Blood From A Stone Chapter 15 - Shaky Limbs Sturdy Branches, a harry potter fanfic

A/N: Hey guys! Thank you to everyone that is reading/following this story! I just wanted to give everyone a heads up that I just started a new job (which is great for paying rent, but sadly means that I will have less time for writing). But that just means the updates are probably going to take a little longer than before- especially with how long these chapters have been turning out to be. So, thank you in advance for being patient with me!

Warning(s): violence, descriptions of illness and injuries/blood, mentions of child neglect/abuse, discussion of suicide* (*not a major theme, but it is mentioned a little)

Chapter 15 - Shaky Limbs and Sturdy Branches

Harry had decided that he was done. He was done feeling pathetic and helpless. He was even done feeling angry. In truth, he was absolutely exhausted from all of the damn feeling he'd been doing for the past week. He just couldn't muster up the energy for it anymore.

After the Snape incident, and the following rant/discussion, it was officially decided to reimplement protocol 'two/three-five, good buddy', so that no one was caught out alone again. Beyond the general safety measure, the guys were also now wanting to keep a closer eye on Harry. And it wasn't just because they were worried about him being attacked again- it was because they were worried about what he might do. While before the fear had been that Harry might get himself killed throwing around You-Know-Who's name like he did, now it was that he was going to snap and do or say something so much worse. They really understood just how personal of an issue the war was for Harry and how deep that wound ran.

There had been a lot of theories and rumors around the school about just how Harry had come to tumble out of the forest one day- a spell gone very wrong, some crazy accidental magic, or that he was actually secretly a forest nymph that had just gotten bored and decided to try out life in the castle for a while. But one of the theories had been that Harry was on the run- from the government or Death Eaters or his own family, you can take your pick of the rumors- and had just stumbled upon Hogwarts and decided to hide here for a while. And, unfortunately, it seemed to his friends that that last one just might be shaping up to be the closest to the truth. Because it was odd that no one seemed to be looking for him and that he seemed in no rush to get back home- wherever that may be. It was odd that no one recognized him- wizarding Britain was big, but not that big- and Harry did seem decidedly British. He'd never once mentioned anything to indicate that he'd spent any time abroad or anything. And he was clearly well educated, but growing up with muggles how he'd described it, it wasn't very likely that he was homeschooled. Harry had mentioned that he'd been reintroduced to the wizarding world when he was eleven, but that still left five years unaccounted for and he clearly hadn't been at Hogwarts. But someone had taught him magic- and quite advanced defensive magic at that. And for all of the awful treatment that they were sure he must have suffered through with his relatives, the muggles couldn't have been the ones to use the Cruciatus curse on Harry. So that particular nightmare must be sourced from somewhere in those missing five years. It all just came together to paint a rather unpleasant picture. And the picture wasn't even complete yet.

And now it seemed that Snape had gone and poked the bear, so to say. And Bambi didn't seem like he was about to stand down. Perhaps the most unsettling part was that Harry had seemed rather- happy- since the incident. It was kind of mind boggling to witness his mood swings. Though, the guys also couldn't be too surprised. Harry had kept everything so tightly bottled up and hidden away since they'd met him and now it was like he was finally opening up. They just hadn't realized that 'opening up' for Harry would be like opening Pandora's box. Now, they were left to pray that that metaphor would play all the way out, letting Harry release all of the darkness he was carrying around until all that was left within him was hope.

While Harry hated to admit it, he was feeling decidedly better- lighter- for having let so much stuff out the previous week. Harry was no stranger to secrets, but since he had arrived in the past, they seemed to have just been piling up- crushing him. And while he still needed to keep a few of them, he'd finally been able to off load enough between his discussions with Madam Pomfrey and his friends that he could actually breathe again. And it felt nice. He hadn't realized just how oxygen starved his brain had been until the crushing weight on his chest he hadn't even realized was there had suddenly been released. He was almost dizzy with relief. So, Harry decided that he was done carrying all of that shit around. His arms were tired and his back hurt from the effort. Now, he was not so naïve or delusional as to think that he had actually properly dealt with everything, but he felt like he'd taken a big step in the right direction and Harry just wanted to embrace and celebrate the victory.

Wednesday morning, the girls were very happy to see that Harry seemed to have finally shaken his dark mood. Haleigh and Gretta had seen Harry tear through the common room the previous night and basically rip Sirius' arm off as he dragged the other boy up the stairs to the boys' dormitory with a concerned James and Peter following close behind. So, needless to say, they had been rather worried, as had Lily and Milli when they heard too. But all seemed well now, if maybe a little tense. They just hoped that the guys had actually worked it out- whatever had been wrong- and that they weren't just ignoring it or something along the lines of 'typical guy' unhealthy coping mechanisms.

In Charms, they were working on the Ironing charm which turned out to be much more hazardous than one might expect. Harry suspected that that was mostly due to the fact that the vast majority of wizards had never actually ironed something before- or potentially even seen a real iron. Soon after the class was set to practice, the classroom was permeated with the smell of burning linens. While Harry and Lily were technically working together, the pair of them ended up spending more time preventing their classmates from catching their own work on fire than they did practicing the spell for themselves. As the only two out of the group of Gryffindors that had grown up in fully muggle homes, they were the only ones who understood how an iron even worked- though Lily admitted that she'd never actually done it before since her mum always did the ironing. So, Harry was forced to give an impromptu mini lecture on proper ironing technique and the general concept of how an iron functioned as the heat and steam and weight of the iron were all important aspects that were imitated by the spell that they were supposed to be learning.

"Is there anything you don't know a ridiculous amount about?" Gretta asked Harry with teasing incredulity as he finished up his explanation for them.

"There are plenty of things I don't know shit about," Harry told her. "Potions, for one- which I think you lot know by now. This just completes the trifecta of things I just probably know too much about- Defense, quidditch, and household chores. So, prepare to be unimpressed from here on out," he warned.

It didn't take long for Harry to master the spell, so he spent most of the lesson assisting the others. But honestly, being around so many people fucking up the ironing was giving Harry really bad anxiety, so he had a very vested interest in helping his friends perform the spell correctly as quickly as possible. He had once burned one of his uncle's work shirts which then led to one of the few times his aunt Petunia had actually taken a swing at him with something. And while Harry had been fast enough to dodge the blow, the steam from the iron had still burnt his neck and face, so it was not exactly one of his fonder memories.

So, basically the entire class period Harry's teeth were on edge. And while it wasn't odd for Harry to be offering his help around, there was something decidedly off about the slightly stern and desperate way he was going about correcting people. It spoke to something else going on- to something more than just their spellwork being not quite right.

When Harry actually grabbed Sirius' arm to stop the enthusiastic boy's overzealous spell from burning a whole in his practice shirt, shouting, "No!" Lily decided it was time to intervene.

Laying her own gentle hand on Harry's outstretched arm, Lily said, "Harry, why don't we take a walk?" Harry's brow furrowed at the unexpected and slightly inappropriate request, seeing as how they were in the middle of a lesson. "Flitwick won't mind," she assured Harry, sensing his hesitancy.

"Okay…" Harry agreed cagily, with a confused look, his grip slipping off of Sirius' arm as he turned towards Lily.

Lily led him away from the others, pausing just long enough to make eye contact with Flitwick, motion between her and Harry, then nod at the door and receive a nod of acknowledgement and consent from the professor before towing Harry out of the room. While it was not usually his policy to allow students to leave class without a proper explanation, Lily and Harry were some of Flitwick's best students and they had never caused him any trouble. Even though Flitwick may have not actually known Harry for all that long, he trusted Lily enough for the both of them and knew that she would not abuse the freedom he granted her.

Out in the corridor, Lily finally released her hold on Harry's arm as she started walking casually down the hallway. Not really sure what was going on, but with little else to do, Harry quickly fell into step beside her. They walked together in silence for almost a full minute before Lily spoke.

"What's wrong?" She asked. She spoke at a normal volume, but in the deserted halls her question seemed to echo ominously.

"Nothing," he said softly, trying to balance out the volume on the other end of the spectrum.

Lily gave a most unladylike snort at that. "You know, for someone who claims to not be a liar, you sure do push that load of rubbish quite often." Then, in a very bad imitation of a sullen teenage boy, she said, "'Nothing's wrong,' 'I'm fine', 'it's okay.'"

Anger flashed inside of Harry at her words, momentarily burning everything else away. "I don't sound like that," Harry snapped.

Lily rolled her eyes. "Well, maybe I didn't get the voice quite right, but those are your words," she held firm. After a moment's pause, her voice was considerably softer when she said, "I know this past week has been hard on you, and you are more than allowed to have bad days- we all do- but you just about bit Sirius' head off in there and, for once, he wasn't actually doing anything wrong. And I know you're not the type to lash out about nothing. So, what's wrong?" She stopped walking in order to turn and fully face Harry, not wanting him to try and get out of answering properly again.

Harry met Lily's eyes for a second before his gaze fell to the floor. He brought a hand up to run nervously through his hair. Looking off to the side somewhere Harry told her, "That's just it- I know I've been- off- for the past few days, but I was finally getting over it. It was a good morning. Nothing is wrong," he insisted.

"Then why do you look like you're about to throw up?" Lily pressed, raising an eyebrow at Harry.

"Please don't say that," Harry said, a touch desperately, as a little more color seemed to drain out of his face. He'd always had a bit of a touchy stomach, particularly in regard to his anxiety, and having it called out like that made the feeling that much harder to ignore.

"Sorry," Lily apologized quickly- she really hadn't meant to upset him with the comment. "Are you feeling ill?" She asked with new concern. That honestly hadn't occurred to Lily as the potential underlying problem. But Harry shook his head.

Sensing the real potential of being dragged off to the hospital wing once again, Harry tried to articulate himself in the hopes of avoiding such a fate. "It's nothing like that. It's just- I guess, the lesson was just making me a little anxious. And I didn't handle it very well," he said, feeling a bit ashamed and making a mental note to apologize to Sirius (and probably the others too) later.

"Charms made you anxious?" Lily clarified, a little shocked to be hearing such a statement from Harry of all people. He was just about the only person in the castle- besides Flitwick- who could go toe-to-toe with her enthusiasm for the subject.

Harry shook his head again. "No. It's not- It's stupid, really…" Harry trailed off, refusing to look at Lily once again.

Lily's brain was scrambling to catch up and work out what Harry was steadfastly refusing to just say. "It was the spell? That's what was bothering you?"

"It was watching everyone mess it all up," he finally clarified. "My aunt just used to yell at me a lot when I mucked up the ironing and I guess it became a little pavlovian to be a little nervous about it, but then it wasn't actually me that was mucking it up and I couldn't fix it and-"

Without thinking, Lily took one step forwards and wrapped her arms around Harry in a gentle hug. Harry froze as Lily cut him off with a muttered, "Whoa- Hey- It's okay." She could feel just how tense Harry was and she rubbed a soothing hand over his back in an effort to try and make him relax. And after another minute, he finally did a little. They just stood like that for a while- Lily not really sure what else to do, Harry, wildly embarrassed, but at the same time savoring every second of the contact.

After taking one last steadying breath, Harry finally took a little step back, disentangling himself from Lily's warm arms. He gave a small cough to clear his throat and said sheepishly, "Uh- Thanks," flicking his eyes up to Lily and then quickly away again.

"Anytime," she smiled warmly before gently grabbing Harry's wrist and tugging him forwards as she began to walk again.

"Uh- Where are you going? Shouldn't we be heading back to class?" Harry asked, throwing a look over his shoulder confusedly back at the way they'd come. He had once again managed to be gone for far too long from class and Harry really didn't want that to become a thing- and he definitely didn't want to upset or disappoint Professor Flitwick.

"We're heading back to the tower where you are going to relax and quit worrying about everything for half a second," Lily stated. When she saw Harry open his mouth to argue, she added more gently, "There's still an hour left in class and there's really no point in torturing yourself like that."

"But I can't just skip class! And my stuff is all back in the classroom," Harry argued.

"Flitwick will understand. Plus, you've already proven that you can perform the spell, so there wouldn't be much else for you to do. And we can grab your stuff for you," Lily calmly explained as they climbed the stairs, fighting Harry's desperation with calm logic.

Harry fell silent and remained that way until they reached the Fat Lady. Lily gave her the password and the pair climbed through the portrait hole. Once inside of the deserted common room, Lily put her hands on her hips and said firmly, "Now, go take a nap or play with your owl or something. No schoolwork or anything like that," she threatened with a pointed finger.

Harry couldn't help but smile at the ludicrous situation of his young mum sternly telling him not to do his homework but to go and play instead. It simultaneously made his chest warm and his heart hurt. "Yes, ma'am," he teased and then turned and headed up the stairs to the boys' dormitory.

Lily watched Harry until he fully disappeared up the stairs. There were so many emotions warring inside of her. She was relieved that Harry had actually been as agreeable as he was to her not-so-optional suggestion. And she was happy that he might actually abide by her orders and rest. But at the same time, her heart ached at the image of Harry borderline freaking out about the Ironing spell. Well, not actually about the Ironing spell, she reminded herself. He had panicked over the idea of someone messing up the ironing, which was so much sadder and more concerning. Lily may have been a little tardy to the party compared to the guys, but she was beginning to realize that Harry's past wasn't just dark and mysterious- it was a goddamn minefield.

She mulled this all over as she headed back down to Charms. Lingering in front of the classroom door, Lily took a deep breath and did her best to wipe off the conflicting emotions off of her face and draw up an easy smile instead, not wanting to make the situation any worse for Harry by getting people all riled up with her visible concern. Lily pushed the door open and made her way calmly over to Professor Flitwick, who was observing a pair of Ravenclaws near the front of the class. She did not miss the questioning and wary glances thrown her way by her friends, but she chose to ignore them in favor of the task at hand.

Seeing her approach, Flitwick broke away from the Ravenclaw girls and stepped to the side to speak with Lily. His brow also furrowed when he noted she had returned sans Harry. "Ms. Evans- what has happened to Mr. Doe?" He asked pleasantly.

"Harry wasn't feeling very well, sir. So I took him back to the dorms to have a rest- I hope that's okay," Lily explained.

"Of course," Fliwick assured her. "Ought I to notify Madam Pomfrey and have her check in on him?"

Lily shook her head. "I don't think that's necessary, sir. Today's lesson just triggered his anxiety, so I think he's just a bit tired. But I worried that making him come back would just make things worse and I really didn't want him having another panic attack or something." Lily had, correctly, assumed that all of the professors knew about the incident in Herbology from the beginning of term.

Flitwick nodded his head seriously. "Of course. Thank you for letting me know. You can assure him that he'll still get full marks for the lesson- I spied him not only performing the spell, but helping a few others to do so too. And five points to you for being a good and attentive prefect and friend," Flitwick smiled. Lily flushed a little at that- she hadn't exactly done it for the points or the compliments, but it was nice to receive them all the same.

Thanking her professor one last time, Lily turned around and braced herself as she headed back over to rejoin the rest of the Gryffindors.

"What did you do to Harry?" James asked, deadpan.

Lily rolled her eyes. "How long have you been waiting to use that one?" She scoffed.

"Ages!" James said, letting out a dramatic breath of relief as if he'd been busting to say it. "But really- is Harry okay?" He asked, turning serious.

"Yes," Lily tried to assure them. "He was just having some bad anxiety so I made him go lay down."

"You sent him to bed?" Sirius laughed, causing Lily to narrow her eyes at him.

"I sent him to go relax instead of dragging his arse back here to have a panic attack," Lily hissed, effectively sobering Sirius up.

"Did he tell you what caused it?" Remus asked in a low voice.

While Lily didn't like talking about about people behind their backs- particularly about something that she knew that they wouldn't want her talking about- she also had a feeling that the information would be more than safe with this group and that it would probably be a good thing for them all to know about, and keep an eye on, Harry's triggers.

"It was the ironing. Well, more specifically, it was everyone screwing up the ironing. He said that his aunt used to get really mad at him when he 'mucked up the ironing', so the activity in general just kind of makes him nervous. But I think what really pushed him over the edge was the fact that basically everyone in the room was botching the spell at the same time. He felt like he needed to fix it all, but he couldn't. But that didn't stop him from trying. That's why he snapped at you like that, Sirius- he just didn't want to see you make a mistake and- I don't know? Get in trouble?" Lily guessed.

While not one of the gathered Gryffindors looked happy as Lily spoke, she noted the distinctly murderous expressions on the boys' faces.

"How much you wanna bet one of those scars is from an iron?" Sirius whispered darkly in James' ear, knowing Remus would probably be able to hear him too.

"What?!" Milli growled. Apparently, Sirius had said that a little louder than he'd meant to. He gulped. "What did you just say?" Milli bit out every word in a dangerously low voice. The other girls hadn't heard Sirius at all, but were now very eager to have that same answer for themselves.

"I-" Sirius squeaked, but he seemed unable to form proper words under the intense scrutiny he was receiving. James looked a little panicked.

With a small sigh, Remus stepped forwards, closing the gap between them and the girls and causing the others to lean in. Someone just needed to say it and clearly the other two were not up to the task. "You guys haven't seen Harry without his shirt on. He's kind of… covered in scars. And not just the ones from this year," Remus said in his calm, mediator voice. "The one on his forehead looks pretty tame compared to most of the rest of them. But he's never told us where any of the old ones were from. Well, I guess, aside from that one on his forehead," Remus amended, though more to himself.

"How'd he get that one?" Gretta asked boldly, though in a frightened voice as if she wasn't sure that she actually wanted to know the answer.

Remus paused, turning back to face James and Sirius and the three boys had a silent conversation that went something like:

Remus: Should I tell them?

Sirius: Harry just might lose his shit if you do.

James: They'll just assume the worst if we don't tell them at this point.

Sirius: Their version of 'the worst' might actually be better than the truth.

Remus: They might be able to help if they know.

Sirius: …

James: I don't know about you guys, but I'm definitely out of my depth on this one… Maybe we should tell them? What's the worst that could happen?

Sirius: Harry loses his shit.

James: Harry's already lost his shit. At least this way there'd be more people there to help him find it and put it back together again.

Sirius: Fine.

Turning back around, Remus' face was carefully calm once again. Only the pinched look around his eyes betraying how hard this was for him. "Last weekend, Harry told us that he got that scar the night his parents died, when he was a baby. After that, he went to live with his aunt and uncle- muggles who really did not like magic, and by extension, did not like Harry. While he didn't get into any specifics about his time with them, we all got the distinct impression that they were- not very nice people. He literally begged us not to tell anyone about his 'relatives' because he was afraid someone would try to track them down and send him back to them, so you can't tell anyone," Remus finished in a harsher tone than any of the girls had ever heard him use before. They all nodded quickly in agreement. "So, you can understand now why he's been a bit moody lately. This whole year has been hard on him, but I think he just finally reached a breaking point with some things. And while he's working through it, a lot of bad memories are getting stirred up in the process."

"So you don't think his aunt just 'yelled' at him about the ironing." It wasn't a question the way Lily said it.

"We don't actually know anything," Remus reminded them, "but I think it's fair to say that none of us would be surprised to find out it went a lot further than harsh words," he admitted. "I mean- you guys have seen the way he acts. It would kind of explain a lot…"

As Remus finished speaking, a heavy silence fell over their group as the guys tried to contain their anger and the girls tried to process everything they'd just heard. After a few more minutes, Flitwick came over and gently reminded them that they ought to be practicing the assigned spell.

After Charms let out, they all headed back up to Gryffindor tower to check on Harry before going down to lunch. Everyone was a little uncertain about what to expect when they arrived. Unsurprisingly, Harry wasn't down in the common room, so the girls hung back while the guys headed up to the dorms to check on him. Upon entering the room, they found Harry curled up on his bed, quietly sleeping. Pyrrhus was also curled up, tucked underneath Harry's chin, his feathers puffing up ever so slightly with each of his slow, deep breaths. They looked rather precious.

"Who wants the honors today?" Remus asked.

"We really should just set up a rotation- it's only fair," James pointed out.

"Actually- I have an idea that I think might save us all a little pain," Sirius said. "Moony- watch the door."

Remus did as he was told, keeping one eye on the closed door and the other on his friend and his mysterious plan. Sirius then shifted into Padfoot and loped up to the edge of the bed. He put his front legs up on the mattress and stuck his face right next to Harry's, nuzzling the sleeping boy with his cold nose.

Harry stirred and groaned, "Gross! Shove off, Sirius," as he attempted to roll away from Padfoot, but the dog was not so easily deterred. He went so far as to lick Harry in the ear which got the boy to jerk up, shouting, "Gah! You know I hate it when you do that!" Harry rubbed annoyedly at his ear before bothering to fully open his eyes. When he did, he jumped back a little. His foggy brain took a moment to catch back up to speed. The past. Not my Padfoot. Gah! Still gross though, his thoughts raced. As Harry pulled himself together, Pyrrhus expressed his displeasure at being awoken from his lovely nap, hopping over and giving Padfoot a couple of angry pecks before flying off to find someplace else to sleep. "Is it- uh- time for lunch?" Harry asked as he slid his glasses back on.

"Yeah," James said as Sirius got down and shifted back into his human self. "Are you feeling any better?"

"Uh, yeah," Harry said as he scooted off of the bed. "Did- Did Lily tell you what happened?" Harry asked, decidedly not looking at his friends.

"Yeah, she did," James admitted with a small, sympathetic smile.

"But it's okay, Bambi. You know- you could've just told us too," Sirius pointed out.

"I know," Harry offered up a tiny smile. "But I don't think I even realized what was happening until Lily pulled me out and made me take a step back. It was stupid and you just don't expect something so stupid to have that much power over you, you know? But I'm sorry about how I was acting…"

Sirius shook his head. "You don't need to apologize and it wasn't stupid. I'm sorry, mate, but it turns out you are human- just like the rest of us," he said, throwing an arm around Harry.

Harry shrugged him off, but thankfully not in a flinching kind of way. He turned to grab his robes. "Did you grab my bag?"

"Yeah- it's over by your desk," Remus told him.

"Thanks."

After a quick lunch, the Gryffindors all head off to Defense Against the Dark Arts class together. As they entered the room, Harry was a little relieved to be met with just the normal level of hostility from the Slytherins. Based on the lack of truly murderous looks being thrown his way, Harry greatly suspected that Snape hadn't told his housemates about their little 'conversation'.

Fortin was actually waiting for them in the classroom that day, so once everyone had filed in, she told them all, "Keep your bags- we will not be having class in here today. Follow me." And with that, she strode right past them and out the doors. Neither the Slytherins nor the Gryffindors were eager to turn their backs on one another, so they ended up forming two quasi-lines behind the professor as she set a brisk pace down the corridor. She ended up leading them down the main stairs and into the Great Hall. The hall looked just as it had a few minutes ago when they had left it. There was an air of confusion as Fortin walked straight down the center aisle and climbed up the handful of steps to the slightly raised section where the staff table sat.

She turned sharply around, her cloak snapping with the motion. "For today's activity, we needed a bit more space, so the Headmaster graciously agreed to allow us use of the Great Hall. Bearing that in mind, you all will be careful to leave this space exactly as you have found it. Or else you can explain to the rest of the student body why there is no dinner served tonight," Fortin warned. "Now, today's activity is one to test your teamwork, strategic thinking, and creativity. We will be playing Capture the Flag. While I normally do not promote house divisions, for simplicity's and safety's sake, we will be playing with Slytherin as one team and Gryffindor as the other." The professor knew that while it might be good in theory to force the students to work with those from other houses, this was one of her most volatile classes and all of the main goals of the exercise would likely get lost to infighting within the teams if she forced the issue. "The goal of the game, as the name would imply, is to gain custody of the opposing team's flag." She waved her wand and conjured two pennant flags- one in Gryffindor red and the other in Slytherin green. "The room will be divided in two down the centerline, giving each team a 'side'. Your team's flag must be clearly displayed somewhere in your territory, and it cannot be affixed to any surface with something that could not be easily overcome by pulling on it. You will have fifteen minutes to strategize and place your flags. Once that time is up, the game will officially commence, at which point, you will only be able to use 1st year spells."

There was a bit of outcry at that declaration. Someone behind Harry muttered, "What good will that tosh do us?"

Fortin glared at them until silence settled back over the students. "Violation of this rule will result in your wand being taken away for ten minutes for the first infraction, twenty for the second, and so on." The professor turned towards the Gryffindors specifically and said, "Mr. Doe- I know that you did not attend Hogwarts for your 1st year, but I expect you to use your best judgment to abide by the spirit of the rule. You will be held to the same standards as the rest- ignorance will not be a valid excuse." Well, that didn't seem super fair, but such is life, Harry supposed. He just hoped that the curriculum was all too different from that of his own 1st year. He couldn't imagine that it really could be- it was essentially the most basic of all basic spells. "Lastly, there are both offensive and defensive elements to this exercise and how your team decides to approach it is up to you. When a player from the opposing team is in your territory, you may tag them, at which point you have the choice to either send them to 'jail' where they are out of the game until released and will come join me on the sidelines or you can opt to just send them back to their side and instead release one of your own team members from 'jail'. The game ends when one team successfully brings the other team's flag back into their own territory. Any questions?"

When there weren't any, Fortin erected an opaque barrier between the two sides of the room, startling many of the students standing not even a meter away from the sudden wall. "From the stairs to the main door is all in bounds. Your fifteen minutes start now!" She declared as the flags were banished to their respective sides.

Sirius snatched the Gryffindor pennant out of the air as it zoomed by, grinning. "Where should we put it?" He asked, eyes quickly sweeping around the room, taking in all of the possibilities.

"We should find somewhere hard to get to…" Peter said.

"Like the ceiling?" James smirked, quite satisfied with the mental image he'd conjured up of the Slytherins staring helplessly up at the flag that taunted them from above.

"That's stupid," Lily dismissed.

"Why? It's not like they could just summon it down or something- they'd actually have to climb up there and get it. I think it's actually rather brilliant," James said self assuredly.

"No, but they could just throw something to knock it down and ruin your 'brilliant plan' without even needing to use magic," Milli pointed out.

"Or they could levitate themselves up to it- that is a first year spell," Gretta added.

"You can't levitate yourself," Harry said distractedly. His mind was whirring through other options and strategies, but his inner Hermione seemed to have kicked in with the need to automatically correct the erroneous statement- even though it didn't affect him and he wasn't really involved in the conversation.

"What?" Gretta asked at Harry's unexpected interjection.

"Technically, you can't levitate yourself. They would have to levitate one another," Harry semi clarified.

"Sure you can- it might be a bit awkward to point your want at yourself and get the motion right, but you can definitely cast spells on yourself," Sirius insisted.

