He realizes how bad things are when one early morning period he finds himself in front of the mirror seriously considering turning time a little bit back.
Would be easy for him. Could go as far as turning himself into a boy again, if he so wishes.
The problem is, he doesn't. Mary Gowland likes who he is and how he turned out to be. The height and the strength; broad shoulders, strong hands, and lightness in his step.
Never before did he feel like changing anything in himself. He reserves such wishes for his park, which Park Owner does change a lot, whenever he comes up with something new and delightful. Alice told him once how she could never get used to ever-changing surroundings.
Alice.
He looks at himself again and gives an uncharacteristic deep sigh. How far have things progressed if he seriously considers making himself look different. All in order to impress a girl.
Not that he hasn't done anything of this kind before. He did have his share of romance in the past and knows the basics. Fine dark colored suits, silk cravats, polished shoes. No glasses, no toy horses attached to his jacket, no embroidered suspenders or brightly coloured socks. No jokes, no fullhearted fits of laughter he is known for. No spontaneous concerts. Despite the trouble, Park Owner always managed well. His paramours liked telling him how much more handsome he looked clean-shaven and smartly dressed. His affairs never lasted too long, because each and every time he knew the lady in question could not hold his attention for long enough. None had it in them. Each time a romance would come to an end, he'd happily change into his regular bright outfits and never give those affairs a second thought.
He is facing a serious opponent now. A girl who doesn't wish to be romanced. Why else would he even consider changing anything?
Would Alice too like him more if he'd start wearing different things? Would she take him seriously if she'd see he can be as elegant as any other Role Holder?
For the love of music, he was in trouble.
Of course, the next time they cross paths, he is completely unprepared. She arrives earlier than he expected. Gowland doesn't have time to brace himself and miserably fails to look nonchalant under her scrutinizing gaze. It doesn't help matters that she brought Clockmaker with her. The man is giving Gowland quizzical looks, though Park Owner hardly notices.
Alice. For the life of his, he can't interpret what she is thinking. Does she like what she sees? Does she think him ridiculous? He has no time to ask when she starts speaking.
"I am sorry, I suppose we came at a bad time. I will just show Julius around if it is okay with you?"
She doesn't wait for his answer, already moving, pulling Clockmaker along. It is crowded today, and he quickly loses the two among other guests.
"That went spectacular", - someone draws lazily, - "Never saw you lose your nerve like that, old man"
Gowland has no patience for Boris's jabs. "Quiet! I don't have time for this"
"O-ho, look who is angry", - but Boris doesn't sound spiteful. Instead, the cat-boy tries to say something to cheer him up. "No need to be so testy. Alice was astonished by your new suit, by the looks of it"
"Then why did she leave so soon?", - irritation seeps into his voice. - "And why did she bring Clockmaker with her?", - the question bothers him more than he likes to admit. Clockmaker never comes over, aside from work-related trips.
"Oh", - the cat catches enough not to make fun of his friend's misery. "An interesting riddle, ha?"
"I told you already, Boris. I have no time or patience for riddles"
"Figured", - Boris shoots him a sympathetic look, - "Well, this once I will try to explain"
Gowland waits. For all his happy-go-lucky attitude Boris can say insightful things sometimes.
"Look at yourself, Owner. You look like you're out to kill"
"Is something wrong with that?", - Gowland asks defensively.
"Alice clearly was under the impression you were on your way to a date"
"And I was until my date run away", - Gowland murmurs darkly. Cat-boy makes an impatient wave with his tail.
"She isn't your date, old man. Not yet, at least", - he hurries to add when seeing how Gowland narrows his eyes. "She didn't think you are all dressed up for her sake"
That makes a surprising amount of sense. Alice, who is so observant and perceptive when it comes to so many things, would hardly think herself a reason for anyone to do something to impress her.
"As for your second question, she did it, because you dared her"
"What?", - too caught up with his thoughts, Park Owner already forgot there was a second question.
Boris gives him a pointed look. "Clockmaker. You told her she'd be the only one to make him come over"
"And so she brought him along" – that particular conversation is hazy in his head, but it sounds like something he totally could have said. "I owe her a nice cake for that"
"Precisely", - Boris is grinning again. - "So, as far as I can see, no reason for you to feel down like this. Go and get her"
As it turns out, easier said than done. Park Owner spends more than three time periods searching all around his domain until one of his workers informs him that Clockmaker and Outsider already left the premises.
It leaves him in a foul mood. Not only was she avoiding him, but she also left earlier than normal. Probably didn't even see the newly finished rainbow fountain.
Still, he finds himself wanting to see her. It is so overwhelming a desire, it brings him all the way from Amusement Park to Clocktower, all the way up the staircase. Pausing only briefly in front of an old wooden door, Gowland knocks before any doubts would voice themselves.
"Come in!" - comes Alice's bright voice. He pushes the door open.
The sight isn't what he expected. He sees no Clockmaker, but Alice sitting behind the man's usual work desk polishing some clock faces.
The sight makes something inside him bristle.
Gowland isn't sure how to name what he feels when he sees her so casually holding the tools anyone else would never touch, for love or money. Of course, he is far from thinking there was something unclean about this whole clock-mending business. He is respectful of Clockmaker and his duties. It is the one thing that sets the two of them aside among the four leaders of Heart – Clockmaker and Park Owner are devoted to their crafts, unlike Hatter and Red Queen.
