I'm sorry for the long wait in between chapters. There's been a lot happening.
Thank you to everyone who reads, reviews, and favorites this story. It means a lot.
BIG thanks to Fran, Mr G and Me, and Monica03 for helping me. (Any mistakes you see are my own.)
SM owns everything Twilight.
Shock is dominant on their features, followed closely by apprehension when they attempt to move, but find they can't.
The translucent mist surrounds them, hovering over their bodies and keeping them pinned to the ground with a heavy hand.
They grunt in an odd mixture of fascination and fear as I stalk toward them, my movements slow and purposeful. I want them to see me coming; to know that I'm coming for them.
"Can anyone move?" the blond one asks, his body still, but his eyes are wild as he looks from me to the caramel-haired woman at his side.
"No," several of them grunt at once.
"What's happening? Is she doing this?" the big one asks, his tone disgruntled.
He's bulkier than the others, with bigger muscles that could easily take me out with one hit.
But it's not him I'm worried about.
It's the tiny one; the one with spiked hair and strange milky eyes that appear and disappear from time to time.
Each time this happens, she cries out that she can't see. It's an odd statement, because she watches me carefully, as if she's studying me.
And that's what makes the growl build in my chest.
She's small and her movements would most likely be lithe and quick; if I get into a fight with her, she's the one I'd have to worry about.
If I had to be worried.
This strange mist that surrounds them listens to me, bending and moving to my will, following my command like an obedient animal. It holds the smaller one tighter, the mist more concentrated around her shoulders and legs, keeping her pinned in place.
Even as I think of the mist squeezing everyone else tighter, it does so, making them wince in pain.
Good.
"I believe so," the blond one answers, his face twisted in discomfort. "I'm not sure how, but she is. We need to calm her; and quickly. Edward," he says pointedly, a sense of urgency in his words.
"Bella, listen to me," the copper haired guy rushes out as I get closer, the growl now a roar from my throat.
His voice stops me, my feet digging into the earth as I do so. I stare at him, the nagging feeling of familiarity slinging at me with full force.
For some odd reason, deep down, I know this group of people isn't a threat; especially the one copper haired one.
It's begging for someone, anyone, to help me get rid of this monster with my face, wanting to destroy the people I care about.
That monstrous side of me, however, is stronger than the "normal" side of me and pushes down anything other than destroying this group of vampires that wants to surround me.
"Bella, listen to me, okay?" he says again, all pleading gone from his tone. He's speaking to me firmer now, with a heavy dose of determination in his tone. "I'm Edward, remember? That's your mother there, Bella. My mother. My father. My siblings. We're not a threat to you."
I tilt my head to the right, staring at him through narrowed eyes.
"Edward," I repeat, rolling the name around in my head for a moment.
Vividly, memories of him come popping up.
His scowls, his teasing smirks, the fear on his face when I was injured, and the desperation in his voice when I wouldn't wake up.
His gentle touches, teasing kisses, and the way his arms felt around me, letting me know without words, that despite what I pain in the ass I am, he's there for me through it all.
The haze of anger and irrationality is slowly starting to fade, but the animal within me is still roaring with fury at this group of people being too close to my food and to me in general.
My lips curl back once more and I take a step forward once more, only stop again.
"Bella! We're not a threat to you," he calls to me, grunting as he attempts to rise. "Listen to me, we're here to help you. Baby, listen to me."
I cock my head to the side, wondering what they could possibly help me with. I was doing fine on my own until they continued to follow me and get too close.
"It's not working, Carlisle."
"I should have known she'd be worse than you when it comes to having people around when you're hunting."
Edward hisses in annoyance, rolling his eyes in aggravation. "Now is not the time."
None of this is making sense to me and quite frankly, I'm tired of hearing their voices. Taking another step forward, I crouch low, my hands curling into fists and relaxing as I prepare to launch myself at them.
"Isabella Marie Swan!" the woman in the middle hollers, her red eyes narrowed on me and her lips set in a thin line. "You cut it out right now, young lady! I mean it."
Immediately, I freeze as memories of hearing that tone all my life flood into my head; granted, it wasn't a lot considering Mom is pretty relaxed and I wasn't that bad of a child.
Still, hearing the use of my full name in that tone has me freezing in place, my eyes wide open.