"There are plenty of spells that you can cast on yourself, but a Levitating charm is just not one of them. The mechanics of it don't work out. The spell requires the caster to be grounded- since the magic is forcing one thing up, it is also necessarily forcing another thing down. Namely, the caster. But since you are usually standing on the ground when you cast, you don't really notice because the ground basically absorbs the extra weight and force from the spell. So, you can't use the spell on yourself because you'd essentially be pushing up and down on yourself at the same time, so nothing would actually happen," Harry explained.

"How the hell do you know that?" Sirius asked, partially impressed by the explanation and partially horrified by how terribly nerdy it had sounded.

"Just because no one bothers to teach physics around here doesn't mean that Newton's laws don't still apply," Harry rolled his eyes. Because really, this was stuff taught in primary school in the muggle world.

"Not that I don't love a good debate about magical theory and muggle physics as much as the next girl, but do you think we could get back to the task at hand here people? Time is ticking!" Milli said exasperatedly.

"Sorry," Harry flushed, but he quickly recovered and hopped back on his previous train of thought before his inner Hermione had derailed him. "When did you guys learn 'finite'?" He asked.

"Third year," Lily readily supplied.

"Perfect," Harry grinned. "I think I have an idea that will really piss the Slytherins off."

James and Sirius got excited by the gleam they saw in Harry's eye. They all watched as Harry grabbed the flag and then turned around to rummage in his bag for a second, producing a scrap of parchment. He then set both side-by-side on the table behind them. With a few muttered words and a tap of his wand, Harry stepped back to reveal to the others two nearly identical pennants sitting atop the table.

"We won't even have to defend the flag if they can't tell which one it really is."

Sirius laughed, "I love the way your mind works, Bambi."

So they all set to work, finding stuff that could be sacrificed to the transfiguration effort, actually doing the spellwork, and then placing the copious number of flags around their side of the hall. They even all took off their socks to transfigure when they ran out of loose items in their bags. In the end, they'd made nearly a hundred duplicate flags and their side of the hall was now bathed in red as if Gryffindor had just won the House Cup.

While they worked, they discussed strategy for the game itself. While they couldn't make a fully fleshed out plan until they saw what the Slytherins had decided to do with their own flag, the Gryffindors at least divided up into a set offense and defense and made a general plan of attack. They also tried to list as many 1st year spells as they could think of for Harry and tried to come up with some creative and potentially handy uses for such simple spells in a situation like this. It was definitely not an easy task, so it was helpful to have so many heads put together working on it.

Fortin gave them a five minute warning and then a one minute warning before canceling the barrier and officially commencing the game. For a moment, nobody moved- both teams just stood staring at the opposite side's bold choices. The Slytherins were briefly overwhelmed by the sheer number of flags that they were looking at and honestly a little shocked by the very un-Gryffindor-like tactic to use trickery and misdirection rather than a more head on approach. And Harry knew that that was probably what was going to upset them the most about their chosen strategy, which was a large part of the reason that he had suggested it- he wanted their little close-minded brains to short circuit.

On the other side of the room, the Gryffindors were mostly staring at the fire. The Slytherins had opted to hang their flag in the far corner of the hall over by the doors. It made sense as it was the most easily defendable position with thick stone walls on two of the four sides. But clearly that was not good enough for they then proceeded to conjure up a semicircle of tall flames that stretched from wall to wall around the flag- and they hadn't stopped there. They had essentially turned their entire side of the room into some kind of deathtrap obstacle course- like something out of a spy movie or an army boot camp. Beyond the flames were layers of other protections like fencing, overturned benches, and even a freaking moat. And Harry, for one, was not super eager to find out what might be lurking under the surface of that water. He was even pretty sure he could see a bit of barbed wire poking out in some places here and there. In truth, it was kind of impressive how much magic the Slytherins had managed to do in just fifteen minutes, but that also meant that the Gryffindors were going to have a very rough go of it- especially without being able to use any helpful spells themselves.

Just before the barrier had dropped, the Gryffindor defense had spread out around their area in case the Slytherins tried to make a fast break while the offense had gathered up near the center, waiting to see what they were up against. But upon seeing what the Slytherins had actually done, Harry knew that they needed to change their plan.

"I think a few more people need to switch over to defense," Harry said quietly to the others. "It's going to take us a while to get through that mess and I think we're gonna be better off with most people trying to knock out as many of the Slytherins as possible in the meantime and preventing them from getting too many of the decoy flags."

The others nodded. It was clear that the Slytherins were pretty confident in their defenses and the way that they were set up didn't really allow for someone to give chase as the home team would find themselves at an equal disadvantage to their opponents due to the obstacles. They had placed a couple of people within the layers of protection patrolling for anyone who might make it that far, but beyond that it looked like everyone else was planning to be on offense. Harry suspected that the only reason they hadn't all taken off quite yet was due to the unexpectedness of the Gryffindors' strategy. The Slytherins were all huddled up, presumably coming up with a new plan of attack.

So it was quickly decided that James and Haleigh would hang back and help out the defense leaving Harry, Lily, and Sirius to form a little strike team to go after the flag. While they looked like quite the odd group and many may wonder why Sirius of all people was chosen for a mission that would require a certain amount of caution and precision, it really came down to what Fortin had said was the core of this exercise- creativity. Harry was strategic enough for all three of them (not that Lily couldn't hold her own in that area or that Sirius wasn't capable of coming up with a good plan- one just needed to glance in James' 'diary' in order to disprove that notion), but you can't lend somebody creative thinking like you can instruct them on how to carry out a plan. Some things just can't be bought. So, while Sirius was a bit of a wildcard, he was also quick on his feet- both literally and figuratively- and just crazy enough to not need magic to get out of most situations (and overly relying on magic was a flaw that many witches and wizards were prone to- many of their friends included). And Harry and Lily- having not grown up around magic- were a lot less susceptible to that tendency in general.

So, their trio broke off to size up their task, trusting the others to hold down the fort, so to say. Upon closer inspection, the obstacles were essentially arranged in layers radiating out from where the flag was. Aside from the fire whose flames rose high enough to see from across the room, it was difficult to tell exactly what awaited them due to the first few obstacles obstructing most of their view. The Slyterins had flipped all of the benches over, placed them end to end, and strung what appeared to be barbed wire across between the legs of the overturned furniture creating a sort of barricade. Just behind that front line, the tables themselves had received a similar treatment where they were all turned on their sides, forming basically a wooden wall which was blocking their view of the rest.

"Reckon we could just levitate you over all of it?" Sirius asked hopefully, glance over at Harry.

"Not really," Harry burst his bubble. "Not only is it really hard to levitate a whole person- even a small one," Harry added, seeing the look in Sirius' eye as the other boy opened his mouth to undoubtedly make some comment about Harry's size, "but it also becomes progressively more difficult to maintain the spell the further away the object gets. And while I do want to win, I'm not sure I'm ready to risk being dropped on some barbed wire or into a campfire in order to secure our victory."

Sirius made a pouty face, but didn't push the idea any further.

"So, we'll just have to go through then," Lily said matter-of-factly.

"I'm afraid so," Harry agreed, looking at Sirius with an apologetic expression. "But I think with enough Softening charms, we should just be able to climb right over the barbed wire," he added cheerfully.

"And we can probably just climb over the tables- though, there very well might be a nasty surprise or two just waiting for us to drop down onto on the other side," Lily said, wrinkling her nose in distaste.

"And we need to not forget about the three missing Slytherins," Harry said, casting a wary glance around. Mulciber, Knotting, and Rosamund were all unaccounted for in the group that was currently strategizing about how to deal with the Gryffindor flag(s) situation.

"Why don't we just knock 'em over then?" Sirius suggested. "That way we won't land in whatever trap they are sure to set and it'll give us someplace relatively safe to stand while we size up the rest of whatever they have going on over there."

"That's actually a really good idea," Lily said, mildly impressed. "If all three of us cast at the same time, even a simple Knockback jinx could probably get the job done."

"Always the tone of surprise, Evans," Sirius rolled his eyes. "This handsome head has more than just great hair, you know," he said, shaking his shaggy mane sultrily.

Choosing to ignore Sirius, Harry continued on with the main conversation. "I think we should aim for the middle- just in case something does go wrong, we don't wanna be trapped against one of the walls."

They all agreed and started the task of softening the barbed wire from where they stood- no sense risking being in the Slytherin territory any longer than was absolutely necessary, right? Once they were reasonably confident that they'd done enough to neutralize the threat of the wire, the trio cast one last look around to ensure that there were no Slytherins lurking nearby waiting for them before taking their first hurried steps over into enemy territory.

While the barbed wire was now a spongy texture, it was still rather cumbersome to climb over, so it took them a minute to make their way through the first obstacle. But soon enough, Harry, Lily, and Sirius were gathered in front of the large wall of table. They spaced themselves out evenly along the barrier and on Lily's count, they all cast simultaneously. The table tipped and crashed to the ground with a deafening boom as solid oak met hard stone, drawing everyone's attention in the room momentarily. The Gryffindors seized upon the spit second of distraction to tag a few of the Slytherins in their territory, choosing to have faith that their teammates were handling themselves just fine across the room. And honestly, James, Remus, and Peter were hardly even phased by suspicious loud noises any more after so many years of cohabitating with Sirius, so they were all the fastest to recover and take advantage of the moment.

Sirius quickly hopped up onto the table and Harry was just about to follow suit along with Lily when he spotted a shoe peeking out from underneath the table in front of him. Crouching down instead, Harry cast a lumos and cautiously peered under the table. The next second, he let out a curse and sent red sparks up with his wand- what he'd come to just assume was a universal distress signal among magical folk- and whipped around to make eye contact with Fortin.

"Freeze!" Fortin shouted, her voice echoing around the hall. It was as if she'd cast a Stasis charm on the entire room- the only movement being the professor's purposeful strides towards Harry and the breath of the students as their eyes trained on her progress.

Sirius and Lily were looking at Harry with concern. All they'd seen was him suddenly drop to the ground and curse, followed by the distress signal. But Harry wasn't looking at them, so they were left to wonder what had happened. Fortin was already casting by the time she reached Harry, not needing to ask what was wrong, having spotted the same thing he had upon her approach. She motioned Harry to step aside and soon an unconscious and slightly bloody Knotting was slid out from underneath the newly uprighted table. Lily let out a little gasp at the sight. There was a small streak of blood on the floor where his head had dragged along.

Fortin began to check him over. Harry was honestly worried that he was dead. The boy must have been standing just on the other side of the heavy table as they'd tipped it over and brought the thing down right on top of his head. Something like that could've very easily broken his neck, let alone the head trauma from the table hitting him followed by him hitting the floor. Harry's own head gave a sympathetic throb. He may not like Knotting very much, but Harry was hard pressed to wish that kind of thing on anyone- even a potential future Death Eater in the making. But much to his relief, Harry could tell that the boy was at least still breathing.

Seemingly satisfied with the results of her spells, Fortin then conjured up a stretcher and settled Knotting onto it. She then waved her wand in a large arch around the room and Harry noticed his initials appear at his feet as if someone had just drawn them in chalk.

"Everyone back to their team's side of the room- if you are currently holding a flag, place it next to your initials on the ground." The professor waited for everyone to comply with that order before continuing, "I will be taking Mr. Knotting to the hospital wing. No one is to cross the barrier while I am gone. Prefects- you are in charge of your respective houses and everyone will be held accountable for their housemate's behavior while I am out of the room." And with that, Fortin levitated Knotting in front of her as she made her way towards the doors. Just as she reached them, she paused just long enough to re-erect the opaque barrier between the Gryffindor and Slytherin sides of the room.

As the doors thudded closed behind her, life seemed to suddenly erupt once again in the hall. Everyone seemed to be talking at once and all of it seemed to be directed at Harry, and he just couldn't process any of it.

"What happened?"

"Are you okay?"

"What did he do?"

"What did you do to him?"

"Merlin!"

Harry took a step back from the crowd that was closing in around him and bumped into Sirius, who put an arm around his tense shoulders a little protectively and asked, "You are okay, right?"

"Yeah," Harry told him. "I'm just glad he wasn't dead." That drew everyone in even more.

"What happened?" Gretta asked emphatically.

"He must've been standing just behind the table when it fell and wasn't able to get out of the way- knocked him out cold," Lily said, piecing it together for herself as well.

"Well, that was a stupid place to stand," Sirius said derisively.

"He probably wasn't expecting you lot to go dropping the thing on his head," Remus pointed out.

"We didn't know he was there!" Sirius defended.

"Really, he shouldn't have stood somewhere where he couldn't see us coming," Harry clarified, as that was the root of the problem. While it may not have been intentional on their part, in essence, it had been a surprise ambush attack that Knotting had made himself susceptible to by choosing an ill-advised position. "How are things going over here?" Harry asked, wanting to change the subject.

"Pretty good actually!" James said excitedly. "We've only lost five flags so far and already have three of them in jail. Your table distraction was quite helpful on that front," he smiled.

The Gryffindors all chatted and talked strategy while they waited for their professor to return. Lily and Sirius had gotten a glimpse at the rest of the obstacles between them and the flag, so everyone was helping come up with potential ideas for how to get around them. They had also gotten eyes on the remaining two MIA Slytherins. Apparently, on the other side of the tables was a fence and on the other side of the fence prowled Mulciber. Just behind him was the rather cliché moat, then another barbed wire obstacle, and lastly Rosamund patrolled in front of the fire guarding the flag.

"What are the odds that they were able to come up with a good way of affixing that fence to the floor?" Harry threw out.

"What do you mean?" Peter asked.

"Fence posts are usually buried in the ground so that the fence can hold itself up, but it's not like they can do that in the Great Hall. Or use something like a Permanent Sticking charm because that would break the 'leave the hall as you found it' rule. So I'm almost wondering if that one is more of a mental obstacle rather than an actual physical impediment, you know?"

"You want to just push that over too?" Sirius grinned.

"Why not? Why over complicate things?" Harry shrugged.

"Well, it worked out pretty well for you the first time- but I'm not so sure Mulciber will be as easily taken down by chain link as Knotting was by a half ton of table," James pointed out.

"No, but it will still keep some kind of barrier between us and him. And I'm hoping as three against one we might be able to at least push him back a little," Harry said.

"You should aim for the moat- I doubt that plonker can swim," Milli smirked and Sirius laughed.

"I like the way you think too," he grinned.

"So then we'll just be left with a little fire and barbed wire and two angry Slytherins- one of which may or may not be slightly damp- between us and victory?" Lily summarized.

"Pretty much," Sirius agreed.

"At that point, we're probably just gonna have to divide and conquer," Harry sighed. "One person keeps Mulciber busy, the other distracts Rosamund, while the last one tries to get to the flag." It wasn't much as far as 'plans' go, but in Harry's personal experience, things very rarely went according to plan, so he wasn't all that stressed about it.

It was then that Professor Fortin returned. She entered the room, canceling out the barrier once again, and made her way briskly back up to her spot in front of the staff table. "Mr. Knotting is expected to make a full recovery. Those who wish to visit him may do so after dinner, per Madam Pomfrey." Fortin paused after that to let the students process what she'd said. While she was very no-nonsense in her teaching style, she was not heartless and understood that many of the Slytherins were likely worried about their friend. And if the look in Harry's eyes had been anything to go on, perhaps a few of the Gryffindors may have been relieved at the news as well. While she knew for a fact that the two boys were not friends- let alone friendly with one another- Harry had seemed genuinely concerned about the Slytherin boy's wellbeing. After a moment, she continued, "Now, everyone- return to your marked position."

It took Sirius, Lily, and Harry a few minutes to make their way back over the squishy barbed wire again and to the table. Thankfully Fortin had also cleared away Knotting's blood, Harry noted as he retook his position. He even crouched back down in the spirit of good sportsmanship and authenticity.

Once everyone was settled, Fortin declared, "Begin!" And the game recommenced.

Harry popped back up and joined his friends atop the table where they all eyed the fence and Mulciber warily. The boy glared back at them and then stuck his wand through one of the holes in the chain link and sent a spell towards Harry. Instinctively, Harry threw up a shield to deflect the jet of light and he immediately felt his wand flying out of his hands. Whipping around to see where it had gone, Harry watched as it soared over to Fortin's outstretched, waiting hand.

"Ten minutes, Mr. Doe!" She called out.

Shit- that hadn't been a 1st year spell. Well, there goes his wand for a while.

While Harry had been distracted, Mulciber had sent another spell his way and Harry's attention was pulled back to the situation at hand by the pain in his side as the second spell found its target. Had that been a Cutting curse? There's no way that would've been a first year spell, Harry thought confusedly. Because it had definitely felt a lot like a Cutting curse. No- but a Severing charm repurposed as a weapon would probably feel mighty similar, he reasoned. Apparently the Slytherins could get creative too. Harry made sure to dodge the third spell to come his way.

"Now!" Lily yelled and all three of them jumped down off of the table and charged towards the fence. Thank Merlin their theory was right and it wasn't properly anchored. After a moment of resistance- probably due to a low-grade Sticking charm- they shoved the fence forwards, unseating it. Mulciber was so surprised that he dropped his wand as the chain link slammed into his face. He reeled back, but the Gryffindor trio continued to push forward, forcing Mulciber to stumble and- much to Sirius' delight- splash down into the moat.

"Trap him!" Sirius yelled, tipping his end of the fence forward. Harry just let go of the middle and Lily followed Sirius' lead on her end. The metal clattered against the stone on the far side and Sirius quickly scrambled on top of the downed fence in order to use his weight to pin Mulciber underneath it.

Shockingly, their cockamamie plan seemed to be working as Lily climbed up to join Sirius in keeping Mulciber trapped. Harry doubled back to snatch up Mulciber's dropped wand before coming to stand behind the others looking impressed.

"I gotta give it to you Pads- sometimes crazy works," Harry admitted, having to speak up over Mulciber's splashing and cursing. "Now, just don't manage to get tagged through the fence," he warned, not wanting Sirius to get too cocky.

As the other two cautiously eyed the trapped Slytherin, Harry took a moment to survey the second to last obstacle. The wire on this one was strung up in all directions and sort of reminded Harry of those laser beam security systems you'd see in cheesy heist movies- only these things would shred you instead of triggering some kind of alarm. And unlike in the movies, they were not placed conveniently just far enough apart for the protagonist to be able to carefully weave his way through them with a few impressive limbo moves. It more closely resembled a thicket of brambles that would undoubtedly snare any rabbit who'd dare try and cross it. And Harry had a sinking suspicion he was about to be that rabbit. But hey- at least he now knew that Severing charms were fair play. Maybe he could just cut the wire?

While Harry was thinking on the far side of the moat, Rosamund had not wasted any time in starting to throw her own spells at Lily and Sirius. At first, she'd tried to levitate the fence off of Mulciber, but had abandoned that plan when it had quickly proved impossible from where she was and with two people standing on top of it. Luckily, she didn't really have a clear line of sight for casting due to the all of the wire in front of her, but a few spells were still managing to get through, causing Lily and Sirius to have to dodge every now and then.

"Do you guys think you can help sever some of those wires?" Harry asked. The Softening charm- while effective- had taken a while to cast enough to blunt the extremely hard and pointy wires. Cutting them would just be quicker and easier and time was sort of of the essence.

So, all three of them set to work on the task- though Harry soon realized that he was very incompatible with Mulciber's wand and his spells were barely making a dent, let alone properly severing anything. So he switched to a Softening charm in the hopes that maybe that spell might be more agreeable and just praying it might help even a little. But they soon realized that thinning the barbed wire was a double edged sword because the fewer wires there were, the easier time Harry would have getting through them, but at the same time, it also meant that it was becoming easier and easier for Rosamund to cast at them.

When the Slytherin girl finally nailed Lily with a strong Knockback jinx, Harry called it. "I think I can manage now. You guys should focus on distracting Rosamund and maybe just toss a couple Softening charms my way if you have a second." Lily had righted herself and she and Sirius gave Harry a nod of confirmation. "And we're all still good on the getaway plan?" Harry received another nod. "Good."

Harry climbed up and over the fence, slipping past Sirius, and then jumped down on the less dense side of the tangle of wires, casting Softening charms all the way. While he was confident that he could at least get through it at this point, he was not delusional enough to think that he was going to do so without having to touch a single wire.

With one last steadying breath, Harry stepped over the first wire, ducking down to avoid another one overhead. He made his way slowly through like that, making each of his movements very carefully, his approach very methodical. Thankfully, Sirius and Lily were doing a stellar job of keeping Rosamund occupied, so she hadn't really been able to give Harry any trouble just yet. It was about halfway through the wire maze that Harry found himself properly stuck. He ended up needing to cut another wire which took him quite a few tries, even at the much closer range. Just as he was easing his way over the next jumble, Rosamund finally managed to get off a spell at him and Harry was caught in just the wrong position where he had no hope of dodging it. Luckily, it was just a low-level Knockback jinx, but that still meant that Harry was pushed out of his precarious position and into the mess of wires to his left.

Thankfully, the Softening charms seemed to have worked to some extent, so Harry was not immediately impaled and shredded- though it was still not what he would call an enjoyable experience. And it was at that moment that Harry realized a truly evil element of the Slytherins' design. Unlike back at the blocades, not all of the wires in this second to last obstacle looked exactly the same. Most of them did, but as Harry tried to pull himself free, it clicked just why that was the case- mixed in with the barbed wire was razor wire. Who would've guessed that one could be lured into a false sense of security when it came to climbing through barbed wire? But razor wire was way worse. It cut you more easily and was designed to rip and snag rather than just poke you like its barbed cousin.

Knowing that there was nothing for it, Harry quickly pulled his arm free of the wire, ignoring the bite as the razor teeth slid out. Not wanting to waste anymore time and definitely wanting to get out of this psychotic jungle gym as soon as possible, Harry pushed on once again. The next couple curses that came his way, Harry did manage to dodge- if just barely. Though, one of them he was forced to take, bracing himself by grabbing a hold of a string of barbed wire in front of him so that he wouldn't actually fall backwards as he absorbed the hit.

As the end was now in sight, Harry needed to start thinking about his exit strategy because he was sure to soon have all of Rosamund's attention when he popped out. Harry was running through his very limited list of 1st year spells in his head when he felt something tap him on the shoulder. Wildly confused, Harry turned around to find his own wand floating beside him. Relief flooded through him and he snatched it out of the air. Apparently his ten minute timeout was up. At least now he could do some proper magic, Harry thought as he tucked Mulciber's wand into his back pocket. Now feeling slightly more optimistic, Harry went back to formulating his escape plan because it would really suck to get tagged after making it this far and he really didn't want to have to climb all the way through the damned wire again. It had really been a bugger the first time, so he wasn't eager for there to be a round two- or for one of his friends to have to do it.

Mild inspiration struck as Harry was forced to sever another wire in his way and he watched it snap back and coil up on the floor. The floor that Harry noted was now littered with half attached wires. Knowing that his 'plan' might bite him in arse too, Harry went ahead with it anyway. With a wave of his wand and muttered incantation, he set the pieces of wire to tap dance across the floor. As that spell didn't really allow for specific directions, the wires just kind of danced all over the place, but thankfully some of them ended up meandering their way over towards Rosamund's feet. The girl shrieked as the first wire bit into her ankle as it danced a jig around her feet. She hadn't seen the spell that Harry had cast and so was taken completely off guard. She jumped back, looking down and Lily and Sirius pounced on the opportunity and both cast a volley of Knockback jinxes at the distracted girl, who then fell over from the combined force of the spells.

Seizing the opportunity, Harry launched himself through the last few wires, cast as powerful an Ice jinx as he could manage at the flames in front of him as he hit the ground and tucked and rolled straight through the fire. He hit the wall on the other side and quickly pulled himself to his feet. Thankfully, he seemed to not be on fire from that little stunt- even though it was quite warm inside the tight circle of flames. Knowing that they were on borrowed time now that he was through the last obstacle, Harry turned to grab the flag. It was pretty far up the wall, so he was forced to levitate it down.

Once the flag disappeared below the flames, Sirius let out a loud wolf whistle. Harry pulled his little hacky sack out of his pocket and used a simple Sticking charm to affix the Slytherin flag to it. Harry prayed that the spell would hold as he cast another strong ice charm at the flames in front of him to gain a line of sight before throwing the ball/flag towards Lily, who was standing in front of him on the other side of the obstacles. Thankfully she caught it and then appeared to immediately toss it to Sirius as they both took off running. Everyone who had been over on the Gryffindor side of the room came sprinting over- the Gryffindors took off when they heard Sirius' signal and the Slyterins were quick to follow once they realized what was happening.

Harry just decided to hang back and trust his teammates to finish off the mission without him. He had faith that they could handle it and like he's said earlier- he did not want a round two with those damn wires.

Half of the Gryffindors reached the Slytherin side before any of the additional Slytherins. Just as they were all about to cross the dividing line into enemy territory, they all stopped dead and whirled around, managing to tag all but two of the remaining Slytherins. Snape and Neith were the only two to slip by and make it back to their own side, but once they made it they quickly realized that they had a problem. Lily and Sirius had split up and were both running full pelt- and both of them looked to be carrying a green flag. So, the Slytherins were forced to split up as well, each one taking off after the lion closest to them, hurling 1st year jinxes as they ran. But the Gryffindors were casting their own spells at the Slytherins from the safety of their own side, doing their best to trip them up. As Neith stumbled, Sirius threw his ball/flag over the middle line where Milli easily caught it. At the large cheer that went up from the Gryffindor team, Snape faltered, allowing Lily to follow suit and throw her bundle over as well which James snatched out of the air.

Fortin sounded the buzzer that was typically used when they dueled, signaling the end of the exercise. "Gryffindors win," she stated and a much louder cheer than the first one came from the red side of the room. Fortin then cast a powerful finite incantatem and all of the enchantments and transfigurations in the room faded away. Mulciber came stomping over to join the rest of his house and Pura was kind enough to cast a Drying charm on him. A scowling Rosamund and grinning Harry came into view as the fire and wire mess disappeared. Harry quickly slipped away along the back wall, not wanting to try his luck around the angry Slytherins. As Harry rejoined his friends, Fortin told them, "A very interesting exercise with a wide variety of strategies employed both defensively and offensively. Your homework will be an analysis essay of both teams' strategies, what went well, what went wrong, and how they could have been improved," the professor instructed. "Anyone bruised or bleeding will head to the hospital wing promptly. Class dismissed."

Looking around, Harry saw why Fortin had added the 'bruised or bleeding' clause into her last statement. It looked like there had been a scuffle or two over on the defense side which was kind of impressive given that they had essentially been playing a game of tag with only 1st year spells.

"What happened to you lot?" Sirius asked, clearly thinking along the same lines as Harry.

James answered for everyone, "Milli got knocked into a bench by an unfortunate jinx, Peter tripped and ran into the table, and Avery just decided to punch me when he knew that he was gonna get tagged anyway. And you?" He asked with an eyebrow raised at Harry as he took in the scratches on his face and tattered clothes.

