WARNINGS: PTSD, nightmares, slight self-harm, unhealthy coping mechanisms
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Aki woke up screaming.
She bolted up, hands fumbling over the lifeless sheets, and, finding nothing, wrapping around her knees. After jerking her head a few times, each time more vigorously, not having brought what had been expected, she formed a tight ball, nails digging into her legs subconsciously.
The sensation of wetness was something, acutely tuned to doing so, she did notice. She murmured wordlessly as she felt it on her fingers, uncurling just enough to bring her palm to her face.
Her eyes widened, pupils contracting, quivering.
Blood…
Following some blinding instinct, she grabbed her hair, scruffing through the knots, raking down.
But, I'm not- I'm not injured!
She shook her head violently, not feeling the pain as her fists tightened around her ears.
Blood- not mine-
Desperate whimpers filled the empty room.
Someone else's?!
Quiet cries turned to strangled sobs as she strained to forget what felt, in that moment, to be an indisputable fact, an inescapable reality.
They're not! They're not- they're fine! Everyone's fine! But- but there's blood, and- and- if it's not mine, then- then it's-
Blood was drawn again as she bit her lip, images of slaughter filling her vision.
It is! I did! It's all-! I d-did…!
She yelled inarticulately, desperate to block out the noise, the voices, all the thoughts and sounds and images that comprised the uncaring world – the world that had given her and Zeref to madness just for wishing to have their only reason for living back, then so cruelly taken him away again.
But Natsu had come for them.
He and Lucy had not only saved them, dragged them with the help of their past from the depths of hell they had occupied, but had brought them into Fairy Tail. Not only they, but even some of the members had welcomed them, given them a chance, decided for some unknowable reason that they were acceptable.
No, not just acceptable, those members thought that they were important, people to be loved and cared for, rather than monsters to be despised, punished, scorned. Despite centuries of reasons to hate them, to throw them out and lock the doors – as the kindest sentence for all their crimes – they had forgiven…
Neither had been able to believe it. That they had been accepted into the arms of people so polar to themselves, people filled with light and love and life, the idea was ludicrous. They were creatures of the dark, death figuratively and literally flowing from them, life recoiling from their mere passing; they were the villains of children's tales, the omens of meaningless tragedy, the darkness that lay beyond the point light could no longer reach; monstruous, uncontrollable beasts, lighting down only to leave a graveyard, creatures of iniquity and cruelty, destroying for no reason but passing whims; they were meant for death, for decay and misery and torment, for all that hurt, all that scared, all that killed, as alien to the light as it was possible to be.
And Fairy Tail… it was blinding.
They could hardly see the impossibilities that lay within… no, those priceless gifts were brought out to them without their even asking. It was unbelievable; it was wonderous and lifeful and radiant, and, in the twilight hours between nightmares and waking, that shining brilliance, they couldn't believe it, cowering away, cringing at its warmth.
And when those awful mornings or nights occurred, they had comfort nearby.
They had comfort.
Someone was always there for them. She and Zeref had each other, of course, and only in a stronger sense than before. Before, they had barely counted as separate people, still then only sometimes, when they were in states of perfect equilibrium. Now, they were their own persons, separate from the other, softer to each other than they could as one.
And Natsu.
Natsu!
Natsu had accepted them, had welcomed and forgiven them; he had taken their hands, along with all their failures and faults and fears, and pulled them into that glorious light, offering them a space in his brilliant existence. After trying and failing and trying again, after jealous deities and evil magic, after abhorrent sins and countless massacres, after failing not only him, but themselves, he had brought them back into his life, with that very same big smile they had recalled best and most painfully during the centuries of solitude. There it was, shining brightly before them, there whenever they needed it, whether they asked or not. She and Zeref had each other, sure, but now… now they had Natsu again, and that was more cataclysmic than anything – the sun rising on their eternal ice age.
Their days had become light again, life's joys peeking over the horizon after four hundred years of darkness, illuminating things in a way they could hardly remember. Everything had become so much easier now, their existence less heavy and cloying, their sins, though ever-present, less suffocating…
They were afraid of how un-painful their existence was now. Constantly, they agonized over being given more happiness than they deserved. It was a sin in itself that they were allowed to be in the presence of Fairy Tail, let alone with Natsu, criminal to feel so much joy after all they'd done, the lives they'd stolen, the fear they'd inflicted. Whatever their guildmates and brother said, they knew they were. They knew with a painfully unequivocal certainty that they didn't deserve this chance, this hearthstone, this life – life they had stolen from countless others.
And yet, here they had it, practically laid before them by a guild they had, insanely, been planning to destroy – by a brother that they had twisted the life of to kill themselves, using him, their strongest demon, END, by people they would have massacred in a heartbeat.
Yes, the world was warmer than they could recall, more loving than they could remember feeling, more caring then could be believed, and, presently, empty.
Empty, because Zeref and Mavis had gone off for something, and she had – unable to even consider spending time with Mavis, a blockade in her head bursting into being every time she looked to the answer – insisted on staying behind. Natsu had gone with Lucy on a quest. She had assured them that she would be fine on her own for a week or two, that of course she could handle herself, that she would have no trouble at all.