"Isabella, I'm your mother; this is your family. Remember what I taught you when you're angry or upset? Close your eyes and calm yourself. Breathe."
Edward looks at her as if she's lost her mind, but one stern glare from her and he says nothing, his eyes meeting mine. He nods once, mouthing to me that everything will be okay.
I don't know about that.
How can I close my eyes around this many vampires?
Taking another look at them, I still the swirling translucent mist surrounding them, keeping them rooted to the ground, telling it to keep them down and hold them tighter.
There's relief there as it complies, but there's also an overwhelming urge to end them all and be done with this whole mess. Somewhere, deep down, I know I can do it without lifting a finger, but the monster within me isn't satisfied with that alone.
No, she wants to do it herself.
"Isabella Marie," she warns once more.
On her other side is the caramel haired woman, the gentle and caring expression on her face melting into one that matches the red eyed woman.
"Take a breath," the red eyed woman commands, giving a pointed look to the blond vampire, who nods once, his face immediately transforming into a stern appearance.
"Listen to your mother, Isabella. Calm yourself. Don't do anything you can't take back. You're not like this; you're stronger than this."
Surprisingly, his voice sounds familiar; a strange mixture of his own voice I had been hearing since we came out here … and another, deeper timber with a hint of playfulness.
In my head, I can see his face clearly; peach, sun-kissed skin and a well-kept moustache that he won't get rid of, no matter how many times we tease it looks like a seventies reject.
"Why would I get rid of it?" he asks, his eyes sparkling as he smooths his fingers over it. "It embarrasses you so much and that's half the fun. The other half is your mother liking it so much."
I remember her reaction, though her appearance is much different than it is now; her cheeks had turned pink as she giggled, swatting his arm while he murmured something in her ear that I know I was better off not hearing.
Her face is still soft, but there's also a sharpness there too, a smoothed polish look over skin that immediately tells you what she is.
A vampire.
She wasn't always a vampire. She had been turned into a vampire by a dangerous nomad, wanting nothing more than to bring pain to humans.
Laurent.
He had turned Mom.
From there, a slew of new memories unleash, and I focus on them, hoping the more I do, that I'll shake off this oppressive monstrous side of me.
Mom.
Dad.
Edward.
The Cullen's.
Memories of our time together come flooding back, and my mind matches their names with their faces easily now.
Rationally, I know who they are; I know they're my friends and family. I know they're important to me. There's just that irrational part of me that screaming for me to tear their heads off and be rid of them.
And unfortunately, that side is stronger right now.
Looking to Edward, I meet his eyes, shouting out pleas in my head for him to help, because I don't think I can beat this by myself. I'm absolutely terrified right now, something that hasn't happened in a quite a while.
No matter what I tell myself, of how I beg Edward to stop me or for me to stop myself, nothing works.
My outward actions don't agree with my internal begging; I'm growling, low and dangerous and mean, readying myself to charge and attack.
For a long moment Edward doesn't react, he merely stares at me with wide eyes, volleying for solutions with his family and my mother on what to do, considering they're literally sitting ducks.
Frustration and fright flares at this inability to reach him, and suddenly, Edward winces, a yelp of pain escaping him as I shout at him for help in my mind. Underneath the pain, I see understanding and sadness in his eyes as he stares at me.
"Stop," he whimpers, his head ducking down an inch, but no further.
I continue to beg for his help, not wanting to hurt any of them.
"Bella, you're strong; you can beat this. We're your family, your friends. You don't want to hurt us. I know you're sc—I know you're in there," he says, stopping himself from saying something more. "I know you're in there, baby. It's okay. We're not going to take anything from you, okay? We're here to help you not kill humans. Like your Dad and Rosalie and Jasper. Like Jess. And Angela. Somewhere, out there are people that are loved, just like you love them. That's why we're all here. We're no threat to you. We don't want your food, or to hurt you. Come back to me, baby. I'm here."
The others start repeating this mantra, but Edward immediately calls my attention back to him. "No! Look at me, Bella. Focus on me. Come back."
"Listen to Edward, sweetheart," my mother says. "You're so strong. Come back to us, baby girl."
I focus on their words, repeating the phrases with them in my head, imagining pushing this feral and angry version of myself away.
And it works.
My eyes widen and gasp leaves my lips as the haze of fury swiftly leaves me, as if someone had flipped a switch. Suddenly, the white mist I had seen around them comes rushing back at me so fast I stumble backward, my feet twisting together before I fall on my ass, the air leaving my lungs in a whoosh.