"I was nominated to climb through the barbed wire," Harry said as he looked down at himself. He was wearing two sweaters that day, so there wasn't actually any blood that had managed to seep all the way through in order to be visible quite yet, which Harry was rather happy about.

Seeing that no one was in any imminent danger of dying, the Gryffindors turned and began to gather up all of the random items they had used for the transfigured flags from around the hall, sorting it out and divvying it up as best they could to get people back mostly what they had contributed, but when it came to scraps of parchment, no one was really all that hung up about if they got their scraps back as opposed to someone else's. When it came to the socks, however, people were rather passionate about getting their own ones back. As Harry bent over to pull his own socks back on, his side burned, reminding him that he hadn't just had a run in with the wires.

Once they were all packed up and ready, the 6th year Gryffindors set off together once again for the hospital wing. They dragged their feet a little on the way there just hoping that the Slytherins would have all already been treated and released by the time they got there. They hadn't really had any cleaning up to do- unlike the Gryffindors- besides righting all of the tables and benches which they'd managed to do in less than a minute. And none of them had really been that injured- Rosamund was probably the worst with the cuts from the barbed wire around her ankles which Pomfrey should've been able to take care of in no time. So the Gryffindors were hopeful that they had dawdled long enough to avoid a run in.

They were proven successful when their group entered the hospital wing a few minutes later to find the only Slytherin in attendance was Knotting, who was resting quietly in a bed in the back of the wing. Pomfrey sighed as she saw them approach.

"Figure out the order amongst yourselves and then take a bed," she said warily, gesturing towards the beds by the door.

Everyone looked at Harry, who rolled his eyes, but didn't bother to formally protest. After all, he was bleeding and the others were just bruised, so he couldn't really argue with their logic- but that didn't mean he had to like it. So, he hopped up on the fourth bed down the row. Milli took the bed next to him, followed by Peter, and then lastly James. The others just stood around chatting.

Madam Pomfrey made her way over to them, bruise balm in hand, a few minutes later. She came to stand beside Harry's bed and eyed him critically for a moment before saying, "Are you really going to make me ask?"

Harry sighed, but knew he should just get it over with, so he grabbed the hem of his sweaters and pulled them up and over his head. There were a few gasps as his red stained uniform shirt was revealed.

"Blimey- you said that you 'climbed through' not 'were shredded by' the wire," James called from where he was leaning up against his own assigned bed. Harry glared at him.

"Do I want to know what 'wire' Mr. Potter is referring to?" Pomfrey asked in a resigned voice, knowing she was not going to like the answer.

"The Slytherins seemed to have developed a certain fondness for razor wire and hiding it in the darndest of places," Harry told her with a half smile quirking his lips. "Though, I think most of this is from a Severing charm I caught," Harry added, motioning towards what was by far the largest of the stains which adorned his left side.

"I see," Pomfrey said, unamused, as Harry pulled his shirt off too. There was another, softer round of gasps as the girls saw for the first time just what Remus had been trying to explain to them earlier that very same day. Harry really did have a lot of scars. And not ones that spoke to the usual childhood accidents. No- they were big and ugly and devastating to look at. A few of them had to look away, but Lily couldn't. She could only stare as her eyes grew a little misty thinking about what her friend must have gone through to come out with marks like that. Harry noticed the reactions and flushed as he realized what he'd just done- but there was no taking it back. So he just hunched his shoulders slightly and looked down, avoiding anyone's eyes. He didn't want to know what they thought. He didn't want to see their horror or sadness or pity or anger. None of it would do him- or them- any good.

Sensing the tense air, Pomfrey got to it and made quick work of patching Harry up. The gash on his side hadn't been too deep, so she was able to mend it along with most of the cuts and scrapes from the wires. Where the razor wire had caught his arm was actually the deepest of the wounds. Pomfrey mended them as much as she could, but then had to wrap the arm up and let it finish healing the natural way. Once she had fixed up the scratches on his face, Harry twisted around to bring his feet up onto the bed and rolled up his pant leg as well to reveal another handful of scrapes running down his leg and then going around both ankles, which Pomfrey healed up too. Harry was very relieved to see that nothing had scarred. That was his good leg, after all.

"Is that all?" Pomfrey asked, just to make sure. She was happy that Harry hadn't tried to hide the stuff she couldn't see on his legs, but it also never hurt to trust, but verify.

Harry nodded and Pomfrey moved onto Milli as he quickly spelled his shirt clean and put it back on. Then he went about mending the tears and then doing the same for his sweaters and donning those as well. Once he was fully dressed again, Harry felt a little better. The outer sweater was the one Sirius had given him and Harry allowed himself the small comfort of taking a moment to snuggle down into the warm and cherished garment before straightening up, crossing his arms over his lap, and opening his eyes to watch his friends get treated as well. He was just thankful that nobody was looking at him anymore.

A little while later, the group of Gryffindors made their way down to the Great Hall once again- though this time it was for dinner. Harry, as usual with his shorter legs, had fallen to the back of the group- not that he minded really. He didn't particularly care as long as he didn't have to feel like he was jogging everywhere, as he often did when trying to keep up with people much taller than him. If someone was talking to him, they would just casually drop back and match his pace, which Harry really appreciated- especially since his right leg was still a little stiff most days as the cold winter air didn't really agree with the healing scar tissue there. So Harry was perfectly content to watch his friends' backs bob along in front of him as they all descended the stairs down into the Entrance Hall.

Just as Harry touched down from the last step of the main staircase, someone grabbed his arm in a vice-like grip and yanked him aside. Before he could even process what was happening, Harry found two fists balling up the front of his robes as he was lifted up only to come face-to-face with a very angry looking Mulciber.

"Give it back, Chewtoy, if you know what's good for you," he growed, his warm, unpleasant breath brushing against Harry's face.

Even as his toes scrambled for some semblance of purchase against the ground, Harry couldn't help but scoff internally at just how cliche Mulciber's bullying was. He might as well have come straight out of a muggle after school special.

"Let me go," Harry tried to huff- though it came out more choked as his collar bit uncomfortably into his neck. He lashed out with a foot, but he might as well have been kicking the wall for all of the good it did.

Their little scuffle began to gain some attention in the busy hall, including that of Harry's friends. In an instant, wands were drawn by students all around the struggling pair. The Gryffindors had theirs pointed at Mulciber which in turn prompted some nearby Slytherins to point theirs at the Gryffindors which then resulted in uninvolved students in the area drawing their wands in anticipation of being caught in the crossfire. It was like some kind of Mexican standoff was created by Harry and Mulciber and yet somehow didn't seem to involve them.

"Put him down," called out a stern voice. "And wands away!" It added, addressing the room at large. There was a shuffling heard as most people scrambled to comply- though the immediate Gryffindors and Slytherins merely lowered their wands, but did not fully put them away. "I thought I told you to release him," the voice said in a warning tone and Mulciber finally loosened his grip on Harry enough that he fell back to the floor where Harry took a quick step backwards, rubbing at his neck and looking warily at the hulking boy that was still glaring at him.

"What seems to be the problem here?" Asked a new voice- and one that Harry unfortunately recognised. Finally taking his eyes off of Mulicber, Harry turned to see Auror Monroe making his way purposefully over to their gathered group. He came to a stop next to Auror Pillmur, who Harry assumed was the one to initially break things up. Both aurors looked down at the pair expectantly, clearly waiting for an explanation. A thing that Harry very much didn't have.

"He stole my wand," Mulciber hissed, jabbing a thumb in Harry's direction.

"What? No I didn't!" Of all of the things Harry might have guessed that this was about, that certainly wasn't on the list. But then even as the indigent words were coming out of his mouth, Harry suddenly felt the stick of wood in his back pocket that he had tucked there a few hours prior and then completely forgotten about. Shit.

Monroe turned suspicious eyes on Harry and Harry just knew that this was not going to end well for him. But if he was going down, then he was at least going to have it out with some witnesses around. So Harry just bit the bullet and reached around, grabbing the other boy's wand from his pocket and shoving it at him.

"Here. Take it. And I didn't steal it- you left without it, like an idiot," Harry spat. Everyone- even his own friends- looked shocked that Harry had actually had the other boy's wand. Mulciber growled as he snatched it back.

"And what exactly have you been doing wandering around with another wizard's wand?" Monroe asked pointedly.

"Sitting in the hospital wing, mostly," Harry said heatedly, pulling up his sleeve to show the bandage that was now spotted with a little fresh blood from how hard Mulciber had grabbed him. "Hell- you can check both our wands if you really want to since neither of them have been used since class ended- you'll find nothing but dinky little 1st year spells."

"I would like to, actually," Monroe said, sticking out his hand expectantly. With a glare, Harry handed his wand over, but it only coughed up an Ice jinx and Mulciber's showed a Severing charm. As he took his wand back, Harry couldn't help the smug look that settled on his face. "That neither proves nor disproves anything," Monroe said testily.

"Then why even bother?" Harry muttered.

"Why did you keep the wand?" Monroe snipped back. "If it happened like you say and he simply left class without it- why keep a hold of the wand for a few hours? Why not give it back?"

"Is it really my job to go traipsing around the castle in search of somebody who can't even keep track of their own wand? If I found a wallet would I be subjected to the same questioning for not dropping everything to track down the rightful owner immediately?" Harry asked.

"Perhaps not, but you could have- should have turned it in," Monroe pointed out.

"I forgot I had it," Harry huffed. "He dropped it in the middle of class and I picked it up as part of our Defense exercise. As you know- tactically speaking- two wands are better than one and it's a good idea to do all you can to prevent your opponent from getting their wand back once you disarm them. So I pocketed it and then forgot I had it. And I would've just given it back to Professor Fortin after class if I'd remembered. But like I said- I had to go to the hospital wing, so you could say I had other things on my mind right then. And how do you know that I wasn't coming down here right now on my way to the staff table to turn it in?"

"That'd be pretty convenient," was all Monroe said.

"And what about him?" Harry asked angrily, pointing a finger over at Mulciber. "You can't prove shit that I did wrong, but you all just watched him literally assault me. Even if I had stolen his wand- which I didn't- that would still be a crime!"

"And would you like to press charges?" Pillmur asked calmly. For the first time since he'd grabbed Harry, Mulcibler looked a little uncertain about how things were gonna play out. Apparently, he'd either forgotten about the aurors or that assault was technically a crime.

"Of course not," Harry said dismissively. "I'm just trying to clue you in on your own hypocrisy. You watched me get assaulted and then immediately just assumed that I had done something to deserve it. And then started interrogating me- the victim of the only crime you actually witnessed! In what world does that fit the definition of 'protect and serve'? Or whatever cheesy motto wizarding police are using instead…" Harry tacked on that last bit more to himself, but little did he know that it would be the most impactful thing he said in his entire mini rant. Because that turn of phrase was so muggle and spoke to such an ignorance of wizarding society that it halted Monroe in his tracks.

"I am sorry Mr… Doe, was it?" Pillmur asked, receiving a nod from Harry, "Well, Mr. Doe- I am sorry that this has all gotten so out of hand. And you have made a number of fair points. Perhaps it is best that we turn this matter over to your Heads of House. As you pointed out, Mr. Doe, the only crime we have any evidence of was the assault, so unless Mr…" She looked over at Mulciber expectantly.

"Mulciber," he supplied.

"So unless Mr. Mulciber is looking to officially pursue a theft charge, it is really not our place to get involved any further," she finished with a pointed look at her partner. Pillmur then dismissed them, standing and watching until the students all dispersed and entered the Great Hall.

As they made their way down the Gryffindor table, Sirius clapped Harry on the back and said, "Look at that- Bambi's caught red handed and then cleared of all charges! Wormy- you just might have someone coming for your escape artist title," he teased.

"The charges were bogus," Harry reminded him. "And I wouldn't go celebrating too early- I still have to get through McGonagall's final judgment."

James brushed Harry's worry off. "You don't have to worry about that- Maggie loves you."

"Maggie?" Harry asked, amused.

"Yeah- that's our nickname for McGonagall's animagus form. I'm surprised that hasn't come up yet," James said ponderingly.

"You seem to have a way with the ladies- getting them all on your side," Sirius said suggestively, in a way that made Harry's stomach turn knowing that he was talking about Professor McGonagall and Auror Pillmur.

Trying not to think about that, Harry said, "I'd hardly call Pillmur 'on my side'. She stood there and watched as Monroe went off on me before eventually stepping in after I pointed out that they were not actually doing their jobs."

"Well, at least she didn't pile on?" James tried.

"And all it takes for evil to triumph is for good people to do nothing," Harry said darkly.

In the end, McGonagall did let Harry off the hook. She called him into her office to discuss the 'incidents'- referring both to how Harry had obtained Mulciber's wand in the first place and then the confrontation in the Entrance Hall. Harry did his best to calmly explain exactly what happened- though he couldn't help getting a little heated when he spoke about Auror Monroe. But luckily between Fortin, Pomfrey, and Pillmur, basically every aspect of his version of events was corroborated by a trusted adult and McGonagall agreed that the onerous shouldn't have been entirely on him to give the wand back- particularly when he had gone straight from the class to the infirmary and then to the Great Hall. Mulciber had ended up with a detention for the assault.

For Harry, the only real fall out from what he was now considering 'the Mulciber incident- take two' was that he was officially no longer allowed to walk at the back of their group. And once again, while he was not a fan of the new sweeping declaration, he also couldn't really argue with it given his current track record of two hallway snatchings in just one week. And it was only Wednesday. But much to everyone's relief, the rest of the week finished out with zero more kidnappings or official Harry-related 'incidents'.

In the wee hours of Saturday morning, Harry found himself decidedly awake despite his strong desire to be anything but. Unfortunately, after his awful week of young Voldemort-centric nightmares, rather than his dreams improving and giving Harry a bit of a reprieve, they seemed to have just pivoted. They were now filled with dark, tight spaces crammed with spiders and dust, hot steam and sweltering sun beating down on his neck, and heavy, waddling footsteps and shrill voices that didn't make any sense. These nightmares were a whole new variety and Harry wasn't sure how he felt about them. Instead of leaving Harry gasping or crying out, they left him feeling small and dirty. Like he wanted to both curl up and hide under his covers and run away as far as his legs would carry him. Or take a long, hot shower that he somehow felt like he didn't deserve.

After an hour or so of not knowing what to do with himself as his body sent him all of these conflicting signals, Harry decided that if he was up, he might as well try and be productive, hoping that focusing on a task might help him quiet all of the noise in his brain. So Harry donned his glasses and Sirius' old jumper and he sat himself down in front of his bed. The stone floor was freezing cold beneath him, but Harry just used that to ground himself. He placed both of his hands on either side of himself, palms down against the rough stones, relishing in the feeling that was so quintessentially Hogwarts. Closing his eyes, Harry turned that sensing inwards, and began snooping around in his chest, searching for that secret warmth that was his second heartbeat. But Bambi seemed to have run and hidden somewhere even Harry couldn't find him.

Harry wasn't sure exactly how long he sat there searching in vain for his connection to Bambi, but when he opened his eyes again, he could just see the sun beginning to peek out over the horizon, washing the grounds outside of the window in faint morning light. Seeing that, Harry sighed and gave it up as a bad job. Even when he tried to follow the thoughts that had led him to his animagus form the last time, it didn't seem to do him any good. Picturing Hedwig just made him worried and sad. Thinking about Ron and Hermione made him feel guilty for leaving and wonder if they had just moved on without him. Even the thought of Pyrrhus fed back anxiety rather than comfort as Harry's mind began to wonder where the little owl had run off to in the past couple of days and if he had done something to upset the usually happy bird.

By the time Harry got up from his spot on the floor he was freezing and feeling just as bad as when he'd sat down hours before. He all but sprinted off to the bathroom and took a shower so hot it nearly burned his skin, but even that just served to remind him of his dreams rather than help as he'd intended. Once Harry was dressed, he couldn't stand being cooped up in the dorm any longer, so he jotted out a note and left it on his bed reading:

Went down to the common room. If the girls are up first, I'll head to breakfast with them. No unsupervised wonderings- I promise! Buddy system and all that.

Then he headed down to the common room, as stated. As expected, it was completely deserted at such an early hour on a Saturday. But Harry needed to do something. He tried practicing some of the cleaning charms that they'd been learning in class, but of course the house elves kept the castle basically spotless, so it wasn't very satisfying and therefore was not distracting enough. He knew reading was out of the question, which was his default early morning activity, but he was just too restless for that. What Harry really wanted to do was wander the castle, but he knew that the guys would freak out if he did that especially if- Merlin forbid- he found trouble like he typically did when he dared to wander off here.

Wracking his brain, Harry tried to come up with something to do. He'd spent so many freaking hours locked in his cupboard as a kid that it seemed absolutely ridiculous that he couldn't come up with a single activity to occupy himself when he had the whole common room to himself. How on earth had he entertained himself all of that time?

After a little more pacing and even resorting to unfolding and refolding all of the blankets in the common room- twice- Harry finally remembered one thing he used to do that just might fit the bill. He briefly spared a thought for how his messed up arm might handle the activity before shrugging it off. There was really only one way to find out. So Harry went over to a blank stretch of wall, planted his hands firmly on the ground and kicked his legs up above his head. His cupboard had been just big enough to do a proper handstand in all the way up until he was eleven and got moved into Dudley's second bedroom. It was the one good thing about being short that Harry actually enjoyed. He'd found that things always felt better upside down. It turned everything on its head and made big problems look small and small bits of happiness feel enormous.

Harry actually hadn't done a handstand since he'd started at Hogwarts, so he was a little relieved just to know he could still do one. He was also very happy that his right arm seemed to be holding his weight okay. And upside down, that small victory felt really good. He used to literally spend hours standing like this against the big wall in his cupboard, letting the blood all rush to his head and drown out his thoughts. It made his cheeks warm and his brain quiet. So Harry just stood there and breathed, relishing the feeling of peace he'd finally tracked down. Some indeterminate amount of time later, Harry opened his eyes and came back to the real world a little, taking in the common room from his new perspective. It somehow looked cozier with his head down so close to the carpet and the hard stone walls and ceiling seeming so far away.

Looking around, Harry realized just how much space there was in the room. He'd only ever seen the inside of his cupboard while upside down and while he'd inspected every centimeter of floorboard and the underside of the stairs, there really hadn't been all that much to look at and explore. But seeing the vast, open room all around him, Harry decided to give that exploration a go and pushed slightly off of the wall with his legs and took a tentative step with his hands on the floor. It took him a minute to make sure he had his balance without the added support of the wall, but soon enough he felt pretty stable and took another small step. Harry threw another little party in his head for how well his arms were holding up bearing all of his weight as they were. Apparently getting back into quidditch had done him some good. Slowly, Harry made his way along the back of one of the couches and rounded the end of it to get a better look at the side of the room that was hidden behind the furniture from his starting position. But as Harry reached the end of the couch and tried to turn, he lost his balance and tipped over. Thankfully, he was able to catch himself and landed in a crouch rather than a splat on the floor.

Straightening up and shaking his arms out Harry moved out to the center of the open floor and decided to see if he could get up without using the wall. It took quite a few attempts, but eventually he did manage it and began his inverted exploration once again.

Just as Harry thought he was getting a handle on turning, somebody called out, "Harry?" Just about scaring the pants off of him. He startled hard enough to lose his balance once again, though this time he ended up crashing into one of the chairs at one of the study tables, bringing both it and himself tumbling to the ground.

"Oh! I'm so sorry!" Lily cried, rushing over to see if he was okay. "Are you alright?" She asked, crouching down next to Harry and he sat up and disentangled himself from the fallen chair.

Rubbing at his likely soon-to-be bruised hip, Harry looked up at Lily, giving her a small, reassuring smile. "Yeah. You just startled me a little. But I think I'll survive."

As she helped Harry to his feet, Lily asked, "Umm- What exactly were you doing?"

"Just- entertaining myself. I woke up early and didn't really have anything better to do," he shrugged, as if walking around on one's hands was a regular Saturday morning activity along with eating the good cereal and watching cartoons.

"Right…" Lily said skeptically.

"It's a good way to clear your head," Harry admitted as he leant down and righted the chair he'd run into. "And fun too," he smirked.

"Oh, yeah. You and the chair looked like you were having a barrel of laughs," Lily said sarcastically.

"Hey! You're the one who brought the chair into this. We were coexisting just fine until you came along, disturbing the peace," Harry griped.

"One word and all of a sudden I'm 'disturbing the peace'? Jeez- can't a girl catch a break around here?" Lily lamented.

"There's a reason they call it 'peace and quiet', you know?" Harry teased and Lily just rolled her eyes.

"Quiet is overrated," she stated adamantly.

Harry and Lily ended up heading down to breakfast together and the rest of the girls joined them a while later. Apparently the guys were having themselves a lie in, but that was just fine. Harry asked Milli if she'd might want to go flying with him after breakfast- and maybe invite some of their other quidditch teammates who were already up. Very rarely did they get the chance to have a casual flyabout and it could be really fun, even with the cold weather. She readily agreed and they split up to go see who else was already in the Great Hall who they could invite along as well. Half an hour later, they all met down in the Entrance Hall to head out to the pitch together. In the end, their group consisted of Harry, Milli, Matty, Leila, Jamie, and Mark (the former chaser who had taken the year off of quidditch to focus on his studies).

They made their way through the snow and down to the pitch. Harry stopped off at the broom shed to snag a school broom to barrow, not wanting to use Peter's any more than was strictly necessary and also not feeling very comfortable taking it when the other boy wasn't awake to ask (even though he was pretty sure that Peter wouldn't care, which was very weird to think about). They all kicked off and had a good time just mucking about. They ran races and showed off their favorite moves and did tricks and even played the wizarding version of H.O.R.S.E wherein you made wacky shots through the goal hoops, but instead of spelling out 'horse', they spelled out 'hippocampus', resulting in a much longer and crazier game. Harry was pretty proud of himself for making one shot while flying backwards that no one else was able to replicate- including the trained chasers. He was actually pretty sure that he himself couldn't replicate it if asked to ever again- but that was besides the point.

All in all, they played until lunch time and then all headed inside to warm up and enjoy a hard earned meal. Getting out and flying had also done Harry some good, allowing him to clear his head even more and the cold, fresh air had been invigorating. That was one of the major downsides of the winters at Hogwarts- your outdoors time became very limited and Harry hated feeling trapped like that. Even if he had to freeze his arse off, Harry vastly preferred to spend at least a couple of hours outside whenever he could, even if it was doing something as simple as going down to visit Hagrid or taking a stroll around the lake. It just did Harry some good to get out for a bit and stretch his legs. He supposed that perhaps it all came back to that need he felt to not be idle for too long. Somewhere deep inside of him it was ingrained to be working nose-to-the-grindstone or else he should be pretending that he didn't exist. And Harry didn't like pretending that he didn't exist, so he just needed something to do instead.

Harry had been so in his head all week that he'd fallen a bit behind on his homework, so he spent some of his afternoon working on that now that he'd finally managed to shake off his unsettling feelings from the previous night. After dinner, they had a game night and all sat around the fire in the common room as it burned down late into the night before finally calling it quits and all heading off to bed.

Harry slept pretty well that night, waking up just a little past 6am, which wasn't bad for him. Feeling a lot better that morning than he had been the day before, Harry decided to have another go at trying to find Bambi and sat down cross-legged on the floor once again and closed his eyes. This time, instead of trying to use mental images to evoke the warm feeling, Harry decided to try and pin down the feeling itself. Bambi already exists, I just have to make friends with him, Harry reminded himself. Make friends with the stupid, terrified baby deer that- Harry clamped down on that unhelpful train of thought, stamping it out. Bambi is good. Bambi is warm. Bambi is worth protecting. Bambi is worth loving, Harry told himself firmly.

Thinking about it in the third person like that made it easier for Harry to say- even just to himself. Bambi is good. Bambi is worth loving, Harry repeated, then added, Bambi is capable of being loved. After all, the damned deer was nothing but vulnerability. He literally couldn't exist without someone there to look after him. Bambi needs to be loved- that felt like a very honest statement. But if that were the case, then why did that place behind his heart feel so empty and hollow? How could Bambi exist when that 'love' was nowhere to be found? Was it possible to lose your animagus form? The ember went out and now there was nothing left to stoke into the necessary flame. And Harry was spiraling once again.

No, Harry told himself, desperately trying to pull up before he crashed. Bambi exists. Bambi is good. Bambi is worth… Harry never realized that he'd begun crying, even as heavy tears pressed their way past tightly clenched eyelids, sending hot, salty water down scorching cheeks. But that was not the kind of warmth he was looking for. That was the kind that made your head feel like it was about to explode- it was all surface heat. Like a burn. Harry's arms came to wrap tightly around his middle as he drew his knees up and curled into a ball.

Remus woke the others with a frantic air about him, which immediately put everyone on edge because Remus never panicked.

"Something's wrong with Harry," was all he had to say to have everyone jumping out of their beds.

They all braced for a certain amount of screaming or blood, given their past experiences, but their expressions all turned confused when nothing obviously wrong stood out as their eyes quickly swept across the room. It was only on their second or third pass that the others even noticed Harry, sitting pressed up against his bed with his head tucked down into his knees, looking as though he were trying to make himself as small as humanly possible- which was pretty damn small in his case.

"What's wrong with him?" Peter asked timidly.

"I don't know," Remus said quietly, as if afraid to disturb a fragile peace. "But he's not responding at all," he said worriedly. "I don't think he's really asleep either. He's just- frozen."

Everyone turned back to look at Harry with overtly concerned expressions.

After a moment's hesitation, Sirius approached Harry slowly, like he had with Bambi in the bathroom the other day. As he drew nearer, Sirius began speaking in a soft voice, "Hey, Harry. It's Sirius. Can you hear me? We're just in the dorms. Everything's okay. Can you let us know if you're awake?" But Harry gave him no response, no indication that he'd heard Sirius at all. Cautiously, Sirius reached out a hand and gently placed it on Harry's shoulder, but the boy neither leaned in nor tried to shake him off. Perhaps the most concerning thing was that Harry didn't even twitch at the contact and Sirius could feel just how taught his muscles were underneath his hand. Something was very wrong.

Taking a step back and a deep breath, Sirius shifted into Padfoot and tried to approach Harry again, but the dog was met with the same absolute lack of response. Then James had a go, and even Peter tried, but none of them managed to elicit any sort of a reaction from Harry.

"Do you think we should get McGonagall? Or Madam Pomfrey?" James asked, anxiously wringing his hands as he fretted and paced slightly.

"Do you think we should get Lily?" Sirius asked quietly.