It hadn't been a lie – at least, not a week ago.
No, not a week ago, when she hadn't had any night terrors or nightmares since being freed of the curse; when she hadn't had any trouble breathing – unless she was unfairly being tickled by a power-hungry beast by the name of one 'Cana-sama' – since before being cursed; when she had had essentially no problems – unless they were externally triggered, Cana-sama!
The very night of their departure, though, she had had a nightmare. She hadn't slept all night, instead holding herself and murmuring the things that Zeref had always told her at these times, finding them to be just as effective as they had been when Zeref had comforted her cursed self. In other words, helpless, words of comfort from herself usually circling round, biting her tail as soon as she thought she had caught the cause. It was impossible to find comfort from one's own words in the same way another's gave.
That morning, though, she had brushed it off. So she had had a bad dream, she was fine.
But then she had another. Another long, sweaty, panic-stricken night of mumbling meaningless words to herself in the dark.
The following morning, she had went to the guild hall per usual, tired though she may have been. That second day had seen her jumping violently whenever anyone approached her, resolutely dodging all physical contact, flashes of death and decay overlaying the kind, living smiles of the Fairy Tail guildmates.
Mira, along with a few others who had incomprehensibly taken a liking to her, had said that Aki looked a little tired, that, if they could, they would like to help. Aki had thanked her sincerely – and she had really meant it – but refused; Mira didn't know about her nightmares, and Aki didn't want her, or anyone else, to be enlightened; they already knew more than she wanted them to. Only Natsu and Zeref knew – Natsu not really knowing, aware only that she freaked out sometimes –
– pathetic –
and she wanted to keep it that way.
So there had been two consecutive nights, so what?
The third night, she had another.
The fourth, she didn't sleep, staring at the wall in silence, shaking herself every time her shadowed eyelids drooped.
The fifth, she had been too exhausted to stay awake; so she had had a few nightmares, it would be fine now. Be fine, now; fine…
She had woken up, screaming for faceless people to run, then spent the night huddling in a corner.
When she had hobbled into the guild that morning, all that came to talk to her had insisted that she at least go home and rest, that she looked awful, that she had to let them help. After much back and forth, she had agreed to go home, though only to placate their determination to assist her.
Back at Natsu's house, she had denied her body's urges to sleep, instead reading – rather, staring blankly at a book – the rest of the day. She had, for the first time since the curse had broken, forgotten to eat anything that day.
The sixth day's nightmare broke with the pattern of people she had killed and wrongs she had done, reminding her with burning clarity how she had hindered her twin, thereby causing his death. It was its own curse, tying her down to the bed, not mentally able, nor inclined, to move. She had been glad that no one came to check on her. She figured that they had assumed she was still resting and had thought to let her be. She had also figured – known, rather – that the next day would ineludibly drop somebody on the doorstep; it was just the sort of people Fairy Tail was comprised of.
Determined to prevent their discovery of her nightmares, she had hung a sign on the door, saying that she was just tired, that she'd caught some virus that made her exhausted, and that she would be sleeping the whole day. She had assured them, through the note, that she really just had a cold or the flu.
The following night, the seventh and present night, had not diverged from the previous six.
No, it had been another night of sweaty fear and trying not to inadvertently scratch her skin off – which, she kept being reminded by her guildmates, brothers, and her own body, was an actual problem now, a thing that had consequences that wouldn't instantly heal… and that that was not a good thing that heralded the end of a painful existence, but that she… now… wanted?... to live?
Light broke through her thoughts; the sun had climbed above the window ledge, its light slowly painting itself on the opposite wall.
She turned over to see that she hadn't just not thought to close not the curtains, but the window as well. She lifted her arm, subconsciously moving to use her magic, but as soon as she registered the action, went stock still; she couldn't bring herself to use her magic, not today, not now, not after seeing all she had done with it just that night-
She shook her head violently, whining, images threatening to burst free of a damn cobbled together with hastily piled sticks.
The problem, the puzzle, an ancient part of her whispered, dusting itself off to become useful once more. Solve the puzzle. The puzzle. It's a problem. Solve it.
She couldn't get up; she was frozen in fear in the aftermath of the dreams, practically glued to her bed – it had taken an inordinate amount of effort and self-cajoling just to roll over.
No. It berated her. No feelings. Only puzzle. Solve it.
She couldn't. She couldn't. All that had appeared in her dream was banging against her mental barricades, pounding on walls she had neglected for the first time since their creation.
Excuses. It's a puzzle. Solve it. Solve it!
The system – puzzle. The puzzle- puzzle system… She considered, face wavering between blank and petrified. The system… Questions!
What did she need?
To close the window.
Why did she-
Doesn't matter! Her mind deadened the thought, barking madly. No emotions! The puzzle! The puzzle!
She shook her head again.