Slowly, the Cullen's rise, wiping off their clothes and turning toward me, eying me warily.
Only Edward rushes for me, holding out his hand to help me up. He sighs in what sounds like relief when he's able to come near me, free of obstruction.
"I can get up on my own," I mumble, feeling a combination of awkward and childish at the display I just had.
I had just tried to kill my own mother, my boyfriend, and his family.
I'm truly a psychopath of epic proportions.
Edward raises an eyebrow, never taking his hand out of my face. "I know you can, but I'm feeling co-dependent right now. Just take it and shut up."
I fail in my fight to contain my grin and slap my hand in his, rising with such speed and grace that it makes my head spin.
"Whoa," I mutter, amazed that I was able to perform such an action without getting dizzy or sick.
Edward smirks, entwining his fingers with mine and pulls me toward him, encasing me in a hug.
"Edward," Carlisle warns, his eyes darting from me to his son. "I think you should give her some space."
Edward says nothing and keeps his arms around me, his face hard and unmoving.
Carlisle's faces transitions into one of understanding and Edward nods once, pressing a kiss to my temple before releasing me, slipping his hand into mine.
He takes a step toward his family, but I keep my feet firmly planted where I am.
It's hilarious how he's the one stumbling back now, and the astonishment on his face just adds to the hilarity of the situation.
Loudly, I laugh, drawing the attention of the others, but the humor quickly dies from me.
"What?"
Shaking my head, I press my lips tightly together, hoping if I do that, they won't hear what I have to say; it's a long shot, considering somewhere out here, I can hear a moose wailing from some distance behind me.
"I can't go over there right now."
Ordinarily, I would face this head on and own up to my mistakes—which I fully plan to do, but I need to process everything that happened first.
Killing most of your family is definitely high priority.
"Why?" he asks, genuinely confused about my reluctance.
"Why? Did you not see what I was going to do?"
He rolls his eyes, his entire demeanor coming off nonchalant and it pisses me off. "I was immobile, not blind and deaf. It's fine."
Releasing his hand, I shove at his shoulder, a low snarl erupting from my chest. "It's not fine! I almost killed all of you!"
"But you didn't," he argues with a frown.
"Uh, son," Carlisle inputs, a note of warning in his words. "It's probably best not to make her angry right now."
At his side, Esme nods, taking a cautious step forward, along with my mother. Carlisle makes a move to grab her, but with one firm look, he backs off, trailing behind her protectively.
"Bella, sweet girl," Esme starts, reaching toward me. She doesn't take my hand and I'm unsure as to whether or not she's scared of me, or if she's wondering whether or not I want space.
I'm not sure which one I want either, to be honest.
"It's really okay. You've been through a lot this past week. You were in a newborn frenzy and bloodlust. It's a miracle you were able to get yourself out of it with just us talking to you."
My mother nods. "It took Emmett and Alice five hours to get me out of mine when I bit you. You did good, baby."
"Really?" I question, wondering if they're trying to make me feel better or telling the truth.
There's nothing but sincerity and truth in their eyes and faces, and along with that, I see no accusatory looks or blame.
It makes me feel slightly better, but not much.
Carlisle steps up then, seemingly unable to be away from Esme for much longer. Wrapping an arm around her shoulders, he pulls her close, pressing a kiss to her temple.
"Honestly, Bella. You did well; and your mother isn't exaggerating. Emmett had to call me in a panic because he'd never had experience with a newborn before."
I snicker, and immediately laugh outright when Emmett makes a noise of disagreement.
"That's a damn bold-faced lie! That is not true! I only called because I didn't know where to take her."
Carlisle says nothing, but he shakes his head with a small grin. "Besides," he continues, ignoring his son. "You weren't half as bad as Edward was when he went hunting as newborn. He was a stubborn nightmare. When he went into bloodlust, forget it; no one could control him except for Kate. And he's not much better now, to be honest. He's never learned to be social with his family when he's hungry."
I don't bother to hide my amusement now. I laugh, watching as he rolls his eyes, but there's no annoyance there; in fact, he looks really happy.
"You get hangry?"
His eyebrows furrow together in confusion for a moment before he sighs heavily. "I swear; some of these words are so stupid."
