Galby's Pitiful
Lira: Here's a new bit of randomness from us.
Lyra: I wrote it…
Lira: And I beta'd
Lyra: Just so everyone knows, this a slightly revised version of "You're Pitiful" by Weird Al Yankovic, which is an extremely revised version of "You're Beautiful" by James Blunt.
Lira: That means it a parody of a parody.
Lira/Lyra: On with disclaimer and ficcie.
Disclaimer: Lira and Lyra don't own Eragon, "You're Pitiful", or "You're Beautiful". Thank God for that tonight in your prayers.
Galbatorix was just sitting in his throne room, contemplating how to destroy Eragon. Murtagh had already failed, but he could make him do it. I mean, God forbid he should have to do it himself. Little did he know what strange thing was about to happen.
At that moment, a portal popped out of nowhere. A brunette girl climbed out. She was carrying some sheet music, a miniature portable piano, and some head phones. A red-head followed. She was carrying a camera and its stand. The third girl to climb out was really tall with blond hair. She was carrying…wait for it…nothing. Two boys followed her. One had dark hair and was wearing a dark blue hoodie, and the other had dirty-blond hair. They were loaded down with recording equipment.
"All right!" the blond girl snapped. "Shaunisse, Regina, put that over there, and that over there, and that over there."
The boys obeyed. Why are they called Shaunisse and Regina? Those are the girl versions of their names. We gave them girl's names to protect their identities and humiliate them.
Galby stared at them. He didn't say anything.
"Lyra, set up the piano," the blond continued, pointing at the brunette.
"Okay, Mark," Lyra said. "Have you finally stopped calling me loser?"
"I got bored," the girl admitted.
Why the blond girl is called Mark? She's obsessed with Rent and Anthony Rapp. So we call her Mark to protect her identity.
"Okay," Lyra said cheerfully setting up the piano.
Galby's reaction was still…wait for it…nothing.
"Lira, set up that camera," Mark yelled again.
"I'm on it, Mark, and I'm so glad you've stopped calling me non-loser," Lira said.
"Shaunisse, hand me my director's thingie," Mark yelled.
"Why are you calling it a director's thingie?" Shaunisse asked.
"Your mom," Regina put in randomly.
"Shut up, Regina," Shaunisse said dismissively.
"Because Lyra doesn't know what it's called, and she's supposed to be the know-it-all. I don't know what it's called either, so just give me it," Mark explained.
Shaunisse gave her the director's thingie.
"Alright, we're ready to start the video. Lyra, start playing! Regina, get in the center and start singing! Lira, start the camera! Shaunisse, post the lyrics, turn on the sound system, and do the lighting!" Mark yelled.
Unfortunately, the filming of the group's music video was interrupted by Murtagh's entrance into the throne room. Lyra stopped playing her warm-up scales and ran as fast as she could over to Murtagh. She glomped him furiously.
"Ohmigod! Murtagh, I know you're not evil! I know lame, old Galby made you work for him! Will you marry me?" Lyra yelled.
Murtagh just stared at her.
"Lyra, get back to the piano and start playing again!" Mark and Shaunisse yelled.
"Yeah, I have to sing this thing, so you have to play the music," Regina shouted.
"What if I don't want to play the music?" Lyra asked.
"Your. Mom," Regina responded.
"I can't argue with that," Lyra said dejectedly.
Galby finally regained his voice.
"Who are you and what are you doing here?" Galby screamed.
"SHUT UP! I'm trying to direct a music video here!" Mark yelled.
"And the recording just picked that up. I have to replace the tape!" Shaunisse complained.
Galby shut up, and Murtagh just stared at them.
"Okay, action," Mark yelled once Shaunisse had replaced the tape.
Lyra started playing the music to "You're Beautiful".
Regina was standing with his back to them. He turned around and sang:
"My life is brilliant."
Lyra continued playing.
Regina continued:
"What, was I too early -
Oh, sorry, should I -
Do you want to start over, or -
Keep going - okay… now, now?"
Mark nodded.
Regina continued:
"My life is brilliant.
Your life's a joke.
You're just pathetic.
Why aren't you broke?
Your homemade dragon-rider uniform
Really ain't impressin' me.
You're sufferin' from delusions of sanity."
While doing this, Regina pulled off his hoodie to reveal a red t-shirt with a little dragon on the right-hand corner.
"You're pitiful.
You're pitiful.
You're pitiful, it's true."
While singing this, Regina pulled off his red shirt. His new shirt had a woman beating the snot out of guy who looked suspiciously like Galby.
"Never had a date
That you didn't try to rape,
And you smell repulsive, too.
What a bummer bein' you."
After he finshed singing, Regina looked up at the ceiling. Lira aimed the camera at the ceiling too. She brought it back down to Regina's face. Regina chucked the bag of chips he'd been eating and stared singing again. He was wearing a new shirt with super-heroes on the front. He began to sing again:
"Well you just can't dance,
And forget romance."
Regina removed his shirt to reveal a shirt bearing the saying "Farty Pants" as he sang:
"Everybody you know still calls ya
Farty pants,
But you'll always have a job
Well, I mean…
As long as you know someone who can work that torture machine."
He pulled off his shirt to reveal a button-down shirt the color of dried blood.
Galby turned bright red. No body was sure if that was because he didn't know many people or because he was remembering how he had farted when he bent down touch his dragon egg. It was really amazing that dragon has still chosen him.
Regina began to sing again:
"You're pitiful.
You're pitiful.
You're pitiful, it's true."
Regina removed his shirt so that he was shirtless, sat down, and emptied his pockets of a toy bus, a pink marker, a book, a video game controller, and a bag of chips. He began to eat the chips while singing:
"You're half undressed
Eating chips off your chest
While you're playin' Kill Elves 2.
No one's classier than you."
Lira accidentally focused the camera on the ceiling. (Well, it was probably because she couldn't bear to look at Regina's bare chest any longer without loosing her lunch. Regina pulled it back to his face. He had put on a different shirt. This one had two guys standing back-to-back over a guy who had been beaten to a pulp and looked suspiciously like Galby. He began to sing:
"La-la-la-la
La-la-la-la
La-la-la-la loser" while making an L on his forehead with his fingers.
"You're pitiful.
You're pitiful.
You're pitiful, it's true.
Your dragon would much rather
Play fetch by itself."
Regina removed this shirt to reveal a shirt that said "My Home Thinks I'm Awesome" as he sang:
"You never leave home, and you're 142."
He removed this shirt to reveal one that said, "This space for rent" while he sang:
"Guess you'll never grow a clue.
Well, it just sucks to be you."
Then, a car came out of the portal and hit Regina. He was okay though.
Galby finally came to his senses and tried to kill the whole group. Instead, the car ran over Galby. Murtagh was so happy he was free that he started tap-dancing, but he wouldn't marry Lyra. Mark posted her video on the world-wide web, and everyone in Alagaesia rejoiced because there crazy king had died during the making. It was a good day.
Lira: That was a good day in Alagaesia.
Lyra: It was, but I still don't know why Murtagh wouldn't marry me.
Mark: You really don't know?
Shaunisse: Why did you want to marry Murtagh?
Lyra: Why didn't he want to marry me?
Regina: Your mom.
Lyra: What did my mom do?
Mark: I give up. goes through portal to the world of Rent
Lira: It's an expression, Lyra.
Lyra: I knew that. It was a joke.
Regina: You just killed it.
Lyra: It deserved to die.
Shaunisse/Lira: Here we go again.
Lira: Anyway, Here are links to the real lyrics to "You're Pitiful" and the real