She needed something. She needed to close the window. But why-
"No emotion…" she murmured subconsciously. "Doesn't matter… doesn't…"
How could she accomplish that goal? She considered it, eyes glazing and unglazing as she twitched sporadically.
Get up and manually close it; find something long to stick through the string and pull it down; use magic-
Don't think there! It shrieked. Bad place! Don't think there! Bad place!
She shivered, hauntingly reminiscent sensations racing through her, so nostalgic and terrifying, so needed and useless.
She needed… needed…
Need…ed…
Get up and manually close it. To get up and manually close it. To get up and…
… run away?
The last thought was quiet, but it easily drowned out all her other racing thoughts – all, except one.
Not good! Not good!
Why-
Not good! It howled. The puzzle! Solve it!
Couldn't she roll off the bed? Move deeper into the house? Then she wouldn't have to stand, at least. Were there reasons that wouldn't work?
She pondered on the idea, blind to her surroundings, to the messy room and twisted sheets and broken items born of days' fits.
The puzzle-
But what about the new idea? She liked it; it felt to be the easiest. The new-
New bad! It snarled. Stay how it was! No change! New is lie! New is not true! New is Something Else!
Her sharp ears picked up the distant thuds of footsteps, cracks of sticks along the earthy path to the Dragneel house.
She panicked – mentally, of course; her body, if anything, stiffened further.
What would she do? What should she do? Which was right? Close window, leave room, hide under bed; close window, leave room, hide under bed; close window, leave room, hide under-
The knock of the door shot through her like a clap of thunder, a monumental crashing that deafened all.
Too late! Too late! Goal! Goal, goal, gOaL, GOAL!
A tiny breath, an inaudible whisper in the chaos. "…don't let them know…"
She got out of her bed, movements jerky and robotic.
Goal, goal, goal!
Why was-
It didn't matter.
Goal!
Why did-
It didn't matter.
Only goal! Nothing else!
Why-
It didn't matter.
It was her goal, a ubiquitous, unquestionable constant.
"Aki-chan?"
Goal, goal, goal, goal!
Footsteps trod around the house, and she flicked her wrist. "Don't let them…"
The previously twisted sheets billowed up, resettling neatly on the bed.
Yes! Goal! Only goal!
She swept a hand in an arc across the room. "Goal..."
Broken objects mended and floated to their places; blankets and pillows, abandoned on the floor, spread themselves over the straightened sheets. "Only goal…"
She put both arms down in front of her, hands over each other. "Don't let them…"
The detritus of six days' meltdowns rolled into the next room. "Only…"
She flicked a single finger towards the door through which the mess was still plainly visible.
Goal!
The door swung shut silently.
Goal!
She teleported into bed as footsteps crunched by the window. Facing the door, she curled slightly, feigning sleep.
"Aki-chan?"
They sounded so worried, worried about her, and she-
No feelings! Only goal!
She twitched, then mumbled incoherently.
"Aki-chan, we saw your note, but are you sure you're okay?" Lucy's voice asked anxiously.
Lucy was upset-
Goal!
When there was no response, Erza's voice barked, "Aki!"
She groaned and rolled over, eyes opening blearily. She squinted against the light, grunting, "Wha'?"
"Are you sure you're okay?" Lucy repeated.
'Only goal…'
"'m fine," she said, rolling back over. "Didn' you see the no'e?"
It was Mira, this time, who spoke, "Yeah, but you don't like bothering people, so we had to check."
"She doesn't like bothering people?" came Cana's exorbitantly disbelieving voice.
How many people had come? They all came just for her-
No feelings! Only goal!
"What, you think she doesn't?" Levy's voice asked incredulously.
"No, I think she doesn't like existing in any inconvenient way," Cana replied slyly, and a few laughed.
She-
Don't — think!
"Are you sure you're okay?" Mira repeated.
Nothing.
"Aki-chan?"
"Wha' now?" Aki grumbled, burying her face in a pillow. "'m tryin' t' rest."
"Okay… We'll check up on you tomorrow, 'kay?"
Bad! It screeched, sending bolts of pain or fear through her. Bad! Very bad!
"Noooo, I'm gonna sleep-eep-paah," she yawned. "I wanna be lef' alone."
"I'm still-"
"I'm gonna use magic if you come…" she threatened, it still roaring in her mind. "Listen," came a sleepy mumble after a moment of silence, "when Natsu 'n' Zeref get back, send 'em t' me. Till then, I just wanna sleep…"
"If you're sure…" Mira sounded uneasy and doubtful.
They-
Goal!
As the group's chatter faded, she felt herself relax ever so slightly.
Goal…!
Their retreating footsteps died away. She was alone again.
Goal?
The clamor in her mind died down, the dozens of ideas and thoughts she had conceived quieting now that it was over; no more goal, no more choice to make, no more problem to solve. That obdurate part of her – that part she had honed to be the loudest, to tower above the curse's contradictions – receded into the shadows, leaving her to deal with the consequences.
She didn't appear to do anything besides stiffen, eyes widening and pupils shrinking.
She didn't move the rest of the morning.