"Okay, old man," I reply with a snort.
"Don't be a pain, brat. I just don't like people too close to me, all right?"
I hum in sympathy, knowing exactly how he feels. I reach for his hand, squeezing once. He says nothing, but I see one corner of his lips rise slightly.
"I'm just so glad you're okay," Mom says, her eyes glassy. I know if she were human, she'd be crying right now. "I was so worried I had taken too much blood and screwed it up."
Vaguely, I remember my dad's voice telling me not to let her beat herself up over this and I intend to follow through.
Pulling her into a hug, I squeeze her tightly, pulling back when she gasps. "Sorry."
"No! It's okay!" Immediately, she pulls me back into a tight hug. "I was just taken by surprise, that's all."
Her hand smoothes down the back of my head as she holds me close, rocking me from side to side, just like she used to do when I was little and had a nightmare.
The memories are fuzzy, as if I'm watching them from underwater, but I distinctly remember my mother sitting next to me, telling me everything was okay. Meanwhile, my goofy father pretended to battle invisible monsters from my nightmares, threatening to "lock them up forever" for even thinking about scaring his baby girl.
I smile fondly, wishing he was here too, but in a way, I'm glad he's not.
I don't want to hurt him, and I definitely don't want him to see me like that.
"It's okay, Mom. I'm okay," I whisper.
She pulls back, her hands on my cheeks and she smiles softly. "You are. You're okay. You're here. Are you okay now? What happened?"
"I was kind of trapped in my own head."
"Eleazar believes her to be a shield. A powerful one, in my own opinion. But there might be something more, there too," Carlisle inputs. "He'll want to hear about this."
"Okay," Mom says. "We'll go back."
Carefully, I ease myself away and take half a step back, but keeping my hands on hers. Edward is there, his hand reaching for me, settling on the small of my back.
Squeezing once, I shake my head. "Not right now, okay? It's just … everything that's happened. I need … time."
Before I'm finished speaking, she's shaking her head. "No! No, absolutely not! You're coming back with us."
"Mom—"
"You were in a coma after the accident," she starts, ticking off the reasons on her fingers.
"Mom—"
"You were still sleeping for three days after your change—"
"Renee," Edward tries, but he's ignored as well.
"No. That's too much time. Too much. You're coming back with us."
"Mom, I just need a few hours," I say, trying to be firm but respectful. "I'll come right back. But I need some time. And quiet."
"But—"
"Renee, you remember how overwhelming it was after you woke," Carlisle murmurs, coming to my aid. "She needs a little time, that's all."
Hopelessness washes over her features, but eventually she sighs, resigned. Her shoulders slump forward and releases a long breath.
"Fine. But you take care of her," she warns, flinging a finger in Edward's direction.
I scoff, pushing him away slightly. "Who says I want him around?"
He rolls his eyes at my smirk. "And how would you get back, all mighty one? You have no idea where the Denali house is."
Pride and triumph colors his face, but I meet his look with one of my own.
"I'm a vampire now, genius. I can follow your scent."
He flounders for a comeback, his mouth opening and closing like a fish. Everyone laughs around us, with Emmett cheering and whooping in glee at his brother's loss of words.
Pulling me to his side, he places his lips on my ear. "Know my scent that well, do you?"
As softly as I can, I shove him away, but it's apparently not gentle enough. He slides a few feet away, his heels digging into the earth as he tries to stop.
Baffled, he raises his hands in a universal gesture of "what the hell" and I shrug, smiling in apology, but only meaning half of it.
"Is that okay with everyone?"
Everyone responds with a chorus of "yes", except for my mother, who bites on her lower lip anxiously.
"Bella, I—" she stops, her fingers knotting together anxiously in front of her.
"I'll come back. I promise; I just … I need to come to grips with everything."
Slowly, she nods. "Okay. I know what it's like. Just … be safe."
She casts a fleeting, worried glance to Edward, who merely shrugs in confusion, casting me a questioning glance.
I don't have to be a mind reader to know she's asking him if he's going to stay with me. Even though having a moment by myself would be nice, I know it's not going to happen. There's no way my mother or Edward would let me be by myself after what just happened.
And to be honest, I wouldn't trust myself to be alone after that.
Even though I can apparently keep others away without difficulty, at least I know someone can reach me and try to talk some sense into my crazy vampire ass.
