I can't let him destroy the balance of good and evil. You finished your task Damien, and Death has your application, but I'm afraid you won't get the job."
Now it was Damien's turn to look shocked.
"WHAT! What the hell are you talking about father?"
"I gave my -own- letter of recommendation to a -new- Death applicant!"
"Who?"
Fog suddenly rose up from the ground, making the dead humans cough. Slowly, a figure in a dark robe emerged from the distance. Death himself had finally arrived. Needless to say, he had the attention of everyone.
"Death, have you made your final decision?" Satan asked.
Never one for speaking, Death nodded his head under his dark hood and pointed his skeletal finger away from the group back toward the remaining thick fog. A smaller figure with human hands, wearing a robe the exact type and color as the one worn by the Grim Reaper, came out next and stood beside the taller creature. The apprentice of the afterlife pulled back his hood...
...to reveal another hood. Specifically, the hood of an orange parka.
"KENNY!" the South Park group exclaimed in surprise. Except for Tall Goth, who didn't seem phased by the whole thing.
Satan smiled. "It was a last minute application, but he's certainly an expert on the rules of death."
"...No..." Damien weakly protested. "NO!"
Satan nodded his head. "It's over Damien. I'm sorry."
The rage slowly built up inside the young demonic teen. He worked his ass off to get that job. There was no way that Kenny boy deserved it more. With a scream of rage, Damien hurled a fireball in the direction of his father's face.
"HEY!"
Satan dodged the fire and glared at his boy. Clearly this kid was out of control.
"THAT DOES IT!" Satan shouted. "Damien, you're going to learn to respect your elders RIGHT NOW!"
With a simple clap of the devil's hands, Damien found himself in the same position as one of his victims. He was suddenly bound and gagged by some ropes that had appeared out of nowhere. Apparently Satan was an old-school parent who believed in "tough love" physical discipline. But, before he could make a move to teach his child a lesson, Stan still had a question to pose.
"Wait. So, Kenny's Death now?"
"Looks that way," Kenny smiled.
Stan blinked. "But...But what does that mean? What happens to me? What happens to my friends?"
Since Death was never one for talking, Satan answered on his behalf.
"Well, that's up to the new Death. I told you all before: Only Death can decide where people go and when."
The group all perked up again. Except for Tall Goth.
"We wanna go back!" Kyle declared for everyone.
"I think I can arrange that," Kenny winked at his friends.
"Not so fast," Cartman insisted.
"What!" Stan exclaimed.
"What're you talking about!" Kyle demanded to know as well.
Cartman walked over to the now helpless Damien. The group's eyes followed him. The fat boy stomped his overweight foot onto the face of the demon boy.
"We can't go yet you gahs."
"Why not?" Stan asked.
Cartman produced the free sin coupon from his pocket.
"Because we haven't gotten even," he explained with a devilish smirk of his own.
"Oh yeah," Chef agreed with a small laugh.
Kyle grinned at Satan. "I think we'll be using these now."
Satan shrugged and accepted the coupons back from the boys. It was one less beating for him to administer. The group of victims formed a straight line, preparing to kick Damien's ass one by one.
About an hour later, Damien was mangled beyond recognition. His limbs were broken, if not entirely missing. His body was punctured and bloody. He could barely groan out in pain, because he had gone hoarse from screaming in worse pain only minutes before. With tears in his eyes he looked to Kenny, the new official face of Death, with a simple request.
"Kill me...Please kill me..."
"Nope" he casually answered.
"WHAT!"
"Nah, I don't feel like it."
"I hope you've learned your lesson about tampering with death, Damien," Satan said. "Death isn't a bad thing. It's a necessary thing. People need to have their pain ended. They need closure to a long, happy life. Most importantly, they need to go where they belong once that life is over."
"Unless you're me," Kenny joked.
"Come on, let's go." Stan decided.
The group headed for a hole that Kenny opened up for them. It would presumable lead them all back to earth. It was finally over. Soon, everything would be as it was again. Except that now, Kenny would have a job. Good for him.
They left Hell together with their earth lives all restored. Stan paused at the exit to the portal and turned back to face the father of the boy he had just battled one more time.
"Hey Satan?" Stan said. "...Thanks."
Satan nodded. "You're welcome."
"I'm sorry about your son."
Satan shook his head. "You've done a good thing Stan. In fact, I have a strong feeling I'll never see you again."
"I hope not," he admitted with a bit of a smile. It was the first time he'd smiled in weeks. "Later dude."
With that, Stan walked into the hole, holding his head high in victory.
"I'm gonna go hang with them for a little bit," Kenny announced. He headed for the portal as well.
"This isn't fair!" Damien insisted. "You can't do this to me!"
Kenny responded by flicking a free sin coupon Damien's way.
AFTERMATH
Gerald and Kyle were tearfully reunited back at the school. There was a huge party a few weeks later to celebrate the boy's return. Naturally, Cartman crashed the event.
For fighting the son of the devil, Butters got grounded.
The school was opened up again following spring break. On their first day back, Token wrote Kenny a blank check to get his fmaily out of the ghetto. He had apparently learned a lesson about being a good person in life.
Tall Goth was reuinted with the other goth kids. They didn't seem to care.
Chef decided to take advantage of his second chance at life. He signed up with a group called the Super Adventure Club and left South Park shortly afterward to explore the world. He was probably fine after that.
Stan was, of course, the happiest boy on earth. He had everything and everyone back again. His life was truly complete, now more than ever. Impressed with his own ability to fist fight well, he signed up for amateur boxing. He remains undefeated to this day.
Death retired to a condo in Florida.
For every minute of every day, Damien continued living in pain for all eternity. Exactly the way it should be.
THE END