James froze, mid step and considered the suggestion before slowly nodding. "What do you guys think?" He asked Peter and Remus. This was all so far out of his comfort zone that James no longer wanted to be the decision maker of the group. Whatever was happening was too real- too important for him to be in charge.

"I think it's worth a shot-" Remus said slowly. "But if she can't help, we should go get Pomfrey." Peter nodded his agreement.

Once the consensus was reached, James practically sprinted out of the dorm in order to go and fetch Lily. Unfortunately, James found the common room empty due to it still being so early on a Sunday. So he stood at the base of the spiral stairs that led up to the girls' dormitory and shouted until a sleepy looking 2nd year stumbled out onto the landing to glare down at him.

"What do you want?!" She grouched loudly down the stairs. "Believe it or not, we are all trying to sleep up here."

"I need Lily Evans- tell her it's an emergency," James pleaded.

Hearing the desperation in the great James Potter's voice- asking for a prefect no less- spurred the little girl into action and she took off down the hallway, disappearing from James' view. Two minutes later, Lily appeared at the top of the stairs, still tying her robe around herself as she began making her way down the stairs.

"James Potter- I swear to Merlin if this is not an honest-to-God emergency that Remus couldn't have just handled on his own, then I will never speak to you again. So think very critically about the next words that come out of your mouth," Lily warned harshly, narrowing her eyes at James as she rounded the last few steps and entered the common room.

"Something's wrong with Harry," he told her, making it clear that he was deadly serious.

Lily paled and took off towards the boys' dorms, not even waiting for James to take the lead. "What happened?" She asked over her shoulder as she climbed the stairs two at a time.

"We don't know. Remus just woke up and found him… he's- well, you'll see," James told her, knowing that they were almost there and it would take much longer to try and explain it than they had before she'd be able to see the situation for herself.

Lily came to an abrupt halt just in front of the door to the 6th year boys' dormitory. She had never actually been in this room in all of her years at Hogwarts. It was kind of like the guys' inner sanctum- but none of that mattered now. She paused just long enough to compose herself a little before pushing the door open calmly, not sure what to expect on the other side of it. What she found surprised her. Remus, Peter, and Sirius were all standing against one of the far beds with deep looks of worry etched on their faces. She had to step a little further into the room to see what they were all staring at. And that was when her eyes fell on Harry, curled up in his little ball, seemingly deaf and dulled to the world.

"He's just not responding to anything at all. Nothing like this has ever happened before," James explained quietly.

"It's like someone just turned him off," Peter whispered in a frightened voice.

"Harry?" Lily called gently as she made her way over to him, a little hesitantly. Unsurprisingly, he gave no response. Looking down at his hunched form, Lily could see just how tense he was. The position he was in almost reminded her of that awful day in Herbology when he had had the panic attack. Although now instead of rapid, heaving breaths, Harry barely looked to be breathing at all. He was eerily still. It was like the flip side to that same coin.

"It's Lily. Do you mind if I join you?" She asked as she crouched down and took a seat on the floor next to him. She shivered. "The floor is a little cold, don't you think? I know-" She said, reaching up to grab the covers off of Harry's bed above them. "A nice soft, warm blanket might help." And she carefully wrapped it around both herself and Harry. "There. Isn't that nice? The dorms at Hogwarts can get dreadfully cold during these Scottish winters, so it's a good thing that you put on your jumper this morning." She reached a hand out to rub up and down Harry's back. "It's nice and soft too. Now, if only there was something we could do about the hard floor- it is rather uncomfortable to sit on, but I think we're just going to have to live with that until we're ready to get up, hmm?" Lily brought her hand up to rub across Harry's shoulders. "That's probably why you're so tense- too long sitting on the hard, cold, stone floor is bound to make your back hurt a bit. Maybe even your neck too," she added, running her hand up his neck and then up into his hair where she scratched his head a little, kind of like you would a puppy. "You've got nice hair. It's very soft," she told Harry, bringing her hand further forwards to card through his fringe near where his forehead rested on his knees. "But I can imagine that your glasses are kind of digging in with your face tucked into your knees like that. That must be a little uncomfortable," she sympathized, still running her fingers through Harry's messy hair.

"Do you mind if I take your hand?" She asked before reaching out with her free hand to place it on top of the one of Harry's which had rigid fingers balled into a tight fistfull of sweater at his side. "Your hands must be tired from holding on so tight. They might feel a little bit better if you let go," she suggested as she began rubbing soothing circles into the back of Harry's tense hand, slowly working towards prying his fingers loose. She scooted herself a little closer to him, pressing her soft robe and warm body up against him. "I know the floor is cold and hard, but at least I'm warm and the blanket and your jumper are soft, so it's not all bad, right? And you are hanging out with me and James and Sirius and Remus and Peter. We can have a good time, even if we stay right here in the dormitory all day," she said confidently.

Eventually, Lily successfully worked Harry's fingers loose from their deathgrip on his jumper and she took hold of his hand properly, still rubbing little circles into the back of it with her thumb. "There we go. That probably feels a little better, right?" She'd kept up her seemingly mindless chatter the entire time since she sat down, along with periodically switching between rubbing Harry's back and carding her fingers through his hair soothingly. And then one time when Lily brought her hand around to run her fingers through Harry's bangs, Harry leaned into the gesture. Despite how minute the movement was, everyone saw it and held their breath.

"Hey, Harry. Can you hear me?" Lily asked, hope invading her voice as she held her hand in place, rubbing her thumb across Harry's forehead as if attempting to smooth out some nonexistent wrinkles there. When she didn't get an answer, Lily slid her hand back into Harry's hair and then down his back a little more vigorously. "Come on, Harry. It's time to get up now. I'm tired of sitting on this cold, hard dorm floor and I know you must be too. Your bed will be a lot comfier, I promise. I just need you to look at me. Talk to me. Just for a minute, okay? Can you do that for me?"

Harry shifted just the tiniest bit, arching his back into Lily's ministrations, before he rolled his head to the side and two matching sets of brilliant, green eyes met- one flooded with relief, the other with sadness.

"You're not real," came Harry's hoarse, broken whisper as he clenched his eyes shut once again and turned his head firmly away from Lily.

"Oh, Harry. Yes, I am," Lily said as her eyes filled with sadness too. Lily just couldn't help herself- she leaned over and wrapped Harry in a tight hug. "This is real," she insisted, squeezing him just a little tighter to emphasize her words. Lily could feel Harry begin to shake ever so slightly and a second later she realized that it was because he was silently crying. "Shhh," she soothed, pulling Harry in closer, guiding his head until it came to rest comfortably against her chest, tucked underneath her chin. Lily rested her cheek against the top of his head. "It's okay, Harry. It's going to be okay."

And they stayed like that for a while- Harry still curled up half in Lily's lap, Lily with her arm wrapped snugly around Harry, and James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter just sort of frozen, looking on. The guys both felt like they were intruding on an intimate moment, and that it would be inappropriate to leave. So they opted to remain silent observers to the heartbreaking scene.

Eventually, Harry fell asleep. He hadn't made a single sound since he's whispered those three heartwrenching words, but Lily felt the shaking slowly stop and Harry's body go limp as he finally drifted off.

"I think he's asleep," Lily said quietly into the silent room, still running her fingers gently through Harry's hair.

"Thank you," was all James could say. Lily just offered him a sad smile, knowing that there was nothing she could possibly say in response to that that would convey it all. 'You're welcome' or 'Anytime' just weren't gonna cut it. But she had a feeling that James understood. After all, he'd come to get her in the first place, hadn't he?

"Do you think he's gonna be okay?" Lily asked hesitantly.

"Yes," Sirius said firmly. "Damn kid is more resilient than this castle- and she's lasted centuries. If Hellhounds couldn't do him in or whatever hell he came from, we're damn sure not going to let whatever this is get him either." There were decisive nods all around.

"Do you have any ideas as to what 'this' is?" Lily wondered.

"More specifically than emotional trauma in the third degree?" Sirius snorted. "Not really," he shook his head dejectedly.

Lily took a moment to reflect on that. "You know, he was acting a little strange yesterday morning too," she ventured. At the concerned looks she got, Lily added, "Nothing like this. More- manic? That might be the closest word for it- though it wasn't quite that severe. I came downstairs in the morning and found him in the common room walking on his hands."

The guys seemed a little unable to process that tidbit. "His-? What?" Sirius asked, cocking his head to the side.

"On his hands- like something at the circus. He was just wandering around the common room like that. I take it that's not just something he does sometimes?" Lily asked with a raised brow. She had been secretly hoping that was simply a Harry-ism that she just hadn't been privy to yet.

"Not unless he only does it in the shower," Remus said dryly.

"And then he got a bunch of people to go flying despite the fact that it's literally freezing outside. It was like he just had too much energy and didn't know what to do with it. And then the next day- total shutdown." Lily shook her head, not sure what exactly to do with that information.

No one really did, so the words just hung in the air. After a minute, James glanced at his watch and was rather surprised. "It's almost lunch time," he told everyone.

"We can levitate Harry up to his bed so that you can go get ready," Remus offered.

"No-" Lily said quickly, and then continued a little more calmly, "That's okay. I'd rather stay here and let him rest than risk waking him up by moving him." She would stay on that cold, hard floor all day and night if it meant that Harry slept soundly for a full twenty four hours. And Lily found herself surprisingly comfortable, given the circumstances. There was just something very nice about the feel of Harry's weight leaning against her and his peaceful presence. He was just such a kind, and caring person that it seemed to radiate out of him, even as he slept.

"If you're sure…" James said hesitantly- not wanting Lily to feel obligated to babysit or something like that. But as he watched her nod, James could tell that she was genuinely happy to stay. "Well, would you prefer us to stay or go? We'd be happy to keep you company, but I also get if you'd like a little time alone."

Lily thought for a moment, a bit touched by the considerate question. "I think it might be best if you guys head down to lunch. And that way you can let the other girls know what's going on. But it might be nice to have the company after lunch- and the girls might wanna come visit too. Though, maybe not everyone at once. It might be best to go by hospital wing rules for now. At least until Harry is a bit more up for it." She smiled down at the slumbering Harry, laughing at her own little joke.

"I think we can manage that," James smiled.

Harry ended up sleeping through most of the rest of the day. Haleigh, Gretta, and Milli all came up and visited in the early afternoon. The guys had told them the general story in hushed tones over lunch. They'd all been woken up by the 2nd year girl bursting into their dormitory that morning who'd dragged Lily out of bed, but when they'd heard that it was at James Potter's request, their worry had eased a little. It would not have been the first time the boy had used such a tactic to get Lily somewhere. But when Lily hadn't soon returned, raving about the 'insufferable James Potter' and his 'big, bloated head', their concern had crept back up again. And then when the guys had shown up at lunch with dower faces and without Lily or Harry, they knew that something was officially wrong.

While it had been distressing enough to hear the abridged version of the story down in the Great Hall, it was heartbreaking to see the end result of it up in the dorms. Harry looked so- fragile curled up in Lily's arms. And Lily held him so gently while simultaneously managing to look like she would end anyone who dared to look at Harry the wrong way. The scene was sad and scary and heartwarming all at the same time.

Harry stirred a few times throughout the day, but never did more than nuzzle into Lily or let out a small sigh. When he finally, truly woke up it was just past dinner time. Lily felt him stir once again, but this time when she looked down and brushed his bangs out of his face, she was met with surprisingly clear green eyes.

"Good morning. Are you actually with us this time?" Lily asked with a small smile.

"Lily?" Harry asked, squinting up at her, and then jerking back when he realized that he was basically laying on top of her.

"I'll take that as a 'yes'," Lily sighed at his reaction and then offered Harry his glasses.

Harry looked around the room, noting that he was still in his dorm, but was sitting on the floor. It was dark outside, so it was either later in the night or rather early in the morning. But seeing as how the rest of his dormmates were all awake and dressed, Harry would wager that it was nighttime.

"Erh- What are you doing in here?" Harry asked and then cringed at how rude it had sounded. His brain was still a little fuzzy from- sleep?

Thankfully Lily just laughed at his obvious embarrassment. It was James who decided to field Harry's question. "You kind of- zoned out on us this morning, mate. And we had to call in the big guns to get you back," he said, nodding his head towards Lily to indicate that she was 'the big guns'.

"Oh. Sorry," was all Harry said, though his brain started working overtime, desperately trying to clear out all of the rust that seemed to be clogging up the gears right then. He hadn't 'checked out' in a really long time. It used to happen sometimes when he was on particularly long punishments. Harry liked to think of it as his body going into 'survival mode' and saving him the pain and boredom of the ordeal. But that hadn't happened since well before he came to Hogwarts.

"I take it by your lack of follow up questions that this isn't the first time it's happened?" Sirius raised an eyebrow at Harry.

Harry flushed a little and looked away. "It happened a couple of times when I was a kid," Harry admitted.

"Harry- you still are a kid," Sirius pointed out, exasperatedly.

"I mean like a little kid- before I was ten," Harry clarified. "I really thought I was over it," he muttered dejectedly, hanging his head and bringing a hand up to run through his hair, giving it a little tug.

Lily reached out a hand and gently grabbed Harry's that was pulling at his hair, dragging it safely away. "You know, it's the same thing with asthma. A lot of people have it bad when their kids and then can go years and years without an attack as an adult, but that doesn't mean that they'll never have one again. That's why you're always supposed to have your inhaler on you even when you don't think you'll need it because you just never know what might trigger another attack."

Harry wasn't sure if that made him feel any better or not. While on one hand it was nice to know that he wasn't necessarily a freak for relapsing or whatever, on the other it was also depressing to think that he may never truly outgrow these 'episodes'.

"Any idea what triggered it?" James asked.

Harry felt his heart rate quicken. He knew exactly what had triggered it, but Harry slammed that door in his mind shut and wanted nothing more than to lock it and throw away the key. He just couldn't handle another spiral if this one had already set him so far back. Harry shook his head, maybe a little too vigorously. The others were free to interpret that as 'No, I don't remember' or 'No, I don't wanna talk about it'- either way, Harry's lips were sealed and that door would remain tightly closed.

Come Monday, faced with a new week, Harry decided to employ a tried and true coping mechanism- ignore it. It had gotten him through a decade with the Dursleys and many a school year at Hogwarts, so there was no good reason it couldn't carry him through now. And Harry was pretty proud of how much he'd just gotten things back to normal in the new week. He'd laid awake in bed most of Sunday night and into Monday morning, but 'sleep deprived' was Harry's factory setting, so that basically was him getting back to normal after sleeping the day away on Sunday. He went through all of the motions- he smiled and laughed, ate, and did his work as expected. At quidditch practice, he'd caught the snitch and regurgitated the plays when called upon by Beth.

But as the week wore on, Harry felt the cracks. Not even a week- how on earth was it possible that he couldn't even last one blasted week keeping his shit together?!

And that was how Harry found himself hiding out in the bathroom in the dormitory, doing a handstand in order to try and clear his head. He felt both insane and like a child, but it really did make him feel a little bit better. Then the door banged open and Sirius strode into the room, scaring the pants off of Harry, who quickly dropped his feet back onto the floor- thankfully not hitting anything on the way down this time.

"Merlin, Harry!" Sirius shouted, clutching his chest. "I thought you were down in the common room- otherwise I would've knocked. Sorry," Sirius apologized, but then his brows drew together as his brain caught up with the shock and then processed what he'd just walked in on. "Blimey- you really do do handstands in the loo?" He said incredulously.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Harry scowled.

Sirius called over his shoulder, "Moony- you were right about Bambi! He's been doing 'em in the loo this whole time!"

"What are you talking about?" Harry ground out.

At the same time, Remus appeared in the doorway as well, asking, "What?"

"I just found Harry doing a handstand in the loo- you were right," Sirius informed him.

Remus just looked at Harry, surprised and confused. "Really?"

"No, not 'really'," Harry huffed.

"Oh, so you're telling me I didn't just see you doing a handstand in the loo?" Sirius questioned, like a prosecutor cross examining a key witness.

"No- I'm just saying that that's not a 'thing'! I don't 'do handstands in the loo'," Harry insisted. And the amended, "Besides just now." At Sirius' skeptical look, Harry said, "Honestly! I hadn't even done one since I was eleven until last week. And- I don't know- I just found that it helps me clear my head- sue me!"

"But then why are you in the bathroom?" Remus asked.

"Because I'd get weird looks if I did it in the common room," Harry shrugged. It had seemed like a good place to hide that still had enough space to move around.

"You're getting weird looks in the bathroom too, mate," Sirius pointed out.

"I wouldn't be if you had the common decency to knock," Harry rolled his eyes, still a bit ticked off.

"Well, why don't you bring your parlor tricks out into the dormitory and let Pads use the loo?" Remus suggested.

Harry just pushed past the pair and flipped back upside down once he was in the middle of the dorm room. Remus and Sirius exchanged slightly confused looks before heading their separate ways. Remus hung out and just watched Harry for a minute. It really was an odd sight to behold, seeing Harry teetering around with his legs in the air and a weirdly blank look on his slightly red face. But Remus had to admit, it was also kind of impressive. He never would've guessed this secret talent of Harry's. And it was not so much that he hadn't believed Lily when she'd told them, but seeing it first hand was just something else.

"Why do you like walking around on your hands so much?" Remus asked curiously from his position at the edge of the room.

"The world looks better upside down," Harry said matter-of-factly. Remus couldn't help but think that if there were ever a sentence to find some deeper meaning in- that was surely the one. And then Harry continued, "When I was a kid, I actually just did handstands as a way to pass the time. I didn't really have the space to walk around. I just discovered that it was fun the other day- it gave me something to do."

Apparently Harry was much more chatty when inverted, Remus noted. Or maybe it was just the distraction that helped with that.

"So you had a lot of time to yourself as a kid?" Remus asked.

"It depended on the day. I was basically either at school, doing chores, or pretending that I didn't exist. Handstands were just the right amount of quiet and entertaining to fit the bill for that last one," Harry told him. "That's also where I found all of that time for target practice," Harry smirked. "When you have limited resources, you get very good at the few things you can do."

"So your relatives weren't very well off?"

"Oh, they did just fine for themselves. White picket house out in the suburbs. Only my uncle had to work and they could afford to send my cousin to private school without too much stretch. And my aunt could afford to redo the flower beds at least once a month it seemed. One must keep up the trends, you know. Or what would the neighbors think?" Harry said that last bit in an imitation of a woman's high pitched, overly dramatic voice.

"Did you like any of your neighbors?"

"I didn't really know any of them. Not that they'd want to get to know me," Harry scoffed.

"And why's that?"

"The whole neighborhood was convinced that I was some kind of juvenile delinquent."

"Why?" Remus gasped.

"Because that's what my relatives told everyone. When I started leaving to spend the school year in the magical world they told everyone that I was away attending 'St. Brutus's Secure Centre for Incurably Criminal Boys'." Harry said the name of the school in that same imitation voice. "So you can imagine what that did to my already stellar reputation on the block."

"Wait- you still live with them?" Remus gaped at Harry.

Harry suddenly dropped back down into a regular standing position, glaring at Remus. "No," Harry said tersely, turning his back on Remus. Loose lips sink ships and apparently when all of the blood rushed to his head, Harry was a goddam hole in the hull. He cursed himself for being so careless, wracking his brain for what else had just slipped out without any sort of filter in the last five minutes.

"Harry-" Remus began, taking a step forward, hands held up in a sort of apologetic surrender.

But Harry cut him off. Snatching up his bag he said, "I've got homework to do," and then walked out of the room without a backwards glance at Remus.

Remus hung his head. He felt a little guilty for taking advantage of Harry like that, but it had just seemed like a great opportunity to get him to talk about something. Clearly whatever was going on with him was not actually getting better and no matter how much Harry was trying to ignore it and act like everything was fine- it just wasn't. And Remus was worried that Harry was liable to just explode one day soon if he didn't find a way to at least vent in a slightly better- healthier- way than handstands, target practice, and literally shutting down. So if Harry wanted to be mad at him, that's fine because at least then Remus knew that he was still feeling something.

"What's wrong, Moony?" Sirius asked as he stepped out of the bathroom and spied Remus standing just off to the side of the doorway with his head cradled in his hand. "You know if it's hitting you hard this month, you can just take a sick day and head to Pomfrey early," walking over and gently placing a hand on Remus' back.

Remus shook his head a little, dropping his hand and straightening up to look at Sirius. "No, it's not that." Though, in truth, he wasn't feeling great at that moment either. The full moon was the next day and the few days leading up to it were never really fun. "I just- Harry's mad at me."

"For what? About the bathroom thing?" Sirius asked, confused, because Harry was usually pretty tolerant about their jokes and at the very least would've blamed Sirius rather than Remus if he really was upset about it.

"No, not about that," Remus said. "We were just talking- well, I guess I was more prying- and he just kind of lost his filter for a bit and I think he let slip something that he really hadn't meant to and then he just ran away."

"What did he 'let slip'?" Sirius asked warily, a sinking feeling in his gut telling him that he didn't really want to know.

Remus turned to fully face Sirius, allowing him to see his pained expression. "We were talking about his relatives," Remus spat the word like it was something vile on his tongue, "he said 'when I started spending the school year in the magical world'. Which implies he was still spending his summers with them. At the very least, until a lot more recently than when he was eleven."

"Shit…" Sirius sagged.

Harry just did his best to ignore the guys for the rest of the night. He buried himself in his work, tucked away in the back corner of the common room until basically everyone else had gone up to bed. Once he thought he'd waited long enough that the others would surely be asleep, Harry slipped silently back up to the dormitory and into bed.

Once it had become clear that Harry was avoiding them, the guys didn't try to push it. Sirius and Remus had filled James and Peter in when they'd shown back up and they all agreed it was best not to poke the bear for now. Sirius just made a habit of checking the map every half hour or so just to make sure Harry was still in the tower.

The next day, Harry was just quiet. He'd put his mask back on, but the cracks were still showing. The smiles he offered up were strained and his answers to even direct questions were mostly nonverbal. In Potions class, Harry hadn't even bothered to really try- his main goal was to just not blow anything up, which he thankfully managed. In Transfiguration, they were working on creating more intricate and delicate transfigurations which kindly lent itself to a class filled with mostly quiet concentration.

After class, in their usual abandoned classroom, Harry retreated into one of the far corners once again. The others left him be, only glancing over when he stood up from his position where he'd been bent over the table he was sitting at, shucked his robes, and then went over to the wall nearby and kicked his legs up. Rather than walking around this time, Harry just rested his feet against the wall and stood there with his eyes closed.

After a while spent valiantly attempting to do some homework, Harry had finally just caved. Everyone in the room already knew he was weird and had seen him at his most pathetic. So what were they gonna do- judge him more? He was pretty sure he'd basically maxed out the scale and they still let him hang out with them, so Harry had decided that there was no reason he shouldn't just do what he wanted. It wasn't like it was hurting anyone and it really did make him feel better.

"Harry- it's time for dinner," a hesitant voice said from somewhere just to Harry's right.

Opening his eyes, Harry saw that Haleigh was looking down at his face anxiously. He righted himself and gave her the most genuine smile that had graced his face all day. "Okay." And Harry went and packed up his bag before following the rest to dinner. Well- not 'following' since even despite the tense air, Harry was still not allowed to walk in the back of their group. More accurately, he 'allowed himself to be shepherded' by the rest to dinner.

Despite everything, Harry still saw Remus off to the hospital wing with a sympathetic, "Hope you feel better soon," to help keep up pretenses and then wished the rest of the guys a good night as they snuck away to meet up with Moony. Harry might've been a little caught up with himself at the moment, but that didn't mean that he didn't care about Remus and he needed them all to know that he wasn't going to let his own shit get in the way of protecting their secrets like he'd promised to do.

So Harry kept up with tradition, staying up late into the night, curled up on the window ledge, looking out over the snowy grounds. Harry waited until he saw three black shapes standing out against the moonlit snow that he could just barely make out and he smiled at the magic of seeing what felt like a childhood story come to life- even if he'd only just heard the stories from Sirius and Remus in the last few years. It still felt special.

After the shadows disappeared into the trees, Harry sighed. He couldn't decide if he was relieved to be facing a night alone in the dormitory. It took a little of the pressure off, knowing that there weren't going to be any prying eyes about, but there was also an odd sense of loneliness that Harry was feeling, despite his recent, self imposed exile among his friends. Even if he hadn't really been talking to them, it had still been nice to know in the back of his head that they were there. But Harry shook all of those thoughts off. None of them really mattered anyway- the reality was that he was alone and that was that, regardless of his feelings, whatever they may be.

So with one last, long look out of the window, Harry slid his feet to the ground and made to stand up and head to bed. But when he turned around, Harry nearly had a heart attack. He stumbled back into the window sill, just managing to catch himself on the ledge before he fell all the way to the floor. Standing right behind him was Harry's godforsaken reindeer stalker. The thing was so close to him that Harry was pretty sure, had it been a real deer, that he'd have been able to feel the creature's hot breath on his neck where he'd been sitting the moment before.

"You really are trying to kill me," Harry gasped, clutching at his chest in a desperate attempt to calm his racing heart. The glowing creature just blinked at him, but it didn't look very apologetic.

Harry righted himself and shuffled sideways to sneak around the large animal, trying to gain some distance. The thing had never really done much besides blink and walk around, but Harry was still very wary of being that close to the unknown entity. It glowed stronger than a ghost and wasn't quite as misty as a patronus- Harry had been calling it a 'spirit' inside of his head, for lack of a better term.

As Harry made his way around the edge of the room, skirting the 'spirit', the thing seemed to be following Harry's movements with his blank, white eyes. It was rather unsettling. Once Harry made it far enough away that the reindeer could no longer turn its head any more to keep in sight, it turned itself around and walked calmly over to stand in front of the closed dormitory door.

"Oh no- you're not tricking me into doing that again," Harry said firmly. "Fool me once, and all that. But Remus and the rest just might kill me if I don't manage to get myself killed. Nuh-uh."

The creature turned its head around to fix Harry with its blank gaze once again, and just as he had every other time the stupid reindeer had shown up, Harry felt compelled to follow it.

"No," Harry insisted, but he wasn't sure if he was talking to the deer or himself at that point. "It's freezing outside," Harry argued weakly before shouting exasperatedly, "Why can't you just bloody tell me what you want!" He sat down resolutely on Sirius' bed, refusing to yield any more ground to the deer- but the spirit was standing right next to Harry's bed, so he wasn't about to go stomping over to it like he had originally wanted to.

The reindeer cocked its head to the side and for the first time Harry felt like the thing may actually be trying to communicate with him. Unfortunately, it seemed to be sassily asking, 'Isn't it obvious? I want you to follow me.'