Alice shoots me a soft smile, blowing me a kiss. "You'll be fine," she tells me before darting off with Emmett.
"You two behave out here! Don't make hose you two off!" he hollers over his shoulder, his voice booming off the trees.
I have a feeling they're off to call Jasper and Rose, and I wish they wouldn't. All they'll want to do is speak to me, and I want to be a little calm after everything that happened.
Carlisle and Esme both smile, their hands still entwined. "We'll meet you both back at the house," Carlisle says, his eyes shifting back and forth between Edward and me. "Be careful and watch yourself."
"I'll be fine," I reply, my tone defensive and sharp.
Mom frowns, but Carlisle merely grins and winks, looking younger than his years. "I was talking to my son."
I snort a laugh, waving as they follow behind their children.
In front of me, Mom shuffles from side to side before pulling me into a hug. "Take all the time you need, baby. Come back when you're ready. I'll hold off Alice and Emmett on calling Jasper and Rosalie. They're just like you, they'll want to hear your voice," she tells me, as always, knowing what's going through my head.
"Thanks, Mom."
She smiles, running her fingers through my hair. "I'm so used to seeing your colorful highlights. It's weird seeing your natural color again."
I grimace, fingering a lock of dark brown hair. With a huff, I toss it behind my shoulder. "Don't remind me."
"We'll figure out a way to get your colors back."
"You sound like Edward."
"Well, he's a smart guy. And he knew you'd be upset about it once he saw the colors fade."
Glancing over, I raise an eyebrow and he shrugs, looking off into the distance with a disinterested glance. I shake my head with a smirk, because he's not fooling me one bit.
"I'll see you both later," Mom says, kissing my cheek and hugging me tightly.
She steps back, not once removing her eyes from me, almost as if she's afraid I'll disappear before her eyes.
I don't know what to say to relieve her fears, but I suppose only time will make that happen.
Waving, I watch as she finally darts off, her footsteps fading the further away she gets. I release the breath I had been holding and start slowly walking ahead, feeling guilty that I had been so tense about my own mother, but I can't help it.
It was such a strong feeling of unease and discomfort when everyone was around me. Realistically, I knew they weren't a threat and were just there to help should I try to attack an innocent bystander, but logic didn't help my irrational brain.
Why had I reacted that way?
Am I going to be hostile and angry all the time, unable to live with my family ever again?
I know I was told it was simply newborn rage and bloodlust driving my behavior, but what if it wasn't? What if that was just me? What if that's who I am now?
Turning to my left, I look for Edward, expecting him to be right beside me, but he's nowhere in sight. Instead, I find him several feet behind me, walking at a sluggish pace.
"What are you doing, you weirdo?"
He shrugs, his hands shoved into pockets like he doesn't have a care in the world.
I know he does, though.
From the stiff set of his shoulders and the tightness in his jaw, I know there's something wrong.
"Maintaining your creeper status by following behind me like a stalker?"
One corner of his lips curl up in a smirk, but there's still tension in his posture. "I have a reputation to upkeep, you know."
I snort, the sound loud in the silence around us. "The reputation has been burned and lost at sea from what I've heard, my guy."
He shrugs again. "I can build it back up. I have nothing but time."
"Okay, eternal emo one," I reply with a roll of my eyes and a flick of my wrist. "Are you going stay back there, or are you going walk alongside me like a normal person?"
In a millisecond, he's at my side, our hands entwining as if we're magnets, unable to be separated any longer. It feels a little weird, but at the same time, it feels like it's not enough.
Which again feels weird.
I decide not to look too much into it and instead continuing walking, observing the area around us.
It's nothing but empty land for a long stretch—possibly miles—there are few barren trees here and there with a couple of dead bushes placed throughout, but otherwise, it's a wide expanse of snow.
It's overwhelming to see and hear so much, whereas before, there was little range and depth.
Now, I can see the landscape, spotting a deer a few miles away, freezing in places, listening to the sound of footsteps before taking off, its heart thundering wildly.
The sound makes my throat tingle, my body tensing with the urge to race after it and drain it dry. The only thing that keeps me where I am is Edward's hand interlaced with mine.
After a calming breath, I focus my attention elsewhere as we continue to walk. Every so often I'll hear something vibrate from his pocket and he'll deftly dig it out, typing out a quick reply before shoving it back in his jeans like nothing ever happened.