But Alice deserves more. More than sitting in an old stone tower, with all its shadows and secrets. Was this what she truly wanted?
"Julius is out", - she interprets his prolonged silence as a question. - "Has some business near Amusement Park, so I managed to persuade him to walk me there"
It neatly fits the explanation Boris came up with earlier on. It also helps Park Owner to return to safer ground.
"I see. Here's the cake I promised you", - he produces a big blue box with a flourish.
"Oh", - her cheeks go pink, a sight he is normally delighted by, - "You didn't have to go through all the trouble"
He shrugs. "I keep my promises"
She surprises him. "Then let me make you some coffee. It would go well with a cake"
Coffee. Of course. What else did he expect given who her landlord was? Better be grateful for an opportunity to enjoy a beverage in her company, away from prying eyes. "I would love that"
She beams at him and sets a clock face and a polishing cloth down. Before he knows it, the cakebox is in her hands.
"It will not take long", - she smiles.
Wordlessly he follows her to a small kitchenette, where Alice carefully sets the box on a counter and starts the whole coffee-making ritual.
This bothers him too, Gowland realizes.
Bothers him in a way he is entirely unfamiliar with. She knows precisely where to look for the cups and which tools to use, moving around with grace. Everything about her is at ease, as it should be when one is in their element. Like at home.
And he doesn't want her to feel at home here, at Clocktower. He forces himself to stop before he thinks anything spiteful.
He reminds himself that Clocktower was arguably not the worst kind of place. Monrey was a good guy, that Gowland would never argue against. But she simply deserves so much more.
Had Alice stayed at the Amusement Park, she'd have a nice, big room all to herself. She'd have an access to his mansion's giant kitchen, with all its fine equipment. He'd give her permission to play any instruments she wishes, from pianoforte to maracas at any time period. He'd entrust her with something important, should she want a job, because he knows how smart and capable she is.
Why did she have to pick Clocktower of all places?
While he broods, she already pours him a cup. He accepts it with a quiet "thank you". One sip is enough to tell him how much effort is behind it. How many time periods did she spend in this particular kitchenette, learning how to brew coffee?
The thought makes his lips flatten.
"Sorry, should have offered you something to sweeten it with. Would you like some milk or sugar?" Again, this little lapse tells him more than he likes to know.
As a rule, Park Owner rarely has coffee. Certainly not without some healthy addition of milk or cream. But this once he doesn't feel like sweetening the bitter liquid in his cup.
"No, thanks. It is good like this", - he understands enough about coffee to admit it was, indeed, the case.
The smile she is giving him is blinding and habit alone helps him to return it.
She proceeds to open the box and admire the cake, before cutting it. It is a small victory for him, who handpicked this particular rainbow cake among dozens of options his vendors could produce at such short notice. The cake is big and multilayered, each layer brightly colored and deliciously smelling.
In a way, it stands for everything Gowland could potentially offer this foreign girl. Laughter and colour; excitement, fun. Music and joy, parties and sweet treats.
What he couldn't give was silence. Tranquility. Stillness and calmness, which he didn't possess enough, never cared for. The serenity of a slow, calm night.
No, his Amusement Park was bubbling with life at all times, be it early morning or late night; each season would only provide a necessary change of scenery for his workers and guests to be defiant and celebrate life and be joyful.
How sad it was, how unbelievably unfair that this girl didn't care for such things, preferred placidity and quietness.
He couldn't change his own nature, no more than he could change his beloved colourful Amusement Park into a somber mourning parlour. Mary Gowland couldn't sacrifice this part of himself, not even for her.
Changing his suit was as far as he was able to go. He can't let go of his joyful side, might as well cut out his clock and present it to Clockmaker.
"How did your date go?", - she interrupts his sad thoughts with a question he didn't expect. So Boris was right about this too.
"It didn't happen", - he responds curtly.
"Oh", - Alice is not sure what to say. It is recklessness alone that makes him go on instead of clearing the misunderstanding: "I don't think I have what she needs"
It is shameful, this admission. A waving of a white flag, a recognition of a complete and utter defeat.
Nothing he's ever done before.
He is not sure what brought this on. His intention was to simply see her, not to spill his guts. Now something changed in the atmosphere of this small kitchenette they are standing at; a comfortable silence from before is gone and the air is charged with something he can't name. Alice slowly places her cup on the counter, her face sporting a small scowl.
"Then she doesn't deserve you, whoever she is. You are wonderful", - the words come out resolute, measured like there was nothing up to debate about them. He didn't expect her to say anything of the kind, but again she is always catching him off-guard.
"That's sweet of you", - he manages, but she doesn't stop.
"I mean it", - she is suddenly shy, playing with a rim of her apron, and seeing her flustered like this is a better treat than any cake.
He loves her, he thinks and the revelation doesn't seem strange. Like he has known for some time and only now decided to put it into words.
It is easy to fall for an Outsider, everyone knows that. But it is not the case. It is incredibly easy to fall for this girl. Simple as that.
He loves all of her smiles, all of the little ways of showing that she cares. He loves her laughter and how she pushes her hair behind her ear when unsure of what to say.
He is halfway to opening his mouth to announce it but catches himself.
He should tell her, Gowland knows, but not now. Not like this. Not when he doesn't look like himself. She deserves everything he can give and more. He'd make sure she knows it before she will make her final choices.
"Stop by soon, Alice. There's something I want to tell you"