Harry just glared, crossing his arms. "Even you must think it's too cold to be outside right now if you came all the way up here to get me," Harry tried to rationalize. He knew just how crazy he must look trying to argue with a magical glowing reindeer- who wasn't arguing back, mind you- and yet somehow still losing. Harry felt, rather than saw, the deer roll its eyes before it turned back to face the door, patiently waiting for Harry to come along. And even as Harry huffed at the deer's behavior, he felt himself sliding to the edge of the bed, that voice inside of him telling him that everything would be okay if he just followed the spirit, once again winning.

As Harry stomped his way across the room to go put on his shoes, his anger didn't fade even though he had already caved. "You know, if you're just gonna keep showing up like this, you're gonna need a name because I can't just keep calling you 'that stupid glowing reindeer spirit who keeps trying to lure me places'. It doesn't really roll off the tongue, you know?" Harry glanced up after speaking to see that the deer hadn't moved at all and was just ignoring his rant. Harry gave it some thought while he laced up his trainers, running through your 'classic' reindeer names.

"Well, you don't seem very fast or agile so far- you more just plodded along- so Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, and Comet are out," Harry thought aloud. "Vixen sounds scary, and we don't need to be tempting Fate with that one, so that's not gonna be it. Rudolph just doesn't seem like a good fit. I mean, yeah- you glow, but it's not just your nose. And 'Rudolph' is also a bit of a cumbersome name, so that wouldn't even address the core of the issue. But calling you 'Rudy' instead just doesn't sound right," Harry wrinkled his nose in distaste. "So what does that leave?" He asked the side of the deer's head. "Cupid and… I can just never remember the last two. Even when I sing the song in my head, it's like the last two names are blurred out or something." Harry shook his head to get back on track. "Well, then," he shrugged, "Cupid it is! Maybe it's a bit of a silly name, but I stand by the fact that this whole 'magical glowing reindeer' thing is a whole ridiculous, nonsensical situation, so in that sense, maybe it is the perfect name for you," Harry concluded. "Plus, 'stupid Cupid' really does roll off the tongue," he smiled. That last fact made Harry very happy.

Standing up, Harry grabbed his cloak and threw it around his shoulders. "Let's get this over with- lead the way, Cupid," Harry said, gesturing the deer forward.

But rather than moving, Cupid turned to look at Harry for a second before facing the door once again.

"Well, excuse me," Harry said dramatically. "Here I figured that if you could get yourself into the room to scare the pants off me, then you'd be able to get yourself out too." Harry stepped up and held open the door for Cupid, who calmly walked through it and out into the hallway. Harry rolled his eyes as he closed the door behind himself, wondering just what he'd done to find himself currently acting as a spirit deer's butler.

It was very odd watching a reindeer climb down stairs- especially from the back. Harry allowed for a decent sized buffer before following it down. The staircase was pretty narrow and Harry didn't want to get kicked or trampled if Cupid somehow got spooked or something. He wasn't quite sure if the thing was corporeal, but he definitely didn't want to find out the hard way.

Just as Harry reached the bottom of the stairs, Cupid disappeared.

Harry blinked for a second, taken aback. "Cupid?" he whisper-yelled into the quiet common room- everyone had long since gone to bed. Had all of that really just been to make him walk downstairs? "Stupid Cupid," Harry huffed. As he turned right around to head back up to bed, Harry's foot caught on the bottom stair- which had been a lot closer than Harry had been thinking- and he lost his balance. Toppling over, Harry let out a yelp as his elbow smacked into the corner where the wall met the outlet for the staircase, and he landed in an ungraceful heap on the floor. Cursing, Harry slowly sat up, rubbing at his elbow.

"Harry?" A familiar, though currently concerned and sleepy, voice called out.

Whipping his head around, Harry's eyes quickly found Lily's head sticking up from behind one of the couches over by the fire. Her hair was mussed up and as the two of them looked at one another, she brought a hand up to rub at her eyes.

"Sorry," Harry said, not sure what else to say as he pulled himself to his feet.

"Where are you going?" Lily asked, narrowing her eyes.

"Uh- back up to bed?" Harry told her- though that seemed like it would've been obvious given the current hour and the fact that he was standing at the foot of the stairs to the boys' dormitory.

"Then, where were you?" She pivoted.

"Upstairs?"

"Then why are you wearing your cloak?" Lily pointed out.

Oops. Harry had forgotten about that and now could understand why Lily was looking at him so suspiciously. "It's cold?"

Lily shook her head. "Try again."

Harry scrambled for an answer that she would accept because the truth was out of the question. He settled for what would usually bring him down to the common room at this hour and hoped that it would hold up. Harry let out a sigh, allowing his shoulders to slump slightly. "I just- couldn't sleep. And there's only so much staring at the same dark walls that one can take before they start to go a little stir crazy. I really wasn't going anywhere in particular."

It looked like Lily had accepted his explanation as her face softened considerably, much to Harry's relief. "Well, would you like to join me instead?" She offered, motioning towards the empty spot beside her on the couch.

Harry hesitated. "Don't you wanna go up and sleep in your own bed?" He asked. He'd assumed that Lily had just accidentally fallen asleep down in the common room.

"I'm actually rather warm and comfy right here and the stairs are so dreadfully far away, so I'm just gonna stay down there for the night either way," she shrugged.

After another wavering moment, Harry went and joined her on the couch- though he sat at the far end. The house elves must have kept the fire going, having noticed that Lily had fallen asleep, because it was still giving off a warm, pleasant heat. They spent a while just sitting together, Harry watching the fire and Lily watching Harry.

Surprisingly, it was Harry who broke the silence. "I'm sorry about this last weekend, but- uh- thank you for helping me," Harry said quietly, not taking his eyes off of the dancing flames.

"I'm just glad I could help," Lily told him. "And you don't need to be sorry," she insisted.

"Yes, I do. I've been acting like a tosser for a while now and I know I'm not exactly fun to be around and you don't deserve that- none of you guys do."

"Harry-" Lily began, a little hesitantly, as she tried to plan out her words. "You may not have been a barrel of laughs the last week or so, but it's not like you've started insulting us or are going around kicking puppies or something. We all know that you're going through something and you're allowed a bit of grace for that. We're all just human, you know. We can't be perfect all of the time, nor should we be expected to be," Lily said firmly. "You know, Milli's cat died in our fourth year- he was really old and used to be her mother's before getting officially passed on to her when she started school. She was an absolute terror to be around for about a month afterwards. As I'm sure you can imagine, she's not exactly the 'talk about her feelings and have a good cry' type, so her grief manifested as a lot of misplaced anger. But we didn't stop hanging out with her because her cat died and she was sad about it- even if she didn't express it in a very nice way."

Harry fought to keep his emotions in check because didn't that sound familiar. Being angry was a lot easier that dealing with all of those other stupid emotions rattling around.

Lily continued, "So nobody is mad at you. If anything, we're worried. And we just wish you'd let us help you- let us know what's wrong."

"But I don't want you to worry about me either," Harry insisted.

"Well, I'm sorry, but you don't really get a choice in that. The same way we can't magically make you feel better, you can't force us not to worry. But Harry-" Lily paused, wishing desperately that he would just look at her, "You do know that worry isn't a bad thing, right? It's just another side of caring. The same way grief and love are one in the same. It's all the same base feeling manifesting under different circumstances. You love someone while they are with you, and when they die, that grief you feel is just more love- it just can't be expressed the same way anymore. The same goes for worry. You worry when you're in a situation where you cannot express the care you have for someone or something in the same way you normally would. We all just wish we could give you a hug and make you feel better, but that's just not the solution here, so we are left to worry. And that's okay. Not only is it okay- it's a good thing. It means that the rest of the time we get to experience the positive side of those feelings. And that's more than worth it."

Harry still hadn't looked at her the entire time Lily had spoken, but she knew that he was listening. Having said her piece, Lily sat back, curling up once again on her end of the couch. They continued to sit in peaceful silence until the two eventually fell asleep in front of the crackling fire.

Harry dreamt about a baby deer whose eyes were seared green by a violent emerald light. The fawn then stumbled around the forest, aimless and lost. An indistinct figure could be seen flickering in the trees behind him like a ghost, haunting the little creature. Something rustled in the leaves, causing the fawn to freeze. A snake- black with blood red eyes- slithered out of the brush, baring its fangs at the frozen little deer. Fear shone brightly in the fawn's eyes, but it was too terrified to move. But then, something came flying out of the trees and in the light filtering through the canopy overhead, the ghost took the shape of a stag, head brought low so that its antlers were kicking up dirt as it ran, charging towards the fawn and the snake. He scooped up the snake, tossing it high into the air, as a shot rang out. The deafening bang that reverberated through the trees was enough to break the fawn out of his frozen state and he took off running. The little deer didn't hear the thump as the stag collapsed to the forest floor.

The fawn ran blindly and as fast as his spindly legs would carry him into the darkening woods. There was a sudden, searing pain and the fawn jerked to a stop, letting out a high-pitched cry of distress. Desperately, he tried to pull himself free of the steel trap snapped tight around one of his legs, but the effort was fruitless and only caused the creature more pain. The fawn thrashed and cried out, but nobody came- neither to help free it or put it out of its misery.

A sound whispering through the trees stilled the deer once again. After a minute of the only noise coming from the fawn's heaving breaths, the distant sound of cruel laughter could be heard, echoing through the forest. It seemed to be coming from every direction, getting steadily louder, pressing in on the trapped animal. The fawn redoubled his efforts to free himself in order to get away from the new threat, but only succeeded in losing his footing and landing splayed out on the ground. But still, he tried in vain to scramble away. After some time, the fawn's distressed movements began to slow, no longer having the energy to fight. By that point, the trees around him were practically vibrating with the eerie laughter.

Just as the fawn's eyes slid closed, the distinct crunch of dry leaves came from somewhere nearby. He peeled his heavy eyelids back open, looking around tiredly, but the source of the sound was somewhere behind him where he couldn't see from his current position. The small deer just lay there and trembled as he listened to the new arrival move closer. There was a loud click as it drew to a stop and then something large and warm lowered itself to the ground next to the fawn. His eyes had slid closed once again and he didn't bother opening them to try and see what it was. The warmth that whatever it was had brought was enveloping him, chasing away the pain and laughter. The little fawn leaned in, snuggling up into the doe laying beside him.

Once again, it was a strange noise that woke Lily. The first time, it had been Harry's yelp of distress when he'd fallen and this time it was an… oddly similar sound. Sitting up and looking around for the source of the weird cry, Lily's gaze quickly fell on Harry. His cloak, which he'd been using as a blanket when they'd sat down on the couch, was now balled up on the floor from when he'd thrown it off. Harry himself was curled up, tossing and turning rather violently. He'd slid down the couch in his sleep so that his head now rested on the cushions rather than the back or arm of the sofa and Lily couldn't help but think that was probably for the best with the way he was throwing his head around. But the worst part by far was the awful, pained whimpering sound he was making. Every time it slipped out past his pale, slightly parted lips it was like a knife going straight into Lily's heart.

Lily flung herself off of the couch and knelt on the floor next to Harry, not entirely sure what to do, but desperate to help.

"Shhh- It's okay, Harry," she whispered, more for her own benefit as Harry didn't really seem to be in a state to hear much of anything. She reached out her hands to try and stop his thrashing, but he only seemed to fight harder when she did so, so she quickly let go. Instead, she brought a hand up to brush away the sweaty hair that was plastered to his forehead, her thumb ghosting over the old scar there. "Shhh- It's okay. You're gonna be okay," she told him, holding back her own tears as Harry only whimpered in response and tried to roll away from her.

Suddenly, Harry brought his hands up, seeming to claw at the sides of his head as his whining seemed to get just one notch louder and more desperate. Flashing back to what had happened the other week in Transfiguration, Lily recalled how James and Sirius had had to hold Harry's arms down in order to stop the boy from hurting himself. She hastily tried to pull his arms back down, but Harry was just too strong for her to be successful from such an awkward position. With an exasperated huff aimed mostly at herself, Lily gave up on the effort and instead, stood and climbed up onto the couch behind Harry's head. Carefully, she maneuvered herself into a sitting position and pulled Harry up so that his head was now resting in her lap. With the new positioning, Lily was able to slide her arms between Harry's own and his neck, applying pressure until she was able to break his grip. Once he'd let go, Lily quickly locked her arms around him, pinning Harry's to his sides. She pulled him up a little further to give herself a bit more leverage and so that they were resting a little more comfortably, Harry essentially leaning back against Lily's chest now.

Thankfully, after they had settled into the new position, Harry seemed to calm down a little bit. His thrashing slowed until he finally stilled, and the pained whimpers stopped. All the while, Lily held him and whispered sweet nothings in his ear. Eventually, an air of peace seemed to settle around Harry and he let out a contented sigh which Lily echoed.

And then, in the blink of an eye, Harry was gone. When his warm weight suddenly disappeared from her chest, Lily looked down, started and frightened, only to find a little fawn curled up in her lap, its small head resting comfortably on her leg. And for a second time that night, Lily's heart broke. She might not know a lot about animagi, but Lily was smart enough to put two and two together and know that the tiny creature in her lap was Harry. But even smaller and more innocent. Hesitantly, she reached out a shaky hand and rested it on the little deer, feeling his soft fur as he took a deep breath and then nuzzled a little into her leg.

Oh, god! Lily just wanted to snatch him up in her arms and whisk him away to someplace where nothing could ever hurt him.

Lily recalled from their lesson on animagi a few years ago that a wizard's form was supposed to be 'whatever most suited him', but she found herself hard pressed to be convinced that this little fawn was what most suited her strong, powerful, amazing friend. It just seemed all wrong. And it hurt to think that maybe she didn't actually know Harry like she thought she did. But just as that thought crossed her mind, another one quickly overtook it. It hurt even more to realize that such magic cannot lie and that this form was undeniably somehow representative of or suited to her friend. And that was what sent the first tear rolling down Lily's cheek as she looked mournfully at the sleeping fawn in her lap.

James and Sirius were locked in a hushed, but heated debate. They were both crouched low underneath James' invisibility cloak, heads bowed together to argue as they stood huddled just beside the portrait of the Fat Lady outside of Gryffindor tower. Wormtail was resting atop Sirius' shoulder.

"They haven't moved since we pulled out the map- they're probably asleep," Sirius said.

"But why are they even in the common room at all?" James pressed.

"Harry knows that we come back around dawn- do you really think that he went and got Lily just to- what? Get us in trouble? Come on Prongs- get your head out of your arse. Even on his worst day Harry wouldn't try and do something like that," Sirius insisted.

James sighed, his shoulders slumping a bit. "I know," he admitted, a little ashamed. "But what if they wake up or something? What will we tell Lily?" James worried.

Sirius scoffed, "Like she wouldn't readily believe that we were up to any random tomfoolery that fell out of your mouth."

"I guess that's fair…"

"Look- I can go in first and see what they're up to if you wanna hang back under the cloak? You can just slip in behind me before the portrait closes. That way, even if they do wake up, you're in the clear," Sirius offered.

"You don't have to-"

Sirius cut him off. "Prongsy- I know how much you wanna remain in Evan's good graces. It's not a big deal. No sweat- really." And before James could try and continue their worthless argument, Sirius slipped out from under the cloak. He whispered to Wormtail, "You should probably get down and just run through- we'll meet you up in the dorm." The rat carefully climbed down Sirius' robes and skittered across the floor over to the edge of the soon-to-be portrait hole.

Sirius woke the Fat Lady and gave the disgruntled painting the password, quickly climbing through once she swung open, making sure to step aside as he entered so that James could follow behind, unimpeded. But when he looked up to survey the common room, Sirius was met with Lily's angry, tearstained face, her eyes narrowed as she glared at him.

James whipped the cloak off, not caring about the secret or not getting in trouble any more. "Lily- What's wrong?" He asked urgently.

Lily didn't even notice James' sudden appearance because she was so focused on staring down Sirius. "You knew," she growled at him.

Sirius took a little step back under the ferocity of Lily's piercing glare, even though he was already on the other side of the room from her. Swallowing nervously, Sirius dared to ask, "Knew what?"

"Bambi," she hissed. "You always call him 'Bambi'."

As those words registered, James and Sirius rushed forward, recalling who else was supposed to be in the common room, according to the map. They reached the back of the couch Lily was sitting on and their eyes took in the full sight of 'Bambi' where he laid curled up, sleeping in Lily's lap.

"Shit-" Sirius breathed.

While James asked, "What happened?"

Lily rubbed at the dried tears on her face. She wasn't even sure why she was so mad at Sirius, but when she'd seen his face and heard that stupid nickname echo around in her head, the newfound meaning behind it had made her furious.

"I fell asleep down here and caught Harry trying to sneak out in the middle of the night. He said he couldn't sleep, so we sat up together for a while and ended up falling asleep. He had another nightmare," Lily's voice took on a sad tone as she added that last part. "So I tried to calm him down and keep him from hurting himself. Eventually, he settled down, but then he just- changed," she finished, looking down with once again watery eyes at the little fawn in her lap, as she recalled the ordeal that led them to this place.

"He can't control it," James said, as some dismal attempt at an explanation.

"Well, he's damn well gonna need to learn if he keeps insisting on sleeping in places that aren't his bed," Sirius said angrily.

"So this has happened before?" While Lily knew they knew, it was also nice to have it confirmed.

James nodded. "That's actually why we missed breakfast last Saturday. We woke up and found Bambi instead of Harry in his bed. Scared the pants off of us. But we spent the rest of the morning trying to help him change back."

"That's actually not why I call him 'Bambi'," Sirius said, in an oddly detached voice. "I started calling him that long before he ever turned into a deer. The name just seemed fitting after watching him stumble out of the forest that first day we met him. The rest was just a weird coincidence," he said, a little sadly.

"Wait- this only just happened last week?" Both boys nodded. Lily wasn't sure if that made anything any better or not.

They all froze as the sound of footsteps plodding down the stairs was heard. Desperately, Lily reached down and snatched Harry's cloak off of the ground and tossed it over her lap. While it wasn't the slyest of cover ups, at least there was no longer visibly a deer in the middle of the common room, even if there was clearly something in Lily's lap. All three of them held their breath as they stared intently at the end of the stairs leading up to the boys' dormitory. A shadowy figure emerged from the darkness and they all let out a collective sigh of relief. It was just Peter.

"What are you guys doing?" He asked, looking intently amongst all three of the people gathered around the couch.

"We have a bit of a situation," Sirius told him, looking pointedly over at Lily. Well, Sirius was actually looking at the lump in her lap, but Peter couldn't see that from where he was standing.

Peter rushed over, his mind already whirling as he quickly started stringing together a cover story that might get James and Sirius out of any trouble. He was so distracted that he wasn't paying attention as he hurried across the room, resulting in him catching his foot on one of the side tables by the couches and knocking it over as he himself fell to the floor. The ensuing clatter had everyone wincing in sympathy. It had also woken Harry, who scrambled to jump to his feet at the loud noise, but found himself wrapped up in the dark cloak and unable to get his footing. Lily gasped as Harry's hooves dug into her legs as he fought to get free. Panicking, the little deer flailed a bit before flopping off of the couch, banging into the coffee table (earning another round of winces from the group), and then hitting the floor. After another moment of thrashing, he managed to throw off the cloak. Once he was free, Harry bolted.

"Was he wearing his glasses?" James asked hurriedly, looking around frantically as he tried to spot where Harry had run off to.

"What?" Lily asked.

"When he fell asleep- was he wearing his glasses? It's gonna be a lot harder to calm him down if he can't see," James explained.

"Uh- Yeah. I'm pretty sure he was still wearing his glasses," Lily said after racking her brain for a moment, trying to remember.

"Good. That's good," James said distractedly.

Lily and Peter both got to their feet and joined the search. Soon enough, Sirius loudly whispered, "Oi!" And jerked his head towards the small library nestled in one of the corners of the common room. The three others all converged on him. "I think he's behind that chair in the corner," he told them quietly.

"Lily- Do you think you could try and talk him into coming out?" James asked, a little hesitantly. "He probably just panicked when he woke up under the cloak and the deer instincts took over, but he should be able to understand you just fine once he's a little calmer." Lily nodded and started walking slowly towards the chair Sirius had indicated. "Pete- can you keep lookout for us?" Peter nodded too, turning to face the two staircases that lead to the dormitories. James himself walked over towards the portrait hole and grabbed his discarded invisibility cloak, just in case.

Meanwhile, Sirius watched on as Lily lowered herself to the floor. She was now laying on her front, peeking behind the chair that was nestled in the corner of the room.

"Hey, Harry," she smiled warmly at the fawn from her awkward position. Harry raised his head from where it had been pressed down against the floor and looked curiously over at Lily. "I'm sorry we scared you like that. There was just a cloak over you in case someone walked into the common room before you were awake and could change back," she explained. "Do you think that you can come out and join us? James, Sirius, and Peter are here too."

After a moment, Harry nodded and Lily scooted back to give him the space to creep out from behind the chair. Lily sat up as Harry came over and stood next to her. He looked up at James and Sirius, cocking his head to the side.

"Do you think you can change back?" Sirius asked, a little tensely. They were officially pushing it on no one walking in on them.

Harry closed his eyes from a moment, clearly trying to concentrate, before he opened them once again and shook his head dejectedly.

"That's okay," Sirius tried to soothe him at the clearly distressed look on Harry's face. "We just- uh- really need to get you out of here before someone comes and finds you."

Harry nodded in understanding before hanging his head. It really was a depressing sight.

"We're probably gonna have to carry you, if that's okay. It's pretty late and we're liable to run into someone in the hallway, so it's not a good idea for you to just walk up the stairs," James said, knowing Harry wasn't going to like it, but it was the truth.

Harry just nodded his head again, not even bothering to look up.

Sirius bent down in front of Harry and then said over his shoulder, "Can you go grab his cloak? We can use it to cover him."

James returned a moment later with the requested item and Sirius gently draped it over Harry before scooping him up. Once Harry was settled in his arms, Lily came over and tucked his head in, whispering, "Just until we get upstairs." Once that was done, the little deer was once again successfully turned into a only mildly suspicious lumpy bundle. Which, honestly, wouldn't be questioned too much in Sirius' arms, even if they did run into any company.

The group then made their quick, but smoothe way up the stairs and into the 6th year boys' dormitory where Sirius gently placed Harry down on his bed. He then carefully unwrapped the cloak from around him and Harry settled himself into a more comfortable position, looking up at everyone once again. Lily walked over and hopped into the bed next to him, seating herself so that her leg was resting against Harry's side.

"You really do make a cute fawn," Lily said, watching as Harry's ears flattened at her use of the term 'cute' to describe him. "Awe- don't be like that. Fawns are supposed to be 'cute'- even the guy ones." Lily reached a hand out to pet the little deer and although Harry's ears flattened again, he didn't try to move away or shake her off, so Lily took that as a positive sign. Soon, Harry put his head down, resting it on the covers, and closed his eyes. The others weren't sure if it was a good or bad idea for him to fall asleep again, but what was he gonna do? Get more stuck? It didn't seem worth it to try and fight it if that's what Harry wanted to do. Besides, he needed to be relaxed in order to change back and that definitely wasn't going to happen if someone was poking at him, trying to keep him awake. "Do you guys wanna go to class? I don't mind staying with him," Lily offered quietly after a little while.

James shook his head. "Nah, that's okay. What's one more detention?" He joked. "Besides- we all have Barlow first thing and for one, it'd be more awkward for half of us to show up and try to explain why the rest aren't there- particularly when no one is in the hospital wing and we are trying to keep the professors out of our business. And for two, I'm pretty sure she'll be lenient with us if we just tell her that it was a rough morning and apologize for not being in class."

Lily nodded at that. The guys all pulled up a chair and the four of them chatted mindlessly about easy topics while Lily continued running a soothing hand down Harry's back and they all just waited for him to change.

It happened maybe a half hour later. One moment, Lily's fingers were running through Bambi's fur and the next, her hand was resting on Harry's jumper clad back. When he shifted back, Harry found himself laying on his front, his head resting on his folded arms, with his knees curled up beside him, pressing into Lily. Harry blinked his eyes open and then jerked away as it all came rushing back to him.

Shit, Harry thought. Lily had seen him and he'd lost control again. He'd really fucked up. No, no, no! And how on earth did 'Bambi' make his way back? He was gone and Harry wasn't going to think about him and… Harry was so wrapped up in his own racing thoughts that he didn't hear his friends at all as they called out to him, asking if he was okay, and what was wrong. His arms snaked around himself once again and Harry tucked himself into a tiny ball in the corner of his bed.

"Oh, no you don't, Harry," Lily said as she bodily dragged him out of the corner, running her hand up and down his back. "Hey- whatever it is that's going through your mind- it's gonna be okay. You'll get through it. We're gonna make sure you get through it. But we can't start doing that if you run away again," Lily reprimanded gently. After a moment of receiving no response from Harry, Lily pulled out her wand and conjured an ice cube. She whispered, "Sorry," into Harry's ear before proceeding to drop it down the back of his shirt.

That got an immediate response. Harry let out a little shriek and literally jumped out of bed, causing the other guys to jump back as well, dragging their chairs with them in order to get out of his way. Harry danced around for a moment before managing to shake the ice cube loose. It tumbled out of his shirt and onto the floor.

Harry whipped around and glared at Lily. "What the hell was that for?"

For her part, Lily didn't look a tinge regretful about her actions, despite her earlier pre-apology. "You were shutting down again," Lily said calmly. "Seemed best to just nip it in the bud, even if it may have been a bit- uncomfortable."

"Oh," Harry said, his anger quickly fading. "Uh- Thanks, then, I guess," he said a bit confusedly, bringing a hand up to rub at the back of his neck. Looking around, Harry noted the odd configuration that they had set up and it finally struck him that Lily was in his bed. "How long was I out?" Harry asked hesitantly.

"Only like a minute or two," Lily told him.

"Then- Uh- Why are you in my bed?" Harry asked, point blank, very confused.

The others just stared at him, now a little concerned. Because Harry had been fully coherent as Bambi after he got over the initial shock. He'd responded to their questions and everything.

Sirius furrowed his brow and asked, "Harry- What do you remember about this morning?"

Harry leaned back against the edge of the bed and thought about it. And then it all came back to him once again. As the realization struck him, Harry slid down the side of the bed until he came to rest on the floor. Lily panicked when she saw the look on Harry's face as he slowly collapsed. She shot to the edge of the bed and quickly climbed down to sit next to Harry on the ground.

"Hey- Harry- It's okay. Please don't make me get more ice," she joked desperately, pleading.

Harry let out a little snort from where his head was tucked into his knees, which allowed everyone to relax a touch. "I'm still here," he assured her. "Please, no more ice," he tried to joke back, but his voice shook a little too much for it to come across quite right.

"Harry- What's wrong?" Lily begged. It was terrifying to see him like this. Harry didn't answer.