I'm tempted to take it from him and reply that they need to stop their worrying, but then I realize I'm being too harsh about this.
Alice can't see me, and I'm sure they're worried.
It's a phrase I constantly repeat so I don't snap.
I'm too afraid to lose my temper again.
Whatever happened when I was hunting was something I don't want to repeat. While it was pretty cool that I could hold them down without lifting a finger, it was also a little frightening.
Belatedly, I realize that I could have hurt them … or someone else.
If a human had been out here, I have no doubt that I could have held the Cullen's down without any effort at all and killed someone.
And no amount of words would have stopped me.
It was close call already; I had been ready to rip them to shreds and for what?
For nothing.
Just because they were close to me.
Not a good enough reason at all.
I suppress a sigh and bite the corner of my lip, all the while feeling Edward's eyes on me.
I know he wants to say something, but he's giving me time and I appreciate that. In response to silent support, I squeeze his hand and continue on, pushing out unpleasant thoughts of me ripping apart those closest to me.
The snow crunches underneath our feet, breaking the silence of our surroundings. The sound is so loud and slightly distracting, but soon enough, I'm distracted by the light snowfall gently falling to the earth.
Each snowflake is different, with different shapes and sizes, something I had always heard was true, but never thought to look in to.
Now, I can see they weren't just making crap up.
It's amazing and inspiring, and I find myself stopping more than once to catch a few of the falling flakes, smiling when they don't melt in my hand.
Edward watches me with a small smile, his ruby eyes sparkling with happiness.
I'm still unsettled by the sight, but I take comfort in the small flakes of gold I still see in there; not to mention, he does look pretty badass with red eyes.
"Are you okay?" Edward asks, after I capture and release my fifth snowflake.
"Not really. I almost killed you. I almost killed your family. I almost killed my Mom!"
By the time I'm done, my voice has risen several octaves higher. My eyes burn with unshed tears, the feeling more annoying than it was when I was human.
Edward places his hands on my shoulders, looking me square in the eyes. "Bella, listen to me, okay? I won't sugarcoat it; you were a little out of control. But," he stresses, sending me a sharp look that tells me to shut my mouth.
So I do.
For once.
It's a marvel, even to me.
"You were in bloodlust," he continues. "You're a newborn. Everyone knows that newborns are volatile and easily irritated."
"What's your excuse?" I mumble, trying not to grin.
Edward laughs, shaking me lightly. "You bring out the best in me."
"Sure, blame me."
"Anyway," he says, continuing. "With your mother, she had such control and calmness, we had thought you'd be like her. I should have known better," he teases.
"Yeah, kind of."
"My mistake," he admits with a hint of remorse. "Everyone's mistake, really. We were nervous because Alice still couldn't see you, so we thought safety in numbers would be good for your first hunt. That way, there'd be plenty of us to hold you down and drag you back, should you come across a human. Of course, we didn't factor in how gifted you'd be."
My emotions swirl in mess of mixed emotions.
A part of me is excited and thrilled at this development. It's been secret among my cousins and I that when I was younger, I always wanted to have some kind of superpower. I wanted to be able to do something no one else could do and kick ass doing it.
Of course, I grew up and my love for those kinds of things died down, but secretly, I still wanted to do something unique, like Rose and Jasper with their secret conversations.
When the Cullen's came about and I learned I blocked Alice from seeing me and Edward from hearing my thoughts, I was pleasantly happy.
I could do something they hadn't encountered before and at the time, I thought it couldn't get any better.
Now, it appears I can do so much more and it's thrilling, but at the same time, it's also terrifying.
I'm sure it would be useful against people that wish to do harm to others, especially those I care about, but today, I was using it on the people that matter most in my life.
I used it on my mother … on the Cullens … on Edward.
If I hadn't snapped out of it when I did I know I would have hurt them.
Or worse.
"Bella, stop," Edward tells me, forcing me to look at him.
"Can you read my mind?" I warily ask, wondering if somehow, he's gained access to my thoughts.
"No, but I don't need to. I can see it on your face. You didn't hurt us. Your Mom is fine. My family is fine. I'm fine. Don't beat yourself up over it." He stops for a moment, his frown deep. "I'm not used to seeing you this way … so insecure, panicky, and lost."
