NORTH PARK
IIIThe Siege of Dorkness
"No way you're making this stuff up!" I said to Dan. "There's no way that there are jocks in limos on their way here."
"Then let's see what you think when they've got the jock queen pulling a Michael Jackson on all you guys!" He said.
"Jock queen?" Butters and Kyle gasped. "That means they can reproduce?"
"Rally the forces of Minus Terrance!" I yelled.
"What forces?" Dan asked. "Minus Terrance is the name of that old tree house in the woods that drunken teens use for absurd things. It hasn't had any one occupying it for a hundred years ever since the Blitz King of Angar attacked it."
"Then we were in a time warp." Kyle said. "Jeez I hate those things."
"Then tell every one who doesn't want to get their butts kicked by a bunch of jocks to go there." I said. "Dan you go do this Kyle and Butters I have a job for us."
Dan ran away to the school leaving the tree of us standing there. I explained to them that the jocks would probably be stopping at various schools along the way for small wins to boost their moral in preparation for the butt kicking they wanted to give North Park. I explained to them that we were going to go to one of these and hopefully destroy the limos form inside before they got here.
"How are we going to get there in time?" Kyle asked.
"With the new go-cart that Lenny was building before we went to that time warp." I said.
The three of us biked to Kenny's former house and raided his garage. We found the half finished go-cart under a pile of wet newspaper. It was merely a frame, a wooden, and all the parts to run that it needed.
"Dude that thing sucks!" Kyle said.
"Don't worry we're going to ditch it when we get there. Get enough fireworks to blow two of the cars. I'm taking the third as my own." I said.
"I know it isn't that strong as far as armor is concerned but it will get us there." I said.
"So where are these jocks stopping next?" Asked Butters as they put sat down in the back, next to the fire works.
"I've calculated that they'll stop at a small private school known as Claremont in about twenty minutes." I said then floored the gas pedal.
"Oh no! That's where my cousin Sherman goes to school we have to save him." Butters said.
"I'm sorry dude." I sighed. "In football there are injuries… He is one of them…"
"No there has to be another way!" Butters cried.
"Fine if there's time I'll get him if not then he's on his own." I sighed.
"Oh thank you Eric!" He said with a smile on his face.
"Look I'm not going to wait around for him all day if he finds us great if not then too bad." I said harshly.
We drove along in silence for about fifteen more minutes until we pulled up to a small one-story private school. We hid the go-cart in the bushes at the far end of the playground and stayed there.
It wasn't more than two minutes before the three limos pulled up and parked in the lot right next to the playground. The doors opened and jocks in football armor started to pour out of the cars. They ran over to the park breaking stuff as they went.
"Let's go now. Get the fire works." I said after I was sure that the jocks were fully focused on kicking the butts of defenseless private school students.
"Where are we going?" Asked Butters.
"To blow up the limos." I said. "After we claim the third one we can tell your cousin to take the go-cart and head for our school.
"Oh okay then." He said as he struggled with the crate of fireworks.
The three of us ran over to the limos and started to evenly empty the crates into the two smaller ones which were empty. The third one, which happened to be a hummer limo, was still about half full of jocks and looked incredibly hard to take.
We snuck up as quietly and stealthily as we could until we got to the back hatch of the hummer limo. Kyle slowly opened it as quietly as he could but it, was no use there were still five jocks in full football armor waiting for us.
"Aw crap." I said as I pulled out a paintball guns and started to fire. It took at least five shots just to take down one jock but I eventually I got them all down.
"Okay now all we have to do is take down the driver and this baby's ours." I said with a grin.
"Okay now we must get to the driver's section and take out the jock's driving it." I said as I looked at the notes on jock mother ships that Dan had given to me. "Get your paintball guns ready there'll be two jocks driving this thing."
We slowly combat crawled through the entire limo until the got right behind the glass window of the driver's seats. Kyle pushed the button to lower the glass while Butters and I readied our weapons. The window quickly lowered and Kyle hid behind the nearest seat.
"Who's there!" Barked a voice. "Answer Me or be castrated!"
"My name is Eric Cartman!" I said and stood up.
A jock's face appeared in the window and I shot my paint gun at the jock hitting him between the eyes. That jock fell down and an alarm sounded. I felt the car's engine start. I looked out the window and saw that we were moving towards the playground, which was now being decimated by the vicious jocks.
"Butters you're the only one small enough to fit through that window!" I yelled.
"Oh all right then…" He said, gapped his paint gun, and jumped through the window.
Several shots rang out and the car stopped. Butters dragged the two unconscious jocks out of the car and off to the side of the road.
"Okay Butters. You can drive one of these things can't you?" I asked after we were back in the compartment of the limo and Butters was in the front. "Take us home now."
"Okay…" Butters said and started up the car. "…After we get Sherman!"
Butters started to drive the car over towards the playground that was now a scene of complete chaos. The jocks all turned to look at us with confused looks on their faces. Butters rolled down the window and started to yell "Sherman! Sherman! Where are you?"
A short brown haired kid in a blue coat burst out of a nearby bush and ran for the limo. Butters told us to open the door and let him in. I waited until he was right beside us to open it. Sherman jumped in and landed on the seat next to me with a thud.
The jocks who, had finally realized what was going on were now trying to open the doors to the limo we were in and were running for the other two limos. I knew that they could not be allowed to get to the other two so I ordered Kyle to set off the fireworks. He pulled out a small black box and opened it. Inside was a small remote control with only one button. Kyle pressed it, there were two loud bangs, and both of the smaller limos were engulfed in flames.
"Time to go!" I yelled. "Butters, get us onto the highway!"
"We'll have to stay in side street drive we don't have enough gas to go into highway drive." Butters replied.
"Then I hope you did a good job of planting those fireworks Kyle." I said. "If they can get onto the high way they'll get to Minus Terrance before us!" I said.
"Minus Terrance?" Kyle asked. "I thought they were headed for the school?"
"I know but Dan is going with them and I'm convinced that he's the one who told the jocks to come attack in the first place!" I said.
It was what I had suspected. After all Dan was a prep, and preps and jocks are on good terms with each other. I had guessed from the moment He had come running up to us asking for help that he had told the jocks about us and wanted to get our butts royally kicked.
"Of course I made sure to drill a nice big hole in the gas tank just in case the fire works didn't do it." Kyle said slyly.
"What if the jocks fix the limos?" Sherman asked.
"Don't worry they'll heed mechanic types and your average private school doesn't usually have an autos program." Kyle said. "Unless your school does then I think they'll be working on it for a very long time."
"Don't worry, we don't." Sherman said.
"Good then we can let Dan think that he's still got the upper hand." I said calmly. "Butters, fuel up at the nearest gas station then take us home."