But that just wasn't going to cut it any more. This had gotten to the point where they were either gonna sort some shit out right here and now or they were gonna have to involve the higher powers because Harry couldn't function like this. Hell- he quite literally wasn't functioning like this.

"Does all of this have to do with what happened in Transfiguration the other day? Because you seem to have been kind of struggling since then," Sirius ventured to guess.

And that was true enough, but not because of the visions.

Harry shook his head. "I warned you before- that my brain just short circuits sometimes. Mind you- I didn't think it'd happen quite so literally- but do you believe me now?" He finally looked up and met Sirius' eyes. "I'm just broken."

There was a heavy moment of silence that filled the room.

And then Harry continued, "But I had long since made my peace with that. I was fine until all of this 'Bambi' nonsense started! I never had nightmares about my relatives or frightened baby deer or stupid shit like that. At the very least my time was spent worrying about actual problems- power hungry lunatics with wands and no moral compass and people dying and stuff. At least it makes some fucking sense to cry over the Cruciatis curse," Harry said, scowling down at his knees.

"You really don't think you're allowed to be upset if someone wasn't literally torturing you?" Sirius asked. "Harry- You've barely told us anything about your relatives, but from the little bit that we've heard you already have more than a right to be angry and hurt. And I'm almost certain you've only told us the most pleasant and sugar coated of all of the details."

Harry just shook his head again. "I've also long since learned that it's just not worth the energy to get worked up about all that. My problem is Bambi," Harry insisted.

"No- your problem is that those lunatics somehow beat it into you that you are unlovable," Sirius said angrily.

James jumped in, adding, "Harry- they didn't just torture you- they poisoned you. And that's just as bad- if not worse!"

James lost Harry with that one. Of all the shit the Dursleys had pulled they'd never actually poisoned him- well, at least not fully/intentionally. There had been a few dicey incidents with some spoiled bits of food he'd been made to eat, but those didn't really count.

Harry's confusion must have shown on his face because James went on, "At least torture is straightforward and has an endpoint- the caster lifts the curse. But what they did to you was plant a bunch of awful seeds, watered them with cruelty, and then sat back and watched them grow. To the point where no one had to tell you that you were unlovable because you 'could figure it out for yourself'. I would argue that that is much more sinister- and long lasting. They poisoned you and the way you think."

"No," Harry said, "they didn't. You don't understand-"

But then Sirius tagged in. "You shouldn't be grateful that they didn't just let an infant die on the street. When they took you in that should have come with some baseline expectations- like proper food, shelter, and care. But they seemed to have biffed it pretty hard on those despite having proved themselves more than capable of providing it for your cousin by the sound of it. And no one should ever be told 'not to exist'," Sirius said.

"But I shouldn't!" Harry cried. "I should have just died as a baby and saved everyone the trouble. And I know that's 'disrespectful to my parent's memory and sacrifice' to think, but it's also true. So many people have suffered and died because of me. No- it's worse than that. I led them all to their deaths. They were right about me. They were right to protect themselves from me. It would be better off for everyone if I just didn't exist." Harry's chest was heaving.

"Harry, you're-" James stopped himself and took a deep breath. "Have you ever thought about suicide?" After the Snape/Moony incident the previous year, Remus had been in a very dark place for a while. And, unfortunately, it had gotten to a point where he'd wondered if the world would be safer without 'Moony'. Thankfully, it hadn't gone much beyond fleeting thoughts for Remus, but James had learned just how important it was to ask that question.

Harry let out a slightly hysterical laugh. It wasn't funny- absolutely none of it was. James had spoken the words calmly and the look in his eyes was deadly serious, but something about the phrasing he'd used had sounded to Harry kind of like a suggestion- as if they'd been at dinner and James had looked over his menu to ask, 'Have you thought about trying the lamb?' But Harry knew what he'd meant. Pulling himself together, Harry said, "No," as definitively as he could muster at that moment. "Plenty enough people want me dead without adding myself to that list. I'd hate to think that I made any of their lives easier by helping them out with that."

And that was true. Maybe it was a little sad that one of his main motivations to live was just to piss people off, but Harry had to work with what he had. And he was honestly pretty sure that if he were a person that was generally more prone to that type of thinking, he wouldn't have made it to sixteen. Harry knew his brain chemistry probably wasn't quite right and that a proper psychiatrist could likely come up with all kinds of fancy terms for what was wrong with him, but he also knew that when he found himself in a situation where one person might think about killing or hurting themselves, his own brain just checked out. It muted everything but priority number one on his survival hierarchy. And it was pretty hard to plan your suicide when your brain was turned off. Maybe it was due to that basic survival instinct that was so ingrained in him. When he was a kid, he'd usually 'check out' when he had to go a week without food or something, but the other day, the reaction seemed to have generalized to try and protect him from his own dark thoughts. It was honestly a miracle that it hadn't happened after Sirius had died. But maybe that was because he'd just let his anger drown everything else out.

While Harry wrestled with his thoughts, the others were wrestling with Harry's statement. While they were fairly confident that he hadn't been lying about his answer, it was scary that the question had even needed to be asked. And hearing Harry insist that he 'shouldn't exist' had very much necessitated the question. It hadn't even crossed most of their minds that Harry might have been thinking that way and it was terrifying to think that they could have missed the signs until it was too late. And then there was the 'why' Harry had given, which was also very unsettling. Although, they had to admit that it was very 'Harry'. Not wanting to give someone the satisfaction of his death- living out of spite. While Harry was a super nice person around his friends, he was also incredibly antagonistic sometimes. So they could sadly believe that his second statement had also been all too true.

"Harry- You shouldn't view your life as something to be lived out of spite or obligation. And whoever used the memory of your parents as a guilt trip against you like that is an insensitive toerag," Lily said adamantly.

Harry couldn't help the faintest hint of a smile that pulled at his lips hearing Lily say that.

"And they were not right about you," Sirius growled. "Not only were you a baby and therefore not able to be at fault, but you are not a bad person. Bad things- tragic things- happen to good people. And dying for someone versus dying because of them are two very different things- you can't control the first one. And I find it hard to believe that you've been running around casting killing curses."

"Just because I didn't cast the curse doesn't mean that I'm not to blame," Harry said flatly.

"If someone burst in here right now trying to kill Peter and hit me instead- would it be his fault that I died?" Harry squeezed his eyes tightly shut, turning away. "Or if you'd died in the Hogsmeade attack- would you want us all blaming ourselves for 'leading you to your death'? For dying while trying to save us? Do you blame Remus for you getting hurt?" Sirius pressed.

"I was the reason we were there that day- not you," Harry reminded him roughly.

"But it was our idea to go up to the post office- a place you probably never would've gone otherwise. If we'd stayed in the lower town, we probably would've all gotten away unscathed," Sirius argued.

Harry shook his head. "You can't know that."

"And that's the point! We all make a thousand decisions a day that could potentially lead to our deaths or to someone else's or nothing bad at all or an infinite number of other possibilities." Sirius threw his hands up.

There was a moment that was just filled with Sirius' heavy breathing before James asked calmly, "Harry- who is Cedric?"

Harry snapped his head up to look at James. "Please- Don't ask me that," he begged with a pained expression. This was exactly why he preferred to sleep with a Silencing spell up. When James just continued to look at him expectantly, Harry said firmly, "He has nothing to do with this."

It was James' turn to shake his head. "How I follow, it's all got to do with this. You said that Bambi was your problem, but Bambi is only a 'problem' because you don't consider yourself worthy of love, which was something that your relatives taught you and you have come to believe because you think you're some kind of walking grimm for those around you. So if we're gonna solve your 'Bambi problem', then I think it makes the most sense to work backwards, don't you?"

It may have 'made sense', but that didn't mean Harry wanted to do it. But at the same time, Harry really didn't think he could go on much longer as he was. Bambi had managed to completely ruin him in less than two week's time to the point where he now found himself basically crying on the dormitory floor for the second time in the past week. Bambi needed to be dealt with- no matter how much Harry didn't want to do it.

After a long pause, Harry said, "I killed my godfather last year."

There was a stifled intake of breath that swept around the room at his words. "So, he was your godfather then?" James asked cautiously.

"No," Harry shook his head. "You said you wanted to work backwards. So if we are starting with my most recent sin, then that wouldn't be Cedric."

"What happened?" James asked with a hint of fear creeping into his voice, but he pushed through it.

Harry hung his head. "I ran off and did something stupid. He came after me and wound up dead for his trouble," he summarized.

"Were you two close?" Lily asked gently.

Harry paused for a moment to consider that question. His impulse was to immediately say that yes, of course they were. Harry loved Sirius. But as he thought about the younger version of the man sitting directly across from him on the floor, Harry realized that he had learned a hundred times more about Sirius in the past few months than he had in the past few years with his actual godfather. "I only met him a few years ago," Harry told Lily, forcing himself to look at her because he couldn't stand to look at any of the guys while he spoke. "And we didn't really get to spend a lot of time together- but he was a really good person. He was the only family I had left." Harry swallowed hard, desperately trying to keep himself together.

"I'm sorry," Lily said, bringing her hand up to rest on Harry's back.

Harry was so desperate to change topics that he blurted out, "Cedric was just a guy I knew." And then he cringed at how callous that description was. Harry hated to think that he was minimizing how good of a person Cedric was, but calling him a 'friend' felt dishonest in a way that reminded Harry that he wasn't worthy of such a title. "I mean, we were friendly, but it would be kind of a stretch to call us 'friends'. He was a couple of years older than me," Harry rambled a bit before saying, "He was only killed because he was standing next to me." Kill the spare. "They killed him out of convenience to get to me. You can't tell me that his death was not directly related to the fact that I was there. At a place- mind you- that I had convinced him to come with me to."

"Did you know that there was going to be someone waiting there to try and kill you?" Sirius asked.

"No- but that doesn't change-"

But Sirius cut him off. "Yes, it does. That is the difference between luring someone into a trap and falling into one yourself."

"I burned a man to ash with my bare hands when I was eleven." Harry wasn't even sure why he was now trying so hard to convince them that he really was a bad person. That he was guilty and deserved to be punished. There he was, sitting with some of the few people in the world that he valued the opinions of above anyone else's and he was telling them all of his darkest and most shameful secrets. Showing them just how bloody his hands really were. Maybe it was because the only thing that Harry worried about more than being evil was being crazy. So he needed them to understand that he wasn't crazy.

Surprisingly, it was Peter- who Harry had all but forgotten was still in the room- who bucked up the courage to ask in a frightened voice, "Wh- How?"

"I never fully grasped the mechanics of that one even though someone tried to explain it to me. It was some kind of magical reaction between my mother's sacrifice and the man that killed her that made it so that the guy he was possessing couldn't touch me?" Harry's voice rose at the end of the confusing statement turning it into a question. "They tried to tell me it was the 'power of love' that did it, but I'd hate to think that that's what love does." Harry shuddered, still able to recall exactly how Quirrell's face had felt crumbling underneath his hands, hearing the man's tortured screams.

Everyones' heads were spinning, overloaded with so much new, disjointed information. No wonder Harry had a complex the size of Greenland about 'love'- so far in his life he'd been shown very little of it and those few that did offer it seemed to die in a Harry-related incident soon after. And then someone had gone and tried to convince him that what must have been one of the most horrifying and traumatic events in his young life- killing a man, even if it was in self defense, as it sounded- was somehow an act fueled by 'love'. No wonder he was terrified of it. Not only did Harry not think he deserved it, but he probably didn't even want it if that's what he'd been taught that love got you- blood on your hands a lot of early graves.

"While that's- awful," it was the only word Lily could think of for the thing that was just described, "you are supposed to defend yourself. That's why there's an entire class devoted to it in school."

"But I didn't just defend myself. When I realized it hurt him to touch me, I grabbed onto him and didn't let go. He didn't have to die that day, but I still killed him." Harry's hands were shaking as he stared down at where they rested on his knees.

"Just because you didn't start a fight doesn't mean you're not allowed to end it," Sirius said harshly, finally drawing Harry's eyes to him for the first time since Harry had mentioned his godfather. "It's the same as with a duel- you may have not thrown the first curse, but once somebody attacks you, you are expected to return in kind. So, while you shouldn't AK a guy for tripping you, if someone casts a cutting curse at you, you're allowed to cast one back. You don't just have to duel to survive, you know- you're allowed to play to win," Sirius said emphatically. "And, unfortunately, life is messy and sometimes people get hurt."

"You really think I have no culpability for the collateral damage around me?" Harry asked angrily.

"So, what? Self exile is the answer?" Sirius spat back before trying to pull himself together. He was pissed, but yelling at Harry wasn't going to help anything. "I don't think that's really fair to you or to those around you."

Lily jumped in, seeing the tempers flare and wanting to reign things back in a bit. "I already told you, Harry- you don't get to choose how other people feel about you. Cutting them out will only hurt them- and yourself. And if we're following all of this back to the main issue, it doesn't really seem to be about ability, per say- given the sheer amount of guilt and grief you clearly feel about all of this, you obviously are quite capable of the emotions. It's about acceptance. You need to accept that people do love you and that that's okay. You don't need to spend the rest of your life punishing yourself for things that only Fate can control. 'Love' isn't a dirty word and bad experiences don't make you a bad person."

"But I'm not a good person," Harry cried. "Even right now I'm choosing to hide out here instead of facing my problems. I'm letting other people suffer and deal with them while I'm off pretending to be someone I'm not. I'm a bloody self-serving coward. I don't deserve to be protected or loved. Bambi shouldn't exist and I hate that he does. He is a slap in the face to every single person who has suffered for my sake just for me to turn out just as needy and helpless as I was the day my parents died. It's pathetic. And none of it changes the fact that I'm still going to get you all killed one day!" Harry was getting very worked up.

"Harry-" Lily said gently, as she laid her hands on top of his where they were now tangled in his hair. "Nobody can promise that they won't die someday without being a liar- those are just the terms we all have to agree to in order to get the opportunity to live. They are a package deal. Care and worry, love and grief, life and death- they're all just two sides of the same coin. And that is why we have to cherish all of the time we can possibly get with the good sides- because those memories help us through the time with the bad. And you are not helpless. I'd personally argue that you're actually a little too independent. Accepting that you need help and support sometimes isn't a weakness. It's not pathetic. You are an incredibly strong person and Bambi represents just one small- but necessary- sliver of who you are." Lily put as much sincerity into her voice as she could, needing Harry to really hear her.

When Harry spoke, his voice sounded much more even, but it still carried with it a slightly dead tone. "I really don't know how I got here- but I should at least be trying a lot harder to get back. But the truth is- I don't really want to go back, despite knowing how I left everyone and everything. And that does make me a bad person," Harry admitted.

"You're not a coward for seeking refuge. Like always, it seems, you're a survivor," Lily insisted. "Just like Bambi can be your little break from being the strong, brave person you are every day. Letting yourself breathe is a good and necessary thing. Put your own mask on before assisting others and all that," the other boys looked very confused at the muggle reference and Harry couldn't help the tiniest hint of a smile at their perplexed expressions, even in the midst of such a serious conversation. "Think of it like a vacation, if you want. Everybody needs a little vacation once in a while," Lily said, bumping her shoulder into Harry's in an attempt to lighten the mood just a tad.

"Some holiday this is," Sirius scoffed. "Hellhounds and homework- how relaxing!"

"Sounds like a regular Tuesday," Harry flashed him a small, strained smile.

"Good thing it's Friday then," Sirius grinned back.

Harry clenched his fists and brought them up to rub at his eyes. Despite the fact that he hadn't actually cried, his eyes still felt puffy and irritated. Harry felt warm arms settle around him, as Lily leaned over and gave him a comforting hug. And as if a dam had broken somewhere deep inside of him, a wonderful warmth suddenly flooded Harry's body.

Lily nearly toppled over when Harry suddenly disappeared from her grasp. She'd been leaning over to hug him, so without his body to support her, she was forced to quickly catch herself in order not to fall over and crush the little fawn now sitting in Harry's place.

Harry blinked confusedly up at the startled and slightly worried faces around him for a few seconds before he realized what had happened. So many thoughts instantly clouded his head that Harry couldn't actually pin any one of them down long enough for it to become anything even approaching coherent. Harry shook his head to try and clear it. It was like his very thoughts were trying to crush him- choke him- and Harry just wanted to escape.

So he stood up and crawled into Lily's lap. Harry laid down and basked in the warmth. Lily was so shocked that Harry had not only shifted, but then had voluntarily gotten even closer to her, that she found herself frozen for a moment as her brain caught up with reality. But then she relaxed and brought a hand down to rest against Harry's side.

Harry let the tidal wave of thoughts and emotions ebb and flow through him while he remained focused on the warmth and comfort of Lily. It was nice and it made all of that other stuff hurt just a little less. And while it still wasn't pleasant to be buffeted about by his own negativity, it also didn't feel like it was going to drag him under anymore. Lily was his life preserver and while she was there Harry just knew that he wouldn't drown.

Eventually, Harry knew that he needed to get up. He'd allowed himself to drift in his own choppy sea of emotions, clinging onto Lily as though his life depended on it for an indeterminate amount of time, but long enough that the rough waters had died down quite a bit. At least to the point that he was fairly certain he could swim on his own.

Harry raised his head and stretched a little, gaining everyone's attention. He then climbed out of Lily's lap and returned to his original spot on the floor beside her. Closing his eyes, Harry concentrated on his mental image of a magnet in his chest that had worked for him once before and was pleasantly surprised when he felt a familiar odd, cold feeling sweep through him and he found himself back in his own body pretty quickly. Harry opened his eyes and found his friends looking at him anxiously.

Harry turned to Lily and said, "Uh- Thanks." It was definitely a little embarrassing that he had climbed into her lap like a toddler, but it's not like he could've just hugged her when he was a deer.

"Anytime," Lily said with a kind smile.

"Are- Uh- Are you okay?" James asked hesitantly, not really sure where they went from here.

"Yeah," Harry said, giving James the most genuine smile that he had in a long time as he crossed his legs underneath him. "I wouldn't say I'm 'peachy' or anything. And I'm sorry about unloading so much onto you guys. But I think I got it all back to manageable- I'm not about to check out again or anything," he promised.

"Bloody hell- Why do I feel like your version of 'manageable' just might make the rest of us explode?" Sirius said as he brought a hand up to rub at his temple.

Harry gave him a wry smile before asking, "What time is it?"

"Almost 10," James supplied.

"Shit. I'm sorry guys." He must have been out of it for a while.

"No worries," James tried to reassure Harry.

"How do you wanna play it for the rest of the day?" Sirius asked.

Harry thought for a moment. Well, they'd basically blow through first period, so that just left Defense, lunch, and Herbology. "I'm not so sure that I should go to Defense," Harry admitted. "I feel like I might be one wrong look away from doing something I really shouldn't and an hour and half with Slytherins throwing curses at me just might push it over the edge."

"Fair enough," Sirius allowed. "Do you want us- or some of us- to stay with you?" He offered, both not wanting to leave Harry alone, but knowing that he might want some time to himself after the morning they'd had.

"Isn't someone liable to come looking for us pretty soon?" Harry asked. After all, none of the Gryffindors had turned up to Care of Magical Creatures class that morning with zero explanation. And Barlow was the type to care enough to ask questions. Harry wouldn't be that surprised if McGonagall came up to check the dorms after first period ended and their absence was inquired about.

"Yeah, but we can find someplace to hang out where they won't find us," Sirius assured him with a wicked little grin.

But Harry shook his head. "I don't need to get you guys into any more trouble. You've done enough. When I first got here, someone explained to me 'class, hospital wing, or detention'- those are your options during the school day. And I don't know about you lot, but I don't really fancy a detention, so I guess that just leaves the hospital wing," Harry shrugged. "Since I hardly have a reputation as a hypochondriac, I doubt Pomfrey will ask too many questions- even if I don't look sick. Plus, if I tell her that you guys were helping me out this morning, it might get us all a free pass for missing class," Harry added.

"Awe- You're really willing to brave Pomfrey for our sakes?" Sirius asked, sounding overly touched.

"For all of our arses- yes. Count yourself lucky," Harry warned. "You guys should go get dressed so that you're not late to class."

And so they all slowly dispersed and got ready. Lily made quick work of getting changed and grabbing her bag before returning to the guys' dorm. Harry didn't bother to get properly dressed. If he was going to be most likely spending the rest of the day in the hospital wing, then he might as well be comfortable. He just threw a set of robes on over top of his pajamas, just so that he wasn't so blatantly out of uniform if they ran into somebody in the hallway or something. Harry ducked into the restroom after the others had finished up in there to use the loo and when he looked at himself in the mirror, he realized that it wasn't going to be a very hard sell to Madam Pomfrey that he wasn't feeling that great. His hair was even more disheveled than usual, his face was pale and his cheeks and eyes were tinged red in contrast to the dark smudges under each eye. There was even a small cut on his slightly swollen lip from where Harry had been unconsciously worrying it for the past few hours.

Back out in the dorm, everyone was soon ready to go. Although they would now be pushing it on time, the others insisted on walking with Harry all the way to the hospital wing before heading to class- even if that meant that they risked showing up a little late as a result. They'd settled on the cover story that Harry had had another panic attack. It was honestly close enough to the truth that Harry felt his current symptoms fit with the story rather well and there would need to be little embellishment or acting on his part. It was also the best they could come up with to explain why they had missed the entirety of first period and not gotten a teacher. If Harry had just been ill or something, then somebody should have just gone and gotten Pomfrey well before an hour and a half had passed. But if Harry had been freaking out and then an emotional wreck, it was a little more understandable (and hopefully excusable) that they had all panicked and hadn't wanted to leave him.

They had just made it to the fourth floor when the passing period began. Everyone quickend their pace a little, not wanting to get caught up in the rush near the main stairs, as they made their way down the quiet corridor to the hospital wing. Pushing the heavy doors open, the small group of Gryffindors stepped into the wing. Harry was surprised to see Professor Barlow talking to Madam Pomfrey at the back of the room when they entered. He spared a moment to hope that everyone from their class was alright- they were on their 'dark and dangerous creatures' unit, after all.

At the sound of the doors opening and footsteps, both women looked up. Harry saw both relief and concern flash across their faces as their eyes fell on the approaching group of students and they moved to intercept them.

"There you are," Barlow said as she made her way towards them. "I must say- I was rather worried when none of you showed up to class. And I hope you don't take offense, but with you lot I figured that I best check the hospital wing before raising the alarm. It appears that I may have been half right in my hunch." Her eyes roamed over the group and she found herself just thankful that no one appeared to be bleeding or anything.

"Sorry, ma'am. It's my fault," Harry said, rubbing at the back of his neck. "I- Uh…" He trailed off, looking down and away.

Lily placed a comforting hand on his back and said softly, "Harry had another panic attack this morning. We were just with him, trying to help." Harry gave her a small, but grateful smile. Even when it wasn't totally true, it was still hard for him to say.

Barlow's concerned look turned immediately sympathetic. "I'm sorry to hear that. But if you'd like to drop by my classroom at the beginning of lunch, I can give you a quick rundown of what you missed. I have to run now to meet my next class, but I hope you're feeling better soon, Mr. Doe." And with one last sad smile, Barlow returned to Pomfrey's office, presumably to floo back down to her own.

"Right, then. You four should be off to class as well." With a wave of her wand, Pomfrey conjured a slip of parchment. "Here's a note in case you are a little late since I know the passing period is almost up. Mind you- that pass will go blank in ten minutes, so no dawdling on your way," she warned with a pointed look at James, Sirius, and Peter as she handed the note to Lily.

"Thank you, ma'am," Lily said as she tucked it into her pocket. "We'll see you later, Harry. Get some rest." The sentiment was echoed by the other boys and then they were herded back out into the corridor to make their way down to class.

Once they were alone, Pomfrey said, "Come on, Harry- let's have a look at you. Pick a bed."

Harry just wandered over to the nearest one. The wing was pretty empty right then with only one bed at the back of the room currently occupied- by Remus, Harry knew. But he wasn't quite ready to face his friend and the sure to follow questions the boy would have.

"I really am okay, ma'am," Harry told Pomfrey as he took a seat. "I just- I think going to Defense would've been a bad idea. Both for me and the first person to try and throw a hex at me." Harry brought a slightly shaky hand up to run through his hair. "I'm sorry to waste your time for the sake of an excuse," he apologized.

"Harry- you are not wasting my time," Pomfrey said firmly, casting a few diagnostic spells just to confirm his self-diagnosis. Thankfully, besides his temperature being just a hair higher than normal, all did indeed seem well. "I'm just proud of you for acknowledging that forcing yourself to go to class would not have been productive. Now, can you tell me what happened? Do you know what triggered it this time?" she asked calmly.

Harry sighed, rubbing at his forehead. "It's just- been a hard week. And I guess it all just kind of came crashing down this morning. It wasn't any one thing- it was everything all at once."

Pomfrey just hummed in response to show that she was listening. She knew he didn't need or want any platitudes like she may have offered one of her other patients.

"You'll be happy to know that they actually did make me talk about it this time," Harry told her and Pomfrey raised an eyebrow. "That's what took so long- why they didn't drag me here right away. It was-" Harry paused, searching for the right word to describe how it felt to finally get some shit off his chest. He definitely wouldn't call it 'fun' or 'good', but even 'unpleasant' or 'awful' didn't seem like the right word either. And something like 'productive' seemed like a bit of a stretch. "A step," he settled on.

"That's good, Harry. That's very good," Pomfrey smiled at him.

"It's exhausting is what it is," Harry groaned. "All I've done is sit on the floor all morning, but I feel like I've been running stairs or something instead."

"Mind, body, and magic are all connected- you cannot stress one without taking a toll on the others," Pomfrey reminded him. "Now, rest."

Harry had been a little worried about falling asleep in the hospital wing given his recent less-than-stellar track record with spontaneously changing into Bambi, but after twenty minutes laying down and staring at the stone ceiling, Harry rationalized that of all the people to potentially learn his animagus secret, Pomfrey was actually the most likely one who might actually agree to keep it. Plus, Harry really was tired. His thoughts were still a whirlwind in his head, playing and replaying everything that had happened that morning over and over again. And now that he'd checked himself into Madam Pomfrey's loving care, sleep was one of his very limited options for a distraction. So Harry allowed himself to drift off.

He awoke- thankfully still fully human- much later in the day. If the tray on the bedside table was any indication, he'd slept straight through lunch. Harry was a little startled when he found Remus sitting beside his bed.

"Hey." Remus gave Harry a slightly tentative smile. He knew Harry was probably still mad at him, but when he'd woken up and seen his friend was also in the infirmary, Remus' desire to be there for him had overruled his fear that Harry wouldn't want his support right then. If Harry asked him to go away, he would respect that, but he wasn't about to make the assumption for him.