I huff, my back straightening and my defensive tongue ready to strike. Instead, I take a calming breath and think about what I'm going to say before it slips from my lips.
"I just don't like hurting people I care about," I mutter.
"But people you don't care about are fair game? Good to know."
I shoot him a dark look. "Don't."
"Don't worry. You just have to learn to control yourself and it'll be okay … and maybe you can learn a few tricks too. Pinning me down, solely for your bidding? That'll be fun," he says with a suggestive wink.
I'm relieved at the tension lifting slightly, and I move to push him away, but pause as he captures of my hands, his face serious.
"You were scared."
I could deny it and make him think he's crazy, but now isn't the time for that.
"Yeah. I was. I was terrified, actually. For the first time, it wasn't someone else that was posing threat to the people I cared about. It was me. But at the same time, it … that wasn't me. I mean it was, but—"
"I know," he murmurs, pulling me to him and squeezing me tightly to his front. With the amount of force he's using, I know if I had been human, he would have broken my back.
Luckily, I'm not super-breakable anymore.
And neither is he.
I grip him back just as tightly, taking in a deep breath of his scent.
"I don't want to turn into that again, Edward. I couldn't live with myself if I hurt you, or anyone else."
His voice, when he responds is sure and strong and it leaves no room for doubt, no matter how much my pessimist ass wants to refute.
"You won't. We'll still take precautions when you're out hunting, but there won't be a repeat of that. We won't let your animalistic side come out again."
"You sound very sure."
"I'm sure of Carlisle and Esme; they know how to help."
Pulling back, I look at him, the unnecessary breath stuttering in my throat as I watch him in dimming sun, with fat snowflakes falling around him. The entire scene with him and our surroundings is beautiful and awe-inspiring.
As if he knows what I'm thinking, he smirks. "Can't take your eyes off of me, huh?"
"Yeah; I never realized how many flaws you have. Vampire vision is great."
He scowls, but shakes his head, pressing a kiss to my forehead. "You're a pain in the ass, Bella."
"Ditto, jerk."
We say nothing for a short while, just standing still as statues for an undetermined amount of time. I go over everything that's happened in my head, from waking up frozen, to being mobile, to nearly wiping out the ones closest to me.
It's a lot to process and take in; it feels as if it belongs to someone else, rather than me but I know I can't let that happen again.
No way in hell.
"How do I control it? That … rage?"
Edward immediately shakes his head. "It's not rage, Bella. Not in the way you're thinking. You were angry, yes, but it wasn't personal. Vampires, at the root, are animals. We have animalistic instincts to feed, to protect … and even to love. Combine all of that, and it's a dangerous mixture. It's just a matter of finding the right balance."
Remembering what Carlisle had said about Edward makes me think he hasn't had that balance and I tell him so.
As if embarrassed, Edward scratches the back of his neck, looking away. "Yeah, well, I'm not a good sharer. But neither was Carlisle at first," he rushes to defend. "When I first hunted with him, when he wasn't keeping an eye on me and making sure I didn't eat the whole town, we both fought one another when we crossed paths hunting. If it hadn't have been for him coming to his senses, we probably would have seriously hurt one another."
Astonished, I blink, trying to picture Carlisle fighting anyone, let alone one of his children.
Then again, I never thought I'd be capable of going after my family with the intent to kill them, either.
"And you never learned to share?" I ask. My words hold the capacity for teasing, but I'm completely serious. "What about Alice and Emmett? And Esme?"
"They're fine. I mean, they'll give warning growls if someone gets too close, but they won't attack. Me? No. My reactions are kind of like yours. But I think that has more to do with the human blood I've taken."
I'm confused at this; Edward hasn't always drank human blood. He's gone back and forth between animals and humans, I know, so why is he saying that human blood is the issue?
"But you don't drink human blood all the time … and I haven't drank human blood."
"You still have your own blood in your system; that's what makes you stronger than the rest of us right now. As for me, I've drank human blood more recently. It's like a drug, Bella. Getting a hit and then quitting cold-turkey. It's harsh and hard. And, I think it has a lot to do with the muscle memory of it. When I hunt, I remember going after humans and remembering the taste of it and it's all I want. It's all I crave. In an effort to resist that urge, I get more agitated. It's fighting yourself to do what's natural to you. Victoria is the same way; before she found James, she didn't know of a different way of living, and for a long time, she struggled with it too. She's better now, but we all know to keep our distance."
