NEVER TO RETURN AGAIN
Author's Note:
This is some random KKM fic I made. Again, it is angsty. Don't expect happy-love stories soon. If you have the song Yubiwa, listen to it while reading this. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: Don't own KKM.
It is amazing, how everything suddenly changed in a drop of hat. How everything you thought you did not want at all suddenly transformed into the only thing you ever wish to posses. How the one you never noticed before suddenly became the most important person in your life. How when you realized something, suddenly everything was too late. How you realized you loved someone when the person was gone and you missed his presence.
Especially when the said person was never going to return to you, never.
Lying in the darkness, facing the canopy of his king-sized bed, Shibuya Yuuri found himself recalling all the events in the past three days. He could hardly be able to feel anything, as if he was just an empty shell, left alone in the solitary of his room. He simply stared, the weeping of the whole Shin Makoku still echoing in his ears.
Yes, his kingdom just mourned, and it barely went over its grief. But for Yuuri, this is just the beginning. The beginning of the realization his body and mind would have to go through. The realization that no one was going to yell "Wimp!" in his ears anymore. The realization that he would have all of his bed to himself since that day. The realization that there would be no other painting session. The realization that no one was going to accuse him as a 'cheater' anymore. The realization that he would no longer see the ridiculous pink nightgown. The realization that he no longer had a fiancée. The realization that he would no longer see the familiar blonde hair, blazing emerald green eyes, and cobalt blue uniform.
The realization that Wolfram was no longer there.
He remembered how everything happened so clearly, too clearly even. He closed his eyes, chest constricted painfully. Wolfram…lying in a puddle of blood. His own blood….
How could he let it happened right in front his eyes so easily!
When Gisela walked out of the hospital wing with tears in her eyes and trembles in her voice, Yuuri did not feel anything. He was in an empty space, suddenly lost and unfeeling. Nothing seemed to matter anymore, not even when Greta suddenly hugged him while crying her heart out. Not even when Conrad laid a comforting hand on his shoulder. He knew that the older man was close to tears. Not even when Gwendal had left with a huff, but everybody could hear the tremble and grief in his grumpy voice. Not even when Cheri came, trying to cheer everyone up until she herself burst into tears in the middle of Wolfram's burial, hugging her youngest son's gravestone and screaming his name over and over again, a prayer that would remain unfulfilled.
He had watched, stared, and felt…nothing.
He was incapable to feel anymore.
He sighed and stood up, walking out of his room in brisk steps. He did not shed a single tear, and all he felt was the occasional pain in his heart. But, then again, it might all be his illusions only.
Maybe this whole thing was a dream, a nightmare, and he would wake up on the floor, being kicked out of the bed like usual, with Wolfram lying on his bed, dozing peacefully complete with his pink nightgown. Perhaps this was nothing more but his imagination….
His steps grew faster, and desperate. His feet brought him across the halls, crossing the dark and empty corridors, through the Blood Pledge Castle.
He stopped. Was it truly the Blood Pledge Castle? He could barely recognize it. As if it suddenly changed into an alien place to him, and he was a stranger in the darkness, lost and alone, desperate and empty.
His breath was coming into haggard gasps and panting as he continued his walk, destination unknown. Something was suffocating him, torturing him from inside, tearing every bit left of his heart apart, crushing everything he ever had and knew into unrecognizable remnants.
The cold night wind blew, and he found himself crossing the royal rose garden. White roses were blooming everywhere, and their scent brought painful memories to him.
Wolfram's favorite place, according to Cheri's information, when he was little.
There, standing under the shadow of a huge tree, stood a stone, carved with elegant writings and intertwined flowers. Real flowers, mostly red roses, were put in a neat bouquet on its feet, a tribute to someone he knew to well. They were no longer flowers of happiness and love. To Yuuri, they were the flowers of death. A sign of departure, a sign of never to return again.
Yuuri traced the writing on the white stone, mouthing the name carved on it.
"Wolfram von Bielefeld."
Then, something exploded within him, such anguish and sorrow, such pain and grief, shards of regret and unfulfilled longing, daggers of the feeling of losing someone you held the dearest within your heart, even though you did not realize it at first. He fell kneeling on the ground, tears welling up uncontrollably in his eyes. The emptiness was gone, replaced by pain, regret, and—mostly—love.
He touched the name on the stone, and a single drop of tear fell down against his will, which was soon followed by many others. "Gods, Wolf…," he whispered hoarsely, before letting out a scream filled with grief and unsaid words. The thunder roared somewhere, and suddenly the rain poured down heavily, soaking his body mercilessly. He remained in his position, kneeling with hair matted down and head bowed. Darkness enveloped him, and he was too glad to fall into its embrace.
The rain was singing to him, a song he never heard yet immediately recognized. Before he realized it, he was already singing softly under his breath; words that he had wanted to say for long yet kept unsaid, until everything was too late.
"The rain is falling and I will let the thunder roars
Since suddenly nothing seems to matter to me
Right when you departed, everything slipped out from my grip
The sand of time is slipping right from my fingers
This is never supposed to happen, not for me
But I have long figured out that this is no nightmare, this is reality
I smile as I sob, I laugh as I cry
I am lost, all alone without you
You often told me you loved me, yet I had rejected you
But right when you were gone, when I realized that
You were not going to return again
Suddenly I know that all I had said to you is untrue
Funny how I never realized it until fate took you away
When I knew that you were not going to return to me
Can't hold back these damned tears anymore, so I'll cry right here
Silly how I suddenly regretted not telling you the truth
When I realized that all I have been feeling is true
Can't contain this sorrow anymore, so I'll scream with all my voice
I smile as I sob, I laugh as I cry
I am lost, all alone without you
You often told me you loved me, yet I had rejected you
But right when you were gone, when I realized that
You were not going to return again
Suddenly I know that all I had said to you is untrue
Singing in the rain right in front of your grave
A prayer that would never be fulfilled
Even though I have prayed to all Gods I know
You are meant to never to return again to me
Embrace me for the last second, give me a chance to say
"I love you…"
Begging to the thunder, kneeling in the rain
For a second chance, to let you know my feelings for you
I smile as I sob, I laugh as I cry
I am lost, all alone without you
You often told me you loved me, yet I had rejected you
But right when you were gone, when I realized that
You were not going to return again
Suddenly I know that all I had said to you is untrue"
"Oh Gods, Wolf…," Yuuri whispered to the stone, pounding the ground with his fist in despair, tears falling onto the grass. "Please…, I need a second chance…."
"To tell you that I love you…."
XXX
I wrote that in a flash of inspiration, and it took twenty minutes (plus the song). This fic is not beta-ed, so don't blame me. I nearly cried while typing this. And I post this without checking it again. Because that is what desperate people do. Tell me whether you like it or not. BTW, what do you think about the song?
Aqua Alta