"Hey," Harry said tiredly, sitting up and rubbing at his face before putting his glasses on and glancing over at Remus. His face was definitely a little pale and drawn, but he seemed relaxed and comfortable enough considering that it was the day after the full moon.

Leaning forward a little, Remus asked with an edge of worry in his voice, "How are you feeling? Are you okay? Pomfrey wouldn't tell me what happened- just said that you were 'resting'."

"I'm fine. I really just didn't want to go to Defense, so I came here instead," Harry shrugged.

Remus' eyes narrowed just the slightest bit. That statement had sounded so… very un-Harry. Ditching what he considered to be their most important class and voluntarily spending time in the hospital wing instead? Something was very off…

"What happened? Why didn't you want to go to Defense?" Remus asked anxiously.

Harry looked at Remus carefully, trying to decide how much he wanted to tell him right then. Harry knew that the other boy would find out eventually, but he wasn't sure that he was ready to rehash it all just to get his friend up to speed. After a moment, Harry glanced surreptitiously around to make sure Pomfrey wasn't lurking about near them and then leaned in a little himself and told Remus in a low voice, "Lily found out about Bambi."

Remus' eyes grew wide and he gasped, "How?"

"I ran into her in the common room last night and I guess we fell asleep. And I- uh- must have shifted in my sleep again. But I woke up and kind of freaked out again and it took a while for me to change back. And when I finally did, I guess I kind of freaked out again and I just- going to class seemed like a bad idea. The last thing I need is to be turning into a deer in front of all of the Slytherins… Pomfrey thinks I had another panic attack- which is just about true," Harry finished dismally.

"Merlin," Remus breathed. "How did Lily react to…" He didn't have to say it for Harry to know exactly what he meant.

"I- Uh- I honestly don't know," Harry admitted. Now that he thought about it, he really should've been more concerned about the secret getting out. And not only his secret, but the other guys' as well. He'd been so caught up in himself that he'd kind of forgotten about all the rest of it in the moment. "We didn't really talk about it. I mean, she stayed with us while I got sorted out and was really nice about everything- like she always is. But- I just kind of lost my shit and I think everyone was a little more worried about that than the animagus thing, honestly."

"What happened?" Remus asked hesitantly.

Harry sighed, his shoulders slumping. "It's not that I don't want you to know, but I just don't think I can go through it all again- at least, not right now. I'm sorry. But if you can just wait and ask the guys later?" Harry asked, his voice harboring a desperate hope.

"For sure," Remus said quickly, not wanting to upset Harry, who was clearly still on edge.

"Thanks," Harry sighed, relaxing just a titch. A moment later, he said, "I'm sorry for getting so mad at you the other day. I overreacted and took some stuff out on you- you didn't deserve that."

Remus offered Harry a smile. "That's okay. I really shouldn't have been prying like that. We're all entitled to our secrets."

"Well, I went and blew all of that out of the water," Harry muttered to himself. "You were just trying to help. And I know that I'm not very good at accepting it- or talking about things in general. But I guess I just wanted to let you know that I do appreciate it- even if I didn't in that moment." Harry fumbled his way through, internally cringing at how he sounded. But Remus didn't look upset by his ungraceful delivery.

A much more comfortable silence fell over the pair for a while until Remus broke it to say, "You probably should eat," he nodded at the tray on the table beside Harry's bed, "before Pomfrey comes over here and starts yelling at you for not taking care of yourself and me for distracting you." Harry let out a little snort, but reached over and grabbed the tray. The food had been under a Stasis charm, so it was still warm when he took the cover off. Remus just quietly sat with Harry as he ate, both of them a bit lost in their heads.

Halfway through the meal, Harry paused and suddenly asked, "What do you think Moony would think of Bambi?" He wasn't sure why, but Harry felt like he really needed to know.

Remus looked surprised by the question, but slowly answered it all the same. "In general, werewolves are not really bothered by animals- or animagi. The only real difference to him is the intelligence. I think that's why he was so accepting of Padfoot, Prongs, and even Wormtail. Werewolves don't have the same general predator/prey drive that normal wolves do. Their instincts are solely focused on humans- that's a large part of why people are so afraid of them. The only real way to distract a werewolf is to throw someone else in its path. But I actually think that Moony would like Bambi. He doesn't often get to meet nice animals like that, but I think he likes it when he does. Makes him feel less like a monster. And he wouldn't try and hurt you or anything like that while you were Bambi."

Harry listened intently as Remus spoke and when he finished, a thoughtful expression settled over his face as he slowly began eating again. Moony would like Bambi- that thought made Harry feel just a little bit better about everything.

Not too long after Harry finished eating, James, Sirius, and Peter turned up indicating that classes were done for the day. They were pleasantly surprised to find Harry and Remus casually chatting when they entered the wing.

"Awe, man- you guys picked a good day to be sick," Sirius gripped. "Fortin had us doing 'agility training'- but it was just running laps with the added bonus of people throwing things at you. It's a good thing it was a short lesson or else I think Wormy may have just passed out and had to come join you layabouts," he teased. "Ugh! And then Kerner introduced us to the most vile smelling plant on the planet. Worse than Bubotuber pus, if you can believe it. It was like a toad died in cow dung and then was left to rot inside of the pods of that thing- yick!" Sirius stuck his tongue out in disgust.

"It was pretty bad," James agreed. "I suggest you bring a nose plug to the next lesson, Moony. Heck- I think we all probably should."

"Are you guys ready to be sprung?" Sirius asked.

Remus shrugged, "You know that's up to Pomfrey, not us."

"But what grounds does she have to keep you here?" Sirius asked, indignant on their behalf.

"I know you are not questioning my authority in my own wing," Pomfrey said sternly from right behind Sirius. The boy jumped and shrank to the side a little, getting out of the matorn's way. She shooed the visitors to the off in order to talk to her patients in private. "Now, if you both are feeling up to it, I would be willing to let you go and rest in the dorms. But I want an answer based on how you feel, not what your friends may want."

Harry and Remus were able to convince her that they were fine to be released, so she gave them one last check before sending them on their way to Gryffindor tower with strict instructions to take it easy for the weekend.

As the boys made their way through the halls, Harry nervously asked, "Uh- What did you guys tell the rest of the girls? About what happened this morning, I mean?"

James looked over at Harry with what he hoped was a reassuring smile. "We just told them the same thing we told Pomfrey and Barlow. Figured it should be your decision whether or not to tell them or what details you may wanna give or leave out if you do."

"Oh," Harry was a bit taken aback by how- considerate that answer was. And then he promptly felt like an arsehole for thinking that. "I'm sorry for blowing it with Lily," he told them, dejectedly.

"What do you mean?" James asked, brow furrowed.

"It took me less than two weeks to ruin a secret that you guys have kept perfectly hidden for years," Harry said angrily, though he was only mad at himself.

"Harry- you didn't ruin anything," James said, trying to calm him down. "For one, she only found out about you and has no reason to suspect the rest of us. And if anything, she was mad that we knew and didn't tell her. I really don't think she's gonna go telling anyone else though- even the other girls unless you told her she could."

Harry looked up at James when he said that. "You would let me tell the other girls?"

James shrugged. "Like I said- it's your secret and you can tell who you'd like whatever you'd like. Now, I think we'd all prefer if you left our names out of the explanation for how it happened, but- I don't know- maybe the girls could even help with it. It's really up to you."

Harry mulled that over as he walked. Remus was a bit shocked to hear James say that and it just made his burning desire to know all of the details of what exactly had happened that morning increase another few notches.

When they reached the tower, they said hi to the girls in the common room briefly before heading up to their dorm.

"You've gotten your proof of life, now Harry and Remi have to rest- mediwitch's orders!" Sirius called out over his shoulder as he shepherded them away and up the stairs.

Once they reached their room, Harry decided to go take a shower since he hadn't gotten to that morning. The second the door to the bathroom closed behind Harry, Remus whipped around to face the others and demanded, "What the hell happened this morning?"

And so the other three explained it all to him, ending with Sirius saying, "So, yeah- apparently it was Bambi that's had Harry all fucked up. Well- Bambi and a fuck ton of emotional baggage to go along with him."

"Merlin." Remus sank down onto the nearest bed. "I can understand why he didn't want to rehash it for me. That's-"

"A lot? Awful? Horrifying? Devastating? Traumatizing even just to hear? Take your fucking pick," Sirius growled.

"But what are we supposed to do about it?" Peter asked, gaining everyone's attention.

The room got quiet as they all considered it. They had finally gotten what they wanted and Harry had opened up, but now they were facing a situation- partially of their own creation, not that they new where this path would lead them when Sirius had asked Harry if he wanted to become an animagus- in which the four friends- for all they had been through together- were completely out of their depths.

"Well," James said slowly, "I know it's not really the same thing- but in a roundabout way it is kind of like Moony, right? Harry fancies himself something of a monster- dangerous to those around him. And he doesn't think that he's allowed to be vulnerable or that he's worth protecting. So we've just got to convince him otherwise. Like Lily told him- you don't get to choose how other people feel about you or control how they act. So we simply refuse to play into his self-deprecating narrative. Like we did with Moony- wear him down until he accepts it. Harry's 'furry little problem' is just a lot cuter than yours Moony," James teased.

"The damn kid probably doesn't even realize that his power to melt hearts just increases tenfold when he's Bambi," Sirius shook his head.

"And I think we need to find a way to help him have a positive experience while he's Bambi," James added thoughtfully. "So far he's spent basically all of his time terrified and stressed. It's no wonder he's only calm enough to transform when he's asleep. He needs to relax and have a little fun. And that might also help him realize that being Bambi is not the worst thing in the world," James said. "I mean, Pete- you weren't thrilled about being Wormtail until you realized how handy it can be and stuff, right?" Peter gave a little nod of concession.

"Challenge accepted," Sirius said with a hint of the usual mischievous glint returning to his eyes.

Harry slipped out of the bathroom a little later and ran over to his trunk, cursing himself for forgetting to bring an extra set of clothes with him to change into after his shower. It was bloody cold in the dormitory and felt that much worse in sharp contrast to the warm, steamy air he'd just left. Harry hurriedly got dressed and turned around to find everyone watching him with varying degrees of concern.

"It's cold," he huffed before casting a tempus to see how much time he had before dinner. Since they'd had a free period instead of class for the last slot in their schedule that day, there was still almost an hour until they had to head down to the Great Hall. "I need to go talk to Lily."

Sirius looked like he wanted to protest Harry's leaving, but he managed to bite his tongue.

"Do you want us to wait up for you for dinner?" Remus asked instead.

Harry shook his head. "That's okay. I'm sure I can just head down with her- hopefully." He added that last part under his breath. While Lily had been very nice about things this morning, there was still that little bit of doubt and insecurity niggling at the back of Harry's brain telling him that she was just waiting to reject him. That she was just nice enough to wait until they were in private to tell him how she really felt about everything. And even though Harry knew she wasn't like that, he still couldn't help the small bit of worry curling in his gut.

But Harry steeled himself and headed down to the common room in search of Lily. He was a little disappointed to not only not find Lily there, but none of the 6th year girls. Looking around the room, Harry searched for someone that might be able to help him. Spying a familiar face, Harry headed over to the couches where a group of 7th years were spread out.

"Hey, Beth," Harry said, tapping the girl lightly on the shoulder to get her attention.

Beth jumped about ten centimeters in the air before whipping her head around to glare at Harry. "Blimey! Harry- you can't sneak up on people like that," she groused, even as a playful smile tugged at her lips.

Harry rolled his eyes. "Next time I'll be sure to knock over a lamp or two on my way over," he promised.

"Thank you," she said, inclining her head in gracious acceptance before turning back to face her friends and saying, "Some people," jerking her head at Harry. "What's up?" She asked more seriously.

"I was just wondering if you'd seen Lily- or any of the 6th year girls recently?" He asked hopefully.

"Sorry- I can't say I have," Beth shook her head, glancing around at her friends just in case any of them had, but there were similar shakes all around.

Dang. Well, there went the easy option. "I- uh- know you're busy and everything, but is there any way you might be willing to run up and check if she's in the dorm for me? I just really need to talk to her about something…" Harry said, a bit embarrassed to have to ask. While he understood completely why guys weren't allowed in the girls' dorms, sometimes it was just really inconvenient.

"For sure- no worries," she said, already standing up. "Is it just Lily you want?"

"Uh- Yeah," Harry nodded.

"Okay." Beth turned back to look at her friends threateningly. "And nobody touch my shit while I'm gone. Joe- I'm holding you personally responsible if anything is out of place when I get back," she warned, pointing a finger at the boy she had been sitting next to. He gulped and nodded vigorously in understanding. "Good. I'll be right back," she told Harry pleasantly and then headed for the spiral staircase up to the girls' dormitory.

Harry was left to stand awkwardly next to the group of 7th years. Besides Beth, he really didn't know any of them beyond vaguely recognizing their names and faces.

"So, Harry- how've you been liking Hogwarts?" Joe asked after a prolonged, uncomfortable silence.

Harry started a bit, not expecting anyone to try and talk to him. "Oh- uh- fine. I mean- it's really nice here," Harry stammered.

Joe frowned a bit at Harry's response until the girl sitting on the next couch over leaned across the gap and thumped him upside the head. Ananya, Harry was pretty sure her name was. "Ignore him. His brain turns off the second classes end and it will not be making another appearance before 9am Monday morning," she told Harry, giving him a look as if they were sharing an inside joke, but Harry was just left a little confused. "You got any plans for this weekend?"

"Not really," he shrugged, thankful for the softball question if they were going to force him to talk. "I wouldn't be surprised if even quidditch got canceled with the way it's snowing right now. Or, perhaps I should say- I hope Beth takes pity on our souls and cancels practice with the way it's snowing right now."

"Well, we'll try and put in a good word for your souls with her," Ananya smiled. "You know- there are apparition classes this weekend. Maybe we can convince her that you guys should have the opportunity to go to that instead of freezing your arses off," she pondered. "We've been trying to convince Timmet here that he should get his license. He's the only hold out in our year." Ananya nodded towards a boy with dark, curly hair and thick rimmed glasses who was already vigorously shaking his head before she'd even finished her sentence.

"Nuh-un. No way. You are never going to convince me, so just give it up Ann," he said adamantly, crossing his arms petulantly over his chest.

"Why are you so against apparition?" Harry asked curiously. He personally couldn't wait until he was seventeen and could get his license and never have to mess with the blasted floo network ever again.

Timmet looked at Harry incredulously. "Haven't you heard about all of the horrible ways it can go wrong? I'm not about to risk splinching myself to save a couple of seconds when I can just take the floo or walk anywhere I need to go. I quite value having all of my bits right where they are, thank you very much," he said firmly.

"But all magic is dangerous when you don't know how to do it. That's why we have classes and basically spend seven years learning how not to blow ourselves up. Look up the history of any spell- even something like a Shield charm or a Tickling hex and you'll find horror stories about people miscasting them and losing a limb or burning their hair off or something. Now- I'm not saying that you have to learn to apparate or anything. If you prefer to travel by floo- good for you. I personally hate it- I always end up with a mouthful of ash and laid out on my arse on the other side. I'm just saying that rationally, you shouldn't be any more scared of apparition than you are of any other spell you don't yet know how to cast and control," Harry told him.

The 7th years all stared at Harry for a moment before Ananya's face broke into a grin. "That is a very good point, Harry. And one that had not yet been brought up. Looks like Timmy doesn't even have a rebuttal. Nice work!"

"You know- the class is also open to anyone who turns seventeen by the end of the school year," Joe said.

"My birthday isn't until the end of summer," Harry sighed. "Guess I'll just keep falling on my arse until then." The others laughed.

Just then, Beth and Lily joined them, eyeing the laughing crowd. Seeing them approach, Ananya said, "Beth- you should've introduced us sooner- Harry just out reasoned Timmet!" Beth gave Harry an impressed look.

As Beth moved forward to reclaim her spot on the couch, Harry's eyes met Lily's. "You wanted to talk?" Lily asked.

He nodded. "It was- uh- nice to meet you guys," he told the 7th years before turning to join Lily. "If you wouldn't mind- could we find someplace a little more- private?" Harry asked tentatively.

"Sure. I know somewhere we can go," Lily nodded and grabbed Harry's hand to lead the way. One of the 7th years let out a wolf whistle as Lily pulled him away, causing Harry to bush, mortified at the implication, and Lily to whip around and furiously glare at them. Harry ducked his head, wanting to just disappear even as he heard the undeniable thump of someone getting smacked for doing it.

Lily didn't speak as she led Harry out of the portrait hole, down a couple of flights of stairs, and along a few winding corridors. They finally came to a stop and Harry actually recognized where they were. Lily had brought him- to the prefects' bathroom?

Lily whispered the password and the door swung open to reveal a familiar large room with a row of stalls on one side and essentially a swimming pool on the other with hundreds of glistening taps all along its edges.

"Um- Why are we in the loo?" Harry asked hesitantly.

"Because this is one of the only doors that properly locks in the castle and the only one that I know of that doesn't discriminate based on gender," she said simply. "And I'm guessing that what you wanted to talk about you didn't want overheard." She looked at Harry for confirmation. He nodded mutely. She really was thinking quite a few steps ahead.

To Harry's surprise, Lily made her way over to the tub and turned on one of the taps. Frothy lilac water came pouring out of it and began filling the pool. In the same magic way it had the last time Harry was in this room, the vast bath only took a few minutes to fill, despite the fact that only one small tap was running. Once the water had risen to her desired level, Lily cut off the tap. She then sat down on the edge of the pool and proceeded to pull her shoes and socks off and roll up her pant legs before sliding her feet into the warm water with a contented smile.

"It's kind of weird bathing in here because the bath is so ridiculously big, so sometimes I just like to come and treat it like my own personal pool instead. Or a spa," she said as she kicked her legs, splashing around and stirring up the pleasant smell of lavender. "It's nice. You wanna join me?"

Realizing that he was staring, Harry shook himself and made his way over to carefully sit down next to Lily. After a moment's hesitation, he followed her lead and soon slid his own feet into the warm water. Harry had to admit- it did feel rather good. His toes were almost always cold in the winter, even through his socks and shoes, but the water was just the right temperature that it felt hot, but not to the point where it burned or you felt like breaking out in a sweat. It was just what Lily had said- nice.

"I'm sorry about this morning," Harry finally said into the humid, floral air. He went on, "I'm sorry I shifted and probably freaked you out and then proceeded to basically fall apart and tell you about all of the horrible things I've done and I really wouldn't blame you if you didn't want to talk to me anymore after this and then I-"

"Harry!" Lily said a little too loudly for it to have been the first time she'd tired to get his attention. Harry turned towards her and found Lily looking at him intently. "I'm not upset about any of that. Yes- I may have been a little startled when you suddenly turned into a deer. And worried when you were 'falling apart' as you put it. But you didn't do anything wrong and nothing that happened or that I heard this morning changes anything about how I see you. The only thing that has changed is that I got to know you a little better. Not everything about a person has to be pretty. It's the flaws and scars that make us interesting. They make us human." Lily rolled up her right sleeve and showed Harry her forearm. "You see this one? I got it when my sister pushed me off the jungle gym at the park when we were kids. And you know what I did? I stood up and pushed her right back and she ended up falling and breaking her arm instead of just getting a scratch like me. Not very noble of me, right?" She snorted.

"Are you going to tell anyone about me?" Harry asked in a small voice. He hated to ask, but he needed to know.

Lily pursed her lips. "No," she said finally and Harry sagged a little in relief.

"Thank you," he said gratefully. "And at the very least, I am sorry for making you keep secrets for me. Particularly ones that are illegal. I never intended to put you in a position where I would have to ask you to lie for me, but I just can't have the ministry involved in my life right now. It would be bad for me and a lot of other people. And everything would just turn into a much bigger mess than it already is. I hope you can understand that- even if you might not agree with my choices," he said earnestly.

Lily sighed. "I do get that. I might not know all of the details, but it's clear enough that your life was very complicated and dangerous before you showed up here. And even though you don't seem to think so, you do deserve a little safety and protection and I don't want to do anything that might jeopardize that for you. So, my lips are sealed. Though, I'm hoping it's still okay to talk about it with you and the other guys? And I'm assuming Remus knows too?"

"Yeah- Remus knows too. And I'm assuming the guys are catching him up on everything that happened this morning, so yes, you can talk about it with them." Harry paused before adding, "James actually suggested that maybe I should tell the other girls too, but I'm not so sure…"

"Is that because you don't want them to know or that you're worried that the more people that know, the more likely it is that someone spills the beans?" Lily asked.

"Neither, actually. I really do trust them and I'd hope that they would keep my secret, but like I said- I don't want to ask people to lie for me. To make them accomplices. Even if I would barely call myself an animagus considering I can't actually control the transformation at all. Pretty poor showing if you ask me," Harry said derisively.

"Stop that," Lily scolded. "Everything has a learning curve," she reminded him in a kinder tone. "And if that's all you're worried about with the others, then why not just ask them? Let them make that decision for themselves?"

That was such a boldly straightforward solution that Harry never would've thought of it. "How do you even ask something like that?" He wondered warily.

"Well, if it were me, I'd say something like, 'We found out what's been bothering Harry and he doesn't mind sharing it with you, but before he does, he wanted to warn you that it's kind of heavy and relates to some legally questionable things, so you can choose if you actually want to know or not. He doesn't want to force anyone to lie for him, but if you want to know, you are going to have to promise to keep it a secret.' Or something like that, but from your perspective," Lily shrugged. Harry gulped, already feeling nervous about the very idea of it and it must have shown on his face because Lily asked, "Do you want me to ask them for you? I don't mind. I've been told before that I have the gift of gab, so I might as well get some use out of it," She winked. Harry nodded shyly, feeling like a little kid again, who didn't want to go present in front of the class. "I'll ask them tonight then and let you know what they say."

"Thank you," Harry said in a small voice.

"I know how hard talking about this kind of stuff must be for you, so I'm happy to help however I can. I'm just glad you're finally letting us in a little. I was getting tired of worrying and I'm ready to start caring again," Lily smiled. Harry swallowed hard at that and Lily leaned over and wrapped him in a sideways hug. Harry stiffened for a brief second before caving and leaning in. "It really is gonna be okay," Lily said softly, resting her cheek against the top of Harry's head.

And then, Harry was gone again. Bambi dropped half into Lily's lap and half splayed out on the floor. He scrambled to get up, but his hooves couldn't get any real purchase on the slick marble floors, so as he pushed off of Lily, trying to stand up, he slipped, fell down, and slid right over the edge, splashing down into the pool.

Harry panicked. He wasn't a very strong swimmer on a good day and he wasn't even sure if deer could swim. He couldn't imagine that those wobbly legs that could barely hold him up on land were going to do him much good in the water. On instinct, he opened his mouth to yell (or bleat, probably more accurately), but just ended up taking in soapy water. He kicked in a desperate attempt to find the surface, but it didn't feel like he was making any progress. If he'd been able to control the shift, he could have just transformed back and stood up and been fine, but he was very much not in a state where that was an option at the moment.

"Harry!" Lily shouted as the little fawn disappeared below the frothy surface of the bath. Without a second thought, she jumped into the water. Harry kicked her in the shin almost as soon as she got in, which thankfully let her know where he was. She dove under the surface and made sure to get a firm grip on the flailing deer before pulling him up and heaving him back onto the smooth, stone floor on the side of the pool. She quickly pulled herself out as well and then scooted Harry much further away from the edge. The fawn was letting out painfully hacking coughs. "You're okay, Harry. That's it. Get it all out. Just breathe." The words all came out in a rush as Lily hovered over him, not sure what she could do to help at this point.

Harry laid in a wet heap and just kept coughing. Lily's mind was whirring. At this point she didn't know if she should take him to Pomfrey or Barlow- and either way, there was going to be a lot of explaining to do. "Please- Harry- Can you look at me?" Lily said desperately. The fawn raised his head a little bit and opened his big, green eyes to look blearily at Lily. She could have cried in relief at seeing him respond like that. "Is there any way you can change back?"

Harry let out a couple more grunting coughs as he closed his eyes. It took him over a minute with how his concentration kept slipping, but eventually Harry managed it and found himself laying on his side in the middle of a giant puddle in sopping wet robes. He pulled himself up into a sitting position and got out, "Thanks," in a hoarse voice. Harry knew he wasn't underwater for very long, so he couldn't figure out why he was struggling so much to get his breathing back under control. "I really gotta-" He was cut off by a cough, "stop doing that," he wheezed.

"What? Turning into Bambi whenever I hug you or nearly drowning? Because I really hope you're not making a habit out of the second one," Lily told him. Harry threw her an unamused look. Lily cast a couple of Drying charms on Harry and herself and then the floor around them for good measure. Their robes had retained a lot of water that had basically flooded the room and the last thing they needed right now was one of slipping and cracking their heads open on the floor. "Do you think you can stand?" She asked, eying Harry critically.

He nodded and then took the offered hand and got to his feet on slightly shaky legs. Harry ran a hand through his extra messy, spelled dry hair as he fought a losing battle not to cough again.

Once she was confident enough that Harry wasn't about to collapse, Lily sighed, "Come on- You've earned yourself another date with Madam Pomfrey." She gently grabbed Harry's arm to guide him towards the door, but Harry shook her off.

"No," he protested, though it came out sounding more like a whine. "I wasn't even in the water a full minute," he said pleadingly, turning his sad, doe eyes on Lily.

But she shook her head and stood her ground. "And I'm not having you dry drown or some other such nonsense because you think you've already met your quota for the infirmary today." The two stared each other down for a moment. "If you can make it down one flight of stairs without coughing, I'll consider reevaluating," she allowed. Harry didn't even make it to the door before losing that challenge, let alone down more than three steps. So Lily smugly dragged him off to the hospital wing.

Madam Pomfrey had been eating her own dinner when the doors to the infirmary opened. She tossed a Stasis charm over her food before stepping out of her office to greet whoever had just entered her wing. She couldn't help but feel exasperated when her eyes fell on Lily and Harry. But then she heard Harry let out a nasty cough and her heart clenched. She had just given Harry a clean bill of health not three hours prior- it simply wasn't possible that he'd managed to get sick in that amount of time.

"Oh, Harry," she sighed, bracing herself to ask, "What happened?"

"He took on some water and hasn't been able to stop coughing since," Lily told her while guiding Harry over to one of the beds.

"And how exactly did that happen?" Pomfrey asked with narrowed eyes. She could tell when she was being fed a deliberate half story.

Lily bit her lip, knowing that they were probably going to get in trouble for what she was about to say. "I was showing Harry the prefect bathroom and he fell into the bath," she admitted.

"Ms. Evans!" Pomfrey cried, scandalized. "I never would have expected such behavior from you," she tutted.