"Oh," I breathe in reply. It makes sense and in a way, I understand.
During one Rose's diet phases, she threw out all of the sugar and caffeinated items in the house, and let me tell you, it was not pretty.
When the "bad crap" had started leaving my system, I raged like a child possessed and nothing made it better until my Dad gave some of his chocolate from his secret stash.
Granted, I know it's not the same thing, but I can understand where he's coming from.
"So I guess it won't get better for me?"
Edward lifts a hand to my cheek, his fingers sweeping along the underside of my jaw before tangling in my hair.
"It will. I'll help you, I promise. You won't be that scared or lose control like that ever again, okay?"
I want to believe him, but I can't.
Not completely.
"I don't know how you can make that promise when you still have a problem with it. How can you help me if you're not control of it? Even after all this time?"
His eyes never leave mine as he speaks, he stares, unblinkingly, letting me the truth come from within him.
"As I said, it's different for me. I've had a lot more human blood. And I don't plan on drinking from humans anymore."
He doesn't look too thrilled about this, and it sets me on edge.
I groan in frustration, the sound coming out more like a growl. "You like it, don't you? Drinking from humans?"
"I'm not going to lie, I do. I love human blood and I like helping people. But if it'll help you, I'll stop. And who knows, with your powers, maybe I don't have to do that anymore. My parents will be happy … and I see their viewpoint. If I were in their place, I wouldn't want some murderer's blood in your system either," he admits with a guilty grin.
"So, you think it'll pass? That reaction?"
He shrugs a shoulder. "It might. As I said, vampires are animals and territorial, at that. We don't typically like sharing; just because Carlisle and Esme go out hunting together, doesn't mean they stay together, I don't think." He pauses, his eyebrows coming together in confusion. "Or maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm a bad sharer."
"Or you're just an asshole," I tease.
"Maybe."
"So … I guess I could never go with you, huh? When you hunt?"
His eyes darken and his nostrils flare as he pulls me closer. "Oh, we're definitely trying that," he lowly says, his lips brushing softly against mine. "I loved seeing you hunt. It would be a thrill for it to just be the two of us. I would share everything with you."
Pressing my lips against his, I kiss him hard, biting his bottom lip with a sharp nip and smirking when he releases a combination of a growl and a moan. He holds me tighter, one of his hands spread across my back while the other rests low on my hip, his fingers dancing over the sensitive skin there.
After a moment, I pull back, taking in a lungful of unnecessary air. "Settle down, Romeo. You have to share me a little bit."
"I don't have to. We can stay out here and continue what you started."
I shake my head, and look at him in mock disappointment. "Okay. And what will you do when my mother—and probably yours—comes looking for me? I imagine Emmett and Alice will come too. Are you sure you want them to have that bit of teasing material in their arsenal?"
He starts to respond but promptly snaps his mouth shut. "Why do you have to be logical?"
"Because someone has to have the brains in this relationship."
"Funny. Which one of us has it?" he teases, throwing an arm over my shoulders as we start a slow stroll through the woods.
"Most of the time? Me. You have it for a five minutes every now and then."
"At least you're giving me some credit."
"Don't forget it," I tell him, playfully wagging a finger in his direction. "I give you scraps every now and then."
He rolls his eyes, trying to appear upset, but I see right through him. "How generous." Then, after a minute, he starts to complain. "I don't want to go back."
"Well, tough. I want to see my Mom. I want to talk to my Dad and Rose and Jasper. I want them to know I'm okay. And I'm sure your Dad's buddy wants to talk to me about what happened. Basically, there's a lot of talking that needs to happen."
"Fine," he replies with an exaggerated sigh. "But afterward, you're all mine."
"We'll see."
We pick up speed and soon enough, we're racing through the trees, moving so fast I would think we're flying if I had my eyes closed.
A few times, I do just that, feeling a little bit of peace with my hand in Edward's, allowing him to lead me toward the house. In that moment, I focus on that feeling of lightness and ease, enjoying my new capabilities and trying to ignore the worry simmering beneath the surface.
In my head, I picture myself burying that furious monster within me, sealing it away, never to escape.
I know it'll take more than that, though … and that's what worries me the most.
So we're seeing a little bit of a different side of Bella. Don't worry, she'll still be the same smart-ass we all know and love! ;)
See you next time!