"It wasn't like that," Lily insisted. "I just like to go in there and put my feet in the water- it's relaxing. And so I wanted to show Harry, but when he stood up, I guess with the wet feet on the marble floor- he slipped." Harry was impressed with the quick lie. Maybe there was a reason Lily and James ended up together after all.

Pomfrey still looked skeptical, but she turned her attention back to Harry, who was coughing once again. "How long ago did this happen?" She asked.

Lily glanced down at her wrist, not even sure what time it was now, let alone when Harry had fallen in. She muttered a curse when she realized her watch had stopped, but then a thought occurred to her. "My watch stopped at 6:03, so that must have been when I jumped in after him," Lily told Pomfrey. And that was another point towards them being fully clothed during the incident.

Pomfrey nodded, casting a few spells. "And Harry- how do you feel? Anything besides the coughing?"

"A little tight," Harry wheezed, motioning towards his chest and throat.

"I'll be right back with something that should help, okay?" Pomfrey said more kindly before shuffling off to one of the store cabinets at the back of the wing.

"You should go to dinner… before they send a search party," Harry told Lily.

But Lily didn't want to leave for a number of reasons- not the least of which was that she didn't want to have to explain to everyone how Harry had almost drowned on her watch. But she also really didn't want to leave him alone. She had the weird desire to sit there and watch him breathe all night, just to reassure herself that he was okay.

Pomfrey returned with two potions. She handed the first one to Harry, saying, "This should help relax the muscles in your airway and let you breathe a little easier. Essentially, the muscles spasmed in an attempt to keep the water out, but they are having trouble relaxing again now that the danger has passed." Harry nodded and accepted the vial. "This one," Pomfrey said, holding out the second vial, "will help clear up any water that may have gotten into your lungs."

Harry dutifully took that potion as well. He let out a little sigh of relief as he could already feel the first one working. The next second, Harry rolled over, away from Lily and Pomfrey, and coughed rather violently into the crook of his elbow, feeling a small wet patch form where he'd used his robe to cover his mouth. Rolling back over, he groaned, "You could've warmed me it'd be coming right back up."

Pomfrey almost laughed. "Where's the fun in that?" She smirked, but she conjured Harry a glass of water to sip and sooth his likely sore throat. "Now, Ms. Evans- you ought to go catch dinner before it ends," she said, turning towards Lily.

"Can I stay?" Lily asked hopefully.

But Pomfrey shook her head. "I'm sorry dear, but you have to go eat. You may come back and visit for a bit before curfew if you'd like, but I cannot have you skipping meals," she said firmly. Lily slumped, knowing that there was no arguing with Pomfrey. "And I feel I should warn you both that the circumstances around this incident will have to be reported to your Head of House, so I would suspect a summons to discuss the details and any potential repercussions with Professor McGonagall sometime this weekend." Lily and Harry both nodded, heads hung low- which was kind of ridiculous, since they hadn't actually done anything wrong. Well, perhaps there was some rule on the books about non prefects not being allowed to use the prefect bathroom, but that didn't feel like anything too serious. The situation just looked bad on paper.

Lily was sent off to her task of explaining what had happened to the rest of the Gryffindor 6th years. As expected, they did not react well.

"You drowned him?!" Sirius all but yelled.

"I didn't drown him. He fell in. I actually pulled him out- thank you very much," Lily hissed back.

"He 'fell in' on your watch!" Sirius insisted angrily.

"You're one to talk," Lily scoffed. "Do you really wanna start keeping score on that? Because I'm pretty sure you lot would be winning by a landslide if we tallied up every time Harry ended up in the hospital wing 'on your watch' versus someone else's," she warned, scowling.

That shut Sirius up, though he still glared at Lily. Deep down, he knew it wasn't her fault, but he was mad and she was the only one around to blame.

"It's not my fault that he's the most goddamn unlucky person to ever exist…" Lily muttered bitterly into her stew, viciously stabbing at a potato. Everyone silently agreed- even those who only knew the half of it.

They all hurriedly finished their meals in tense silence, waiting just long enough for Peter to shove a couple of rolls into his pockets for later before briskly exiting the hall. The group made their way quickly up to the infirmary where they were met with a resigned Madam Pomfrey.

"He is resting and I don't want you waking him up. You may all go visit him for ten minutes, but then I will only allow four of you to stay until curfew and only if you are respectful, calm, and quiet," the matron warned the anxious Gryffindors. It was honestly a better deal than they had expected her to offer, so they all readily agreed.

Thankfully, the wing was mostly empty and Harry was pretty easy to spot once they walked in. As his yearmates gathered around his bed, it struck them just how exhausted Harry looked, even as he slept. His face was pale and slightly pinched, with what seemed these days to be ever-present dark circles under his eyes standing out starkly now that they were not hidden behind his glasses with his bright green eyes drawing the focus away from them. It was both funny and sad how the faint smell of lavender hung in the air around Harry's bed, tickling the visitors' noses.

After their allotted ten minutes, Pomfrey came over to ask half of the group to leave. Gretta, Milli, and Haleigh all stood up, assuming that the guys would want to be the ones to stay. But Lily, who had conjured up a chair right next to Harry's bed, looked up at the boys sitting along the other side of the bed with pleading, almost teary eyes and whispered, "Please- can I stay?" They nodded quickly, seeing the desperation in her eyes behind her request. They bowed their heads together briefly before coming to the quick consensus that Remus and Peter would head back now so that Sirius, James, and Lily could stay, keeping the visitor count under four but also not ditching anyone. "Thank you," Lily told Remus and Peter earnestly as they rose to leave with the others. They nodded in acknowledgement and understanding before walking away.

The remaining three sat there in silence for a long time before Lily said quietly, "He didn't just slip and fall." She hadn't looked up from where she had been staring at Harry, so she missed the shocked expressions on James and Sirius' faces at her admission. "We were sitting there, talking, and I hugged him and it happened again. Bambi slipped and fell in- and I don't think he can swim. Or he was just confused and panicked, like before," Lily added, still not looking away from Harry as she spoke.

Well, at least that answered one of the questions that had been rattling around in the guys' heads since Lily had told them what had happened- or at least, a version of what had happened. They had all been afraid to ask 'Why didn't he just stand up?' when they'd heard that Harry had almost drowned in a bathtub.

"Fuck." Sirius leaned back, rubbing at his face as he took that in- picturing the awful scene in his head. Unfortunately, he could see it all too clearly- the terrified little deer drowning, Lily's own likely panic at the situation, trying desperately to help Harry change back while he was sick or injured enough to require a trip to the hospital wing. His appreciation of Lily doubled in that moment and a pang of guilt hit his chest as Sirius recalled his harsh words over dinner. And he was forced to add another tick under the column labeled 'Bad Experiences as Bambi' while the 'Good' column remained barren as ever. Sirius sighed.

James didn't even know what to do with that information, but Sirius seemed to have summed all of his feelings up nicely, because fuck- what were they supposed to do about all of this? He liked to fancy himself a problem solver and someone not easily deterred when chasing a goal, but this whole situation was forcing him to reevaluate that self perception. Because when it came to Harry, it wasn't one problem that needed solving or working through. Or even a few things that they could make a list and tackle. It was everything. And though he hated to admit it, the situation felt a little futile because you just can't fix everything. It's an impossible task- even thinking about it was overwhelming, let alone facing it. James hung his head.

Lily hovered. Her whole body was tense as she watched Harry sleep. She wanted desperately to reach out and touch him- to run her fingers through his soft hair and hold his pale hand and to reassure both him and herself that it was going to be okay. But at the same time, she was terrified to do it. Terrified that he would flinch back or run away. Terrified that he would shift and wake up frightened once again- and that it would be all her fault. Terrified that her hand would pass right through him as if he were already a ghost. So instead, she hovered- her eyes trained on his chest as she intently watched it rise and fall with every peaceful, sleeping breath.

Eventually, Madam Pomfrey made her way over and gently reminded them that it was almost curfew and that they best be heading back to Gryffindor tower. Reluctantly, James, Sirius, and Lily left, promising Harry's sleeping form that they would be back first thing in the morning.

The next morning, all of the Gryffindor 6th years were up early. It had been a rather restless night all around. Lily had kept her promise to Harry and talked to the rest of the girls after she'd gotten back from the hospital wing. Of course, all of them had immediately agreed that they wanted to know what was happening with Harry- legality be damned. They were all hard pressed to believe that Harry had done anything that bad- especially considering that Lily clearly knew about it and was able to get past it. Seeing her sit at Harry's bedside had shown just how deeply Lily cared for him, even knowing whatever this illicit secret was. So the girls were left laying in bed late into the night, their heads reeling with different potential options for what was wrong with Harry, and ever growing worry for their friend. The guys had laid awake, haunted by the truth.

So they all headed down to breakfast bright and early, despite it being a Saturday morning. They were all bleary eyed and offered one another tight smiles as they nibbled on their food. Lily was just about to call it quits and head up to the hospital wing to see if Pomfrey would let her visit Harry again when a voice behind her made her jump.

"Lily- I need your help."

Everyone's heads snapped up from where they'd all been staring dismally down at their food and Lily whipped around. Harry took a flinching step back at the sudden intensity of everyone's combined gaze on him.

"Erh- sorry. I didn't mean to startle you," he offered, putting his hands up in surrender, not sure quite how to interpret the expressions around the table.

Remus was the first one to recover and said, "We just didn't expect Pomfrey to let you out so soon."

"Oh- I'm fine. It really wasn't that bad. I'm sorry that I fell asleep so early yesterday though- Pomfrey told me that you came to visit while I was out," Harry said, a little embarrassedly.

"We're just glad you got some rest," Remus smiled. "And that you're feeling better."

"Thanks," Harry said with a small smile of his own before he turned back to face Lily once again. "So, would you mind helping me with something?" He asked, looking Lily directly in the eye, trying to convey what he meant without saying it.

"Sure," Lily replied softly, still seeming a little shell-shocked at Harry's sudden appearance. "Now?" She asked, pulling herself together a little more.

"If you wouldn't mind," Harry said, but then added, "once you've finished eating, of course."

"Do you need to eat?" Sirius asked from across the table.

"Do you really think Pomfrey would've let me leave without first watching me eat every crumb of breakfast like a hawk?" Harry said with an exasperated roll of his eyes.

"I was actually just finishing up," Lily told him, wiping her mouth one last time and then tossing her napkin down on the table next to her semi-empty plate. She stood up to join Harry.

He addressed the rest of the guys, saying, "We'll just be up in the dorm- you're free to join us after you finish as well, if you want." Harry felt bad for basically ignoring the rest of the girls, but he just had more pressing issues at the moment and made a mental note to add this to the ever-growing list of things he needed to be sure to apologize for later. Once the other guys nodded in response, Harry turned and walked out of the hall, Lily following close behind him.

The two of them didn't speak the entire time as they made their way up to Gryffindor tower. Only once the dormitory door was firmly closed behind them did Harry finally address Lily.

His shoulders slumped as he turned forlorn eyes on Lily and said, "I need you to help me get some control."

Lily was a bit taken aback by the request. How on earth was she supposed to do that?

Harry must have been able to read the question on her face because he went on, "I just- I think it's you."

"I'm sorry- I promise not to touch you without warning anymore," Lily said hurriedly, crossing her arms around herself, as if to keep them at bay. "I never meant to hurt you- I swear. I'm so sorry."

Harry took a step forward, reaching out towards Lily. "No, no, no- I didn't mean it like that!" Harry rushed to assure her. "I meant that I think you're the solution- not the cause."

"Oh," Lily said, her runaway thoughts screeching to a halt as her cheeks colored slightly. "But- I keep making you lose control," she said tentatively. It's not that she wanted to be the cause of Harry's issue, but she couldn't see how she wasn't, given the overwhelming evidence from just the past day or so.

Harry shook his head. "No," he insisted. "You can't lose what you don't have. I never had control over it, but something about you seems to trigger it. So, I thought that maybe if you could help me sort out what that was, then I could get a better handle on it. Because I can't keep going like this- I need to get some control. Otherwise, I'm going to get myself found out and arrested or killed because someone's not always going to be there to save me and you shouldn't have to be and-"

"Harry!" Lily stepped forward to close the rest of the gap between them, cautiously settling her hand on his arm and giving Harry a little shake to try and pull him out of his spiral.

He blinked and looked up, a little surprised to find Lily suddenly standing so close to him. Harry took a deep breath, trying to ground himself. "Sorry," he said quietly. "I just- I hate that I'm such a liability like this. I used to take comfort in knowing that I could, at the very least, always rely on myself, but now- that's not even true anymore. I'm the only one to blame about all of this," Harry said dejectedly.

"No- you're not," Lily told him firmly. "You may be struggling, but that does not mean that you are to blame. Plenty of things in life are no one's fault- they just happen. They are just twists and bumps in the road and all we can do is try and navigate around them as best we can. So, how can I help?" Lily looked intently at Harry.

Harry looked down, bringing a hand up to rub self consciously at the back of his neck as he mumbled, "I- uh- was wondering if maybe you'd be willing to hug me? Because that seems to be what-" But Harry's rambling was cut off as Lily's arms wrapped tightly around him and she pulled him in close to her chest.

Harry tensed at the unexpected contact, but his brain quickly caught up with the fact that Lily had just done as he'd requested, so he made an effort to relax and then take stock of how he felt. Lily's body heat was chasing off the cold February chill that had permeated the dormitory. It was nice. And her arms were holding him gently, but firmly with a comforting weight. It kind of reminded Harry of what he liked so much about the heavy Hogwarts duvet compared to his threadbare blanket back at the Dursley's. And she smelled nice too. Harry couldn't quite put his finger on it- there was a lingering hint of lavender from the bath the previous night, but underneath that there was something else. Whatever it was, it was a reassuring smell- one that rang of comfort and safety somewhere deep down in Harry's subconscious.

As Lily brought a hand up to rub soothingly up and down Harry's back, it finally occurred to him just why she likely had such an affect on him. She was his mother. As twisted as the given situation was, and as much as Harry had fought to ignore it, the fact remained immutably true. Lily Evans was his mother. She was and would be the first person to ever hug him and hold him and comfort him when he cried and love and protect him. And it seemed that there was something in Harry that- on both an emotional and physiological level- recognized and responded to that. The realization hit Harry in a rush just as he felt his body shifting- shrinking and falling- until he found himself once again on all fours, staring at the hem of Lily's robes with wet eyes.

When Lily felt Harry disappear from her grasp, she looked down and saw Bambi's spotted back. With a sad smile, she sat down in front of him and waited to see what Harry would do. Lily was only slightly surprised when the little fawn once again climbed into her lap. Though, this time he buried his head into the gathered robes pooled on her leg at her side.

Now that he was aware of why Lily felt like his lifeline, Harry just hid his head and cried, curled up in his mum's lap. Later, he might feel embarrassed for acting like a literal baby, but right then, it was just too much to care about that. He cried for their lost family and the wonderful lives that were soon to be cut short. He cried for all of the pain and suffering that would soon follow. He cried for not being able to remember her- not being able to remember this. He cried for how nice it felt to be held by his mum. Lily's hands had come to rest on Harry- one of them laying warmly against his neck while the other ran gently down his back in smooth, comforting strokes.

The rest of the guys found the pair of them sitting just like that in the middle of the floor when they entered the dormitory. Thankfully, they had the good sense to do so quietly so as not to interrupt whatever Lily and Harry might have been doing. They were a little surprised to find Bambi once again curled up in Lily's lap, but as Lily looked up at them and then jerked her head to the side, indicating that they should go take a seat and leave them be, the guys readily obeyed, accepting that she had the situation under control.

Eventually, Harry pulled his head out of Lily's robes and stood back up, stepping away from Lily. He changed back easily, which was a marked improvement. The others all stared at Harry, who now stood before them with red rimmed eyes.

"Sorry," he sniffed, turning away from them and using his robe sleeve to wipe at his face. "I just- uh- I think I figured it out. The 'why' at least," Harry said, still not facing his friends. After taking another moment to compose himself, Harry turned back around to look at Lily. She was still sitting on the floor where he'd left her. "You just- you remind me a lot of my mum, I guess. She was one of the only people to ever hug me like that. So when you do it, it's like sparking a distant memory- that feeling that is 'Bambi'. But when it catches, I don't know how to contain it or tamp it down. So I end up shifting."

Lily found herself both touched and heartbroken by Harry's words.

Harry took another steadying breath. "But I think identifying it may have helped. Now it's just a matter of reigning it in, right?" He asked it like a genuine question, not a rhetorical one, unsure and seeking reassurance.

Sirius cleared his throat and said as confidently as he could muster, "Right. It's fine to feel that 'Bambi' feeling- good even- but now you just have to figure out how to keep it in the background when you don't want to be Bambi and how to call it forth when you do want to shift."

Harry nodded and glanced at Lily. "Would you mind doing it again?" He asked hesitantly.

"Of course," Lily said, getting to her feet and then pulling Harry into another warm hug.

Again, Harry transformed into Bambi, but this time he immediately changed back. He and Lily went through that cycle a few more times before Harry finally broke off their hug, still in his human form. He then took a step back and closed his eyes. After a couple of minutes, he managed to shift of his own accord and then quickly changed back and tried again. And again. And again until it took him mere seconds rather than minutes to achieve the transformation. Once Harry was satisfied with his progress, he suddenly stepped forwards and wrapped Lily in a tight hug. "Thank you," he whispered to her, relief and gratitude bleeding into his voice as she brought her arms up to hug him back. And then, there were a lot more arms involved as the rest of the guys had abandoned their seats to join in the celebration.

Harry wasn't entirely sure how he felt about his newfound ability. While he was relieved to finally have some semblance of control back, he found himself slightly wary of the new mechanisms he'd developed to gain it. Once he'd put a name to that warm feeling- that 'Bambi' feeling- he'd then needed to find a way to reign it in. It was kind of a mindfuck to think that he hadn't been able to identify that feeling of protective comfort as 'being loved' and then to realize that he had absolutely no defenses against it. One wouldn't think that they would need to defend themselves against love, but anything running amok, completely unchecked- even something good- was a dangerous thing. That's why crimes of passion often occur, after all.

Learning how to accept love and channel that positive feeling was something most people learn and master throughout their childhood. But when it was suddenly sprung on Harry so late in the game, it felt like he was facing down a beast he had never laid eyes on before and had no idea how to handle. So it had taken him a little time to find a strategy that he could effectively employ against it. Name it, find it, control it. But eventually, he felt like he'd managed at least the basics of it. Now, Harry wasn't quite so worried about suddenly turning into Bambi in the middle of class or something. Having that control back made him feel a little more like himself again. It was like his feet had finally landed on solid ground.

Really, there was just one more Bambi-related task he had to complete before Harry would feel like he could finally move on- and that was following through on his promise to tell the rest of the girls what has been going on with him. Lily had done her part and made sure that they all wanted to know, despite the fact that that knowledge will make them complicit in his technically illegal activities. Now all that remained was the final step of actually telling them.

So that is how the Gryffindor 6th years all found themselves in the Knight's Training Grounds after lunch that Saturday. The boy's dorm was a bit too small for all of them to comfortably fit and it would look a bit odd for all of the 6th year girls to parade up to the boys' dormitory like that. It was one thing for Lily- a prefect- to go up, but for them all to do it would draw a lot of unwanted attention, which just wasn't worth the risk. So, instead, they all snuck off to their dueling practice room as the next safest option for somewhere not to be easily stumbled upon while they had their private conversation.

As Harry looked into the three girls' slightly eager and mildly concerned faces, he wasn't so sure he really wanted to do this anymore. Again, it was not that he didn't want them to know, but he wished he didn't have to be the one to tell them. But he was tired of carrying around and juggling so many secrets and knew that it was only right for at least some of the truth to come from him. We all have to do things we don't want to do sometimes, Harry reminded himself. Particularly when we know it's the right thing to do.

So, Harry took a deep breath and then launched into it. "I'm really sorry about the way I've been acting the last few weeks. I haven't been treating you guys very well and I'm sorry. I guess I'm just not the best at… emotional regulation? I'm more of a 'shut it down' rather than 'work through it' kind of person and it all just kind of reached a point where I couldn't shut it down anymore and I didn't handle it very well. And I'm sorry that you all kind of got caught in the crossfire and fallout from it," Harry began, feeling like the apology needed to happen first and foremost, before he could move on to the rest. "But basically, I woke up as a deer about two weeks ago and it brought up a lot of shit for me and- well- like I said- I didn't handle it very well." Yikes- he really should've planned out what he was going to say.

Milli, Gretta, and Haleigh all just stared at Harry until Milli asked incredulously, "Did you just say that you 'woke up as a deer'?"

"Umm- Yes?" Harry said timidly. "That was the main illegal thing that I need you guys to keep quiet. I really can't have the ministry getting involved in my life, so I'm not about to head down to London to officially register as an animagus."

"The main illegal thing?" Milli questioned.

"Yes. The other stuff you won't really have enough information or evidence to tell anyone without sounding crazy, so I'm not too worried about it. But the animagus thing could really fuck up my life," Harry shrugged.

"Right…" Milli said warily.

This was a mess and Harry couldn't figure out how to say it all in a way that would make any goddamn sense. Well, when in doubt, start at the beginning, he supposed. Saying it out loud didn't make it any more or less true- it just made it easier to talk about, he reminded himself before continuing on.

"I'm just gonna start at the beginning because I think that's the only way that any of it is going to make any fucking sense. And that's a luxury that the others didn't get, so count yourselves lucky," Harry said jokingly, trying to calm his nerves. "When I was a baby, my parents were murdered for their stance against Voldemort. In that attack, I got this scar," Harry said, pointing to the distinctive lightning bolt on his forehead that they had all wondered about, but never had the nerve to ask. "After that, I was sent off to live with my muggle aunt and uncle because they were my only living relatives. But my aunt wasn't a fan of my mum and they hated magic, so I never actually knew I was a wizard or really anything about my parents or their deaths or the magical world in general until I was eleven and someone showed up and whisked me away to come learn magic. I guess that's a part of the reason that I say Voldemort's name- I didn't grow up knowing that there was a war going on. And the man who started teaching me magic told me that fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself, which is why I still say it even though most people cringe when I do. I just can't afford to give that bastard any more power over me and my life than he already has."

Harry's eyes burned fiercely as he spoke and he looked much more like the strong, confident person that they'd all come to know than the dull, reserved one that he'd been for the past few weeks.

"Anyway," Harry said, getting back on track with catching the rest of them up to speed. "At the end of that first school year I spent in the wizarding world, a man was possessed by the person who killed my parents and I ended up burning him to death. Because my mum died to save me there was some kind of magical reaction that made it so that the murder couldn't touch me without getting burned. He wanted something, I wouldn't give it to him, one thing led to another, and I killed him. A few years later I found out I had a godfather, but he was on the run, so I didn't really get to spend a lot of time with him. Two years ago, another kid and I fell into a trap set by more evil people and he ended up being killed in order for them to get to me. And then last year, I did something stupid and my godfather was killed as a result. All of that is to just give a little context as to why I freaked out when I woke up as a baby deer the other day. Oh- And I suppose that I should also add that I really don't know how I got here, even though I do now remember the rest of my past- though, I would also prefer if you guys would keep all of that to yourselves as well. I really don't need anyone poking around," Harry told them.

The three girls nodded mutely, literally struck dumb by so much information. And yet, even with all of what Harry had just said, they were still not seeing any connection between the tragic backstory and the 'being a deer' thing.

"Thanks," Harry smiled tightly. "So, the other morning I woke up as a deer and panicked. Most animagi don't just accidentally transform one night in their sleep and it's quite unsettling to wake up in a different body than the one you fell asleep in. And I scared the shite out of the rest of the guys when they tried to wake me up in the morning and they found a fawn in my bed instead of me. But your animagus form is supposed to represent something about who you are deep down and I was upset to find out that I was a fawn. It's not exactly a Gryffindor lion or anything worth getting excited about. It seemed really pathetic and I was kind of down about it. We theorized that it might represent and some of the stuff about my past and my parents and relatives came up, but I wasn't able to control the shift at all. The next weekend, I was trying to work on it, but thinking about all of that stuff that I had tried so hard for so long to shut away just kind of sent me spiraling. And I- uh- have this weird defense mechanism where when something becomes too much, I just kind of check out. That happened last weekend and that's when the guys went and got Lily to see if she could help bring me back to reality, which she did." Harry threw a small, but grateful smile her way.

The other girls just continued to stare, so Harry pressed on. "So, that led to last week, where I was just desperately trying to ignore everything because clearly I couldn't deal with it, but that only lasted until Thursday night. I fell asleep in the common room with Lily and ended up shifting again in the middle of the night, so that's how she found out about the whole 'animagus thing', but the next morning, I woke up and freaked out and got stuck as a deer and it took me a while to change back. Once I did, it was clearly beyond time to sort my shit out, so we had a long chat about the rest of everything- that was the real reason that we missed our first class yesterday and why I thought it would be a bad idea to go to Defense when I was prone to randomly becoming a baby deer at any moment. And when I left the hospital wing, I was really worried about what Lily was thinking and going to do with everything that she had learned about me that morning, so we went and chatted. But while we were talking, I accidentally shifted again and that's why I fell into the bath and panicked and ended up choking on the water. Thankfully, Lily pulled me out and helped to change back before marching me off to the hospital wing once again. Which then led up to this morning when I dragged Lily off to help me get a better handle on the transformation since I seemed to shift whenever she hugged me. And I think I have it much more under control now. Everything- that is, not just the shift," Harry finished, feeling slightly out of breath.

There was a long moment of tense silence that took over the room.

"Can we see it?" Haleigh asked excitedly, batting away the oppressive atmosphere.

Harry was shocked that that was her first question after everything that he'd just said. "Uhh- Sure," Harry agreed. So he concentrated for a second and then felt his body go through the now familiar transformation and then he blinked his eyes open as Bambi.

Haleigh squealed, rushing forward to get a closer look at him. Milli and Gretta followed behind her at a more sedate pace, but their faces looked just as interested.

"You weren't joking about the 'fawn' thing," Milli noted as she looked him over.

"Can I touch you?" Haleigh asked, her hand paused midway through its descent towards Harry, just barely managing to restrain herself in order to get proper consent when it occurred to her that the adorable little creature in front of her was actually her classmate who might not want to be pet like dog. But Harry gave her a nod of assent and her hand continued happily on its way down to stroke his soft fuzz. All three girls took turns petting him and they couldn't help but coo a little at how cute he was.

After a couple of minutes, Harry stepped away from them and transformed back to his human self. "Yeah- So- That's 'Bambi'," he told them, a hand coming up to run through the back of his hair. The girls' heads all whipped towards Sirius. "Please don't give him any more satisfaction or he may never stop banging on about having 'totally called it' after just two days of knowing me. We don't need his head getting any bigger- he may just topple over," Harry warned.